Work Text:
Emotions help run the world. With every step you take, no matter which way you go no matter how much ‘business is business’ emotions will always find their place behind it. There’s passion, hope, reason, empathy, the feeling of home, the safety, the care, the god damn feelings. Some are harder to understand, for example, love. Love is one of the hardest emotions to understand, sometimes even the most emotional people struggle to understand love, but Bakugou.
Bakugou doesn’t understand any emotion. Sometimes that’s his power, the apathy he can give the illusion of, the fear he can establish, anything he can do that make him seem all the more business and less of what makes a human a human. However it’s a weakness and even he can admit that, because when a panic rises in his chest and he can’t breathe but he has no idea why his work ethic is a little bit off and his mind wanders a bit farther trying to pinpoint why right now he doesn’t feel okay.
It hurts. All of it hurts . The blonde watches as everyone talks about how happy something makes them feel, he listens to them say how joyful they are but he only hears it because he doesn’t know what happiness feels like. Now he’s not stupid, he knows he’s felt happiness but it’s all a distant memory, his body screams and it’s like wildfire is set in his chest when he asks himself the question ‘ do I feel happy?’ Because it’s right there, he can feel it, he knows what the answer is, he knows what happiness is, his body really does but his brain doesn’t and his mouth won’t give any answers so he’s just angry. It’s truly a weakness because it doesn’t stop there because he doesn’t know if he’s sad either, because to be sad you have to cry right? But when was the last time he cried? And if he can remember right he thought he was just mad, but he’s always mad.
Bakugou finds himself in a circle. He stares down at his popping hands and watches the people he trust to look at him with weary glances because he has no clue what’s wrong and he has no words for the feelings he is feeling. He’ll hang onto anger as much as he can because that’s the only one that makes sense, he’s angry, his vision is shaking and it’s red, and he’s just angry. He’s always fucking angry.
And when happiness, sadness, fear, or anything else doesn’t make sense love sure as hell doesn’t. Sometimes he convinces himself he can’t feel love, because he can’t “feel” happiness. But anyone can feel love, anyone can say ‘I love you’ but not everyone can say it. Anyone can say anything they want but sometimes its more of a cage.
Right now, he really didn’t need whatever fucking was happening now. Kaminari was crying, yeah that was pretty fucking obvious, something about Jirou breaking up with him. And yes, Bakugou did feel bad, but he just, he didn’t fucking know. “Don’t you care?” The girl’s sudden voice startled him out of his mind,
“Huh?”
“You obviously fucking don’t, I guess.” Mina sneered, looking back to the electric blonde boy who was, thankfully calming down.
“What the fuck? Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t! You’re so heartless!” Bakugou’s mouth opened, ready to fight back but Sero was jumping in now too,
“Seriously dude, we know you don’t have the best past but fuck.”
“I- I do care!”
“It doesn’t seem like it.”
The cage was closing, shutting, locking. He was trapped because he did care, he cared so much because the idiot was his friend, he was there, and
fuck!
“I fucking care!”
Kaminari rolled his eyes, “I doubt that.”
“I fucking care, you dick!”
“Then show it!”
“I can’t!” The shout was nearly drowned out by the explosions popping from his hands, the group was staring back at him, ready to hell back but
fuck fuck FUCK,
he had to yell first or maybe they’d never understand. “I fucking
can’t
okay?! I can’t do it! I can’t sit here and show you I care, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, okay?! But I don’t even have the words to sit here and tell you that I don’t know!”
“Blasty how do you not know?” Kirishima was joining in now, confusion and irritation boiling on his skin, shown in rippling hardening, “Its a basic feeling`”
“I mean, I don’t fucking know! Fuck you and your god damn basic emotions! It’s easy for you! Not me! You’re gonna fucking stand there and ask me this shit like I’m not here telling you that I! Don’t! Fucking! Know!? ” Bakugou heaved, pulling at the collar of his shirt. The elevator dinged behind him, he was making a scene, and everyone was there to watch. But this wasn’t just an angry outburst, there were tears streaming down his face and, “I have no fucking clue what I feel! Are you listening to me?! God please, just fucking listen to me! Because you and your basic fucking feeling of caring, I don’t fucking get it! I can’t even tell you what fucking Happiness feels like so how am I supposed to tell you what it feels like to care?! What it feels like to have these stupid fucking emotions?! I’m not fucking heartless! I can feel it! But I have no words!" “It’s all a god damn distant feeling! And it hurts ! I feel it and I know I care, but fuck I don’t know!” The final shout cracked and rippled in the filled common area. Bakugou felt drained, he was floating in his own mind now but everything hurt, and yet he couldn’t feel a thing. His voice was trembling now, barley above a whisper, “It hurts. I hate myself. I want to be different, I promise, I don’t want to be like this, I’m so sorry…”
No one moved when Bakugou did. No one looked away as he glanced to see who all was there, but he really didn’t need to take a headcount to know the whole class was there. He sneered to himself, who wouldn’t miss the class’s resident heartless asshole having a mental breakdown instead of comforting his friend. Alone. Crazy. Asshole. Heartless. Emotionless. Robot. Liar. Dramatic.
Bakugou pushed through everyone to get to the stairs, not turning around even when he heard them call his name. They wouldn’t understand, there’s anything to understand because honestly, Bakugou is pretty sure he’s just
Broken.