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“That was unnecessarily aggressive, Lambert” the hunter scolded, shaking her head as she inspected the broken window.
“I’m taking no more chances on these blue spaghetti-faced motherfuckers” he huffed in response
“You’re scaring our bard!”
“I’m not scared of him” Dandelion piped up “I’m scared of blue space lasers”
Lambert nodded in agreement “See?”
“Fine, fair enough” the hunter sighed “it seems we can explore this area further now anyway”
“You’re welcome!” Lambert shouted sarcastically
“You can go in first. I hope one of those slugs attaches itself to your face, lays eggs in your mouth and has the spawn burst from your chest in such a spectacle, Ridley Scott would be jealous”
They made their way through the broken window and around the hall to the room at the end.
“AH FUCKING SHIT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING SON OF FUCKS!” screamed Lambert
Swoosh
Space lasers.
Serves him right.
“Idiot” the hunter laughed.
“Fuck off” Lambert replied immediately, while trying to wipe “space goop” on his pants.
“An elevator, how convenient” Dandelion noted
“No shit, bard” the hunter replied sarcastically “did a brainsucker get you well we weren’t looking?”
“You’re feisty, huntress” Lambert said. If looks could kill, the hunter would have finished this game long before she had these two dimwit sidekicks.
They descended the elevator and came to a small corridor, which led into a large open room at the end.
“What is that?” Lambert asked, visibly recoiling in disgust as he saw into the large room.
“Some sort of Eldritch horror. The Great One left behind. Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos” the hunter explained.
“How do you know?” Dandelion inquired
“VaatiVidya”
“What?” Lambert furrowed his brow “you say some weird shit”
“Nothing, dear witcher” she laughed “let’s make a plan on how to proceed. We can also summon the old hunter Damien with the bell. Moreover, we need to think about what to do with Dandelion---where is Dandelion?”
“I...don’t know” Lambert said, almost concerned. Almost.
“He probably scouted ahead without us. Stupid bard” the hunter sighed. Sure enough, the fog gate had shrouded the door.
“I’ll take a look” she said
She walked toward the room and entered; less than ten seconds after she came out, visibly shaken up. Walking past Lambert, she pulled out a molotov and tossed it onto the elevator’s activation button, causing the elevator to ascend without her on it. Before he could say anything, she stared him in the eye and coldly said “fucking bards” and then she tossed herself into the shaft, killing her and leaving him her blood echoes.
“Okay, I can do this still” he muttered to himself and pulled out the old hunter bell to summon Damien.
A spectre of Damien appeared “let us fight now!” he yelled, and charged toward the fog. “No, wait!” Lambert cried, but Damien had already proceeded. As expected, a few seconds later, he exited the fog. He was wide-eyed and speechless. Damien sulked past Lambert, pausing for a moment in front of the elevator shaft to make intense eye contact and shake his head disapprovingly, before tossing himself into oblivion.
“Okay, now I NEED to know” Lambert groaned to himself and walked to the fog. Proceeding, he saw that, in a classic bard move, Dandelion had rolled a 20 in seduction.
Lambert left and prayed for the cleansing rains of Alzheimer’s after witnessing Dandelion’s knack for bardic culture. Alas, only his body would be reborn by the blood.
And thus he yeeted himself in the welcoming darkness of the elevator shaft.