Chapter Text
By the time Harley made it back to the compound, he was soaking wet from the torrential rain that poured his entire walk back. The rain mixed with his tears of frustration and made him feel like he was drowning again.
Tony was silent as he trudged to him, his wet jeans feeling like sandpaper against his bare skin. He knew Tony wanted answers and was steaming with anger, but he couldn’t handle it. Not now.
When his breathing evened, and the sobs turned to silent streams of tears, Tony finally spoke up.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t,” Harley replied, dull and numb, a hint of annoyance in his tone.
“You can’t afford to not think! You can’t just… you can’t do this shit.”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t know. You don’t. You don’t know what it’s like to find out that my kid that has been missing for seven weeks suddenly went MIA. Thank fuck that I have protocols and monitors on your suit because then I find out that you were shot ? I mean, what would happen if you… I can’t… you can’t do this.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Do you really?”
“I can’t do... this ,” Harley said, waving his hand at Tony.
“Do what? Face the consequences of your actions? Own up to your mistakes? Realize that tonight could’ve gone a lot differently? I mean, shit, you could have died. Do you understand that? There’s no coming back from that.”
“Well I feel like there’s no coming back at all!” Harley snapped. “Because I feel like everyone wants me to be the person I used to be and for everything to go back the way it used to be, but I can’t. I can’t just move on. I can’t just get better. I can’t just come back after everything that happened.”
“No one expects you to…”
“Yes,” Harley interrupted. “Abby does. Peter does. Even you do.”
“We want you to progress. To heal. We don’t want you to just let all of this go,” Tony said, trying to maintain a calm voice.
“Well it doesn’t feel that way!”
“Hey!” Tony barked sharply. “I don’t appreciate your tone. I have been doing everything I could possibly do to help you re-acclimate and make you feel comfortable and safe, but I will not stand here and watch you self-destruct.” He stepped closer to the teen. “I watched over the footage from your suit, and I think that you need to take a step back from your self-centered, victimizing BS, and realize that you’re not the only one who is hurting.”
“I…”
“Nope. Zip it. I’m talking. We have been patient. We have been very patient, but you’ve given us nothing back. You don’t accept the treatment that we are providing you and you aren’t putting forth nearly as much effort as everyone else is putting into you. You said you feel like we are treating you with glass? Well, maybe consider that it’s not just because we feel like patronizing you, and maybe there’s a reason that we are being so cautious. And yes, that’s what it is. It is being cautious. We are being cautious because you have a very fragile mindset and we don’t want to hurt you. And I don’t care if you don’t believe that. That we actually care about you. But we do, and even though you’re making it very hard for us to continue doing so, we will, and we will continue to do so.
“Peter has been going through absolute hell for you and had been while you were gone. I know he’s been holding it together while he’s around you, but he is dragging himself through the mud to make sure you’re okay. He’s been a single father to a kid that’s not even his for months and just when he gets his partner back, he just ends up taking care of him too. Have you considered the stress you’ve been putting him under?”
“I… have.”
“Really? Because after hearing your little spat with him, I’d think that you have no idea how he feels.”
“It’s not like he talks to me about it!” Harley exclaimed.
“Well how can he when you react like this?!”
Harley retracted back.
“You have to hold yourself accountable for your behavior because if you don’t want to be treated like glass, I’m not going to tiptoe around you anymore. So, here’s your wake up call. You’re going to go to therapy, and you’re not going to skip sessions, and you’re going to suck it up and deal with it. You’re going to follow a strict schedule with your online schooling because you’re not going back to Midtown. You’re going to tell me whenever anything is wrong. Mild discomfort, major trigger, anything and everything. And you’re also going to keep a journal tracking everything from your diet, your mood, and every moment you feel any sort of trigger. Is that understood?”
Harley nodded. “Understood.”
“Now go get changed. You’re tracking water through my halls.”
.-~*~-.
Peter knocked on the door of Ned’s bedroom window. “Code black, Ned. Please open up.”
Code black meant it was very serious. It was a “drop everything you’re doing and do nothing but sit there and listen if the other person talks” kind of deal. Code black meant no questions asked and only give advice when prompted.
Ned ran to the window and slid it open. He took no mention of Peter’s suit, drenched in rain water. He didn’t comment on Peter’s bloodshot eyes and sniveling nose. He just held out his arms with a raised eyebrow.
Peter pressed the spider emblem on his suit, and pulled Ned into a weak hug, a choked sob ripping through his throat. He kept shaking his head against Ned’s shoulder just muttering incomprehensible mumbles.
After the shaking of his shoulders steadied and his hiccuping became more of a calm breath, Ned pulled away. He nodded his head to his dresser to which Peter gave a silent nod.
He watched tentatively as Peter pulled the much too large t-shirt and pajama pants over his trembling limbs. As soon as he finished, he collapsed into Ned’s arms once more.
Ned rubbed gentle circles in Peter’s back as the smaller teen began to gasp for air again. He shushed him softly, breaking the code black to whisper words of comfort to the brown haired boy.
Clenching his jaw as he forced himself to take a deep breath, he gave a shaky smile to his best friend, eyes puffy and nose still running. “Hi.”
Ned gave a worried smile back. “Hi.”
“You can ask,” Peter said softly.
“What happened?”
“Well, I… I know looks are deceiving, but I’m actually furious right now. Full on “I’m gonna rip off the arms of an Iron Man suit and crumble the titanium alloy in my bare hands and throw it into the Hudson like a glorified skipping stone” furious. The kind of furious that really, really requires some pillows to scream in and my mad playlist to belt to until my throat is raw.”
“That bad, huh?” Ned asked.
“That bad.”
“Here’s what we’re gonna do. My mom is throwing away her old, gross mattress out, and I happen to know that she’s also replacing her kitchen knives soon, so how about we go to the garage, and you can stab that mattress to your heart’s content while we listen to P!nk and Taylor Swift.”
Peter nodded. “I’d like that a lot.”
“Let’s go.”
Peter ripped the mattress to shreds. He screamed and he cried some more and yelled a lot of out of context Harley centric exclamations until there was nothing left to tear with the serrated kitchen knife. Out of breath, he fell to the ground, dropping the knife with a harsh clatter. He covered his face with his hands and busted out into hysterical laughter.
“Peter?” Ned asked cautiously.
“Fuck me! Right? Of course I just, I’m Peter Parker, so I just fuck everything up. That’s so me. That’s so me. ”
“Peter. You’ve gotta breathe.”
“How can I? How can I breathe knowing that I just… and he just… fuck! I mean, he just… that’s so like him. That’s so like us. Of course he’d… and I’d… and me and my big fat fucking mouth having to… and he just… and I just… fuck!”
“Breathe.”
Peter’s laughter morphed into more tears and cut off gasps. “Fuck. Fuck. I can’t… he just… and I just…”
“ Breathe. ”
Peter sucked in heaps of air, head filled with pressure, making him blindingly dizzy. His chest vibrated and tingled, a heavy held against it. “I can’t see him again. Not after everything he… and that I…”
“You don’t have to see him.”
“What am I going to tell Abby?” Peter bit the inside of his mouth.
“You don’t have to worry about that right now. Let’s go back inside. Get some rest. We can think about this in the morning, alright?”
Peter nodded, numb. “Alright.”
“Let’s go.”
.-~*~-.
Harley stormed to the training room, fists tight, nails digging into his palms. He didn’t bother turning the lights on, instead running to the punching bags, slamming his fist into the hard plastic. He let out a guttural scream, ripping through his throat with a harsh sting. He swung at the punching back over and over and over again, tears falling freely down his cheeks as he didn’t hold back his loud sobs. His arms ached, his knuckles split and bloody as he kept punching the bag, and his blood boiled, the veins in his neck feeling as though they were going to burst from how tense he was. He couldn’t stop though. He couldn’t stop. The pain was blinding, almost relieving, and he needed it.
“Hey. Hey! Hey! ”
He felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, pulling him away from the bag as he still swung his arms to fight back.
“Let me go! I have to… let me… I can’t… I…”
The pair of arms pulled him to the floor, pinning him against their body.
“I’m here. I’m here, bud. I’m here.”
“Tony…” Harley weakly croaked, “he’s gone.”
“I know. I know.”
Harley choked out another sob. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.”
“I want to get better,” Harley said, voice raw.
“You’re gonna get better. Okay? We’re gonna help you get better.”
Harley stood up quickly, the blood rushing to his head as he dizzily wobbled. “I have to get back to the apartment. Abby’s…”
“We have to get you cleaned up first,” Tony insisted.
Harley looked down at his cracked knuckles, blood trickling down his dry skin. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.”
.-~*~-.
“I need to call her.”
Ned looked to Peter with concern laced in his furrowed brow. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I can’t let her think I just left her. I can’t do that to her.”
“And what are you gonna tell her that’s gonna reassure her that you’re not leaving when that’s exactly what you’re doing?”
Peter pursed his quivering lips. “Please.”
Ned hesitantly handed him his phone. “Here.”
Peter video called her StarkPad. When she answered, his heart dropped at the sight of her discombobulated, frantic worry in her eyes. “Peter. Where are you? And Harley?”
“Harley’s not there with you?” Peter asked, blood boiling again.
“No. Mrs. Mooney dropped me off after rehearsal and I’ve been home alone and Harley wasn’t home and I thought something might have…”
“I’m coming right now. Okay? I’ll be right there.” Peter pulled on his mask. “Karen, connect to Abby’s StarkPod.”
Ned held out his hand. “Peter, you shouldn’t…”
“I’ll be there soon, Abby. Just keeping talkin’ with me.” Peter slipped on his suit, and hurried to Ned to pull him into a hug. “Thanks, Ned,” he whispered and then promptly jumped out of his window, swinging off into the night.
.-~*~-.
Harley winced as Tony disinfected his knuckles, biting into a towel as he held back a scream.
“It’ll be over soon. It’s okay.”
Harley merely nodded, unable to do anything else.
Tony carefully wrapped his hands in soft bandages while Harley stared blankly at his knuckles, cursing himself for being so impulsive.
“Why did you come here?” Tony asked.
Harley looked up. “What?”
“Why did you come to the Compound instead of your apartment?”
Harley paused, looking back to his hands. “I guess I didn’t want to be surrounded by him while I was still…” He gulped. “Because everything there is him and memories of him and reminders of him and I couldn’t handle… because then I’d just be reminded that he’s… and that we’re…”
“It’s alright.”
“No! It’s not! It’s not alright, and I… I can’t believe I… and he… and that we… how could I… how could I be so damn selfish? How could I really… I didn’t even see that he… God. I…”
“There’s nothing you can do about that anymore. You can’t change the past.”
“Because the only thing I can control is what I’m gonna do next.” Harley bobbed his head. “Peter always said that.” He bit his lip hard.
“Are you sure you’re ready to go back?”
“I have to. For Abby.”
Tony frowned, but nodded. “Okay. I’ll drive you. We can turn around at any time, okay? Just say the word.”
“I’m not gonna.”
“Okay. Okay. Let’s go.”
.-~*~-.
Peter hopped onto the fire escape, opening the window hastily before shimmying off his suit and throwing on his softest pajamas and rushing to Abby’s room. He plastered on his shell of strength and gave her a comforting smile.
She ran to him and gave him a crushing hug, clinging onto his oversized waffle-knit sleepshirt. “I was so scared.”
“I’m sorry, sugarbug. I’m alright. We’re alright. I promise.”
“Where were you?”
“I had some Spider-Man business to attend to. Harley was… he was out there too.”
“Why?!” she exclaimed. “Why was he out there with you?! He shouldn’t be out there!”
“I know. I know. That’s why… he wanted to help, but I told him he wasn’t allowed to help. And then we had a bit of a disagreement, so we needed some time to calm down,” Peter struggled to explain.
“You guys had a fight?”
Peter spluttered out filler words as his brain tried to catch up with his mouth. “We are just disagreeing right now.”
“Why?” Abby looked up at him with innocent, wide eyes.
“Harley needs more time to get better, and I need some time to get better too. Sometimes, when two people are hurting and try to help someone else, the only thing they’re doing is taking pieces from themselves to build the other person up. But, when they do that, they’re not really building anything because the pieces… they just… they just stay in one place and no one gets better. So, sometimes, to get better, people have to build themselves up first before they can give pieces to someone else.”
“So you and Harley have to put yourselves together first.”
Peter nodded. “Yes. That’s… yes.”
“But… you can’t do that together?”
Peter’s smile faltered. “No. We can’t.”
“Why not?”
“B-because we… it’s gonna keep us from getting better if we’re together.”
“Why?”
“Because sometimes when people are struggling, they need a break from other people who are struggling so they can focus on loving themselves.”
“So you can’t love Harley because you need to love you?”
“I… I love Harley. I love him a lot. But I can’t give my love to him right now because then I wouldn’t have any for myself.”
“What about me? You can’t love me anymore?”
His eyes went wide. “No. No no no, of course not. I will always love you. The love I have for you is a different kind of love. It’s… a special love. It’s a love that I can have without taking any of my own love. But I just… I don’t think I’m gonna be in a place to give away my love. So, I may… I may need to keep some of my love for a while.”
“Do you… do you need some of my love?”
Peter smiled sadly. “I always appreciate your love, Abby. But the only love that will help me be me again is my own love, and I don’t know how to find that just yet.” He crouched down to her level. “But know that I love you so so so much. I love you so much that the part of my heart that holds all of my love for you is gonna burst because it’s overflowing for my love with you. But I just need…”
“Time. Like Harley.”
Tears pricked his eyes. “Yeah. I need time.”
“Is it gonna be like Harley? Lots of time?”
He sighed. “I don’t know, sweetpea.”
“You have to go, don’t you?” she asked, dejected.
Peter nodded, eyes wet. “Yeah. I do.”
There’s a frazzled shake of the doorknob.
Peter’s head shot up. “Stay here.”
“Wait, Peter, it’s…”
“Abby! I’m back! Where are you?”
Peter went rigid. When Harley’s eyes met his, he froze. “Peter. I… you said you were going to Ned’s.”
“That was before I found out you left your little sister home alone.”
“Peter…”
“I told you. I can’t do this. I told you. I can’t… not tonight. I came back for Abby, but I can’t stay,” Peter headed to their room, stuffing a duffel bag with clothes, electronics, and toiletries.
“Peter…”
“I’m gonna stay with Mr. Stark for a while. I can’t… I need time, okay? I need time. So, just…” he turned around, crouching down to Abby’s level. “You tell me if you need anything , alright? If something is wrong I’ll… I… I love you so so much. I just need time to find my love for me again.”
“Please don’t go,” Abby said, lip pouted out.
Peter pulled her into one last hug. “I’m so sorry, sugarbug.” As he headed out the door, he turned around hesitantly. Clap, double snap, clap. (I love you)
Clap, double snap, clap, right circle snap. (I love you too)
“Goodbye.”
The door closed with a click, and Harley felt his knees give in. He steadied himself, turning to Abby who looked at him with big, teary eyes. She looked at Harley with anger burning in her eyes. “I want Peter back. I don’t want you back.”
Before Harley could respond, though he was unable to as his jaw dropped in shock, Abby ran to her room and slammed the door shut.
Harley fell to the couch, covering his face with his hands. Fuck. There’s no coming back from this.