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Carlos’s eyes suddenly fly open, trying to adjust to the near-darkness of the room. He takes a deep breath, reaching up to rub at his tired eyes. He turns gently to his left, trying not to move too much. Tapping his phone on the nightstand and squinting at the sudden brightness, he sees that it’s only 3:00 AM. With a frustrated huff, he turns to lay flat again, closing his eyes to try to fall back asleep. That’s when he hears a heavy sob next to him, his heart instantly clenching at the sound.
“TK?” he says, eyes flying open again as he turns to his right this time, rising to try to see his boyfriend through the darkness. “Babe, are you okay?” he asks, worry filling his voice.
TK doesn’t speak, instead letting out another sob. Carlos can tell that he’s trying to bury it, but that it’s too overwhelming. He quickly pulls himself up, turning back to the left to switch on the lamp next to him, but before he can reach it, TK lets out a guttural whine. “Don’t!” he cries, his voice thick. “Please don’t turn on the light, Carlos.”
Carlos freezes, his eyes stinging as he tries to process what’s happening. He’s never heard TK like this. “Okay,” he agrees, turning back to the man lying next to him. His eyes have adjusted enough to see the outline of his boyfriend. TK is clearly lying on his back, and Carlos can feel how hard he is shaking even with the few feet of empty space that separates them. “Okay, no lights.”
He inches slightly closer, but not close enough to touch him. He doesn’t want to scare or overwhelm TK. He can still hear the wet sobs pouring from him, accompanied by heavy sniffling, and if Carlos had to venture a guess, he would predict that TK’s face is covered in tears as he lays back against the pillows.
“I’m right here, Ty,” he says, soft but still loud enough for him to hear. Carlos feels a tear fall onto his own cheek, his heart absolutely breaking for the man he loves. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. It’s going to be okay, Ty. I’m right here, and I love you so much. Try to breathe, okay. You’re going to be okay. I’m right here.”
He keeps repeating the phrases like a mantra, trying to keep his voice steady even when he feels like he’s going to fall apart at any minute. He doesn’t shush TK, or tell him to stop crying; he knows that whatever this is, his boyfriend needs to release it. All he can do is be here for him during and after.
TK seems to respond to his voice, but instead of lessening, his sobs just seem to grow. “I’m sorry,” he stutters out, his words coming out as if he’s under water. “I’m so sorry.”
Carlos can’t stand to hear him apologizing, not for something like this. He moves a little closer, bringing a hand to hang in midair. Now that his eyes have adjusted, he can see the silhouette of his boyfriend’s face. “I’m going to touch you, okay? I love you. I’ll go slow, tell me if you don’t want me to. I’m right here.”
TK freezes, his breath stuttering as Carlos brings his hand down to touch TK’s head, his fingers brushing through his soft hair. The effect is almost instantaneous: TK lets out a guttural cry and, like a rubber band snapping, he rolls over to reach for Carlos, who meets his boyfriend to wrap him in a tight embrace, holding him to his bare chest as TK shakes with fresh sobs.
In seconds, his chest is soaked with tears and mucus and saliva, but he couldn’t care less. Tears continue to fall from his own eyes as he picks up his mantra again, whispering his words of love and support directly against TK’s head as he holds him tight, trying to keep his partner in one piece.
Carlos doesn’t know how long it takes, but after a time, TK’s sobs begin to soften, replaced by sniffles as he struggles to regain control of his breathing. Carlos loosens his hold, giving his lungs more room to expand, as he begins to rub his hands up and down TK’s back to calm him.
“That’s it, you’re okay,” he speaks gently. “Just breathe, babe. In and out, just like that. Follow me. I’ve got you.”
Carlos leads him through several deep, controlled breaths until he feels TK’s body stop trembling. He goes lax in Carlos’s arms, pressing his face firmly against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he breathes out, his voice weak.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Tyler,” Carlos assures him, pressing a kiss into his hair. “I’m right here, I’ve got you. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. If you don’t, I’m still going to be here. Nothing’s going to change that, okay? I’ve got you.”
TK nods, remaining silent. There is quiet all around them. Carlos stares up at the ceiling, his mind racing as he continues to caress TK’s back. Just when he thinks the other man may have fallen asleep, TK speaks, his voice thin and shaky.
“I had a nightmare,” he says. “It was one where you wake up in the nightmare, so it’s hard to tell that it’s not real. Except,” he pauses, his breath hitching, “when I woke up in it, I couldn’t see or hear anything. It was like I was trapped in a sensory-deprivation chamber or something, I felt so disconnected from everything around me. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t hear myself, so I don’t know if I made a sound or not. It was terrifying.”
Carlos remains silent, listening. He can tell TK isn’t finished by the way his breath grows slightly more ragged.
“Then, suddenly, I was somewhere else,” TK continues. “It was like my old apartment in Brooklyn, without any doors or windows, and lying on the ground right next to me was my body. I recognized the clothes I was wearing,” he says, a fresh sob forming to block the words. “They were what I was wearing when I OD’d.”
Carlos lets out a harsh breath, his eyes stinging once more as he hears that his boyfriend just relived the darkest moment of his life in an unexpected nightmare.
“I started yelling, for my dad and for you,” TK cries, his voice breaking as Carlos feels fresh tears on his chest. “But you didn’t come. Neither of you came. And I couldn’t leave to find you. I was all alone, and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t save myself. I just watched myself die.”
He’s overcome with sobs again, and Carlos presses him closer. “Breathe, baby. You’ve gotta breathe for me. I’ve got you, I love you, I’m not going anywhere, but you’ve gotta breathe for me,” he says, his heart shattering.
He keeps repeating the reminder until TK regains control again, collapsing into silence against his chest. Carlos can tell that he’s completely exhausted himself by this point, but he doesn’t want his boyfriend to fall asleep with so many dark thoughts on his mind.
“Do you know how proud I am of you?” he starts, and he feels TK shift in his arms, pressing his face deeper into his chest as he lets out a gasp. “Every day, you get out of this bed, and you go out, and you save the world. You fight every minute to make every day better, in so many big and small ways.
“You’re a constant support system to everyone around you. To your dad, who lives for you, TK. To your brothers and sisters in the 126. You provide so much light for them, you give so much of yourself to make their days brighter, and they love you. They all love you so much. You inspire them with everything you have, and you inspire me, too.
“I waited so long to find you, Ty,” he continues, pouring his heart out to the man he cherishes and adores more than anything in this world. “And when I finally did, you blew me away from that very first moment. Your strength, your passion, your fearlessness, your joy, I saw it all, right then. I fell in love with it all, and I’ve never looked back. Not for one moment. I get out of this bed every day because I want to be like you, TK. I want to be there for people the way you are, I want to be there for you whenever I can be.
“Your dad may have saved your life, but you saved your self. You rebuilt Tyler Kennedy Strand. You did that, and I know that you continue to do it every day, and it makes me so proud to see that. I feel so much love for you, and it gets stronger every day. It’s never going to stop.”
His voice fades away as he reaches the end of his confession, his breathing uneven as he waits. He hopes that TK heard him, that he listened to every word that he said. His boyfriend is his superhero, and he just wants to be able to tell him that for as long as they both live.
A stillness invades their space, cloaking them in a quiet that feels both oppressive and peaceful. Finally, TK pushes up to bring their faces together in the darkness, his forehead resting against Carlos’s cheek. He breathes heavily from the action, and Carlos can feel his exhaustion. Finding a little more strength, TK moves again to press a gentle kiss to his lips, Carlos meeting him softly. It doesn’t go any further, but it doesn’t have to — it’s a simple reaffirmation of everything they are to one another.
“I love you, too, Carlos,” TK whispers when they break apart. “More than I ever thought possible, and more than I will ever be able to tell you.”
TK sinks back down to Carlos’s chest, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as he moves to get comfortable. Carlos’s hands remain on his back, where they’ve stayed, and he lazily strokes up and down TK’s spine to soothe him to sleep.
Carlos remains awake until he is sure that TK’s breathing has evened out, taking a deep, overwhelmed breath of his own when he is certain that he’s asleep. He knows that this isn’t the last time something like this will happen. He knows that TK will have to talk to others about tonight, that he won’t stop reliving his trauma. He knows, as he’s always known, that TK’s past is a part of him, and that it will stay with him forever.
But Carlos also knows that TK won’t let it define him. He will fight his battles, and he will win. Every single time. Carlos believes that, with everything he has.
He believes in TK.