Chapter Text
CATRA’S POV:
Catra still loves sitting on the windowsills in Bright Moon like she used to back in the Fright Zone. There is something familiar about the feeling. One knee up to her chest to rest her head, and the other leg hanging freely. She would never admit it, but the knee that she rests her head on keeps her grounded. It keeps her from flying away with her thoughts. The thoughts that attack her if she does not keep them under control.
Often, when her mind gets racing, she can feel her heart pound, her chest tighten, and tears stinging her eyes. When this happens, she knows she needs to find somewhere to be alone. It does not matter if it’s up by the moonstone, on the balcony in Adora’s room, or on one of the hundreds of windowsills in the halls of this massive castle, she just needs to be alone. In this case, she chose the window; it was the most convenient place to run to at the time.
Run. That is exactly what she just did. She ran from Adora and the thought filled her with grief.
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Catra woke up this morning sleeping next to her. Catra woke up and she was sleeping next to Adora. The realization happens every morning. She is living her dream and it always makes her heart do a flip. She was laying directly in front of her; they were facing each other. Adora’s hand was resting on Catra’s waist. Catra was in complete bliss. She wanted to lay there forever.
She sighed contently and studied the girl in front of her. Adora’s pale skin was beautiful. The way her hair framed her face even though she was sleeping. The light blush across her nose. Catra wanted to memorize it all. However, the longer she looked the sicker she felt. It was nothing about Adora, of course not, it was the scars she bore. Catra could see three faint lines beneath Adora’s eye; they were left there by Catra when they were children. There were two softer lines near the same spot; Catra also gave those to Adora when she was trying to fix the gate in Salineas. Catra noticed scars across her jawline; left by Catra in the Battle of Bright Moon. She did not even have to see Adora’s thigh to know the permanent marks Catra made when she was chipped by Prime.
Right then, Adora rolled away from Catra. She could tell she was going to scoot back into her chest so Catra could spoon her, but then Catra saw her bare back. Before Adora could scoot back, she placed her hand there and traced the marks. So many scars there, too. They are from the Battle of Bright Moon and when Catra was chipped. All of these she did. All these scars…
She felt nauseous. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes. Her heart was pounding. Guilt was eating at her stomach. How could she do all that to Adora? Why was such a terrible person? She didn’t know why, but she had an overwhelming urge to run. Right now. Leave the room. Her fight or flight response was kicking in and it was completely leaning towards flight.
Catra stopped tracing the scars on Adora’s back and simply flattened her hand there. As gently as possible, as to not disturb Adora, she pushed her way out of the bed. Once she was standing next to the bed overlooking Adora, she started crying. This wonderful, kind, giving, and selfless person loved her. The impossibility of the thought would have made her laugh if it had not already made her cry. Catra turned on her heel and walked briskly out of their room so she could be alone.
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So, that is where she is now. Alone. Sitting on the farthest possible windowsill she could find. As she sits there, she pulls apart what bothers her. She has a habit of that; habit of getting lost in the most painful parts of her mind. She thinks of all the times she hurt Adora. All the times Adora offered her a way out, asked her to join the rebellion, and how many times she declined. She thinks of the anger and loss she felt and the horrible things it made her do. It did not stop there, though. She knows everyone in Bright Moon had reasons to despise her. How can Bow forgive her for trying so hard to hurt everyone he loves? How can Glimmer even look at her after she created the portal that killed Queen Angella? How can Entrapta be okay with her after she sent her to Beast Island? How can Scorpia accept her after the way she treated her? Worst of all, how can Adora even care for her after everything horrible she has said to her? After-
Catra hears footsteps approaching. She sat here so long the moon had gone and now the sun was up. The castle was awake. She listens intently to determine who is coming. Before she even speaks Catra can tells it’s Glimmer.
“Catra!” Glimmer exclaims. “There you are! We were looking all over for you. We called a meeting to discuss a couple things going on in the villages.”
Catra inhales deeply. Everyone at this meeting would be someone she has hurt. Bow, Glimmer, Frosta, Perfuma, Scorpia, Mermista, and… Adora. All she wants to do was apologize to Adora. To ask for forgiveness, tell her she knows that she is a terrible person, and cry into her shoulder. But the thought of seeing Adora after what Catra saw last night sent chills down her spine. However, her thoughts were interrupted by Glimmer again.
“Catra? You okay?”
“Pfft, I’m always okay. Just wanted to watch the sunrise or whatever,” Catra responded as she bumped past Glimmer towards the meeting room.
She hoped that was convincing. Catra did not want Glimmer talking to Adora about her problems. She did not need to talk about them right now. She just needed to not think about them. The horrible weight of guilt would go away… right?
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As Catra approaches the meeting room she can hear voices. She pauses right before the door frame. She takes another deep breath and tries to control her thoughts.
“It’s okay. Nothing is wrong. It is just another meeting. They don’t all secretly hate you,” Catra mutters quietly to herself.
“What was that?” Perfuma shouts while leaning out of the doorway.
Catra jumps. “Nothing! Nothing. Just making sure I remember all the names of these dumb villages.”
Despite her negative comment, Perfuma smiles warmly and reaches her hand out to Catra. Catra takes it and is immediately pulled into the chaos they call a meeting. She scans the room and realizes Adora is not here. She is honestly surprised. It is not like Adora to be late. Weird… Glimmer is not here either. Nope, that actually makes sense, Catra did just storm past her in the halls. After realizing those two are gone, the chaos seems typical. It’s always a little crazy like this before Adora and Glimmer arrive.
Catra makes her way to her seat. On the way, she smiles and waves and acts like everything is perfect. Acts like she wasn’t up all night getting consumed by her self-reproach. Once she finds her seat, she waits and sets her hands together on the table. All these princesses treat her nicely, but they never have anything to talk about. Catra just prefers to avoid the awkward small talk, so she waits for Adora. Conveniently enough, their seats are right next to each other. Even though she feels guilty about hurting Adora, she cannot help but be excited to see her. She knows for a fact that she loves that girl. She just cannot think of anything she can say to make things better. To make up for the hurt she has caused.
Stop.
Catra stop.
She can feel herself thinking again. Thinking too much. Thinking about al the wrong things. Tears nearly threaten to fall. She clenches her fists and her nails dig into her palms. Why is she such a bad person?
The chair next to her moves with a squeak. Catra snaps out of it and looks up to see Adora smiling down at her. Catra immediately smiles back.
“Hey, Adora.”
“Heyyy, Catra.”
Adora has a habit of making Catra feel better with just her smile, but that does not stop the thoughts resting in the back of Catra’s mind. After Adora sits down, she places her hand over Catra’s. Catra’s hands relax right away. She didn’t even realize that they were tightly balled into fists. Her only reminder is the subtly sting where her nails pressed into her skin. Of course Adora could tell she was tense. Of course Adora saw her clenched fists and reached out to calm her. She is just so perfect like that.
Catra turns her hand around and laces their fingers together. This gets a smile from Adora, which makes Catra blush. Adora slides their intertwined hands slowly off the table and rests them on her knee. She rubs patterns on the back of Catra’s hand with her thumb. This always makes Catra feel better and Adora knows that.
“Where were you this morning?” Adora asks while looking down at Catra’s hand in hers.
“Oh, um… ya know, just wanted to watch the sunset,” Catra says as convincingly as she can.
“I could always do that with you, Catra,” Adora responds with a soft smile playing on her lips.
Catra’s heart feels warm as she looks at Adora, “I know, I know. I just wanted to bother you so early.”
“It would never be a bother,” Adora replies. She looks up to Catra with a soft expression and right then Catra knows that Adora can tell she’s not okay.
“Hey everybody!” Glimmer is standing next to the Queen’s chair, “Thanks for coming in on such short notice!”
Glimmer waves a hand to Micah who’s standing next to the King’s chair, “We just wanted to check in and see how everyone’s doing. Along with a couple other things.
With that, the meeting starts. Glimmer selects various princesses around the table to give a report on their kingdoms. Catra is glad to hear that Scorpia is making great progress with the Fright Zone. She is working on remodeling, rebuilding, and renovating it. She is also helping former soldiers move to other villages if they want to move out of the Fright Zone. Mermista reports that Salineas is nearly completely repaired. Catra lowers her head at this. She was the one who mastered-minded the plan that destroyed Mermista’s home. Adora squeezes Catra’s hand and gives her a reassuring look. Catra smiles and gives Adora a small nod before breathing deeply and pushing the guilt to the back of her head. The rest of the meeting progresses similarly. None of the princesses report huge problems. With the Horde officially gone, the princesses are free to reign peacefully. Perfuma is the last princess to give a report. She finishes and Glimmer nods approvingly. Glimmer then averts her attention to the rest of the members at the table.
“As I’m sure most of you know, there was a small riot in Elberon,” Glimmer calmly addresses. “No one was hurt, but the former Horde soldiers are having trouble fitting in with the current residents. The people have lots of reasons to distrust these soldiers, but, of course, we know that this can change,” Glimmer gives a smirk and playful nod to Catra and Adora, both former Horde soldiers.
Adora snickers at the joking comment, but Catra smiles tensely. It’s nothing that anyone else would notice, but Adora spots it immediately.
Glimmer continues, “With that being said, I think it would be great to send Catra and Adora to help quell the frustrations in Elberon. They’ve both experienced it, and they both know how to handle it. Everyone agree?”
All the princesses nod in agreement and the meeting ends. Everyone stands from their chairs and start chatting like they were before the meeting.
“Did you know about that?” Catra takes her hand out of Adora’s to help herself stand up.
“The riot? Yeah! Everyone’s been talking about it,” Adora stands as well.
“Hmph, not to me,” Catra rolls her eyes. She should know better. Of course, the princesses wouldn’t talk to her. What does she expect?
“It just happened last night! I swear I would’ve told you, but you were already asleep, and you weren’t there this morning,” Adora says assuringly.
Catra smiles and nods, but in the corner of her eye she sees Bow and Glimmer waving at Adora. A small voice in her head tells her that they might want to see her too, but she hushes it so quickly the idea vanishes like it never even existed. Catra tilts her head towards Glimmer and Bow so Adora turns around to see them. When Adora turns back around, Catra is already backing away.
Adora reaches out to grab her, “Where do you think you’re going?”
Catra lets herself be pulled into Adora’s hug and embraces her in return, “Oh, nowhere. I was just gonna let you talk to Bow and Glimmer. Why do you ask? Do you care, dummy?”
Adora let out a small laugh at Catra’s not-so-endearing name for her, “Oh whatever. I’m sure they want to talk to you, too.”
“No, no, it’s okay. I’ve got to go, um… ya know…” Catra’s mind went blank. “I’ve got a thing.”
Adora can see Catra’s discomfort and knows she shouldn’t ask her about it in such a public setting, so she lets her go.
“It’s okay, Catra, go do your thing. I’ll see you soon for the mission to Elberon, right?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Catra responds, relieved that Adora is not making a big deal out of her leaving.
However, Catra pauses before walking away. She looks into Adora’s eyes and knows what she wants to do so badly. Adora doesn’t move and smiles lovingly back at Catra. Faster than either of them could say goodbye, Catra pulls Adora into a kiss. Their lips meet and Catra feels more relaxed than she has all night and all day. Adora grabs Catra’s waist very briefly before they both pull away. They hold hands and look at each other momentarily before Catra turns and rushes out of the meeting room.
As guilty as she feels about everything, as much as her mind is consuming her, as terrible of a person she is, and as undeserving she is of Adora, Catra loves her more than anything. She makes everything okay. When she’s with her, everything is perfect, but only for a moment. It’s perfect until she remembers everything she’s done.
Catra clenches her eyes shut. All she has to do is wait for their mission to Elberon. Once they are alone Catra can say everything she needs to. She wants to tell Adora everything she’s thinking. She wants to tell Adora how sorry she is and that she knows she’s bad. She wants to kiss her scars until they disappear and take all Adora’s pain away. She just wants Adora to hold her while she cries away her worries. However, all of this would have to wait until their mission. After all, her girlfriend is a very busy and very powerful woman.