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Karkat Vantas had no idea why anyone would want to show up to the apartment’s ‘Virtual Trivia Night’. Like, yeah sure everyone was in quarantine, but who the fuck was honestly bored enough to zoom into this bullshit?
Luckily he didn’t have to do much of the work since his boss had given him the list of random trivia questions. The ‘lucky winning team’ would get a 25 dollar Olive Garden gift card. Not that anyone could actually go to Olive Garden right now, but hey maybe they could figure out unlimited breadstick through take out or some bullshit like that.
He checked his set up. List of questions? Check. Score board? Check. Barefoot boxed sangria? Check. Alright. Here goes nothing.
He started the call and waited. All he had to do was sit here right? His boss said he could even end it early if no one actually showed up.
He had just pulled up twitter and was scrolling through when his laptop pinged. What?
An orange bubble flashed at the bottom. Saying (1) waiting room.
Fuck. Someone had actually showed up. One fucking person! Who in their right fucking mind would actually want to play some dumbass trivia match with their apartment leasing office?
He went to the waiting list. ‘Dave Strider’ appeared as the name. He clicked admit.
Well, here goes.
He was greeted by a blonde in sunglasses, laying on his bed. A poster of some weird robot art was on his wall in the background. Karkat watched as he connected his mic and a southern accent came through. Maybe Texan?
“Uh hey there. Is this uh...trivia night?”
“Yep. Kinda. You’re the only person who showed up though so-”
“-wait. Does that mean I win?”
“Uh.” Shit He couldn’t just give the gift card away right? His Boss said that even if ONE person showed he’d have to do it so...fuck.
“Well I mean I guess you’d still have to win it...”
“So all I have to do is win your trivia thing uncontested and I get unlimited breadsticks?”
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! This guy was really going to make him read off these shitty questions wasn’t he? God, just his fucking luck, this guy was a god damn weirdo. Dude it’s like 25 dollars? Didn’t he have like anything better to do?
Karkat sighed. Fuck this charitable trivia host act. If this douche really didn’t have the social awareness to not make him do this then fine he’d do it, but he wasn’t going to be all Alex Trebek about it.
“Yeah but you have to actually win though so good luck I guess. Let me know when you’re ready and we’ll get this over with.”
“Rad! Ready when you are, sweet cheeks.” He lowered his shades down for a second and winked at Karkat.
Wait was he...flirting with him? No. Nope. Karkat looked around his room and realized his bi flag in the corner. Nah this texas asshole was fucking with him. Okay shit wad, game on. You gonna play gay chicken? Get. Fucking. Good.
Karkat lowered his voice a bit, “Sweet cheeks eh? Alright there Mister, why don’t you show me just how smart that mouth of yours is? First question.”
He looked down at his question. “What is the loudest animal on Earth?”
Karkat watched Dave’s expression turn to faux pondering from his glasses down. His glasses up however, the host could see a reflection of a screen in the shades. He was googling ‘loudest animal’ discreetly on a phone below, or so he thought. Got him.
“Hmmm didn’t think you’d cheat on me so fast there.” Karkat drummed his fingers on the table. “It’s only the first question Dave. Are you really this bad at trivia?”
Dave frowned. “Aww who says i’m cheating darlin. I’m just thinking looooong and haaard is all.”
Karkat tapped his brow. “Shades.” He heard Dave drop his phone.
“Fine, okay here’s the thing. I’m shit at trivia. Dumb pretenious facts about what some people think are important? I don’t really care for that shit. But people? I can guess people. What if we changed the game Karkat? Huh? Just you and me?”
What was this cocky asshole getting at? Did he…was he...no this wasn’t going to turn into some fucked up porn bit right? There’s no way this guy...actually...
“What did you have in mind Dave…?” Karkat tried to keep his level surly tone but the skepticism came through at the end.
Dave smiled. And fuck, oh he had a nice smile. Even with the douchebag nightshades on. Karkat watched Dave lean down on his elbows, sprawled out on his bed. His round ass in tight red boxers in clear view. Fuck, what was this guy planning?
“Simple. I want to get to know you Karkat. If I can answer 10 questions about you correctly I get that gift card and get to take you out.”
With that, Karkat’s surly expression dropped. What did he just say? Take him out? Like on a date? Wait, this was quarantine. They couldn’t fucking go out even if he did win...not that Karkat wanted him to...right? I mean he didn’t know anything about this guy. Fuck! The asshole wasn’t even bothering to show his real face! This had to be a trick right? Flirt with the leasing office to get some breadsticks.
Okay maybe not.
But either way there was no chance this guy actually would want to take him out...especially once he figured him out.
Alright fine 10 questions it was. If Dave Strider could guess them all he’d drop the card in his box, and they could get all the soup and salad they wanted when this was all over In months or years or whatever from now.
“Alright fine. I’ll ask 10 questions and if you get, fuck, 7 of them right you win. Just because I want to end this fast. Then yeah you can wine and dine the fuck out of me when this whole plague is all over.” He spoke naturally, forsaking his dumb, porn voice overtone. If Dave wanted to get to know him he better get used to his actual voice. “Good fucking luck though. First question...uh…”, shit. He wanted to look around but he realized that would be obvious. “What is uh...my favorite color.” WOW really? Yeah, real original Karkat.
“Wait. How do I know you won’t cheat?”
Shit he got him there.
“Write them out.”
“Write out my questions?”
“Yeah, then at least you can show me whatever answer you had written down. Wouldn’t want you to change it at the last second babe. I know you want all that sweet unlimited pasta to yourself.”
“I don’t think they have unlimited pasta there.”
“OH THEY DO! But you need like a pass for that actually. Shit nevermind. Just uh, if you could, write them down..”
“Right, um okay fine, just give me a minute.”
“Yeah sure thing, take your time there Karkat, take your sweet time…” Dave pulled out his phone and waited while Karkat wrote his list.
- What is my favorite color: Black
- What's my favorite movie genre: romcoms
- What do I like to do in my downtime: Read, watch movies, lift (all acceptable answers)
- What’s my favorite food: popcorn
- What do I think is the worst goddamn movie of all time: The Greatest Showman
- How old am I: 26
- What did I major in in college: Political Science
- How long have I had my job: 1 year
-
What’s my biggest fear -
Do I actually want to go on a date with you How big is my dick?- What’s my tattoo of: Flower sleeve
- Cake or pie: Pie obviously
He wrote the list down as well as the answers to the side. Fuck there was no way this guy was gonna get any of this.
“Alright, I’m done. Let’s do this.” He took a swig of sangria and watched as Dave tossed his phone haphazardly behind him.
“Alright Karkat, ask away. You got my full attention.”
“Sure. What’s my favorite color?”
“Black” Dave smiled as he answered without hesitation. Karkat saw his face of shock in the camera and then Dave’s smug smile.”How did you-”
“You’re wearing black dude. Like some angsty guitarist leader singer in a high school garage band.”
“This is a button down.”
“Dude. It’s a black button down. In the summer. Thats edgy as fuck. Not that I mind though, it’s pulling in all the right directions if you know what I mean. Say is one of those questions there how much you lift? I bet I could guess a ballpark range with those shoulders stretching that cotton like hams at Christmas-”
“-Alright so you got one. Lucky fucking guess. Let’s try this one. What’s my favorite movie genre?”
Dave smiled again. If it wasn’t so frustratingly pretty Karkat would hate it. He watched as the smugglasses douche, fake pondered. He was obviously leading him to believe he was thinking real hard about this one. God he wasn’t was he? How was he doing this?
“Hmmm alright well you’re clearly the kind of guy who likes to play games with strangers over zoom calls, but you didn’t try to show me your dick or anything. So something tells me, Karkat, that you do want to be ‘wined and dined’ as you so nicely put it. I’d say you’re a bit of a romantic even, wouldn’t you? You like a nice romance movie don’t you baby?”
“I-uh-FUCK HOW ARE YOU?!?! YOU KNOW WHAT NEVERMIND NEXT QUESTION.”
“Oh come on now baby don’t get so fired up already we’ve just started. It’s not my fault you’re as easy to read as a paperback in the airport. Easy on the eyes too.” Dave wiggled his eyebrows a bit and Karkat took a deep breath. God why was he getting so fucking worked up over a guy knowing two dumb little questions about him. Alright fine. Time to move on.
“Next question smartass. What do I like to do in my downtime?”
Karkat watched Dave’s smugness run flat. Ha! Stumped him. Though he should probably take out movies and lifting now since they had just talked about that. Fuck he really was easy to read wasn’t he.
“Alright well you clearly like to watch movies because only movie lovers ask questions like that. So that’s too easy. And well we already said you lift because, well I mean look at you. You could snap me in half and I’d thank you. So lets see. Speaking of those CVS paperback novels… I bet you read those don’t you? Nora Roberts and Nick Sparks and all them!”
“...yeah...yeah I do.” Karkat felt the blood rush to his cheeks now. It was getting embarrassing how easy it was for Dave to read him like this. Fuck he knew nothing about this guy. Didn’t even know what he looked like without those dumb glasses on and here he was reading him right and left.
“Take off your shades.”
Dave frowned. “Why? Think I have all the answers written down on the lenses?”
“No I-I just want to know what the guy who clearly knows sooo much about me actually fucking looks like. Is that so much to fucking ask?”
“No I guess not...”
Huh he was kinda surprised that his request had bothered him so much. What was the big deal anyway? They were just some glasses! They were indoors and it was like 7pm anyway!
He watched Dave remove them to reveal deep brown eyes, almost red in color. Without the shades on he looked much more exposed and actually kinda nervous. Karkat watched Dave look away from the camera a lot more, suddenly aware of how seen he was.
“Alright you can see me now. Um, what’s your next q?”
“Uh, right.” Dave clearly looked uncomfortable now, but Karkat figured if he also acted uncomfortable then this was going to fizzle out fast and he was pretty curious to see how far Dave Strider was willing to go for unlimited mediocre Italian.
“What’s my favorite food? Hint, it isn’t unlimited pasta or what the fuck ever they have at Olive Garden.”
Karkat watched as Dave relaxed a bit at his joke though he still wasn’t facing the camera. In fact he was pretty much looking everywhere else as he pondered the deep question of Karkat’s nutritional preferences.
“Um, well fuck I don’t know. If you don’t like Italian and... Ugh I don’t know you seem pretty fit, maybe uh, plain ass chicken breast and broccoli and rice? Or protein shakes or eggs or something?”
Karkat smiled, so maybe Mr. Bigshot Strider here didn’t know every vague favorite thing about him.
“Nope. Actually I figured you might guess this one too since you know sooo muuuch about me. It’s popcorn. Movie popcorn actually. Not with all the gross melted butter on it but like right before that. Somehow theaters just make it different you know?”
“Wait. You see romcoms in theaters? Like you get in your car, drive to The Big Screen, and you see romcoms? Like by yourself? For fun? This is fun to you?” Dave chuckled and then, at watching Karkats take a deep breath of irritation, he began to full on laugh.
“Yeah I do it for fun! So what?! You’re the one who wanted to get to know me so damn much! You want to wine and dine my ass so bad Strider? Well you know what? A movie is all part of that! It’s the classic date!”
“The classic date? Oh so Mr. romcom over here is all about dinner and a movie? Really? That’s as lame as it gets! Don’t you want something more exciting? Some side step sweeping romantic gesture? Dinner and a movie? Is that really all it takes to get a piece of That Ass?”
“You can’t even see my ass dipshit!”
“Yeah you’re right, but I bet it’s thick as fuck. You do not look like the kind of man who skips leg day. I bet that whole bod is as balanced as a tightrope walker on a checkbook.”
“Who the fuck even are you?”
“Your worst nightmare and your future dinner date. Next question!”
Karkat couldn’t stop smiling suddenly. This guy was ridiculous and yet...his boring evening had taken a turn that was much more fun than he had ever expected. Fuck he litterally didn’t know a single thing about this guy. He had kinda meant it when he had asked earlier, who the fuck was Dave Strider…?
“Alright good luck with this one. What’s my least favorite movie?”
“Aww fuck. Okay we’ll you love romcoms so it’s probably some action movie type shit right? Like the Fast and The Furious wait no that has Vin Diesel and he’s a babe. Nah it’s got to be something with Tom Hanks right? That man has no sex appeal whats so ever-”
“First of all Tom Hanks was in Sleepless in Seattle, A CLASSIC, so fuck you!”
“Okay well damn, remind me not to take Tommy’s name in vain apparently. Fuck man I don’t know some horror shit? Maybe Nic Cage? Con Air? Shit, no that’s kinda romantic. He loves his wife and kid and all. Uh some sports film? Wait no maybe you like sports, you’re clearly fit enough to play them...Okay you know what I’m going to go with the last Avengers movie. No one liked that shit! There.”
Karkat watched Dave fumble over guess after guess until he finally landed on what was probably one of the most desperate guesses he could have grasped for.
“Nope. Wrong again. Huh maybe you’re not so good at reading people after all Strider.”
“Alright then fine. What is it?!”
“It’s The Greatest Showman.”
“Wait isn’t that a musical? With like love and uplifting songs in it? Love that can not be! All that jazz?”
“Yeah! AND IT FUCKING SUCKED ASS! FIRST OF ALL REWRITE THE STARS IS LITERALLY THE GAYEST SONG EVER WRITTEN AND I HAD TO WATCH ZAC EFFRON AND ZENDAYA PUT ON A SHIT PERFORMANCE OF BEING IN LOVE AND SINGING IT WHEN THE ONLY THING KEEPING THEM APART WAS THE ZAC EFFRONS DUMD RACIST SHAME?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! AND 'THIS IS ME' IS THE BIGGEST BULLSHIT NUMBER, WHEN ALL THE OTHER ESSAMBLE MEMBERS NEVER REALLY GET ANY SORT OF FUCKING AGENCY OUTSIDE OF IT! LIKE I GET IT HUGH JACKMAN WANTED TO SING AGAIN BUT THIS IS HOW THEY DO IT?! FUCK ME!”
“Uh. Fuck, okay. Damn. You sure have a lot of feelings about The Least Greatest Showman. I get it. Shit. Yeah that sounds fucking awful.”
Karkat’s voice hurt a bit and he took another swig of sangria. If his face wasn’t red enough before it certainly was now. Fuck there was no waaay this guy wanted to take him out after that rant.
“Alright so you got me. You know you’re full of surprises Karkat. I’m still not giving up though. I’ve only missed two. I got another few chances to get that date. Let’s do this. Hit me baby four more times!”
“Ha, alright. How old am I?”
Dave Smirked. “You’re 26. Just a year or so older than me.”
Karkat raised an eyebrow, okay so now he knew Dave was his age. But damn he was so oddly confident that he would be spot on.
“Okay..weird that you figured that one out...um, right. So, next question” Karkat looked at his list to remind himself what the fuck he had planned on asking next.
“What did I major in in college?”
“Well you’re mouthy and opinionated, and it sounds like you can debate so my guess would be either English or poli sci. But something about you just screams I used to be into the machine until I began to rage against it so my guess would be some government poli sci shit.”
“Uh...fuck...you’re right…” Dave had fucking got him. Karkat had believed in the idea of fair government until he had studied it. Then he had finished his major because fuck he had already paid for most of the damn thing and had sworn off ever going into any sort of government agency what so ever.
“Huh. I’m-you’re. Did you go to school?”
Dave smiled. “Yeah I went for music and art. Double major. I’m actually finishing the art degree now though. Which is kinda bullshit to be finishing an art degree online. I sort of signed up to have all the school’s resources you know? But now it’s all paper’s and shit. I mean yeah a lot of the rest of my classes were digital anyway but there was this really cool ceramics course I was taking that I’m pretty bummed that I have to just write papers on now. I miss the wheel man, you know?”
“No. I uh don’t since I’ve never actually touched raw clay in my life come to think of it. But it sounds cool? I’m sorry you don’t get to finish the course like you wanted to. That’s bullshit.”
“Yeah no kidding. Uh thanks for saying that...want to ask me another question?”
Huh so it looks like Dave wasn’t opposed to Karkat asking questions back. Come to think of it if he hadn’t seen this as some sort of fucked up competition for his wine and dine card to begin with he probably could have been asking Dave questions back the whole time. Wow, when he thought of it like that he kind seemed like the biggest fucking asshole. Jesus.
“Wait. Ask you another question for me or for you?”
“Uh well we’re on Karkat trivia right now, but sure baby you can ask me what you like. Still though, I do want to see that hot ass of yours seated right at the fine dining establishment that is ‘Le Olive Garden’ so maybe ask me a YOU Q first.”
“God you really know how to talk a date up.”
“And you really know how to stall. Ask me that question Karkles, or are you afraid I know you so well you don’t even have to ask?”
Karkat smirked. “And what if my next question waaaas what is my next question?”
“It’s not. And I think you’re kinda mad you weren’t that clever to make that your next question when you wrote these all down. I’ll be honest though if that was your next question I’d probably strike out here breadsticks and all. I have no idea what you’re about to ask me, really.”
“Well at least I know you’re not some mind reading magician now.”
“Oh there’s magic to me for sure. But I don’t break that out until date three.” Dave waggled his eyebrows again, but it looked much more silly without his dumb shades on and Karkat couldn't help but laugh.
“So sure you’ll even make it to date one. Right, next question. How long have I had this job?”
Karkat watched Dave look like he was actually thinking back for a second. Wait had Dave ever met him in real life? Had he seen Dave around? Come to think of it he hadn’t. Though that didn’t really mean much since he didn’t know most of the residents here. The residency was 6 buildings large around a lake in the middle of nowhere. He guessed Dave went to the College 30 minutes away or so. They had quite a few students here, most of whom had roommates.
“About a year. I can’t say the month but around a year.”
Okay this was getting weird. Suddenly it hit Karkat and he felt like the absolute dumbest piece of shit. He looked at his next question. Perfect. There’s no fucking way this guy could guess this unless Karkat was right about his theory.
“Alright you know what fuck this. Let’s go Strider. What kind of tattoo do I have?”
Dave looked uncomfortable for a second like he was debating something, Karkat watched him nervously glance not at the camera.
“Uuuh you seem soft.. something with flowers probably.”
“Yeah. Yeah it is. MAGIC MY ASS STRIDER YOU LOOKED ME UP WHEN I WAS WRITING THESE DIDN’T YOU!”
Dave’s grin could eat shit and then some.
“Yeah. Yeah I did. Honestly, I figured you would have guessed sooner. Zoom lists your name right there unless you change it and you, Karkat Vantas, sure as hell have a very uncommon name. Looking you up was as easy as pie. Which by the way I also know you love much more than cake seeing how your Instagram literally has a post that says ‘If you think cake is better than pie you can eat mine’. Which by the way I would in a heartbeat. Those thirst traps you post as ‘progress photos’ could make anyone want a slice of that.
“God I can’t believe I actually bought this crap! Did you even want to take me out? Or was this just some easy way to get me to agree to something you could look up real quick and win your way into a fucking 25 dollar gift card to some shit ass pasta palace.”
“Well if we’re being honest here I got on this call because, yes I have an unlimited pasta pass my friend got me as a gag and I thought that if I had 25 dollars that would be about four plates of pasta. Which would mean four times I could get unlimited pasta after this whole thing was over. Except then I saw you Karkat. Sipping your sangria in your tight black button down, and well, yeah maybe this started as a pasta deal but I meant it when I said I wanted to wine and dine you. I wanted to get to know you is all. And look I know it was a shitty way to start out but you gotta admit it was fun right? I mean I’m not just making this up, you had fun...right?”
Karkat watched Dave’s face as he explained his pasta ploys and then as he confessed that yeah he did want to actually get to know him better. Did he have fun? Yeah, he had. This had honestly been the most fun he had had in a while. Quarantine sucked. Quarantine and still working sucked. Quarantining while all your friends were with their significant others, or plague pal hook ups or whatever, sucked. In the last two months he’d had wistful and sad phone calls, played Stardew valley, and watched movies alone in the office. All that? SUCKED. But this call with Dave? It was the first time he had actually enjoyed himself in the past couple of months. And god did he think Olive Garden sucked shit, but he would eat endless pasta if it meant he could actually get a date with this dumbass dork who had actually gone out of his way to try at an apartment complex trivia night just to get some breadsticks.
Karkat sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically, you know, for flair, and then looked at Dave.
“I guess it was alright. Luckily it looks like you won’t have to con your way into date two.”
“Date two? But-”
“What you don’t think this counts as a date? A stranger tricks me into telling him all my deepest secrets and offers to take me out? You don’t think I’m heartsleeve enough to fall for that? Come on Dave watch a movie or something...besides.” Karkat raised an eyebrow. “I’m curious about that date three magic you talked about.”
Dave smiled “Well Karkat I’d love to show you. Lucky for you my dick meets social distancing regulations.”
“Pfff. Six feet?”
“Yeah baby SIX FUCKING FEET.”
“Yeah okay Strider we’ll see about that.”
Months later Dave Strider stood outside the apartment complex around the corner from his own, nervously adjusting his shades and sweating in a suit he had told Karkat that of course he was going to fucking wear on their fancy ass date. His mask had little forks swirled around plates of spaghetti. He held his breath though as the door opened and fuck yes!
Karkat Vantas emerged wearing not a suit because fuck that but he looked nice enough in slacks, a button down and yes, the matching fucking pasta mask Dave had made for him.
“You wore it!”
“Of course I wore it. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t wear the ugliest thing you could ever make and call it the greatest piece of fabric to ever grace my face?”
“A pretty shit one probably.” Dave leaned in and slipped off the elastic band around Karkat’s ear and did the same to his own.
Karkat faux gasped “But Dave what about the distanc-”
“Karkat Vantas you have been exactly 912 feet from me for three months. Will you please just kiss me already?”
Karkat smiled against Dave lips “Yeah, I think I can do that.”