Chapter Text
“How do you feel?” Jessica asked Justin, taking in the way he looked. He wasn’t too different, a little happier maybe, but that could have just been due to the fact that they had thrown him a party. Nobody had ever thrown him a party before. And especially not one to welcome him home.
“Good,” he said with a nod. “I feel good.” He leaned on the table and she stood beside him. Everybody had decided to give them some space, talking amongst themselves rather than all crowding him at once.
She smiled, “good.” They both gently laughed, having now exchanged the word twice. “Do you like the party?” She asked with a wide smile. “I planned it. All of it.”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling back. “I do. You did a great job.” His arm was resting on the table and she reached out to hold his hand.
Jessica tilted her head, staring at him and studying his expression. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
He nodded, “yeah, I’m just… It’s a lot to take in.”
Leaning beside him on the table, Jessica stared up with her eyes wide. “Well, you can just take me in…for now.” That made him smile, widely, as he tried not to laugh.
“Jess,” he said with a laugh. “We can do that later.”
She scoffed, jokingly. “I did not mean sex,” she said. “I meant you could at least ask how I’m doing.”
“Shit,” he went wide eyed. Then his tone fell back into casual conversation. “How are you doing?”
Jessica grinned so widely, she nearly bit her bottom lip. “I’m doing much better now.”
Justin slowly nodded, “cool,” he managed to say. Something was strange about him. Something was different. Jessica wasn’t sure what it was.
She was staring at him, the silence between them growing on the cusp of awkward. “Did you miss me?” She asked.
The corners of his lips turned up. “When do I not miss you?”
She smiled so widely her cheeks hurt and she had to stare at the floor to make herself stop. “You’re still stupid cheesy, I see.”
He clicked his tongue, “yeah, the drugs had nothing to do with that.”
Staring at him, Jessica reached up to hold his face in her hands. “You seem really good,” she said gently. “I’m really proud of you.” Then he smiled like she had never seen him smile before. Like a child. Like a sweet, innocent child who had finally been given validation.
“Thank you,” he barely managed to say, sheepishly, like he was embarrassed. Jessica stood up on her toes and hooked her arms around his neck so he came closer. He reached out and held his hands to her waist, holding her close. She had missed the way he held her. It had been a long month. She had been lonely, and hurt. She was trying to find some sanity in the Bryce situation, and so far she had found very little.
Jessica brought her face close to his, her arms hooked around his neck as she looked into his eyes. “What fun things did they make you do in rehab?” She asked. “Better than running suicides I imagine.”
He nodded, “definitely better than that.” But then he hesitated. “We can talk about it later,” he said. “I’m kind of hungry and I gotta know what those are.” He pointed at the plate in the centre of the table and Jessica’s face lit up.
“Charlie made cookies,” she said with a smile, withdrawing her arms from around his neck. “I was going to make brownies but I was too busy setting up the whole room.” Justin only laughed. “Clay was like… a fucking mess.” She pouted her bottom lip and shrugged. “Worse than you.” She meant it as a joke, but he didn’t take it that way.
“I’m not a mess anymore,” he said quietly. “I’m clean.” Jessica’s eyes rounded in concern as she reached back up to him.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she assured him, holding his face in her hands. “I just meant that your side of the room was always messy.”
He cracked a small smile. “I always cleaned up when you came over, though.”
She grinned, her thumbs stroking his cheek. “I know, and I appreciated that.” Still sharing her smile, Justin reached over to the plate and picked up one of the cookies Charlie made. He took a bite, his eyes still connected to hers and they just laughed. She really did love him. He never needed to do anything to make her love him, he just had to exist. She wondered if he knew that. Did he know that there was nothing he could do to disappoint her, at least nothing he was capable of. He was too good, and he loved her too much. And there was nothing Jessica loved more than being loved. At least nothing more than him.
When Justin walked out of the bathroom, he noticed the empty room, save for one person. Jessica was lying on his bed, holding her phone up over her face as she scrolled through it. He took a few more steps into the room, watching her while she didn’t notice him. She was so beautiful and he had missed her so much. It made seeing her again, after spending a month in rehabilitation, so hard. Knowing what he had to say, and what he had to ask of her. But she would understand. She was amazing like that, she understood him. She respected him and she knew better than anybody else in his life what he was going through.
He had to stop smiling, as he looked at her. “You’re still here,” he noted, his voice gentle in the silence. Jessica dropped her phone immediately, surprised he had come out.
She nodded. “Of course, I wanna hear all about rehab. You promised me.”
One side of his smile turned up in humour. “You sure, it’s pretty depressing?”
Jessica’s smile only widened. “Of course. You haven’t said fuck once in the last five hours and I’m so curious why.” She sat up straight on the bed and tucked her legs under until she was just sitting by his pillow. Sweetly, she patted the bed in front of her and stared at him. She was so happy today. So smiley and excited. He hadn’t seen her like this in so long, and he loved it when she was like this. He loved everything about her. And they had taught him in rehab that if that wasn’t enough for her, that he loved her unconditionally, then the relationship needed to end. He worried about that. He worried if he could seperate himself from her, from seeing her every day, enough to focus on getting better.
Smiling back at her, he came and sat opposite her on the bed. “Would you rather I say fuck?” He asked her.
Her smile turned into a smirk as she looked into his eyes. “Only in specific situations,” she said. Holding her hand out to him, he took it in his own and ran his thumb over her knuckles. She sat up on her knees and leaned over until their lips were inches away. “Can I propose that we do all the talking stuff later, and take advantage of being alone?” She bit her bottom lip and he saw how soft her skin looked, and how badly he wanted to kiss her. “I haven’t felt good in so long.” Instead of kissing him, she moved her head ever so slightly so that the tip of her nose grazed against his, and he smiled.
“Jess,” he whispered, and it was almost breathless, “I love you.” That made her smile as she stared down at his lips, she was waiting for him to make the first move. He wasn’t going to. “But I have to tell you something.” That caught her blindsided. She stopped, her brow furrowing as her eyes went from his lips to to focus on the look in his eyes.
“What?” She asked quietly. “Does it have to be now?” That made him laugh. She was still Jessica, and he so badly wanted to kiss her too. But he needed to tell her the most important thing for his recovery.
“Yeah,” he whispered back, “it’s gotta be now.” Their eyes lingered on one another for a moment, both of them inwardly debating whether to have this conversation, or to just do it later and take each others clothes off right now and make up for a month of celibacy. But slowly, and hesitantly, Jessica began to lean back. Justin didn’t doubt that if he decided to kiss her then and there, all talk would go out the window. She was waiting for him to do it, and she was sorely disappointed when he didn’t.
“What’s up?” She asked him, folding her legs underneath her and watching him with all her attention. She wasn’t upset. She wasn’t mad. She was eager to listen to whatever he wanted to tell her, and maybe that just made the whole thing harder.
He shook his head, staring at his hands in his lap as he tried to find the words. Asking her to talk was one thing, but finding the right words was another. “Jess,” he said, again. His face screwed up as he tried to focus on the right thing to say. The nice thing. The understandable thing. “I need some space,” he said slowly, like he didn’t even know if the words would come out of his mouth but they did. Jessica’s brow furrowed.
“Space?” She asked, and she shuffled back on the bed, so as to give him more space physically. That made him smile to himself.
“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean with us. And I don’t mean it’s because of you, or anything like that. It was just something they told me at the end to help with my first few weeks, or months, of staying clean.”
Jessica was hesitant. “Like a break up?” She asked innocently, her eyes full of concern. She was afraid.
“No,” he answered before he could think. God no, he thought. Never. “Just like, I have to put myself first, and my recovery. And I can’t put us first.”
She nodded, slowly. “I get that,” she said softly. “That’s okay.”
“Really?” He asked her, surprised she was so understanding. He thought she’d want a deeper explanation.
“Yeah,” she said. “Staying clean should be your first priority. I get that. Eventually, it’ll get easier and you’ll grow beyond that. But for now, if that’s what matters then I wanna help you.” They were staring at each other, and then she blinked. As if a thought had crossed her mind. “But, Justin, you don’t have to do this alone.” She reached out and ran the tips of her fingers along his hands. “Nobody should ever struggle alone. I want to help you, the way you helped me.” He looked down at their hands, smiling through the way his heart hurt.
“Jess,” he said quietly, “you make space so hard.”
She drew her bottom lip through her teeth. “Tell me what you want and I’ll do it. Okay?”
He nodded, grateful. “I’m sorry,” he said. But he shouldn’t have apologised. There was nothing wrong with asking for what he needed. Jessica would have told him just that if she weren’t the person he was apologising to. “I know you wanted us to be public, and stuff, now that you’re ready. But I don’t think I am.”
Jessica nodded. “That’s okay,” she said. “So, tell me about rehab.” With a supportive smile, Jessica untucked one leg and stretched it out beside him. And he had to consciously stop himself from reaching out and running his fingers along her skin. Which she knew, but she did it anyway.
“Uh,” he drawled, distracted by her before he pulled his attention back to the conversation and looked into her eyes. “We just talked a lot, about stuff. Went hiking, which was cool, I guess.”
Her expression lit up. “Did you do one of those classes where they make you paint your feelings?”
Hesitantly, he nodded. “Sure did.”
Jessica smiled. “Was it creepy? Did anybody paint something really fucked up?”
He shook his head. “No, it was mostly like… Colours and weird shit. Someone painted a chair. And a dog.”
“What did you paint?” She asked curiously.
He shrugged. “Just like, a… house. A house with a family.”
Her lips stretched into an endearing smile. “I love that,” she said. “Did you get to bring it back?” He shook his head and she pouted. “Aw, I wanted to see your sexy house painting.”
“It was not sexy, trust me. You know I can’t paint.” Grinning, she bit her bottom lip. He never thought she would be this happy after they took a break. He had expected her to be a little upset. But she wasn’t.
“I’m sure your painting put all the others to shame.” With a small smile, he reached out and ran his hand down her leg, from her thigh to her ankle. She moved her leg closer, until it pressed against him. He didn’t think she was doing any of this on purpose. She wasn’t trying to seduce him into being official, or taking back the break. She was just touch starved. He couldn’t be mad.
There was a hundred things running through his head, before he stared up at her. “Do you believe in me?” He asked quietly. “Do you think I can do it?”
She nodded, enthusiastically. “Of course I do.” She tucked her leg back in underneath her and shuffled closer until their knees were touching. “I always believed in you.”
He smiled, but deep down he wanted to cry. “I believe in me too.” That made her smile widely, like an excited child. She reached out and grabbed his hand in her own before bringing it up to her lips and kissing his knuckles. Watching her, he grazed his fingers along her jaw before shaking his head.
“Jess,” he protested gently and she released his hand.
“Shit,” she whispered, “I’m sorry. I forgot.”
He was watching her carefully, wanting to speak but his voice caught in his throat. “Can I ask you something?” He didn’t know why he had said that. Why he was about to say what he was going to say. It was too soon, but, she had made it abundantly clear that she loved him. Carefully, she nodded that he could. “What can I do to prove to you that I’m not the same person as I was the night it happened? How can I be good enough for you?”
“You are,” she said. “Just stay clean and take care of yourself.” She bit her lip. “Justin, I get it. I get why it happened for you. I do.”
“You do?”
She nodded, “and I think you know too.”
He stared at her, and realised she wanted to hear why. “Because I was afraid of losing what I had. What I didn’t think I deserved from anybody else. Just him.”
Jessica stared at him sincerely, he thought she might cry. “He’s dead, and I know you loved him. But he hurt you.”
Justin nodded. “He did.”
“Did you talk about him?” She asked curiously.
“Yeah, I mean, a bit.” He stared at her. “I talked about my childhood… About my mom… Seth…” He looked at her, staring at her deep brown eyes. “You.”
“What about me?” She asked.
He smiled. “About how much I love you.” That made her smile too. “About how badly I hurt you. About how my guilt led to the heroin. And led me here.” He shrugged. “We just traced it all back to a starting point.”
“To me?” She questioned in disbelief.
“Among other shit.”
Jessica’s face fell. “What other shit?” She asked, her tone taking an edge.
He stared at her, confused by the harshness of her expression. “Just like, the tapes. My own trauma as a kid. What that brought up in the moment.”
Jessica’s gaze turned sour. “So you blamed me?” Her lips turned into a scowl. “That’s why you want space. You think I’m like, what? Bad for you?”
His brow furrowed, “no,” he insisted. “Jess, never.”
“Who told you to take the break? And why?”
He shrugged sheepishly. “The therapist,” he said.
“So the therapist heard what Bryce did, and thought you needed a break from me?” Her face screwed up. “Why the fuck?”
“No, that’s not it,” he argued gently. “It’s just that… I’m still not there yet. I’m still not over what happened. I need to put it behind me.”
“So, what? Put me behind? Cause, I’m what? Not healthy?” Her eyes turned mournful. “Justin, I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to be whatever you need me to be.”
“Jess, I know.” He looked down at his hands in his lap, avoiding her eyes. “But this. All of this. It’s like I’m too dependant on you. I need to know I can keep myself clean without external pressure.”
“Pressure?” She sounded accusatory, but then she fixed her tone. “Look, I get it.” She shook her head in finality. “I’ll give you the space.” Then her gaze turned dark. “I just can’t promise I’ll wait for you forever.” And then she climbed off the bed, and picked up her bag. Justin turned and watched her. She walked out of the outhouse with finality and he didn’t really know or understand what had just happened. Did she feel guilty for causing his addiction? Was she angry he had talked about her in therapy? Had the mentions of Bryce brought something up for her? Did she find it unfair that she had been hurt that night, and he was asking her for space? He really didn’t know.