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Remus wakes suddenly, a strangled gasp dislodging from his throat. He bolts upright in bed, a hand settling over his chest as his heart beats so loudly it feels like it might just hammer right through his ribcage. His eyes dart around his darkened room, trying to see that clearly, it wasn’t real, he’s in his room, everything’s fine.
But it doesn’t work.
For the most part, nightmares don’t bother Remus. Representing intrusive thoughts, among other things, he isn’t a stranger to odd dreams himself. After all, he enjoys filling Thomas’s mind with the strangest scenarios he can come up with, populating his dream with gore and monsters. So when he has nightmares, usually he wakes up fairly unphased. He’s never been one to struggle seeing them as anything but silly, because Remus likes silly things and nightmares are often a lot of fun. It’s exhilarating, to wake up all of a sudden with a mind full of horrific images.
He likes the bits in dreams where you can’t outrun the threat and your limbs become heavy. Dreams where you need to go to the bathroom and there’s a toilet in the middle of a room amuse him to no end. Even horrific dreams where people are slaughtered in horribly graphic ways do little to unsettle him; in all fairness, almost nothing unsettles Remus. Almost. 99% of the time, Remus’s nightmares don’t feel real.
This one did, though.
This dream was something truly horrible. He knows repression won’t work, of course he does, but in vain he tries to cast the images from his mind. It only makes things worse. He holds his head in his hands, both hands taking a fistful of hair and tugging hard. On the off-chance that his dreams do cause him distress, causing some kind of physical pain, even in a small way, will usually snap him out of it.
It doesn’t work this time. his heart is still beating incredibly fast and his breathing is ragged and uneven and he’s panicking, he’s spiraling, he’s –
He needs to get a fucking grip! It’s just a stupid dream, he’s not a child, this shouldn’t be upsetting him as much as it is! He’s the duke, for fuck’s sake. He’s crude, he says whatever’s on his mind, no matter how messed up it is, he has no rhyme or reason for his actions. So little scares him, he’s the one who tends to frighten others. But this…this terrifies him.
Logan died. Logan dropped dead at his feet, covered in gouges, bleeding out. Blood, there was so much blood. And the things that Logan had said, “Help me, Remus. Don’t let me die.” Remus had tried so desperately to help him, he’d held Logan and tried to fix things, but the blood was coming so fast and then he stopped breathing and Remus shook him and yelled but nothing worked. Logan was gone. It was all his fault.
It’s just a dream, Logan’s fine. He’s probably asleep in his bed right now, Remus notes, glancing at the clock to see that it’s just past 2:00 A.M. But the knowledge does little to ease Remus’s anxieties. He’s trying so hard to calm down, just to fucking breathe like a normal person. But thoughts of “what if’s” cloud his mind. What if Logan’s hurt? What if Logan’s dead? What if Logan’s dying right now and if Remus doesn’t check on him right this second, he’ll be gone? Remus feels like he’s swapped places with Virgil with as much anxiety that’s running through his veins as there is, but he can’t cease it no matter how much he’s trying.
Remus is on his feet before he’s even aware of what he’s doing. For a moment, he hesitates, thinking of how he’ll disturb Logan, how Logan will be grumpy when he wakes him up. Their relationship is so new, so complicated, Remus doesn’t want to do anything to get on his bad side. He’s already on everyone else’s bad side, the idea of sabotaging his relationship with Logan is something that’s horrific to think about. Logan’s one of the only people who he trusts, and he listens. Nobody listens like Logan does, not even Janus, someone who puts up with him but doesn’t really take anything he says seriously. Logan does, though, he sees that not everything that comes out of Remus’s mouth is mindless drivel. A lot of it is, but still, he can see through the cracks in Remus’s façade of madness.
It’s not anything he was ever expecting, intimacy with logic. He supposes he’d thought of Logan as so stuffy and boring. Logan made it such a point to express that he was emotionless, and while Remus had never actually fully believed it, he certainly hadn’t understood the true depth of Logan’s feelings. And it’s such a privilege that he’s gotten to see such a raw, emotional side of Logan in these past few months. Smiles that are meant only for him, embraces that are so solid and warm, conversations that jump from topic to topic joyfully. Logan can keep up with him no matter what oddball disgusting things he’s talking about and he does so enthusiastically.
The others don’t approve of their relationship, Remus knows it. None of them have voiced it, not wanting to hurt Logan or make him feel unwanted. Never mind how Remus feels, they couldn’t care less. But they coddle Logan, knowing they’re often already too often walking on eggshells around him. So they whisper their disapproval out of earshot. He sees the concern in Patton’s eyes, the disinterest in Janus’s attitude, the sharp glares that his brother sends his way, Virgil's scowls. They don’t think Remus deserves Logan and shit, maybe he doesn’t, but he has him and he’s never had anything so good.
So, the idea of waking Logan up and pissing him off is something that sounds absolutely abysmal – except Remus still can’t catch his breath, and he knows he’s not going to until he sees with his own eyes that Logan is safe and sound. Remus tiptoes through his bedroom and down the hallway, feeling his hand tremble as it turns the handle on Logan’s door.
The room is dark, illuminated only by the glow-in-the-dark stars that cover Logan’s ceiling because he’s an adorable fucking dork. Remus sees him lying in bed, his chest rising and falling in peaceful breaths, signifying that he is very much alive. He looks so content, so free of his usual stresses that Remus knows he should let him be. Except…he’s still trembling so much, his thoughts muddled with horrific things. So he finds himself walking into the room and standing beside Logan’s bed. The floor groans beneath his feet as he shuffles in place, trying to stop himself from crawling into bed with Logan and curling up beside him. That's odd too, the restraint he exhibits with Logan instead of invading his personal space at all times like he usually would with anyone else.
Logan’s eyes flutter open and, shit, Remus realizes he shouldn’t have come so close because Logan sits up, rubbing his eyes and squinting in Remus’s direction.
“Remus?” Logan’s voice is deep and muddled from sleep. He’s such an idiot, why did he have to wake Logan up? Why can’t he do anything in his miserable life right?
“I’m sorry,” Remus means to say. He intends to explain that he’s had a bad dream and he was just checking on him, but he’s totally fine now, no reason to worry, he’ll leave. Except what actually comes out of his mouth is a bubbling sob. Remus hadn’t even realized he was crying up until now.
Quickly, Logan flicks on his bedside lamp and puts his glasses on haphazardly. Remus stands there staring down at the floor and shaking.
“Remus, dear, what’s wrong? What happened?” Logan reaches a hand out, lightly touching his forearm. Warmth blooms up Remus’s arm at the content and without thinking he throws his arms around Logan and buries his face in the crook of his neck. Logan stiffens for a moment, and surely, this is the part where Logan hates him forever now. He's going to tell him to get out of his room and never allow him to come back. But then he’s hugging Remus back, holding him close and whispering reassuring phrases that Remus can barely focus on.
He finds himself sat on Logan’s bed with no memory of getting onto it, but then Logan’s arms are wrapped around him again and he can’t stop sobbing into his shoulder and getting his pajama shirt all wet.
“I’m sorry,” Remus tries to say again, but he’s gasping for air. He’s drowning, and the surface of the water is getting farther and farther away, unreachable. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he’s going to die, he’s going to –
Logan’s voice cuts through the layers of panic just barely, instructing him to do a breathing exercise he’s seen him do with Virgil. It’s hard, he feels so weighed down by exhaustion, his limbs made of lead but somehow Logan manages to get through to him. It takes a long time, the amount of time being something Remus is completely unaware of, but eventually Remus is able to regulate his breathing and the crying for the most part ceases.
“I’m – I’m sorry,” he says finally, hoarsely and quiet, “I…I had a nightmare. You were dead. I-it was all my fault.”
Remus isn't used to being the vulnerable one. It usually takes so much to get to a snapping point, Remus is not easily broken down. He’s the one who’s good at disturbing others, he’s talented at driving people away, driving them nuts.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Logan says so earnestly it might just make him burst into tears again, “It’s alright. You’re safe. I’m safe. I’m glad that you came to me.” Remus pulls his face away from Logan’s shoulder, bloodshot eyes meeting a calm, reassuring gaze.
“You…you are?”
“Of course I am. I would never want you to suffer alone.”
But I have suffered alone, Remus almost says, I’ve suffered alone for so long. I completely forgot what it felt like, to be wanted. To feel safe. The absence of suffering. He doesn’t say that though, instead melting into Logan’s embrace, letting the logical side rub slow circles into his back before shutting the lights off and tucking him in.
In the past Remus never would’ve imagined how secure Logan’s embrace would feel. He curls into Logan, laying his head on his chest, listening intently to his heartbeat.
“Are you feeling any better?” Logan asks kindly because that’s what he is. He’s kind and compassionate and so the opposite of cold and analytical and unfeeling. Logan has awakened more feelings in Remus in the last few months than he’s felt in years.
Are you feeling any better? It’s almost a silly question. Of course Remus feels better, he’s with Logan. He’s wrapped in his arms, finally calm and okay. He’s okay, they’re both okay.
“Yeah,” Remus says sleepily, already beginning to drift off again, “Thanks, dork.” Remus hopes saying that will downplay the intensity of his emotions, that it will do something to mask the fact that in all his existence he’s never felt so wanted, that no one has ever been as good to him as Logan has.
"No thanks are necessary,” Logan responds, clearly seeing through Remus’s bullshit because of course he does, he’s too smart not to, “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Remus doesn’t know what to say to that, so he decides on saying nothing, his eyes shutting knowing he’s safe here, he can find peace with Logan. Even if he has another dream, which is doubtful considering they almost never happen in succession, he’ll have Logan to help him snap back to reality.
He’s almost completely asleep again when he hears Logan say, ever so quietly:
“I love you, Remus.”
And oh, oh my. Logan’s never said that before, he hasn’t either. For a second, he wonders if there aren’t any weight to the words, that maybe Logan’s overtired and doesn’t mean it. But no, the sincerity in Logan’s tone settles over him like a blanket, warm and fuzzy and so full of feelings. He means it, someone loves him. Logan loves him.
“I love you too.” It comes so easy, saying it. The moment the words leave his mouth, he’s sure they were always meant for Logan. He’ll get to say them when they wake, he realizes happily. He’ll wake in his boyfriend’s bed and now that it’s been spoken, he’ll get to say it as much as he wants to. Fuck whatever the other sides think of them, he loves Logan and Logan loves him. He loves him in all of his weirdness, in all of his gross comments and strange, deporable behavior.
He loves him.
“Goodnight, dear,” Logan says, holding him tight. After tonight, Remus is almost positive he’ll never want to sleep alone again. This is too good not to come back to, too pure, and at this point he’s fairly sure Logan won’t mind him returning.
“Night, nerd.”
Remus’s eyes fall closed, the world shifting to a peaceful darkness. His thoughts are not filled with horrors or death, he thinks not of regret and pain and sorrow.
Remus drifts to slumber, thinking only of love.
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