Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Meat or candy, that is the question

Neither is desirable. Horrible things happen in both, and in both, characters you know and love are subjected to terrible events.

But what if you didn't have to answer that question?

What if, instead of making a decision that determined which terrible thing happened, you asked a completely different question.

What if you asked...

Dirk: What's happening, guys?
Studio Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Rose: Dirk. So nice of you to join us. Finally.
Dirk: Hello, Rose. Still cheerful as ever, I see.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAH
Jake: Hi dirk! Youre just in time to help us decide on a slogan for janes campaign.
Dirk: She’s still doing that?
Jane: Doing what?
Dirk: The whole...running for office thing?
Jane: Yes, I’m still doing that.
Dirk: Oh. I figured you’d burn yourself out eventually.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Dirk: Anyway, you said you needed a slogan?
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Jake: Yeah!
Dirk: Okay, what have you guys got so far?
Jake: Nothing.
Kanaya: Actually I Had An Idea But It Got Shot Down
Dirk: Really? What was it?
Kanaya: If You Wish For A President Who Happens To Have Both Brains And Experience Then Your Vote Should Be For Jane Crocker The Future President Of Earth C
Dirk: …
Dirk: I’m sorry, what?
Kanaya: I Said If You Wish For A President-
Dirk: No, I heard what you said.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHA
Dirk: Don’t you think it’s a little long?
Kanaya: What Do You Mean
Dirk: Presidential slogans are supposed to be quick and catchy, not the length of a book.
Rose: What kind of books have you been reading?
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Jake: Oh! I have an idea.
Dirk: Let me hear it, English.
Jake: Hope.
Dirk: …
Dirk: Okay, I have several questions.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHA
Dirk: First: Are you aware that’s already a slogan?
Jake: It is?
Studio audience: HAHAHAHA
Dirk: Yes. It is.
Dirk: Second: Why is it just your aspect?
Jake: I figured that people like me.
Dirk: Is that it?
Jake: Yep!
Dirk: Okay. Moving on.
Dirk: Jane, what about you? Do you have any ideas?

Jane: What about "A vote for Jane is a vote for a government that knows exactly what you're thinking at all times?"

Jake: Soooooo hope it is?
Dirk: Yeah, hope works for me.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHA

🎵Well, being gods is pretty hard🎵

🎵But not so much when you’ve got some heart🎵

🎵Sure you need some hope, light, mind and time in it🎵

🎵But heart’s the main ingredient🎵

🎵Love's the glue🎵

🎵That holds me and you🎵

🎵Together forever🎵

🎵No matter what we do🎵

🎵Cause we've got🎵

🎵A whole lot of heart🎵

🎵Yeah we've got🎵

🎵A Whole Lot of Heart🎵

Chapter Text

Dirk: Jane, great to see you. Look, I'm your campaign manager, right?
Jane: Are you? I seem to remember a certain someone not remembering I was running for office.
Dirk: Are you sure? I mean, Jake can be forgetful sometimes, but I don't think he-
Dirk: Right, you're talking about me.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHA
Jane: Yes. I was.
Dirk: But I'm still your campaign manager. I mean, who else would it be?
Jane: Hey, there are plenty of competent people I know who would love to manage my campaign!
Dirk: Like who?
Jane: Um...
Dirk: Need a second there, Janey?
Jane: I guess I don't know anyone who could be my campaign manager.
Jane: Gosh, I'm glad I have you at least!
Jane: You're a true friend, Strider.
Dirk: Yep. I'm totally not just helping you so I can wield power while you act as a powerless figurehead who I can pin blame on if anything goes wrong
Jane: Exactly!
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA
Jane: Anyway, what's this about?

Dirk: Look. Janey. Have you watched the news lately?
Jane: Not recently, no.
Dirk: What? You're running for office. Why wouldn't you watch the news?
Dirk: Never mind, I'm getting sidetracked.
Dirk: The point is that you've gotten yourself into something of a controversy.
Jane: Really? What is it?
Dirk: Apparently people found out you use margarine instead of butter in your cakes.
Jane: Oh, thank goodness. I thought it was the bribery.
Dirk: The what?
Jane: Oh, nothing.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHA

Dirk: Now, I know the allegations are false, but I need to hear you actually say it.
Jane: No they're true.
Dirk: Good, that's what I- I'm sorry, what?
Jane: The margarine makes them taste better! Is that really such a crime?
Dirk: Apparently it is to the general public because you're way down in the polls.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHAH
Dirk: But it doesn't really matter, I'm sure we can spin this some way.
Dirk: We'll get you on a talk show to address the rumors. I'll call Roxy, get her to do canvassing.
Dirk: Sound good?
Jane: I suppose.
Dirk: Great. See you in a bit, I've got some calls to make. But please, do me a favor and don't talk to anyone about this.
Dirk: I don't want any more needless drama
Jane: My lips are sealed!

Roxy: heyyy dirk i heard janey got accused of doin baking crimes
Dirk: Where'd you hear that?
Roxy: from jane like two seconds ago
Dirk: Of course you did.
Studio audience: HAHAHAH
Dirk: Look, while I have you here, would you mind going canvassing today? I really need to get out ahead of this.
Roxy: yea sure
Roxy: ooo i can get dave n karkat
Roxy: itll be a party!
Dirk: Great, the more people the better.
Dirk: Just… please take John with you at least.
Dirk: I really don't think you and Dave together without adult supervision is a good idea. Especially after last time.
Roxy: hey i paid for the boat and im pretty sure that carpacian was only a little scarred
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAH
Roxy: but suuure ill bring john
Dirk: Great. Bye, Roxy. Talk to you later.
Roxy: byeeeee dirky

It's going to be a long day

Chapter Text

Dirk: Hello, everyone.
Dirk: I brought you all here to help brainstorm ideas to get Jane back up in the polls.
Dirk: The best ideas I will implement and take credit for.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHA
Dirk: Any questions?

Dirk: Yes, Jake?

Jake: I thought you said you and i were going on an adventure.
Terezi: 1 W4S PROM1S3D LOTS OF CH4LK. SO F4R TH3R3 H4S B33N NO CH4LK.
Dirk: Yeah, there isn’t any chalk.
Terezi: >:[
Dirk: I used an old industry secret called "lying" to get you guys here to help me.
Jake: Thats all well and good but when are we going on the adventure?
Dirk: No, there isn't going to be an adventure
Jake: Seriously dirk?
Dirk: Unless you count helping a dear friend out as an adventure?
Jake: No. I do not.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHAH

Dirk: But seriously, does anyone have any ideas?
Gamzee: We CoUlD dO dEmOnStRaTiOnS iN tHe StReEtS wItH mIlK aNd SlOpPy MaKeOuTs
Dirk: What does that achieve?
Gamzee: nOtHiNg I jUsT tHoUgHt It WaS a GoOd IdEa
Dirk: Well it wasn't.
Dirk: Anyone else?
Jake: We could-
Dirk: No.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAH
Terezi: WH4T 4BOUT G3TT1NG J4N3 ON SOC14L M3D14?
Dirk: That's actually a sort of good idea, Terezi. Thank you.
Terezi: SH3 N33DS A MYSP4C3 TO R34LLY G3T TH1S C4MP41GN GO1NG.
Dirk: And there it is.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAH

Dirk: Regardless, I'm going to steal the first part.
Dirk: Jane, you need to get social media.
Jane: Hey, I have Pesterchum!
Dirk: Pesterchum doesn't count. Literally nobody else on the planet has Pesterchum.
Jane: That's not true, Terezi has it too.
Terezi: NO, 1 GOT R1D OF 1T WH3N 1 GOT MYSP4CE.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAH
Dirk: Ok, let me try this again.
Dirk: You need CURRENT social media.
Dirk: Jake, Terezi, Gamzee, I’m already regretting this, but do you guys think you can manage her social media?
Gamzee: ToTaLlY mY wIcKeD bRoThEr
Dirk: *Sigh*
Dirk: Jake, make sure they don’t completely destroy Jane’s campaign.
Jake: You can count on me!

Dirk: Jane, we've got to go. I actually got you on a talk show.
Dirk: It was surprisingly difficult.
Dirk: I wasn't aware baking was such an important issue in the troll community.
Jane: Of course! Why'd you think I was so high in the polls, because I'm good at politics?
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dirk: I guess not.
Dirk: Anyway, you’re on Earth C Today with Joanne Calmez. Do you know her?
Jane: Yeah! I’m pretty sure she hates me.
Dirk: She what?
Jane: I made fun of her name once and apparently it was a touchy subject because she vowed revenge.
Jane: It was a whole big thing.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHAH
Jane: Wait, do you think her allowing me on the show was part of her plot to get revenge?
Dirk: Of course not.
Dirk: I’m sure she doesn’t even remember it.

Dirk: Okay, it's possible she remembers it

Chapter Text

Dave: ok so like whats the game plan here
Roxy: the what?
Dave: like are we going to just walk up to peoples houses and be like "yo vote for jane"
Roxy: oh right yea i have a plan
Dave: what is it?
Roxy: were going to walk up to peoples houses and be like yo vote for jane
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA
Dave: works for me
Dave: oh look heres a house now
Dave: lets go put this quality plan into action

Dave: roxy would you like to do the honors?
Roxy: yea sure

Abithe: _<...are you the creators?>_
Roxy: yea is this a bad time?
Abithe: _< yeah, you could say that >_

Quinny: ~~~SCREW YOU~~~

Abithe: _< we were having a date. >_
Roxy: haha ok vote for jane byeee!!

Karkat: WOW, THAT WAS EMBARRASSING. GOD, IMAGINE HOW THE OTHER TROLL MUST HAVE FELT.

Roxy: troll romance! what r u gonna do?
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Chapter Text

Dirk: Okay, this was unexpected but I think I can make it work.
Dirk: Just don’t panic.
Jane: I’m no-
Dirk: DON’T. PANIC.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHA

Tamale: Five minutes until air!
Dirk: OH GOD
Jane: Dirk, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Jane: I just have to talk about my campaign and be nice and everything’ll work out.
Dirk: Sure it will, Jane. Just keep telling yourself whatever you need to not panic.

Joanne: GreetiNgs, Earth C! We’re here to>day with JaNe Cro>cker, aspiriNg po>liticiaN aNd all-aro>und terrible perso>N.
Joanne: Tell Me, JaNe, what were yo>u thiNkiNg when yo>u decided to> ruN fo>r presideNt?
Jane: Well, I was thinking…
Jane: “Wow, I’m kinda hungry.”
Jane: But THEN I thought “You know, I’d make a pretty good president.”

Joanne: Wo>o>o>w. That’s...a terrible reaso>N to> ruN for presideNt. Tell Me, is it true that yo>u put Margarine in yo>ur cakes?
Jane: Yes! Like I said, it makes it taste better.
Joanne: That’s disgustiNg. I kNo>w I certaiNly wo>N’t be buyiNg aNy Cro>cker baked goods aNyMo>re.
Jane: Is this really just because I thought you looked like Joan Callamezzo and laughed at your name?
Joanne: Y-No>! I do>N’t kno>w what yo>u’re talking about!
Joanne: I do>N’t act like her at all. I do>N’t eveN kNo>w who> Jo>aN is!
Joanne: I aM a beautiful, brilliaNt jo>urNalist! Is this Jo>aN CallaMezzo> aNything like that?

Joanne: WHEN I WAS 9 SWEEPS TRO>LL VAL KILMER SAW ME AT A MALL AND TO>LD ME I SHO>ULD MO>DEL.
Joanne: CO>ULD SO>METHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO> JO>AN??

Jane: Is this a joke?
Jane: Am I being pranked right now?
Jane: If so, it’s really good, hoo hoo!
Joanne: DO> I LO>O>K LIKE A JO>KE TO> YO>U?
Jane: …
Jane: Do I really need to answer that?

Joanne: O>UT.
Joanne: GET O>FF MY SHO>W
Jane: What?
Joanne: LEAVE

Jane: Jeez, okay, I'm going!

Joanne: ANd that co>Ncludes o>ur iNterview with JaNe Cro>cker, the wo>rst po>liticiaN ever.

Terezi: SO, MYSP4C3.
Gamzee: iSnT tHaT fOr lIkE sAd PeOpLe
Terezi: H3Y, DON’T ST3R3OTYP3! NO ON3 ON MYSP4C3 1S S4D!
JAKE: Thats because no one is on myspace.
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY!
GAMZEE: tHeN wHy DiD yOu GeT aN aCcOuNt
TEREZI: 1 M4K3 B4D D3CS1ONS 4 LOT.
TEREZI: FOR 3X4MPL3, 1 D4T3D YOU.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHA
JAKE: Anyway if we dont get myspace for jane what should we get?
TEREZI: HOW 4BOUT TW1TT3R?
JAKE: Perfect! Everyone on there is so nice. Instead of saying hello they say “hey sexy”!

GAMZEE: wElL hE iS pReTtY sE-
TEREZI: TW1TT3R 1T 1S!

Terezi: SO OBV1OUSLY 1'M RUNN1NG 1T, R1GHT?
Jake: Why would you be running it?
Gamzee: yEaH iM gOnNa Be In ChArGe
Jake: What? I thought it was clear it would be me.
Terezi: W3LL 1F W3 4LL TH1NK W3’R3 RUNN1NG 1T, TH3R3’S ONLY ON3 W4Y TO D3C1D3.
Jake: We each run a different account for jane and the most successful one gets to run the actual thing? Terezi: 1 W4S GO1NG TO S4Y B4TTL3 TO TH3 D34TH.
Studio audience: HAHAHAHA
Jake: That is a really good idea but i think it might take too long.
Terezi: F11111N3 W3 C4N DO YOUR STUP1D 1D34.

Chapter Text

Roxy: ok that last house was less than ideal but hey!
Roxy: weve got lots more people
Roxy: want to try the next person dave?
Dave: totally

Dave: yo can we talk to you for a minute about the election?
Sychia: ssuree

Dave: who are you planning on voting for?
Sychia: jjane, probablyy
Dave: well you shouldnt
Roxy: (daaave what r u doin?)
Dave: (dont worry i got this)
Dave: look jane can seriously not be president
Dave: shes like hells of xenophobic
Dave: i think shes trying to stop trolls from reproducing
Dave: which is SO not cool
Dave: i sure as hell know i wouldnt want some random ass baker girl who may or may not be related to space hitler
Dave: still kinda unclear on that
Dave: telling me who i can or can not make babies with
Dave: i mean not that im saying i want kids karkat and i have not talked about that
Dave: even if i know those babies would be cool as hell
Dave: nubbier horns than even nubby horns over here
Dave: actually would our kid even have horns?
Dave: can we even have kids?
Dave: mental note: check on whether karkat and i can have awesome half troll half coolkid babies
Dave: anyway you dont want to be stopped from having as many children as you want by jane right?
Sychia: ii… guesss nott?
Dave: exactly
Dave: if she were president the wheels would fall so far off that itd be like there werent any wheels at all
Dave: just a bunch of boats driving around the road
Dave: itd be a traffic nightmare
Dave: and also im pretty sure she cheats on her husband
Dave: not sure if that makes her a bad politician or anything but its obviously not great
Dave: but hey
Dave: you know who would make a way better president and who probably doesnt cheat on his awesome boyfriend?
Dave: me by the way
Dave: karkat
Dave: i mean look at him
Dave: hes...
Dave: hes...

Roxy: dave r u okay?
Dave: i
Dave: i dont know
Roxy: look it was nice talking to you but i think we should go
Roxy: i dont know what he said about jane but it was wrong
Roxy: shes cool and you should vote for her

Roxy: dude seriously what was that
Dave: i have no idea
Dave: its like one second im about to talk about how great jane is and the next
Dave: i dont even know
Dave i dont know where the hell i pulled most of that stuff from
Dave: my ass most likely
Dave: seriously some of that stuff was just nuts
Dave: like jane obviously doesnt have a husband
Dave: who would she even marry?
Dave: im pretty sure its against the law for juggalos to marry non juggalos
Dave: or karkat running for president?
Dave: i mean it would take someone with absolutely no brains to think of that
Karkat: RIGHT, AND THAT STUFF ABOUT US HAVING KIDS
Dave: oh no i stand by that
Dave: our kids would be amazing and we should ask kanaya if we could even have them

Karkat: I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S GONE INSANE
Karkat: I SHOULD TAKE HIM HOME AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T SCREW ANYTHING ELSE UP
Dave: i can still screw you though right baMPF
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Karkat: CLEARLY INSANE
Karkat: GOODBYE
Karkat: HAVE FUN CAMPAIGNING AND RUINING JANE’S CAREER EVEN MORE THAN HE JUST DID

Chapter Text

Dirk: That went somehow worse than I expected.
Jane: It was nice of that assistant to give us ice cream though!
Dirk: I think that was so we wouldn’t sue the studio.
Jane: Well, it worked.
Dirk: Let’s just go home and regroup before making whatever our next move is.
Jane: I think I should go apologize to her.
Dirk: Are you kidding me? Please do not.
Dirk: People who scream at other people to leave and never come back don’t want to be apologized to.
Dirk: They want to be left alone
Jane: But I feel so bad! I’ll just go say sorry really quickly and then come back.
Dirk: Fine, just don’t do anything too bad.

Joanne: Hello Earth C!
Joanne: Today, we’ll be discussing the amount of computers you need to have on you at all times.
Joanne: Can you ever have too many?

Jane: Joanne!
Joanne: O>h My go>d.
Joanne: What is it?
Jane: I just wanted to apologize.
Jane: I shouldn’t have made fun of your name.
Joanne: I’M iN the MIDDLE O>F A SEGMENT
Joanne: LEAVE.
Joanne: PLEASE.
Jane: I’ll leave, but I really do feel so bad.
Jane: I have some Crockercorp coupons in my pocket. Would you like some?
Joanne: If it’ll get yo>u to> leave, theN fiNe. Whatever.
Jane: Great!

Joanne: AaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dirk: How’d it go?
Jane: Bad. We need to leave.
Jane: Now.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Jake: So howre your social medias going?
Jake: I know mine is going great
Terezi: G4MZ33 ST4RT3D 4 TW1TT3R W4R W1TH SOM3 PURPL3BLOOD WHO DO3SNT B3L13V3 1N TH3 CLOWN CHURCH

Gamzee: i’M gOnNa MoThErFuCkInG cOnVeRt HeR
Terezi: H3 WON’T
Terezi: H3 H4S N3V3R CONV3RT3D 4NYON3
Jake: Terezi howre you doing?
Terezi: 4M4Z1NG
Terezi: 1V3 GOTT3N F1V3 D34TH THR34TS
Terezi: OR 1 GU3SS J4N3 GOT F1V3 D34TH THR34TS S1NC3 1TS H3R 4CCOUNT
Terezi: 4ND 1 H4V3 B33N PR3T3ND1NG TO B3 H3R WH1L3 1 M4K3 FUN OF P3OPL3
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHA
Jake: Generally you dont want any death threats

Terezi: 4LR1GHT SM4RT BOY
Terezi: HOWS YOUR TW1TT3R GO1NG??
Jake: Well if you must know its been going great.
Jake: I have a lot of followers and i havent started any wars or gotten any death threats.
Terezi: WOW OK4Y SO 1TS PR3TTY CL34R WHOS W1NN1NG TH3N
Terezi: M3
Terezi: 1M W1NN1NG
Jake: Well if you say so!

Chapter Text

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] --
TG: yeah so ur campaign has been going good on this front toooootally fine
GG: Well that’s lovely! I’m gonna need it after what just happened.
TG: oh no wat happened :(
GG: Horrible things. Ice cream things.
TG: oh noooooooo :( :(
TG: anyway i got a whole person 2 vote 4 u
TG: prbly
GG: Probably?
TG: yeah that 2
GG: Well, it’s a step in the right direction.
TG: yup!
TG: anything u want me 2 say 2 potential voters?
GG: Um…
GG: I have many non-offensive political opinions!
TG: sounds gr8
TG: here goes

Talaiz: hellllo?
Roxy: i have many nonoffensive political opinions!
Talaiz: that’s...great...
Roxy: vote jane!
Talaiz: are you okay?
Roxy: IM NEW 2 POLITICS OK

Talaiz: are you crying?
Roxy: YES
Talaiz: maybe you shoulld go…
Roxy: OK

TG: im sry janey i messed up ur campaign
GG: Well, probably not more than I did, hoo hoo!
GG: Hopefully the social media bit is going better.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] --
GC: SORRY J4N3 BUT 4LL THR33 OF YOUR SOC14L M3D14 4CCOUNTS H4V3 B33N C4NC3L3D
GG: What? Why??
GC: NO 1D34
GG: Wait, three social media accounts?
GC: Y34H
GG: I don’t need three!!
GC: W3LL NOW YOU DONT H4V3 4NY SO Y4Y??
GG: UGH.
-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased being pestered by gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

Chapter Text

Dirk: As you recall, this morning I called you all here to help run Jane’s campaign.
Dirk: This afternoon, I’ve called you all here to help me draft Jane’s resigning statement.
Jane: Wait, what?
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA
Dirk: Sorry, Jane, but the polls are in. No one is planning to vote for you.
Jake: I am!
Dirk: Well, Jake is, but honestly that just reflects badly on you.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA
Dirk: So best to quit while we’re ahead.
Kanaya: But You Just Said We Were Behind—
Dirk: Best to quit.
Dirk: Just...quit.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Jane: You know what? Maybe this is for the best.
Jane: While I was campaigning, I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with the people who matter to me.
Jake: Us?
Jane: No, Swifer and Cliper.
Jane: Of course you guys!
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHA
Jane: You’re all way more important than any old election.
Studio Audience: Awwwwwww
Kanaya: Speaking Of The Election Whos Going To Win Now
Dirk: I’m sure it’s not going to be anyone we know.
Dirk: Probably some experienced politician who’s going to make Earth C a better place.

Jane: A sentient chess piece won?
Jane: He can’t even talk, how is he supposed to lead us?
Dave: WOOO! YOU GO MAYOR!
Dirk: I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
Dirk: It’s not like it’s going to be important or anything.
Dirk: This was a one episode bit.
Jane: What?
Dirk: I said it seems like he’s a hit.
Dirk: I’m sure he’ll be a great president.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA

Jane: You know, even though I didn’t win or even finish running, I’m glad you were my manager.
Dirk: Thanks, Jane.
Dirk: I'm glad I got to be your manager
Dirk: You mean a lot to me, and even if you suck at politics, you're still my friend
Studio Audience: Awwwwwwww
Dirk: Now, we should probably go stop Dave from climbing onstage and getting tased by security.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAHAHA