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I was sitting on the stage at my high school graduation. The Principle, most known for reading inappropriate books in his office, was standing at the lectern speaking to my hung-over, tired, and emotional classmates and their thank-God-VCE-is-over parents. Most of the girls were weepy.
I was looking out at my fellow students and casting my verdict about their collective destinies (because I was eighteen and knew everything, well, not everything, but I did know, for example, that when using tomato in a sandwich, it is best to remove the seeds so the bread doesn’t get soggy).
The Principle clears his throat. “And remember, ladies and gentlemen, that those who break the rules are scum, that's true, but those who abandon their friends and family are worse than scum.” The audience breaks into applause as Mr. Hatake goes to sit back down. He has said that line at every single graduation since he became Principle. In our school, even if you can barely read at a Year 9 level, you will learn the skills to ace any teamwork exercise.
I’m glad to be leaving school. I’ve perfected how to stay alert with even the most monotonous teachers, and how to successfully repress traumatic memories of what is sometimes found in the boy’s toilet. I knew if my parents were still alive, I’d be at some prestigious all-boys private school right now, and probably have a fancy blazer or necktie. But with only my brother and me, I went to the local Konoha Secondary High School.
Itachi has already graduated and is working at one of the big four in the city. Of course, when he was here, he’d been in almost all the school sports team, had the highest ATAR of the year, tutored the younger kids in his free periods and been school captain.
I’d come close to living up to him. I was currently the school dux and had already given my speech. But I’d been a bit more distracted than Itachi.
I looked again over at my classmates to try and spot the bright blond messy hair I’d come used to seeing for the past few years at school. I was always reclusive and a bit of a loner. I never made friends in primary school and I’d thought high school would be the same.
I spot Naruto sitting next to Sakura, his other close friend, trying hard to be quiet as he says something to her but still annoying the people sitting around them. Sakura looks ready to scold Naruto. Even if I'd been in one too many detentions because of Naruto, I would miss some things about this school.
--
Afterwards I’m nodding and politely smiling in a one-sided conversation with the VCE science teacher, Mr. Orochimaru. His skills include licking his lips constantly while teaching and making all year 11 and 12 science students feel uncomfortable. I’m darting my eyes around trying to find an escape before he starts asking if I’d like career help, and if I would like to stay back after school with him today, when I’m rescued.
“Hey, Sasuke,” Naruto yells, putting a hand on my shoulder. I immediately turn around. Thank the school angels.
“Oh, hello, Naruto,” Mr. Orochimaru says, clearly unhappy. “Good to see you, how are you?”
“Oh, you know, just happy it’s all over!” Naruto beams, as he usually does. And stands up tall, as he usually does with teachers like Mr. Orochimaru.
Mr. Orochimaru half snarls. “Yes, I’m sure. Considering your grades. What do you plan to do after graduation?”
“Well, I’m still just trying to finish what I’m doing now.” Naruto squeezes my shoulder. “Me and Sasuke need to go, see you around Mister!” Naruto leads me away.
I hate having to be rescued. And I also equally hate that Naruto’s hand is still on my shoulder.
I violently shrug my shoulders and Naruto lets go. He doesn’t seem to care though, instead starting to bombard me with questions. “Sakura thought you looked so cool doing your speech, but I just thought you looked like you had food poisioning. How long did it take you to write it? I would never want to do that. Do you reckon they’re gonna bring food out? I hope they do. I’m starving. What do you want to do after this? School is officially over for us in 30minutes.”
While I will be going to the best university in the country to begin my commerce degree in three months, Naruto has no plans yet. Whenever I ask, his go to response is to shrug and mumble stuff about starting an apprenticeship or doing TAFE.
I don’t want to nag him like I imagine mother’s do (I don’t have one, and neither does Naruto, but I’ve seen other people’s parents do things like nag and worry), but I also didn’t want him to start drifting and end up back where he was when we were 15 and puberty was messing with our heads.
I’ve always had my brother to keep me grounded even when we were left alone when I was 8 years old. But after being friends with Naruto for six years (okay, maybe more like four because the first two years we mutually wanted to kill each other), I knew constantly changing homes when he was younger had affected him more than he’d ever say. He has been with Iruka since starting high school, and Iruka was a good guy with a huge heart, but I needed to know if he was going to stay there – or what.
I needed to know if we were still going to be seeing each other every other day like we had been.
“Well?” Naruto says. Shit, I hadn’t replied to any of his questions.
“Let’s go get something to eat, the teachers didn’t say anything about bringing out food.”
“Alright – wait here. I’ll go get Sakura.” Naruto has successfully led me somewhere quiet and out of the way. I watch him as he goes to find his first love.
Another reason I needed to know was, after puberty had successfully messed with our heads and I’d helped make sure Naruto didn’t get expelled, I started to notice new things. Naruto’s new height. His new muscles. His longer hair and bright eyes. Things I should never have started noticing.
Naruto had only recently moved on from his crush on Sakura and started being closer friends with her instead, but I was scared that Sakura – who had tried to ignore him as much as possible before – would now get the chance to see everything I’d known about Naruto all along. I was scared that I would start university and wake up one day with a message from Naruto saying Sakura had finally returned his feelings.
Honestly, maybe being away would be the perfect chance for me to move on and let things be how they should be. Move on, make new friends, forget about the past few years being aware of every change Naruto made to his appearance, every time he seemed to be worried or upset about something and every glance a girl made at him when he walked past.
I see Naruto and Sakura walking back. I guess I’d better enjoy this while it lasts.
--
The next time I have to think seriously about the future, Naruto is at mine and we are halfway through a hero movie that makes Naruto super excited and me fall asleep. I can already feel myself drifting off when Naruto’s phone buzzes.
That’s not unusual, but Naruto reaching across to grab his phone off the coffee table (his shirt sliding up a bit and a glimpse of tan back being exposed) immediately is. He usually gives these kinds of movies his undivided attention.
“Who is it?” I ask, as Naruto types a response.
Naruto just hums. I can’t believe he is ignoring me. I kick him with my heel in the thigh. “Ouch – what was that for?” He says, indignant.
“Who is it?”
Naruto is a bad liar. He knows it, I know it, anyone who meets him knows it. But I can see his eyes darting and notice the silence stretch for a second too long. “And don’t lie,” I add.
He sighs. “It’s from a new job I got. They just wanted to know when I could start.”
“You got a new job? What about the lifeguard job?” I didn’t even know he was applying for jobs.
“I think I’ll probably still do both – lifeguard and swim teach during the day and then do this at night and on the weekend,” he says.
He looks uncomfortable. If he got a new job, shouldn’t he look a bit happier? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that people are usually happy when they get a new job. I know I’d been stoked when I finally got a job at the local bookstore and could start helping Itachi out with groceries. (I was eighteen and I knew everything, well, not everything, but I did know that sometimes it’s better to smile and nod and accept the lolly than try to explain to the old grandpa that you don’t like sweet things.)
I’m about to ask what his new job actually is when he suddenly gets up and says he needs a snack. I watch broad shoulders walk away.
It’s at that moment I make the decision not to interrogate him, like I’m the security guard and he’s the kid I caught vandalising the mall toilets.
He walks back with a bag of chips, offers me some, and I get back down to sitting as far away from him on the couch as possible but also in prime viewing position of arms muscles as he eats chips. I slowly start feeling my eyelids get heavy again.
--
I’ve started noticing things. The first thing is that there is only so much Netflix and YouTube you can watch before you start drifting off and staring at blank walls.
The second thing is that even though it’s currently the summer holidays, I haven’t heard from Naruto in four days.
It’s common knowledge that I have exactly zero friends except Naruto. Most people would describe me as ‘mysterious’, ‘hard to get to know’, or ‘a dickhead’. I’d heard the last one from the people close to me the most.
I’m not too worried not to hear from Naruto for so long, we usually only message to complain about homework or meet up, but tomorrow is a Sunday and a 30 degree day.
I know Naruto doesn’t have lifeguarding or swim teaching on Sundays and so usually he’d have asked Sakura and me if we wanted to go to the beach by now.
I look at a discoloured patch on the ceiling.
I wonder if Naruto not messaging me has anything to do with his new job.
Suddenly, I hear footsteps.
“Hey, Sasuke, help clean the kitchen if you’ve got nothing better to do.” It is the house dictator speaking. I think I can vaguely make words out. “And don’t fucking ignore me!” It’s the only warning I get before a magazine is thrown right at my head by my highly esteemed brother.
--
It’s been a couple months, and what I thought might have been a second puberty, obviously isn’t. Summer holidays usually involve Naruto, whoever he invites along, and me, in the park, playing sport, maybe drinking and being dumb teenagers. This summer we have met up, but it’s been rare, and it’s been quick. No more long competitions trying to beat each other in footy. And definitely no more movie marathons or gaming at mine.
Uni starts next week and I’m worried. Is this how my first love ends? We graduate high school and then drift apart and never speak to each other again? Is this it?
I’ve nearly texted Sakura lots of times. She is the only one who might know more his new job. But doing that means admitting I’m probably not as good of a friend to Naruto as I thought I was.
Maybe I can start the conversation with her on a different topic? I could use the diplomacy skills I have been developing since I was 9 years old and realised looking down at the floor sadly could get Itachi to buy me a new toy.
I know she is going to the same uni as me from next week. I could ask her if she wanted to battle the student union store together to get our books for the semester. And then slip in a question about Naruto.
Wait – what was I saying about moving on? This is perfect! Naruto is ignoring me (or just not making time to meet up with me), I’m going to meet a lot of new people at uni and I’m going to find the gay boyfriend of my dreams! It’s time to move on from my cliché crush on my straight best friend.
Moving on is good. Moving on is what I need to do.
But reaching out to Sakura probably won’t hurt.
--
Things go back to sort of normal eventually. I texted Sakura and we hung out at uni once, but the girl who used to be shy around boys (or me), kept her lips about as tight as a the lid on a jam jar that’s been in the fridge too long. I got nothing out of her about Naruto’s new job.
And while Naruto himself still hasn’t told me what his new job is, at least we have settled into a new normal. We aren’t meeting up every day, but it’s still often enough that I haven’t really had a chance to move on from his bright smiles and insults at my personality.
It’s mid-way through Semester 1 and I’ve made new friends. Karin, a girl who was greatly disappointed when I refused to sleep with her, Juugo, a classic example of why you should never judge a book by its cover (huge but gentle) and Suigetsu, someone who reminds me a bit of Naruto but infinitely more meaner.
I never thought the day would come when anyone besides Naruto, Sakura – and the few weird fangirls at my high school – would ever want to talk to me. But they all seem to enjoy my company. Or, at least the attention my company brings.
I know I’m kind of attractive and girls usually notice me, and I’m reminded of it by Suigetsu begging me to join them as they make plans to go bar hopping.
“C’mon, man. We’re more likely to pick up if you’re there. You have to wingman me,” Suigetsu says.
What if Naruto suddenly texts me last minute to hang out tonight? We hung out three weeks ago on a Friday. You never know.
“It’ll be fun, we’re gonna go on Chapel St. Lots of good bars. Pleaseeeeeee,” Suigetsu is almost whining.
But the part of me that knows I need to move on from Naruto looks at Suigetsu. “Yes, but only if we go to a gay bar first.”
I came out to my new friends by accident. I think years of holding it in during high school meant when Karin approached me trying to flirt, I just let it slip. It was like a little bit of the weight around my shoulders lifted when Juugo smiled at me and Suigetsu laughed at Karin and slapped me on the shoulder.
“Alright, fine, I’ll let the others know. Meet at mine today around 8pm?” Suigetsu says.
I nod and watch him go to his class. I hope Naruto doesn’t want to hang out tonight, because I might just have to break my promise to Suigetsu.
--
We're crammed in a car, playing loud music as we head to South Yarra. We are going somewhere Karin says she knows. We’d had pres together and I was feeling a little tingly and a bit more happy then I normally did, so I don’t care where we go too much. But they were keeping their promise to me and the first stop was a gay bar.
Karin said she could get us free drinks because she knew the owner or something. Juugo wasn’t drinking so he was the designated driver. The bouncer, maybe intimated by his size, had looked him up and down harder than he really needed to when we arrived.
When we walk in, I notice that it is as fancy as Karin had described. There are couches and tables lined up against the walls and wine displayed on the walls, lit with bright multicoloured lights. The whole bar screams ‘money’. I really hope Karin was right about being able to get use free drinks because this is definitely not the type of place first year uni students normally go to.
“Let’s get a drink,” Karin calls and we start to follow. I’m walking, impressed at the modern decor, when I notice familiar blonde hair.
My heart starts beating fast. It can’t be –
“Hey, just a minute” I say. Juugo nods at me to let me know he’s heard. I’m looking intently at the blonde hair. I walk straight through the bar and stop at one of the tables.
I don’t know what I expected – but my straight high school best friend sitting with a bunch of old guys I had never seen before and drinking whisky – was definitely not it.
“Naruto?”
Naruto’s blue eyes, which were intently watching one of the old guy’s tell a story, looks up. I’m surprised, and he looks like he is too.
“Sasuke!? Hey! What are you doing here?” Naruto looks as if he has seen a zombie walk in.
“With some uni friends,” I point at Karin, Juugo and Suigetsu over by the bar. “What about you?”
“Oh, um –“, I can immediately tell Naruto is trying to think up a lie. I would usually call him out on it, but right now I’m too shocked to process more of what’s happening.
Naruto’s eyes shift to my empty hands. “Do you have a drink? Not yet? Let’s go get one, we can talk more,” Naruto suddenly stands up and grabs my elbow.
I feel myself get dragged to the bar where Karin and Suigetsu are busy reading the cocktail menu and laughing at the names like ‘Fuzzy Navel’ and ‘Fearless Redneck’.
“I didn’t know you go to gay bars,” Naruto says as he lets go of my elbow.
I have no clue what to say that. Do I come out, right now? Confess everything? Yes, I’m gay and I’ve liked you since we were 14 years old?
Naruto quickly looks at me. “I mean, don’t worry. I know you came with your friends. How’s your night been so far?”
I notice Naruto still hasn’t answered my question. “Good, but you didn’t tell me why you’re here. Who are those guys?”
“Oh, you know, just some friends…”, Naruto scratches the back of his head. Naruto is such a bad liar.
“From where?” I say. “Is this anything to do with your new job?”
Naruto grimaces and looks back at them. They don’t seem to have noticed Naruto has left. I feel something cold wash over me as I watch Naruto evade me. The whole summer and the past few weeks of uni, I’d reassured myself by thinking that Naruto’s new job that he refused to tell me about might really have been something simple to do with his swim teaching/lifeguarding. Maybe extra private lessons? Or maybe he was trying to set up his own swim school after uni?
But now, watching him try to think of something to say in front of me, I badly wish I’d tried to find out harder. A big weight is settling on my chest and I can’t look at Naruto anymore. All I can remember is finding him at the back of school selling to older kids, trying to protect him from being found out and then having to defend him from being expelled. All I can think about is the fear that Naruto would be taken away from Iruka, that I would lose my best friend and that Naruto would never be able to graduate with me.
“Who are they?” I need to know.
Naruto looks worried when I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. I quickly turnaround to see Karin. “Hey Sasuke, you don’t want a drink?”
I’m about to answer when she comes closer and notices Naruto. “Who’s this? Is it your friend?” She is beaming at Naruto. Naruto looks constipated.
I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. Naruto seems to recover slightly. “Hi, I’m Naruto, how are you? Are you Sasuke's girlfriend?”
I'm shocked he would even ask that. Karin just laughs. "No, he made sure I wasn't. Would you like a drink, Na-ru-to?” Karin is eyeing Naruto up and down and takes a sip from the bright pink drink in her hand.
He laughs and seems to return to his normal bubbly self. “I don't know, what have you got in your hand?”
I watch them talk for a bit. My breath starts to quicken. Naruto is still chatting to Karin as if nothing is wrong and I didn’t just nearly catch him in a lie.
The room starts to spin and I feel sweat behind my knees. I need to get out of here.
“Karin,” she stops talking to Naruto to look at me. “Tell the others I need to go. Bye.”
I turn and head the way we came, but I can hear Karin’s footsteps behind me. “Wait – Sasuke – what? What’s wrong? We just got here.”
Her hand is reaching for mine but I grab her by the wrist. “It’s fine, I just don’t feel like it anymore. Bye.”
The last thing I see as I exit is Karin’s eye’s behind her glasses wide in surprise and the bouncer’s aggravated look as I storm past.
--
I’ve started noticing things. The first thing is that eggs on toast with bacon is one of the best breakfasts ever invented. The second thing is that orange juice with pulp is, and always will be, superior.
“Looks good,” Itachi says, as he brings over a bowl of oats. Itachi rarely succumbs to fatty, processed food like me, but he sure likes looking it.
I stab a piece of bacon and shove it in my mouth as Itachi opens up the newspaper and starts skimming the headlines.
After seeing Naruto at the bar yesterday, I caught an ola home and drank even more. I tried to write down what I was feeling, but all it made me want to do was tear the page out and shred it into little pieces.
I checked my phone in the morning and had one voicemail call and text from Naruto, fifteen texts from Karin and an ola ride-sharing app notification. I hadn’t opened any of them.
What was Naruto keeping from me? When had things changed so much without me realising? We used to tell each other everything, right down to the parent we wished we had back the most.
I don’t know who the men Naruto was with were, but there was no doubt in my mind that he was the odd one out in the group. Who were they and why was he with them? Things I didn’t want to think about were starting to enter my subconscious.
After finishing my food, I dump the plate and cutlery in the dishwasher. I take my time walking upstairs to my room, with my phone in my hand. Time to face reality.
I check Karin’s messages first. It’s a bunch of ‘What happened?’ ‘Where are you?’ and ‘Did you get home safe?’ I feel a bit guilty for ignoring the last message so I respond to that straight away.
'I’m home. Sorry about yesterday.'
I then look at Naruto’s name in my voicemail. His text message doesn't tell me much, just says, ‘What happened, bastard? Call me.’
I open his voicemail.
“Hey, are you okay? Where did you go? I’ll come over tomorrow.”
I need to call Naruto. And I will.
But I think I’ve done enough facing reality for today. My hangover is hitting me even worse than before. I get back under my doona and lay down.
I’m watching a video of puppies jumping over cups when someone rings the doorbell. I ignore it. I know Itachi will get it.
The door opens and I hear the person outside say something. They sound familiar.
“I’m good, Naruto! How are you? Here to see Sasuke?”
I jump out of bed immediately. Naruto is here already? I’m panicked. I hadn’t written out the script of what I wanted to say to him yet!
I quickly change out of my trackpants with the holes in it and put on my nicer ones. I’m just in time because Naruto is already knocking on my door.
I slowly open it. “Hey”
“You don’t mind if I come in?” Naruto is standing there looking nervous.
I open the door more to invite him in.
He walks in and we sit on my bed awkwardly. My room is still a mess from last night. A few empty beer cans on my bedside table. Clothes from last night on the floor.
“I’ve been stupid,” Naruto suddenly says. I look at him sharply.
“I was scared you might judge me. I don’t know why, Sakura told me I was being stupid.”
I’m taken aback. “What?”
“Well, the easier news is those guys from last night are my new boss’s friends. We’d finished work for the day and he’d asked if I wanted a drink so I was like sure.”
I knew it. This had something to do with his job. “Why didn’t you tell me? Your boss is some creepy old guy?”
Naruto starts staring at an old poster I still have up of our school football team.
“Well to be honest, yeah. He is an erotica writer. Writes porn scripts and novels, for all sexual orientations… but mainly gay stuff,” Naruto says. “I don’t know, you going to college, studying business. You were always the smart one, and I’m helping out a porn writer. I just felt embarrassed. And I also wasn’t ready to come out to you yet.”
My mouth goes dry. Naruto keeps on talking.
“I do the admin stuff right now, like paying out invoices, packing orders, updating the website, sometimes proofreading. But Jiraya – the guy from yesterday – he thinks I have a talent and he wants me to start writing content too.”
“That’s –”
“Insane? Yeah, it’s a weird job to get out of high school. Mr. Hatake, he knew I was bisexual because I’d opened up to him about it. During that time I nearly got kicked out of school. And then, a few months before the end of school, he introduced me to Jiraya because he knew I was looking for a job and he knew I liked to write sometimes. And then we talked and now here I am. Working a lot, but too embarrassed to give out the full details to anyone I know.”
“I –” I can see Naruto start to fidget and play with the band of his watch. I know he doesn’t like silence. I know I need to say the right thing. “I – Of course I don’t judge you, what the hell. I’m definitely going to make fun of you now for doing something so stupid like hiding a job from me, though.”
Naruto finally looks at me and smiles. “Yeah, I wasn’t really worried about the job part as much,” he sighs. “I was more worried about other things it might bring up. You heard me earlier, right? I’m bisexual." He pauses. "I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. Just know I –“ He cuts himself off.
If I thought the room was spinning last night, it’s nothing compared to right now. At the same time I start to feel hopeful, do I tell him about me? Do I say the truth?
“Just know I never looked at you like that,” Naruto finishes in a quiet voice, looking back down at the band of his watch.
My chest suddenly tightens. “Naruto, it’s okay. I don’t care about that.” My voice is shaking. I was just rejected and I didn’t even get the chance to confess. I take a deep breath. “I’m- I’m actually not really straight either.” This time I’m the one looking down at my hands. “I’ve been gay for a while, just scared to tell you and Sakura too.”
I hear Naruto inhale sharply. Then he laughs. "We're both dumb, aren't we?" Naruto says. I just nod.
I feel strong hands around me. Naruto is hugging me.
--
Later that day, we are downstairs playing FIFA and egging each other on, as usual.
“So, let me read some of the stuff you write,” I say after we finish one game.
Naruto laughs sarcastically. “Ha-ha very funny. Nooo way, you fucking dickhead. It’s not even published stuff yet, just ideas for Jiraya.”
“What’s it like writing erotica? Her heaving breasts – that throbbing dick,” I’m so relieved that Naruto isn’t doing anything dangerous, I start laughing hard and he glares at me.
“If you don’t shut up, I’m gonna come fuck your ass,” Naruto slams the controller down, but I know he isn’t actually angry.
Of course, I would love it he would fuck my ass.
“I dare you to do it,” I say, grinning. I may have been rejected already, but I’m going to soak up this new openness we have as much as possible.
Naruto presses start for the new game, and I hear him mumbling under his breath. I pause it straight away.
“Sorry, what was that?”
“I said – you wish,” Naruto puts the game back on again.
It’s my turn to mumble. “I do, though.” I’m figuring out which player to use for my next move, when I realise Naruto isn’t doing anything.
I look over at him. He looks constipated, exactly like he did last night when Karin walked over. “What?” I say, does he need water?
“You do?”
I feel my fingers still. Everything suddenly feels cold. He heard me.
“Don’t worry – I’m sure it’s a joke. Just Sasuke, I wasn’t – I wasn’t hundred percent truthful before.”
I prepare myself to hear the worst news of my life. By his tone, I feel like he’s going to tell me that he secretly has had a boyfriend all along and that he would appreciate me not flirting with him and making sexual jokes and that he just wants me to stay as his friend because I am not enough I am unloveable, he definitely has never had romantic feelings for me.
“I like you. Like a lot.”
As soon as he says it, he stands up. "I think I should leave now. Today's been a lot. Give you time to think about it." He is grabbing all his stuff that got flung around while we were gaming. My brain is still trying to catch up.
“Yeah, I feel like I shouldn’t have stayed so long. I’m just going to head home, let’s talk later?” He is grabbing his shoes and putting them on.
I realise something. This is an important moment of my life. I need to say what I’m feeling. And I need to say it clearly. “Naruto”, he looks up at me.
“I like you too.”
I never want to forget the next few moments. Naruto stops tying up his laces, gets up to walk towards me but kind of stumbles and falls on the ground. We’re laughing. Then he is on the couch again. And we are kissing. And I never, ever, ever want to forgot what it feels like to feel like maybe things can be good.
--
10 YEARS LATER
Naruto is now a published author of erotica and non erotica and I’m glad a joke about wanting to be fucked in the ass and a sketchy job could bring two dumb boys together.