Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM. You’ve been on this meteor for less than three human weeks, and thus far you’ve been occupying yourself with

1. Watching Rose trying to alchemise things and then getting superbly frustrated when she fails
2. Listening to her apologies and explanations over lashing out when frustrated
3. Watching her try to list the simplest concepts she knows of
4. Clown hunting
5. Avoiding Vriska
6. Tidying the lab
7. Tidying the lab again
8. Yelling at Terezi for messing up the lab
9. Apologising and admitting that in fact, she is allowed to sit on the chairs and peruse the bookshelves
10. Reminding her that “perusing the bookshelves” does not mean “slobbering on the pages of the books”
11. Awkwardly trying to converse with Karkat in the lab while Dave mumbles to himself on the other side of the room for periods of time usually in excess of ten minutes
12. Awkwardly trying to placate Karkat when he starts yelling at Dave for mumbling, then remembering that you don’t have an ashen hoofbeast in this race and you don’t want to have one and making your escape as quietly as possible
13. Clown hunting, but this time in the hopes that he’ll calm Karkat down
14. Clown hunting, but this time because he’s a terrible moirail and Karkat deserves better
15. Stacking cans with the mayor and taking deep breaths

Somehow, despite your very full schedule, you remain Bored As Shit.

ROSE: Kanaya, I’m afraid I have to ask.
ROSE: What on earth are you doing hiding in a dark alcove with a chainsaw?
KANAYA: Clown Hunting
KANAYA: Hes Gone Too Far This Time Rose
ROSE: Had he not gone too far when he killed two of your friends?
ROSE: I’m beginning to think this has something to do with a quadrant.
KANAYA: Excuse Me
ROSE: You heard me.
ROSE: So are you black for Gamzee, or pale for Karkat?
KANAYA: I Dont
KANAYA: Ugh

You sigh and turn your chainsaw back into a tube of lipstick and captchalogue it. Rose inclines her head. Her smile is patronising and yet, somehow, charming. Goddamn it. You follow her back through the corridors leading to the more well-lit and populated part of the meteor.

ROSE: I’m simply worried for your mental health, Kanaya.
ROSE: I’ll admit, I’m not as well versed in troll romance as I’d like, but I think you should acknowledge these feelings.
ROSE: Perhaps attempt to initiate an actual relationship? Surely it would be healthier than hiding in dark corners.
ROSE: Which isn’t very effective, by the way. I could see you from thirty feet away.
ROSE: If you can’t turn off the glowing, I’d advise either covering your skin, or hiding in brighter areas.
ROSE: Kanaya?

Okay, you haven’t been paying attention to anything coming out of Rose’s mouth for the past minute and a half. She’s worried about your feelings? Not as well versed in troll romance as she’d like? If she’s harbouring pale feelings for you, surely she wouldn’t so breezily advise you to act on hypothetical feelings for another?

Your skin is glowing even brighter than it was a few moments ago, and you have no idea how to make it stop.

ROSE: Are you quite alright?
KANAYA: Oh Yes Um
KANAYA: Sorry Could You Repeat All That
ROSE: It was nothing important, really. Just a few tactical suggestions.
ROSE: To get back to the point, I think you should act on whatever urges you may be having towards murderous clowns or glorious leaders.
ROSE: Not to be too forward, or to presume I know more than you on your culture’s courting rituals. That’s simply my two cents on the matter.
KANAYA:
ROSE: Unless, of course, you already are in a relationship with one of them? I assume you aren’t with Karkat, seeing as he still claims to be Gamzee’s moirail, but perhaps there’s a kismessitude in the works that Vriska has yet to hear about, and subsequently has yet to spread rumours of to everyone on this meteor?
ROSE: I won’t tell a soul, of course. You can trust me.
ROSE: Well?
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Well You See The Thing About That Is
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: Im Really Not Looking For That Sort Of Relationship
KANAYA: From Either Of Them I Suppose
KANAYA: Ive Spent A Lot Of Time In Such Relationships In The Past
KANAYA: Both Black And Conciliatory
KANAYA: Ive Found It To Be Thankless And Draining
KANAYA: I mean I Suppose Its Alright For Some
KANAYA: Goodness Knows Ive Seen Many A Fulfilling Ashen Relationship Played Out On Screen
KANAYA: While Watching Movies With
KANAYA: Karkat
KANAYA: Hm
ROSE: I see.
KANAYA: Ugh No Not Like That
KANAYA: Honestly He Makes Everyone Watch Those
KANAYA: I Caught Him Manhandling Dave Into Watching Good Luck Chuck With Him The Other Day
KANAYA: And We All Know How Much Dave Hates Human Dane Cook
ROSE: Your modifier of “human” implies there’s a troll Dane Cook. I would be very interested to delve further into this sometime.
KANAYA: Look The Point Is
KANAYA: One
KANAYA: Im Definitely Not Harbouring Any Caliginous Feelings Toward Gamzee
KANAYA: There Will Be No Hatesnogs
KANAYA: The Only Graphic Thing That Will Ever Happen Between Him And I Is His Death At My Blade
ROSE: (*Him and me.)
ROSE: (Sorry. Please continue.)
KANAYA: Which I Can Assure You Will Be Graphic But Fast
KANAYA: Much Like His Murder Of Two Of My Good Friends
KANAYA: Ok Im Getting Worked Up Which Isnt Helping My Case
KANAYA: But I Really Dont See Him That Way
ROSE: It’s ok, Kanaya. I think I understand, anyway.
ROSE: Karkat has told me that part of the basis of a good kismessitude is the nagging possibility of good in one’s partner, and the frustration that it is squandered by someone so infuriating.
ROSE: I suppose you find Gamzee’s wrongs to you and your friends unforgivable and irredeemable.
KANAYA: Yes That Is It Exactly
KANAYA: Honestly I See No Good In Him At All
KANAYA: If There Ever Was Any Its Long Gone
ROSE: I’m sorry to have brought it up.
KANAYA: Well To Be Fair I Was Waiting For Him With A Chainsaw
KANAYA: It Would Likely Have Been Rather Awkward If You Hadnt And At Least Now Its Cleared Up
ROSE: Not that the conversation we’re having instead isn’t just as awkward.
KANAYA: Haha Yes I Suppose So
KANAYA: But Anyway
KANAYA: My History With Conciliatory Relationships In The Past Has Led To Be Being Seen As Something Of An Ashen Village Two Wheel Device
KANAYA: And Thus Led To Friends Laying Many Emotional And Social Burdens On Me Over The Years
KANAYA: Ill Admit I Often Picked Up These Burdens Gladly But They Were Still Heavy
KANAYA: And My Pale Experience
KANAYA: Oh Dear This Is Awkward Haha
KANAYA: Did You Know Vriska And I Were Moirails Prior To The Beginning Of Our Session
ROSE: Why, no. As a matter of fact I did not know that. I’m intrigued, though.
KANAYA: Dont Be
KANAYA: It Was A Shitshow
KANAYA: Anyway Karkat Reminds Me Of Her In A Lot Of Ways
KANAYA: He Can Be Self Absorbed At Times
KANAYA: But He Cares Deeply About His Friends
KANAYA: To A Point Which Is Often Overbearing
KANAYA: Okay That Doesnt Remind Me Of Her It Reminds Me Of Me
KANAYA: Or At Least How I Have Been Told
KANAYA: (Usually By Vriska)
KANAYA: That Others See Me
KANAYA: Its Not That I Cant See His Pale Appeal
KANAYA: Honestly Hes Really Quite A Catch
KANAYA: But Its Like
KANAYA: Have You Ever Eaten An Oblong Meat Product That Tasted Delicious But Which Later Resulted In Severe Bouts Of Abdominal Pain Nausea Vomiting And Diahorrea
KANAYA: Subsequently Putting You Off All Future Oblong Meat Snacks
KANAYA: ?
ROSE: I know exactly what you mean.
KANAYA: Besides He Already Has A Moirail
KANAYA: I Mean Hes A Shit One Obviously
KANAYA: And I Care About That As Karkats Friend
KANAYA: But Karkat Claims To Be Maintaining Their Relationship So Even If I Had Such Feelings For Karkat I Would Be Loathe To Act On Them
KANAYA: Ugh I Worry About Him
KANAYA: But I Also Worry About Terezi And Aradia And Sollux And Dave And I Suppose Even Vriska To A Point
KANAYA: And You
ROSE: Good to know I rate lower than Vriska.
KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: I
ROSE: It’s fine. After all, you were her moirail once upon a time.
ROSE: There are bound to be some lingering feelings.
KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: Yes That Is It Precisely
ROSE: Glad we got that cleared up.
ROSE: Shall we?

Wow. You’ve actually been standing by the lab transportalizer for several minutes now, having reached it halfway through your conversation. Fuck, you hope no one heard you. You’ve been so busy alternating between staring at rose and resolutely staring three feet to her left that Vriska and Karkat could have been having a screaming match on the other side of the wall and you wouldn’t have noticed.

You take Rose’s proffered arm, hoping she won’t notice the few seconds you stood there silently in a daze. Then you panic.

KANAYA: Um Actually
KANAYA: I Have To Go
ROSE: Oh?
ROSE: Okay?
KANAYA: Bye

Before she can say anything else, you’ve taken your personal transportalizer and made it to your block. You curl up at the bottom of your nigh-empty recuperacoon, wishing beyond belief that your lusus was alive and with you, and let what’s left of the sopor slime calm you down until you stop trembling.

What was that?

Okay, so you’ve been harbouring a flushcrush on tentacleTherapist since before you met her. So what? It didn’t mean anything. It was more a celebrity crush than anything else, and it certainly didn’t stop you pitying Vriska. And then, of course, you met her, and she was even better than you imagined. Competent, and determined, and single-minded – and okay, terrifying. But you let her be terrifying, because fuck if pacifying her was a pattern you wanted to get stuck in again.

So why was she pacifying you?

Because, okay, yes, she had walked in on you and poked her unwelcome nose into your business and started planting ideas in your head about possible relationships. But on the flip side, it felt pretty good to actually talk to someone about everything. To just ramble on and listen to her rambling and be able to say things like Karkat’s great, but fuck if he isn’t annoying and I hate Gamzee and I don’t want to kiss him over it and not have them held over your head and used as ammunition like Vriska would have done. If she ever payed enough attention to hear you say anything like that, anyway. It felt, if you were honest, pretty amazing.

So, lovely! The girl you wanted to be your matesprit was turning into your moirail! No big deal!

You’re definitely overreacting. It was one conversation.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] –-

GA: Hello Dave
GA: Are You Online
TG: sup kankan
TG: huh
TG: you should come down to can town more often i bet the mayord get a kick out of how half of your name is can
TG: you could be like their ambassador or something
TG: the can whisperer
TG: kan whisperer?
TG: lmao no rose is the kan whisperer and kans the can whisperer
GA: Actually
GA: I Was Hoping You Could Do A Little Rose Whispering For Me
GA: So To Speak
TG: well damn i can try but she antagonistic and obtuse at the best of times and fucking incomprehensible at the worst
TG: why whatd she do
GA: Nothing Really Im Just Finding It Difficult To Parse Her Manner Of Communication And I Suppose Her Feelings In General
TG: hah just like old times huh
TG: coming to lil old dave for advice on how to get the flighty broads goat
GA: Yes I Suppose So
TG: im prolly gonna need some more details than that though
GA: Well Lets Start With
GA: Some More General Human Whispering
TG: i mean i wouldnt qualify rose as quote unquote human most of our broad rules dont exactly apply to her
GA: Still
GA: Okay Hmm
GA: Hmm
TG: hmm
GA: Shut Up Dave
GA: What Do You Know About Pale Relationships
TG: okay this has been great but i really dont want to hear about your alien vampire lesbian girlcrush on my friend who i recently found out was my long lost twin sister
TG: wham bam no thank you maam
GA: Oh For Fucks Sake Dave Dont Be A Wiggler
GA: Just Tell Me Your Foreknowledge So I Can Walk Into This Conversation With As Few Awkward Misunderstandings As Possible
GA: For One Thing I Havent Even Started Asking Questions About Rose Yet
TG: doesnt mean this isnt about her though does it
TG: ok pales the bro one right
TG: the one with os but no xs
TG: the one where you spill your deepest secrets to one another in the dead of night and then fuck platonically on a pile of clown horns or something
GA: Dave What Do These Words Mean
GA: And Also No To The Last Bit
GA: Thats Not At All What It Is
GA: I Mean The Secrets Thing Yes But Not The
TG: clown horn fucking
GA: Not The Clown Horn Fucking
GA: Very Much Not The Clown Horn Fucking
GA: !
TG: lmao
GA: Okay To Clarify It For You
GA: The Quadrant Of Moirallegiance Is Centred Around A Relationship Of Mutual Trust
GA: Complementary Personalities
GA: Being Able To Calm One Another Down When They Are Worked Up And Being Able To Handle Situations With Ease Which The Other Would Be Completely Unable To Cope With
GA: Comforting Each Other In Times Of Hardship And Yes Divulging Secrets To Each Other
GA: Such As Matters Of Other Quadrants
GA: Social Grievances
GA: Stresses And Anxieties
GA: In Protecting Your Partner From The World And From Themself While Also Protecting The World From Them
TG: damn
TG: thats pretty hardcore
GA: Look Do Humans Engage In This Type Of Relationship Or Not
GA: And Is It Considered Romantic
TG: uh
TG: i guess a lot of thats stuff you get in a close friendship
TG: i mean i had to protect john from getting fucked over by terezi and i dont want to snuggle in the clown pile and fondle his cheeks
TG: neither face cheeks nor ass cheeks
TG: just a total lack of cheek fondling of any variety
GA: So Its A Purely Platonic Relationship For Humans Then
TG: well a lot of people would also think that kind of stuff is important when youre dating someone too
TG: like if youre in a relationship you tell each other shit and you protect your girl and she fucking orders your pasta for you if youre crying in an olive garden or whatever
GA: What
TG: basically it could go either way like its just something you feel for humans you care about regardless of wanting to date them or not
TG: supposedly
TG: obv im above all that so no first hand experience
GA: Didnt You Use Your Friendship With John As An Example Of This Not Three Minutes Ago
TG: wow what the fuck kanaya why would you bring that up
TG: i told you that in confidence
TG: i thought we were friends
GA: Apologies
GA: Ill Go
TG: jegus get back here
TG: did you have any other questions
TG: maybe about rose specifically
GA: Well
GA: Yes
GA: With Rose Specifically
GA: What Do You Think Such Things Would Mean
GA: Talking About Ones Feelings And So On
TG: lmao has she been subjecting you to her trademarked lalondian psychobullshit
TG: getting all up in your troll thinkpan with a scalpel like the maddest of docterrorist brain surgeons and instantly invading your weak points like a fucking sledgehammer
TG: i know i said shes wielding a chisel but it turns out its one of those fancy mindfuck weapons like youve got
TG: but i guess for this one both the things are weapons
GA: Is She Usually So
GA: Does She Usually Miss The Mark Wildly And Yet Somehow Manage To Hit It Exactly At The Same Time
TG: pfff ok implying rose has been right ever
TG: shes been diagnosing me with gay since i was like ten
TG: she thinks jade has about six different disorders
GA: So Shes Usually
GA: Baseless In Her Accusations
TG: i mean the ones where she calls me gay are baseless
TG: but probably like fifty percent of the jade ones are right
TG: and shes either insanely good at seeing through her moms mind games or overthinking their every interaction to an insane degree
GA: But These Are All
GA: Platonic Relationships
GA: ?
TG: yeah i guess
TG: i mean i thought we maybe kinda had a thing going despite the accusations of flagrant homosexuality
TG: but apparently we were luke and leia all along
TG: yuck
GA: So What Youre Saying Is
GA: These Are Overtures Of Friendship
TG: nah theyre overtures of rose caring about you
TG: thats different for humans
TG: i mean i know trolls were all ready to up and kill anyone who wasnt dating them or dating their dates
TG: but thats not really how it is with humans
TG: theres kind of a baseline level of care with all your friends and crushes and people youre in actual relationships with and siblings and family members and whatever
TG: so rose shows that she likes you by being weird and esoteric
TG: i highly doubt theres a difference in that whether its platonic or not
TG: if it helps i saw her mooning over your fucking trollian handle the other day
TG: just like sitting with a blank chat window open and staring at it and smiling
TG: no joke most unsettling thing ive ever seen
TG: rose fucking smiling in a non condescending way
GA: Right
GA: Thanks For Your Help Dave
GA: This Has Been
GA: Eye Opening
TG: you know it babe
TG: ugh on second thoughts forget i said that
TG: have fun making heart eyes at my sister
GA: Okay

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Chapter Text

VRISKA: Attention, losers and Terezi!
VRISKA: It is time for the 8est night of your life!
VRISKA: The 8est people you know are hosting–
KARKAT: HOW CAN MOVIE NIGHT  BE THE BEST NIGHT OF OUR LIFE IF YOU HOLD IT EVERY WEEK?
KARKAT: YOU SAY THIS EVERY TIME. YOU DON’T EVEN QUALIFY IT WITH “THUS FAR” WHICH WOULD ALLOW YOU TO CLAIM EACH ONE WAS BETTER THAN THE LAST
KARKAT: IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR EVERY INDIVIDUAL MOVIE NIGHT TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF OUR LIVES. A LOGICAL FALLACY!
DAVE: dude can you shut the fuck up youre giving me a headache
KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION EVERY ONE OF THE PIECES OF SHIT PASSING FOR ART THAT YOU MAKE US SIT THROUGH IS AMONG THE WORST THINGS I’VE EVER HAD TO ENDURE IN MY ENTIRE SHITTY EXISTENCE.
KARKAT: NOTE MY USE OF THE PHRASE“AMONG THE WORST”, BECAUSE EACH INDIVIDUAL MOVIE CANNOT ACTUALLY BE THE WORST.
KARKAT: "WHY CAN'T THEY ALL BE THE WORST, KARKAT?" I HEAR YOU ASK. WELL, HERE'S A REASON FOR YOU.
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE THE WORST, VRISKA! IT IS YOU.
TEREZI: 1S H3 DON3?
KANAYA: Just Getting Warmed Up I Expect
VRISKA: Oh n8 he’s not!
VRISKA: Do you want to know why?
TEREZI: *G4SP* WHY 1S TH4T, M4RQU1S3?
VRISKA: 8ecause I am instituting a system of democracy!
VRISKA: Out of the kindness of my heart, tonight’s movie will 8e decided not 8y inargua8ly sensi8le decree, 8ut 8y…
VRISKA: The idiotic whims of the pu8lic!
KARKAT: THE KINDNESS OF YOUR HEART? BEHOLD MY SCOFF.
KARKAT: *SCOFF*.
DAVE: yeah no im calling bullshit no way was this vriskas idea
DAVE: (also dude what the fuck you cant just say scoff)
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, STRIDER, LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT A SCOFF IS.
ROSE: (He's right. Scoff is an onomatopoeia, intended to represent the sound of scoffing.)
ROSE: (Observe.)
ROSE: Aughhghuch.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
TEREZI: 1F YOU’R3 4LL DON3 PR3T3ND1NG TO KNOW WH4T WORDS M34N
TEREZI: W3 C4N DO TH3 VOT3
TEREZI: 4ND NO, OBV1OUSLY VR1SK4 D1D NOT SUGG3ST TH1S H3RS3LF
TEREZI: TH3 M4YOR TOLD M3 TO DO 1T >:]
KARKAT: OH, OKAY.
DAVE: yeah that makes sense
VRISKA: Do you all want to hear your options or n8t????????
VRISKA: I’ve picked one non-8oring movie from each of four 8ase genres.
VRISKA: Horror, action, fantasy and...
VRISKA: (8arf!)
VRISKA: ...Romance.
KARKAT: OH WOW, HOW INCREDIBLY FUCKING GENEROUS! I’M SURE WHATEVER YOU’VE PICKED IS AN EXCELLENT EXAMPLE OF THE GENRE.
KARKAT: NOT.

Your attention begins to wander away from an argument which is rapidly getting personal. Instead, you look at Kanaya, who’s sitting on the opposite side of the couch, too focused on her sewing to engage in the conversation. Her hair curls around her jaw and gleams where the light from her skin hits it, and you suddenly find yourself in a bit of a pickle.

Your name is ROSE LALONDE, and you think you might be human gay.

The vote ends up in favour of romance, which confuses you until you realise the film Vriska picked for that genre (In Which A Violet-Blooded Aristocrat Follows Her Teal Ex-Matesprit To Legislacerative Training In The Hopes That He Will Notice Her Competence And Reassess His Judgement Of Her, Beg For Her Forgiveness And…) is literally just troll Legally Blonde. Karkat and Terezi must both have voted for it, and maybe Kanaya too?

It has a lot more gratuitous violence than you remember the human version having.

Elllle Woodes is just about to meet her actual love interest (Kanaya, who has somehow made her way across the couch towards you, informs you that Emmet is a mustard-blood whose lack of psionic powers meant he had to find a line of work not usually expected for those of his caste. She also informs you that this movie is incredibly unrealistic in terms of trolls from different castes being able to choose their professions) when Karkat starts snoring. You look at the other couch, not sure what you expect to see. He’s sitting on the floor, leaning back against Terezi’s knee. Terezi, for her part,  looks equal parts horrified and endeared. You look back at Kanaya, who’s smirking at you over a half-finished skirt, and decaptchalogue your knitting. The rest of the movie passes in companionable textile-based silence, at least on your couch.

*

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FINAL BATTLE PREPARATION.
CTT: Just wanted to let you all know there will be a mandatory strategy meeting in the lab tonight. Be there or be, as they say, square.

*

Hanging out with Dave is all well and good, but there are only so many ill beats you can stomach before you begin to wish you were ill, just so that you could excuse yourself. In a fit of desperation, you ask him how his work on Can Town is going.

DAVE: i mean its going
DAVE: the citizens are well fed and clothed but their houses arent decorated properly which is just a total fucking travesty
DAVE: gotta get kanaya in there for more than just neatening things i bet shed know the exact colour coordination for their tiny furniture or whatever
DAVE: im thinking of suggesting a public swimming pool
DAVE: thoughts
ROSE: It is of vital importance that young cans are taught about water safety, I suppose.
DAVE: exactly
DAVE: wanna go there and make one
ROSE: Actually, I have some things I need to do before tonight’s meeting–
DAVE: we can pick up kanaya on the way get her sick craft skills
ROSE: I suppose an hour or two can’t hurt.
DAVE: so do you think the pool should be like drawn on the ground or do we get a bowl of water and put some cans in it

You take the long way to Kanaya’s block, seeing as you can’t get through her transportalizer without her. You half-expect to find her lurking in a corner on the way, but maybe she’s given up on that hobby, because you find her sitting at her desk with a book.

DAVE: sup
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Rose And Dave
KANAYA: Fancy Seeing You Here
ROSE: I’d say the same, but this is your room and we came here to find you.
ROSE: What are you reading, if you don’t mind my asking?
KANAYA: Oh Um
KANAYA: Nothing
DAVE: yeah right nothing
DAVE: as evidenced by how obviously youre trying to hide the cover from us
DAVE: its clearly unremarkable and unintriguing
ROSE: Be nice, Dave. She doesn’t have to tell us if she doesn’t want to.
ROSE: We were just wondering if you’d like to come down to Can Town with us.
KANAYA: Is It In Need Of Maintenance
KANAYA: Dear God Has Terezi Been Licking The Chalk Murals Again
DAVE: i mean probably but
ROSE: No. Dave just thought it might be nice to “hang out” with you, as they say.
KANAYA: He Did Did He

Okay, you’re not sure what’s going on now, but Kanaya is giving Dave one of the most terrifying glares of betrayal you’ve ever seen. You try not to show that that kind of hurts. Does she not want to spend time with you? She seemed to like talking to you during the game. Does she not like you now that you've met in person? Did your last one-on-one conversation put her off? She’d left in a hurry, and it had taken you the better part of half an hour to convince yourself that she probably had something important to do and messaging her would look desperate and needy. Maybe you should have asked her about it, after all? Fuck.

Dave breaks the silence, of course, because a silence has never existed that Dave hasn’t felt the need to break. His title should by rights be the Bard of Void, or perhaps the Maid of Never Shutting The Fuck Up.

DAVE: actually i was thinking you could do some detail work on the buildings
DAVE: save us from terezis idea of exterior decorating
DAVE: which is pretty much just paint everywhere
DAVE: like sand
DAVE: not the course rough and irritating part just the getting everywhere
KANAYA: So You Want Me To Decorate The Houses
KANAYA: Draw Little Windows On Them And Such
DAVE: yeah and maybe make some tiny doll furniture or something if you want idk
DAVE: holy shit no
DAVE: tiny can shaped clothes
DAVE: can you make a little can sweater
DAVE: if we wrapped a pipe cleaner around one itd probably look like arms
KANAYA: Hmm
KANAYA: Im Intrigued By Your Proposition
KANAYA: Ok Im In Let Me Just Gather A Few Things

You and Dave stand awkwardly in the doorway while Kanaya gathers a rather unsettling range of things into a duffle bag (you had no idea duffle bags could be chic until this day) and then captchalogues it. You try to distract yourself from the fact that she put an actual, honest-to-God machete in there by snooping out the book she was reading, but apparently she captchalogued that, too, because it’s nowhere to be found. You do, however, find another book by her recuperacoon, which says Rainbow Revelries in cursive letters over an illustration of a rainbow drinker ravishing a highblood. The bodice of the highblood’s dress is falling open, and her skirt has a wide gash torn in it which reaches almost to the waistline.

KANAYA: Are You Coming Rose

You jump, and drop the book so hastily that it almost falls into the recuperacoon, but Dave flashsteps over to catch it before it can hit the slime and immediately starts snickering when he sees what it is.

ROSE: Yes.
ROSE: Yes, I’m coming.
ROSE: Um, that is to say, I will be with you shortly.
ROSE: I mean, I will be departing for Can Town in your and Dave’s company.
KANAYA: Oh Gosh I See You Found My
KANAYA: My Book
KANAYA: Give That Here Dave
DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: i physically cannot watch this
DAVE: im going to die a heroic death of second-hand embarrassment
DAVE: take it
ROSE: Shall we, um.
ROSE: Let’s leave.
ROSE: All three of us, as a group.
ROSE: Of friends.
KANAYA: Yes A Casual Friendship Group Attending A Chill Hang
KANAYA: Ill Just Captchalogue This Shall I
DAVE: please tell me you see the irony of putting that in a chastity modus
KANAYA: Yes Thank You Mr Strider
ROSE: I think that’s code for “Dave, shut the fuck up.”
KANAYA: Why Rose I Didnt Know Your Seer Of Light Powers Allowed You To Read Minds
KANAYA: (That Was A Joke I Know You Cant Do That)
KANAYA: (I Was Pretending You Could Because You Did In Fact Accurately Translate My Meaning)
ROSE: Well, obviously. Otherwise I would have been able to read your mind and realise it was a joke
ROSE: Not that I didn’t realise.
DAVE: wow are we sure we wanna go to can town
DAVE: dont wanna let that tawdry material slip out of your sylladex and into the poor mayors innocent hands
DAVE: im not ready to give him the talk yet
DAVE: hey how old do you think the mayor is
ROSE: This is an excellent topic of conversation. Let’s keep it going.

The three of you make your way out of Kanaya’s block, doing your collective best to hold loud and appropriate conversation while avoiding each other’s eyes. You end up bumping into each other a lot, which doesn’t make anything any less awkward. Kanaya’s blush is entrancing, but it’s also difficult to look at, considering it makes her skin glow even brighter than usual.

DAVE: okay kanaya the residential district is over there
DAVE: you can go wild the mayor and i trust your judgement
DAVE: rose you can either join her or wait for me to confer with the mayor about the pool
DAVE: or you can make tiny books for the library
DAVE: ive been trying to do it but it is so hard to write that small
DAVE: also the rap section is full so we may have to open a second branch just for my ill rhymes to find the shelf space they need
DAVE: so i have to confer with the city planning department about that too

Before you can make any objections, Dave has already flown over to the other side of the room and is deep in conversation – if you count a surprisingly intense exchange of gestures and squeaks as "conversation" – with the Mayor. You’re left with Kanaya, who’s staring in befuddlement at the expanse of terrain she’s going to have to stumble across like a kaiju in order to reach the suburbs.

Fuck, you really hope this isn’t too forward.

ROSE: I could fly you across, if you like.
KANAYA: Sorry
ROSE: The floor in here can be difficult to traverse by foot.
ROSE: I could carry you over and then, you know, you would be there.
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: If Its Not Too Much Trouble I Suppose That Would Be Quite Helpful
ROSE: Right.

You spend way too long trying to find a comfortable position to carry her in. Eventually you give up on the idea of having the upper body strength to princess-carry her, and she agrees to let you piggyback her. It’s a little humiliating, considering she could absolutely princess-carry you, but you console yourself with the fact that you can fly and she can’t.

Okay, that feels a little like cheating. You resolve to do some push-ups later tonight. Maybe you can ask Dave for pointers.

She slips gracefully off your back when you touch down, brushing non-existent dust and wrinkles from her skirt, and smiles at you.

KANAYA: Thanks For The Lift
ROSE: Ha ha.
KANAYA: Hey Its Not Often I Get To Make A Relevant Pun
KANAYA: Unlike Some Of My Friends I Dont Have Many Gimmicks To Play Off
ROSE: I suppose not.
ROSE: I guess I’ll go, then.
KANAYA: What
ROSE: To the library.
KANAYA: Oh Right
KANAYA: Yes Okay
KANAYA: Um
ROSE: What?
KANAYA: Well Youre Welcome To Stay And Help Here
KANAYA: If You Want
KANAYA: Youre Also Welcome To Go
KANAYA: Just Putting The Option Out There I Guess
KANAYA: I Certainly Wouldnt Mind
ROSE: Oh.
ROSE: Really?
KANAYA: Yes Really
ROSE: I mean, if you think I would be any use.
ROSE: Not even I have quite as keen an eye for aesthetics as you.
ROSE: Nor half the technical know-how.
KANAYA: Thats Okay
KANAYA: I Like Your Aesthetic Just Fine

She smiles at you shyly. How is her smile so warm and yet so intimidating?

It’s probably the vampire teeth. Or maybe the fact that you know the lipstick she's wearing has been used to kill at least one person, and not even in the standard femme fatale poison-kiss way. In a rather more violent and spontaneous way.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: jsyk i think its hilarious that your gay awakening is over an alien vampire whos even scarier than you
TG: i mean its also a little concerning but so is everything you do so its circles right back around to comfortingly predictable yet also absolutely ridiculous
TG: also i think its hilarious that your gay awakening has been so sudden and obvious when youve been telling me for years how much i like dick
TG: really theres nothing about this that isnt funny
TG: case in point: the alien vampire lesbian unironically reads alien vampire lesbian trash lit
TG: not to talk shit about your gal pals hobbies but i could not make this up
TG: i mean obviously i could since im a creative genius but you know what i mean
TT: I’m not gay, Dave.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Okay, you’re not sure why you said that. You captchalogue your phone in the root card of your sylladex so you have an excuse not to answer it any more and pointedly don’t look at Dave and whatever he’s doing (staring deadpan at you from the other side of the room).

It’s not like he’s wrong, necessarily. But – fuck, can’t you have a meteoric journey (okay, that's overdramatic, but it's also situationally appropriate so suck it) of self-discovery without it getting leapt on by stupid thirteen-year-old boys like it's your stupid karmic retribution for whatever wrongs you’ve done to them? Is this what it’s like to have a brother? God, you hope not. You wouldn’t wish this on Jade in a million years. Then again, John’s probably just trying to make her watch con air for the hundredth time and acting like a –

Fuck, you miss them.

Kanaya’s smile has turned into concern and her glow has dimmed to a level that’s almost bearable to look at. Her skin is paler than that of the rest of the trolls and if you were in daylight you could almost convince yourself that she was just an unearthly beauty, rather than literally unearthly. Well, apart from the teeth and horns and claws and yellow eyes and uncanny-valley spinal structure. Do trolls have spines? From what you’ve gathered, they’re at least semi-arthropodic. Is their skin just thicker than yours, or is it an actual exoskeleton? They should be too big to have an exoskeleton, but considering they only pupate a few times in their life – how big are they when they turn from wiggler to humanoid? Do they have a cocoon for their adult moult? Does it contain some kind of liquid that minimises the effects of gravity on them, like their recuperacoons? Do –

KANAYA: Rose Are You Alright
KANAYA: I Didnt Mean To Pressure You Into Staying
KANAYA: Youre Very Welcome To Go Do Whatever You Want
KANAYA: Are There Preparations You Need To Make For Tonights Meeting
KANAYA: Or Did You Want To Make Small Page Prisms Like Dave Suggested
ROSE: Kanaya, are you telling me the troll word for “book” is “page prism”?
KANAYA: Well Highbloods Use Book Of Course
KANAYA: But Yes Page Prism Is An Acceptable And Widely Understood Term
ROSE: Huh.
KANAYA: Im Joking Rose
KANAYA: Page Prism Thats Ridiculous
KANAYA: Theyre Called Story Slabs Of Course
ROSE: Pfffffffft.
KANAYA: Im Not Joking This Time
ROSE: No of co– snrrk. Of course you’re noahahahahahaha.
KANAYA: Okay
ROSE: It's just.
ROSE: STORY SLABS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
KANAYA: Yes Thank You.
ROSE: Sorry. It was a good joke, though. And the bit that wasn’t a joke was also funny.
KANAYA: Its Fine

Her smile is cute her smile is endearing her smile is smug and indulgent and lovely and –

ROSE: I don’t want to leave. I was just lost in thought for a moment, is all.
ROSE: What are we doing here?
KANAYA: Well I Was Thinking Of Beginning With The Gardens
KANAYA: They Are One Of My Areas Of Expertise So
ROSE: Is there anything that isn’t one of your areas of expertise?

There’s that blush again. How are trolls able to flush as readily as humans when their skin is so much thicker and, presumably, more opaque? Is it just exaggerated on Kanaya because her skin is usually so deathly pale, or because it glows even much brighter than usual when she blushes? Is a rainbow drinker’s glowing related to vasodilation? Does their blood cause the glow somehow?

KANAYA: Yes Well Um
KANAYA: Perhaps You Could Get Started On The Gardens While I Take Some Measurements
ROSE: Measurements? What for?
KANAYA: Well I Know Daves Suggestion Of Can Clothes Was
KANAYA: Uh
ROSE: Dave being Dave.
KANAYA: Exactly
KANAYA: But Ive Taken Rather A Fancy To The Idea
KANAYA: Also Now That Its In My Head I Cant Help But Feel Like The Citizens Are All
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Naked
ROSE: I see.
KANAYA: Yeah
ROSE: Kanaya?
KANAYA: Yes
ROSE: You're too precious for words.
KANAYA: Oh
ROSE: Well, don’t mind me. I’ll be over here drawing flowers.
ROSE: Feel free to join me when you’re done with measurements.
KANAYA: Okay I Will

It’s a good thing you captchalogued some of the chalk you found lying around your planet. Sure, there’s plenty scattered around Can Town, but it’s a little slobbery for your tastes.

ROSE: Are these bite marks?
KANAYA: ?
ROSE: Over here.
KANAYA: Hmm
KANAYA: Oh God
KANAYA: They Are
KANAYA: Why Is She Like This Rose
ROSE: Your guess is as good as mine.

You pass several companionable hours like that, scribbling flora around the can houses in chalk and sketching windows and doors onto the houses themselves in marker. In fact, you spend so long on it that –

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: So just wondering.
CAG: Where the f8ck is everyone?
CAG: Terezi made snacks!!!!!!!! The least you could do is have the decency to show up to the meeting!
PAST gallowCalibrator [PGC] 4:02 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PGC: WH4TS TH1S 4BOUT M3 4ND SN4CKS
CAG: Well, you know how Rose was all like “if you 8ozos don’t come to the meeting I’ll put you in the naughty corner 8cause it’s suuuuuuuuper mandatory and imp8rtant and if you don’t you’re 8asically letting this team down on every conceiva8le level”?
PGC: 1 DON’T R3M3MB3R 1T H4PP3N1NG QU1T3 L1K3 TH4T BUT Y3S 1 KNOW TH3 M3SS4G3 TO WH1CH YOU 4R3 R3F3RR1NG
CAG: Well, she and Strider and Maryam didn’t even bother to show!
CAG: I’m sitting here with you, Vantas and the clown and it fucking 8lows!!!!!!!!
CAG: I am soooooooo boooooooored!
PGC: OH SO YOU W4NT M3 TO M4K3 SN4CKS TO M4K3 TH3M F33L GU1LTY
CAG: Yeah, pretty much.
PGC: 1’M ON 1T >:]
PGC ceased responding to memo.
CAG: How does it feeeeeeeel?
CAG: Knowing how much effort poor Terezi went to for you?
CAG: Just letting it go to w8ste????????
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: YOU SHOULD F33L T3RR1BL3
CGC: TH3S3 BROWN13S 4R3 D3L1C1OUS
CGC: 4LTHOUGH HON3STLY 1’M GL4D TH3R3’S NOT TOO M4NY P3OPL3 H3R3 B3C4USE W3’R3 4LR34DY RUNN1NG OUT OF CH1PS
CGC: DON’T WORRY 4BOUT COM1NG W3 C4N JUST POSTPON3 TH3 M33T1NG
CGC: F33L FR33 TO DROP BY 1F YOU F33L L1K3 W4TCH1NG “1N WH1CH 4 V1OL3TBLOOD…” 2: BURGUNDY, C3RUL34N & L1M3, THOUGH
CGC: >:D

Chapter Text

VRISKA: And one more thing! You can tell your m8sprit that if she wants to skip meetings in the future, she may as well just go ahead and n8t organise them!
KANAYA: Rose Is Not My Matesprit
KANAYA: And I Will Not Be Relaying Any Messages
KANAYA: Even Though It Would Likely Be Kinder As She Would Not Be Subjected To Having To Interact With You
KANAYA: I Have No Interest In Mediating Between You And Her
VRISKA: Oh right, I forgot you h8 me.
VRISKA: Why do you h8 me, Kanaya?
VRISKA: What have I ever done to you?
KANAYA: Nothing
KANAYA: You Were Even A Decent Moirail Really
VRISKA: Oh geez, thanks a 8unch, 8a8e!
KANAYA: My Main Problem With You Stems From Your Lack Of Respect For Me And Others
KANAYA: Also The Fact That I Have Realised You Are A Terrible Person
KANAYA: Was There Anything Else You Wanted
KANAYA: Spoiler Alert: I Am In A Bad Mood So I Dont Care If There Was
KANAYA: This Interaction Is Over

You’re not even sure why you’re being so snippy at Vriska, honestly. Normally you wouldn’t bother. Unpleasant as she is, she’s… well, definitely not harmless, but she's certainly been less harmful than usual since the beginning of your meteor trip; Future Terezi and Future John really did a number on her. And, honestly, you don’t actually dislike her that much.

Ugh. Fuck that. Yes you do. You’re never going to get over her if you keep letting her off, even just in your head. Vriska is the worst, and you hate her. No, not like that. You dislike her, and she isn’t worth even thinking about.

Vriska: Beautiful, cruel, intelligent, manipulative, predictable, unstable, self-centered, has killed not one but two two of your friends, self-aggrandising, generally a pain to talk to for any period of time. Rose: Beautiful, kind, intelligent, sensitive, exciting, maybe a little unstable but you’ve sworn off caring about that, remarkably selfless, has not killed any of your friends, self-deprecating, a pleasure to converse with.

It’s no contest, really. At least, it shouldn’t be?

No, it’s no contest. Sweet mother grub.

*

You enter the alchemy lab and find Rose and Terezi sitting at a table, hunched furiously over a table covered in piles of notepaper, nose fluid absorbency sheet boxes, cotton fluff spheres and… underwear?

KANAYA: Hello
KANAYA: Your Vriska Is On The Loose By The Way Terezi
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: DON’T R3M1ND M3
ROSE: Oh, Kanaya. Hello.
KANAYA: So What Are You Two Up To
ROSE: Ah, not much. Nothing of significance.
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 4 V3RY 1MPORT4NT QU3ST1ON FOR YOU, L4DY SP34RM1NT
TEREZI: DO YOU H4V3 A NOOK STUFF3R ON TH1S M3T3OR?
KANAYA: Excuse Me
TEREZI: OR 4 TR3MBL1NG SYNTH3T1C BULG3 D3V1C3
TEREZI: 4NY 1NSTRUM3NT OF TH4T V4R13TY WOULD B3 MOST H3LPFUL 4T TH3 MOM3NT
KANAYA: Uh
ROSE: (Terezi, stop!)
TEREZI: (wh4t? why?)
ROSE: (Just, please, shut up. Okay?)
TEREZI: (ok4y m1ss snooty l4v3nd3rp4nts)

It’s around this point that you realise Rose is wearing a towel around her waist and no pants. It’s also around this point that Dave floats in.

DAVE: (wandering around in the meteor hall)
DAVE: (all about as full as a ghost towns mall)
DAVE: (shit all over the floor and i trip but dont fall)
DAVE: (i got flying powers yo so just quit trippin yall)
DAVE: (the girls have blushing faces like a debutante ball)
DAVE: (okay no)
DAVE: (now im just saying things that rhyme)
DAVE: (that was a total thematic leap off the handle of this verse being about something)
DAVE: hey why is everyone looking at me im just over here minding my business why am i suddenly the star attraction at at the museum of snarky broads
DAVE: wait that makes it sound like youre all exhibits
DAVE: when youre actually the guests
DAVE: patrons?
DAVE: visitors?
DAVE: did i walk in on an alien lesbian threesome
DAVE: shit wait i forgot threesomes are a normal thing in your culture did i actually
DAVE: rose what the fuck i thought you quote
DAVE: werent gay
DAVE: unquote
DAVE: am i going to wake up one morning and find out john and jade have joined the rainbow parade too
DAVE: okay with jade it was kinda one step removed from the furry thing so im not super shocked but what about john “not a homosexual” egbert
DAVE:
DAVE: hey rose why arent you wearing pants

Rose’s expression turns from indignant humiliation to ice-cold righteous fury faster than a subbjugglator confronted with a bad joke.

ROSE: I’ve finally embraced the nudist lifestyle, of course.
ROSE: Or maybe I just got out of a shower that only involved the lower half of my body.
ROSE: Maybe we’re in the middle of an alien threesome.
ROSE: Or perhaps, just possibly, is there a chance – however slim – that it’s none of your fucking business?
DAVE: rose being a cryptic bastard about a question i honestly feel pretty justified in asking
DAVE: thats so weird and out of the blue and unlike you rose what the fuck
DAVE: is this bizarro world
DAVE: is john gay in this universe
DAVE:
DAVE: ok wtf how are you not jumping on these endless opportunities to tell me about how my lack of female role models turned me gay and caused my fixation on egberts sexuality because i secretly lust after the bucktoothed goober dick
ROSE: Because I’m not a child, Strider. Unlike you.
ROSE: And it turns out there are many things your parental situation was at least partially the cause of.
ROSE: Id est, your lack of knowledge about anything pertaining to women and/or basic biology.
ROSE: Leave now. You aren't welcome here today.
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: that time of the month huh
DAVE: no need to be snippy jesus im out
ROSE: Of course you are.

Dave is backtracking mid-air out of the room, a vaguely disgusted look on his face behind the shades. Rose waits until he’s gone to – bury her face in her arms? When she looks up, her eyes are red, her face tear-streaked.

TEREZI: OK4Y, TH4T W4S K1ND4 H4RSH 3V3N FOR YOU, L4LOND3
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Are You Okay
ROSE: I’m fine.
KANAYA: Do You Want Me To Leave As Well
ROSE: It’s fine.
ROSE: Terezi, could I please have another towel?
TEREZI: SUR3

Terezi’s sylladex appears in front of her and she sniffs around a few cards before finding the right one and handing Rose the dark red towel contained in it.

ROSE: Red? Really?
TEREZI: LOOK 1T 1S S1MPLY TH3 B3ST COLOUR TH3R3 1S
TEREZI: SORRY NOT SORRY >:/
TEREZI: 4T L34ST 1T WON’T SHOW TH3 COLOUR 4S OBV1OUSLY
ROSE: Fair point.
KANAYA: If You Dont Mind My Asking
KANAYA: What Exactly Is Happening Here
TEREZI: W3 4R3 4TT3MPT1NG TO 4LCH3M1S3 34RTH "P4DS" 4ND "T4MPONS" SO ROS3 DO3N'T BL33D 3V3RYWH3R3 >:/
KANAYA: !!!
KANAYA: Rose Is Bleeding
KANAYA: Are You Hurt
ROSE: A simple function of Earth female biology, I’m afraid.
ROSE: Or rather, human female biology.
ROSE: As I understand it, we are one of less that twenty species blessed with the joys of a menstrual cycle.
KANAYA: Im Afraid Im Still Rather Confused
KANAYA: What Is This Menstrual Cycle Of Which You Speak
KANAYA: Also Is It To Blame For Your Sudden Mood Change Or Is Dave
ROSE: I suppose you could go either way.
ROSE: Dave is simply being predictably reticent about anything outside of his narrow worldview and my hormones won’t stand for that kind of negative social interaction at the moment. Stupid feminine hysteria. Stupid stereotypes and their stupid basis in stupid truth.
ROSE: I’m sorry you had to see this.
KANAYA: Dont Be
KANAYA: Its Quite Alright Im Only Sorry Youre Upset
KANAYA: Is There Nothing I Can Do
ROSE: Not unless you do happen to have, erm.
ROSE: What Terezi asked for before.
KANAYA: Sorry
ROSE: We’re trying to synthesise some basic supplies which I was foolish enough not to consider in between the destruction of my planet and a series of events wherein I attempted to break the Jumanji ripoff I was trapped in, found my mother’s dead body, went grimdark, attempted to avenge her, was killed and subsequently revived as my dreamself, and initiated a suicide mission involving a hard reset of the universe and the creation/destruction of a supermassive celestial body.
ROSE: Oh, fuck.
KANAYA: Oh Dear
TEREZI: GR34T YOU M4D3 H3R CRY 4G41N
TEREZI: *ROLLS 3Y3S*

*

It takes a while, but eventually the three of you manage to alchemise something which – while not resembling any of the designs Rose had sketched out to show you – will do the job, according to her. You like to think you helped. You offer to walk you back to her block, but she politely declines, claiming she’s going put on some proper clothes and then guilt her brother into sending her his captchalogue codes for painkillers and a hot compress. This leaves you with Terezi, who’s stopped looking self-satisfied at your collective success and is now grumpily punching random codes into the holopad alchemiter to see what they do.

KANAYA: So Humans Are Weird
TEREZI: T3LL M3 4BOUT 1T
KANAYA: I Mean Two Different Sets Of Reproductive Organs Exclusively Relegated To Half Their Population
KANAYA: Whats Up With That
KANAYA: It Just Seems
KANAYA: Excessive And Inefficient
TEREZI: R1GHT?
TEREZI: HOW TH3 FUCK DO3S TH4T 3V3N H4PP3N?
TEREZI: NO OFF3NS3, K4N4Y4, BUT YOU 4ND K4RK4T CR34T3D 4 WH4CK 4SS SP3C13S
KANAYA: Ill Let Him Take The Fall For That One
TEREZI: F41R
TEREZI: SO WH4T’S TH3 D34L W1TH YOU 4ND–
KANAYA: So Whats Up With–
KANAYA: My Apologies
KANAYA: You Go First
TEREZI: OK
TEREZI: WH4T'S UP WITH YOU 4ND L4LOND3? YOU H1TT1NG TH4T?
TEREZI: G1V3 M3 4LLLLLLLL TH3 D33TS >:D
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: Nothing Is Going On Between Us
TEREZI R11111111GHT
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: > :]
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: > :]
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: > :]
TEREZI: >:]
KANAYA: Yes Okay I Get The Picture Please Stop Wiggling Your Face Larvae At Me
KANAYA: Were Friends
TEREZI: R34LLY M4RY4M
TEREZI: R34LLY
KANAYA: Fine I Am
KANAYA: (flushed)
KANAYA: For Her
KANAYA: Happy Now
TEREZI: 3CST4T1C >:]
TEREZI: 1T’S 4DOR4BL3 TH4T YOU WH1SP3R3D TH4T WH3N SH3’S NOWH3R3 1N TH3 V1C1N1TY
KANAYA: Who Says Shes The One Im Trying To Hide It From
KANAYA: This Meteor Is Entirely Populated With Shameless Chin Waggers
TEREZI: TH3 D3F3NC3 R41S3S 4 V4L1D PO1NT
KANAYA: Well Thats My Hot Gossip
KANAYA: What About Yours
TEREZI: >:?
TEREZI: 1 DON’T KNOW WH4T YOU’R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT
KANAYA: Dont Be A Spoilsport I Told You Mine
KANAYA: Whats With You And Vriska
TEREZI: NOTH1NG >:[
KANAYA: Terezi
KANAYA: What Happened To Justice
KANAYA: I Demand An Equal Trade
KANAYA: Tell Me Whats Going On With Your Quadrants
KANAYA: And Give Me “4llllllll Th3 D33ts”
KANAYA: Yes I Noticed The Eight Ls
KANAYA: The Prosecution Rests
TEREZI: TH3 ONLY TH1NG GO1NG ON 1S SH3’S 4N 4SSHOL3 4ND 1’M NOT T4LK1NG TO H3R
KANAYA: Yes I Gathered That
KANAYA: I Was Wondering Why
KANAYA: Considering Youve Been Pretty Much Glued At The Hip Ever Since John Showed Up On Future Yous Orders To Stop You Killing Her
TEREZI: W3LL M4YB3 P4ST M3 H4D TH3 R1GHT 1D34!
KANAYA:
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: NO SH3 D1DN’T
TEREZI: P4ST M3 W4S JUST M4D 4BOUT 4LL H3R FR13NDS DY1NG 4ND W4NT3D R3V3NG3
TEREZI: YOU UND3RST4ND TH4T, 1 KNOW YOU DO
KANAYA: I Do Understand That
KANAYA: But You And I Are Very Different People
TEREZI: TH3 FUCK3D UP TH1NG 1S TH4T ON SOM3 L3V3L 1 MUST H4V3 W4NT3D TO K1LL H3R
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT L1K3 1 COULDN’T H4V3 THOUGHT OF 1NC4P4C1T4T1NG H3R
TEREZI: 1SN’T 1T 4 M1ND PL4Y3R’S JOB TO F1ND TH3 TH1RD OPT1ON?
KANAYA: Terezi
KANAYA: You Did Find The Third Option
TEREZI: NO 1 D1DN’T
TEREZI: FUTUR3 M3 D1D >:[

Another code goes in, and the holopad presents an excessively fucked-up jetpack with random items jammed in. Terezi glares at it – or rather, a foot to the left of it – and stabs viciously at the keypad until it disappears. She slumps down next to the alchemiter, jerking her head to indicate you should join her.

KANAYA: Forgive Me If Im Off Base Here
KANAYA: But That Chain Of Events Has Struck Me As Rather
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Pale
TEREZI: Y34H
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK SH3 TH1NKS SO TOO
TEREZI: VR1SK4 TH4T 1S
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT F41R
KANAYA: How So
TEREZI: M4YB3 FUTUR3 M3 *W4S* P4L3 FOR H3R
TEREZI: BUT TH4T DO3SN’T M34N 1 4M!
TEREZI: 1T’S L1K3, 3V3N 4FT3R CH4NG1NG TH3 4LPH4 FUCK1NG T1M3L1N3 1 DON’T G3T 4 BR34K FROM PR3D3ST1N4T1ON!
TEREZI: VR1SK4 L1K3S M3, 4ND TH3R3’S 4 V3RS1ON OF M3 TH4T M1GHT L1K3 H3R OR M1GHT JUST H4V3 B33N TRY1NG TO S4V3 TH3 T1M3L1N3!
TEREZI: WHO TH3 FUCK 3V3N KNOWS? NOT H3R, NOT M3, 4ND C3RT41NLY NOT TH3 ON3 P3RSON WHO 3V3N M3T FUTUR3 M3, B3C4US3 H3’S 4 FUCK1NG 1D1OT!!!
TEREZI: WHY SHOULD TH4T M34N W3'R3 SUDD3NLY TROLL S3R3ND1P1TY, TOG3TH3R FOR3V3R 4ND 4LL TH4T BULLSH1T FROM K4RK4T'S MOV13S?
TEREZI: 4ND 1F 1 DO P1TY H3R, DO3S TH4T 4UTOM4T1C4LLY M34N 1 H4V3 TO L34P 1NTO D14MONDS W1TH H3R STR41GHT 4W4Y, JUST B3C4US3 1’V3 4LR34DY M4D3 TH1S GR4ND FUCK1NG G3STUR3 TH4T *1 D1DN’T 3V3N DO*????
TEREZI: UGH, P4L3 PROBL3MS 4R3 TH3 WORST >:[
TEREZI: TH3 P3RSON YOU’R3 M34NT TO GO TO W1TH YOUR PROBL3MS 1S TH3 PROBL3M!
KANAYA: That May All Be True
KANAYA: But You Might Also Be Understating Current And Past Yous Own Agency Here
KANAYA: You Have Done A Lot For Vriska In The Past Of Your Own Volition And She Has Always Been Very Significant To You
KANAYA: I Dont Know If That Means You Are Pale For Her Or Perhaps That You Were But No Longer Are
KANAYA: But I Will Say That Even After The Two Of You Fell Out I Often Felt Jealous Of You
KANAYA: Despite My Infatuation I Did In Fact Believe I Was Pale For Vriska
KANAYA: Before Our Relationship Though
KANAYA: Before Everything That Happened We Used To Gossip About Team Scourge And Place Bets On Pitch Or Pale
KANAYA: I Think You Were Always The Only One Of Us Who Really Knew How To Handle Her
KANAYA: Not To Say You Have A Moral Responsibility To Her And To The Rest Of Us
KANAYA: Its Just Food For Thought I Guess
KANAYA: Youre Not As Removed From This As You Profess To Feel At Least From Where I Stand
KANAYA: To Me Future Yous Actions Dont Seem Like A Development That Is Exclusive To The Old Alpha Timeline But Rather A Logical Escalation Of Things That Happened In Both That Timeline And This One
KANAYA: I Dont See This Version Of You As Restricted To Such A Relationship But I Certainly Dont See It As Exclusive To That Version Of You
KANAYA: Perhaps You Could Talk To Karkat About It
KANAYA: As Much As Gamzee Is A Caricature Of A Total Highblood Pale Catch Out Of A Movie I Honestly Cant See Him Being In A Functional Relationship Of That Sort In Real Life
KANAYA: Or Indeed A Functional Relationship Of Any Sort
KANAYA: I Dont Know Much But I Assume Karkat Must Be Having Similar Problems To You
KANAYA: Similar In Their Relation To Moirallegiance If Not In Their Precise Nature
KANAYA: Perhaps Such A Discussion Would Do You Both Good
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4
TEREZI: TH4T’S 4 N1C3 THOUGHT, K4N4Y4, BUT 4BSOLUT3LY NOT
TEREZI: TH4T WOULD JUST B3. SO WE1RD. FOR BOTH OF US >:|
KANAYA: Haha Yes I Suppose So
KANAYA: Well I Know That Vriska Is At Least Partially The Problem Here
KANAYA: But If She Really Does Pity You I Think Shed Be Willing To Listen To Your Issues Even If They Have To Do With Her
KANAYA: And If She Makes It About Her Rather Than About You
KANAYA: Well Then She Would Have Been A Terrible Moirail Anyway
TEREZI: GU3SS YOU’D KNOW, HUH?
KANAYA: Oh No I Definitely Would Not Know
KANAYA: She And I Had Something But Looking Back I Know It Was Not A True Moirallegiance
TEREZI: WOULDN’T 1T B3 L34D1NG H3R ON, THOUGH?
TEREZI: 1 M34N, WH4T 1F W3 T4LK 1T 4LL OUT 4ND 1T TURNS OUT 1 H4T3 H3R? OR 1’M JUST OV3R H3R COMPL3T3LY?
KANAYA: Between You And Me
KANAYA: I Dont Think You Were Ever Destined To Hate Vriska
KANAYA: And Maybe You Are Over Her
KANAYA: I Wouldnt Want To Suggest You Cant Get Over Her As I Feel That If You Werent Destined To Be Together Then An Important Part Of That Would Indeed Be Getting Over Her Without Having Others Tell You That You Are Stuck With Her No Matter What You Choose
KANAYA: And Im Not Saying You Owe Her Anything
KANAYA: In Fact Im Not Sure What Im Saying
KANAYA: But I Dont Think It Would Be Leading Her On Necessarily To Have A Frank And Open Discussion About Your Feelings Toward Each Other
KANAYA: Im Not Suggesting A Full Blown Feelings Jam Here Haha
KANAYA: And If You Do Realise This Isnt For You
KANAYA: I Think She Will Understand
TEREZI: >:[
KANAYA: And If She Doesnt
KANAYA: I Am Always Willing To Cut A Bitch For My Friends
KANAYA: Here Imagine I Am Revving My Chainsaw
TEREZI: H3H3H3
TEREZI: TH4NKS, K4N4Y4
TEREZI: YOU’R3 4 PR3TTY GOOD FR1END
TEREZI: FOR 4 M3DDL3R
TEREZI: >:]
KANAYA: Youre Welcome Terezi
KANAYA: Rolls Eyes

Chapter Text

The problem with missing a meeting which you organised is that Vriska will invariably take responsibility for the next one into her own hands. The upside, of course, is that once Terezi has been given the bright idea of bringing snacks to meetings, she will bring them to all subsequent meetings.

TEREZI: H4NDS OFF STR1D3R TH3S3 4R3 MY CHOCOL4T3 SUG4R SL4BS >:P
DAVE: counterpoint
DAVE: why would you bring two kilos of fudge to a meeting and not share it
TEREZI: TO TORM3NT YOU, D4V3
TEREZI: WHY 3LS3?
VRISKA: Can I have one?
TEREZI: NO >:[
VRISKA: ::::(
KANAYA: (Ahem)
TEREZI: UGH F1N3
TEREZI: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M4K3 YOU 4LL SQU1RM 4NYW4Y >:]

Terezi is the one squirming now, avoiding Kanaya's eyes, but she decaptchalogues a positive mound of food onto the table – and, of course, all over your notes. You spent a few moments trying to rescue them from the tide of Murderito crumbs spilling out of an already-open bag and almost miss what happens next.

VRISKA: H8y, what the fuck?
VRISKA: Are you and the meddler meddlefriends now or something????????
VRISKA: And if so, why wasn’t I told?
VRISKA: Not that I C8RE, 8ut since I’m 8asically the most imp8rtant person on this damn rock, I’d think I should warrant a tipoff a8out a development that affects the interpersonal dynamics of the entire team!
VRISKA: N8t to mention I thought we were FRI8NDS who T8LD E8CH 8THER THINGS.
TEREZI: CONTR4RY TO YOUR B3L13FS, VR1SK4, NOT 3V3RYTH1NG 1S 4BOUT YOU
TEREZI: 4ND NO, K4N4Y4 4ND 1 4R3 NOT “M3DDL3FR13NDS”, YOU JUV3N1L3 W1GGLER >:[
TEREZI: 1’M L34V1NG. YOU C4N HOLD TH1S M33T1NG W1THOUT M3.
TEREZI: 4ND 1’M T4K1NG TH3 FUDG3!

Vriska’s face is a mask of anger and hurt; Terezi’s face is simply a mask. She leaves the rest of the snacks on the table and storms out of the room, and you half-expect Kanaya to follow, but she just sucks daintily on a Capri-Sun and looks Vriska in the eye.

KANAYA: Is Getting A Friend To Share Their Food A Pileable Offense Now
KANAYA: My Bad I Thought When Three Friends Of A Person Are Ganging Up On A Person Who Was Always Intending To Share Her Food But Was Withholding It As A Funny Game
KANAYA: And The Person Subsequently Acquiesces To The Combined Efforts Of All Three
KANAYA: That Would Be Just Kind Of A Normal Friends Dicking Around Thing No
VRISKA: Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking a8out!
VRISKA: She was 8eing a jerk and you reined her in, in wh8t universe is that not p8le 101?
KANAYA: That Sure Is What You Think Happened
KANAYA: Perhaps You Should Examine Why That Upsets You
VRISKA: I already know whether or not I’m upset, and why! Unlike you! You don’t kn8w anything!
KANAYA: Youre Right I Dont
KANAYA: Im Not Terezis Moirail Or Yours
KANAYA: Are You Going After Her Or Not
VRISKA: Not. >::::(
KANAYA: Alright Then Lets Get This Meeting Started
ROSE: Actually, we can’t.
KANAYA: What Why Not
DAVE: fthe clowmn anmd hiss pwarolle offishr stwill armnt here
ROSE: Don’t speak with your mouth full, Dave.
DAVE: fvfucgk you yourev mnot myn mumn
ROSE: And thank God for that.
ROSE: He’s right, though. We’re down almost half our team.
ROSE: I’m not sure we’re going to get much done after all, at least not unless they suddenly show up in a haze of post-pile bliss.
KANAYA: Rose That Is Disgusting Please Never Say Or Imply That Again
VRISKA: Seriously, Lalonde. Yeuch.
DAVE: *chew chew swallow gulp* yeah rose jegus i didnt know you were so horny
DAVE: get it because trolls have
ROSE: Sorry, Dave, I didn’t actually catch any part of that sentence after you pretended to learn to swallow your food.
DAVE: dmanm rifght i was prtending
DAVE: srsly tho why dnomt we jusht hamve it wivout thm what were they reamly gonma comntmibrute
DAVE: hong HOMK honk BONK
DAVE: youv motherrFCUKERS BEDDER WATSH OUT orr ill CUT YOUR HEADS OMFF amnd kissh theme suweetly onm th lipss bfore i go to sleep ad nigh
DAVE: OH NMO YOOUO WONMT I HATE EVERGYWON ESSEPT YOU FUGK YU VRISKSA
DAVE: FUCGK LANLONDE FUCK TERNEZI BUCK STRIFDER
DAVE: KANANA CAMN SHTAY BUH SHESS ON THIM ICE
DAVE: woah mothderfucker howbout yous get your CHILL ONM
ROSE: Are you done?
DAVE: bwell the bit kina devolbs imto a bumch of shooshin and bappimg now but i guesh i coulg keep goinb
VRISKA: Don’t.
ROSE: I’m out, anyway. We aren’t going to get anything done like this, and I think we all need to cool off.
KANAYA: Agreed
KANAYA: Dave I Think You Should Go After Terezi And Talk To Her
KANAYA: Make Sure Shes Okay
DAVE: what why me
DAVE: i mean i know were friends but also we havent talked one on one in like a week and we never had a sharing our feelings type of relationship
DAVE: how am i your top pick for this job
KANAYA: The Top Pick Would Be Her Moirail
KANAYA: Unfortunately She Doesnt Have One
VRISKA: I wonder whose fault that is?
KANAYA: Its Hardly Anyones Fault
KANAYA: All Im Saying Is That For Trolls Discussions Like That Have Implications
KANAYA: Shes Gotten Her Advice Quota From Me Already This Week And I Only Have So Much In Me
VRISKA: Hah! I knew–
KANAYA: Vriska With All Due Respect You Dont Know Anything About Anyone Least Of All Me
KANAYA: Of Course Youre Also Out Of The Question Arent You Marquise
KANAYA: Since Youve Got A Very Loaded History With Her And I Think She Might Want Some Time Apart From You
KANAYA: Now The Prospect Of Telling Gamzee To Go Have A Loaded Emotional Discussion With Terezi Is Honestly Laughable
KANAYA: Seriously Im About To Bust A Spleen Just Thinking About It
KANAYA: And Karkat Is Out Of The Question Due To His And Terezis Shared Romantic History And The Awkward Nature Of Their Current Relationship
KANAYA: Not To Mention He And Gamzee Are An Item So Either Of Them Getting Involved In Something Like This Would Really Be Improper If Not Full Blown Infidelity
DAVE: hey can we back up whats karkat and terezis shared history no one ever explained that to me
DAVE: i tried to ask him and he got all weird and started making boxes do you remember that
ROSE: Yes, Dave, we remember that.
KANAYA: Also Neither Of Them Are Even Here So Its Moot
KANAYA: Basically This Kind Of Thing Is A Bit Loaded For Trolls So Its Got To Be You Or Rose
KANAYA: I Have Judged That Your Relationship With Her Is The More Familiar And Close Even Though As You Say Its Not Really That Kind Of Relationship
KANAYA: As You Yourself Have Told Me Discussing Feelings Is Normal In Human Friendships
KANAYA: There Ive Explained My Reasoning Now Go
DAVE: fine fine whatever

So now Dave's gone too, and you're left with Vriska and Kanaya and a meeting you had had high hopes for, once upon a time. And here you were, thinking it couldn't possibly fall apart faster than last time. Vriska is emitting periodic put-upon sighs to rival your mother on her worst days; Kanaya looks about as sad and frustrated as Mom used to when she would swear off alcohol and promise to be a better mother; you're beginning to realise why she drank. You push out your chair and slink out of the room, and you're not sure either of them notice.

*

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: idk what the fucks up with terezi
TG: she was sitting on the roof looking at the dream bubbles so i went to hang out with her for a bit but she didnt want to talk
TG: i mean she didnt throw herself off the edge of the meteor or anything so i assume thats a good sign
TG: is that a good sign
TG: anyways we went back inside and did some drawing but she didnt really get into it
TG: honestly i think it made her sadder
TG: shrug
TG: howd it go after i left
TT: I wouldn’t know.
TT: The other two looked pretty upset but no one was saying anything.
TT: I left not long after you.
TG: wow what a sad sack bunch of adventurers we are
TG: cant even get through one meeting without a fucking civil war starting
TG: whose side are we on rose
TG: no one fucking knows because were all wearing the same colours
TG: just a bunch of roundheads and redcoats all going round shooting each other in the face
TG: no edward dont do it thats your best friend maurice
TG: cupping ur bros face in your hands and watching him bleed out because you thought he was his evil twin brother eciruam
TT: You really know absolutely nothing about history, do you?
TG: whats history i only know herstory
TT: You’re a comedic genius.
TG: hey also
TG: i found my chocolate codes
TG: do you want them
TT: Please, God.
TG: ill tell you but first you have to answer a question
TT: ...
TT: You know what? No.
TT: Whatever fresh brand of bullshit this is, Strider, I don’t care.
TT: If you’re going to hold things over my head, you don’t have to talk to me.
TG: jesus fucking christ’s hairy asshole
TG: maybe im just worried about you
TG: imagine that
TG: maybe youre really fucking obtuse and sometimes i want a straight answer but i have to drag it out of you kicking and screaming
TT: Fine.
TG: what
TT: You can have one question.
TG: thank you
TG: now
TG: do you have any aj
TT: I will not hesitate to go grimdark on you.
TG: IM JOKING jeez
TG: (altho if you find some)
TG: (yknow)
TG: ok
TG: so i guess you just werent thinking far ahead when you forgot
TG: yknow
TG: your ladies treasure box
TT: Period preparedness pouch.
TT: I don’t actually call it that, but no one calls it a ladies’ treasure box either, and my is much less bad with the added bonus of alliteration.
TT: Maybe I’ll start using it. Would that concern you?
TG: right whatever idc
TG: and i guess you had a few weeks before that happened so it wasnt on the top of your mind
TG: but like
TG: other stuff
TG: yknow like painkillers and stuff
TG: why didnt you have that
TT: I’m not a front line fighter, Dave. I’ve had to perform first aid on myself, but not to any extreme degree. Mostly just bandaids.
TT: I always liked to imagine I’d be able to stitch up a wound, but now that that becomes more likely to actually be a thing I may have to do in the foreseeable future, I sincerely doubt I'd be able to stomach it.
TG: are you serious
TG: how can you even be that much of a wimp
TT: Question: How long have you been keeping a first aid kit in your sylladex?
TG: uh since always
TT: Why do you do that?
TG: in case i have to strife and i get hurt duh
TT: I thought as much.
TG: look can we please get back to my question and not talk about this
TT: Dave, I know you think your guardian was “hells of rad”.
TT: Or at least, that’s what you’ve told me. I don’t know if you still believe it. I know we've steeped our interactions in a hundred and one degrees of ironic bullshit over the years.
TT: But I think it might do you good to hear this:
TT: That isn’t normal.
TT: Most parents don’t force preteens to fight them on the rooftop at midday in summer with real swords, then expect them to patch themselves up afterwards.
TT: Most parents don’t start drinking at seven in the morning and pretend to vacuum the house using a statue.
TT: Most parents don’t fill their houses with things their child loudly and vehemently professes their dislike of, simply because it seemed like they liked it once, a long time ago.
TT: Most parents aren’t dogs.
TT: None of us are normal, Dave. John almost is, and Jade and I can sometimes pass as civilised company. She and I were, at worst, victims of neglect.
TT: But your brother abused you.
TT: Dave?
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Don’t be juvenile, Strider.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Unblock me!
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Dave!
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Dave.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --
TT: Fine. You’re only proving my point, anyway.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

You spend a few minutes staving off a panic attack. He hasn't done anything stupid, what about that conversation would even indicate he had? He just hates you. He's fine, and you're fine. Seperately, and without each other.

He just hates you and never wants to speak to you again.

Why is life awful?

Why are you so awful?

You tune into your Light powers for a few moments, just in case maybe this is a doomed timeline and the real Rose and Dave and Kanaya and Terezi and Karkat and Vriska and Gamzee are actually having a great time being best friends and making actual progress during strategy meetings. No dice – apparently, everything was meant to be ruined and hideous.

Of course, the only thing left to do is pester the one person who maybe you haven't quite managed to completely ruin your relationship with yet.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

TT: Hello, Kanaya.
GA: Oh Hello Again Rose
TT: I know you're upset about the meeting, and I want to talk to you about what that was all about.
TT: But I'm afraid me pestering you right now has selfish motivations. I need someone to talk to.
TT: I've done something wrong, and now Dave's blocked me.
TT: I pushed him too far and not to be dramatic, but he hates me forever now and everything is terrible and why can no one on this godforsaken rock just GET ALONG?
GA: I Feel Much The Same Way
GA: What Happened
TT: I told him something I think he took as an offense.
TT: I don't know whether I wronged his family, or his honour, or his hero, or his intelligence. I'm not even sure if there's a difference?
TT: I
TT: I don't know what to do.
TT: Please help me.
GA: Rose
GA: I
GA: Of Course
GA: What Can I Do
TT: Well, there are two options here.
TT: We talk about everything that's awful at the moment, or we ignore it.
GA: Hmmm
GA: Do You Have A Preference
TT: Unless you have an objection, I'm much more familiar with option two.
GA: Oh Good
GA: That Is Also My Preference
TT: A match made in heaven.
TT: Do you want to watch a movie with me? I think I have Ratatouille on my laptop.
GA: I Have No Idea What That Is But
GA: I Really Really Do
GA: Is That Weird
TT: Not at all.
TT: Come over, babe. My parents aren't home.
GA: Uh What
TT: Sorry, it's an Earth reference.
TT: I seem to be going into Strider withdrawal already. Sigh.
TT: The sentiment does stand, though. Unless you'd rather do it in your room.
TT: I get the feeling we both want to avoid common areas today.
GA: Your Feeling Is Absolutely Correct
GA: Must Be Your Light Powers Acting Up Again
TT: Yes, that's surely it.
TT: Would you be so kind as to pick up some snacks on your way over? and perhaps a spare "snuggleplane"?
GA: It Would Be My Absolute Pleasure
GA: Alright Im Going To Go And Then Im Going To Come Haha
TT: I eagerly anticipate your arrival.
GA: Oh
GA: I
GA: I Await My Arrival As Well
GA: Because Then I Get To See You Haha
GA: Okay Bye
GA: (For Now)
TT: Au revoir, ma cherie.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

Chapter Text

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: Karkat Are You There
GA: We Missed You At The Meeting Today
GA: Also I Have To Ask You Something
CG: YES, I AM HERE. NO, YOU AREN’T INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
GA: Really Karkat I Would Think That If I Was Then You Could Just Not Answer And I Would Assume You Werent Online Because You Were Busy
CG: OKAY, POINT TAKEN.
CG: I HAD STUFF TO DO, SO I DIDN’T GO TO THE MEETING. YOU KNOW, SINCE THE MEETINGS ARE A JOKE.
GA: This One Was No Exception To Be Honest
GA: You Would Have Hated It
GA: Gamzee Was Also Absent
GA: Any Idea Why
CG: WHEN THE FUCK HAS THE CLOWN EVER SHOWED UP TO A SINGLE MEETING WHEN I HAVEN’T DRAGGED HIM?
CG: I WASN’T WITH HIM, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE ASKING.
GA: It Was What I Was Asking
GA: ...
CG: DON’T DO THE ROSE THING, IT’S ANNOYING AS FUCK.
CG: DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT OR ARE YOU JUST HERE TO SHAME ME FOR NOT COMING TO A MEETING THAT DIDN'T EVEN END UP FUCKING HAPPENING?
GA: Well
GA: Yes I Did Have Something Else To Ask You
GA: It Pertains To Romance
CG: RIGHT, BECAUSE I’M SO FUCKING GREAT AT THAT.
GA: Well To Be Fair You Have Claimed So Many Times In The Past
CG: THAT WASN’T SARCASM. I AM SO GREAT AT THAT.
GA: Okay
GA: If You Say So
GA: I Was Just Wondering If You Think Perhaps Rose Has Flushed Feelings For Me
GA: Or Perhaps Pale
GA: Or Both Or Neither
GA: Im Drawing A Blank Here And Its Pretty Perplexing
CG: COMPLETELY CONFUSING?
GA: Broadly Bamboozling
CG: INCREDIBLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE.
GA: Utterly Un Understandable
GA: Well What Are Your Thoughts
CG: TROLL JEGUS CHRIST, HOW WOULD I KNOW?
CG: I BARELY SEE YOU TWO INTERACT IN GROUPS, LET ALONE ONE-ON-ONE.
CG: I’D BE CAREFUL, THOUGH. HUMANS HAVE THIS WEIRD THING ABOUT ROMANCE WITH PEOPLE OF THEIR SAME GENDER. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST EGBERT BUT I’M PRETTY SURE STRIDER THINKS THE SAME, SO IT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS.
GA: Yes Dave Is Of The Opinion That Rose Is Quote Not A Lesbian Unquote And He Seems To Use That Word In Relation To Rose Having Sex With Either Me Terezi Or Vriska
CG: HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT COME UP IN CONVERSATION.
CG: NO WAIT, DON’T TELL ME. I REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW.
GA: Indeed
GA: But Also Hes Dave So I Dont Know If Its Coming From The Most Credible Of Sources
GA: But Basically Whats Going On Is
GA: I Think Were Flirting
GA: And Then Shell Talk About Wanting Me To Be Happy And To Talk To Her About My Problems And Wanting To Talk To Me About Hers
GA: And Then Its Back To Lets Never Mention Anything Being Wrong Ever Do You Want To Watch A Movie With Me In My Block While Cuddling Under A Snuggleplane My Lusus Isnt Home
CG: WHAT.
GA: And Then She Says Things In Some Kind Of Code Language That I Dont Know What They Mean But They Sound Nice
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?
GA: Yeah So Please Help Because Im On My Way Over There Right Now And I Dont Want To Keep Her Waiting
CG: OKAY, I KNOW I’M THE FOREMOST OF EXPERTS ON TROLL ROMANCE IN THE UNIVERSE NOW THAT THERE’S LIKE SEVEN OF US LEFT ALIVE
CG: AND LET’S BE REAL HERE: EVEN BEFORE ALTERNIA WAS DESTROYED I WAS PRETTY MUCH TOP OF THE FIELD.
GA: So Modest Too
CG: BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THESE ARE ALIENS.
CG: EVEN IF THEY WERE CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEXITY OF TROLL EMOTIONS, WHICH I HAVE YET TO SEE EVIDENCE OF, I HIGHLY DOUBT THEY’D ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO *FEEL* THEM.
CG: SHE PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE IMPLICATIONS OF HER ACTIONS ARE.
CG: SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU.
GA: Oh
GA: I See
GA: Thank You
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME.
CG: NOW CAN I GO BACK TO TRAINING?
GA: I Suppose So
CG: GREAT. BYE.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll! --
GA: Wait Hang On What Training
GA: Karkat Are You Working Out Without A Partner
GA: Karkat
GA: This Isnt Over

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

*

Tea: check. Grubloaf-and-churned-dairy-product: check. Buttery exploded kernels: check. Cookies: check. Snuggleplane: check. You examine your hair in the reflective surface of an ectobiology tank, reapply your lipstick. You’re stalling.

Why are humans so confusing? Would it kill her to tell you how she's feeling? At least how she feels about you?

You've reached her door. There's no going back now.

ROSE: Come in!
ROSE: How are you doing?
KANAYA: So So
KANAYA: What About You
ROSE: So-so.
ROSE: Well, come in. Sit down.

You’re only just now realising you’ve never actually been in Rose’s block before. You’ve been outside it, yes, but you’ve never seen the inside for more than a few seconds at a time. It’s not as obsessively neat as you’d imagined. In fact, it’s a bit of a mess, and you seem to have caught Rose in the middle of tidying her… nap slab, or whatever weird name the humans call it.

KANAYA: Oh Dear I Hope Im Not Imposing
ROSE: Of course not. I invited you here, after all. I just thought I’d try to make it a little more presentable
KANAYA: Do You Want Help
ROSE: It’s fine. I’m almost done, anyway.

Huh.

KANAYA: What But
KANAYA: Its So Dry
KANAYA: You Sleep On This
ROSE: Er. Yes.
ROSE: Is it not to your liking?
KANAYA: Its Fine For Sitting I Guess
KANAYA: Do You Really Just
KANAYA: Lie Down On It And Go To Sleep
ROSE: Pretty much?
KANAYA: And You Dont Have Daymares All The Time Or Anything
ROSE: Occasionally we have bad dreams. Mostly we have good ones, or strange ones, or we don’t remember them at all.
ROSE: At least, that was always the implication I got. I don’t think I remember any of my dreams before the game.
KANAYA: Thats So Weird
ROSE: I always assumed it was a game-related phenomenon, on account of my dream self being asleep.
KANAYA: No I Just Meant The Fact That You Sleep Like That
ROSE: Oh, of course.
ROSE: I’m not sure sleeping in a cocoon filled with soporific slime is quite normal either.
KANAYA: Oh No Its Very Normal
KANAYA: Youre Definitely The Weird One
ROSE: I suppose that settles it, then.
ROSE: Do sit down. I have the movie ready to go.

How close is the right amount of closeness that means you aren’t too close to Rose to make it awkward, but you’re also close enough to share the blankets and see the screen and not make it awkward? You settle on a good half a foot of space between you and occupy your attention with getting out the food and blanket.

KANAYA: I Tried To Go Relatively Healthy
ROSE: By substituting tea instead of soft drink?
KANAYA: Ill Have You Know This Grubloaf Is Wholemealworm
ROSE: Why would you have me know that? I could have lived my life never knowing that.
ROSE: I'm sorry, that was rude of me.
ROSE: It’s all lovely.
KANAYA: Thank You
ROSE: ...
KANAYA:
ROSE: ...
KANAYA:
ROSE: I’ll get the movie started.
KANAYA: Yes Do That
ROSE: ...
KANAYA:
KANAYA: Wait What Is That Lamp Doing
ROSE: Kanaya.
ROSE: Are you telling me you didn’t have animation on Alternia?

*

It’s a pretty good movie, when all’s said and done. Okay, it takes a bit for you to get used to most of the cultural baselines (why can the cheese critters speak? What’s Paris? Can humans really be controlled by pulling on different parts of their hair?). But it does interest you. The way it’s presented is familiar, in that you can see the same lines of hierarchy and class that you thought were exclusively Alternian. It’s almost too easy to see it in troll terms – the teeming masses of rust and bronze rats, the midblood chefs ranging from olive to cerulean, the indigo critics, the secret descendant of Gusteau’s lowblooded matesprit, the indigo sous-chef and his teal soldierlicitor. Even the way the rats seem unable to appreciate Remy’s artistic affinity reminds you of Alternia. Sure, there was art, but it always had to be for something. You hardly knew anyone else who really cared about aesthetics for the sake of aesthetics, barring maybe Feferi and Eridan, but they were seadwellers – it was expected of them, a way to show their status, not an expression of them. You want to talk to Rose about this, tell her how in some odd, alien way, this movie means something to you. It’s almost finished anyway, and –

Oh.

She’s leaning against your shoulder, must have gravitated there at some point when you were caught up in the movie without you even noticing. You try to check to see if she’s fallen asleep. She isn’t, and when she feels you moving she tries to get up, but you pull her back down against you.

KANAYA: Its Okay
ROSE: Sorry.
ROSE: I’m just… so, so tired.
KANAYA: I Know
KANAYA: Shhhh
ROSE: Mmm.

You stay like that for a while, even after the movie ends, just sitting against each other. Not moving, but not talking either. It means something to you, to be able to sit in silence with her like this. You're not even sure what it means; only that it feels important.

Is it important to her, too?

It's much more pleasant lying on the bed than you gave it credit for. You almost think you could fall asleep here, if you really wanted, especially now that you'd just be going to a dreambubble rather than inviting daymares. The blankets are soft and warm, like lying in the sand at midday after a long morning of gardening. Her skin is soft too where it touches yours, a little warmer than your own. Her hair is thinner, silky, and so, so pale. It doesn't scratch your neck and your jaw so much as gently tickles them. You wonder if she's thinking the same things as you right now, wondering at your claws and the shape of your wrists and your elbows, the way your arm muscles are maybe equivalent to hers, but arranged ever so slightly differently. You look at the flat half-moon of her claws, black nail polish applied and reapplied on top of itself, chipped and chewed to reveal a strange natural translucency.

It's been a long day, a long week. A long couple perigees, honestly – you feel like you haven't really rested since you entered the game. You want to ask her what happened with Dave. You know she needs to talk about it, even if she's too tired at the moment. The problem is, if you ask her, you're afraid she'll tell you. She'll tell you what's wrong, and you'll comfort her, and then you'll tell her what's wrong, and maybe she'll comfort you – that isn't what you want.

Is it?

The thing is, you don't know if you can keep doing it. Helping people. Meddling. You used to be known for it, and you still are, but it doesn't help you. It never did. It's so tiring, caring about people. It takes a lot out of a girl. That's not you, not anymore. Or maybe it is, but you don't wait it to be. You're not sure you'll still be yourself on the other side of it, if you don't stop soon.

ROSE: A penny for your thoughts?
KANAYA: Sorry
KANAYA: What
ROSE: What's wrong? You seem distracted.
KANAYA: Oh
ROSE: I know you might not want to talk about whatever happened in the meeting today, but I want you to know that if you do, I'm here.
ROSE: For you.
KANAYA: I See
ROSE: Forgive me. I know saying that would have implications on Alternia, but I need you to know that I care about you. Without expectations.
ROSE: It's very human of me, I'm afraid.
ROSE: I see you helping everyone else, but no one helping you. I know I don't know everything about you. Maybe you already have someone to whom you can take your troubles.
ROSE: I don't mean to presume, I promise.
ROSE: But I –
ROSE: You're my friend. If you ever need a listening ear, or if you want to do this distracting-ourselves-but-not-talking-about-it thing again, I'll be here.
ROSE: I'm sorry if this is awkward, but it's how humans care for each other. It's how I care.
ROSE: I care about you, Kanaya. I'm afraid you're unhappy, and I really –
ROSE: I can't bear it.
KANAYA: Oh Rose
ROSE: I'm sorry. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but sincerity isn't my strong suit.
KANAYA: Well You Dont Do It Often Its True
KANAYA: But I Think Youre Doing A Pretty Good Job
ROSE: Thank you.
KANAYA: But Rose
KANAYA: Youre Crying
ROSE: Oh, so I am.
ROSE: Is it strange that I hadn't even noticed?
KANAYA: A Little Yeah
ROSE: Oh, now look who's talking.
KANAYA: Hey Ill Have You Know Im Fully Aware Of These Tears
KANAYA: No Bodily Functions Can Escape My Keen And Watchful Eye
ROSE: Except for the tears?
KANAYA: Pardon
ROSE: The tears are escaping your eyes.
ROSE: No need to feel ashamed. It's kind of what they do.
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Pffffff
ROSE: Hehehehe.
KANAYA: Hahahahahahaha
ROSE: Ahahahahahahahaha.
KANAYA: Youre A Good Friend Rose
KANAYA: I Appreciate You
ROSE: I appreciate you too.
ROSE: Shall we go find some dinner?
KANAYA: Excellent Idea
KANAYA: Lead The Way

Chapter Text

ROSE: I don’t know why I’m talking to you about this, but you’re probably his closest friend on this meteor.
ROSE: At least, I know he spends a lot of time with you, and I think he probably feels more comfortable talking to you than anyone else here.
ROSE: I know there’s probably not much you can do, but could you tell him I’m sorry, and I want to speak to him?
ROSE: I have only Dave’s best interests at heart. I thought that meant confronting him, but not if it’s going to drive him away.
ROSE: Can you help me?
WV?: ...

Ugh. You should have known this was an exercise in futility. Still.

ROSE: Thanks anyway, I suppose.
ROSE: I’d better get going before he catches me in his domain. I don’t want to offend him any more than I already have.
ROSE: Until next time, Mr. Mayor.

It’s been four days since Dave started avoiding you, and you’re beginning to think that this might not be something you can fix as easily as you broke it.

You’re only trying to help.

You wander out of Can Town and find yourself heading towards the alchemy lab. You think you catch a flash of red out of the corner of your eye, but it’s gone by the time you turn around. Goddamn Striders and their goddamn flashstepping. It’s all fun and games until you actually want to talk to someone! Nrub’yiglith give you strength. You’re not even sure what you’re trying to make, so you just go through codes methodically starting at 00000000. Maybe if you can find the apple juice code, he’ll forgive you.

Wow, you probably should have done this at the holopad alchemiter. This is kind of a waste of resources, and you’re just going to end up with a huge pile of useless stuff. Oh well, too late now. You can always just make a fuckton of captchalogue cards. Or throw it off the back of the meteor – maybe it’ll hit Jack in his furry evil face.

Perfectly Generic Object. Spherical Generic Object. Toothbrush. Pyramid-shaped Generic Object. Low-fat long life dairy product. Postcard of an island seen from above, addressed to your mother and dated 1995. Packet of Jaffas. Old, dirty-looking silver earring. Hand towel. Broken clay sculpture of Jaspers you made when you were seven. Business card for “Jake Harley: World-renowned explorer, naturalist, treasure hunter, archaeologist, scientist, adventurer, big game hunter, and billionaire”. Packet of coloured Alternian chalk with no red. 10-kilo sack of bird feed. Cylindrical Generic Object. Open can of baked beans, empty but for dregs of sauce. Three hundred and fourteen worthless Earth euros. Origami flower. Ughhhhhhhh. When did being able to make objects appear out of thin air become boring? You note down the codes for every item, just in case. Maybe you can transcribe them into some kind of searchable index.

The thing is, when you think of your mother, you think of her dead body. You think of how Jaspers got a funeral, but she didn’t. Maybe you were right all along, maybe every loving gesture was made out of cruel irony. Maybe they weren’t. It hurts, so badly, to think that you might have been wrong. To not have realised until now. Isn’t it cut-and-dry for Dave, though? Does he not realise?

If he doesn’t realise, and he won’t let you tell him, how can you help him?

You just want to be friends again.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Please, Dave. I just want to be friends again.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] did not receive message! --

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

*

It’s snowing. Your mother has already walked back up to the house to warm herself with a drink, or maybe she’s just not here because it’s a dream bubble? You've never seen her in one, but you've seen the trolls' lusii, so who knows. You wander out of the mausoleum and stand by the waterfall, vaguely aware that it’s cold but not actually feeling cold. Dreams are weird. You can see a few trolls in the distance where the trees turn from snowy firs to blue-green Alternian ones, but you don’t go up to them. No telling which ones are pleasant company, and which are an annoyance slash possible threat. You wander down the river toward the beach instead, lie down on icy rocks. Maybe a passing wave will swallow you up. Then, what? You’ll be awake again, and have to go back to moping and pestering Dave.

The rocks turn flat and warm here, and you don’t remember this. The sun’s come out. On the edge of what you’re beginning to realise is no longer a cliff, but a roof, there’s a figure – a human figure, dressed in red.

DAVE: oh FUCK no
ROSE: Dave!
DAVE: get out of my bubble gdi
DAVE: cant a guy get some semblance of personal space around here

The possibility flashes through your mind that this could be a doomed version of him, but – no. You know, somehow, that it’s not. It’s him.

And he’s getting away.

You fly after him, through the summer sun of his home and the verdant green spring of yours, over the islands of LOLAR and dangerously close to the spinning gears of LOHAC. You finally catch up to him and snag his cape above the moon of Derse, which you suppose has some kind of poetic symbolism to it, although you're a bit too out of breath to really dwell on it.

ROSE: I have to talk to you.
DAVE: too bad do it while you lie awake at night like everyone else
ROSE: Dave, it’s the middle of the night and we’re both in a hilariously shoehorned state that is both sleeping and waking.
ROSE: If we talk now, it’ll be exactly what you just said.
DAVE: do i look like i care
ROSE: Do it for the ironies?
DAVE: ...
DAVE: goddamn it i have to do it for the ironies dont i
DAVE: fuck you
ROSE: Can’t, we’re siblings.
DAVE: ok it was your mind that went there
DAVE: not mine
DAVE: shoes on the other foot now
DAVE: how does it feel to be wearing my shoes
DAVE: i know theyre hard shoes to fill but youre giving it a go anyway
DAVE: six point nine of ten and a gold star for trying
ROSE: Six point nine out of ten? Better take your shoes back, I’m afraid.
DAVE: gross theyve got girl cooties now
ROSE: I’m afraid so. You’ll have to burn them.
DAVE: worth it
DAVE: so
ROSE: So.
ROSE: I’m sorry.
ROSE: I don’t know anything about your life except what you’ve told me, and what you told me gave a certain impression.
ROSE: But I also got a similar impression from my own mother, and probably gave it off in my conversations with you.
ROSE: And I’ve been realising lately that I don’t know if I was right about that or not.
ROSE: If I can’t figure out my own life, I can hardly presume to know yours.
DAVE: too right you cant
DAVE: you know its funny cause i actually started that conversation with a question for you
DAVE: never got to ask it
ROSE: It wasn’t the one about my not having medical supplies?
DAVE: nah
DAVE: i mean it was related
DAVE: ill ask it but we have to make a pact that it doesnt end in another bout of ignoring each other
DAVE: terezis a total sad sack lately ive been hanging out with KARKAT
DAVE: who the fuck am i rose
DAVE: what have i become
ROSE: A socially functioning individual?
DAVE: a socially functioning individual who willingly hangs out with sir shout sphincter?
ROSE: Point taken.
ROSE: You can ask me, Dave.
ROSE: After all, I didn’t initiate the radio silence.
DAVE: okay but youre the one getting spanish inquisitioned this time
DAVE: i know its unexpected but thats just how it is with the spanish inquisition
DAVE: seriously lets still be friends ok
ROSE: Okay.
DAVE: are you off your meds
ROSE: Oh.
DAVE: ill take that as a yes
DAVE: so is that since the start of the game or the start of the trip
ROSE: Are you asking me if my going off the rails during the game was caused by withdrawal?
DAVE: well
DAVE: yeah
ROSE: It wasn’t. It was caused by anger and frustration and grief.
ROSE: It was only after my waking self was killed that I no longer had them on my person. There were probably some in my dream room, I suppose, but I didn’t bother bringing them with me on a suicide mission.
DAVE: are you
DAVE: uh
DAVE: okay
ROSE: It’s been nearly four weeks. The withdrawal period is just about over.
ROSE: No disasters.
DAVE: you didnt try to like
DAVE: alchemise them
ROSE: I didn’t.
ROSE: I’d honestly have no clue how to even start making something like that.
DAVE: i made this camera that prints ghost images of stuff that you can use to alchemise them
DAVE: we could go to your dream house or whatever and snap a pic
ROSE: Thanks for offering, but…
ROSE: Dream bubbles operate on memory. I don’t remember them in anywhere near the level of detail that would make me feel comfortable doing that.
ROSE: I’d much rather be the way I was before them than risk getting it wrong. Even if that means worse anxiety attacks that happen more often.
ROSE: Better the devil one knows, as they say.
DAVE: guess so
DAVE: but like
DAVE: is it really ok
DAVE: youve been on that shit as long as ive known you right
DAVE: what was it like before that
ROSE: It wasn’t pleasant.
ROSE: But it wasn’t perfect afterwards, either.
ROSE: For a long time when I was younger, I thought there wasn’t even any point to my going on them.
ROSE: Just another in a long line of highly ironic motherly actions, designed to go through the motions of saving her poor fragile daughter from her own paranoid and egotistical mind.
ROSE: After taking myself off them a few times, a few close calls during withdrawal and a few horrible panic attacks while I was off them, I let go of the idea that they were another game of make-believe.
ROSE: I don’t know if she put me on them because she cared, or because she wanted to make a show of caring, but they did help somewhat.
ROSE: It’s always a spectrum, and there are always ups and downs, even if they’re less pronounced.
ROSE: At least where I am now, I’m much more supervised than I ever was at home.
ROSE: Look after me, yeah?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i can do that
ROSE: Okay.
DAVE: okay
ROSE: ...
DAVE: maybe okay can be our alw –
ROSE: No.
DAVE: yeah fair enough
DAVE: hey im gonna go find a dead nepeta to hang out with shes fun
DAVE: wanna come with
ROSE: If you insist.
DAVE: i do

*

DAVE: okay so what im seeing is we have an overflowing ill beats section and a chock full esoteric wizardfic section and nothing else
DAVE: do you see the problem here
ROSE: Not really?
DAVE: its true this is the best ironically terrible library ive ever seen
DAVE: but i think the mayor wants like a non ironic non terrible one
DAVE: and he is the mayor so im inclined to do what he wants
ROSE: Hm.
ROSE: Have we considered taking actual books and scaling them down with an alchemiter?
DAVE: boooooo
DAVE: god its like you have no sense of craftsmanship
DAVE: we will make tiny books and struggle to make our handwriting fit a single word per page or we will die trying
ROSE: The most heroic way there is to fall.
DAVE: exactly
DAVE: maybe we can just get everyone to add books with their interests
DAVE: then itll be at least a decent range of genres if not the standard ones
DAVE: which is actually probably the best possible outcome here
DAVE: whatll that be
DAVE: sick fires and scholarly prose obviously
DAVE: maybe me and terezi can collab on some mini comics
DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: what if we scale down a bunch of alternian legal textbooks
DAVE: lmao yes we have to
ROSE: I thought we wanted only bespoke hand-crafted literature?
DAVE: nah see thats good for everything else
DAVE: but then we just have actual tiny law books
DAVE: how awesome is that
ROSE: Judging by the way your voice is hovering just outside the edges of monotonous, I’ll take a guess and say incredibly awesome.
DAVE: yep got it in one
DAVE: and then what
DAVE: we can get kanaya to make some little young adult vampire romance novels
DAVE: omg and i bet shed make little picture books for the baby cans
DAVE: yes childrens section here we go
DAVE: and then we can get spidergirl to make like
DAVE: pirate adventure books and troll dnd manuals
DAVE: karkat can make some troll bodice rippers or whatever he reads
DAVE: oh my god and a tiny foursquare romance manual for all the little cans having their sexual awakenings
DAVE: what can we get from the clown
DAVE: murderwhimsy bible?
DAVE: the sacred texts of the miraculous messiahs?
DAVE: eugh maybe we should leave him out hed probably write them in corpse blood
ROSE: Yes, he might not be a great example for the general public of Can Town.
DAVE: oh hey

You look up from where you’re sitting by the Can Town library and follow Dave’s pointing hand to where a nubby-horned troll is peeking cautiously in through the doorway.

DAVE: cranky cat!
ROSE: Hello, Karkat.
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.
KARKAT: LALONDE, HAVE YOU SEEN KANAYA AROUND?
ROSE: Not today, I’m afraid. This one is monopolising my attention.
DAVE: hey youre the one who went into withdrawal so bad you started making your own freudian slips
ROSE: I thought we weren’t talking about that.
DAVE: we werent but cmon i never get to make fun of you
ROSE: Yes, you do. All the time.
DAVE: true but not about this
KARKAT: RIGHT. I’LL BE ON MY WAY, THEN.
DAVE: what nooooo
DAVE: stay with us karkar
DAVE: the library needs a shitty romance section
KARKAT: SO THE WAY YOU’RE CONVINCING ME TO HANG OUT WITH YOU IS BY MAKING FUN OF MY INTERESTS?
KARKAT: SMOOTH, STRIDER.
ROSE: (What happened to needing to be saved from an excess of quality Karkat time?)
DAVE: (shut the fuck up okay i was being dramatic)
DAVE: (hes funny)
DAVE: (and youre being rude)
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU WHISPERING ABOUT?
DAVE: and hes back!!
ROSE: (Why are you expressing emotion in your voice?)
ROSE: (It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.)
DAVE: cmon dude help us make tiny library books
DAVE: my hand is cramping i need someone to take over
KARKAT: UGH, FINE.
KARKAT: BUT ONLY BECAUSE I CAN’T FIND KANAYA AND I NEED SOME QUALITY TIME WITH AT LEAST ONE OF MY THREE FAVOURITE PEOPLE ON THIS ROCK.
DAVE: who me
DAVE: aw shucks man
KARKAT: NO, NOT YOU, YOU DOUCHECANOE. THE MAYOR.
DAVE: you know what im not even offended
DAVE: thats just so incredibly valid and relatable

It’s fascinating, honestly, watching the push and pull of the two of them. When did they become friends, and why weren’t you there to see it?

You know why you weren’t there to see it. You’re trying not to think about it. If you think about it, you’ll want to talk to Dave about it, and you’ll fuck everything up again. It’s a vicious cycle.

The two of them seem to be locked in some kind of mayor-complimenting festival now, and they don’t even notice when you slip away to where the chess guy himself is sitting in a corner a little ways away from the rest of you.

He’s looking at a picture, drawn in marker on a piece of paper rather than in chalk on the wall like most of his art, but it’s unmistakably his style. Four carapacians, two black, two white, sitting around a campfire. It’s old, creased and stained. There are even spatters of blood on one of the corners – he must have been keeping it in his rags since before he arrived on the meteor. He looks up when he notices you looking over his shoulder, folds it back up and tucks it away. He points to Dave and Karkat, and then looks at you questioningly.

ROSE: We’re friends again.
ROSE: Thank you.
ROSE: Even if you didn’t talk him into listening, you did listen to me.
ROSE: You’re a good one, Mr. Mayor.
WV?: :)

Chapter Text

Three months into your journey, you haven’t gotten any closer to ascertaining whether Rose has feelings for you. Or, okay, you know she has to feel some kind of something towards you, but – what? It’s pretty hard to parse where the line is with humans, because as far as you can tell, there just… isn’t one. Dave’s absolutely no help, Karkat’s still convinced the humans operate on an entirely different emotional level (at least, he tells you so, often, especially when you bring up John or Jade), and you can’t exactly ask Rose for advice. Other options? Your ex-moirail, her probable future-moirail, whatever dead versions of your friends you find in a dream bubble, and a clown who manages to rank below all of the above in terms of people you want to talk to about anything, ever.

After an extended period of why-we-don’t-have-strategy-meetings-anymore being fresh in everyone’s minds, Vriska’s selective long-term memory has finally kicked in. Either blissfully or willfully ignorant of the fact that she was arguably the catalyst for your last one going off the rails, a meeting has been called, snacks prepared, troops assembled, and war room lavishly (and garishly) decorated. You’re not sure exactly whose decorating skills you’d be insulting if you said you honestly have no idea whether Vriska or Terezi was in charge of preparing the room, but it’s definitely at least one of them, so you keep your chagrin tunnel firmly closed in the interests of intra-meteoric harmony.

DAVE: aw man do we have to do this with the mayor and his little militia here
DAVE: i cant believe this
DAVE: im never gonna be able to look him in the eye again we inevitably break down into rows and hurt feelings and gentle teasing turned hardcore bullying like six year olds having a sandpit fight
DAVE: all getting that shit in each others eyes
DAVE: its all fun and games until everyones crying
KANAYA: And That Is The Historically Proven Outcome Of All Our Strategy Meetings Thus Far
KANAYA: Its Like Old Times Really
KANAYA: Were All In A Memo But Its Real Life
KANAYA: And We Are All The Different Versions Of Karkat
KANAYA: So Instead Of Watching The Hilarity And Secondhand Embarrassment From A Distance We Are All Part Of It And Cannot Escape
KANAYA: Just One Big Clusterpail Of Emotional Damage And Firsthand Embarrassment
KARKAT: I TAKE OFFENSE.
TEREZI: SURPR1S3 SURPR1S3
ROSE: Look, I understand that we’ve had… issues, with past meetings.
ROSE: But unless we actually collate our information, figure out what we know, what we need to know, what we can find out now and what we’ll just have to wait and see about, what we can do now and what’s out of our hands – we simply won’t stand a chance.
ROSE: Like the now extinct Earth species once known as the Boy Scouts, we have to be prepared.
VRISKA: Oh please. Like we don’t know what your human 8oy scouts are. We had them on Alternia, too, you know!
TEREZI: >:?
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A BOY SCOUT?
KANAYA: Vriska Is This Some Weird Highblood Thing
KARKAT: OH GOD, IT IS, ISN’T IT.
DAVE: whats a boy scout
VRISKA: What.
ROSE: What.
ROSE: Dave, you DO know what a scout is… don’t you?
DAVE: nup no clue
DAVE: scouts honour
ROSE: ...
KANAYA: Oh I Get It
KANAYA: Hes Making One Of His Ironic Jokes
ROSE: Yes, thank you, Kanaya.
DAVE: lmao your face rose
TEREZI: VR1SK4 OH H1GHBLOOD S4V1OUR OF TH3 R4C3
TEREZI: PL34S3 3NL1GHT3N US
TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH1S “BOY SCOUT” OF WH1CH TH3 4L13NS SP34K?
VRISKA: It’s just the proper w8y to s8y wilderness survival preparedness infantry apprentice.
KARKAT: OH.
TEREZI: DUH! >:P
KANAYA: Right Of Course Silly Me
KANAYA: That Wasnt Actually Sarcasm By The Way Even Though It Might Have Sounded Like It
VRISKA: Geeeeeeeez, would you idiots 8e a8le to get anything done without me?
VRISKA: Ahahahahahahaha!
VRISKA: Never mind. I just remem8ered we already know the answer to that, and it’s a hard NO! You’d just all get yourselves killed and use time travel to 8ring me 8ack to 8ail you out again.
TEREZI: >:[
TEREZI: 4S 1 R3C4LL 1T YOU W3R3 1N F4CT 4LSO B41L3D OUT OF 4 ST1CKY S1TU4T1ON YOURS3LF
TEREZI: P3RH4PS TH3 R34L S4V1OUR OF TH3 N3W T1M3L1N3 1S FUTUR3 JOHN
VRISKA: Oh, of course. I had nothing to do with John 8ecoming the hero, nay, the GOD that he is tod8y........
VRISKA: W8! I almost forgot. That was me too!
VRISKA: What would you all do without me?
KARKAT: MAYBE HAVE SEMI-PRODUCTIVE MEET–
DAVE: seriously why is the mayor here
DAVE: hes gonna be so upset when we start fighting and everyone storms off in a huff
DAVE: how could you do this to the best person in paradox space terezi
TEREZI: WHO 3LS3 1S GO1NG TO 1NFORM TH3 C1T1Z3NS OF C4N TOWN 4S TO WH4T OUR B4TTL3 PL4NS 4R3?
DAVE: oh come on like i wouldnt handle the role of ambassador with fuckin panache
VRISKA: For those in the room not 8lessed with either genius or average-level intellect, he's insurance.
VRISKA: You said it yourself! It would hurt his feelings if we fight.
VRISKA: So, no fighting on account of your weird incomprehensi8le attachment to the chess guy.
VRISKA: Capiche?
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK? NOT CAPICHE!
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T HOLD A PERSON'S FEELINGS HOSTAGE, YOU PSYCHO.
DAVE: (dude shut UP)
KARKAT: DAVE, I DON'T CARE IF ME YELLING AT VRISKA IS GOING TO UPSET THE MAYOR.
KARKAT: IF NO ONE STOPS HER, SHE CAN JUST DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS, BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE'S FEELINGS, NOT EVEN HIS!
DAVE: (dude stop)
KARKAT: FUCK, YOU’RE RIGHT, WHAT AM I SAYING? I’M SO SORRY, MAYOR, I CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS SO MUCH.
KARKAT: BUT STILL.
VRISKA: Exc8se me? I care a8out people plenty! I C8RE that if we don't actually str8egise, everyone on this meteor and pro8a8ly everyone else in at least three universes is going to DIE!!!!!!!!
WV?: *bang bang bang*
TEREZI: ORD3R 1N TH3 W4R ROOM!
TEREZI: TH3 COMM1TT33 H34RS YOUR CONC3RNS, T34M CH3RRY
KARKAT: TEAM WHAT??
TEREZI: 1 S41D WH4T 1 S41D, R4SPB3RRY R1OT
TEREZI: TH1S 1S WHY TH3 M4YOR 4ND 1 H4V3 SP34RH34D3D 4 COMM1TT33 FOR TH3 PROT3CT1ON OF PUBL1C ORD3R!
TEREZI: 1F 4NYON3 M1SB3H4V3S, TH3 M4YOR W1LL B4NG H1S T1NY 4DOR4BL3 G4V3L
TEREZI: 1F TH3Y DON’T C4LM DOWN, TH3Y W1LL L34V3 UNT1L TH3Y 4R3 R34DY TO R3TURN C4LMLY 4ND P34C34BLY
ROSE: Won’t we just all end up having been forced to leave, and nothing will end up getting done?
TEREZI: H4NDS UP WHO 1S OK4Y W1TH D1S4PPO1NTING TH3 M4YOR
DAVE:
KARKAT:
KANAYA:
ROSE:
VRISKA: ........
VRISKA: What????????
VRISKA: Who cares if your weird pet chess guy gets upset?
VRISKA: He’s not even an actual mem8er of the team!
KANAYA: Excuse You
DAVE: oh my god rose hold me back
ROSE: Dave, it’s okay, she’s just trying to rile you up.
KARKAT: STOP HOLDING ME BACK!
WV?: *bang bang bang*
TEREZI: ORD3R 1N THE W4R ROOM!
TEREZI: 4S 1 PR3D1CT3D, TH3 VOT3 PROV3S TH4T TH3 ONLY P3RSON WHO WOULD R3S1ST TH3 COMM1TT33’S RUL1NGS 1S VR1KS4
KARKAT: SO WHAT, SHE JUST GETS TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS AND WE CAN’T EVEN GET MAD?
KARKAT: THAT’S COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULLSHIT, EVEN FOR QUEEN TEREZI OF THE KINGDOM OF BULLSHITTIA.
TEREZI: 1 W4SN’T DON3 >:[
TEREZI: 1F VR1SK4 4TT3MPTS TO R3S1ST TH3 COMM1TT33’S RUL1NG, SH3 W1LL UPS3T TH3 M4YOR 4ND 3V3RYON3 3LS3 1N TH3 ROOM
TEREZI: 1NCLUD1NG?
TEREZI: L4DY L4V3ND3R, DO YOU W4NT TO TRY 4ND GU3SS TH3 4NSW3R TO TH1S ON3?
ROSE: It would also upset… you?
TEREZI: D1NG D1NG D1NG!
TEREZI: W3 H4V3 4 W1NN3R
TEREZI: SHOW OF H4NDS FROM TH3 VR1SK4S 1N TH3 4UD13NC3
TEREZI: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO B3 M4D 4T YOU
TEREZI: 4G41N?
VRISKA: ::::(
VRISKA: No.
TEREZI: V3RY W3LL TH3N, 4R3 W3 S3TTL3D?
ROSE: I think so.
KANAYA: If You Think You Can Keep This From Escalating I Guess I Believe You Terezi
KANAYA: And You As Well Of Course Mr The Mayor
DAVE: fine
KARKAT: WHATEVER.
TEREZI: 1N TH4T C4S3, 1’LL H4ND TH3 CONCH OV3R TO OUR CH1EF 1NT3L OFF1C3R.
TEREZI: ROS3?

Despite a decidedly shaky start, Terezi’s new tactic seems to be doing the job – the second things start to get a little too heated, either she or the mayor make baby barkbeast eyes at the parties involved until they calm down. It’s not been without its incidents (namely, Karkat stomping off three or four times before meekly making his way back in a few minutes later), but for the most part the battles are being called off or at least postponed until a more optimal date.

Terezi and Karkat are both taking notes as Rose talks – it’s hard to tell whose are more slapdash, between Karkat missing a lot of information during his hissy fits and Terezi getting distracted every few minutes as Vriska or Dave whispers something to her. Vriska herself is paying attention mostly to make sure everyone knows she was the one to uncover this bit of information, so-and-so tactic was her idea, and to make scathing remarks about Rose’s nerdiness. You’re not sure what exactly Dave’s doing in his notebook, but it definitely isn’t even in the vicinity of pretending to pay attention and take notes. From time to time he’ll whisper some joke in Terezi’s ear, or exchange a fistbump with the mayor, or pass some note for Karkat to either assiduously ignore, or read, tear up, and glare at Dave over the remains of until he remembers to pay attention. Rose – it’s hard for you to focus on the words, so much of it is obscure game mechanics and intricate hypothetical fraymotifs and art-of-war philosophical nuggets, all far beyond your level of understanding. You brought a sketchbook rather than a notebook, because you carry one everywhere in case of inspiration, and anyway you aren’t even sure you own a lined notebook. You haven’t taken any notes, or even gotten it out to doodle in – you spend just about the entire time half-listening, staring at Rose or helping the Committee for the Protection of Public Order mediate the little spats that break out.

Rose is beautiful when she speaks, as she always is – ethereal in the delicacy and softness of her features, the pale hue of her eyes, but taut and disciplined in her body and words as a Fleet Admiral. You picture it – her docking on a space station after a battle, weary and triumphant. You running into her arms, kissing her, holding her. The embrace of the lovers who know they’re impermanent, the tangled sleep of friends who know each other like themselves, who miss each other when they’re apart like they would their own hearts. It’s a silly dream – even if the Empire still existed, a jade and a highblood would be the picture of forbidden love from one of the books you read when you were younger. Okay, you still read them, but you understand now better than you did back then just how forbidden it really would be. There wouldn’t really be happiness and safety, no release of tension at the reunion – every second a couple like that spent thinking about each other, let alone time together, was only inviting the full weight of the Empress’ wrath down on themselves and their moir – their matesprit. You want Rose to be your matesprit, maybe, and without any of the restrictions you would have had back in the old universe. You want to be with her, and to be free, at the same time. To be swept up in the hurricane that is Rose Lalonde, without having to fear any consequence but that she might one day break your heart.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

TG: for the love of god please stop making doe eyes at rose
TG: we get it already youre gay
TG: im going to be physically ill thats my sister youre looking at like you want to fucking
TG: have sloppy troll human makeouts with
TG: move in with her and let all your stuff just migrate together until youre wearing each others undies and not even noticing because youre troll married now and you share everything you own
TG: please kanaya i dont care if you get married and have interspecies sex on my kitchen table promise me youll never wear each others undies
TG: okay dont let rose know i said you could have sex on my kitchen table i dont even want to know what she thinks that says about my psyche i can name like 4 different fucked up implications of it just off the top of my head
GA: Surprisingly I Wasnt Planning On Ever Telling Rose Any Part Of This Tirade Youve Just Sent Me
GA: Save Perhaps As Part Of Our Wedding Speech I Think It Would Probably Go Down Pretty Well Dont You
TG: part of your fucking what
GA: Oh My Goodness Forget I Said That Please
GA: Karkat Found An Earth Romcom Titled 27 Dresses And Insisted I Watch It With Him To Expand Our Cultural Horizons
GA: So Your Earth Weddings Have Been On My Mind The Past Few Days
GA: Not That That Has To Do With Rose I Wouldnt Be Marrying Her Haha
GA: I Mean Unless She Wanted To
GA: You Know If We Were Ever In A Human Romantic Relationship And Wished To Formalise It In Such A Way
GA: So Random Haha But Say That That Happened One Day Then In That Circumstance If She Asked Me To Marry Her I Guess I Wouldnt Say No
GA: Not That She Would But You Know If She Did
GA: Ive Never Really Considered Myself In Relation To Rose In Relation To Human Marriage But Since You Brought It Up In That Sense I Decided To Play Off Of Your Joke
GA: Yes Thats It I Was Joking
TG: holy shit
TG: i cant believe this kanaya
TG: youve been hiding some top shelf rambles from me the mayor of ramblerap city
TG: why would you try to keep your double life secret from me the one person who would truly understand
GA: Uh
GA: Oh I Hear Rose Telling Us To Pay Attention This Must Be A Vital Piece Of Information That Is Now Being Revealed Wed Better Stop Conversing At Once
TG: uh huh
TG: i believe you

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

ROSE: As we travel deeper into the Furthest Ring, dream bubble encounters are going to become a lot more frequent.
ROSE: Instead of spending dreams in them and only rarely physically encountering a bubble, we’ll pass through them relatively frequently. We might even end up in clusters that take days or weeks to travel through.
ROSE: I think we should initiate a 24/7 lookout system so that we can be prepared for any incoming bubbles.
VRISKA: Why? It’s not like they’re d8ngerous or anything.
DAVE: no ill second roses motion
DAVE: some of us would like a little bit of a heads up before we get flopped into some dead persons memories
KARKAT: OR OUR OWN.
ROSE: Exactly. I was thinking shifts of maybe four hours – that would mean each person takes one shift a day, so our circadian rhythms aren’t thrown off by having to change our sleep schedules several times a week.
KANAYA: Wait But What If There Is A Meeting Or A Movie Night Or Some Other Activity That Requires The Presence Of The Whole Crew
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT L1K3 BUBBL3S 4R3 GO1NG TO JUST POP UP OUT OF TH3 BLU3
TEREZI: 1F N3C3SS4RY, TH3 LOOKOUT C4N JUST CH3CK 3V3RY H4LF HOUR OR SO
TEREZI: TH3 1MPORT4NT P4RT 1S TH4T 4T 4NY G1V3N T1M3, TH3R3’S 4 P3RSON WHO’S 4W4RE OF WH4T’S GO1NG ON OUTS1DE 4ND K33P1NG ON3 3Y3 OP3N
TEREZI: SO TO SP34K >;]
VRISKA: You realise I have all my eyes 8ack now, right? One-eye jokes are kind of irrelevant now.
TEREZI: YOU’R3 NO FUN
ROSE: It’s true, it’s not, strictly speaking, “crucial” that we have someone manning the roof at all times.
ROSE: It’s not even technically necessary we keep tabs on it at all.
ROSE: But I want to emphasise that being prepared for dream bubble encounters is in all of our best interests. Not even to mention the fact that there could be as yet unforeseen dangers posed by the bubbles or the characters therein, I think most of us would feel a lot better if we knew what to expect at any given point in time.
ROSE: That’s why I’m saying that even if there’s some activity keeping us all metaphorically belowdecks, someone should be keeping reasonably close tabs on our surroundings at all times.
ROSE: And if there isn’t some activity that makes it absolutely necessary everyone be belowdecks at once, then whoever is on shift should absolutely be in position on the roof.
ROSE: It doesn’t matter if you’re actually paying close attention to your surroundings, as long as someone’s up there it’s unlikely we’ll be caught unawares.
ROSE: I hesitate to make light of this, because it’s just the kind of mundane-but-important activity where I can see everyone doing it assiduously for a couple of days until the novelty wears off, and then promptly forgetting about it until neglecting it has serious consequences of some variety.
ROSE: So. If we take human “midnight” and troll “noon” to be zero hundred hours, the shifts should start at 000, 400, 800, 1200, 1600, and 2000 hours.
ROSE: Of course, you’re welcome to hang out with other people during your shifts, so long as you do it on the roof. This doesn’t have to be a solitary activity.
ROSE: However, everyone will be expected to pull their own shift, regardless of how much time they spend on the roof outside of their allocated slots.
ROSE: So, does anyone have a preference for what time they’d like to make their shift?
VRISKA: 8 o’clock!!!!!!!!
ROSE: Colour me shocked and astounded.
KARKAT: NOON.
KARKAT: 000 HOURS, THAT IS.
ROSE: Excellent.
ROSE: Do I have a taker for four A.M.?
DAVE: fuck it those are peak ironic babblery hours theyre mine
KANAYA: I Dont Really Mind But Ill Take Sixteen Hundred Hours If No One Else Wants It
ROSE: Fine by me. Terezi?
TEREZI: 1’LL T4K3 2000 1 GU3SS
ROSE: Leaving me with 12. How efficient.
ROSE: See how nice it is to get things done in good time?
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT’S BEEN FIVE HOURS SINCE THIS MEETING STARTED.
ROSE: And what a productive five hours they were.
VRISKA: Thanks to my excellent mayor idea!
TEREZI: YOU K33P T3LL1NG YOURS3LF TH4T M1NDF4NG
TEREZI: M4YB3 ON3 D4Y YOU’LL S4Y 1T 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG YOU 4CTU4LLY D1D COM3 UP W1TH >:]
VRISKA: Ruuuuuuude. ::::P
DAVE: oh thank god its over
DAVE: im out
TEREZI: D4V3
TEREZI: W3R3 YOU 4SL33P? >:/
DAVE: i plead the fifth
DAVE: haha jk i wasnt but i was bored as all get out
DAVE: laters
DAVE: hey mayor wanna tell the good folks of can town what weve discussed today?
WV?: :D
TEREZI: OFF YOU GO, CH4MP
TEREZI: T4K3 C4R3 OF H1M D4V3!
DAVE: oh you know it girl
DAVE: cmon buddy lets go
DAVE: do you want a piggyback

One by one everyone begins to file out of the room, leaving you to shake awake several limbs that had fallen asleep and Rose to slowly pack up the mounds of books and papers she’s been referencing.

KANAYA: I Think Its A Pretty Good Idea
KANAYA: Having A Lookout
ROSE: Oh, thank you.
ROSE: I figured we’d get tired pretty quickly of bits of other people’s memories suddenly intruding on our space.
KANAYA: A Warning System Should Make Things A Lot Easier Yes
KANAYA: Youre Very Good At Leading Meetings Rose
ROSE: Am I?
ROSE: It seemed at times like no one was paying attention.
KANAYA: Well I Think At Any Given Point Probably At Least Two People Were
KANAYA: And Its The Most Successful One Weve Had So Far Dont Sell Yourself Short
ROSE: I suppose so.
ROSE: What time is it?
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: A Little Less Than Six Hours Past Midnight
ROSE: Do you fancy an early dinner? It turns out strategising is hungry work.
KANAYA: That Sounds Lovely

You walk to the food storage closet together, not hand in hand, but together all the same.

Chapter Text

ROSE: Are there any canned tomatoes?
KANAYA: No But I Wrote Down The Alchemy Code For Them So We Can Make Some If You Want
ROSE: ...
ROSE: No, I think I can do something with what’s here.
ROSE: Is this fish?
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Thats
KANAYA: Nepeta Brought A Large Supply Of Preserved Fish And Cheese Critters Into What We Believed Would Be Our New Universe
KANAYA: Thats Pickled Anadromous Homing Fish
ROSE: Hmm. What about this?
KANAYA: Oh Thats Canned Oily Forage Fish
KANAYA: You Might Know It As Sardines
KANAYA: Although Dave Tells Me It Tastes A Bit Different To The Earth Version
ROSE: It should do the job.
ROSE: Grubloaf or bread, do you think?
KANAYA: What For
ROSE: Toasting.
KANAYA: The Bread Is Older So We Should Probably Use That
ROSE: Excellent. I’m just going to get some things from the fridge, would you grab some plates and a knife?

*

KANAYA: Okay Your Human Sardines On Toast Is Pretty Good
KANAYA: Do You Know I Never Really Ate Cheese Before The Game
ROSE: Oh?
KANAYA: It Was Quite Expensive On Alternia
KANAYA: Mostly A Highblood Delicacy
ROSE: As with most earth foods, there were cheeses of both high and low quality, with corresponding prices, for us.
ROSE: My household tended to be stocked with brie and camembert, but I will say this:
ROSE: Troll plastic cheese is pretty tasty. I could see myself eating this at a fancy banquet.
KANAYA: What Are You Talking About
KANAYA: Its Not Made Of Plastic Rose
ROSE: Oh, I know. It’s just what my mother used to call processed cheese.
ROSE: I never made sardine toast at home. It was always bruschetta with smoked salmon and cream cheese, even if it was poorly-made and sloppily-consumed enough to not really qualify as bruschetta anymore.
ROSE: Dave taught me how to make this pretty much as soon as he realised how terribly I was lacking in apparently universal life skills, such as how to open a packet of plastic cheese without scissors.
KANAYA: My Lusus Liked Fish
KANAYA: God Knows Why Since Her Entire Lifespan Consisted Of Being Hatched In A Cavern And Then Taking On Me As A Ward And Living In The Desert With Me Where There Was Nary A Fish To Be Found
KANAYA: But I Would Sometimes Order It For Her As A Treat When I Was Feeling Especially Appreciative Of Her
KANAYA: Of Course It Was Never Very Fresh Since It Had To Be Transported A Great Distance To Reach My Hive
KANAYA: Usually It Was In A Form Like This
KANAYA: So
KANAYA: Yeah
ROSE: Kanaya, can I ask you something?
KANAYA: Of Course
ROSE: I was wondering if you would perhaps be interested in a cross-cultural exchange of sorts.
KANAYA: What Exactly Do You Mean By A Cross Cultural Exchange
KANAYA: Arent We Literally Exchanging Cultures Right Now
ROSE: Yes, but this would be an exchange of a more… delicate nature.
KANAYA: What Exactly Do You Mean
ROSE: I want to learn more about Alternian romance.
ROSE: I’ve tried having Karkat explain it to me, but he can be rather…
KANAYA: Close Minded
ROSE: Well, yes.
ROSE: What do you say? Are you up to the task?
KANAYA: I Guess So
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Where Do You Want To Start
ROSE: Wherever you think best, I suppose.
ROSE: I know the basics, I think, but not any detail or your personal thoughts on each quadrant.
ROSE: Or anyone else’s personal thoughts!
ROSE: Apart from Karkat’s, I know his, but. Like I said, I think his thoughts might be unique to him.
ROSE: He’s certainly put a lot more thought into your romance system than I expect most Alternians did, so he’s an expert, but he’s also kind of an expert on specifically his own opinions of it, if you know what I mean.
KANAYA: I Do
ROSE: So yeah. We can go over it academically, or I guess through cultural immersion through fiction, or by your own anecdotal evidence of what you’ve witnessed and absorbed from your culture.
ROSE: Just whatever you want to do.
KANAYA: Do You Want To Do This Now
ROSE: Oh, whenever is preferable for you.
ROSE: Yeah.
ROSE: Whenever you want.
KANAYA: I Guess
KANAYA: Okay We Should Probably Stay Up Here For The Next Hour And A Half Or So Until My Lookout Shift Finishes
KANAYA: Considering Its Literally The First Trial Of Your Bold New Initiative
KANAYA: So We Can Either Start Tomorrow With Some Academic And Anecdotal Stuff
KANAYA: Or
ROSE: Or?
KANAYA: You Cant Laugh Okay
ROSE: ...
ROSE: Okay.
KANAYA: Okay
KANAYA: We Could Look At One Of My Books
KANAYA: My Novels That Is
KANAYA: Theyre Primarily Tales Of Historical And Fantastical Fiction
KANAYA: Well Now I Think About It Its Not So Fantastical Now That I Know Rainbow Drinkers To Be Real I Suppose
KANAYA: But Anyway They Also Contain Elements Of
KANAYA: Romance
KANAYA: You Know Passion And Sensuality And Such
ROSE: …I see.
ROSE: And you wouldn’t be uncomfortable sharing these books with me?
KANAYA: Its Okay
KANAYA: I Mean Its Purely Academic Anyway Right So
ROSE: Right. Yes, it’s purely academic. No reason for either of us to get self-conscious.
ROSE: I’m assuming, since you implied that this was an option we could take now, that you have one on your person at the moment?
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: Here
ROSE: ...
ROSE: “The Drinker’s Disgrace: Part Four Of The Jades Behaving Badly Series”.
ROSE: Oh, my.
KANAYA: Oh Gosh Is It Too
KANAYA: Um
ROSE: Raunchy?
KANAYA: Too Much
KANAYA: Is What I Was Going To Say
KANAYA: But That Too
ROSE: It’s fine.
ROSE: I’d like to become more familiar with your interests.
ROSE: I promise not to laugh unless the writing is really, really, really horrendous.
KANAYA: Thank You Thats Very Comforting To Me
ROSE: So, do I need prior knowledge of the last three installments in the series, or is it more of an episodic fictional universe?
KANAYA: Rose
ROSE: Okay, sorry. Shutting up now.
KANAYA: Good
KANAYA: Ahem
KANAYA: It Was A Bright And Scorching Day When I Was Woken From A Peaceful Slumber By The Sound Of Screaming From The Caverns
KANAYA: Not The Quiet Almost Soothing Squeals Of Weak Wigglers Being Culled But A Louder Less Familiar Sound
KANAYA: The Sound Of Life Being Ripped From The Throats Of Innocent Trolls
KANAYA: I Quickly Checked My Strife Specibus And Ran Out Of My Block
KANAYA: Still Naked As I Am Wont To Sleep That Way And There Was Of Course No Time To Dress As I Prepared To Face Off Against Whatever Emergency Or Intruder Was Threatening My Jades

It’s pretty hard not to laugh at first – you have no clue whether all this was as cliché on Alternia as it would have been on Earth, but you have a sneaking suspicion that it was probably even more so. You begin to engage with it after a while, though – the interpersonal dynamics are about as intricate and confusing as you’ve been led to expect from troll romances, and you quickly begin to lose the plot if you don’t pay attention. And, really, it’s almost ridiculously easy to lose yourself in Kanaya’s lilting voice, the way she enunciates each word just-so. Her glow has dimmed to a candlelight, almost too dim to read by with diurnal human eyes. One of you should probably be looking out for dream bubbles, but she’s utterly lost in the book and you’re utterly lost in her.

And, okay, so maybe you had an ulterior motive in asking Kanaya to teach you about romance. Maybe you sort of knew the basics of troll romance already. Maybe what you really want to know is what it means to her. So what? A girl can ask for a friend’s opinion on a very subjective part of her culture.

No, you have to at least be honest with yourself – a girl can ask for her crush’s opinion on the way she and her society comprehend romantic relationships. This is a reconnaissance mission.

ROSE: So Inexun is matesprits with Warria, who is moirails with Tyninn?
KANAYA: Yes Although Inexun And Warrias Relationship Has Been Contentious As Of Late
KANAYA: Due To The Restrictions Placed Upon Jades By The Empire Inexun Believes They Should Break Up For Fear Of Being Culled But Warria Maintains That Their Love Is Indestructible And That They Need Never Fear The Wrath Of The Empire As Long As They Have Each Other
ROSE: And Tyninn tries to mediate between them because of his moirallegiance with Warria?
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: But Do You Want The More Accurate Answer With A Bit Of A Spoiler In It
ROSE: Oh, by all means. Accuracy is the mother of comprehension.
KANAYA: Basically If Tyninn Were Actually Mediating Due To His Pale Feelings For Warria He Would Probably Be Exclusively On Warrias Side Or At Least Only Calling Her Out On Things That He Thinks She Needs To Change In Order To Be Happier Or Safer
KANAYA: But What Were Actually Seeing Here Is That Tyninn Has An Ashen Crush On Inexun And Warria
ROSE: Which is why he’s taking actions to aid Inexun where he sees fit in order to help revitalise their matespritship, even if on the surface level those actions are to the personal or emotional detriment of Warria?
KANAYA: Exactly
KANAYA: Really Its Not Exactly The Most Nuanced Of Depictions
KANAYA: After All A Good Moirail May Often Do Things That On The Surface Level Seem To Upset Their Partner But Which In The Long Run Help Them
KANAYA: However The Intervention Here Is Key
KANAYA: Tyninn Engages Far More Often In Soothing Arguments Between Inexun And Warria Than He Does In More One On One Pale Interactions
KANAYA: There Has Been Nary A Shoosh Or A Pap Executed Without The Presence Of Inexun For About The Last Three Chapters
ROSE: I see.
ROSE: So there can be crossover between conciliatory behaviours, but the frequency and motivations of such actions can differ?
KANAYA: Yes Excellently Put
KANAYA: Well Done Rose Youre Very Good At This
KANAYA: Im Beginning To Think You Dont Need My Help After All
ROSE: Oh, no, your insights have been remarkably fascinating.
ROSE: I would never have picked up on Tyninn’s true feelings.
KANAYA: Well Okay Then
KANAYA: Ill Continue
KANAYA: I Watched Tyninn Pull Warria Away And I Felt A Pang In My Chest
KANAYA: It Was Similar In Its Intensity To Such Pangs As I Had Become Accustomed But It Was Unfamiliar In Its Target And Its Nature
KANAYA: And I Suddenly Realised That It Was Not Tyninn Who I Was Jealous Of But Warria
KANAYA: How Could I Have Been So Blind
KANAYA: How Could I Never Have Realised How Desperately My Horns
KANAYA: Oh My Goodness
KANAYA: Im So Sorry Rose This Is A Bit Graphic
KANAYA: How Could I Never Have Realised How Desperately My Horns Longed For The Soothing Touch Of Tyninns Frond
ROSE: ...
ROSE: Wait, that was the graphic bit?
KANAYA: Yes
ROSE: Interesting.

You file horn-stroking away in a filing cabinet in your brain labelled Expressions of Quadrant Romance, Pale, Extreme. Kanaya is looking at you with – what? Nervousness? Her mouth is drawn into a small frown and she looks – sad. You don’t want Kanaya to be sad.

ROSE: I’m sorry, is this too much for you?
ROSE: I don’t mean to upset you. I’d feel terrible if I marred one of your hobbies with a distressing or embarrassing memory.
ROSE: If this is awkward for you, please don’t feel obliged to continue. I don’t have any concept of what constitutes different levels of PDA for these characters, so I’m unsure of how to judge what is appropriate or inappropriate and what might be making you uncomfortable.
KANAYA: Right
KANAYA: No Of Course You Dont
KANAYA: You Dont Understand This Thats Why You Asked About It
KANAYA: Sorry Ill Keep Going

*

The book’s central focus seems to be ashen romance, which Kanaya claims is a change of pace from most works of fiction – apparently, auspisticism is often shunted to the edges of romance, seen as a social necessity rather than a personal, emotional desire. According to her, this series contains an installment mainly centred around each quadrant, this one being the final one.

It’s hard to tell how she feels about the fourth quadrant. She much more readily offers details on the other types of relationships at play, and you recall that first conversation you had with her about her romantic history, deep in the bowels of the meteor. You recall every time an argument breaks out and she steps in, only to withdraw again just as quickly, as though burned. It’s impressive, really, the way she’s holding herself back from it – it’s obviously something which comes as naturally to her as breathing, but you’ve barely seen such a mediation last more that a few minutes before she remembers to step out of it and leaves whomever the other parties are to continue their spat alone. She’s clearly decided that it’s bad for her and is changing her behaviour to spare her own emotional energy. You wish you had that kind of self-control, that capacity for self-awareness.

There’s something else, too. Whenever you ask a stupid question, or are unimpressed by supposedly inappropriate levels of conciliatory and black PDA, or show just how alien you find it all, there’s that slight downward turn to Kanaya’s mouth, a disappointment in the way her hands still and she lowers the book to answer you. It's starting to hurt, and you're almost glad when Terezi shows up to take over lookout duty and tells Kanaya she wants to speak to her before she leaves. You wander away alone, but Kanaya catches your eye, gives you a smile and a wave, and maybe the night isn't quite ruined after all.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TT: I took your advice.
CG: WHAT ADVICE?
CG: YOU’LL HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, I GIVE OUT A LOT OF GOOD ADVICE TO A LOT OF PEOPLE. I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
TT: Don’t be obtuse. I asked Kanaya about her opinions on quadrant romance.
TT: What exactly were you hoping my doing so would achieve?
CG: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
TT: Isn’t it, though?
CG: FINE, I HOPED YOU’D GO BUG SOMEONE ELSE ABOUT THIS SHIT.
TT: Oh, really.
CG: LOOK, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SAID THAT MY VIEWS WERE “HYPER-DEVELOPED AND PIGHEADED”.
TT: I said they SEEMED hyper-developed and pigheaded, because you wouldn’t stop telling me that the only real emotions trolls have are hate and watered-down hate.
TT: And you’re the one who told me that I would never be able to feel any troll emotions, let alone romance, because of my primitive monkey brain.
TT: How primitive must you think me, if I can’t even feel one emotion?
CG: PRETTY FUCKING PRIMITIVE. GO BUG KANAYA IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO THINKS HUMANS CAN DO QUADRANT ROMANCE.
TT: That’s the thing.
TT: I don’t think she does believe that.
CG: OH? SHE’S FINALLY WISED UP?
CG: GREAT, SHE’S PROBABLY ALL UPSET NOW.
TT: Yes, actually.
CG: WHAT?
TT: She did seem upset when I demonstrated my sheer obliviousness and lack of sensitivity around the subject.
TT: I don’t want her to be upset.
TT: So I ask you, what did you think me talking to her about it would achieve?
CG: OH MY GOG, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
CG: HOW ARE *YOU* GETTING ON *MY* CASE FOR HURTING KANAYA’S FEELINGS?
TT: What’s that supposed to mean?
CG: MAYBE TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE, IS ALL!
CG: SHE’S STILL PROCESSING THE FACT THAT TROLL-HUMAN ROMANCE IS PRAGMATICALLY INVIABLE.
CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOVE IT DOWN HER MEAT TUNNEL.
TT: I’m trying to understand it. I want to learn.
TT: I could do without being told what I’m capable and incapable of feeling.
TT: There’s such a thing as compromise, you know. There’s such a thing as emotional growth.
CG: WHATEVER.
TT: And I could do without you projecting your own bitter feelings about your failed attempts at romance onto me.
TT: Has it occurred to you that maybe John and Jade just weren’t interested in you?
TT: Hell, maybe they were, or would have been. You only actually interacted with them for about two days.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?
CG: THAT’S SO NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
CG: IT’S JUST SIMPLE LOGIC.
CG: IF YOUR SPECIES WERE ABLE TO DEVELOP QUADRANT RELATIONSHIPS, IT WOULD HAVE.
TT: Who’s to say it didn’t?
CG: I AM.
TT: My apologies, but you actually know very little about earth culture. Your exposure to it has been watching a bunch of kids, hanging out with them as teenagers, and a downloading a fuckton of Earth romantic comedies.
TT: Of course flushed romance is the ultimate focal point of such media, it’s the form of romance we’re most suited to on the surface level.
TT: But what you’re seeing in your movies isn’t anywhere near the full extent of our cultural understanding of emotional relationships, let alone romance.
TT: Not to mention, the average earth “matespritship” contains elements of moirallegiance, and often kismessitude as well.
TT: Perhaps it’s troll who aren’t capable of feeling emotions as complex as a human’s.
CG: OKAY, THAT’S TOTAL HOOFBEAST SHIT, BUT FINE.
CG: IT’S NOT ANY OF MY BUSINESS IF YOU HURT KANAYA’S FEELINGS WITH YOUR TOTAL TACTLESSNESS.
CG: WHY DON’T YOU SWITCH IT UP A BIT, GO TELL HER THAT SHE’S THE ONE INCAPABLE OF FEELING *YOUR* EMOTIONS, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY THINK?
TT: Because I don’t think that.
TT: You can stop dancing around the topic. We both know I’m trying to learn this because of her.
TT: If I didn’t think it was possible for it to work out, why would I even bother?
CG: BEATS ME. JUST ANOTHER SNARKY BROAD MIND GAME TO PASS THE TIME?
CG: OR MAYBE YOU’RE IN DENIAL.
TT: Or maybe you are.
TT: You created our entire species. Our cultures and biology are bizarrely compatible considering we’re not even in the same taxonomical class.
TT: Is it really so difficult to believe that maybe our emotions and interpersonal relationships are too?
TT: I posit that it’s easy to believe – if you aren’t trying to convince yourself that the reason your advances have been rejected is because their targets were of inferior sentience.
CG: FUCKING WHATEVER.
CG: I’M “SORRY” FOR MAKING THIS CONVERSATION HOSTILE.
TT: As am I.
TT: Goodnight.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Chapter Text

You’ve been dancing around this for a while now, but the fact is – Rose doesn’t get troll romance. And you know she’s trying, but, honestly, so many parts of it just… don’t affect her. Maybe she can learn why saying I hate you is a really big deal, but she’ll never instinctually feel the pull to the different facets of quadrant affection. She’ll never really understand.

TEREZI: WH4T W3R3 YOU DO1NG W1TH ROS3?
TEREZI: NO OFF3NS3 BUT YOU 4R3N’T SM3LL1NG SO HOT R1GHT NOW
KANAYA: Its Nothing Important
TEREZI: BOOOO
TEREZI: YOU H3LP3D M3 W1TH MY L1GHT PL4Y3R PROBL3MS 4ND 1 DON’T 3V3N G3T TO R3TURN TH3 F4VOUR?
TEREZI: TH1S 1S 4 S3V3R3 M1SC4RR14G3 OF JUST1CE
TEREZI: 4ND COM1NG FROM 4 F3LLOW SP3CTRUM SLURP3R TOO!
KANAYA: A Fellow What
TEREZI: 1’M 4SH4M3D ON B3H4LF OF OUR K1ND, K4N4Y4
KANAYA: Fine
KANAYA: She Asked Me To Teach Her About The Quadrants
TEREZI: OH SH3 D1D D1D SH3
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: > :]
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: > :]
KANAYA: Shoosh You
KANAYA: Academically Speaking
KANAYA: Apparently Its Another Part Of Our Culture She Finds Fascinating And
KANAYA: Alien
TEREZI: >:?
KANAYA: She Doesnt Get It Terezi
KANAYA: I Dont Even Know If She Can I Mean I Know Shes Trying But Karkat Is Convinced Humans Just Operate On A Different Wavelength And Im Starting To Agree With Him
TEREZI: OH K4N4Y4
TEREZI: YOU KNOW H3’S JUST B1TT3R 4ND TRY1NG TO CONV1NC3 H1MS3LF H3 N3V3R H4D 4 CH4NC3!
TEREZI: TH4T W4Y TH3 ONLY TH1NG H3 H4S TO BL4M3 H1MS3LF FOR 1S TH1NK1NG 1T W4S 3V3N WORTH TRY1NG 4ND H3 C4N BL4M3 HUM4NS FOR TH3 R3ST OF 1T BY S4Y1NG TH3Y'R3 JUST 1NF3R1OR 4ND COULD N3V3R COMPR3H3ND OUR SUP3R1OR W4YS
TEREZI: R4TH3R TH4N 4DM1TT1NG TO H1MS3LF TH4T H3 W3NT 4BOUT TH1NGS 3NT1R3LY TH3 WRONG W4Y
TEREZI: 4ND THUS H3 4VO1DS H4V1NG TO 4DM1T TH4T H1S ROM4NT1C F41L1NGS 4R3 NOT 3XCLUS1V3LY L1M1T3D TO H1S 1NT3RSP3C13S D4LL14NC3S >:/
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Terezi
KANAYA: Im Sorry I Brought Him Up
KANAYA: But
KANAYA: What Ever Did Happen Between You
KANAYA: Im Afraid Im Still Not Sure I Understand Where It All Went South
KANAYA: Was It Just Him Being Him Or What
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: 1 M34N 1 GU3SS TH4T W4S TH3 M41N R34SON
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 1T W4S L1K3 W3 WORK3D OUT 1N TH3ORY BUT N3V3R 1N PR4CT1S3
TEREZI: OR M4YB3 1T W4S TH3 OTH3R W4Y 4ROUND?
TEREZI: BUT 4LSO
TEREZI: ON3 OF TH3 TH1NGS MY FUTUR3 S3LF CH4NG3D
TEREZI: W4S SH3 TOLD M3 1 "D1DN’T N33D H1M"
TEREZI: TO B3 HON3ST 1 DON’T 3V3N KNOW WHO 1 W4S R3F3RR1NG TO
TEREZI: BUT 4T TH3 T1M3 TH3 ONLY “H1M” 1N MY L1F3 W4S
TEREZI: H1M
TEREZI: SO
KANAYA: Im Sorry
TEREZI: 1T’S WH4T3V3R
TEREZI: BUT 1 TH1NK H3 BL4M3S H1MS3LF. WH1CH 1S M4YB3 F41R? BUT 4LSO, H3 BL4M3S H1MS3LF FOR *3V3RYTH1NG*
TEREZI: L1K3, OK4Y K4RK4T! SOM3T1M3S B4D TH1NGS H4PP3N TH4T H4V3 NOTH1NG TO DO W1TH YOU! YOU'R3 NOT TH3 C3NT3R OF MY UN1V3RS3!
TEREZI: 1T JUST G3TS K1ND OF OLD 4FT3R 4 WH1L3
TEREZI: 1’M NOT H1S MO1R41L, THOUGH! SO FUCK TH4T!
KANAYA: Thats Fair I Guess
TEREZI: UGH WHY 4R3 W3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT M3
TEREZI: LOOK
TEREZI: YOU CR34T3D TH3 HUM4N R4C3
TEREZI: NOT JUST 1ND1R3CTLY L1K3 TH3 R3ST OF US
TEREZI: 1T W4S L1T3R4LLY YOUR JOB
TEREZI: 1F TH3R3 1S 4NYON3 1N OUR GROUP WHO 1S HUM4N-COMP4T1BL3, 1T’S YOU!
TEREZI: NOT TO M3NT1ON TH4T 1 FOUND
TEREZI: W3LL 1 FOUND N3P3T4’S SH1PP1NG W4LL 4 WH1L3 B4CK
TEREZI: TH3 ON3 ON TH3 M3T3OR OBV1OUSLY NOT TH3 ON3 1N H3R H1V3
TEREZI: 4ND SH3 4CTU4LLY H4D QU1T3 4 F3W SH1PS ON TH3R3 1NVOLV1NG TH3 HUM4NS
TEREZI: 1 KNOW 3V3RYON3 4LW4YS M4D3 FUN OF H3R FOR H3R SH1PPING
TEREZI: BUT SH3 *W4S* OUR H34RT PL4Y3R
TEREZI: SUR3LY, 1F 4NY OF US WOULD KNOW WH4T’S POSS1BL3, 1T WOULD B3 H3R?
KANAYA: I Guess You Might Be Right
KANAYA: Ugh
KANAYA: It Just
KANAYA: It Hurts
TEREZI: OH, K4N4Y4
TEREZI: 1 KNOW >:[

*

So you don’t end up continuing the lessons the next morning, after all. Rose doesn’t mention it, but you think she seems pretty flat too. So, here you are. Movie night again, and this time Rose has somehow managed to bribe one of the Scourge Sisters into having a human culture night.

You’re sitting on the same couch as her, as always, only today Dave has decided to plant himself smack in the middle. You’re steadfastly ignoring the fact that Karkat and Gamzee are sitting together on the table at the back of the room, talking quietly. It’s not your business it’s not your business it’s not your business it’s not

TEREZI: TH3 VOT3S 4R3 1N!
TEREZI: W3 H4V3 TWO FOR 34RTH ST4R W4RS
TEREZI: TWO FOR JUR4SS1C P4RK
TEREZI: 4ND THR33 FOR T3N TH1NGS 1 H4T3 4BOUT YOU!
VRISKA: What? 8ullshit!
VRISKA: No w8y did three whole people vote for whatever shitshow the romance category is pulling in this time!
VRISKA: Karkat rigged it!
GAMZEE: HE DIDN’T.
VRISKA: Shut up, clown.
GAMZEE: :o(
KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING PSYCHIC HIM, YOU HAG, THAT’S SO UTTERLY UNCALLED FOR!
VRISKA: Psychic isn’t even a ver8, dum8ass.
TEREZI: VR1SK4 >:[
VRISKA: Ughhhhhhhh.
GAMZEE: and these motherfuckers will be all up and asking why i dont bother coming to their little motherfucking meetings.

So it’s a fun night of going to get more snacks, coming back, finding Dave has taken your spot, so now you have to sit next to Rose, and trying not to look her in the eye as the protagonists onscreen share the tender moment of an almost-kiss.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

TT: What quadrant do you think they’re going for?

You look at her curiously, but her gaze is fixed on the screen, gripping her little handheld computing device so fiercely that her knobby human knuckles are turning white. It vibrates in her hand when you reply, and she looks back at it quickly before tapping out another message.

GA: I Find It Curious That Youve Decided To Text Me Rather Than Simply Speak To Me Considering Were About Twenty Centimetres Apart
TT: I thought it more considerate not to have a conversation out loud during the film.
TT: Goodness knows there’s already at least two conversations being had. Poor Dave probably can’t even tell what the characters are saying.
TT: Also, I wished to give you the option to not respond.
TT: If you didn’t want to.
TT: You still don’t have to.
GA: Oh

It’s not even that you don’t want to, although you’re not sure you do. But your hands still either way, and you can’t look at her, or even at the movie, or at your own device, so you just stare at you fingers, the little pinpricks that come from biting your cuticles with a mouth full of fangs. And then it’s too much, and you look at her, and her face is soft and warm and so full of pity and considerateness and –

GA: Um
GA: Its Okay
GA: Well Bianca And The Boys Who Like Her
GA: Thats Clearly A Matesprit Situation
GA: You Know Its Funny Because From What Youve Told Me About Human Families It Always Seemed Like Siblings And Such Relationships Where Often Almost Pale In Nature
GA: But The Two Sisters Here Are Very Clearly Platonic Hatefriends
GA: I Mean I Suppose One Could Ship Them As Moirails Or Perhaps As A Sort Of Flipping Ashen Pair Where They Will Each Occasionally Act As Mediator Between Their Father And The Other Sister
GA: But I Dont Really See It
TT: That makes sense. Their relationship isn’t as intimate as some of those of other human siblings, fictional or nonfictional.
GA: Like You And Dave
TT: Yes, I suppose so.
GA: As For The Main Couple
GA: The Initial Advances Are Very Caliginous
GA: Both In Terms Of His Attempts To Aggravate Her And Her Contempt Of Him
GA: Contempt Is A Key Part Of Black Feelings As I Am Sure Karkat Has Told You
GA: But Very Soon They Begin Vacillating And To Be Honest Based On What I Know Of Human Romance Stories It Seems Likely To Me That Their Relationship Will Just Be A Particularly Contentious Matespritship
GA: As They Get To Know Each Other It Seems Like There Is Pretty Much No Animosity Under The Surface And Their Bickering At The Moment Seems To Me More Like A Little Game Between Them Than Anything Else
TT: I see.
TT: I think I agree.
TT: At moments when they hate each other, it’s mostly because of a miscommunication or because they simply don’t understand each other.
TT: Whereas, with a proper, healthy kismesissitude, the hatred would come from seeing unlikeable qualities, understanding why they exist, but not thinking that reason justifies them?
GA: !
GA: Exactly
GA: I Couldnt Have Said It Better Myself

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

She’s back to looking at the movie, but when you look down, you see she’s taken her hand off her device and placed it on the couch between you, half a centimetre from yours. Slowly, slowly, slowly, her pinkie moves toward yours. When they touch, you don’t pull away, and the two of you stay like that, little fingers linked, for the remainder of the movie.

DAVE: is it over
DAVE: nice
DAVE: hey tz we missed it
TEREZI: SUCC3SS >:]
ROSE: Still unable to appreciate a perfectly benign “chick flick”, I see, Dave.
DAVE: it was boring ok
TEREZI: SO BOR1NG
TEREZI: DON’T 4CT L1K3 YOU DON’T 4GR33, 1 SM3LL3D YOU T3XT1NG THROUGH 1T!
TEREZI: V3RY RUD3
ROSE: That wasn’t because I was bored!
ROSE: Kanaya and I were discussing the movie without disturbing everyone else by talking out loud!
DAVE: what were you talking about
ROSE: We were commiserating over the fact that Bianca was sure Kat was straight. Up to that point we’d both been deeply in love with her.
KANAYA: Oh Is That What That Part Meant
KANAYA: Why On Earth Were They Dancing Around It Like That Then
ROSE: Because your sister being a lesbian is embarrassing and shameful and awkward to discuss, I imagine.
DAVE: i dont know why you gotta look at me while you say that
TEREZI: S1L3NC3!
TEREZI: TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S 3V3N MOR3 BOR1NG TH4N YOUR P1T1FUL 34RTH C1N3M4
TEREZI: L3T'S DO SOM3TH1NG 3LS3, L1K3 34T TH1S D3L1C1OUS D3SS3RT D4V3 4ND 1 G3NEROUSLY PR3P4R3D FOR YOU 4LL!
DAVE: its banana splits
ROSE: Did –
DAVE: lemme just nip whatever you were about to say in the bud there rose because it was terezis idea not mine
KANAYA: I See That
KANAYA: Terezi Are You Sure Thats Really A Healthy Amount Of Rainbow Sugar Freckles
VRISKA: Damn, leave some sprinkles for everyone else!
TEREZI: YOU DON'T 3V3N L1K3 THEM THOUGH
DAVE: i do hand them over
DAVE: wait these arent made of baby trolls are they
TEREZI: NO, TH3Y'R3 V3G4N
ROSE: Trolls have veganism?
DAVE: i mean my main concern with that sentence was the implication that non vegan troll sprinkles ARE made of babies but
VRISKA: 8oooooooo, there's no white chocolate sauce!
DAVE: yeah because white chocolate is disgusting you deranged person
ROSE: Also, we haven't been able to alchemise it yet.
TEREZI: ROS3
TEREZI: WH1T3 CHOCOL4T3 S4UC3 1S L1T3R4LLY SO 34SY TO M4K3
TEREZI: 1T 1S JUST CHOCOL4T3 PLUS GRUBS4UC3 PLUS WH1T3 CH4LK
ROSE: Ok, I'm not eating anything you alchemise ever again.
TEREZI: 1'V3 B33N TRY1NG TO 3XPL41N TH1S TO YOU
TEREZI: 4LCH3MY 1S 4 SYNTH3TH1S OF 1D34S, NOT SUBST4NC3S
ROSE: In what world is the main idea of chalk that it's "white", rather than that it's CHALK?
TEREZI: 1N MY WORLD, OF COURS3!
TEREZI: YOU WOULD B3 SUCH 4 T3RR1BL3 M1ND PL4Y3R, ROS3
TEREZI: SO. B4D.
ROSE: If you're so brilliant, why can't you get the "flavour" out of your pink crayons and make me a cherry for my sundae?
TEREZI: B3C4US3 SUBTR4CT1ON 1S H4RD, OF COURS3.
TEREZI: HON3STLY. L1GHT PL4Y3RS.
VRISKA: H8y!
TEREZI: TRUTH T3LL3RS 4R3 OFT3N S1L3NC3D DUR1NG TH31R L1F3T1M3S >:/

The brightly coloured fruit syrups Terezi’s made are making you crave blood. You ignore that fun feeling in favour of pouring a frankly impractical quantity of slivered almonds on top of your mound of frozen dairy product. The only other person who isn’t in the midst of attempting to completely drown anything remotely healthy in various confectionary toppings is Rose, who is waiting patiently for her turn with the almonds. To be fair, you do both have quite a lot of less healthy toppings piled on as well.

DAVE: we should do this more often
DAVE: just like having food together
DAVE: its pretty nice
VRISKA: Nah.
VRISKA: I’m 8ored already!
VRISKA: Can we pleeeeeeeease do something a 8it more interesting?
KANAYA: What Are You Suggesting
VRISKA: I don’t know. We could pl8y a g8me!
KANAYA: Like What
VRISKA: Look, I already thought of doing a g8me. It’s some8ody else’s turn to have a gr8 idea.
TEREZI: SP1N TH3 BOTTL3
KANAYA: No
DAVE: no
ROSE: Doing that without Karkat here, that’s just cruel.
DAVE: wait where is karkat
DAVE: he was here during the movie right
KANAYA: He Was
KANAYA: I Think He And Gamzee Slipped Out At Some Point
KANAYA: Impressive Really Since His Stealth Skills Generally Leave Quite A Bit To Be Desired
DAVE: so what are they doing now
VRISKA: Pro8a8ly playing spin the 8ottle with a 8unch of severed heads!
KANAYA: Vriska
TEREZI: NOT FUNNY.
VRISKA: Wow, sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood!
KANAYA: What About Never Have I Ever
ROSE: We don’t have any alcohol, though.
KANAYA: We Have Faygo Somewhere
TEREZI: B4RF
TEREZI: WHY DON’T W3 JUST NOT DR1NK
VRISKA: That t8kes all the fun out of it!
KANAYA: No It Doesnt
ROSE: Truth or Dare?
VRISKA: No!
TEREZI: DON’T M1ND H3R, SH3’S JUST 4FR41D 1’LL B3 4BL3 TO SM3LL H3R L13S >:]
VRISKA: Am not! Truth or dare is just a weenie g8me for losers.
KANAYA: And Its So Hard To Think Of Good Dares
ROSE: I’ll help. I’ve been told I have a “twisted and sadistic mind”.
DAVE: and i stand by that assessment
ROSE: Truth or dare, Dave?
DAVE: fuck off we havent even decided were playing this yet
TEREZI: DO 1T! DO 1T! DO 1T! DO 1T!
DAVE: whatever
DAVE: dare
ROSE: Speak in German accent for the rest of the night.
DAVE: is zat seriously ze best youffe kot
DAVE: im dizappointet in you
ROSE: Not at all. I’m just getting warmed up.
ROSE: It’s your turn.
DAVE: fine
DAVE: kanaya truce or dare
KANAYA: Truth
DAVE: vhich person here vould you least like to kiss
KANAYA: Oh Thats Easy
KANAYA: You
DAVE: vow zat really hurts i sought ve vere friends
KANAYA: Truth Or Dare Terezi
TEREZI: D4R3!
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Lets See
KANAYA: Take A Bite Out Of A Cushion
TEREZI: WH4T >:?
KANAYA: Make Sure You Chew And Swallow
TEREZI: UH OK4Y
TEREZI: NWUGHG CHURNGUN AUNFHGG
DAVE: how voss it
TEREZI: V3RY D1FFICULT TO SW4LLOW
TEREZI: T4ST3S L1K3 V4N1LL4 >:]
TEREZI: ROS3!
TEREZI: TRUTH OR D4R3?
ROSE: Truth.
TEREZI: D1D YOU 3V3R TRY ON3 OF YOUR LUSUS’S SOPOR1F1C B3V3R4G3S?
ROSE: Once or twice, yes.
ROSE: They were pretty disgusting.
TEREZI: 3V3N TH3 BR1GHTLY COLOUR3D ON3S?
ROSE: Yep.
TEREZI: >:[
ROSE: Vriska, truth or dare?
VRISKA: Dare. >::::)
ROSE: Give me a foot massage for eight minutes.
VRISKA: Ewwwwwwww, really?
ROSE: Chop chop!
VRISKA: Fiiiiiiiine.
VRISKA: Terezi, truth or dare?
TEREZI: TRUTH!
VRISKA: What’s the longest that a piece of food you’ve dropped has 8een on the ground that you still 8 it?
TEREZI: HMMMM
TEREZI: WH4T COUNTS 4S FOOD?
DAVE: oh mein gott tz how iss zat somesink you neet to ask
VRISKA: Anything you willingly put into your mouth and swallowed.
TEREZI: WH4T 1F 1 M34NT TO PUT 1T 1N MY MOUTH BUT 1 ONLY SW4LLOW3D 1T ON 4CC1D3NT?
VRISKA: Well, what was it????????
TEREZI: 4 K3Y
KANAYA: How
TEREZI: 1T W4S 4 P4RT OF 4 PUZZL3 1N MY L4ND, 1 FOUND 1T ON THE GROUND
TEREZI: 1 W4S TRY1NG TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T 1T W4S TH3 K3Y TO BY G3TT1NG 4 CLOS3R LOOK!
TEREZI: 4ND NOW W3 W1LL N3V3R KNOW TH3 4NSW3R TO TH4T MYST3RY >:[
TEREZI: K4N4Y4, TRUTH OR D4R3?
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Truth
TEREZI: DO YOU L1K3 K4RK4T?
KANAYA: Of Course I Do Hes One Of My Closest Friends
TEREZI: YOU KNOW TH4T’S NOT WH4T 1 M34NT!
KANAYA: Youll Have To Be Quite A Bit More Specific Than That Then
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU P4L3 FOR H1M?
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: Dave Truth Or
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON!
TEREZI: G1V3 US 4 B1T MOR3 TO GO OFF H3R3
KANAYA: I Answered The Question
VRISKA: Did you reeeeeeeeally, though?
ROSE: Yes, she did.
ROSE: Was she lying, Terezi?
TEREZI: NO
TEREZI: 4T L34ST, 1 DON’T TH1NK SO >:/
ROSE: Leave her alone, then.
KANAYA: Thank You Rose
KANAYA: Dave Truth Or Dare
DAVE: dare
KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: Make
KANAYA: Do A
KANAYA: (Rose Help) ROSE: Dance with no music for two and a half minutes.
DAVE: vhat come on kanaya is supposed to be ze vun deciding vhat i haff to do
KANAYA: Dance With No Music For Two And A Half Minutes
DAVE: also its physsically impossible for me to do zat becoss zere is alvays a beat in my head
KANAYA: Should Be Easy Then
ROSE: Dance, monkey.
KANAYA: Dance
DAVE: fine
DAVE: roze truce or dare
ROSE: Truth.
DAVE: are you gay
ROSE: Really?
DAVE: ja bitch
ROSE: I’m not entirely sure, but it’s well within the realm of possibility.
DAVE: aw im glad you felt comfortable telling me zat
DAVE: ps mein gott zis iss so perfect
DAVE: are you hearink zis shit tz
TEREZI: D4V3, 1 ST1LL TH1NK YOUR “HUM4N G4Y” TH1NG 1S S1LLY 4ND BOR1NG
ROSE: Truth or dare, Dave?
DAVE: what
DAVE: i just hat a turn
ROSE: Truth or dare?
DAVE: dare
ROSE: Don’t make this about you.
DAVE: how vas i makink it about me
ROSE: Just don’t.
DAVE: vhatever
DAVE: truce or dare terezi
TEREZI: D4R3!
DAVE: drink some really hot tea und burn your tongue
TEREZI: NO W4Y!
TEREZI: 1 L1K3 MY TONGU3!
DAVE: tough luck zats ze dare now do it
VRISKA: She doesn’t have to do if she doesn’t want to!
DAVE: fine
DAVE: penalty for not doink it
DAVE: kiss vriska
TEREZI: F1N3!
VRISKA: W8, wha –
ROSE: Oh, my.
DAVE: lol
TEREZI: T4ST3S L1K3 BLU3B3RR13S >:]
TEREZI: K4N4Y4, TRUTH OR D4R3?
KANAYA: Do You Know I Think Ill Go With Truth
VRISKA: Good choice.
TEREZI: WH4T’S TH3 MOST 3MB4RR4SS1NG TH1NG TH4T H4PP3N3D TO YOU DUR1NG TH3 G4M3?
KANAYA: Hmmm
KANAYA: Probably The Time I Was Trying To Get Back To My Planet After Hanging Out With Nepeta
KANAYA: I Made My Way Through Her Sixth Gate And Appeared In The Middle Of Solluxs Respiteblock Just As He Was Exiting His Ablutionblock In Search Of A Towel
KANAYA: Honestly It Was His Fault Really
KANAYA: We Were Two Weeks In At That Point One Would Think Hed Have Learned That There Is No Privacy In Sgrub
TEREZI: WOW
VRISKA: Thanks for that!
VRISKA: Hey, do we have any 8leach? I need to go scru8 that image out of my brain!
ROSE: Agreed.
KANAYA: Hey Terezi Asked
KANAYA: Vriska Truth Or Dare
VRISKA: Dare!
KANAYA: Deliver To Us Three Minutes Of Improvised Slam Poetry
VRISKA: Whaaaaaaaat?
KANAYA: You Heard Me
DAVE: oh my gott oh my gott
DAVE: kanaya i luff you so much right now
VRISKA: Shut up and drop me a 8eat, Strider.
DAVE: yes maam
VRISKA: My name is a secret but I just say Serket, I've got…
VRISKA: Fuck, nothing rhymes with secret!
DAVE: (amateur)
VRISKA: Shut up! I’ve got mind powers, but don’t be sour...
VRISKA: .....
VRISKA: I’ve been waiting hours!
DAVE: (for vhat??)
VRISKA: For you to 8e quiet, Dave!
VRISKA: Don’t 8e a knave!
VRISKA: Terezi save-d me 8ecause she knows I’m brave!
VRISKA: Um.
VRISKA: I’m a thief in the night, 8ut what I steal is light!
VRISKA: So don’t try to fight me 8ecause you KNOW I’m right!
ROSE: (Are you okay there, Dave?)
DAVE: (im fine i just literally cannot keep beatboxink becauze im laughink too hart at zis and also becauze shes got absolutely zero rhythm)
KANAYA: (Its Okay Dave Ill Take Over)
KANAYA: (Pm Tm Pm Tm Pm Tm Pm)
KANAYA: (Pm Pm Takataka Pm Pm Pm)
DAVE: (kanaya vill you marry me)
VRISKA: Shut up, I’m trying to slam 8eats here!
VRISKA: Get excited tonight, it’s time for a fight –
DAVE: (dude you alreaty used fight smh)
VRISKA: Shh!
VRISKA: It’s time to st8tion yourselves in 8attle form8tion.
VRISKA: Because I’m the salv8tion for whom you’ve all 8een w8ing!
VRISKA: I’ve got irons in the fire, you all should admire
VRISKA: Me! It’s hard to be me, 8ut I do it with style!
VRISKA: Mindfang would 8e proud, the Disciple meowed –
TEREZI: (wh4t????)
VRISKA: Out loud! I can something something crowd something cloud!
DAVE: (zis is passetic)
VRISKA: How much longer, Kanaya?
KANAYA: Ba Dum Dum Forty Ba Dum Dum Seconds
VRISKA: My lyrics m8y 8e fire, 8ut I’m starting to tire.
VRISKA: ........If I can’t soon retire and take a sec to respire, I might just expire, and that's no lie-er!
ROSE: (Nice.)
VRISKA: 8ecause… on this meteor trip, I’m the captain of the ship!
VRISKA: So don’t ask for an encore…
VRISKA: 8ecause my thinkpan is getting sore!
KANAYA: A Round Of Applause For Dj V Swizzle
ROSE: Brava! Good show!
DAVE: vriska you haff expiated all your faults in mein eyes und now you are mein best freund
DAVE: i loff you
VRISKA: Ew, no. We are N8T friends.
TEREZI: 4W, YOU KNOW YOU LOV3 US >:]
VRISKA: …Whatever.
VRISKA: ::::)

Chapter Text

The void is pretty boring to look at. No stars, no clouds, no moon, and the only dreambubbles you can see are far off to the edges of what's visible – you won’t be running into them anytime soon.

It’s probably more interesting to those not actively trying to ignore the whispers and the tendrils and the huge, unblinking eyes in your peripheral vision. As it is, it’s just a fucking nuisance, and you drown it out with earbuds plugged into a radio you found on the meteor that can never find anything to tune into. You close your eyes, and you feel like you understand Dave and his dreamself for the first time in a while.

When your shift finishes, you’re surprised to see Karkat trailing after Kanaya on her way up. You haven’t actually seen him since the last movie night. It’s not an entirely unwelcome sight, though – whenever you interact with Kanaya one-on-one, it’s either glorious and perfect or incredibly awkward and embarrassing and you never want to remember it or talk to anyone ever again. Also, you're too sick of eldritch gods to stay up here any longer, and you're lonely.

KANAYA: Im Just Saying That Hes Fucking Annoying Is About The Least Potent Insult Ive Ever Heard You Give Someone
KANAYA: I Highly Doubt It Means Nothing
KARKAT: MAYBE I’M LOSING MY EDGE, EVER THINK OF THAT?
KANAYA: I Think The Fact That You Would Rather I Believe Youre Losing Your Edge Than I Possibly Imagine It Means Something Does In Itself Mean Something
KARKAT: YEAH, LIKE MAYBE IT MEANS THAT IT MEANS FUCKING NOTHING.
KANAYA: Uh Huh
ROSE: What are we discussing?
KANAYA: Whether Karkat Is Losing His Edge Or If Perhaps He Simply–
KARKAT: IS TIRED AND DOESN’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO THINK OF CREATIVE INSULTS.
KANAYA: Hmm Sounds Fake But Okay
KARKAT: I’M GONNA GET GOING. I HAVE THINGS TO DO THAT DON’T INVOLVE BEING BULLIED INTO SUBMISSION BY FLIGHTY BROADS.
ROSE: Sounds intriguing. I’ll accompany you.
KARKAT: DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST FUCKING SAID?

You smirk at Karkat until he fake-gags and turns away, and then you and Kanaya burst out laughing at the “kick me” sign on his back. You do run after him, if only to pull it off and hand it to him.

KARKAT: THAT FUCKING SHIT-SMELLING, MUSH-FACED PIECE OF HIND CLAW CLIPPINGS.
ROSE: That’s more like it.
ROSE: How have you been? It feels like we haven’t talked in some time.
KARKAT: OH WOW, I WONDER WHY IT FEELS THAT WAY?
KARKAT: NEVER MIND, I DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. IT’S BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T, GENIUS.
ROSE: Very well. How have you been? We haven’t talked in some time.
KARKAT: FINE, I GUESS. HANGING AROUND, WATCHING MOVIES, RESISTING THE URGE TO ARGUE WITH MY PAST AND FUTURE SELVES.
ROSE: Well, that’s certainly progress.
KARKAT: WHATEVER.
KARKAT: HOW’S IT GOING WITH KANAYA?
ROSE: I don’t know what you mean.
KARKAT: YES, YOU FUCKING DO.
ROSE: If you say so.
KARKAT: COME ON. SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND, I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO ASK ABOUT HER PITY LIFE.
ROSE: I don’t love that you used the phrase “pity life”–
KARKAT: OF COURSE YOU DON’T, YOU’RE AN UNCULTURED, SEMISENTIENT APE.
ROSE: But seeing as I now understand what exactly "pity" means to you as a concept, I will instead say that I pity that you used that phrase.
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY *NOT* THE RIGHT WAY TO USE THAT, BUT GO OFF.
ROSE: It implies that you think she likes me back, or it would be part of my pity life and not hers.
ROSE: Has she talked to you about me?
KARKAT: I PLEAD THE FIFTH.
ROSE: Did you even have the fifth amendment on Alternia? I was under the impression it was a dystopia where individual liberties and fundamental trollish rights were few and far between.
KARKAT: IT WASN’T A DYSTOPIA, IT WAS AN IMPERIALIST MILITARY DICTATORSHIP. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
KARKAT: AND OF COURSE WE DIDN’T HAVE THE FIFTH AMENDMENT, WE DIDN’T HAVE A CONSTITUTION. I KNOW YOU’RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THIS TERM SINCE YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOUR SO-CALLED “FRIENDS” SAY, BUT SOMETIMES YOU PICK UP A SAYING FROM PEOPLE YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME TALKING TO.
ROSE: Interesting. Have you picked any sayings up from Kanaya, about, say, me?
KARKAT: AGAIN, NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
ROSE: You’re incredibly unhelpful.
KARKAT: YOU’RE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING.
ROSE: Oh dear, I’m heartbroken. How will I ever get over this blow to my ego? Now that I know Karkat thinks I’m annoying, how can I go on with my life?
KARKAT: EASY, YOU CAN’T. BETTER GO DIE, IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM HERE.
ROSE: What are you going to do now, anyway?
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
ROSE: Because I’m so very bored and I want to know if whatever you’re doing is worth tagging along for.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, EVERYTHING I DO IS INCREDIBLY FASCINATING AND WHO SAYS I’M GOING TO LET YOU TAG ALONG?
ROSE: Pretty please?
KARKAT: WHATEVER.
KARKAT: I WAS GOING TO BAKE A PIE.
ROSE: What kind of pie?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.
KARKAT: A SWEEP AGO IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOPOR SLIME, BUT THAT’S OFF THE TABLE FOR MULTIPLE REASONS NOW, AND I’M NOT ACTUALLY SURE WHAT HIS FAVOURITE NON-TOXIC PIE FILLING IS.
KARKAT: MAYBE PEANUT BUTTER? HE MENTIONS THAT A BIT, BUT IT MIGHT ALSO BE A METAPHOR FOR TAVROS’ SEVERED HEAD.
KARKAT: URGH, NOW I FEEL SICK.
ROSE: You’re baking a pie for Gamzee?
KARKAT: NO SHIT, TROLL SHERLOCK.
ROSE: Well, excuse me for asking.
ROSE: Is it a special occasion?
KARKAT: I GUESS.
KARKAT: IT’S HIS WRIGGLING DAY TOMORROW.
KARKAT: TWENTIETH BILUNAR PERIGEE OF THE FOURTH DARK SEASON’S EQUINOX. OR, I GUESS, THAT’S THE DATE IT WOULD BE IF WE WERE STILL ON ALTERNIA.
KARKAT: I THINK? I DIDN’T DO MUCH TIME TRAVELLING, SO MY HUSKTOP CALENDAR SHOULDN’T BE *TOO* OFF, BUT WHO KNOWS IF IT’S ACCURATE FOR WHATEVER PURGATORY REALM WE’VE BEEN IN FOR THE PAST HOWEVER-FUCKING-LONG.
KARKAT: IT’S NOT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL, BUT. I DON’T KNOW. I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT LESS SUCKY.
KARKAT: I MEAN, IF HE’S GOING TO SPEND A NIGHT LAMENTING HIS MANY FLAWS, HE MIGHT NEED A PICK-ME-UP. HE’S KIND OF DEVELOPED EXPONENTIALLY MORE SINCE HIS LAST WRIGGLING DAY.
ROSE: I see.
ROSE: You know, I’ve baked a few pies in my time.
KARKAT: REALLY?
KARKAT: OH THANK FUCK, I HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO EVEN START. I WAS GOING TO BULLY KANAYA INTO GIVING ME A RECIPE, BUT SHE SAYS SHE DIDN’T BRING ANY.
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I THOUGHT SHE WOULD HAVE. PAST ME WAS JUST BEING AN IDIOT, AS PER USUAL, I GUESS.
ROSE: I guess we’d better see what ingredients we have, first of all.

You get to the pantry and start pulling out what looks like troll alternatives for flour, butter, sugar, salt, and some vaguely sweet-smelling spices. Hopefully none of them will taste terrible in a dessert. Karkat is staring at the various tinned and semi-fresh fruits in a state of visible bewilderment. He reaches out for a bunch of blue banana-things, then stops when you give a withering stare.

KARKAT: WELL I DON’T KNOW, DO I?
ROSE: I mean, you can if you want. I just think banana pie is a curse bestowed upon the creatures of the universe as some kind of karmic punishment.
KARKAT: WHATEVER.
ROSE: I think a caramel sauce might be nice, with some kind of summer fruit. What are all of these?
KARKAT: UH…
KARKAT: SWEET ORANGE DRUPE, PEACH FRUIT, SMOOTH PEACH FRUIT, RED AGGREGATE NONBERRY, CHERRIES, AND… I DON’T KNOW THIS ONE.
ROSE: Mystery fruit? Sounds fun, let’s use that.
KARKAT: OH, GOD.

You prise open one of the cans of UFO (Unidentified Fruit Object) and pull a piece out to taste-test. It’s not bad – a bit tart, but caramel sauce should be able to mitigate that. It tastes familiar, but you can’t identify any one analogous fruit from Earth.

ROSE: This should do well. Let’s start on the crust.

*

It’s probably not going to be a culinary masterpiece, but hey, it’ll be a hell of a lot better than if Karkat had attempted this without help, so you did your part. And it is very fucking funny watching him struggle to exert his dominance over the dough. So funny, in fact, that Dave’s cranky-alien-is-being-ridiculous-o-meter seems to have been set off, because he floats into the kitchen not fifteen minutes after you begin.

DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: hey rose whos winning
ROSE: The dough, I believe.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!
DAVE: (is he talking to us)
ROSE: (I don’t think so.)
KARKAT: THERE WILL BE PIE! THERE WILL BE PIE! THERE WILL BE PIE!
DAVE: fuck yeah chant time
DAVE: there will be pie! there will be pie!
KARKAT: THERE WILL BE–
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?
DAVE: like three minutes ago
DAVE: you were too absorbed in your agni kai to notice but i can respect that
KARKAT: IT’S NOT AN EGGY CRY, IT’S A PIE, DUMBFUCK.
DAVE: whats a pie
KARKAT: ROSE.
KARKAT: MAKE HIM STOP.
ROSE: Sorry, can’t help you there. I do not control the Dave.
KARKAT: NOW WHO’S USELESS?
ROSE: It appears to be your kneading skills that are useless. Are you sure you don’t want me to take over?
KARKAT: FUCK YOU. I’M DOING THIS ON MY OWN.
ROSE: If you say so.
DAVE: i cant tell if this is more like watching a cooking show or sports
ROSE: Probably because you never watched either.
DAVE: for good reason
DAVE: neither of them would have been half as fun as this
ROSE: Fair point. Do you want to make something, too?
DAVE: what
ROSE: Well, I'm bored, since apparently I'm only allowed to tell him how to do it, not actually help. Not to mention Karkat maintains that we won’t be on the receiving end of any of his pie, and all this baking is making me hungry.
DAVE: whaaat
DAVE: i cant believe this cankles
DAVE: didnt your lusus ever teach you that sharing is caring
DAVE: i want pieeeeeee
KARKAT: FUCK OFF, NOOKWAD.
KARKAT: IT’S NOT FOR YOU, IT'S FOR GAMZEE.
DAVE: bro
DAVE: are you telling me the JUGGALO gets pie and i dont
DAVE: is that really what youre telling me
DAVE: this is blatant favouritism and i wont stand for it
KARKAT: NO SHIT, IT’S FAVOURITISM.
KARKAT: HE’S MY *MOIRAIL*, I'M ALLOWED TO LIKE HIM BETTER THAN SOME ASSWIPE I’VE KNOWN FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF TEN PERIGEES. GET OVER IT.
ROSE: Dave…
DAVE: didnt he kill like three of your friends
KARKAT: TWO.
DAVE: i never killed ANY of your friends
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!
ROSE: DAVE!
ROSE: Let’s go see if there’s any chocolate chips!
DAVE: whatever
KARKAT: GOOD RIDDANCE.

Dave trails after you as you re-enter the pantry, and promptly busies himself with peering at the various trolls foods and lists of alchemy codes. You lean against the door and glare at him.

DAVE: what
ROSE: You’re being very rude and self-absorbed right now.
DAVE: same as always are we done i want to make cookies
ROSE: Not the same as always. You’re not a naturally selfish person.
DAVE: no argument on the rude thing i see
ROSE: Oh, you’re always fairly rude, or at least socially inept.
ROSE: Aren’t we all?
DAVE: what about weird blue banana muffins
ROSE: Dave, you know how I feel about bananas in cooking.
DAVE: you know how i feel about genuine conversations and yet here we are
ROSE: Are you jealous of Gamzee's relationship with Karkat?
DAVE: oh my fucking god
DAVE: why do you think i want a stupid troll feelings boyfriend
ROSE: I don't, you're just acting like you're jealous of him.
DAVE: i just think everyone seems to forget that four of the five trolls we live with are cold blooded murderers
ROSE: That’s just plain false, Dave.
ROSE: For one thing, Terezi hasn’t killed anyone.
DAVE: she was going to
DAVE: she told me
ROSE: It’s not a secret.
ROSE: It’s also not a secret that Kanaya only ever killed someone who had literally killed her and at least one other person and the only hope she had for the continuation of her race.
ROSE: I hardly call taking out murderers who are threats to the safety of everyone else while in the throes of shock, grief, and vengeful impulses “cold-blooded murder”, and that’s all those two ever did, even if you count the old timeline.
DAVE: whatever theres still way too many evil psychos on this rock and im sick of it
DAVE: how are you not feeling the same way
ROSE: I haven’t been murdered yet, have I?
ROSE: What’s more, I don’t think I’m going to be.
ROSE: We’re in a much more stable place now than these friends of ours were before they had their “reckoning”.
ROSE: Vriska is in a much more stable place.
ROSE: Gamzee has a moirail keeping him in line, and he’s past what that moirail says were the effects of his withdrawal.
DAVE: oh so its just forgive and forget is it
ROSE: You don’t have anything to forgive! You didn't know any of the people that died!
ROSE: If the others can keep it together, when they're the ones who lost their friends, I'd think you would be able to as well!
ROSE: If the others aren’t worried about being killed in their sleep, I don’t see why you are. You’re immortal.
DAVE: oh so being immortal means dying is suddenly a fun hobby does it
ROSE: It’s a moot point. Vriska has her hands in his mind at all times. If he were going to have another episode, we’d know, and we’d be able to stop it.
DAVE: somehow im not sure i trust the probable origin of humanity’s fear of spiders to stop the probable origin of humanity’s fear of clowns and self professed origin of my quote unquote fear of puppets from killing anyone
ROSE: Trust Karkat, then.
DAVE: im not putting shit on his tiny puny shoulders
DAVE: its fucked up is what it is
DAVE: so were just supposed to expect some guy to stop a fucking multiple murderer from flipping the fuck out again? just by fucking patting him on the cheek or whatever the fuck?
DAVE: nobody deserves to have that put on them i dont care if their society thinks its normal
ROSE: Dave, this isn’t something we have the right to make judgements on.
ROSE: If Karkat wasn’t up to the task, he could break off their relationship and let Vriska keep her eight eyes on him.
DAVE: he couldnt and he wouldnt and you know that
DAVE: we all fucking know that
ROSE: If you don’t like Gamzee, talk to Kanaya about it. I’m sure she’d be happy to discuss her concerns with you.
ROSE: As it is, you don’t have to bring it up to his moirail. You’re only going to upset and alienate your friend.
ROSE: Now, we’re going to go out there and I’m going to make chocolate biscuits and you’re going to make Karkat an apology cake.
DAVE: jegus christ
DAVE: whatever

*

The baked goods are going into the oven, finally. Or rather, Dave’s and Karkat’s are; since you’ve produced a rather overenthusiastic amount of cookie dough, you’ve graciously allowed the other two first use of the oven so you can commandeer it for an hour or so after them. The three of you are sitting on the bench licking various utensils (who needs to wash dishes, in this day and age?) and you think they’re… texting each other? Which you guess you can’t really criticise. It is pretty funny to watch, though, because Dave’s face is impassive except when he occasionally cracks a tiny smile, whereas Karkat visibly goes through the five stages of grief every time his phone clacks its crab claws to alert him of a new message.

ROSE: How much longer?
KARKAT: TWENTY MINUTES.
ROSE: Boooo.
KARKAT: IT’S YOUR RECIPE!
KARKAT: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO STOPPED ME PUTTING IT ON FOUR THOUSAND DEGREES.
KARKAT: IT *COULD* HAVE BEEN DONE IN FIVE MINUTES, BUT NO. YOU’RE TOO STUBBORN AND SET-IN-YOUR-WAYS TO RECOGNISE TRUE INNOVATION WHEN IT DANCES UP TO YOU IN A CODPIECE AND GLOWING LIKE A RAINBOW DRINKER.
ROSE: The oven doesn’t even go up that high, Karkat.
KARKAT: IT COULD!
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED?
ROSE: No, but I’m capable of reading the dial.
ROSE: Besides, the poor heat diffusion would burn the pie on the outside and leave it cold in the middle.
DAVE: yeah man dont you know anything about baking
ROSE: Speaking of not knowing anything about baking…
ROSE: Do you smell that, Dave?
DAVE: smell wh
DAVE: ah shit

It’s not… burnt. It is, however, fairly singed, and Dave stares at his cake with trepidation as he dons Terezi’s pink-and-green oven mitts to take it out of the oven.

KARKAT: OH LOOK, IT’S BURNT TO CINDERS. JUST LIKE YOUR HOPES OF REDEEMING YOURSELF TO ME.
ROSE: And your ego, now that Karkat’s delivered that sick burn.
ROSE: (High five.)
KARKAT: (FUCK YEAH!)
DAVE: oh shut up you know youre obsessed with me
KARKAT: NOT THE WORDS I WOULD USE.
DAVE: what would you say then
KARKAT: I’M OCCASIONALLY ANNOYED BY, BUT GENERALLY APATHETIC TOWARD YOU.
DAVE: omg really
DAVE: see rose he does care about me i knew it
DAVE: you know ive had my doubts about this bromance but i gotta say its surpassing every buddy cop movie ive ever seen
ROSE: Aw. Even Toy Story?
DAVE: rose you gotta understand
DAVE: we have to learn to be realistic in our relationship goals
DAVE: theres no such thing as a perfect bromance irl
DAVE: we could never reach as true a love as woody and buzz have
DAVE: its the platonic ideal but its just not achievable and expecting a bromance to reach that unattainable goal only puts pressure on your partner and strain on the relationship
ROSE: Oh, your relationship with Karkat isn’t the “platonic” ideal?
ROSE: Pray tell me, is it a non-platonic ideal?
DAVE: jesus christ on a stick
KARKAT: SHE’S GOT YOU THERE.
KARKAT: DAVE, TELL THE TRUTH.
KARKAT: ARE YOU… IN HUMAN GAY LOVE WITH ME?
DAVE: oh kitkat
DAVE: i dont love you
DAVE: i troll gay HATE you
KARKAT: OH EM GEE. SWOON.
DAVE: will you be my kiss mesimis
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, I WOULD HAVE, BUT YOU LOST ME AT “KISS MESIMIS”.
KARKAT: BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
ROSE: Ah, young hate.
DAVE: you know what i forgive you for rejecting me so callously
DAVE: do you want grey or red icing
DAVE: no wait
DAVE: red filling grey icing?
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO EAT THIS CAKE IN FRONT OF TEREZI.
DAVE: oh word
DAVE: so grey filling red icing then
KARKAT: SHE’S GONNA BE SO FUCKING CONFUSED.

Chapter Text

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Rose
GA: Rose Guess What
GA: Ive Done It
TT: Splendid! I never doubted you for a moment.
TT: What have you done, precisely?
GA: I Alchemised A Strong Lamp Mimicking Alternian Sunlight
GA: Its Nowhere Near As Powerful Of Course But I Think It Will Do An Ample Job
TT: I’m not sure I entirely understand.
GA: For Gardening
GA: Im Going To Grow Some Plants And Some Fruits And Vegetables
GA: Fresh Ones That Arent Alchemised
GA: Its Going To Be So Much Fun
TT: Watching grass grow?
GA: I Will Ignore Your Snide Comment And Imagine That You Are Thrilled For Me As You Should Be
TT: I am.
TT: I’m very glad you’re happy, and that we’ll have fresh produce.
TT: Just one thing.
GA: What
TT: Do you have any soil?
GA: Oh
GA: Hmm Ok That Is True
GA: Weirdly I Havent Found Anything Like That Despite The Many Unlikely Things One Tends To Discover Lying Around The Meteor As One Explores
TT: Not that it’s entirely necessary, of course.
TT: I know many plants are capable of growing in, for example, a sheet of cotton wool, provided they have an alternate source of nutrients.
TT: I just thought I’d put it out there as a concern.
GA: Wait Really
GA: Thats An Option
TT: Yes, but I think it might be even more complicated.
TT: Wouldn’t you have to hook up some kind of liquid vitamin and mineral drip?
GA: Rose
GA: Youre Talking About Fertiliser
GA: Thats So Incredibly Easy To Make
GA: And Youre A Genius
TT: I am?
GA: I Have To Go Now
GA: Talk To You Later
TT: Okay?

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

You spend entirely too long messing around in the alchemy lab with cotton fluff spheres, but it’s fine. It’s easy enough to pull them apart and tweak and resize them until you have flat sheets of various dimensions for different plants’ requirements, but you really want to somehow convert them back to their original cottonseed form. A meal-and-lime fertiliser isn’t strictly necessary, of course, but it would be a good kickstart to your new “garden”, and you would definitely feel a lot better if you had an alkaline one to complement the much more available acidic coffee-ground fertiliser you’ll be able to make.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GA: Hello Dave
TG: hey kanaya
TG: sup
GA: Not Much I Was Just Wondering How You Alchemised Caledscratch
TG: i didnt
TG: davesprite did
TG: i assume it was like timetables plus broken sword tho
TG: something like that
TG: why do you wanna to know
TG: are you gonna make a sick time travel chainsaw
GA: No I Was Actually Thinking More Along The Lines Of A Sick Time Travel Cotton Fluff Sphere
TG: ok no further questions that makes complete sense
TG: totally sane and rational thing to be doing
GA: Would You Please Come Down To The Alchemy Lab I Think I Could Use Your Help
GA: Bring Whatever You Think Maybe Be Useful In This Endeavour
TG: ok i guess
TG: see you soon
GA: Bye

--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You may as well give up on the cotton until Dave arrives. You spend several minutes using chalk to alchemise different kinds of lime, and at one point an actual citrus fruit pops out. You’re very bewildered as to how that happened, but you think you’ll mention it to Rose and Terezi – one will be as bewildered as you are, the other will get a terrific kick out of it, and they’ll both be utterly fascinated.

DAVE: kanaya my child
DAVE: the time has finally come
KANAYA: Time For What
DAVE: time to pick your fighter
KANAYA: Goodness
DAVE: yep
DAVE: of course fighter is a word which here means method you attempt to use to make cotton seeds for whatever insane reason
DAVE: ps what is all this stuff for
KANAYA: Both Agriculture And Aesthetics In Equal Measure
DAVE: ok forget i asked
DAVE: anyways yeah so i guess we can combine a cotton ball or even a whole packet of cotton balls with my timetables and see what comes out
DAVE: or i could just try to like use my powers on them?
DAVE: and make them less old?
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Can You Do That
DAVE: beats me
DAVE: but if the timetables can do it i should be able to right
DAVE: i mean i made them and i am a god of time
DAVE: theoretically i could also go back in time to whenever it was whatever part of its life cycle you want it to be i think
DAVE: not really sure how that works though so
DAVE: maybe we can do alchemy first
KANAYA: Fine By Me

The contraption produced by Timetables && Cotton Wool Ball is… well, you think it would probably work the way you want it to. That is, if you could figure out how to use it. It’s tiny, and so are whatever controls it has on it. Dave seems to be having a pretty fun time spinning the little wheel to make it grow and shrivel and revert to its budded form, but you have no actual way to extract any part of it, so… back to square one.

DAVE: cant we just
DAVE: put it to however you want it and then unalchemise it
KANAYA: Is That A Thing Thats Possible
DAVE: sure it must be
DAVE: if we just
DAVE: compare all the punchy holes and stuff
DAVE: and then
DAVE: yknow

And there you have it. It’s done. And the great thing about alchemy is you can just hull a single seed, and then duplicate it exponentially, and then pack it and store that code for when you need more. Bam. Instant fertiliser. This is fun.

KANAYA: Were Done Here
DAVE: oh damn
DAVE: already
KANAYA: Already
KANAYA: Unless You Want To Stick Around And Watch Me Dry Seeds From Various Vegetables
KANAYA: Thats The Next Phase Of This Plan
DAVE: sorry that sounds about as interesting as watching paint dry
KANAYA: Yeah Thats Pretty Much An Accurate Assessment
KANAYA: See You Later Then
DAVE: in a while crocodile

You watch him leave, for lack of anything better to do, before you captchalogue the fruits (no pun intended) of your labours and begin to make your own way up the meandering staircases towards the kitchen. You’re so absorbed in your own thoughts that you don’t realise there’s someone in the pantry until you’re at the door and inadvertently eavesdropping on the tail end of a conversation.

TEREZI: YOU’R3 L3G1T1M4T3LY JUST TH3 WORST, GOG 4LM1GHTY
TEREZI: C4N YOU L34V3 M3 4LON3 FOR F1V3 FUCK1NG M1NUT3S?
TEREZI: J3GUS FUCK1NG CHR1ST?

There’s a scuffle and a clatter and when Terezi shoves open the door, she doesn’t even notice you standing there until you’re nose-to-nose. You look around her, and there’s… no one there.

KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: Terezi Dont Take This The Wrong Way But I Think The Loneliness Of Our Trip May Be
KANAYA: Getting To You
TEREZI: WH4T?
KANAYA: Who Were You Talking To
TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU M34N, H3’S…
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: TH4T FUCK1NG CRYPT1D >:[
KANAYA: Gamzee
TEREZI: Y34H
KANAYA: That Sounded
KANAYA: Heated
TEREZI: WH4T, 4R3 YOU J34LOUS?
KANAYA:
TEREZI: 1’M JOK1NG, J3GUS!
KANAYA: Right
TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY, 1 WOULDN’T TOUCH TH4T W1TH 4 T3N-FOOT C4N3 >:[
KANAYA: I Believe You
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG H3R3, 4NYW4Y?
KANAYA: Looking For Vegetables
KANAYA: Orange Mellow Squash Perhaps
KANAYA: Or I Dont Know
KANAYA: Peas
KANAYA: Starchy Clonally Propagating Tuber Would Be Good Actually
KANAYA: And Maybe Some Little Green Trees I Havent Had Proper Fresh Greens In Ages
KANAYA: So Many Vitamins Terezi
KANAYA: So Many Natural Flavours
TEREZI: GR33N 1S TH3 MOST BOR1NG FL4VOUR >:/
TEREZI: 1 DON’T TH1NK W3 H4V3 4NY FR3SH P34S 4NYW4Y!
TEREZI: ONLY THOS3 GROSS DR1ED ON3S YOU H4V3 TO PUT 1N W4T3R
TEREZI: 4ND TH3S3 W31RD MUSHY 34RTH ON3S
KANAYA: Oh Dear
KANAYA: Terezi Those Are Meant To Be Stored Frozen
TEREZI: WH4T?
KANAYA: Thats Why They Were Cold When Dave Brought Them
KANAYA: See It Says Here
TEREZI: W31RDLY, NO, 1 DON’T S33 TH4T!
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Right
KANAYA: Its Okay I Think They Were Several Years Old When The Game Began So Please Dont Bother Yourself Over It
TEREZI: 1 W4SN’T GO1NG TO
KANAYA: I Know
KANAYA: Do You Want To Help Me
KANAYA: This Is Going To Be Pretty Messy Work
TEREZI: OH YOU KNOW 1 DO
TEREZI: YOU S41D TH3 M4G1C WORDS "M3SSY WORK" 4ND NOW 1 4M YOUR S3RV4NT UNT1L CL34NUP T1M3 WH3N 1 W1LL MYST3R1OUSLY V4N1SH N3V3R TO B3 S33N 4G41N
KANAYA: Thanks For The Heads Up
TEREZI: YOU’R3 W3LCOM3 >:]

The work of cleaning the orange mellow squash seeds goes somewhat more slowly, and a lot more messily, than it probably would have had you been working alone. You find that you don’t really mind. She seems kind of down when you’re not actively ribbing each other, and you find yourself struggling to fill the silences as much as you can. A Terezi alone with her thoughts is not a happy Terezi, in your experience. And maybe that’s a bad sign, but what can you do?

So you let her dig the seeds out with her bare claws, and dedicate yourself to pulling and wiping and rinsing and picking the pulp off them and then leaving them to dry. You’re so lost in it that you end up halfway through a pile of capsicums when you stop and actually assess the vast variety of vegetables-to-be that you’ve amassed and think yeah, okay, this is probably enough for now.

KANAYA: If I Promise You The Brightest And Most Juicy Of My First Crop Of Striped Savannah Hoofbeast Tomatoes Will You Assist In The Cleanup Effort Here
TEREZI: NOP3 >:]
KANAYA: Sigh
TEREZI: 1 W1LL DO 1T FOR FR33!
TEREZI: TH1S W4S FUN
TEREZI: SO L1K3
TEREZI: TH4NKS, M1SS GR33NGLOW
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Youre Very Welcome
KANAYA: Miss Turquoise Poise
KANAYA: Nevermind That Was Terrible
KANAYA: However Do You Think Of All These Nicknames
TEREZI: 1T’S 4 M1XTUR3 OF R4W T4L3NT 4ND D3D1C4T3D PR4CT1S3
TEREZI: WH4T T1M3 1S 1T?
KANAYA: Eleven Thirty In The Alternian Evening
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: W3’D B3TT3R M4K3 TH1S QU1CK
TEREZI: 1 TOLD ROS3 1’D COV3R H3R SH1FT SO SH3 C4N PR3P4R3
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1’M N1C3 4ND 4LSO B3C4US3 1’M 4LW4YS PR3P4R3D SO 1 DON’T N33D 3XTR4 T1ME
KANAYA: Prepare For What
TEREZI: K4N4Y4
TEREZI: W3 H4V3 4 M33T1NG TOMORROW!
KANAYA: We Do
TEREZI: YOU SHOULD R34LLY P4Y MOR3 4TT3NT1ON TO TH3S3 TH1NGS
TEREZI: SH4K1NG MY HUM4N H34D 4T YOU >:/
KANAYA: Huh
KANAYA: Hey What Are The Bets That Dave Falls Asleep This Time
TEREZI: N4H
TEREZI: H3 WON’T
KANAYA: What Makes You So Sure
TEREZI: FOR ON3 TH1NG, H3 H4SN’T B3FOR3, WHY WOULD H3 ST4RT NOW?
KANAYA: Are You Sure He Hasnt
KANAYA: I Mean Can You Ever Really Tell What Hes Doing With His Eyes
TEREZI: 1 KNOW YOU ONLY 3V3R BOTH3R3D TO OBS3RV3 ON3 OF TH3 HUM4NS, K4N4Y4, BUT 1 DO MY R3S34RCH B3FOR3 1 P1CK F4VOUR1T3S
TEREZI: D4V3 DO3SN’T F4LL 4SL33P UNL3SS H3 W4NTS TO
TEREZI: 4ND H3 USU4LLY DO3SN’T W4NT TO
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY NOT 1N 4 ROOM FULL OF P3OPL3 H3’S S3CR3TLY ST1LL PR3TTY SC4R3D OF!
KANAYA: Why Would Dave Be Scared Of Us
TEREZI: 1 DON’T KNOW, 1 N3V3R 4SK3D
TEREZI: BUT H3 1S
TEREZI: JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T!
TEREZI: H3 DO3SN’T S4Y SO
TEREZI: BUT 1 C4N SM3LL 1T >:[

You go with her when she transportalises to the roof, because, well, why not?

And then you remember who’s on watch before Rose, and oh, right, that’s why not.

VRISKA: Heeeeeeeey! Losers! Over here!
TEREZI: W3 C4N S33 YOU, 1D1OT
VRISKA: Oh, you can, can you?
TEREZI: W41T
TEREZI: FUCK
VRISKA: ::::)
TEREZI: D4MN YOU, M4RQU1S3!
VRISKA: Oh, hey, fussyfangs.
KANAYA: Dont Call Me That
VRISKA: Wh8tever. What are you two doing here? I mean, you I get, Maryam, but usually your m8tey m8 girlfriend is the one you’re trailing after when my shift ends.
TEREZI: ROS3 AND 1 SW4PP3D SH1FTS
TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU, R3M3B3R?
VRISKA: Oh, right.
VRISKA: Still doesn’t explain what SHE’S doing here, though.
KANAYA: Oh I Thought It Was Obvious
KANAYA: Terezi And I Are Matey Mate Girlfriends
VRISKA: Oh, shut up.
TEREZI: 1T’S TRU3
TEREZI: 4LL TH3 SLOPPY M4K3OUTS 4R3 B3LONG TO US >:]
VRISKA: Pfffffffft, okay.
VRISKA: What’re you doing now?
TEREZI: 1. H4V3. LOOKOUT. DUTY.
VRISKA: Not you, dummy!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I know what you’re doing!
VRISKA: I was talking to Maryam.
KANAYA: Gardening

Heaven help you, even as you’re backing toward the transportaliser she’s on your tail, clearly hell-bent on spending the next couple of hours in your company. Not if you can help it.

VRISKA: Oh, come on, if you’re n8t going to tell me, at LEAST think of a 8elieva8le lie!
KANAYA: Sorry What I Actually Mean Is Im Going To Throw Myself Off The Meteor In The Hopes That You Might Decide To Leave Me Alone
VRISKA: Nice try, sucker.
VRISKA: You see these awesome 8adass sparkly 8lue fairy wings? I can flyyyyyyyy. I’ll just go and catch you, and then you’ll have no choice 8ut to hang out with your awesome s8viour.
KANAYA: Can You Just Not
KANAYA: Why Are You Following Me
VRISKA: 8ecause I’m in such a good mood that I've magnanimously decided to grace you with my glorious presence is why!!!!!!!!
KANAYA: Ugh
VRISKA: Come onnnnnnnn.
VRISKA: Ever since the g8me started, you’ve 8een acting totally weird!
VRISKA: You used to 8e allllllll over me, and it’s now like you can’t STAND me!
VRISKA: You never even told me why!!!!!!!!
KANAYA: Im Sorry I Didnt Know I Had To Run My Every Action And Feeling By You To Keep You In The Loop
VRISKA: Look, if you got offended over something I did, you have to tell me! Otherwise, how can I tell you why I did it and why it was right?
KANAYA: Are You Serious Right Now
VRISKA: Tell meeeeeeee!
VRISKA: I deserve to know!
KANAYA: Lots Of People Deserve Lots Of Things Vriska
KANAYA: We Deserved To Win The Game
KANAYA: Our Friends Deserved Not To Die
KANAYA: Apparently Ive Done Something Awful That The Universe Has Decided Means I Deserve To Have You Following Me Like Some Kind Of Neophyte Legislacerator Determined To Turn Me Into Her Next Promotion
KANAYA: This Is Just One Of Those Times When A Thing Happens That You Have No Control Over And You Just Have To Learn To Fucking Deal With It
KANAYA: I Know You Have Very Little Experience With Just Fucking Dealing With Things So Heres A Hint
KANAYA: It Involves Letting This Topic Be
VRISKA: Fine! See if I care!
VRISKA: Pardon me for trying to mend a 8ridge that I w8sn’t the one to 8r8k in the first pl8ce!

That seems to shut her up for about thirty seconds, but alas, all good things must come to an end. When you get to the empty observatory you’ve decided to turn into your greenhouse and start decaptchalogueing the various pieces of equipment you’ve gathered, as well as your old gardening tools, she perks right back up.

VRISKA: W8, you were serious a8out the gardening thing?
KANAYA: Yes Vriska
KANAYA: I Was Serious About The Gardening Thing
KANAYA: Look If Youre Not Going To Help Then
VRISKA: I never said I wasn’t going to help!
VRISKA: What do you want me to do?
KANAYA: Just
KANAYA: Take This

You hold out a right-angled piece of metal you got from duplicating and disassembling Tavros’s four wheel device and guide her through the process of cobbling together a garden-bed-sized frame a few inches off the ground. It takes quite a bit of glue and gaffer tape to make it stop falling apart the second you look away from it, but eventually you manage to get it over a large, flat trough you brought in here a few days ago. Then it’s just a matter of pegging a sheet of cotton wadding in place and arranging the irrigation system.

Vriska wants to arrange the seeds in eight rows of eight, of course, and you might try to fight her on that under different circumstances, but she’s actually being tolerable at the moment, which is practically unheard of and clearly involves a tremendous effort on her part. So you just point out that the seeds need to be ten centimetres apart and this is a rectangular bed. You compromise on four rows of sixteen, and you each rig up a rudimentary trellis on your respective sides of the bed – hers is admittedly quite a bit shakier than yours, but you find it in your bloodpusher to forgive her for that, at least.

*

ROSE: I’m glad you decided to share this with me, Kanaya.
KANAYA: I Am Too
KANAYA: Its Only Fair Though I Mean You Helped Me Water Them
ROSE: Once. When you were too sick to leave your block.
KANAYA: You Still Did It
ROSE: Yes, well –

She's cut off when you round a corner to find your best friend brandishing two sickles and a mad clown at you, clearly having pulled them in reflex when you and Rose suddenly appeared in their stretch of corridor.

KARKAT: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WITH YOU AND SNEAKING UP ON PEOPLE, KANAYA?
KANAYA: Oh Hello Karkat
KANAYA: I Apologise For Walking Down A Hallway While Holding A Conversation At A Normal Volume And Glowing Like An Arena Stickball Arena Floodlight
KANAYA: Clearly That Was My Cunning Drinker Stealth Getting The Better Of Me My Bad
KARKAT: SHUT UP, I WAS ABSORBED IN A CONVERSATION, I CAN’T BE AWARE OF MY SURROUNDINGS EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY.
GAMZEE: HEY.
KARKAT: WHAT?
GAMZEE: i was just gonna say maybe you ought to up and put those motherfucking sickles away.
GAMZEE: DON’T WANT ANYONE TO GET MOTHER FUCKIN HURT NOW DO WE?
GAMZEE: honk.
ROSE: Please.
KARKAT: WHATEVER. BYE.
KANAYA: What Dont Go
KANAYA: We Were Just Heading Along To Try The First Harvest From My Garden
KARKAT: THE FIRST?
KARKAT: HASN’T IT BEEN LIKE TWO MONTHS?
ROSE: Six and a half weeks, actually.
KARKAT: SHOULDN’T YOU HAVE HAD A BUNCH OF STUFF FINISH GROWING ALREADY?
KANAYA: Oh Karkat
KANAYA: My Sweet Summer Wiggler
KARKAT: I’M NOT A WIGGLER, FUCK OFF.
KANAYA: Its An Expression Karkat
KARKAT: SOUNDS LIKE A DUMB EXPRESSION.
KANAYA: Regardless
KANAYA: Id Be Honoured If You Would Join Us
KANAYA: Both Of You
KARKAT: WAIT, SERIOUSLY?
KARKAT: YOU REALISE YOU’RE INVITING GAMZEE TO A PEACEABLE SOCIAL GATHERING, RIGHT?
KANAYA: Yes I Did Realise When I Said Both Of You That I Was Referring To You And Your
KANAYA: Moirail
KARKAT: ARE YOU… SURE?
KANAYA: Please Karkat Its Been Over Three Months Since I Last Seriously Threatened Gamzee With Bodily Harm
KANAYA: If I Cant Tolerate A Single Interaction With My Friends Moirail Im A Pretty Shitty Friend
KARKAT: GIVE US A MINUTE.

Karkat pulls Gamzee around the nearest corner and starts stage-whispering at him. It’s a bit longer than a minute, and you and Rose periodically glance at each other in amusement while you pretend not to hear the very audible debate they’re having.

GAMZEE: (HEY BEST FRIEND YOU KNOW I THINK SHE IS PRETTY MUCH AS TERRIFYING AS TITS.)
GAMZEE: (but she’s right. she hasn’t up and tried to hunt me round lately.)
KARKAT: (THAT’S NOT THE POINT, IF SHE’S TERRIFYING YOU, WE CAN GO.)
GAMZEE: (IT’S A MIRACLE, BROTHER.)
GAMZEE: (if she wants to make her peace she can motherfucking do it i ain’t objectifying.)
KARKAT: (OBJECTING. YOU MEAN OBJECTING.)
KARKAT: (AND STOP TALKING ABOUT HER LIKE SHE’S NOT HERE, SHE’S MY FRIEND.)
KANAYA: (Do You Think He Realises Hes Also Talking About Me Like Im Not Here)

They do come, in the end. It’s only a little further to the observatory, and you pass the rest of the morning/evening/time-a-bit-before-sleeping sampling the first harvest – mostly salad greens and other quick-growing crops.

KANAYA: The Orange Stickroots Arent Fully Matured Yet But Their Larval Form Is Quite Sweet And Delicious In My Experience
GAMZEE: oh mother fuck yes.
GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKING GIVE ME THOSE BOUNCING BABY MIRACLES.
KARKAT: WHAT’S THE MAGIC WORD, ASSHOLE?
GAMZEE: motherfucking give me those bouncing baby miracles, please.
KANAYA: Of Course
ROSE: How did you manage to find sweetpeas? I was under the impression we didn’t have any.
KANAYA: Peas And Sweets Rose
KANAYA: Peas And Sweets
ROSE: Oh.
ROSE: The second I figure out how alchemy works, it’s over for you fuckers.
ROSE: What’s that you’ve got, Karkat?
KARKAT: A RADISH, GENIUS.
ROSE: Really?
ROSE: Why is it so… blue?
KARKAT: WHAT OTHER FUCKING COLOUR WOULD IT BE?
ROSE: What does it taste like?
KARKAT: GET YOUR OWN, THEY’RE RIGHT OVER THERE.

Rose seems… pleasantly surprised, when she tries one. You’ll admit you’re watching her for her reaction a bit more closely than you would really be able to explain to anybody, but, well, who says you have to explain yourself?

ROSE: They’re so savoury.
KANAYA: Well Yes
KANAYA: What Do Earth Radishes Taste Like
ROSE: Rather sharp, in my experience. Less flavour and more bite than this.
KANAYA: Is It Not Crunchy Enough
KANAYA: Ugh I Knew I Was Overwatering Them
ROSE: No, I mean metaphorical bite. Earth radishes taste almost spicy.
KANAYA: Interesting
KANAYA: And Yet You Think They Look Similar
ROSE: Apart from the colour, it’s picture-perfect.
KANAYA: Weird
ROSE: Indeed.
ROSE: Shall we make a salad? I’m simply dying to know how everything tastes in combination.
KANAYA: Alright Then
KANAYA: Go Get Some Juvenile Little Green Trees And That Bowl Over There
ROSE: Okay.

You regret, a little bit, that what you had intended to be some quality time with your crush turned into a group hangout with two of your friends and some guy you're trying your hardest not to actively hate, but at the same time – you're glad that Karkat finally seems to believe you're okay with him and Gamzee. Maybe he'll start bringing him to group activities more often, and not leave before they're finished without your even noticing. Rose seems to understand, at least. And it makes sense, doesn't it? She knows how you feel about them both, pretty much, and she knows how much you care, how much you fucking care about your friends. You hope she realises that you care about her, too.

Chapter Text

The sheer mass of tin can clothes in Kanaya’s room is starting to get a little bit out of control. When she tells you she’s just finished the Autumn Line for Year One, you suggest that it’s probably time to actually, you know, get the clothes to their rightful place on those cold naked can bodies. So you’re in Can Town with her and Dave and the Mayor, although they’re off in the corner doing God knows what. Inspired by Kanaya’s creations, you’ve been knitting them tiny hats and scarves, but you’re happy to defer to Kanaya’s judgement on the correct accessorisation of their outfits.

KANAYA: Do You Have A Black Shawl
ROSE: I’m afraid not. How about midnight blue?
KANAYA: Hmm
KANAYA: Yes That Should Work Pass It Over
ROSE: Very chic.
KANAYA: Oh Do You Think So
ROSE: Why, yes, I do.
KANAYA: Im Quite Proud Of The Stitching On The Skirt

She holds it out to show you, and your hands touch when you take it to look more closely, because of course they do. Does she notice? She doesn’t jerk away, but you can’t meet her eyes so who knows what her face is doing.

Back to the doll clothes.

ROSE: Yes, this is very intricate.
ROSE: How did you even do this?
ROSE: How can you see it closely enough?
KANAYA: Troll Eyes Are Capable Of Zooming In And Out On Objects Like A Microscope
ROSE: Really?
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: Its A Matter Of Practice Is All
KANAYA: And Of Using A Powerful Magnifying Glass
ROSE: Oh, now the truth comes out.
KANAYA: Hey Im Only Troll
KANAYA: I Dont Have Wondrous God Powers Some Of Us Have To Rely On Material Tools
ROSE: Is that so? I wouldn’t know. How primitive.

She’s gotten pretty practiced at using human sarcasm in the time you’ve known her, and usually she’s able to deliver whatever ridiculous line she wants with a straight face, but now there’s a quirk in her lips and then you’re both smiling at each other like idiots and quite suddenly you find that your face is uncomfortably warm.

KANAYA: It's Funny
KANAYA: I Never Had Reason To Make Warm Clothes Before
ROSE: Oh?
KANAYA: I Lived In A Very Arid Place
KANAYA: I Never Really Wore Anything Warmer Than A Cotton Shirt
KANAYA: It Was Often Cold At Night But That Was When I Preferred To Sleep
KANAYA: Id Never Even Seen Real Life Crystal Flake Precipitation Until We Were Watching Your Session
ROSE: Really? Not even in movies?
KANAYA: It Was Pretty Rare On Alternia
KANAYA: Our Atmosphere Didnt Offer Nearly As Much Protection From Heat And Radiation As Yours Did So Most Places Were Quite Temperate
KANAYA: And I Never Really Made A Habit Of Watching Movies And Shows I Much Prefer Books
KANAYA: So Whatever Few Would Have Featured It I Guess Passed Me By
ROSE: Interesting.
KANAYA: Is It
ROSE: A bit. Not really, I suppose.
ROSE: I just have this habit of thinking whatever you say is the most fascinating thing I’ve ever heard.

You can practically see the gears turning in her head as she tries to parse the sincerity of that statement.

You did not mean to say that.

You desperately want to run for the hills, but the second you do, it’ll be obvious just how true it is, and then it’ll be awkward, and then you won’t be as good friends, and then you’ll have to spend all your time hanging out with Dave, whose company you enjoy in small doses and small doses only, and oh, that’s mean, you don’t mean that.

Luckily your own overthinking has masked the moment enough that it passes seemingly without Kanaya picking up on the way the lightness in the space between you has suddenly congealed and become heavy and awkward. You occupy yourself with sorting out accessories by colour, try to forget every time you've ever embarrassed yourself as they all come rushing suddenly back in a landslide of shame and bad-feeling.

*

It’s not even as though it’s that big of an issue. You know that, academically. You’ve known her for, what, half a year? She’s maybe the first friend you’ve had who actually shared interests with you. Or maybe who has a similar personality to you, so you both naturally start picking up each other’s interests. You’ve certainly been doing that, and honestly, your enjoyment of alien vampire erotica may be more ironic than hers, but it’s still very enjoyable.

Or maybe it’s that she’s the second friend you’ve found such a strong kinship with, and she’s not afraid to be sincere about her affection (unlike some people). And she's still capable of being ironic about it, too. The perfect woman.

In the end, it comes down to this: You’ve never felt this way before. This is new, and scary, and apparently five and half months is long enough to come to terms with your formerly-latent homesexuality, but somehow not long enough to figure out how to cope with a crush when you have anxiety, or how to cope with anxiety when you have a crush. Fucked up, really, but what are you going to do?

*

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Have You By Any Chance Seen A Small Angry Troll With Miniscule Horns Around This Morning
TT: I’m afraid not. Probably for the best, he sounds awful.
TT: Why?
GA: I Asked Dave And He Said He Hadnt
GA: And Then I Asked Terezi And Vriska And They Hadnt Either
GA: Id Go Check His Block But Good Lord Its A Trek When You Cant Use His Transportaliser
TT: I’m your last port of call? That stings. I’ll have you know Karkat is my sixth-closest friend, fourth if you factor in sheer metaphysical proximity.
GA: Oh Really
GA: Who Is Fifth Slash Seventh
GA: Im Assuming Gamzee Is Sixeight
TT: I counted Terezi and Vriska as the same one, they're third-fifth. Gamzee is fifth-seventh.
GA: Understandable Have A Nice Day
TT: Why are you looking for him, anyway?
GA: We Were Going To Watch Troll The Notebook And Then Human The Notebook So He Could Decide Which Was Better
TT: He probably just forgot and is too absorbed in doing the exact same thing with Love, Actually to check his messages.
GA: Okay I Know Youre Being Satirical But Thats Literally The Reason He Gave Last Time He Cancelled An Engagement With Me
TT: My god, I was being satirical, I didn’t want this.
TT: Why is he like this?
GA: Probably Because He Fears That He Will Never Be The Subject Of True Romantic Interest So He Must Submerge Himself In Idealised Fictional Accounts Of Such Relationships In Order To Give Himself More Fodder For Nightdreams About One Day Dating Someone But Then Those Unrealistic Ideals Just Make Him More Disappointed By Real Life And The Standards He Sees The Main Characters As Being Up To Just Make Him Feel Less Worthy Of Hate And Also Ironically Less Worthy Of Pity
GA: Its A Vicious Cycle
TT: ...
TT: Cold, Kanaya.
TT: I’m impressed.
GA: Oh Dear Was That Too Harsh
GA: I Knew I Shouldnt Have Said The Thing About Him Not Being Worthy Of Pity
GA: Or Any Of The Other Things
GA: Please Dont Tell Him I Said All That Hell Be Upset
GA: You Know He Thinks Hes Good At Hiding That Kind Of Thing
GA: Wait No I Have To Tell Him
GA: Dishonesty Is Never The Answer
TT: Kanaya, you’re rambling. Also, spiralling.
TT: And I believe the phrase you’re looking for is either “honesty is the best policy” or “violence is never the answer”.
GA: What
GA: Why Would I Say That
GA: Violence Is Often The Answer
TT: ...
TT: Sometimes I forget that our species have vastly different moral compasses.
GA: Thats A Very Silly Saying Rose
GA: I Mean What Was I Supposed To Do When Eridan Killed Roughly Two People And Also The Entire Hope For Our Species’ Repopulation
GA: Not Retaliating Sounds Kind Of Silly There
TT: Well, to be fair, if you’re trying to repopulate a race it’s usually not best practice to exact revenge killings.
TT: Not that I fault you, at all, especially considering his obvious disregard for life.
TT: I suppose that “violence” is the answer when the question is also “violence”.
TT: Although that only works for so long.
GA: Yes You Do Tend To Run Out Of People To Kill After A While
TT: What a hardship that must be.
GA: I Wouldnt Know
GA: Ive Got A Few Possible Victims In My Back Pocket Still
GA: Wink
TT: Oh, my.
GA: Anyways Id Better Go See If Hes In His Block I Guess
TT: Bon voyage.
GA: Bon Voyage To You Too

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

*

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: save me
TG: sos
TG: mayday
TG: this has surpassed a mayday situation rose
TG: its a definitelyday
TG: a certainday
TG: im alone in the world
TG: help me rosebi wan kenobi
TG: youre my only hope
TG: here imagine im a little hologram coming out of a robot
TG: i bet we could make that happen
TG: with the magic of alchemy
TG: roooooooooose
TG: i need youuuuuuuuu
TG: im outnumbered here
TG: im stranded with two psychos who want me to play death games
TG: probably not actual death games on account of they SWORE OFF DEATH GAMES AFTER THE DEATH TOLL MOUNTED TOO HIGH
TG: yeah im making harry potter references
TG: to one liners in the books
TG: thats how much of a desperate cry for help this is
TG: does that appeal to your wizardly sensibilities
TG: roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose
TG: lmao roose
TG: hey roose answer meeeeee
TT: I hope you know that you’re 95% of the reason people don’t like double-texters.
TG: i dont double text i
TT: You…?
TG: hang on im counting
TG: ok so you know how it goes double triple quadruple
TT: Yes?
TG: whats the word for that but twenty six
TT: ...
TT: Well, it might not be the word you’re looking for, but the one I would use is “harassment”.
TG: rude
TT: What do you want?
TG: terezi and vriska are trying to make me play death games
TT: Oh really?
TG: yeah really fuck can you not just believe me on this one
TT: Please expound.
TG: they invented a board game or a new edition of troll dnd or some shit i dont know and they want me to play it
TT: Sounds fairly benign.
TG: YEAH WELL I DONT TRUST LIKE THAT
TG: so anyway i asked karkat what kinda board games they were into and he said they used to play murder games together and that's how yknow they lost three eyes and an arm and two legs and that one girl died
TG: and based on past experience that tracks 100%
TG: remember the thing with john
TT: Yes, I remember.
TT: Hold, please.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --
TG: what
TG: come back
TG: the fuck rose we were in the middle of a conversation you dont just leave in the middle of a conversation

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TT: Is it a murder game?
GC: >:?
TT: The one you’re trying to make my compatriot play.
TT: He’s nervous.
GC: 4WWWWWW
GC: N4H W3 DON’T DO TH4T 4NY MOR3
GC: THE D34TH TOLL MOUNT3D TOO H1GH
TT: Tell me you didn’t pick that phrase up from Dave.
TT: I’m being surrounded on all sides with wizardly references and I will not stand for it. Never again.
GC: WH4T?
GC: NO 1 JUST M34NT W3 H4D TOO M4NY FR13NDS D1E WH1L3 PL4Y1NG
TT: Oh.
TT: I see.
GC: OH C4LM YOUR AGR1CULTUR4L 3ST4T3
GC: TH3 NUMB3R TH4T CONST1TUT3D “TOO M4NY” W4S ON3
GC: 4ND SH3’S F1N3 NOW!
TT: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
GC: K1ND4, Y34H
GC: 1 HAVE LOTS OF FR13NDS TH4T D13D WHO 4R3N’T F1N3, SO 4R4D14 1S K1ND OF TH3 L34ST OF MY CONC3RNS >:/
GC: L1K3 1 S41D W3 DON’T DO TH4T 4NYMOR3 4ND TH4T’S K1ND4 WHY
GC: 1 M34N TH3R3 W4S OTH3R STUFF TH4T W3NT DOWN BUT TH4T W4S TH3 M41N T4K34W4Y
GC: TH4T 4ND TH3 T4VROS TH1NG
GC: 3V3RYTH1NG 3LS3 W4S K1ND4 4N 4FT3RTHOUGHT 4FT3R THOS3
GC: K1ND OF 4N 1N3V1T4BL3 BUT ST1LL TH3OR3T1C4LLY 4VO1D4BL3 CONS3QU3NC3
GC: SO W3 DON'T FL4RP 4NYMOR3
GC: VR1SK4 H4S M4D3 WH4T SH3 T3RMS 4 “W34KS4UC3” G4M3 WH1CH M34NS TH4T 4T WORST TH3R3 W1LL B3 SOM3 M1N1M4L M41M1NG
GC: 4ND 1 W1LL B3 CLOUD1NG 1T SO 4CTU4LLY 4T WORST TH3R3 W1LL B3 PR3T3ND M41M1NG
TT: I see.
GC: NOW GO T3LL TH3 COW4RDLY COL4 COOLK1D TO JO1N US!
GC: W3 N33D 4T L34ST TWO MOR3 P3OPL3 1F NOT 4LL THR33 OF YOU
TT: What do you mean, all three of us?
GC: C3RT41N GRUMPYP4NTS3S 4R3 3NT1R3LY R3FUS1NG TO PL4Y >:[
GC: TH3 ONLY C4ND1D4T3S W3 H4V3 FOR VICT1MS 4RE D4V3 4ND K4N4Y4 4ND YOU
GC: *PL4Y3RS
GC: W3 F1GUR3D D4V3 W4S MOST L1K3LY TO 4GR33 BUT 1T S33MS W3 M4Y H4V3 B33N WRONG >:/
TT: I see.
TT: Well, you can count me in.
GC: !
TT: I’ll talk to Dave for you.
GC: >:]

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TT: Her story checks out.
TG: what
TT: You’ll be perfectly fine.
TT: I’ll be there.
TG: really
TT: Why should I let you have all the fun?
TG: idk maybe because youre a boring nerdy coward
TT: Rude and uncalled for and rather hypocritical.
TT: Besides, tabletop games were invented for the nerdy.
TG: oh shut up
TT: Is this happening now, or later?
TG: tomorrow i think
TG: but come to the library theyre making me make a character
TT: I’m busy at the moment.
TT: Have Vriska send me the rules for character creation.
TG: what no
TG: just come here
TG: the rules are really complicated and hard to understand without having them be explained to you
TT: For you, maybe.
TG: ok that was fucking unnecessary but whatever
TG: kanayas here
TG: oh actually i think shes just here to get something
TG: vriskas trying to get her to join in anyway
TG: nvm she does *not* look pleased
TG: yeah she just kneed vriska in the crotch
TG: huh i think alien girls have balls that looks painful
TG: oh shes joining anyway
TG: yo are you still there
TG: rose
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --
TG: wow not even a farewell
TG: fucking uncourteous

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

*

You've dropped your phone on your bed and started getting dressed the second he mentions that she’s there. And maybe that’s a bit pathetic, especially considering you hang out all the time.

You can excuse it because you were probably going to go anyway.

So to make up for it, you dawdle on the way there, because it’s not desperate unless you’re sprinting to get there, and also because your emotions towards seeing Kanaya tend to fluctuate wildly between "excited and anticipatory" and "dreading the worst, where the worst constitutes you being so much of a romantic fuck-up that you doom the entire timeline".

And this way you won’t be disappointed if she’s not there and Dave only said that so you’d come. Which is a distinct possibility, but probably not the case. Still, it wouldn’t do to let anyone see you looking disheveled. You have a reputation to maintain.

You go by the kitchen and text Vriska, because in all probability Dave and Terezi are entirely absorbed in what they’re doing. At least your fellow Light player can never resist a chance to tell someone else what to do.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] --

TT: I’m stopping by the kitchen on my way over. Does anyone want drinks? Snacks?
AG: Terezi says 8ring ice pops.
TT: Okay.
AG: W8!
AG: Don’t 8ring the red ones, she’ll get too distracted eating them and forget to do prep.
TT: Oh, are you her babysitter now?
TT: How sweet.
AG: Shut up.
AG: I’m just s8ying, it’s 8asically an addiction.
TT: Is it, though?
AG: Whatever.
AG: Dave wants some “real, non-shitty coffee”.
TT: Tell him we still don’t have any.
AG: I did.
AG: Eight times.
AG: Are there any of those weird green biscuits left?
TT: Two whole tins.
AG: Sweeeeeeeet.
AG: Also a pot of tea, I guess. And some chips.
TT: Alright.
TT: Anything else?
AG: Nah.
TT: See you soon, then.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] --

You put it all in your sylladex so you don’t have to worry about anything dropping or spilling, and then there’s nothing else to do except beeline for your destination.

Chapter Text

VRISKA: She’s on her w8y.
VRISKA: Meddlefangs, stop m8king that face.
KANAYA: What Face
VRISKA: The one with the…

Vriska’s “Kanaya thinking about Rose” face is incredibly bizarre and, as far as you can tell, has the same degree of accuracy as a wiggler trying to make a forgery of an artistrangler’s magnum opus. So, of course, you make sure she has as much opportunity to make it as possible, generally by acting like you have no idea what she could possibly be insinuating.

TEREZI: OH D34R
TEREZI: VR1SK4 4R3 YOU F33L1NG CONST1P4T3D?
TEREZI: ONLY YOUR F4C3 1S SO SCRUNCH3D UP 1T’S TURN1NG BLU3
VRISKA: What? No!
VRISKA: You all are the woooooooorst.
TEREZI: >:P
VRISKA: ::::P
DAVE: get a room
TEREZI: 4W, DON’T B3 L1K3 TH4T, COOLK1D
VRISKA: I mean, technically this whole la8 is kinda our room.
DAVE: oh yeah how do you figure
VRISKA: It came from OUR session, didn’t it?
VRISKA: AND we were here first, soooooo…
DAVE: didnt this bit of it used to be that really nervous rappers room
DAVE: theres a book called “the magic of confidence: how to stop hesitating and start mesmerating” in this chest
DAVE: why are we doing this here and also what the fuck does mesmerating mean
VRISKA: Nothing!
VRISKA: It’s a f8key f8ke word for l8me losers who don’t know how to 8e anything 8ut 8oring l8me cry8a8ies.
TEREZI: VR1SK4
VRISKA: Alright then, what do you think it means?
TEREZI: OH 1T’S CL34RLY 4 M4D3 UP WORD
TEREZI: 1T’S PROB4BLY S3LF PUBL1SH3D, NO 4CTU4L PROF3SS1ON4L 3D1TORTUR3R WOULD L3T TH4T THROUGH
TEREZI: BUT 1 TH1NK YOU COULD ST4ND TO NOT C4LL 4 D34D GUY 4 BOR1NG L4M3 CRYB4BY >:[
VRISKA: ...
VRISKA: Whatever.
TEREIZ: TO 4NSW3R YOUR QU3ST1ON, D4V3, Y3S TH1S 1S T4VROS’S ROOM, 4ND W3’R3 H3R3 B3C4US3 H3 H4D TH3 MOST G4M1NG STUFF S3T UP
VRISKA: Untrue, and even if it was true, that’s only 8ecause I m8de sure he was always prepared for a duel.
TEREZI: OH Y34H? 4 ROUS1NG F1DUSP4WN DUEL? 1 D1DN’T KNOW YOU PL4Y3D G4M3S FOR G1RLS, VR1SK4.
VRISKA: Every game I play is a game for girls, 8ecause I’m so clearly the 8est possi8le player that it’s o8vious the game was always predestined to 8e played specifically 8y me, and I’m a girl.
VRISKA: I’d never play Fiduspawn, though, do I look like a 8oring l8me cry–
TEREZI: >:[
VRISKA: Do I look like a total nerd????????
DAVE: (is that a trick question)
KANAYA: (It Absolutely Is)
DAVE: (ok just making sure were all on the same page)
TEREZI: (y3s w3 4r3 4ll 4w4r3 th4t h3r “m1ndf4ng c4su4l cospl4y” 1s 4bout th3 n3rd13st th1ng th1s s1d3 of th3 gr33n sun, w3 just don’t m3nt1on 1t)
VRISKA: I can hear you, Redglare.
TEREZI: WHO S4YS 1 C4R3, N3RD?
KANAYA: This Is All Very Adorable But Terezi How Do I Make My Stat Bat Stay Still
KANAYA: It Wont Let Me Edit My Ability Scores
VRISKA: Yeah, no shit. Everyone knows you keep your skittishness on the lowest number until you’re done with everything else!
KANAYA: Well Pardon Me For Wanting To Make Sure My Character Is Balanced
KANAYA: Why Would You Put It Second If Im Supposed To Do It Last
VRISKA: 8ecause I didn’t know you were totally clueless!
VRISKA: What class are you playing?
KANAYA: Frontfacing Fortification
VRISKA: That’s a tank! You don’t even need high skit for that.
KANAYA: Well I Wanted It
KANAYA: Im Playing A Speed Build
VRISKA: Oh please, like you even know what that MEANS.
TEREZI: SH3 DO3S, 1 3XPL41N3D 1T TO H3R 4ND SH3 D3C1D3ED SH3 W4NT3D TO B3 F4ST 4ND STURDY 4ND H1T H4RD
KANAYA: My Weapon Is Going To Be A Longbow Made Of Swords
DAVE: oh my god rose
DAVE: thank god youre here
DAVE: did you hear what your girlfriend just SAID
DAVE: we are all going to die

Rose scowls when Dave says “girlfriend”, but it could just be in your imagination, or she could just be scowling because of something else he said, or because it’s him saying it, so really, nothing to get worked up about. Not even that big of a deal. At all. Basically irrelevant to anything.

ROSE: It’s a game of make-believe, Dave.
VRISKA: Our weapons are going to 8e Nerf 8ullets and sticks with duct tape on them.
VRISKA: Which is totally a wiggler way to play, 8y the way.
KANAYA: Well With A Game Called Wiggler Appropriate Role Playing I Wouldnt Expect Anything Less
VRISKA: When I was a wiggler I could have totally handled a proper weapon.
TEREZI: OH R34LLY? YOU 4ND WHOS3 OPPOS4BL3 THUMBS?
VRISKA: After I pup8ted, OBVIOUSLY!
DAVE: now im imagining a baby spider vriska
DAVE: sailing out of the breeding cave on her baby spider parachute thing
DAVE: the real tragic backstory is how she was kicked out of the caverns because of her eight legs and weird eye even though those very mutations would have won her first place in the troll hunger games little league
VRISKA: ...
TEREZI: ...
KANAYA: Are You Referring To The Brooding Cavern Trials
VRISKA: If you are, I’ll have you know I passed those with flying colours. Total 8reeze.
ROSE: Is anyone going to tell me how this game works?

*

PLAYER: Vriska!!!!!!!!
CHARACTER NAME: The Larkwing Larcener
CLASS: Pickpocket Plunderess
MUSCLINESS: 2
SKITTISHNESS: 6
QUICKWITTEDNESS: 7
SNEAKLINESS: 8
FORTITUDE: 3
PRECISCITUDE: 5
CHARISMATTITUDE: 4
SAGACITUDE: 1
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Diamond die darts
POWER MOVE: All your hearts are 8elong to me!

PLAYER: Kanaya
CHARACTER NAME: Titani Trifle
CLASS: Frontfacing Fortification
MUSCLINESS: 5
SKITTISHNESS: 7
QUICKWITTEDNESS: 3
SNEAKLINESS: 2
FORTITUDE: 8
PRECISCITUDE: 6
CHARISMATTITUDE: 4
SAGACITUDE: 1
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Double Edged Bow
POWER MOVE: Ramparts Rampage

PLAYER: dave
CHARACTER NAME: sixlet ername wait fuck that’s eight ah well
CLASS: rolling pebble
MUSCLINESS: 4
SKITTISHNESS: 7
QUICKWITTEDNESS: 6
SNEAKLINESS: 3
FORTITUDE: 5
PRECISCITUDE: 2
CHARISMATTITUDE: 8
SAGACITUDE: 1
WEAPON OF CHOICE: caledsynth
POWER MOVE: anyway, heres your downfall

PLAYER: Rose
CHARACTER NAME: The Grimgaze
CLASS: Castout Coven Caster
MUSCLINESS: 1
SKITTISHNESS: 4
QUICKWITTEDNESS: 7
SNEAKLINESS: 2
FORTITUDE: 3
PRECISCITUDE: 6
CHARISMATTITUDE: 5
SAGACITUDE: 8
WEAPON OF CHOICE: The Thorns of Wigglytuff
POWER MOVE: Have-at-ya Kedavra

*

DAVE: fucking ow
DAVE: jesus vriska what the fuck
VRISKA: What????????
VRISKA: I haven’t even attacked yet!!!!!!!!
DAVE: uh yeah i should hope not considering we havent even started playing
DAVE: i just stepped on one of your stupid dice that you left scattered on the floor like fucking landmines
VRISKA: Oh, come oooooooon, you wiggler, that didn’t even hurt. It’s not like it was a d4!
DAVE: im not wearing any shoes
VRISKA: That’s your fault!
TEREZI: SORRY D4V3
TEREZI: 1 4M GO1NG TO N33D YOU TO ROLL TH4T D1C3 FOR M3
DAVE: uh ok
DAVE: six
TEREZI: OK
TEREZI: NOW R3DUC3 YOUR ST4RT1NG H1T PO1NTS BY 6 4ND M4RK DOWN D1S4DV4NT4G3 FOR YOUR N3XT SK1TT1SHN3SS ROLL
DAVE: what
DAVE: bullshit we havent even started yet
TEREZI: SORRY COOLK1D, THE D14MOND D13 D4RTS 4R3 4 L1ST3D W34PON. 1 DON’T M4K3 TH3 RUL3S!
DAVE: no duh, the spiderhag whose dice i just stepped on does
ROSE: It does seem rather unfair that Vriska got to lay booby-traps before we were aware the game had even started.
VRISKA: Well may8e you should have read the frond8ook more carefully!
TEREZI: SHUSH L1TTL3 GRUBL3TS
TEREZI: H3R HONOUR4BL3 TYR4NNY M4K3S TH3 F1N4L C4LL
TEREZI: D4V3, W3’R3 PL4Y1NG TOMORROW
TEREZI: 1F YOU T4K3 4N 8-HOUR SNOOZ34P4LOOZ4 B3TW33N NOW 4ND TOMORROW 3V3N1NG, YOU W1LL R3G41N 8D8 LOST H1T PO1NTS
TEREZI: 4ND 1F YOU DON’T R3ST, W3 H4V3 B1GG3R F1SH TO FRY, N4M3LY YOUR 3XH4UST1ON P3N4LTY
DAVE: fine
TEREZI: VR1SK4, PL34S3 R3FR41N FROM L34V1NG YOUR D1C3 ON TH3 FLOOR
VRISKA: They’re my secret weapon!!!!!!!!
KANAYA: Im On Your Team And Ive Already Stepped On Them Three Times
TEREZI: H4V3 YOU FORGOTT3N TH4T 4FT3R COMB4T YOU C4N ONLY R3G41N H4LF YOUR 3XP3ND3D 4MMUN1T1ON
TEREZI: YOU WOULDN’T W4NT TO ST4RT OUT 4T SUCH 4 GL4R1NG D1S4DV4NT4G3 WOULD YOU?
VRISKA: Ughhhhhhhh.
TEREZI: 4 PL34SUR3 DO1NG BUS1N3SS W1TH YOU, S1R S1XL3T 4ND L4DY L4RKW1NG!
DAVE: wow that name sucks
VRISKA: Oh, you’re one to talk!
DAVE: nah i mean yours is bad too but i was talking about mine
DAVE: man thats a shitty name
ROSE: At long last, the master of irony realises that his life’s work has been for naught but this: a stupid character name to make fun of his alien friends’ planet’s naming conventions.
ROSE: It’s almost, dare I say it, ironic.
DAVE: woah woah what are you talking about
DAVE: my name is so stupid and i love it
DAVE: how dare you assume im giving up on irony
ROSE: And the circle of stupidity is… ongoing, as always, until the end of time.
KANAYA: There There
ROSE: Swap teams with me, Kanaya?
ROSE: I so desperately want an excuse to attack my brother with a pretend magic wand.
KANAYA: Sorry Rose But You Are Absolutely Not Leaving Me Stuck With Him Under Any Circumstances
ROSE: Worth a try.
KANAYA: Hey Whats The Costume Situation With This Game
DAVE: the what
KANAYA: Well We Can Hardly Do This Dressed In Normal Clothes
KANAYA: That Would Ruin The Suspension Of Disbelief
TEREZI: W3LL, TH3R3’S NOT R34LLY MUCH W3 C4N DO 4BOUT 1T
TEREZI: UNL3SS YOU’R3 OFF3R1NG TO F4BR1C4T3 FOUR H1STOR1C4L F4NT4SY COSTUM3S OV3RD4Y?
KANAYA: Of Course Not My Craft Takes Time
KANAYA: But I See No Reason Why We Couldnt Have Some Fun
DAVE: are you suggesting what i think youre suggesting
KANAYA: That Depends Dave On What You Think Im Suggesting
DAVE: alchemy party
ROSE: Alchemy party?
KANAYA: Alchemy Party

*

It’s not exactly the most artistic integrity you’ve ever displayed, but that’s probably just you and your pride in your craft talking anyway. So long as everyone else is having the time of their life (which they do very much appear to be), you’ll let entertainment value take precedence over art. Just once.

Okay, you might be having the most fun of all. You will not be admitting that fact to anyone.

ROSE: Are you having fun over there?
KANAYA: This Is Pretty Much Sacrelige
ROSE: Oh, really, because it looks like you’re making armour out of fifteen different materials.
KANAYA: Im Experimenting
KANAYA: It Needs To Be Lightweight And Mobile While Still Retaining Function And Durability
ROSE: Oh, of course. Gotcha.
ROSE: Hey, help me out here?
KANAYA: What Is It
ROSE: How do I make this dress more… necromance-y?
KANAYA: Your Problem Is Its Too Much Black
KANAYA: Its Edgy And All But It Washes The Whole Look Out And Makes It Seem Tryhard
ROSE: That stings.
KANAYA: Sorry I Dont Mean To Offend
KANAYA: Actually I Dont Care If I Offend You Need To Hear This
KANAYA: Here Goes
KANAYA: Its A Bit Tacky
ROSE: My pride, Kanaya. I won't recover from a blow as cutting as this.
ROSE: What would you suggest I change?
KANAYA: Purple Is A Far More Fearsome Colour And It Makes The Look More Magical
KANAYA: Colourful Fabric Is Also Representative Of Status And Power In A Setting Such As This
ROSE: Good advice.
ROSE: I want to add some fake skulls, but we don’t seem to have any way to make such a decoration feasible. I’m certainly not skilled enough to craft one by hand.
KANAYA: This Is A Great Tragedy But You Are In Luck
ROSE: I am?
KANAYA: Rose Have You Seen The Amount Of Dead Shit In Jars Lying Around This Meteor
KANAYA: It Looks Like Daves Dream Childhood Bedroom
ROSE: Wait, are you saying it would be easier to just use real skulls?
KANAYA: That Is Exactly What I Am Saying
KANAYA: Youd Have To Find A Vertebral Specimen And Strip Its Flesh And Dry It Out But With The Use Of A Hair Dryer And Other Such Tools That Should Be Easy
KANAYA: Then Its Just A Matter Of Using An Alchemiter To Alter The Dimensions And Duplicating It Then Adding It To Your Outfit
ROSE: Kanaya, you’re a fucking genius.
ROSE: I’ll be back at some point. With bones.
KANAYA: Have Fun Dear

She’s practically sprinting out of the room, so you can be fairly sure she didn’t hear that. Then again, you’d probably rather she heard it than the other three people in the room, now directing triplet smug, knowing looks at you. Perhaps it’s time to change the subject.

KANAYA: Why Are You Here Terezi You Dont Have A Costume To Make
KANAYA: Shouldnt You Be Preparing Our Adventure
TEREZI: OH, PL34S3. 1 H4D TH4T 1N WORK1NG ORD3R B3FOR3 W3 3V3R W3NT LOOK1NG FOR PL4Y3RS!
TEREZI: 4LL TH4T’S L3FT 1S 4 F3W 4DJUSTM3NTS TO 4CCOUNT FOR P4RTY M4K3UP 4ND 3NCOUNT3R D1FF1CULT1ES, 4ND 1 C4N DO THOS3 TOD4Y.
VRISKA: Don’t change the su8ject.
KANAYA: Sorry I Wasnt Aware We Were On A Subject
DAVE: i wasnt aware you and rose were at a friendship slash relationship level where you call each other dear but here we are
KANAYA: Oh Really Where Are We Dave
DAVE: i dont fucking know why dont you tell me
TEREZI: H3Y P4SS M3 TH4T SH1RT COOLK1D
DAVE: what no you cant have my cool sexy bard top
DAVE: youll slobber on it
TEREZI: W3LL 1T 1S NOT MY F4ULT YOU M4D3 4 SH1RT WH1CH 1S SO S3XY 1T M4K3S M3 DROOL!
DAVE: fair point wait a minute is this a distraction im trying to interrogate my future sister in law here
TEREZI: NO 1 JUST N33D TO S33 TH3 SH1RT YOU C4N K33P QU3ST1ON1NG TH3 SUSP3CT
DAVE: you need to what now
TEREZI: 1 N33D TO SM3LL THE SH1RT >:O
VRISKA: Funny, that’s not what I heard.
KANAYA: I Too Heard A Different Sentence Exit Terezis Tongue Shelf
TEREZI: YOU 4LL H34RD R1GHT, 1 W4S PL4Y1NG M1ND G4M3S!
TEREZI: TH3 S3NS3-B4S3D S3M4NT1CS W3R3… 4 D1ST4CT1ON >:D
DAVE: oh for the love of jegus
TEREZI: WH1L3 YOU BULL13S M4D3 FUN OF MY D1S4B1L1TY–
DAVE: now youre not even trying to be believable
TEREZI: –1 H4V3 M4D3 4 COOLK1D’S OUTF1T 3V3N COOL3R!
TEREZI: B3HOLD. 4 S1MPL3 FLOUNCY G1RLY BLOUS3 1S NOW 4 FLOUNCY H1STOR1C4L UND3RSH1RT WH1CH FUNCT1ONS 4S 4 R3GUL4R SH1RT FOR 4NY S3LF-R3SP3CT1NG F4UX-H1STOR1C4L F4NT4SY MUS1C M4N!
KANAYA: I Dont Know Why It Took Me This Long To Consider Dave In A V Neck But Now I Do Have To See It
KANAYA: Put It On
DAVE: what no that thing looks like it was made by a blind girl who gets off on humiliating me
DAVE: oh wait
VRISKA: Looks like Terezi raised a quitter.
VRISKA: It’s okay, we understand. They can’t all turn out to 8e Johns!
TEREZI: D4V3
TEREZI: WHY WON’T YOU W34R MY SH1RT?
TEREZI: 1 M4D3 1T FOR YOU >:[
TEREZI: DON’T YOU L1K3 1T?
DAVE: oh come on
TEREZI: YOU’R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 M3 CRY, D4V3 STR1D3R
VRISKA: Wow, what an asshole.
KANAYA: Making A Blind Girl Cry Dave Really You Should Be Ashamed
DAVE: jesus fuck whatever
DAVE: this is peer pressure

Terezi is squinting at Dave behind her glasses as he ducks behind an alchemiter to change (Vriska, of course, does not let him do this without a certain amount of verbal humiliation). It’s hard to tell what Terezi can smell even with only a couple of meters’ distance – you think she’s probably trying to gauge whether you’ve all gone a little too far, but even with two working eyes it’s hard to see through his poker face. She might have better luck than you, or maybe she can barely even tell where he is.

You have to admit, as he steps out awkwardly, that it’s a good – if not altogether very Dave-y – look. Which can mostly be attributed to the shirt itself – you’ll never fail to fall for anything with puffed sleeves – but the rip in the collar and crude string laces Terezi added do make it look more… old-fashioned. Even if her alterations are painfully off-center. You’re reminded that LARPing was one of Terezi’s favourite hobbies for the better part of her life, and of all the fantasy costumes you helped your friends fabricate, back in the day. And then Vriska whistles obnoxiously, which snaps you right out of your nostalgic funk. Everybody say thanks, Vriska.

VRISKA: Damn, coolkid. You DO clean up well!
VRISKA: I’m almost not em8arrassed to 8e seen with you right now.
DAVE: i look gay can i take it off now
TEREZI: 1F TH4T’S WH4T YOU R34LLY W4NT TO DO TH3N GO R1GHT 4H34D >;]
DAVE: ugh never mind
TEREZI: 1’M JUST K1DD1NG, CH3RRY BOMB
TEREZI: 1T DO3S SU1T YOUR CH4R4CT3R THOUGH
DAVE: yeah because sixlet ername is a troll so hes all like "whats a homosexual i love all the lords and ladies"
TEREZI: ...
DAVE: its ironic
KANAYA:
DAVE: because im not gay but he is
VRISKA: ........
DAVE: why do i have to explain this to you why can you accept that his name is ironic but not that his sexual identity is whatever happened to freedom of fucking expression
KANAYA: Arent You Glad Rose Isnt Here To Witness This
DAVE: in fucking credibly glad like you have no idea im like a goddamn cling wrap manufacturer thats how glad i am
DAVE: im like a glade of trees but with the e knocked off
ROSE: Good to hear you value my absence so.
DAVE: FUCK jesus christopher
DAVE: kanaya you are un fucking friended
KANAYA: Worth It

Rose high-fives you on her way to sit next to you and sets down an emaciated, mostly-fleshless skull. Dave settles back down across from you, apparently torn between sulking and getting up close and personal with said skull.

Well, if one good thing came out of the last couple of minutes, it’s that he seems to have forgotten he’s wearing the shirt he found so objectionable. You decide that embarrassing him any further will only lead to him being too self-conscious to wear it during the game, and sacrifice instant gratification this once. Oh, the hardships you suffer being unable to make snarky comments.

ROSE: I was lucky. The one of the first rooms I found appeared to have been the site of some kind of struggle or tantrum.
ROSE: I found this lying in a pile of shattered glass and dried-out ectoslime.
ROSE: It should be much quicker to prepare it than a freshly pickled one, since most of the flesh is already stripped and shrunken.
DAVE: eugh
DAVE: how fucking old is that
KANAYA: Less Than Half A Sweep I Would Have To Imagine
KANAYA: Unless Someone Else Used This Meteor Before Karkat Did
KANAYA: Which I Suppose Is A Possibility
KANAYA: But Thats About When Our Game Started So
DAVE: youre gonna have a hell of a time degreasing it the ectobrine probably seeped all the way in
ROSE: Degreasing?
DAVE: dont you know anything about cleaning bones
DAVE: i thought you two were the team goths
KANAYA: Whats A Goth
DAVE: you
KANAYA: In That Case Yes I Suppose I Am The Team Goth
ROSE: Oh, please. I hardly think you’re any kind of expert on the subject either.
ROSE: Didn’t you buy most of your specimens off eBay?
DAVE: first of all
DAVE: keyword “most” i did fix up a few of them myself
DAVE: second of all im more of an expert than you who just had this idea fifteen fucking minutes ago
DAVE: i have on occasion researched this shit
DAVE: youre supposed to soak em in soapy water for like a week
DAVE: to get the lipids out or something idk
DAVE: and then you bleach em
ROSE: Well, we don’t have a week.
DAVE: then i guess your bones are gonna be fucking greasy
DAVE: shrug
ROSE: Well, I suppose if we continue the game past one session, there will be plenty of time for alterations.
KANAYA: Im Compiling Notes On Ways Each Of Your Costumes Require Improvement As We Speak
DAVE: theres the ragripper we all know and hold a level of respect that could arguably qualify as fear for

Chapter Text

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] opened private game TH3 CURS3 OF R3N3W4L --

-- GC added players arachnidsGrip [AG], turntechGodhead [TG], tentacleTherapist [TT], and grimAuxiliatrix [GA] to game --
GC: /setCharacterName tentacleTherapist=”Grimgaze”
GC: /setCharacterName arachnidsGrip=”Larkwing Larcener”
GC: /setCharacterName turntechGodhead=”Sixlet Ername”
GC: /setCharacterName grimauxiliatrix=”Titani Trifle”
-- GC opened session in game TH3 CURS3 OF R3N3W4L --
GC: TH1S W1LL B3 OUR PR1M4RY COMMUN1C4T1ON M3THOD 1N-G4M3 S1NC3 TH3R3 M4Y B3 T1M3S WH3N TH3 T34MS 4R3 SPL1T UP 4ND 1 N33D TO SP34K TO 4LL OF YOU 4T ONC3, 4ND 4LSO 1T C4N S3RV3 4S 4 R3CORD OF WH4T H4S H4PP3N3D
GC: 1T 4LSO M34NS 1 G3T TO B3 4N OMN1POT3NT VO1C3 1N YOUR H34DS >:]
-- turntechGodhead [TG] [SIXLET] joined session --
TG: oh were doing that again are we
GC: OH DON’T PR3T3ND W3 D1DN’T H4V3 FUN
TG: yeah ok i will say its a nostalgia trip
GC: YOU KNOW 1T!
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] [LARKWING] joined session --
AG: Grooooooooss.
AG: Let’s start already!!!!!!!!
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] [GRIMGAZE] joined session --
TT: Seconded. We only have a few hours before Dave’s lookout shift begins.
GC: 1S T1T4N1 H3R3?
TG: who
AG: Kanaya, idiot!
AG: She’s here, she’s just messing with her armour. I’ll get her online.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] [TITANI] joined session --
GA: Terezi Please Call Off Your Vriska
GC: K4N4Y4 PL34S3 4RR1V3 PUNCTU4LLY
GA: My Apologies I Didnt Realise Id Lost Track Of Time
GA: Wait How Can I Arrive On Time When We Arent In The Same Room
GC: 4RR1V3 1N TH3 M3MO ON T1M3, J33333333Z!
GA: Okay Jeeeeeeeez
GA: Ooh That Is Fun Perhaps Vriska Does Have The Right Idea
AG: I alw8ys have the right ideas. Allllllll of them.
GC: OK4Y OK4Y SHUT UP! >:]
GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY?
AG: Yes!!!!!!!!
GC: SHH TH4T W4S 4 RH3TOR1C4L QU3ST1ON, YOU DON’T G3T 4 S4Y
GC: L3T TH3 G4M3 B3G1N
TG: and may the odds be ever in your favour

*

The game has not yet begun. Dave is twisting random knobs on his “weapon” to make it emit horrible tinny beeping noises.

TT: Are you done pretending to pretend to tune your keytar? Can we start the game?
SIXLET: ok first of all its a synth and second of all how can you expect me to go hunt a fucking dragonsnake or whatever with an untuned caledsynth
SIXLET: honestly its like you arent even trying to immerse yourself in the fantasy
TT: First of all, you can’t tune a synth or a keytar, and second of all, it’s a wyrm.
SIXLET: what dude no
SIXLET: im not killing a worm those are good for the soil honestly rose dont you know anything
AG: Hurry up and get in character! I’m 8ored of listening to this!
AG: And also, you’re meant to toggle 8etween pl8yer and PC to show whether you’re talking in character or not, dum8ass.
SIXLET: ok whatever lets go destroy the ecosystem for fun and profit
GRIMGAZE: Don’t you mean for fun and.............................................
SIXLET: prophet
GRIMGAZE: ....................................
SIXLET: prophet
GRIMGAZE: ........................
SIXLET: prophet then shades
GRIMGAZE: ...................
SIXLET: prophet
GRIMGAZE: ..........
SIXLET: prophet/shades lets go
GRIMGAZE: .....
GRIMGAZE: ....
GRIMGAZE: ...
SIXLET: oh my fucking god
GRIMGAZE: ..
GRIMGAZE: .
GRIMGAZE: Prophet.

You hold out your hand, and Dave obligingly passes his sunglasses. You put them on your own face for a few triumphant seconds until he starts making grabby hands to get them back.

GC: C4N W3 PL34S3 JUST PL4Y TH3 G4M3
GA: Motion Seconded
TT: My apologies. Let’s begin.
GC: OUR STORY B3G1NS 1N 4 L4ND MUCH L1K3 OUR OWN, [3XC3PT NOT R34LLY B3C4US3 OUR L4ND 1S 4 M3T3OR L4B FLY1NG THROUGH TH3 FURTH3ST R1NG 4ND TH3 STORY 1S ON 4 PL4N3T 1N 4 SOL4R SYST3M 1N 4 UN1V3RS3], ON TH3 OUTSK1RTS OF TH3 C4P1T4L C1TY OF 4 FL3DGL1NG 3MP1R3
GC: TH1S C4P1T4L 1S KNOWN F4R 4ND W1D3 4S “TH3 C1TY OF LOST SOULS”, SO GR34T 1S TH3 YOUNG 3MPR3SS 4ND SO BR1LL14NT H3R GLORY!
GC: W3 L34V3 TH1S C1TY’S W4LLS ON 4 TYP1C4L N1GHT, SO TYP1C4L ON3 M1GHT C4LL 1T “BOOOOOOOOR1NG”...
AG: (Is that my cue?)
GC: (Y3S! >:O)
AG: (Ahem.)
AG: 8ooooooooring!
GC: BUT 4LL TH4T 1S 4BOUT TO CH4NG3!
GC: W3 ZOOM 1N ON TH3 3NTR4NC3 TO 4 C4V3RN, TH3 HOM3 OF 4 F34RSOM3 CR34TUR3 WH1CH H4S PL4GU3D TH3 C1T1Z3NS 4ROUND 1T FOR P3R1G33S.
GC: 4ND 4BOUT TO 3NT3R TH3 C4V3, W3 F1ND 4 P41R OF S1MPL3 M3RC3N4R13S, JUST TRY1ING TO G3T BY ON SK1LLS 4ND K1LLS!
GC: …
GC: >:?
GC: D4V3 4ND ROS3 TH1S 1S YOU! DO SOM3TH1NG!
TT: Please refer to us by our team name.
GC: WH4T S3R1OUSLY >:O
GC: YOUR N4M3 1S L4M3! 1T SHOULD B3 SOMETH1NG COOL 4ND B4D4SS 4ND ONLY ON3 WORD, L1K3 CH4RG3!
AG: Or Scourge!!!!!!!!
SIXLET: fuck you our name is awesome
TT: Also, we couldn’t agree on any more appropriate alternative.
GC: 4LSO D4V3 YOU’R3 SUPPOS3D TO TOGGL3 YOUR H4NDL3 WH3N YOU’R3 OUT OF CH4R4CT3R!
SIXLET: im not out of character
SIXLET: sixlet ername is saying this
SIXLET: and that
SIXLET: and that
SIXLET: and th
GC: JUST DO 1T!
SIXLET: will you call us by our team name
GC: F1N3!
TG: okay then
GC: T34M FR3UD W4S G4Y TH1S 1S YOU
SIXLET: wait what are we doing
GRIMGAZE: If you’re done beIng “meta”, Ername, I’d lIke to get paId sometIme In the near future.
SIXLET: oh right yeah that
GRIMGAZE: Ras’lIgeth below, I don’t care If I dIe wIthout you. ThIs partnershIp Isn’t goIng to last long unless you start pullIng your weIght.
SIXLET: ok first: you would die without me therefore im keeping you alive just by beeing here so hows that for pulling my weight
SIXLET: or should i say carrying up to 5000 times my weight
SIXLET: get it because ants are really strong and
GRIMGAZE: I can’t handle the puns, I thought I could handle them but I was wrong, I was so wrong.
GRIMGAZE: I'm not sure most of them even qualIfy as puns at thIs poInt.
SIXLET: second can we maybee not start out by invoking the names of antcient eldritch cave gods probably slumbering directly below us
GRIMGAZE: You’ve done your reading? I’m Impressed. QuIte a change of pace, It would seem.
SIXLET: i havent done any reading im illiterate that was an educated guess
GRIMGAZE: I dIdn’t know uneducated people could make educated guesses.
SIXLET: the classism holy shit
SIXLET: i forgot you were a disgraced noble
SIXLET: anyways just cause i cant read doesnt make me uneducated damn
SIXLET: school of fucking life bro ever heard of it
GRIMGAZE: I am not your brother, and the “School of LIfe” Is a farcIcal term used by degenerates who wIsh to pretend, In the most obvIous way possIble, that they are worthy of attentIon from the lIkes of me.
SIXLET: whoops sorry guess ill leave and we can both get dragged into hell by contract demons how does that sound
GRIMGAZE: Enough. We will do battle, we will retrieve our prize, we will obtain our payment, and then we will continue on our quest.

The mouth of the cave is just a corridor that winds on for a minute or two before opening into another room, but there’s medieval-looking torches lining the walls and the floor is covered in bits of space rock and dead leaves generously supplied by your resident gardener. You weren’t there for the decoration of this room – Terezi had banned everyone except the Mayor from this area of the meteor to keep up the mystery. The effect is a lot more intense and realistic than you had expected.

In front of you, Dave has grabbed one of the torches and is waiting at the next corner. You catch up to him as stealthily as you can – it’s unsettling how quickly and silently he can move, really, he’s even worse than Kanaya. You almost cross your eyes and tune into the Light to decide your next move, and then you remember that that’s not how this works.

TT: Can I cast a spell?
GC: 1 SUPPOS3 TH4T D3P3NDS ON WH4T TH3 SP3LL 1S, 4ND 4LSO ON WH3TH3R YOU H4V3 M4G1C4L POW3RS OR NOT >:P
TT: I’d give up on that career in comedy if I were you. It doesn’t suit you.
GC: YOU SHOULD B3 N1C3R TO YOUR CLOUD3R, GR1MG4Z3.
GC: YOU N3V3R KNOW WH4T T3RR1BL3 R3V3NG3 SH3 M1GHT D3C1D3 TO THROW 4T YOU!
TT: Oh, please, you have too much integrity for that.
GC: DO 1, THOUGH?
GC: DO 1?
GC: 4NYW4Y WH4T DO YOU W4NT TO C4ST
TT: Erudite’s Ectype. “The caster of this spell can target a space of up to ten metres cubed within a 1-kilometre radius and create a live replication of whatever is happening in that space, now or at a specific time within the past year. This effect has no sound but is visible to anyone in the caster’s presence, and lasts for twenty seconds.”
GC: HUH
GC: OK4Y!

Terezi had explained the concept of flapstractions, the peculiar form of semi-physical augmented reality the trolls were all varying degrees of familiar with. Vriska had even provided a demonstration, fiddling with her own heavily-modded, custom-made stat bat until it produced a shivering, translucent cutlass. She had picked it up, swung it around, even let you and Dave and Kanaya hold it.

Nothing could have prepared you for the way the ceiling comes alive as scores of tiny pixelated creatures wake simultaneously, swarming down to the air around you and Dave until suddenly, they’re not what you’re looking at anymore, because now you’re looking at the image they’re projecting – two figures conferring behind a column, and beyond that column, your quarry.

SIXLET: holy shit
GRIMGAZE: I’ll take that as a complIment.
SIXLET: shut up
GRIMGAZE: Well, we can’t just let them get away wIth our prIze lIke that.
GRIMGAZE: Are you comIng?
SIXLET: ok lets approach
GRIMGAZE: App-roach?
SIXLET: ex fucking actly

There is absolutely no forethought put into your plan of “run into the next room and attack the first thing you see”. Perhaps, in hindsight, there should have been.

GRIMGAZE: Azarath metrIon zInthOH FUCK!
SIXLET: THIS WASP A TERRIBULLANT IDEA
GRIMGAZE: WASP??
SIXLET: WAS
WYRM: AUGHPTHSSSSSSS!
TRIFLE: Ohh Dearr…
LARKWING: WeLL, thIs Is… uNexpected.
TRIFLE: Youu Dontt Sayy
LARKWING: shouLd we, LIKe, heLp them?
SIXLET: BUG OFF FLEAVE GOT THIS
GRIMGAZE: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE SAYING, SIX!
TRIFLE: Dontt Youu Meann… Whatt Hess…
TRIFLE: Membranewingg
LARKWING: WhAt?
TRIFLE: Youu Knoww… Likee Howw Somee Insectss Havee Membranouss Wingss…
LARKWING: I… guess?
TRIFLE: Lookk Itss Hardd To Thinkk Of Goodd Insectt Relatedd Punss Onn Thee Flyy
TRIFLE: Ohh Theress Onee
GRIMGAZE: SORRY, CAN YOU JUST GIVE US A MOMENT?
TT: I cast Stasis Wave on the wyrm.
GC: OH YOU DO, DO YOU?
GC: M4K3 4 S4G4C1TUD3 3NCH4NT4T1ON ROLL

You do as you’re told, waving your wands at the monster to emit a wave of glitter and stat gnats, which fall to the ground to display the results of rolling two eight-sided dice: snake eyes.

TT: Well, fuck.
GC: Y34H, 1’D 4SK WH4T YOUR MOD1F13R 1S BUT 1T WON’T M4K3 4 D1FF3R3NC3
GC: TH3 SP3LL F41LS!
GRIMGAZE: Oh no.
GC: MY TURN >:]

The wyrm lunges at you, which is an odd sensation considering that the teeth it bites into your arm with aren’t actually there, but also kind of are? A glance at your stat bat tells you your health has dropped by 4 points.

TT: Terezi.
GC: Y3S?
TT: Why is my Fortinbar flashing yellow?
GC: OH TH4T? TH4T WOULD B3 B3C4US3 OF THE PO1SON
TG: dont you mean venom
GC: 4CTU4LLY D4V3 I M34N PHYS1OLOG1C4L D4M4G3 4DM1N1ST3R1NG D3F3NS1V3 OR 4GGR3S1V3 TOX1C S3CR3T1ON
GC: BUT 1 W4S TRY1NG TO S4V3 T1M3
TG: fair point
GRIMGAZE: SIxlet, we have a problem.
TG: whats the sleep spell called
GC: >:/
GC: DO YOU M34N W1GGL3R’S R3POS3 OR N4P OF TH3 D4MN3D?
TG: second one
TG: i cast that on the thing
GC: V3RY SP3C1F1C
TG: thanks i do my best
GC: ROLL FOR CH4R1SM4TT1TUD3 3NCH4NT4T1ON THEN
GC: 4ND TRY TO DO B3TT3R TH4N YOUR T34MM4T3 H3R3 >:]

It’s rather infuriating to see the stat gnats emitted by Caledsynth landing on a double eight, causing the wyrm to topple over, unconscious.

GC: 4H4H4H4H4H 4H4H4H4 H4H4H4H4H 4H4H4H4H4HH4H4 H4H4H4H4 H4H4H4 H4H4H4HH4 H4H44HH4H4H 4H4H4 4H4H4H4 H44H4 4H44H4 4H4H4 4H44H4H44 4H 4H4H4H
SIXLET: i see no problem
GRIMGAZE: Shut up and fIx my arm.
SIXLET: the venom or the blood
GRIMGAZE: The venom, although both would be preferable.

Your health bar stops flashing, at the cost of about four hundred points of psychic damage attained from listening to the high-pitched jingle Dave plays in order to cast a healing spell.

TRIFLE: I Dontt Meann To Buttt Inn…
TRIFLE: Butt… Whatt Aree Youu Twoo Prissyy Simpletonss Doingg… Inn A Dangerouss Placee Likee Thiss
LARKWING: AsIde from tryING to steAL our thuNdeR, thAt Is!
GRIMGAZE: I don’t mean to repeat what you just saId In such a way as to make you feel stupId, but what are you two squashable commoners doIng In a dangerous place lIke thIs?
GRIMGAZE: AsIde from tryIng to steal our bounty, that Is.
SIXLET: (why)
SIXLET: (why would you tell them about the bounty)
SIXLET: (now theyre gonna try and take it)
GRIMGAZE: (Uh.)
GRIMGAZE: (Because I’m an IdIot?)
SIXLET: (you dont say)
LARKWING: ARe you doNe whIsperING?
TRIFLE: Nott Suree Iff Youree Awaree… Butt Thee Bountyy Isntt Exactlyy Privilegedd Informationn
TRIFLE: Andd… Itss Hardlyy Yourss… Iff We Gott Heree Firstt
LARKWING: yeAh. thANKs foR KnocKING it out foR us, thouGh!
SIXLET: i beg the fuck your pardon
SIXLET: you lot were just sitting here like ants on a log you hadnt even attacked it yet
LARKWING: ANts oN A LoG?
SIXLET: look its taking me a beetle to get used to the bug puns i havent quite got the hang of it yet
SIXLET: beetle as in bit dont even start with that one i know it was weaker than uh
SIXLET: daddy long legs venom
SIXLET: look if you dont make a move on your prey then you have no better claim than anyone else
LARKWING: Is thAt so?
LARKWING: tItANI, whAt ARe youR thouGhts oN thIs?
GA: Im Going To Make A Melee Attack On The Dyrtsquyrmer Now
AG: Please tell me you understand that “dyrtsqurymer” is NOT to “dirtsquirmer” as “wyrm” is to “worm”.
GA: I Do Actually Understand That Vriska
GA: It Was A Joke
AG: Oh.
AG: Dum8 joke.
GC: HURRY UP 4ND ROLL 1F YOU’R3 GO1NG TO 4TT4CK!

Despite your many assurances to your brother that the weapons you used in the game would be perfectly harmless, Kanaya’s longbow looks… rather intimidating. It does not stop being intimidating as she folds the blades forwards to form a kind of giant katar and hacks into the wyrm. Then she stands back up, taps away at her stat bat, and the the stat gnats from her ranged attack belatedly drop to the ground.

GA: Thats A Twenty
AG: W8y to go!
GC: HMMM… W3 M1GHT W4NT TO R3TH1NK TH3 W4Y M3L33 COMB4T 1S CURR3NTLY FUNCT1ON1NG. K1ND OF H4RD TO F1GUR3 4 W4Y TO M4K3 4 MUND4N3 W34PON W1THOUT 4MMUN1T1ON G3N3R4T3 4 V1SU4L 3FF3CT, BUT…
AG: Yeah, that was 8oring.
LARKWING: Still pretty cool, though, I guess.
TRIFLE: Thankss
LARKWING: I mean, I still think you should have put your seven on muscliness instead of skittishness.
TRIFLE: Yourr Voicee Soundss… Strangee
LARKWING: What?
TRIFLE: Aree Youu Quitee Alrightt… Misss Larcenerr…
LARKWING: Oh.
AG: Shut up!!!!!!!! I touched the toggle 8utton accidentally!
GC: H4H4 NOOB
AG: Kanaya’s the noo8!
GA: Are You Quite Sure About That
GA: Because As I See It I Wasnt The One Who Made A Rookie Error
TG: get rekt scrub
TT: Poor Vriska… humili8ed on her home turf… there’s no coming back from this.
AG: Don’t use 8s!!!!!!!! That’s MY thing!!!!!!!!
TT: This is a ver8al convers8ion.
AG: I can tell when someone is stealing my gimmick!
GC: L3T TH3 R3CORD SHOW TH4T VR1SK4 C4N’T 3V3N PL4Y H3R OWN HOM3BR3W 34SYMOD3 V3RS1ON OF FL4RP PROP3RLY
TT: Well, that’s not fair. This has an entirely different and far more streamlined ruleset compared to what I know of FLARP.
TG: its still troll dnd though
TT: I mean, no?
TT: Dungeons and Dragons is a very specific game with a specific subculture and mechanics. They can’t both be troll D&D.
TT: I mean, FLARP absolutely is. This is more like… troll Call of Cthulu, maybe? At least in terms of its more simplified rules.
TG: troll call of cthulu huh
TG: bet youd know a lot about that
TT: I’ve played a few games in my time.
GC: OF HUM4N “H41L TO TH3 HORRORT3RRORS”, OR 4 F3W G4M3S 1N G3N3R4L?
AG: How did you even make that connection?
GC: 1 D1D 4 SHORT HTTH C4MP41GN W1TH F3F3R1 4ND N3P3T4 4ND 4R4D14 4 COUPL3 SW33PS 4GO
GC: 4ND ON3 OF TH3 MOST W3LL-KNOWN L3SS3R 3NT1T1ES 1N TH4T G4M3’S LOR3 1S FLUTHLU, TH3 B4ST4RD SP4WN OF CTHULU
TT: Indeed.
TT: I fear we’ve gotten somewhat off-track, however.
GC: OH Y34H TH3 TH1NG 1S D34D
GC: T1T4N1 CHOPP3D 1TS H34D OFF
GC: YOU 4LL G41N 4 M1LL1ON XP 4ND 4SC3ND TO L3V3L 16777216
GC: [NOT R34LLY THOUGH]
GC: WH4T DO YOU DO N3XT?
GA: Im Taking My Prize
GC: OK4Y, TH3N DO 1T!
GC: DON’T JUST ST4ND 4ROUND, TH1S 1S L4RP!
GA: You Asked What I Was Going To Do
GC: TOUCH3

Kanaya kneels to pick up the flapstraction projecting the wyrm’s severed head. All very well, but you can’t be having that.

GRIMGAZE: I wouldn’t touch that If I were you.
TRIFLE: Ohh… Whyy Nott
GRIMGAZE: Because my colleague and I wIll be the ones collectIng the bounty, and If you try to stop us, we wIll be oblIged to use force.
TG: (use the force luke)
LARKWING: I’d LIKe to see you tRy.
GRIMGAZE: Oh, pet. You’ll certaInly be seeIng somethIng.
TT: I cast Vision of Doom on Vriska.
GC: HMMMM
GC: VR1SK4?
AG: Yeah, no.
AG: My Skit is higher than yours ::::)
GC: SORRY M1STR3SS MYST1QU3, SH3 G3TS TO GO F1RST
TT: You’re not sorry.
GC: 1’M SUP3R NOT >:]

You’re distracted from this conversation by a dice being thrown at your head.

GRIMGAZE: Ow!
LARKWING: you sNooze, you Lose, bAbe.
LARKWING: Lose bLood, thAt Is.
AG: I got a seventeen on the preciscitude roll and a six for damage.
GRIMGAZE: …
GRIMGAZE: Then, you have chosen Death.
SIXLET:
LARKWING:
TRIFLE: I Justt… Cantt Gett Overr The Glitterr
GRIMGAZE: Azarath metrIon ZINTHOS
TG: hey why does that phrase sound so familiar
TT: Think about it.
TG: OH
TG: lmao wow rose thats so raven
GC: >:?
GC: PS L4LOND3 4R3 YOU ST1LL C4ST1NG V1S1ON OF DOOM?
TT: Yes.
TT: And that roll is a twenty-one.

Vriska falls to the ground, covered in glitter and frothing at the mouth. It’s a very convincing performance, and you feel rather alarmed for a second until you realise that no, she’s not actually having a seizure. Then Kanaya unceremoniously unstoppers a small glass bottle and pours a die directly into Vriska’s mouth.

LARKWING: ptheh!
GC: 4 C-GR4D3 COND1T1ON4L CUR4T1V3 CONCOCT1ON?
GA: Yes
AG: That’s a five.
GC: WH1CH 1S 3NOUGH TO CUR3 YOU OF TH3 THR4LL, BUT NOT TH3 M3NT4L 4ND 3MOT1ON4L WOUNDS >:P
LARKWING: yeAh, I’m pRetty much scARRed foR LIfe.
GRIMGAZE: Ername, heal me.
SIXLET: nah
GRIMGAZE: I beg your pardon?
SIXLET: youre not my queen bee
SIXLET: also i just healed you like three minutes ago its not my fault youre an impulsive backpfeifengesicht
GRIMGAZE: That stIngs.
SIXLET: like a bee yeah
SIXLET: it also floats like a butterfly jsyk
GRIMGAZE: FIne, I’ll heal myself.
TRIFLE: Noo Youu Wontt…
TRIFLE: Illl Heall Youu
LARKWING: hey! you dIdN’t eveN heAL me pRopeRLy!
TRIFLE: Ill Heall Youu… Forr Negativee Healthh

She’s awfully fast converting that weapon for someone who just invented it two days ago. Perhaps this is why you fail to dodge the suction-cup arrow she fires (or, to be more precise, throws) at you.

GC: H4H4 DON’T 3V3N BOTH3R ROLL1NG 4TT4CK ON TH4T YOU H4D TH3 3L3M3NT OF SURPR1S3
GA: Okay
GA: Six Points Of Puncture Damage
GRIMGAZE: Ack!
GRIMGAZE: SIxlet, I’m dangerously low on health at the moment, just for your… InformatIon.
SIXLET: oh bugger this
SIXLET: fine
TG: i cast royal jelly on my water pouch
GC: OK4Y
GC: DR1NK TH3 D1C3, PROPH3T3SS >:]
TT: Do I want to know where it’s been?
TG: literally nowhere dude i made them this morning
TT: …Fine.

You take a mouthful of water and two d8s from Dave’s canteen and spit them out as fast as possible.

TT: Six.
GC: OK4Y YOU H34L FOR TH4T4MOUNT ROS3

You’re about to pick up Dave’s dice and return them to him when you get rather distracted by the fact that Kanaya is about to be eaten by a flock of flapstractions.

GRIMGAZE: Hmmm.
GRIMGAZE: Should we tell her?
SIXLET: huh
SIXLET: oh
TRIFLE: Whatt Aree Youu Sissiess Goingg Onn Aboutt N–
SIXLET: oh well too late now
LARKWING: tItA!
LARKWING: you! WItch! dId you bRING thAt moNsteR bAcK to lIfe WIth youR foul mAGIcKs!?
GRIMGAZE: …
GRIMGAZE: Why In the world would I do that?
SIXLET: its a hydra
GRIMGAZE: Ah.
LARKWING: A WhAt?
SIXLET: oh for the love of beesus
SIXLET: see the head thats eating your friend
LARKWING: uh, yeAh, I see thAt!
SIXLET: and the head next to that head that wasnt there before
LARKWING: oh, A hydRA.
LARKWING: WAIt, they’Re poIsonous!
TRIFLE: …Theyree Fuckingg Whatt
SIXLET: oh frass
GRIMGAZE: …You mean venomous.
LARKWING: No, they bReAthe poIsoN GAs!
LARKWING: ...ANd they’Re veNomous As WeLL.
TRIFLE: I Hopee Youree Enjoyingg Yourr Conversationn Overr There
TRIFLE: Reallyy… Itt Soundss Fascinatingg
TRIFLE: That Iss… Thee Partss Of Itt Thatt I Cann Hearr… Overr Thee Soundd Of Mee Beingg Eatenn Byy A Fuckingg Hydraa
GRIMGAZE: Well, I don’t see why we should help you. You attacked me!
LARKWING: No, you AttAcKed us!
SIXLET: yeah no were definitely helping them
LARKWING: you ARe?
TRIFLE: Youu… Arre?
GRIMGAZE: We are???
SIXLET: yes we are helping them
SIXLET: bees don’t you have ANY morals grimblebee
GRIMGAZE: We can help them, provIded you never call me that agaIn.
SIXLET: nah were helping them and keeping the nickname fuck you
GRIMGAZE: Oh, goddamn It.
GRIMGAZE: ThIs Is goIng to be a thIng, Isn’t It.
SIXLET: the nickname or the teamup
GRIMGAZE: Both.
SIXLET: wait hang on
SIXLET: the common name
SIXLET: you know like how things have a scientific name and a common name and the common name is like a nickname
SIXLET: and insects are things
LARKWING: to ANsWeR youR questIoN: yes, both of those ARe AbsoLutely GoING to be A thING.
GRIMGAZE: Hell. FuckIng. No.
TRIFLE: Helll… Fuckingg… Yes
TRIFLE: Alsoo Hurry Upp Imm Beingg Chewedd Byy A Dragonn Thingg Withh Poisonouss Fangss
GC: DO YOU W4NT TO S4Y 1T, BUG BOY?
TG: why thank you yes i very much do
SIXLET: um actually strong tall sword bow lady
SIXLET: the fangs are venomous
TRIFLE: HELLOO YESS BEINGG CHEWEDD OVERR HEREE

Chapter Text

DAVE: kanaya please stop eating my doritos with your fangs
DAVE: look im bypassing the stop eating my doritos part i will take normal pilfering above this
DAVE: why are all your teeth incisors youre just punching little holes in them
DAVE: its weird to watch you should really consider getting some molars or yknow even canines would be better
DAVE: premolars? wisdom teeth?
DAVE: god i know so many teeth words. well done me
KANAYA: My Apologies Dave
KANAYA: Ill Grow Some Right Away
DAVE: do trolls not eat plants or something damn
KANAYA: Dave
KANAYA: I Do Have Herbivorous Teeth Theyre At The Back Of My Mouth
KANAYA: Like Yours Are I Presume
KANAYA: Although Yes I Will Admit Those Of My Caste Do Have Sharper Teeth Even Than Most Trolls
DAVE: because youre alien vampires
KANAYA: That Is A Likely Explanation Yes
DAVE: ok but fr tho why arent you chewing properly then
DAVE: this has got to be the messiest possible way to eat chips
KANAYA: My Teeth Hurt
DAVE: huh
DAVE: well thats gonna be a problem
KANAYA: How So
DAVE: if youve got a cavity or something i mean
DAVE: we dont exactly have dentists here
DAVE: or whatever weird name you have for them
KANAYA: I Assume Thats Your Earth Human Equivalent Of Dentorturer
KANAYA: And Indeed I Have Been Pondering On That Exact Issue
DAVE: is it irresponsible to say that somewhere in one of these many many libraries there has to be a book that details exactly how to diagnose and treat whatevers wrong with your tiny mouth pestles which i assume is the batshit troll word for plant eating teeth
DAVE: i bet we can figure this shit out
KANAYA: You Know Its Probably A Bad Idea But Also Its Probably A Much Worse Idea To Continue Ignoring This Issue Which Will Likely Arise Again
KANAYA: Although That Could Be The Painkiller Induced Impaired Judgement Talking
DAVE: holy shit what
DAVE: how bad is it how long has it been sore
KANAYA: Its Been Building Up For A Few Weeks Now
KANAYA: And I Mean Its Not As Bad As When The Better Part Of My Midriff Was Removed I Jutht Hath To Be Carethul Where I Chew My Thood
DAVE: oh my god
KANAYA: Um
DAVE: why is your tooth doing that
KANAYA: …
KANAYA: What Is It Doing I Cant Thee
KANAYA: Why Do I Thound Like Thollux
DAVE: your front tooth is moving
DAVE: kanaya if your tooth falls out i swear to god
KANAYA: What
DAVE: i dont know i just swear to god okay
DAVE: jesus please stop wiggling it with your tongue
KANAYA: Dave What Is Happening Right Now
DAVE: okay you know what
DAVE: you go fucking lie down or something and dont touch or do anything with any of your teeth
DAVE: im gonna get the others to help me look at all the books weve got
DAVE: surely light players are gonna find this shit easily right
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: I Really Fucking Hope So

*

The pain, although bad, is now secondary to the urge to wiggle the offending tooth. It’s still pretty bad pain, but you took some painkillers that probably once belonged to Sollux, and Rose sent you the captcha code for a human soporific beverage which she claims will help numb the pain, and now everything is pleasantly fuzzy and distant and the pain only registers on the very edge of your consciousness. Unfortunately, the fuzziness also seems to make you periodically forget not to fiddle with your teeth.

You curl in larval position at the bottom of your recuperacoon and try to sleep. And then you turn on your other side and try to sleep. And then you meditate for about fifteen seconds. And then you decaptchalogue a novel and try to read, but for some reason even In Which A Lowblooded Cavalreaper Is Stranded On An Unknown Planet After A Disastrous Battle Claims The Lives Of His Squadron, And Is Forced To Wander The Deserted Lands For Almost A Sweep Before He Meets Another Troll, This One A Highblood Fleeing Her Buccaneedleworker Kidnappers In An Escape Pod After She Was Able To Sabotage Their Spaceship. The Two Quickly Form A Heated Caligninous Relationship Due To Their Natural Personality Clashes, But It Later Bleeds Into An Affair Of Less Animosity (But Even More Passion); And Eventually Escape The Island When The Highblood Manages To Contact Her Moirail And Notify Her Of Their Whereabouts: Part Three Of A Series Titled “Blue, Bronze, Brazen” – by all accounts a gripping read, and one which you’ve been devouring voraciously for the past few days – is unable to hold your attention for very long.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: What Are You Doing
CG: ???
CG: NOTHING. WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
GA: Im Not
CG: KANAYA, WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A WHILE. I CAN TELL WHEN YOU’RE YELLING AT ME THROUGH UNPUNCTUATED TEXT WITH THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH WORD CAPITALISED.
GA: Huh
GA: I Mean Im Tired And Frustrated I Guess
GA: Not At You But That Maybe Be What Youre Picking Up On
CG: OH.
CG: AT WHO?
GA: My Tiny Mouth Pestles
CG: YOUR WHAT??
GA: Uhhh
GA: Wait Sorry
GA: My Osseous Masticators
GA: That Was A Daveism
GA: I Forgot It Wasnt A Real Thing People Say
GA: This Migraine Medication Might Be A Bit Too Strong For My Metabolism
CG: ...DARE I ASK WHY YOU'RE MAD AT THEM?
GA: They Are Causing Me Inordinate Levels Of Pain
CG: UH. OKAY.
CG: DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?
CG: MEDICINE? FLOSS? PLIERS? A BRISTLESTICK AND TOOTHSOAP? A BEDTIME STORY?
CG: GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH HERE, KANAYA.
GA: Im Very Restless And Also Very Sleepy And I Want To Be Doing Something That Doesnt Require Me To Be Out Of Bed
GA: I Tried Reading But I Got Slime On My Copy Of Blue Bronze And Brazen Three
GA: And Dave And The Girls Are Training To Become Apprehentice Dentorturers
GA: Do You Want To Watch A Movie Or Something
CG: OK. NUMBER ONE, GOOD TO KNOW I’M THE LAST CHOICE.
CG: NUMBER TWO, LIKE, NOW?
GA: Yes Now
GA: Unless Youre Doing Something In Which Case Never Mind
GA: And Dont Go Playing The Last Resort Card With Me When We Both Know Full Well Youve Been Refusing Or Flaking On Individual And Group Hangouts With Me For The Last Two Perigees
GA: Which I Still Would Like An Explanation On By The Way
CG: I
CG: …
CG: OKAY, WHATEVER.
CG: WE NEVER ENDED UP WATCHING THE NOTEBOOK.
GA: That Sounds Good But Only If You Talk Through It
CG: WAIT, WHAT?
CG: YOU *WANT* ME TO TALK THROUGH IT?
GA: Yes
GA: Ok Im Going To Close My Eyes And Try Not To Let My Mouth Touch My Teeth Until You Get Here
CG: HAVE FUN WITH THAT. I’LL BE ROUND IN LIKE TEN MINUTES.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You captchalogue your lunchtop and try to maneuver into a more comfortable position to wait. Then, resigned, you tip your ‘coon onto its side so that the top of your torso is on the floor and stare at your respiteblock wall.

*

There isn’t a moment at which your mouth stops hurting, but it certainly stops being a constant stabbing pain if you squeeze your teeth shut and then don’t move at all, and has calmed to a dull throb by the time Karkat arrives. He makes a disgruntled noise at your overturned recuperacoon and the slime spilling out onto the floor, and crouches next to you with a comically concerned and bewildered expression on his face.

KARKAT: WHEN, UH.
KARKAT: WHEN DID IT START HURTING?
KANAYA: …
KARKAT: ALSO, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT EARLIER?
KARKAT: I MEAN, SHIT, THIS KIND OF SEEMS REALLY BAD AND LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT EASIER TO FIX IF YOU’D SAID ANYTHING BEFORE IT GOT TO THIS POINT.

Karkat is very correct, but also your mouth is pleasantly un-hurting and you don’t want to move.

KANAYA: Mmhm
KARKAT: THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE PRETTY ONE-SIDED, ISN’T IT?
KANAYA: Mmm

*

KARKAT: NO, I’M SORRY. I CAN’T FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS.
KARKAT: I COULD HANDLE BUTCHERING THE ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC BY PUTTING HUMAN EXPECTATIONS ON INTERACTION AND SOCIALISATION AND ROMANCE, BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS IN EVERY HUMAN MOVIE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD BUT SUCKS. I COULD HANDLE THE FACT THAT HE WANTS TO FIX UP SOME RANDOM HIVE THAT DOESN’T BELONG TO HIM *OR* HIS MATESPRIT BUT SOMEHOW HASN’T BEEN CHARGEBEASTDOZED DESPITE BEING CLEARLY ABANDONED. I COULD HANDLE A LOT OF THINGS!
KARKAT: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I *CAN’T* HANDLE?
KANAYA: I Suspect You Are Going To Tell Me
KARKAT: SHE ENDS UP DATING THE FUCKING LOWBLOOD!
KARKAT: I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK?!
KARKAT: THE ENTIRE **POINT** OF THE STORY IS THAT IT’S ***DOOMED***
KARKAT: IT’S NOT A FUCKING SOCIAL COMMENTARY IF THEY END UP TOGETHER!
KANAYA: I Mean It Still Kind Of Is
KARKAT: THE TRAGEDY OF IT ALL!
KANAYA: I Dont Necessarily Think Either Movie Was Actually Intended To Be Particularly Subversive Or Political
KARKAT: AM I TALKING ABOUT THE TRAGEDY OF THE ORIGINAL STORY, OR THE TRAGEDY THAT IS THIS HORRIBLE SHITTY REBOOT? YOU DECIDE!
KANAYA: But Either Way I Think Both Have A Message In Their Own Right
KANAYA: And The Human Ending Probably Makes Sense In An Earth Context
KARKAT: FUCK EARTH CONTEXTS! EARTH CONTEXTS CAN LICK MY SWEATY BONE BULGE!
KANAYA:
KARKAT: I AM GOING TO KILL ROSE! WHAT THE FUCK.
KARKAT: “WATCH THE HUMAN VERSION OF THE NOTEBOOK, KARKAT! IT’S PROBABLY REALLY SIMILAR TO TROLL THE NOTEBOOK AND DOESN’T BUTCHER ANY OF THE THEMES! THE NARRATIVE BEATS ALL HAVE THEIR CORRECT INTENDED WEIGHT AND MEANING!”
KANAYA: Did She Actually Say That
KARKAT: LISTEN. SHE DIDN’T *NOT* SAY IT. AND HUMAN PRIDE AND PREJUCIDE WAS PRETTY GOOD, COMPARED TO THE ORIGINAL! I THOUGHT SHE HAD BETTER TASTE THAN THIS!
KANAYA: Has Rose Even Seen Troll The Notebook Or Did She Just Hear That The Name Was The Same And Then Neither Of You Ever Happened To Mention The Ending In Conversation
KARKAT: SHUT UP. YOUR MOUTH HURTS, REMEMBER?
KANAYA: Look Im Just Saying
KANAYA: Its Not Like Its Actually An Adaptation Or A Remake Or Anything
KANAYA: Its Just A Really Fucking Weird Coincidence That There Are Two Romantic Slash Comedic Films With The Same Name And Mostly The Same Premise
KARKAT: IT’S NOT A WEIRD COINCIDENCE, IT’S PARADOX SPACE TELLING ME THAT THERE IS NO MEANING TO ANYTHING AND THE UNIVERSE WAS CREATED SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF AND BUTCHER ALL MY FAVOURITE MOVIES.
KANAYA: I Think Those Two Statements Might Be Contradictory
KANAYA: I Do Find The Ferris Wheel Scene Interesting
KARKAT: OH?
KANAYA: Well You Know
KANAYA: In Human Culture Its Not Really Considered Permissible To Kill People Or Even Allow Them To Die As I Understand It
KANAYA: Even If Theyre Your Quote Inferior Unquote
KANAYA: So Its Kind Of Weird To Me That A Scene That Used To Be Like
KARKAT: “I COULD LET YOU DIE AND THERE WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY NO REPERCUSSIONS OR REASON TO FEEL BAD SINCE YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF AND I WOULD STILL BE WITHIN MY RIGHT TO KILL YOU MYSELF IF I REALLY REALLY WANTED, BUT DEEP DOWN IN MY BLOODPUSHER OF BLOODPUSHERS I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE BECAUSE I FIND YOU CHARMING AND YOU’RE A PIECE OF MY SERENDIPITY”?
KANAYA: Exactly
KANAYA: All That Just Sort Of Becomes Like
KANAYA: Oh Well I Cant Let You Die Because All My Friends And These Bystanders Would Immediately Shun Me And I Would Probably Feel Really Bad For A Long Time And Kind Of
KANAYA: Whats The Word
KARKAT: WHAT WORD?
KANAYA: Oh You Know The One
KANAYA: Rose Says It A Lot When She Does Her Human Psychology Thing
KANAYA: Bad Things That Happened To You In The Past
KARKAT: ...ABUSE?
KANAYA: No
KARKAT: DEPRESSION?
KANAYA: Kind Of Both Of Them At The Same Time I Think
KANAYA: You Know
KARKAT: TRAUMA?
KANAYA: Thats It
KANAYA: Now Ive Forgotten What We Were Talking About
KARKAT: THE TALL CIRCLERIDE SCENE.
KANAYA: Oh Right
KANAYA: Yeah It Seems A Lot Weirder In A Human Context Where Even If Others Didnt Think Her Callous And Blame Her She Would Almost Certainly Blame Herself And You Know Dwell On It
KARKAT: BECAUSE OF THE CARING ABOUT EVERYONE THING?
KANAYA: Yeah
KARKAT: THAT IS KIND OF WEIRD THAT IT PRETTY MUCH GOES THE EXACT SAME WAY, YEAH.
KARKAT: AND THEN THEY NEVER EVEN MENTION IT, WHICH, LIKE.
KARKAT: I’M NOT SAYING THEY SHOULD HAVE A FUCKING FEELINGS JAM, BUT THEY ARE *HUMANS.*
KANAYA: Exactly Like Itd Almost Be Weird If They Didnt
KANAYA: Its Definitely Weird That It Never Comes Up Again
KANAYA: Hey What Do You Think It Would Be Like If He Just Fucking Died
KARKAT: OH, I’D PAY BOONBUCKS TO WATCH THAT MOVIE.
KANAYA: Agreed

The entryshield of your block suddenly slams open and several bodies fall over each other as they all try to enter first.

KANAYA: Is There A Fire
TEREZI: S4DLY NO
VRISKA: We TRIED texting you!
ROSE: *I* tried texting you.
VRISKA: Only 8ecause you wouldn’t let me!
ROSE: I didn’t stop you. I just did it first.
VRISKA: Whatever. Clearly they were too 8usy with their little paled8 to respond anyway.
KANAYA: Hey
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK? NO.
KARKAT: NO!
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?
ROSE: (Methinks the lady…)
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? NO.
KARKAT: NO! JUST WHY?
KANAYA: Vriska Why Do You Feel The Need To Say These Things
VRISKA: I call it like I see it.
TEREZI: WOW, 4BL31ST MUCH?
VRISKA: Wh8t the fuck does that mean?
TEREZI: 1T’S WH3N YOU M4K3 FUN OF BL1ND P3OPL3, DUMMY.
DAVE: or when terezi calls you a dummy
TEREZI: Y3S
DAVE: since its so clearly a tragic condition you were born with that can never be fixed
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY!
VRISKA: That’s so stupid. Why would you need a word for that?
ROSE: Some people think it’s a bad thing to be.
VRISKA: Yeah, right.
ROSE: Some humans do, at least.
ROSE: What have you two been doing?
KANAYA: We Were Watching A Movie
TEREZI: WH4T MOV13?
KARKAT: HUMAN NOTEBOOK.
KARKAT: ROSE, YOUR TASTE IS SHIT AND THIS MOVIE SUCKS.
ROSE: Oh, I don’t like The Notebook. I just saw it once with my mother, and then later I told you it existed. Not quite the same thing.
ROSE: I don’t really have any particularly strong feelings toward it. I suppose it’s sweet, in that special sort of way that only a romcom made in the early twenty-first century can be.
ROSE: By which I mean there are some nice moments, and then a lot of bland moments, and a couple of moments that make you reconsider your entire societal conception of love and duty and gender and romantic conventions.
ROSE: Not that I noticed any of that at the time of my first viewing, since I was seven, but I did read some interesting essays about the romance genre a year or so ago.
TEREZI: W41T, K4RK4T, 1 THOUGHT YOU L1K3D TH3 NOT3BOOK?
KANAYA: Please Dont Get Him Started Again
KANAYA: Not That This Isnt Nice But Is There A Reason Youre All Here
DAVE: yeah we figured out whats
VRISKA: We figured out what’s wrong with your teeth!
DAVE: ok thats fine
KANAYA: What Is It
VRISKA: They’re falling out!
KANAYA: ………………
VRISKA: Oh, relaaaaaaaax. They’re supposed to.
KANAYA: No I Dont Think They Are Though
KANAYA: In Fact Im Almost Entirely Certain My Teeth Are Supposed To Remain Attached To My Mandibles
VRISKA: Way to 8e fussy a8out your fangs, fussyfangs.
KANAYA: Im Not Sure Its A Fussy Thing To Not Want Them To Fall Out
ROSE: New ones are growing in.
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Why
KANAYA: Actually Never Mind Thats Kind Of A Stupid Question
KANAYA: Better Question Why Didnt I Know This Was Part Of The Process
TEREZI: K4N4Y4, HOW MUCH DO YOU 4CTU4LLY KNOW 4BOUT R41NBOW DR1NK3RS?
KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: More Than I Used To But Less Than I Used To Think I Did
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1T’S PROB4BLY S4F3 TO 4SSUM3 SOM3ON3 WOULD H4V3 TOLD YOU 1F YOU’D GROWN UP 4ROUND OTH3R J4D3S, BUT… YOU D1DN’T.
TEREZI: SO 1 GU3SS YOU N3V3R GOT SCHOOLF3D TH4T?
KANAYA: Actually That Does Make Sense
KANAYA: My Lusus Registered Me As An Oliveblood Since We Would Have Been Culled For Deserting Our Cavern Duties
KANAYA: Haha
KANAYA: Deserting
VRISKA: Okaaaaaaaay, well. You know how drinkers are supposed to have a fuckton of big sharp teeth?
DAVE: dude she already has big sharp teeth
KANAYA: Its True I Do
ROSE: According to this “dentorture” book, they’re not big enough.
KARKAT: WAIT, BUT TEETH FALLING OUT DOESN’T HURT THAT MUCH.
KARKAT: THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE!
DAVE: wait that happens to trolls
KARKAT: YES? OBVIOUSLY?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: i never thought of that
DAVE: is it before or after you grow legs
KARKAT: WE ALWAYS HAVE LEGS, DAVE.
DAVE: is it before or after some of your legs fall off
KARKAT: AFTER, OBVIOUSLY, GRUBS NEED THEIR TEETH. THEY CAN’T JUST GO AROUND COMPLETELY DEFENSELESS, FUCKWIT.
DAVE: right of course stupid question
DAVE: we cant be leaving babies unarmed
KANAYA: Karkats Right Though
KANAYA: If Thats Whats Causing It Then Why Does It Hurt
VRISKA: When you lose your gru8teeth you don’t really remem8er 8ecause it’s during pup8tion.
VRISKA: And when you lose wiggler teeth, the ones that grow in are pretty much the same 8ut 8igger.
VRISKA: How many teeth does a troll mouth have?
KANAYA: Is That A Trick Question
VRISKA: I mean, I guess it could 8e if you wanted it to. 8ut I meant like, how many teeth are visi8le in a regular troll’s mouth?
KANAYA: I Dont Know
KANAYA: I Can Count Them
VRISKA: That was rhetorical! I already know, it's 36.
VRISKA: Rain8ow drinkers have like fifty-something, and they’re smaller and longer and arranged differently.
VRISKA: So you’re going to be dropping teeth for at least a sweep!
TEREZI: TH3 GOOD N3WS 1S YOU DON’T H4V3 TO WORRY 4BOUT T4K1NG C4R3 OF TH3 OLD ON3S S1NC3 YOU H4V3 SP4R3S
KANAYA: I Dont Think Thats How It Works
TEREZI: 1’M JUST S4Y1NG 1F YOU G3T 4 C4V1TY 1N 4 TOOTH TH4T’S 4BOUT TO F4LL OUT 1T WON’T M4TTER!
KANAYA: Yes But If I Stopped Brushing My Teeth I Could Just As Easily Get A Hole In One Of The New Ones
TEREZI: YOU’RE NO FUCK1NG FUN >:P
TEREZI: 1’M GO1NG TO GO 34T SUCROS3 GR41N W1TH 4 SPOON, B3C4US3 1 L1K3 TO L1V3 ON TH3 W1LD S1D3 OF L1F3!
VRISKA: Do NOT do that!!!!!!!!
TEREZI: YOU C4N’T STOP M3 >:]
VRISKA: Do you WANT to die of an infected tooth 8ecause none of us know how to perform root canal surgery????????
VRISKA: F8cking idiot.
VRISKA: I’m coming with you!

Chapter Text

You’re lying in bed, so so tired and you don’t even have an excuse. You have been doing a sum total of jack to the power of shit for almost eight months. You weren’t this wobbly-hearted and heavy-boned when you were literally fighting for your life, and you can’t remember ever feeling like this before that either, so where’s your fucking excuse?

You’re on your laptop, not because there’s anything to do, but because your new favourite hobby is apparently rotating between your open programs and the few websites you’ve found that mysteriously still function in the Furthest Ring. You’re practically in a fugue state, so when a new message pops up you respond to it on autopilot before you even register this exciting new form of enrichment.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: hey slob
TT: Hello
TG: my accusations of slobbishness just getting more and more justified i see
TT: What?
TG: you forgot the full stop genius
TT: Oh, okay.
TG: was typing proper syntax on that one a conscious effort
TT: Yes.
TG: ok im going to ignore whatever little crisis youre clearly having and actually say what i came here to say for once
TG: out of character i know but what can i say i live to thrill the audience
TG: cant let them get complacent i gotta introduce at least 3 plot twists per episode if i wanna keep the ratings up
TG: the execs are breathing down my neck here
TG: but i just keep pushing the writers to their limits and filming gory battle and sex scenes
TG: the gory battle scenes are separate to the sex scenes i should clarify
TG: although the sex is sometimes gory
TG: but it almost never involves multiple people dying
TG: and there hasnt yet been one involving a dragon although now that i mention it thats not a bad idea
TG: …
TG: wow ok so youre either literally asleep or like chin deep in some kind of crisis
TT: Or I’m not paying attention.
TG: bullshit because i just mentioned filming gory sex scenes and you didnt interrupt with any devastating one-liners about puppets in blenders
TG: twas a trap you idiot
TT: First of all, I don’t actually hang on your every word just to check for freudian slips. You just don’t notice you’ve made them unless I point them out.
TG: maybe youve noticed all of them and there havent been any others ever consider that
TT: Unrealistic, there's too many even for those with my literally godlike abilities.
TT: Secondly, what the fuck are you talking about?
TG: what
TG: i mean i think i had a point i was getting to it
TT: No, why would I come in with a snappy one-liner about “puppets in blenders”?
TT: A bit of a non sequitur, isn’t it?
TG: wait
TG: dude
TG: my literal biological twin sister
TG: how have you known me for pretty much ever and you dont know that gory puppet death by blender is a key subgenre of the art of smuppet filmography
TT: Why the fuck would I know that?
TT: Why would you know that?
TT: Don’t answer that, please, for the sake of my ever-more-fragile sanity.
TT: I don’t think that’s even true.
TG: rose how much do you know about the smuppet lover community
TT: A lot more than I ever wanted to!
TG: it is definitely true
TG: puppet death = central facet of agalmatophilia
TT: Can we please get to this “point” of which you speak? Please?
TG: yeah yeah in a minute
TG: so are you saying you dont read my texts
TT: Dave, you get offended when we’re in the same room as you and overhear tangents that were once part of a conversation you trailed off from, leaving us looking at you and then back to each other awkwardly.
TT: Why would I assume you want me to read your centupletexts?
TG: jesus rose thats DIFFERENT
TG: i type out my texts with my own two hands and press the send button dont i
TG: of course i want you to read them
TT: I’m screenshotting this for the next time you accuse me of reading your private rap journal that you "store in our message history".
TG: first of all thats not binding because screenshots can be faked
TG: second of all stop reading my rap journal i preface each entry with "do not read" its not a hard instruction to follow
TT: You don’t do that, actually.
TG: it doesnt matter does it because you read the ones i dont and the ones i do regardless and with little care for whether youre allowed to
TG: which the answer is almost always no
TG: third of all if you ever screenshot my rap journal youre dead to me
TT: Good idea!
TG: subject change because i remembered what i was texting you about
TG: you left a fuckton of plates and shit and three pans in the kitchen all dirty
TT: I was cleaning my room.
TG: good for you
TG: go do your dirty dishes
TG: and i say this with the utmost love and respect
TG: you utter fucking slob
TT: How the tables have turned.
TG: im sorry i want to live in a functional environment with a kitchen for normal people what can i say its been a dream of mine since I was a child
TG: can you just do them please
TT: No.
TG: well
TG: i guess this was pointless then
TG: whatever
TT: I’m sorry! But I literally just finished taking them all out there!
TG: good so its the *perfect* time to do them now that youve taken them all out!
TT: No! It’s not!
TG: why not!
TT: Because I’m tired!
TG: its the middle of the fucking nightdaywaketime!
TT: I don’t care!
TG: whatever
TG: can you at LEAST throw them off the back of the meteor and make new ones
TT: What part of “No, I’m tired and resting” is lost on your limited intellect!
TG: there should be a question mark there!
TT: I? Don’t! Care…
TG: im out
TG: fuck you fuck you and lastly fuck you
TG: do your dishes im trying to make food here
TT: You don’t even know how to cook!
TG: do so!

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TT: Do not!
TT: Make your own saucepans if you want them, anyway.
TT: So there.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --

You stab at your keyboard purposelessly for a minute or two, and then slam your laptop shut and start ripping up blank sheets of notebook paper instead. You haven’t written anything since that walkthrough. All these blank pages. It’s kind of stupid to even have all these notebooks, but you were kind of stupid happy when you realised Dave still had the code for your old journals and it wasn't all just lost. It was still an invasion of privacy and kind of maybe caused the end of the world and all, but you were so thrilled to be able to take them and have them and then to combine them with blank captcha cards to make new empty journals, thrilled enough that you just. Sort of forgave it pretty quickly when all was said and done.

But now they're all just here, and empty, and you could scream if it wouldn't immediately convince at least one idiot teenager that the entire meteor was haunted. Which… to be fair, it occasionally is. But not in a scary way, just in an annoying and slightly surreal way.

Your stomach makes a very disgruntled noise, and you frown at it before remembering that you haven't eaten since breakfast, which was… a while ago, and all you even ate then was toast and something that might have been juice or possibly, like, fish bile. It's extremely difficult to tell how much of Alternian foods' packaging is the actual contents of the food, and how much is marketing. For all you know troll companies are allowed to just lie about what's in there – not that it would make much difference, since being able to sort-of read some Alternian doesn't help with knowing what the more alien ingredients listed even are. You try to stick to fresh produce and human food as much as possible when you're feeling squeamish, just in case.

So, yes, you've noticed a few times in the last few hours that you were kind of hungry, but now you're faced with the possibility of actually having to DO something about it, which sounds downright Herculean at the moment. You slump out of bed with your doona still wrapped around you and meander your way to the common area.

There’s more people here than you would have expected. Dave and Terezi are in the open kitchen Terezi is repeatedly attempting to lick whatever’s being cooked; Vriska’s on the couch scrawling notes in the margin of a book. The dishes you left in the kitchen are gone – you’re not sure if Dave’s actually mad at you or not, so you plonk down in an armchair, half-forgetting why you even came out here. You kind of wish Kanaya was here, just because she’d probably know exactly what you should eat to stop feeling shitty and even make it for you.

Of course, eating anything at all would go a long way to making you stop feeling shitty, but you’re sitting down now and all the food is so far away.

VRISKA: What????????
ROSE: What?
VRISKA: You’ve 8een staring at me for like eight minutes.

That’s probably an exaggeration.

VRISKA: I know I’m incredi8ly hot and intelligent and 8adass and inspiring, 8ut can you stop?
VRISKA: It’s not that you’re tooooooootally repulsive, 8ut I don’t like you that w8y, so it’s kind of creepy.
ROSE:
VRISKA: Do you… want something?
VRISKA: I’m trying to scheme here.
ROSE: Oh?
VRISKA: Well, SOMEONE has to. I don’t see you stepping up.

You have suddenly lost all interest in this conversation.

VRISKA: You can help if you want. Weeeeeeeell, I don’t actually know if you can HELP, considering I’ve pretty much got it covered, 8ut you can watch.
ROSE: Maybe later. I’m busy.

(You're not busy. You're tired. Tired of this, of Vriska, of yourself, of the trip, of the game–)

VRISKA: Wh8tever.
VRISKA: H8y, here’s a movie night tonight. Pro8a8ly gonna do some proper horror, I’m so sick of this romance shit.
ROSE: Oh, okay.
ROSE: When?
VRISKA: 2000. ::::(
ROSE: What's with that face?
VRISKA: Nothing. ::::(
ROSE: If you’re so lonely, why don’t you just watch a movie with Terezi now?
VRISKA: I’m SCHEMING, Lalonde. I’m a very 8usy woman, I can’t just watch movies all hours of the night.
ROSE: Scheme with her, then.
VRISKA: She doesn’t wanna.
ROSE: Get over yourself, then.
VRISKA: Nah.

You head to the pantry for one of the lists of food codes. Eating is so much fucking easier when you can make food appear by magic.

ROSE: Can you roll a d20 for me?
VRISKA: Huh?
ROSE: A die. Can you roll one for me?
VRISKA: Oh, food lotto?
VRISKA: Hell yeah. See, why doesn’t everyone do this? It’s the 8est and most exciting w8y to decide what to eat, AND it m8kes you feel like a pir8!
ROSE: I think the only person who has ever been made to feel like a pirate by rolling a die to determine what food to magically synthesise is you.
ROSE: Just roll.
VRISKA: Ha! Three.
VRISKA: What list are you using?
ROSE: Number nine. Oh, toast with Marmite.
ROSE: Or, whatever the black stuff is.
ROSE: ...I don’t want this. Why did you even put it on the list? I don’t even think it’s marmite on there.
VRISKA: It’s good!
ROSE: It’s really, really not. Can you roll again?
VRISKA: Wow, ok8y, wiggler.
VRISKA: Fuck yes.
ROSE: Oh, God. What is it?
VRISKA: Nat one.
ROSE: I refuse. Why did you order these lists so that all the low rolls are disgusting?
VRISKA: To make it more realistic!
ROSE: That makes absolutely no sense. Also, it did NOT warrant a vote.
VRISKA: What, was I just supposed to rule them all myself? Force my own personal 8iases on everyone else? I’m not a tyrant, Lalonde.
ROSE: Just roll again, I’m not eating “unrecognisably burnt carbs”. That shouldn’t even be on the list, that’s not food.
VRISKA: Nineteen.
ROSE: This one isn’t even pretending to be food. A knuckle sandwich?
ROSE: Don’t punch me.
VRISKA: Why would I punch you?
VRISKA: What, are you a8out to fly off or die and ruin the timeline?
VRISKA: Also, in what sense is a knuckle sandwich not food?
VRISKA: It’s edible, it’s nutritious, it even t8stes good!
ROSE: ...What are you talking about?
VRISKA: Look, just try it!

You punch the numbers into the alchemiter skeptically, and a paltry amount of grist is deducted from your cache to produce… a sandwich. Or maybe a burger? The bread is sliced, but each of those slices is almost an inch thick. You pick it up and peel off the top layer to reveal troll margarine, leafy greens and a layer of gristle coated in a dark brown sauce.

ROSE: What is this?
VRISKA: Oh, wow, I don’t know, genius. A pizza? A grubnut? A milkshake?
VRISKA: W8, w8, hold on.
VRISKA: Could it 8e? Is it possi8le? That may8e… just maaaaaaaay8e… it’s a knuckle sandwich?
ROSE: My apologies, I’ll endeavour to be more specific.
ROSE: What’s a knuckle sandwich?

Here should probably be where she punches you in the face and laughs maniacally for five minutes without stopping. She doesn’t do that. Instead, she sits up and leans over the back of the couch and points.

VRISKA: The knuckle is from 8aa8east or porkfiend, with the 8ones removed, 8ut you can use pretty much any soft cartilage. And then you add prevedesauce and whatever else you want.
VRISKA: It’s good!
ROSE: Is it?
VRISKA: I wouldn’t have put it on nineteen otherwise, would I?
ROSE: I guess not.

You open your mouth a lot wider than you really want to in order to fit the damn thing in your mouth. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s pretty difficult to swallow.

ROSE: ...Chewy.
VRISKA: Yeah!
ROSE: The sauce is nice?
VRISKA: Yeah, and the meat!
ROSE: Oh, no, this isn’t meat. It's definitely something, but that something is very much not meat.
VRISKA: Pfffffffft. If a fairy bull wouldn’t eat it, it’s meat.
ROSE: I don’t know enough about fairy bulls to dispute that.

You finish it in silence, then venture into the kitchen for some soda to wash it down. Vriska, now lying back down with her book, sticks out her leg to trip you as you walk back to the transportaliser. You float out of the way; it’s possible that she sometimes forgets that some of you can fly, or maybe she just hopes you’ll forget.

*

You’re feeling a bit sturdier, although still pretty disheartened with life in general, by the time you’re heading down to the common area again for the movie. You meet Kanaya on her way down from the roof partway there, and you walk in a mostly comfortable silence the rest of the way. Dave, Terezi, and Karkat have already claimed the good couch, and it will definitely need to be cleaned after this because they’re eating spaghetti with absolutely no regard for the mess it’s making; Vriska is leaning over the back of the couch between Terezi and Karkat, slopping sauce on the former and arguing with the latter. The TV has been moved squarely in front of this couch, so rather than drag a seat over you plop down on the floor. Kanaya heads for the kitchen table, where a vat of spaghetti bolognese is sitting next to a stack of bowls and dirty dishes. When she settles down next to you, she passes you a bowl with cheese and parsley sprinkled artfully on top. Dave kicks you when you try to eat it.

ROSE: Did you want something, brother dear?
DAVE: wow never say that
ROSE: Never say what, beloved kin?
DAVE: bleargh youre an idiot terrible sister
ROSE: I see. Fascinating. Your argument is compelling, sibling of mine, but I raise you this counterpoint:
ROSE: You're a yucky stupid dumb boy ugly brother
DAVE: wow sounds like the words of someone who doesnt want my yucky stupid dumb boy spaghetti
ROSE: You made this? Guess I’ll starve!
DAVE: yeah bitch now who cant cook
TEREZI: ST1LL YOU!
DAVE: ok sure real convincing
DAVE: girl whos on her third bowl
TEREZI: MY T4ST3BUDS 4R3 F4R MOR3 4DV4NC3D TH4N YOURS
KANAYA: Wouldnt That Mean That If Its Bad You Would Like It Less Because You Could Taste The Badness More
TEREZI: OH 1T’S GOOD
TEREZI: BUT 1T’S ONLY GOOD B3C4US3 M3 4ND MY SUP3R1OR TONGU3 W3R3 TH3R3 TO STOP R3D R1D1NG HOOD FROM FUCK1NG 1T UP >;]
ROSE: Gross.
DAVE: respect my skills god darn it
DAVE: im gonna be a househusband just you fucking wait
DAVE: all staying at home and doing house things
ROSE: Implying that someone would want to marry you.
DAVE: oh im already married
ROSE: Is that so?
DAVE: yeah you dont know her
DAVE: she lives in troll canada
KARKAT: THEN SHE’S DEAD. TROLL CANADA GOT BLOWN UP, DAVE.
DAVE: wait theres troll canada??
KARKAT: NO, BUT IF THERE WAS THEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BLOWN UP.
DAVE: you dont know that
KARKAT: THE WHOLE PLANET GOT BLOWN UP.
DAVE: maybe troll canada has a forcefield
KARKAT: THAT WOULDN’T PROTECT HER FROM THE VAST GLUB.
DAVE: what the fuck is the vast grub
DAVE: is it like kanayas thing
KANAYA: No Its Feferis Thing
KANAYA: My Thing Is The Mother Glub
KANAYA: I Mean Grub
VRISKA: Everyone shut up!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I’m putting on the movie.
ROSE: What are we watching?
VRISKA: In Which A Teal8looded Journalinterrogator And The Counterarsonist Su8jects Of Her Documentary Are Quarantined In A Hivestem Along With Its Inha8itants And A Dangerous Virus Which Renders The Infected Victims Violent And Aggressive; The Trolls Trapped In The 8uilding Are Slowly Picked Off 8y The Infected And Lose Their Sapience; And The Teal8lood And Her Cameratroll Uncover The Cause Of The Infection 8efore 8eing Found And Killed Themselves, Ending The Story 8y Way Of Narr8torial Demise.
KARKAT: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.
TEREZI: K4RK4T’S V3RY UPS3T 4BOUT TH1S CHO1C3 OF MOV13. STUP1DLY, B3C4US3 1T'S GOOD.
TEREZI: W3LL, 1’M OFF. DON’T H4V3 TOO MUCH FUN W1THOUT M3!

The conversation sort of tapers off when Terezi leaves, and although Vriska had said she was putting on the movie, she doesn’t actually press play yet. You go to get some more spaghetti and a drink.

KANAYA: Karkat
KARKAT: YEAH?
KANAYA: I Was Just Wondering
KANAYA: Will Your Moirail Be Joining Us Tonight
KARKAT: HOW WOULD I KNOW?
KANAYA: Um
KARKAT: SORRY, I’LL REPHRASE THAT.
KARKAT: NO FUCKING CLUE.
KARKAT: SO.
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Im Sorry
KARKAT: WHAT FOR?
KANAYA: I Dont Know
VRISKA: Woooooooow.
VRISKA: Fun times!
VRISKA: Rose, hurry up. I’m starting it now.

You come back over with refreshments in hand and sit down to enjoy the movie.

The spaghetti is, admittedly, pretty good.

Chapter Text

You did try, really quite hard, to eat Dave’s spaghetti. But it’s all soft and mammal-meaty and tomatoey and solid but in the wrong way, and that’s really not what your uncourteous body has decided to crave tonight. No, tonight you feel the need… the Need To Bleed. Or rather, to bleed the blood out of someone else’s body and into your own mouth.

Rainbow drinker second puberty is not a lot of fun – what started as a newly-acquired sense of “blood doesn’t taste bad” and an initial urge to drain corpses rather than let all that good stuff go to waste, and what you assumed was going to stay at that manageable level for the rest of your days, seems to have just been waiting for your body’s new hormones to properly kick in. That is to say, this morning Terezi cut her hand trying to “demonstrate” proper knife technique – which she admittedly was decent at when you were younger before she, well, suddenly became a lot worse at it – and you really really wanted to. Drink her blood. It just smelled really nice, and it was a new feeling, and it was kind of upsetting to experience at the time. You’re less upset now, but your appetite is also in shambles. It’s difficult to even determine whether the nausea rolling around your digestion pipes is because of the non-drinker food in front of you or just disgust at yourself.

So, of course, your mind wanders to hypothetically… available sources of blood. Ones that don’t involve you having to talk to any of your friends about this or sneaking into their respiteblocks at night to drink their blood secretly, which is an option you’re trying to leave at the very bottom of the list. And… now that you’ve had some less hostile interactions with the meteor’s resident vent-dweller… it just kind of seems like the obvious next step. He still has all the… bodies, right? You caught him in a mood that seemed more like his old self a while ago, juggling bottles of something blue and green and purple and delicious-smelling. But since you don’t see him with any sort of regularity, that probably means you’re going to have to seek him out. Which will be tricky, since he’s still quite afraid of you (as he should be, you think, glowering at your spaghetti) and you’re not sure how to search for him in a way that doesn’t sound murdery when you’re literally out for blood.

You’d consider just kidnapping him and drinking his blood, but also:

1. Karkat would notice.
2. And be upset with you.
3. His blood probably tastes terrible.
4. No really, and it can’t be healthy either, you’ve only ever seen him eat fresh food once.
5. He probably wouldn’t care, and might even like it, and you really don’t want to deal with creepiness from a delusional six-sweep-old juggalo who is a murderer and your friend’s moirail and your would-be chainsaw victim and who also smells really quite bad.
6. He might try to murder you, and although you like to think you’d be able to give as good as you got, you kind of don’t want to test whether rainbow drinker resurrection works more than once.

Which is how, once the movie is over and Karkat is safely out of the way (having retreated halfway through the film with Dave to one of their respiteblocks to do whatever in the Condesce’s grey galaxies it is that insomniacs who have just spent an hour pretending not to be scared shitless by a fairly tame horror movie do during the day) and Vriska, who has for some reason been awake for the past thirty hours, has gone to the roof to "hang out" (i.e. sleep on Terezi’s lap), and Rose is tossing and turning on the big couch, you end up… tidying the crumbs by the light of the TV’s screensaver and your own glowing skin. Rearranging pillows and folding blankets in a pile in the corner. Gathering the dirty dishes, but not taking them to the kitchen to rinse them, because it feels like once you leave this room you’re vulnerable to whatever is in the corridors.

Realistically there isn’t anything in the corridors, but also… well. The meteor is dark and your own light makes you feel like a beacon. The corridors are narrow and you spent your whole life in a wide open house in the middle of an even wider, opener desert. Being alone in a place whose name basically means “alone” is one thing, but it’s another thing to be alone in this… flying hotel. With all its dozens of unexplored corridors and hundreds of empty rooms and more shadowy tanks of ectobiological specimens than living residents. You’re supposed to be a predator now, aren’t you? Isn’t that the point? But something changed when you were killed and you’re not sure you’ll feel quite as secure as you did in your wigglerhood ever again. It was naiveté, you suppose, but it sure felt nice to not know any other feeling.

So you stack the dishes on the sort-of-kitchen island instead, in the corner of the room where cupboards and utensils and electric appliances have been set up, but there’s still no sink because you can’t exactly alchemise plumbing and this isn’t someone’s hive so the SGRUB server program’s “insert sink” features are useless. The dishes clatter in your hands as you nearly trip over an extension electricity rope in the dark, and Rose makes an indignant, half-asleep noise and peers over the back of the couch.

KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Sorry I Didnt Mean To Wake You Up
ROSE: Quite–

She yawns several times in a row.

ROSE: Quite alright.
ROSE: I see the movie is over.
KANAYA:
ROSE: What are you still doing here?
KANAYA: Nothing
ROSE: ...
KANAYA: Tidying
ROSE: Your one word answers are extremely convincing.
KANAYA: Well That Is What Im Doing
KANAYA: Its More A Matter Of
KANAYA: What Im Not Doing
ROSE: Why? What aren’t you doing?

This is it. The moment of truth. You decide, with striking genius, to pretend that this is a very casual thing that is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about or tell anyone else about.

KANAYA: Drinking Blood
ROSE: ...Is that normal?
ROSE: Right, of course.
ROSE: Should I be worried, though?
KANAYA: No Its Very Standard
KANAYA: Rainbow Drinker Hormones And All That
KANAYA: My Body Now Requires Blood To Power Certain Functions I Suppose
KANAYA: Not Sure Which Ones
ROSE: Huh.
ROSE: Maybe the glowing?
KANAYA: Why Would Drinking Blood Make Me Glow
ROSE: I don’t know. But you didn’t glow before you drank blood, did you?
KANAYA: I Dont Remember
ROSE: You don’t remember whether you used to autoluminesce?
KANAYA: No I Mean There Was A Period Of Several Minutes In Between Dying And Reviving And My Initial Bloodglut Where My Memory Is Quite Fuzzy
KANAYA: Besides If Its Powered By Regular Troll Blood Maybe My Newly Turned Body Sort Of Absorbed Some Of My Spilled Regular Blood Through The Gaping Wound In My Abdomen
KANAYA: We Dont Have Any Kind Of Control Group Is What I Mean So I Really Couldnt Say For Sure
ROSE: I suppose it has to be troll blood?.

You blush, because this is literally the plot of several books you’ve read.

KANAYA: I Think So Yes
KANAYA: Or Maybe Lusus Blood Would Work Since Its Pretty Similar
ROSE: That would make sense, actually. From what I know of the role of the lusus.
ROSE: Well, where do you usually get it from?
KANAYA: Oh

Well, this plan didn’t work out quite as well as you’d anticipated.

KANAYA:
ROSE:
KANAYA: Chests?
ROSE: I’m assuming you mean treasure chests, as opposed to troll chests.
ROSE: And no offense, but I’m also assuming you’re lying.
KANAYA: Well When You Put It Like That
KANAYA: Actually Do You Think I Could Find Some In Chests
ROSE: Oh, come on. There has to be a better way than that.
ROSE: It’s unsanitary.
KANAYA: I Have A Very Strong Immune System
KANAYA: Especially For A Member Of The Living Dead
ROSE: Fair.
ROSE: Have you actually done this before?
KANAYA: Yes
ROSE:
KANAYA: Once
KANAYA: And Also A Couple Times I Did Find Some Blood Lying Around And Drank That
KANAYA: But I Wasnt Looking For It Then And It Doesnt Really Seem Like A Reliable Source
ROSE: No, it doesn’t.
ROSE: In that case, why are you trying to find some now?
KANAYA: ...
ROSE: I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that. I’ll still help.
ROSE: I’m simply trying to understand.
KANAYA: I Dont Know
ROSE: Sorry?
KANAYA: I Dont Know
ROSE: Oh.

She’s properly awake by this point, perched on the arm of the couch and looking at you with her head cocked and brow furrowed. She’s really very very pretty when she’s concerned about your wellbeing. Whatever is fluttering in your torsal cavity is not the emotion you want to be having at the moment, but at least the regular lust is distracting from the bloodlust.

So, of course, when she opens her arms towards you you fall into the hug immediately.

ROSE: We’ll figure it out.
ROSE: I’m very smart, you know.
KANAYA: Yeah
KANAYA: You Are

She goes still for a second, and you get the feeling you’ve said something wrong, but then she just tightens her arms around you and smiles gently into your neck.

ROSE: What’s going on, huh?
KANAYA: I Dont Know
ROSE: You’re not stupid, Kanaya. I know you have some kind of insight, it’s your body.
ROSE: Your space, yes?
KANAYA: I Suppose
KANAYA: Yeah
KANAYA: I Mean Its Happening Right While My Teeth Are Growing In Right
KANAYA: So Its Probably Just Part Of That Process
KANAYA: Right ?
ROSE: That makes sense.
ROSE: ...What’s happening, exactly?
KANAYA: Um
ROSE: An urge to drink blood?
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: That
KANAYA: Should I
KANAYA: I Mean Do You Think
KANAYA:...
ROSE: I don’t know, I’m afraid.
KANAYA: Cant You Use Your Powers
ROSE: They don’t work like that, I don’t think. Or maybe I’m just not good enough at using them.
ROSE: But if something terrible was going to go wrong as a result of whatever choice you made, I would definitely see that. I think.
KANAYA: Thats
KANAYA: Yeah
KANAYA: Yeah You Would Wouldnt You
ROSE: I think.
ROSE: I also think it’s a choice you have to make for yourself, I’m afraid. I know even less about alien vampires than your lawnring-variety Alternian.

You’re only half-listening at this point; you have to take a breath, steady yourself, for what you’re about to say. Indecision is the enemy of survival and of productivity, and those are your two favourite hobbies.

KANAYA: Im Going To Try It
KANAYA: Now
ROSE: Okay, then.
ROSE: Do you want help? Or company?
KANAYA: No

She’s worried again. Terrific.

ROSE: ...Okay.
ROSE: I’ll go to bed, then.
KANAYA: Good Morning
ROSE: Good night.

And in a flash of transportalizer light, she’s gone.

The important part of clown hunting, the part you could never quite get down because of certain factors outside of your control, is the stealth part. Even drinker quickness and silent footsteps only go so far when you’re the only light source in the room. So it is that you find yourself wrapping a scarf around your neck and face, donning gloves and a longer skirt. You wish you still had your wardrobifier; it was so much more convenient than having to go back to your block every time you want to change your outfit.

You pad through the distant, abandoned downstairs corridors in your sneakiest, most silent stalkslippers, courtesy of a code you filched from a chest a few months ago and altered with a more stylish pattern. It seems like you could walk forever before you come across signs of life in these forgotten corners of the meteor; discarded food packets that would undoubtedly be attracting nibble vermin if there were any to be found on this barren rock, unidentifiable stains on the floor and scratches on the walls. You’ve no inkling as to how the giant columns of ethanol and ectoplasm work. While most have long gone dark, the fluid slowly setting around the rotting hybrid bodies, others glow faintly, outlining silhouettes of half-developed musclebeast foetuses and mad-scientist bioweapons. Both kinds are preferable to the damaged ones: cracked tubes, pooled liquids drying on the floor around structures that are neither bone nor exoskeleton, but something in between. Shattered glass around short-circuited machinery, the stained ghosts of footprints that you can only hope are a trick of the light.

You almost jump out of your skin when your palmhusk beeps in your pocket.

--CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened a memo on board Dream 8u88le Alert St8tion!!!!!!!!--
CGC: JUST THOUGHT 1T'D B3 FUNNY TO W4K3 YOU 4LL UP TO S4Y TH4T TH3R3 4R3 NO BUBBL3S ON TH3 HOR1ZON!
CGC: 1N OTH3R N3WS: 1T'S V3RY BOR1NG UP H3R3 4ND MY L3G H4S F4LL3N 4SL33P.
CGC: 4LSO K4RK4T YOU’R3 L4T3 FOR YOUR SH1FT >:[
CGC stopped responding to memo.

Your hand is in your pocket, where you’ve just returned your palmhusk, as you slowly turn around to investigate a half-seen flash of movement and –

Letting yourself get distracted for any amount of time was a mistake.

Confidence, you remind yourself, is key. You inhale steadily.

KANAYA: There You Are
GAMZEE: ...
GAMZEE: no, there YOU are.
KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: What
GAMZEE: you’re there.
GAMZEE: i’m motherfucking HERE.
KANAYA: Okay
KANAYA: Im Not Going To Explain Relative Pronouns To You
GAMZEE: i don’t need SHIT explained at me
GAMZEE: motherfucking STEP OFF.
KANAYA: Regardless Of Whatever That Was
KANAYA: I Was Looking For You
GAMZEE: you can’t fucking trick me.
GAMZEE: YOU CAN’T MOTHER FUCKING KILL ME.
GAMZEE: you don’t GET to even try.
GAMZEE: and if you DID you still couldn’t, sawsister.
KANAYA: No Im Not Here For Violent Purposes
KANAYA: I Come In Peace
GAMZEE: piece of what?
GAMZEE: pieces of EIGHT. PIECES of HATE.
GAMZEE: :o)
KANAYA: What
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: With Peaceable Intentions
KANAYA: Why Am I Using Longer Words In The Hopes You Will Find Them Easier To Parse
GAMZEE: pieces of red. pieces of DEAD. :o(
KANAYA: Stop
GAMZEE: I’M NEARLY FUCKIN DONE.
GAMZEE: pieces of... light. pieces of knight.
GAMZEE: no those don’t FUCKING WORK on it do they??
GAMZEE: pieces of... FUCK.
KANAYA: Um
GAMZEE: SHUT UP.
GAMZEE: PIECES OF GOLD, PIECES OF COLD.
KANAYA: What
GAMZEE: like cool.
GAMZEE: GUESS WHICH ONE YOU’RE ALL MOTHERFUCKIN BEING?
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: I Wasnt Listening To Any Of That
GAMZEE: :o(
KANAYA: Look I Know You Still Have The Corpses Of My Dead Friends
GAMZEE: my friends too.
GAMZEE: DON’T YOU FUCKING FORGET OF IT NEITHER.
KANAYA: Okay Debatable
KANAYA: Not Really Debatable But Anyway
KANAYA: I Need Them
GAMZEE: why come.
KANAYA: Thats Not Important
GAMZEE: oh yes it IS because those are MY FRIENDBODIES.
GAMZEE: you don’t get to TAKE MY SHIT without a motherfUCKING REASON DO YOU HEAR ME?
KANAYA: What Come On
KANAYA: I Need Them Way More Than You Do
KANAYA: What Do You Even Use Them For
GAMZEE: :o)
KANAYA: Yeah I Dont Want To Know The Answer To That Question
KANAYA: Cant I Just Have One
GAMZEE:
GAMZEE: fine.

And before you have the chance to follow, he’s gone. A ventilation grate swings on rusted hinges on the wall above you. You resign yourself to waiting for him to return... or, more realistically, to forget what he was doing and not come back.

But it’s a pretty short wait in the end. You’re watching the vent, but it’s through the door that he comes, dragging a body by the foot. Dragging your friend on the ground, her horns gently scraping the floor. And Gamzee smiles this horrible smile that says no-need-to-thank-me and just-between-us and you-owe-me-now, and coward that you are, you captchalogue what was once Feferi Peixes and flee.

*

You are, in fact, a total idiot, and you should have paid more attention to rainbow drinker fiction, or the things your lusus taught you about the trollish body, or your butchering schoolfeeds, or common sense.

This body is very stiff and very dead and its blood pressure is sitting at a very firm and stubborn zero, as is the amount of blood coming out of the puncture marks in the grasp appendage hinges and breathestem. You lean back on your hands and let out a very long groan.

That’s it, then, isn’t it? The journey of self-discovery is halted before it can begin. Everything was just a big stupid leadup to nothing.

And you’re still so hungry.

And you sit there, your friend’s head in your lap, and the meteor is cold and dark and her skin is cast sickly pale from the glow of your own making her look young, so young. And she was older than you, once, by a few perigees, and now she’ll never age, and – will you? You don’t even know what’s coming for you. You don’t know if you’ll live or die or if it even matters, if you died already and this is it, the final transformation before you stay the same, the same, the same, the same forever. Will the humans age? Will Vriska, and the dream ghosts? Terezi will, certainly. Will Karkat?

Is it better to die young, or to be young until you die?

You scrape your point talons over her wound and taste the dried blood.

It’s not fresh, but it’s something, and you slowly clean the skin of her abdomen of every clump and clot and fleck and flake, and you finally feel sated.

You also feel – bad. Wrong. There’s something wrong with you and you don’t know if you feel too human or too trollish, too guilty or not guilty enough.

And you’ve killed before. You’ve charged without hesitation, yes, but you’ve also charged with deliberation and malice aforethought and you have never once regretted it because it’s not worth it.

Who cares? Who cares if Eridan’s never going to grow up. Who cares if everything he could have been was cut off at the knees before it could begin. Who cares if he deserved it.

Did an infinity of unborn children deserve it? Did Feferi? Did you?

That’s the justification, and you keep coming back to it, because – maybe sometimes you miss him! He was your friend, sort of, wasn’t he? But in the end there are people you miss so much more and people you are so much more afraid to lose and they have not done what he did. And even if you wanted to regret it – how could you, when you know you would do it a thousand times, because it was and is and will be right. You keep coming back to this: the danger he posed, unpredictable and violent and already the murderer of perhaps his closest friend and of untold millions who never got a future. He chose to squander his when he crossed you and a duty more important than any one of you could ever haven been.

It’s no wonder you wanted Gamzee dead for so long, really. Birds of a feather. You mourn the loss of the friends you had and, yes, of the friends you thought you had, up until those last few horrible hours.

At least Vriska tries to be good. At least she wants that, or says she does. She might still murder millions of ghosts, if the direction meetings occasionally take is to be believed. But they are dead and doomed by the evil you’re all fighting – so it’s good, right?

You’re not sure about that, but you’re sure of this: It’s better.

They’re trolls. Every one of them. So was Nepeta. So was Tavros, despite it all, and so was Aradia, and Equius at least tried to be, and Feferi – she was, too, maybe more than anyone. You’re not sure anyone gave her the credit for it, but she knew exactly who and what she was.

KANAYA: I Do Grieve You You Know
KANAYA: But Not As Much As I Grieve It
KANAYA: The Orb And My Purpose And All That Should Have Been
KANAYA: No Friend Is Worth That Much
KANAYA: ...
FEFERI:
KANAYA: Thank You For Feeding Me Of Your Blood And Of Your Body

You might be human, you think, and then you remember that none of them are anything like you, either. But here’s the comfort, and it comes from only ever hearing stories of who you are supposed to be:

A jadeblood is not quite a troll or a human, in the end. The breeding caverns are isolated, and jades have no place in the empire beyond them. She is nurturing, and ruthless, and dutiful. She does what is necessary.

More fool him, in the end; he sealed his own fate when he crossed the last cavernkeeper in the universe.