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Everything is spiraling. Everything is building up and it’s suffocating Shouto. A long day at work moving boxes around and hearing his boss complain about how he wants a raise so he can get a new sports car and how his paid vacation gets used up to fast. Shouto doesn’t make even half of what he does but he knows if he brings up wanting a raise or paid vacation he’ll just be fired. It’s always like this. Be patient everyone tells him. It’s not so bad they say. At least you have a job. Well that isn’t good enough. He wants a house and a yard and a pet and Izuku to not worry about finances to the point that he locks himself away so he doesn’t spend any money.
As he walks home after his shift all he can think about is how everything has gone wrong. He runs a hand through his hair, feeling the strands sticking together due to sweat. His body aches and he just isn’t good enough. He fails every time he tries to stand. He couldn’t complete college. His job barely pays. He’s worthless and the air he breaths is wasted on him.
As he stumbles into his apartment he drags his feet to the couch and his mind reels even more. A couch they found on the side of the road. Free which makes it great and Izuku had been so happy about their luck and how nice it was once they cleaned it but Shouto hates it. Every time he comes home all he sees is that he can’t even buy furniture for Izuku, precious Izuku who deserves more than a couch from the side of the street.
“Good Evening Sho! How was work?” Izuku leans around the corner where his desk his and waves at the man with a happy smile. So cheery. So happy and Shouto can’t figure out why he is so happy.
“Fine,” Shouto’s voice feels foreign to him as he nods his head and sits on the worthless couch to play a game Izuku worked so hard to save up for so that he could have something to do when he got home.
Silence falls between them and Shouto lets his one blue and one gray eye drift over to look at his partner staring intently at a screen, green curls bouncing every time he shifts and nods along with himself. Muttering about plot lines and character development. Izuku told him once he’d make a good fictional character. That memory is burned into his skull.
The wind is gentle and helps with the summer heat as Shouto stuff his hands in his pockets. He glances over at the small boy he asked to walk with them. It was whim really, just a strange impulse for him to walk up to the boy who was staring at him and writing furiously in his notebook.
“So a fictional character huh?” The boy, Izuku, jumps slightly when Shouto speaks to him.
Izuku rubs the back of his neck as his cheeks dust pink. “I like to write and when I see people I make characters based on appearance and body language.” He mumbles out, “It’s easier then actually talking to someone.” He gives a shy smile and Shouto can feel his own face heat up at that look. So innocent and pure.
Shouto makes himself stare straight ahead as they make their way to a small park nearby. “What kind of character am I?” He questions with amusement in his voice.
Izuku squeaks in embarrassment which just causes Shouto to smile and laugh quietly to himself. “Ah, well…you see.” Izuku starts to stutter out different words before his green eyes look up to observe the amusement on Shouto’s face. “A hero.” His voice is small and he watches the ground they walk on. “Someone who can change hearts and fights with all they have to help people. I think you’d make a great hero.” The small smile on his lips has Shouto’s heart beating faster and the honesty in his words makes the world feel a little bit warmer.
They continued on in silence and Shouto will never admit that, that was the day he not only fell for Izuku Midoriya, a boy he only just learned of, and it was the day Izuku saved him from the darkness that had over spilled his mind. Izuku was his light now, his only reason to keep moving. His hero.
Shouto doesn’t deserve to be a main character in Izuku’s story. He doesn’t deserve to be a hero but more than that he can’t handle the pressure of living up to that character. He knows that Izuku doesn’t expect him too. Shouto feels like he has too though. He has to be more then he already is. The screen turns dark on TV and the words game over haunt him. He can’t even play a stupid game right.
Everything feels dark as self-hatred takes over his mind. He toss the control on their small coffee table, given to them by one of Izuku’s friends, and pushes his body up off the stupid free couch and to the door and pulls on his light jacket. Something Izuku got him from a thrift store. “I’m going for a walk.” He calls out only because he doesn’t want to worry Izuku but even that feels like too much effort.
“Be safe!” Izuku’s voice rings out behind him as he lets the door fall shut, it thuds louder then he intends it too and he can already see the poor green hair boy flinching at the noise.
A sigh escapes his lips as he locks the door and walks down the side road. Izuku deserves so much more then Shouto can offer. He doesn’t even understand why that saint of man stays with him. Shouto is moody and hard to deal with. His emotions spiral out of control so easily. He knows he needs to be better but it so hard to turn off his thoughts that berate him constantly. As he passes a store window he looks at his reflection. Tired eyes and slumped shoulders. He remember so clearly when he revealed how damaged he was to Izuku and the boy just held him.
Shouto paces around his room, cloths laying on the ground and the garbage needs to be taken out but he just doesn’t have the strength to do it. Izuku sits patiently on his bed as Shouto tries to figure out his own thought. Not even two minutes ago Shouto had yelled at him and made him cry, guilt still sticks to his heart for it. His dad is just so insufferable sometimes though and he couldn’t control his emotions.
“Sho,” Izuku’s voice is so soft and sweet as his hand wraps into his. “It’s okay. Let’s just take this a step at a time. What do you want to do, what do you need to do? Let’s take it one step at a time.” His smile is like the forest, calming and free.
Shouto sighs and runs a hand through his already disheveled hair. “Dad’s withdrawing his money so I can’t continue going here. Which means I need a job and somewhere to live. I need to clean my dorm room. I need to figure out how to get insurance and a driver’s license and save up for anything that may happen.” He starts going off and he can feel his breath getting shorter and shorter as the oxygen leaves his body. He can feel his shoulders sagging as more and more weight is put on top of it. The world keeps getting darker and there are so many ways to fail.
A hand on his arm makes the world stop spinning and everything clams down as the scent of pine enters his nose. Arms ground him to the earth in a tight hold so he won’t float away in his own thoughts. “It’s okay, just breath. Nice and easy breaths.” Izuku’s voice is so soft and melodic that the world seems to stand still to listen to him. As he pulls away he keeps the soft smile on his face. “Why don’t you go for a walk, clear your head. Then we can figure out a game plan together.” At this Shouto schools his face and nods before walking away without much more. He feels like Izuku is the only one who can get him to breathe when his body refuses too.
When he gets back to his dorm room everything is spotless. The bed is made, the floor clean, a new bag in his trash can, and a note on the bed saying that Izuku went to do his laundry he’ll be back soon. Later that night Izuku set him up with a bunch of job applications and told him he could hide out in his room until he can save up the money for an apartment. Izuku is also the one who found him an apartment. Who supported him and pushed him to be better. That’s also the day that Izuku started managing his money for him.
As Shouto walks into another store he thinks about how much Izuku has done for him. Even in unhealthy amounts which makes Shouto worry his green angle might have a codependency issues and his own depression doesn’t help with that. Shouto glance through the drinks in the back hoping to find that one strange drink Izuku likes so much with the alo vera in it. As he sees another dead end he walks to a different store to repeat the process. Shouto can’t help but to worry that he’s dragging Izuku down.
He remembers the day he came home so upset he didn’t know what to do and he made an offhand comment about them having too many shoes and he doesn’t have enough stuff for it feel like home. He was just angry and wanted a shower and something to complain about.
Steam fogs the mirror as Shouto finishes his shower and gets dressed. He didn’t mean to take an hour long shower, he just needed to unwind. As he dries off and puts on a pair of sweat pants as he steps out the door and down the stairs. He stop about half way to look at the green hair boy who bounces from spot to spot as he cleans. Most of his shoes are gone from the rack leaving only Shouto’s and one red pair of Midoriya’s. Some of his action figures are gone and in their place is Shouto’s books spaced out and his gaming system set up in way that it’s the first thing he’d see coming home from work for now on. At Izuku’s sock covered feet is a box with his things in it.
“Do you want help cleaning?” Shouto calls out to him.
Izuku turns around and quickly covers the box to prevent him from seeing inside. “N-no, no. I’m fine. You just relax for a bit!” He grins which causes his freckles to jump around his cheeks. Izuku turns on the TV and sets up Shouto’s most recent game. He walks away to the kitchen and then quickly sets a drink down on the table by the control.
“Are you sure you don’t want help?” Shouto questions as he sits down despite having just asked that.
Izuku waves his hands around, “I’m just reorganizing so everything looks less cluttered.” He picks up the box and places it in a closet and goes about his business.
Shouto knows Izuku is moving his stuff out of sight to make him feel better. One stupid offhand comment and this loveable man just throws himself away. Always putting Shouto first. But if that’s what makes him happy…
Shouto finally find the drink he’s looking for and purchases it at the counter, it only took five different stores but at least he found it. He knows Izuku hides how he feels. So concerned with Shouto’s mood and happiness that he throws away his own. Shouto doesn’t deserve that. That undying devotion and yet he can’t even give back a little affection? He has to do better. Has to be better, or his only light in this world will leave.
Shouto drags his feet to his apartment and carefully opens the door. He takes off his shoes and the plastic bag on his arm rustles as he moves. He’s slow as he approaches Izuku at his desk, trying to think of the right words to say. “They had some of that alo vera drink stuff at the store. I know you like it so I got it.” He mumbles out and kisses the top of Izuku’s head. Is that the right kind of affection? Shouto questions himself internally. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You make everything so much better.” He whispers and stands, turning his back to Izuku as embarrassment takes hold, who knew this would be so hard. “I’ll make dinner.” Shouto states and starts looking through the cabinets for items that will at least semi go together. They really need to get groceries.
Shouto has to try harder to make it up to Izuku for all of his mistakes and let him know that Shouto appreciates all of his effort. “Izuku,” he calls out as he turns on the oven to boil some water.
“Yeah?” That sweet voice rings out behind him but fear stops Shouto from turning around, he only peeks over his shoulder.
“I love you.” His voice sounds steady but doubt fills his mind as a blush spread on his face. The smile growing on Izuku’s face means that Shouto said the right thing. His heart is pounding in his chest.
“I love you too!” Izuku seems so excited that all Shouto can think to do is nod and get back to cooking.
Shouto knows that things aren’t the best and that Izuku tries too hard to take care of him. He has to do better. Because Izuku is worth being better for. They can get over this because Shouto will try his hardest too.
“I can change, I promise.” He mumbles at his reflection in the water as it slowly starts to bubble.
“What was that?” Izuku calls out to him as he types away on his computer.
“How’s the book coming along?” Shouto calls out louder and smiles as he listens to Izuku go on and on about his plans for the characters and how to reach an ending.