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Everything looked like it was before.
The wooden floor glistened where the blood had been scrubbed off, the curtains replaced where they were once stained in red, the broken furniture changed out for the new, the symbol of the Wen destroyed mercilessly by Zidian.
Everything seemed to be back to the way it was.
But Wei Wuxian cannot forget how that same floor had once held the dead bodies of Jiang-shushu and Yu-furen, hands clasped tight in one another as blood pooled below them. The roof opposite the main hall where he and Jiang Cheng had watched the devastating scene reveals itself, the courtyard washed in red where the bodies of his shidis were tossed irreverently onto the ground.
Lianhuawu was his home, but now it had also become the reminder of his guilt.
---
The new disciples practicing in the courtyard had not a single familiar face from the past.
They had been recruited during the Sunshot Campaign, made up of sons and daughters who had their families killed by the Wens and seek revenge against them, or just orphans on the streets who were willing to risk their lives fighting the Wens for if they survived the war it would mean a better life than the one they lived now.
Desperate for cultivators to stand against the Wens, he and Jiang Cheng had accepted everyone who came. And after the war, this time desperate for disciples to restart their sect, they had not been selective either.
None of them knew Jiang Cheng or him personally before the war, all they knew were the rumors they have heard on the streets.
And so Wei Wuxian should not have been surprised that they treated him with equal amounts of awe and fear, the respectful distance between him and disciple visible.
Gone were the days where his shidis would not hesitate to joke with him, or allow him to pull them by the arm away from training to splash about in the lake instead as they tried their luck charming the girls watching them along the shores. And when it was summer, they would lay together and doze off under the sweltering heat while Shijie brings them slices of watermelon. Yu-furen would be bound to catch them slacking off, and they would run away once again to the lake, laughing with their heads thrown back from the exhilaration even though they knew they would not escape the punishment that awaited them later.
There was none of that now.
Wei Wuxian had heard of the gossip among this new batch of disciples. Why does Wei-qianbei not carry his sword? I heard his swordsmanship was even better than Jiang-zongzhu. Haven't you heard? He switched to practicing demonic cultivation, that's how they won against those Wen dogs.
No doubt had Jiang Cheng heard of them as well, and his frown only got deeper each time he saw Wei Wuxian aiding him in training them with his sword absent once more.
He could feel Jiang Cheng's glare on him at the moment, piercing and hot as he corrected the posture of one of the new disciples. The disciple was clearly afraid of him, shaking heavily even when Wei Wuxian fixed him with one of his most welcoming smiles.
"Thank you Wei-qianbei," he bowed to him reverently once he got his posture right.
If one of his shidis had been here, they would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the sight. Dashixiong had never been one to be feared, the only thing that his shidi had had to fear about him was his antics that might get them all in trouble together with him when Yu-furen caught them.
They would laugh whenever they walked past the ancestral hall only to see Wei Wuxian kneeling there once again, a sight too common in Lianhuawu. Dashixiong, what did you do this time to make shimu punish you again, they would say, their eyes sparkling with anticipation as they awaited for the exciting story sure to be told. Jiang Cheng would roll his eyes and Shijie would just shake her head at him fondly even as both of them remained to listen as well. And Wei Wuxian would laugh along with them even though his knees ached from kneeling for so long, and laud to them about the very exciting thing he had done that, in his opinion, was totally worth invoking Yu-furen's ire while he basked in the admiration of his shidis.
And this was the courtyard where they had trained, and where they had died, killed by the Wens, piles upon piles of bodies thrown carelessly to be burned without a proper burial, their ashes mingled together before they drifted off into the wind. Not granted a peaceful death, nor a peaceful afterlife either. Even now, they had not a single urn of ash of any of their shidis, and Wei Wuxian was beyond grateful that at least Wen Ning had gotten them Jiang-shushu's and Yu-furen's.
Sometimes, he wondered if he could have done more then, asked Wen Ning to get the ashes of each shidi before they left, or at least just a few of them would have been better than nothing. Logically, he knew it was impossible under those circumstances, and yet the thought that he could have done more had kept him up for more nights than he could count.
All of a sudden, the metallic tang of blood was sharp in his nose, the mocking laughter of Wen Chao and his men rang in his ears. He saw the bodies littered across the courtyard, their blood staining Lianhuawu red, the lake beneath it turning from a clear green to rich crimson.
Wei Wuxian felt something in him snap.
He turned around before anyone could notice his expression. He waved a hand behind him as he walked towards the door. "Jiang Cheng," he was glad his voice still retained the same bright and lilting tone, "the weather is so hot. I'm going to town to get a drink. "
"Wei Wuxian!" He heard Jiang Cheng shout at him. "Don't you dare lea-"
He shuts the wooden door behind him. When he was sure he had walked far enough for anyone in the courtyard to see him, walked long enough that if Jiang Cheng wanted to chase after him he would have done so by now, he crouched down at the edge of the pier.
The clear water reflected the expression on his face. He did not recognize it. It was not an expression he would ever think he would see on himself. Weak, he thought, how was he going to protect Jiang Cheng and Shijie if he was affected by something like this?
It took him a long time before his breathing evened out and his heart stopped feeling like it would jump out of his chest.
He smiled at his reflection until he got the shape of it right. Only then did he get up, wiping away the cold sweat that had beaded on his forehead, and sauntered his way towards town as if nothing had happened.
---
He did not know the name of the inn he had entered. He had gone up to the first inn he saw and ordered a jar of liquor immediately. Forgoing all sense of propriety, he sat on the windowsill with one leg dangling over its edge as he watched people mill below. Another jar of liquor sat snug in his hand, he had lost count of how many he had drunk, but it mattered little as he lifted it to his lips, chasing the sweet tang on his tongue and the warmth that flowed into him.
He rubbed circles into his chest. He still had not gotten used to the emptiness where his golden core once resided.
But at least the liquor got rid of some of the gaping pain, provided him with a weak and temporary simulacrum of the warmth a golden core would have provided had it been there, dulled the memories of the past into a gray haze that made it a little less unbearable to think about, and lets himself fall into a languid daze where the constant guilt that plagued him was now nothing but background noise.
---
By the time he stumbled back into Lianhuawu, all was quiet. All the rooms were dark, no one was up and about, which was exactly why Wei Wuxian has only allowed himself to return now.
He let himself into his room and flopped onto his bed. He and Jiang Cheng had had their own rooms once they were old enough, and he laughed to himself as he imagined the berating he would get if he had woken Jiang Cheng up so late in the night had they continued to share a room.
In a drunken haze, he finally had a respite from his thoughts and sleep found him easily. And even if he knew he would wake up with a splitting headache in the morning, it was worth a full night of uninterrupted sleep untainted by nightmares.
---
He could only practice his demonic cultivation on the other end of Yunmeng's cliffs away from the disciples' training. It was desolate with no grass underfoot, and with little to no sun with how thick the foliage was so that one would not be able to decipher if it was night or day, no traveller would venture through this path, just how he liked it to be.
Playing Chenqing, he concentrated in allowing the energy to run through his veins without consuming him, a delicate balance. He had better control of it now than before, but it was still not unusual to see the trees that had stood tall around him toppled from his energy outbursts.
He thought of Lan Zhan, thought of how Zewu-jun had told him of the cleansing music he had been practicing and scouring through all for him, and guilt simmered low in his belly.
I hope Wei-gongzi would not be so self-centred as to harm those that truly care for you, Zewu-jun's words rang in his mind.
He squeezed Chenqing tight, taking a deep breath shakily to calm himself.
He had to get better at controlling it, if only so as to not hurt anyone with it, if only so as to protect his loved ones even without a golden core, if only so as to not burden anyone with someone as undeserving as him.
---
When he had given up his golden core, he had known and accepted the many things he would lose from doing so. He would not be able to fight with Jiang Cheng anymore, be it sparring with their fists or swords, or even just their regular horseplay.
But when Jiang Cheng had pushed him so easily then, it was a painful reminder of how close he would always be to exposure.
Not only could he not fight with him anymore, but he also could not risk antagonizing Jiang Cheng to the point where he wanted to. But when their relationship had been built on fighting things out to resolve the issues between them, what were they to do now?
He had seen how confused and lost Jiang Cheng looked when he had backed away from a fight for the very first time that day. And the bond between them, which had remained steadfast and constant throughout everything that had happened, where Wei Wuxian had foolishly thought it would remain the same even when everything else had changed, had begun to change its shape as well.
It was just one of many indications that nothing had remained the same.
---
Ah Xian, Shijie said, painful and heartbroken, do you not want to stay in Lianhuawu anymore?
She had looked like she had braced herself for him to leave her.
It hurt him, for he had hurt them once again unintentionally.
Lianhuawu is my home, he had replied. Whatever happens, I will never leave Lianhuawu, and especially you and Jiang Cheng.
The realization hit him like a cart driving full force into him. That was what had never changed, wasn't it? The three of them together, there was not a time he could remember where it had not been so.
He would have to be stronger, he thought resolutely, so that if a threat as big as the Wens ever rose again he would be able to protect them, so that no one would have to pay with their lives for them to be able to live. Losing Jiang Cheng or Shijie was not something Wei Wuxian could imagine himself bearing.
The three of us will be together forever, he had promised Shijie that after all. He had to protect the two people that were the only constant things left his life.