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The shame was the worst part. He felt nauseous with embarrassment, and disgust at himself. Of course this had happened. He had just for once wanted to be able to keep this one secret for himself. He hadn’t been able to keep one of his greatest shames from the team - any chance of that had been broken the moment the team arrived in Chicago after his unfortunate arrest - but for the other one to come out as well, to be honest, it was almost all too much.
Derek had figured he would be able to keep his secret forever, at least for longer than he had. He kept it as quiet as he could, he played up the womanizer role that everyone very easily believed. He flirted with women at bars, took them home, never once giving men a second glance. He thought that would be enough to allow him to keep himself hidden deep in the closet, but it wasn’t.
He felt bad for running out of the room, for the quick reassurances he left the team with - it hadn’t even been their fault. He felt guilty for upsetting them, for being the reason they were all taking turns knocking on the door of the bathroom where he sat, elbows on his thighs, head in his hands, trying to quell the panic attack he could feel rising inside of him.
‘Breathe in, breathe out,’ a mantra being repeated in his head as he tried to stop himself from hyperventilating, from making it clear just how bad everything was. But the team already knew. If it hadn’t affected him so much, he would have brushed it off and made a joke about it. He might have shook his head, made a snarky comment, returned to his paperwork. He may have even just have said his farewells for the evening, and driven home.
Instead, he was in the bathroom, on the ground, at the brink of a full panic attack. He felt weak, something he had done his best to avoid, to never feel. Because weakness reminded him of his two now non-secrets. He was weak for letting Buford touch him, for being so affected by it. And he was weak for being too scared, for hating his sexuality too much to be out.
He had always admired people who had the strength to be proud of their sexualities, to flaunt them unashamedly. That had always been one of the things that had drawn him to Spencer, that had made him adore the boy so much. Because he was out at work, never making a big deal out of it, but being honest about it.
It made Derek’s fear irrational in a way. They accepted Spencer, so why wouldn’t they accept him? But in his eyes, being out as the nerdy genius was very different to being out as the tough muscular man who was there for his physical abilities. People didn’t like those who were so far outside of the stereotypes, and that was exactly who, what Derek was.
His thoughts wouldn’t stop racing, his heart wouldn’t stop pounding, and he was barely keeping the tears from falling. He couldn’t leave like this. He would have to wait them out, a battle of the wills, biding his time until they finally gave up, returning to their desks, or leaving the office completely. Derek hoped that it would be soon, that they would quickly stop knocking, back away, give up trying to drag him out. He gave up trying to make out their words over the sound of blood rushing through his head.
As the voices got softer, the steady thrum of his heart beating loudly quietened with it. The anxiety, the panic, the fear began to fall, just enough to make room for another emotion - embarrassment. Not only was being outed humiliating, but the whole team, and possibly others, had seen him break down. They saw Derek as his face turned red, as he realised what had happened, as his breathing became crazy and tears threatened to fall, as he raced out of the bullpen to the bathroom.
And Derek would have to face the team tomorrow. Even if he managed to outwait them for the remainder of the afternoon and into the evening, he would still have to go to work the next day. Maybe he could take a sick day - the whole situation was making him feel sick to his stomach.
Leaning back against one of the walls of the cramped stall, he glanced down at his watch. Time was passing so slowly, with stress, worry and boredom plaguing his mind. At least it had been later in the afternoon, just after 4:00pm. If he could wait just a couple of hours, he would be fine. As his mind began to clear up, he realised that if he could just wait out Spencer and Pen he would be fine.
Being his two closest friends, they would be the ones freaking out over him, trying to ensure he was okay - especially given his Baby Girl’s natural disposition and Spencer being the only other out member of the team (although everyone had a feeling about Prentiss, it had never been discussed). The more he became rational, the more he realised that he was better off speaking to some of the team tonight, Hotch being one of the people he definitely should.
As the team leader, and the “mother” of the group, Hotch would no doubt be concerned for Morgan, on both professional and personal levels. He would certainly want to ensure that the team was still able to work cohesively after the day’s events, but he would also be concerned about Derek’s wellbeing, without fussing or being overly intrusive. He would be the easiest to talk to, and the one he would need should he decide he did in fact need to take a sick day or two.
Then Rossi or Emily were the other two he could deal with that evening. They too were much less interested in getting all up in his business, likely preferring just to check if he was okay. This coupled with them often being the last in the office, behind Hotch, would make them the next easiest. That was, if all went to plan.
He knew that given Rossi was on the older side, him being a buff, black FBI agent and also gay may not sit quite right. If Rossi were to feel at all uncomfortable toward him, Derek didn’t think he could stand it. The man was like a father figure to him, as well as much of the rest of the team. He wouldn’t be able to stay in the BAU with disease between them, and being aware that it would divide the team.
But for now, Derek would have to hope that the team would just leave him alone, sitting on the dirty floor of an FBI bathroom stall, until they left for the evening.