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It was no secret that the tension between Dimitri and Felix was fraught with belligerent sexual energy. At least, for Felix, it was. As for Dimitri, the poor sap would longingly stare after the angry swordsman, looking every bit like an abandoned puppy still waiting for his owner to return.
Honestly, it was no surprise that those two would reach their peak and take it behind closed doors. Felix had been wounded up so tight, he had been bound to snap; meanwhile, it had been as though Dimitri had been anticipating for that inevitable break, waiting to catch Felix's fall and bear the brunt of that crash. Again, what a puppy.
Claude had seen it coming long before anyone else did. What he hadn't expected, however, was that they would be doing it nearly every night. And those nights would be happening in Felix's room, which was right next to Claude's room.
It wasn't like the walls were thin, but more like those two were freaking loud. At first, it had been amusing, but the amusement had quickly derailed into despair. He could no longer hear Felix refer Dimitri as a boar without thinking about his plaintive whines about Dimitri not taking him as a beast would. Nothing was pure and holy anymore.
Claude didn't want to ruin the couple's happiness by stopping their nightly romps - he shuddered - but he could hear them even with earplugs on. Additionally, he didn't appreciate his side of the wall shaking from...Dimitri's pounding. (Gross, gross, gross.) He had heard about and had witnessed the prince's monstrous strength, and Claude was afraid that one day Dimitri would inadvertently end up creating an aperture. Claude knew about his reputation for being nosy, but there were things that he didn't care to find out, like whatever went on in his neighbor's room.
As a result, an intervention was needed.
During lunch, Claude slipped into the seat next to Dimitri. Dimitri and Sylvain looked at him curiously while Felix eyed him with suspicion. Claude beamed at the boys with a guileless smile.
"Claude, is there something that you needed?" Dimitri inquired, smiling back.
"Aww, can't a guy sit next to his fellow house leader?" Claude pouted. "And here I thought you were a nice guy, your highness."
"Oh, no, no! Pardon me, Claude. I didn't mean to be impolite." Dimitri's expression became contrite, almost making Claude feel as though he had kicked a puppy. Almost. He was more vindicative than guilty for the several sleepless nights that these two had subjected him to. "Of course you're welcome to sit with us. I was simply wondering because it's not often that you do."
Claude's smile widened. "Really? I'm relieved!"
"But there is something that you want, isn't there?" Felix, ever sharp and straight to the point, accused him with narrowed eyes.
"Felix, don't be rude," Dimitri admonished. "Not everything that Claude does has a scheme in mind."
"Actually, there is something that I wanted to talk to you about."
Dimitri blinked. "Oh."
As Felix shot Dimitri an I-told-you look, Sylvain propped his chin on his palm, leaning towards Claude with interest glinting in his gaze. "Well, well, I didn't expect the notorious schemer of the Golden Deer to be so upfront. That's quite unlike you."
Well, well, if Claude hadn't been so sleep-deprived all because of his horny schoolmates, then he wouldn't be so desperate as to be upfront. But, alas, he wanted a night where he didn't have to put up with the noise.
"Dimitri, Felix, I'm glad that you settled your differences - " Claude began.
Felix abruptly pushed himself from the table.
"But you guys are way too loud during the night," he quickly said. Felix stiffened, Dimitri gasped and turned bright red, and Sylvain appeared as though he was frozen in time. Unrepentant, Claude carried on. "I hadn't had a good night's sleep since - I don't know - weeks. So could you do it in Dimitri's room from now on?"
"No!" Sylvain shouted, the loud volume of his voice startling everyone within proximity. "Goddess, no!"
"S-Sylvain?" Dimitri stammered, eyes wide with shock.
"I finally got my sleeping schedule back on track! I do not need them ruining it again!"
Felix sounded as though he was choking on air.
"Sylvain!" Dimitri repeated, but in a squeakier, mortified voice.
It took Claude's dead-tired brain two seconds to piece things together. "So it was you who told them to do it in Felix's room!" he exclaimed, slamming his hands on the table.
"You think you have it rough, but you have no idea what it was like when they first got their hands on one another!" Sylvain snapped.
"Sylvain!" Dimitri and Felix cried out in alarm.
"Well, I can't handle it anymore!" Claude burst out. "I feel like I'm withering each day from lack of sleep! I'm so exhausted that my bags have bags!" To emphasize his point, Claude dragged down the skin beneath his eyes with his fingers. "And all because these two can't keep their hands off of each other!"
Felix already stormed away from the dining hall, a tempest force of humiliation and indignation. A voice that vaguely sounded like Teach's echoed in his head, telling him that it would be a matter of self-preservation if he gave Felix a wide berth from now on. Claude glanced to his left, finding Dimitri's head lowered as he covered his face with his hands, and then looked around, finding everyone staring at them.
Hm. Maybe he should have taken a nap before confronting the couple.
A hand landed on Claude's shoulder, taking him by surprise. When he looked up, he saw a resigned grimace on Caspar's face. No, not resigned - it was understanding.
"Bro, I feel you," Caspar said with utmost seriousness.
Claude stared at him with blank incomprehension. "What?"
"His room is sandwiched between Ferdinand and Hubert's rooms," Sylvain deadpanned.
Oh.
Oh.
"Bro," Claude said, tearing up. He stood up from his seat.
Caspar nodded. "Bro."
They clasped hands in spirit of commiseration and unity. And pity. A whole lot of pity.
"Wait," Claude said, blinking out of his stupor. "How did you know about this?" He turned to Sylvain, quirking a brow.
"He and I would sleep in the infirmary until Manuela banned us," Sylvain said. "That was when I convinced his highness and Felix to do it in Felix's room."
Dimitri's forehead thumped against the table.