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Xiao Zhan watches as Wang Yibo dances in front of him, body insync with the club’s loud music. His moves are not as precise when he's performing a choreography, nor during the countless times he's asked for a freestyle, but he still exudes the same grace and sensuality and no, that's definitely not Xiao Zhan's biased self speaking.
Xiao Zhan can tell that it's all mindless sways and swinging— just Wang Yibo riding into the beat and flowing with it, but even that looks better than any of his own lanky and awkward practiced moves. He supposes that years of training have been more than enough for him to master the art of commanding everyone's attention while he's on the dance floor, and it's quite unfair for Xiao Zhan because he already can't keep his eyes off him under normal circumstances.
Admittedly, Xiao Zhan is one of the few people who were against Yu Bin's idea of clubbing after their dinner, for reasons they are all aware of but somehow refuse to acknowledge at that time. Wang Yibo, the one who has the most at stake out of everyone, even willingly agreed without any ounces of hesitation. Xiao Zhan finally relented under being subjected to Yu Bin and Ji Li's combined insufferable wheedling, and though no one asked, volunteered to keep watch over them as the only seemingly responsible adult. He still thinks that this is unwise— can already imagine the earful they're about to receive from their respective agents, but seeing how relaxed Wang Yibo looks right now, maybe it isn't that bad of an idea after all.
The music comes to an end as the crowd cheers, then a familiar sexual pop song plays. If someone is to note of his flushed face, then Xiao Zhan will just have to attribute it to his low alcohol tolerance despite only taking a few sips of his beer.
Just then, a patron weaves into the crowd and materializes a couple of steps behind Wang Yibo. Through the heavy blinking lights, Xiao Zhan catches sight of the lingering look and the hungry stare as he watches Wang Yibo move, who is still blissfully unaware of the attention he's getting. An ugly smirk appears on the man's face, and it sets something alight inside of him.
Xiao Zhan is suddenly reminded of why he's sent down despite dutifully staying in their booth upstairs for the past hour or so. He's fairly certain that it isn't just to watch Wang Yibo seduce on the dancefloor. He steps forward and leans closer, closing what remains on the distance between them— falters slightly in his movements when Wang Yibo gives him a blinding smile, and against all his better judgements, secures an arm around the younger's slim waist, stopping him from moving further. Wang Yibo startles a little, though he recovers quite fast as he drapes an arm around him too, the comforting weight helps in grounding Xiao Zhan to focus on what's happening now, instead of the repercussions of later.
Xiao Zhan forces himself to look away from Wang Yibo's lips stretched into a beautiful arc to cast a look behind him. He releases a breath he didn't know he'd been holding when he finds that the interested patron had already left them, his spot taken by a couple who has begun to dance lewdly.
"Zhan-ge," The teasing lilt on Wang Yibo's voice is palpable, his breath ghosting on his sensitive ears. Xiao Zhan involuntarily shivers. "You want to dance with me?"
Xiao Zhan isn't prepared when Wang Yibo dips down to gently nip on his neck— on a spot right below his ear.
Like a cold bucket tipped over his head, Xiao Zhan realizes how dangerous this is. They're surrounded by bodies of faceless people, lost in their own little worlds, yet Xiao Zhan is suddenly overwhelmed by the possibility that someone may recognize them in this kind of position— in this sort of an embrace, in this kind of place. The way he reacted earlier comes back to him in full force, washes over his entire being now that his mind isn't swarmed with the thought of how gorgeous Wang Yibo is, and how it's so easy for him to attract someone— anyone if he wants to. Xiao Zhan knew of the experience firsthand; for months he had to control himself from laying claim to such a wonderful, unattainable person. He thought that whatever fascination that they both seem to develop over the course of filming will fade once they're separated by distance, once their character's own emotions wasn't influencing the way his heart beat wildly inside his chest for every stolen kisses they shared, for every time they spent just cuddling with each other until they both fall asleep after a long day of filming.
Xiao Zhan has almost almost succeeded in convincing himself that he'll be able to walk out of the character and his feelings, but with just one look at Wang Yibo tonight and all his resolve crumbles into dust.
"Zhan-ge?" Wang Yibo calls out, taps on his nose to draw his attention. "Are you alright? Did they make you drink?"
Just what is he doing acting all territorial ?
Xiao Zhan swiftly extricates himself from Wang Yibo's side, and then the deafening volume of the club music floods his ears once more, slamming him back to reality. He thinks he sees Wang Yibo's eyes flash with confusion, then hurt, but it's gone after he blinks, swiped back into his default impassive mask, so he chalks it up as nothing— just his mind playing tricks at him.
"Let's go upstairs." Xiao Zhan says, miraculously steady. He adds some gestures in case his words get drowned by the booming bass, now careful as he puts a safe distance between them. "I think they want me to get you—or something like that. Come on."
Wang Yibo doesn't give him an indication that he understands. Xiao Zhan mentally debates on reaching over and tugging him back at the safety of their own private booth, but ultimately decides against it because: distance.
He tilts his head to the side and then he's turning around, bumping into another patron. He mumbles out his apology before he begins to walk away without looking back again, desperate to get out of the crowd.
Xiao Zhan is at the foot of the stairs that will lead him towards their booth when a hand shoots up to wrap around his wrist, tugging him backwards. Xiao Zhan jolts, alarmed. He only relaxes when he sees that it's just Wang Yibo who has finally caught up to him. He gives him a smile and tries to free his wrist from the tight hold, but it seems like Wang Yibo has other plans because he's now dragging him somewhere else— away from the flight of stairs.
Xiao Zhan lets himself be led to a series of hallway turns.. He's more focused on not tripping over or bumping into others, that's why it doesn't register to him that they're heading for the exit, until Wang Yibo is pushing said door open— the cold gust of wind greeting him as they step outside. Even then, Wang Yibo continues to walk, his questions falling into deaf ears. They only stopped after they entered the first alley available that is hidden from plain view, and before Xiao Zhan has time to think, he's already pushed against the wall, with Wang Yibo hovering over him.
The alarms are going off inside Xiao Zhan's head— loud and clear, but all that he can do is suck in a deep breath and close his eyes. He's hyper aware of Wang Yibo's own thunderous heartbeats; he can feel it with how close he's pressed to him. They stay like that for God knows how long— must be just a couple of moments but it feels too long when he's waiting for something, waiting for Wang Yibo's lips to press against him and shut all the nasty voices inside his head.
He waited and waited, but it never happened.
Xiao Zhan hears Wang Yibo release a shaky exhale, and when he opens his eyes again, he sees the same intensity that the younger used to have whenever he's presented with a complicated fight choreography, or when he's asked to review the scenes for the next take. Wang Yibo is studying him, and in moments like this, Xiao Zhan doesn't know what goes on inside his head, can't guess anything while faced with the impenetrable wall he's built around himself.
So when Wang Yibo decided to break his silence, the words that left his mouth completely threw Xiao Zhan off.
"Kiss me."
Xiao Zhan waits for him to continue. The faint sound of the cars passing by is a background noise in comparison to the pounding of their hearts. But Wang Yibo doesn't dignify that with an explanation, and Xiao Zhan has a storm of questions brewing over his head yet he can only muster a weak reply, and judging by the way Wang Yibo's eyes harden, it isn't the right answer.
"What?"
"You heard me, Zhan-ge." Wang Yibo says, voice gravelly low, challenging. "Kiss me."
It should have been easy. Afterall, it is what he's expecting for him to do earlier. It was what he thought he'd be doing when he's pushed outside and on to the brick wall. He can just tip his head forward and press their lips together, but he's frozen in place, the implication of his request sinking slowly in his muddled brain.
Wang Yibo is giving him a chance to initiate it.
Xiao Zhan wants to, but he can't— he knows he can't. He's giving him a way out on whatever they currently have and Xiao Zhan can almost feel the sand as it slips through his fingers, slowly at first, and then quicker as seconds piled up with him just staring helplessly at Wang Yibo's dark veiled irises. Wang Yibo is demanding for his answer because he had already given him his— from the long and almost pleading kiss that he gave him on their last filming day, to the constant updates of his schedule and mundane activities that Xiao Zhan never asked for but was voluntarily surrendered to him.
It's him who has been running away from all of this, from Wang Yibo and the mess that is his feelings, from the fact that the Summer they spent together had been just a dream— a wonderful dream, and their reality, outside of layers of robes and words that aren't their own, is much harsher and unforgiving.
Wang Yibo suddenly backs away from him, his hands falling limply by his sides, and with his personal space given back he should have been able to breath again, but for some reasons, he still can't. The tight feeling in his chest persists, and Xiao Zhan realizes that it isn't due to the weight of Wang Yibo's lean body against him earlier, but on the idea that after this night, the distance between them will only grow larger.
Wang Yibo's wall shatters, allowing the pain to take full reign on his features. Xiao Zhan closes his fist around nothing; the sand had already pooled under his feet, a blatant reminder that it's too late .
"You're always afraid." Wang Yibo whispers, looking miserable and broken, the most vulnerable Xiao Zhan has ever seen him ever since meeting him. Xiao Zhan's heart lurches at the sight, but he's made up his mind, and second guessing himself is not an option right now so he keeps his hands to himself, nails digging into his palm in an effort to do so. "You want me. I know you do, Zhan-ge, so why won't you take me? Why do you keep on pushing me away?"
Xiao Zhan breaks a little more at the tremor on his voice. The sound of chatters can be heard somewhere from a distance, but Xiao Zhan's too consumed by his own pain to even think of finding them a better place for privacy. The footsteps gradually fade until there's nothing but them, just harsh breaths filling in the silence between them.
"Zhan-ge, please say something."
Xiao Zhan takes a moment to steady himself, and then he's spilling the words he's used to convince himself for the past months.
"You're not Lan WangJi and I'm no longer your Wei Ying." Xiao Zhan starts. He watches as a myriad of emotions flash on Wang Yibo's features, before it settles into anguish. "We're not playing a role now, and whatever we have before, should be left the moment the curtain falls." He can't bear to look at Wang Yibo now, can't bear to witness him break apart because of him. It needs to be said though— Wang Yibo needs to hear this so he braves himself to continue. "This is our reality, Yibo. We have to accept it."
"So you let me kiss you because you viewed me as Lan WangJi?" Wang Yibo asks. "You're not doing it because you like me?"
That, and the crestfallen look on Wang Yibo's face strikes a chord inside him, to the point of almost feeling a physical ache on his chest. It had been easy to hide his feelings behind the notion of character bleed, and easier to pretend that he's soaking up on Wang Yibo's-Lan WangJi's attention on behalf of Wei WuXian inside him. No one questioned their antics, the constant play fights on sets, and the unrivalled closeness between them because it was what the crew had expected for them as the main leads. It had felt liberating to express anything under the guise of being in character, and Xiao Zhan had never felt more free than those four grueling months they spent together on set.
But their separation has proven him otherwise. It's not Lan WangJi's long silky hair that he wishes to thread his fingers into, not his white pristine robes that he wants to make a mess with. It's not Lan WangJi's words and expressions that he longs to see again. It's not Lan WangJi's subtle smiles that keeps him awake at night, his touches that he wishes to feel against his skin. It might have been Lan WangJi at first, but somehow, along the way, it became Wang Yibo at the end. It's Wang Yibo's gremlin self, unique laugh and childish tricks. It's Wang Yibo's never ending tales about his beloved motorcycles and legos, his youthful energy and his affinity to annoy the hell out of him. It might have been Lan WangJi in his dream, but his heart beats for Wang Yibo in his reality.
The realization is daunting. He took a trip to forget about it, buried himself with group practices and several activities that usually worked well to keep his mind off from thinking and his heart from feeling but it's all in vain.
"You're still young, Yibo." Xiao Zhan says after a while, aiming to get a rise out of Wang Yibo in hopes of distracting him from his previous question. "You'll be able to understand me later. You've become too attached to your character, but you'll eventually get over it. Believe me."
Xiao Zhan thinks he succeeded when he receives a fierce glare from the younger man. He has never liked him taking a jab at his age, would always turn sullen about it which is kind of absurd since it's him who often started to make fun of his age. Wang Yibo inhales sharply as he squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them again with a shaky exhale, his piercing stare meets his own wavering ones.
Wang Yibo, of course, understands him all too well.
"Zhan-ge, you're deflecting." Wang Yibo says, in a tone that is eerily calm. It suggests the opposite however— it's the calm before the storm, and Xiao Zhan briefly wonders how long it'll take him to push before he completely snaps. This is not the kind of talk that he envisioned them to have, but Wang Yibo has always been unpredictable. Xiao Zhan should have expected this to happen. "I am asking you if you like me, and not some fictional character. I am asking you if you feel the same way as I do."
It seems like, between them two, Xiao Zhan will be the first one to break. He gathers the remaining threads of his patience and control, but he comes up with almost nothing. He's at his limit already, and Wang Yibo is still not showing any signs of stopping.
"Yibo," Xiao Zhan starts, but before he can lay down what's left on his excuses, Wang Yibo interjects.
"Yes or no, Zhan-ge." Wang Yibo pauses, and in a much desperate tone, he adds, "It's all what I needed. An answer from you."
Xiao Zhan can lie. He can say that no, he doesn't like him, and they can go their separate ways after this. He can just ignore his question and go back inside the club and notify their friends that they aren't kidnapped, or he can try deflecting again. There's a plethora of choices right in front of him, but he can't bring himself to pick one. He feels the familiar prickling heat behind his lids, and oh God— he wishes Wang Yibo's words about having his own switch when it comes to his tears is true because he needs to turn it off right now. He can't cry now, at least, not in front of Wang Yibo.
"Zhan-ge,"
The last of Xiao Zhan's defenses crumble, leaving him to bleed over his own heartache.
"I like you." Xiao Zhan mumbles eventually. He swallows the lump that forms in his throat, but it only settles at the pit of his stomach, like a dreaded weight. His confession hangs over them— heavy and stifling, and Xiao Zhan can't bear to witness Wang Yibo's reaction so he tilts his head up, hoping it'll at least help him keep his tears at bay. The silence that follows is deafening, and before he can allow his thoughts to get the better of him again, Xiao Zhan is finally, finally saying what he really wants to say. "Do you hear me Wang Yibo? I said I like you."
A gasp that is definitely not his own, echoes. He hears rather than sees Wang Yibo move closer, and then his shaking fists are suddenly envelope in a welcoming warmth. He opens his hand, wincing a little once the cold air touches his palm, certain that he has unconsciously dug crescents again from clenching too hard. Wang Yibo laces their hands together, and Xiao Zhan is too drained to push him away, so he just lets it happen.
He's not done speaking yet though, so he wills himself to focus, his eyes still trained on the starless sky above. The need to cry is still there, threatening to spill over. "I have come to realize it after filming. I like you, but the kind of like that we have is different."
The hand against him stiffened. Xiao Zhan expects him to pull away, but he doesn't. "How is it different?"
"You'll get over this eventually. You'll realize that you don't really like me." Xiao Zhan explains patiently, his voice strained in an effort to be calm; the words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. "You're still young, Yibo." He repeats. "You're just confused. This is dangerous for us— for you. You can get ruined by this. This is different from the set-up that we have in A-Ling, you need to understand—"
"Zhan-ge!" The hands that were previously on his own, move to clutch on his arms to shake him, halting his monologue. This effectively forces him to face the younger, surprised by the outburst. "I'm not a kid anymore." He grits out. "I know what I'm doing. I know what would happen when I kissed you, but I still did." Wang Yibo's grip is tight, but Xiao Zhan makes no move to break free. "Stop making excuses for me. I want this— I want you."
The last words ring on his ears. Xiao Zhan shakes his head and tampers the budding hope down in his chest. Wang Yibo is still not getting the bigger picture here. "Think about your career, Yibo. Think about your fans, the management, your parents— the reaction of the people around you." Xiao Zhan's voice breaks. "You can't like me."
"Then how about you?" Wang Yibo asks, rendering him speechless. He picks up this moment of confusion, and plunges on. "You're always thinking about others, and now you're still thinking about me. How about you then?" A tear stubbornly escapes from his eyes, and Wang Yibo's face softens, along with his hold on him. Xiao Zhan blinks fast, the sight of Wang Yibo slowly blurring in front of him. "You're the sweetest, the kindest and the most considerate person that I know. But you're also the most stubborn, and it's a lot especially coming from me."
A new wave of tears flows, like a damn has been broken and now it can't stop. "Don't start now, Yibo."
He only sees him shake his head, but he can't make out the expression he's making. He must look pathetic, crying like this after putting up a front. He swipes a hand to clear his vision, but it does so little to help him. Truthfully, after he had come to terms with his feelings, he's immediately plagued with what ifs and the dangers that lie ahead if Wang Yibo is serious with his advances— in which he really is, and has been telling him just as much tonight. It's him who refuses to believe him in order to stick with what he'd spent countless nights thinking over, but it seems like it's not just him who is prepared for this confrontation. Wang Yibo is scarily determined, and he always has an answer reserved for him, the right questions to ask to push him. It's almost as if he knows how his mind works— what he thinks, and it should have been terrifying to be this easy to read but for some reasons, just because it's Wang Yibo, it isn't.
"Don't run away, ge. Trust me." Wang Yibo's voice pilfers through his thoughts, the screaming voices finally tapering off into quiet murmurs. Xiao Zhan blinks hard and a bead falls on his cheek, his eyes finally clearing. He takes a moment to regain himself, just enough so he can gaze straight into Wang Yibo's eyes again, just enough so he can find what he's looking for before he gives himself up. Strays of tears still fall, but Xiao Zhan can control himself not to sob, and when hope starts to bloom on his chest again, he finally allows it to grow.
"Take a chance on me." Wang Yibo says firmly. The only thing that gives away on how nervous he is can only be seen on the way his fists shake a little, and Xiao Zhan can barely recognize a handkerchief that materializes in his hand. He probably took it out when he first started to cry, but kept it to himself because he remembers him saying that he doesn't know how to comfort someone, especially if they're crying. Wang Yibo is awkward like that. Xiao Zhan can't believe that he likes him.
"You can't take it back. You already said it." Wang Yibo replies, and Xiao Zhan realizes that he's spoken the last thought out loud. "Trust me, Zhan-ge. We'll make it work." He flicks his eyes up again to look at him, and now that he isn't clouded with a thousand and more worries, he can see the tired lines that appear on Wang Yibo's youthful face, the firm set of his jaw and the unwavering sincerity that pours out of his gaze.
Xiao Zhan is supposed to be the older one— the mature one, and yet Wang Yibo is handling this better than him. He looks stressed and worn out, yes, but his gait is determined— unyielding despite hearing all the nonsense he's been giving him. Something locks into place the more he stares at him. Maybe it's the doubts and fears finally suppressed and stored somewhere else— somewhere far, and then when he takes another deep breath, his chest isn't as tight as what it had been earlier.
Wang Yibo wants him.
He wipes the last remnants of tears from his face. He doesn't know how much time had passed with them just standing— with him thinking and with Wang Yibo waiting, but he figures it must have been awhile. It feels like an eternity and more.
Xiao Zhan clears his throat, startling Wang Yibo, who then straightens up in attention. His voice is a bit scratchy when he finally says, "It will be hard."
It only takes a beat before Wang Yibo is nodding furiously, his hair flopping at the intensity of it. If Xiao Zhan thinks that he's already resolute earlier, the implication on his words magnified it tenfold. "Yes, I know."
"We won't see each other often because of our schedules." He continues. "Even then, we can't just casually meet in public for no reason at all because it will ultimately draw suspicions."
Wang Yibo is practically buzzing, and Xiao Zhan can tell that he's trying very hard not to break out into a smile. Xiao Zhan ignores any lingering thoughts that will convince him otherwise— that will talk him out of choosing himself, focusing all his attention solely on the interesting soul in front of him.
"We have to tell our respective agents about this." To his surprise, a hint of embarrassment flashes across Wang Yibo's features. Intrigued, Xiao Zhan adds, "We can't keep this to ourselves, they have to know."
Wang Yibo shakes his head, the heat rising on his cheeks as he admits, "I already told them. They know that I like you."
To say that Xiao Zhan is surprised is the biggest understatement. He's nonplussed, aware that he's gaping, but Wang Yibo seems to take his silence in the wrong way because he's stumbling over his words for an explanation, a little panicked.
"I mean, they just suddenly asked me one day— I confirmed it, because there's no point in lying right? They said it's quite easy to tell given how I usually am, and that's how they figured it out. You see, I—, everyone can see it Zhan-ge, except for you, I thought—"
"They're not mad about it?" Xiao Zhan cuts in before Wang Yibo can continue, sparing him from rambling further. "They let you do what you want?"
"They're furious, of course, but they got over it. They know me, and convincing me to do otherwise will just push me to continue." Wang Yibo appears sheepish now, shifting his weight from one foot to another. "They just told me to be extra careful, since you know, this is—" He pauses, but Xiao Zhan knows what he intends to say. They're different —no, scratch that. They're s pecial. "I have to sit in on a long meeting with them, and at the end they told me to coordinate with them at all times. Never do something that will give it away. But it's good, right? The fact that they already know?"
Xiao Zhan stares at him. He thinks about the time he's spent running from his heart's desires. He thinks about how cowardly he was, when Wang Yibo had already gone through what he could only imagine as hell, despite downplaying what actually went down with said meeting. Wang Yibo went through all of that yet he's still here with him, even after hearing him say words he didn't really mean, even after hurting him.
Wang Yibo likes him this much.
"You're really something, Wang Yibo. What am I going to do with you?" Xiao Zhan breathed out eventually, when words eventually came to him. His unsuppressed fondness bleeds on his voice— the emotion he's certain was his own, and Wang Yibo feels it too because he's finally, finally smiling that smile that reaches his eyes.
"You can love me." He says. Something bubbles in Xiao Zhan's chest, and when he opens his mouth, it is to let out a laugh. He feels giddy, light, and happy— the happiest since they parted. He deprived himself of this feeling, but there's no use regretting it, now that he's willing to take Wang Yibo's hand.
And he tells him as much.
"I will." This time, it's Xiao Zhan who steps forward and into Wang Yibo's personal space. "I'm sorry for running away from you. You're right. I was always afraid."
It's Wang Yibo who seals the distance between them, his head falling to rest on Xiao Zhan's shoulder, obscuring the latter from seeing his expression. Xiao Zhan wounds him closer in a hug, and then he hears him against his hoodie— Wang Yibo going pliant on his arms.
"Yeah, you should be sorry." His words are a bit muffled, but Xiao Zhan can still hear the playfulness laced on it that suggests he's not really serious about it. He arranges himself so he's burrowing his face at the junction of his neck— warm puffs of breath hitting against his skin. "I was afraid too, but I think I'll regret it more if I didn't try."
"Thank you."
Wang Yibo hums, his arms squeezing tighter on his middle. Xiao Zhan wants to say more, but he figures he still has plenty of time later. For now, his heart is finally at peace— the voices quieten down into barely audible murmurs. This position is reminiscent of the days back when they're still filming for A-Ling— after an emotional scene and they couldn't just step out from their characters, but tonight is different.
"Can I kiss you now?"
Wang Yibo peels his face away from where he's hiding, his expression open, his eyes glinting with all the fondness and he's looking at him— the most important part is that he's looking at him—this is all for him and Xiao Zhan feels the world comes to a startling halt.
Xiao Zhan has always loved gazing into Wang Yibo's eyes, more so now that he can be reminded of the extent of his affection there. He can speak millions through his eyes, and Xiao Zhan is willing to learn every single thing though right now, he's content to see love reflected right there.
It's more than enough.
"Thought you'd never ask." Wang Yibo grins, and that's just the confirmation that Xiao Zhan needs to hear before he's swooping down to press their mouth together, heart growing fonder at the fact that he's kissing the smile on Wang Yibo's face. It feels like this is their first ever kiss, and it may as well just be with the way they took their time just feeling the drag of their lips against each other. Wang Yibo moves and then Xiao Zhan finds himself backed into the wall again, his laugh swallowed by Wang Yibo's sweet kisses.
That Summer with A-Ling had been a wonderful dream, but this— with Wang Yibo fitting nicely on his arms and breathing the same air as him, is the reality that he'll never forsake. It will be hard, but the thought was made sweeter with the fact that he's not alone— would never be alone.
He won't run away now, only going forward, together.