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Neil watched as Andrew got up out of bed, walking toward the bathroom. He laid on the bed, unmoving for a while as he listened to Andrew showering. He didn’t bother to get up and get coffee, knowing in a few hours he’d be having surgery. No food or drink before the surgery.
His stomach growled as he rolled over to check his phone. He didn’t expect any messages, but he didn’t have anything better to do. He checked the time (9:24) and tossed his phone aside.
A moment later, Andrew came out in shorts and a t-shirt. Of course, he wore his arm bands as well. He was never without those.
He stood over Neil. “You should shower before we have to leave,” he said, nodding over his shoulder. “And before Nicky gets in there.”
Neil nodded, sitting up. In three hours they’d be leaving for the hospital. Andrew and Matt would be with him before and after. Of course the rest of his teammates wanted to come with him, but they weren’t all allowed in the room.
He’d be back in the dorms by the end of the day, anyway.
Neil hated the idea of letting himself get drugged up. Hated the idea of being so vulnerable and out of control with the surgery. But in the end, he knew it wouldn’t be so bad. It would be best for him in the long run.
His survival instincts battled the dysphoria he dealt with daily. There was no more running, he was safe. He was safe enough to do this. Andrew and Matt would be there. There was no one left to hurt him, he reminded himself.
He got up, grabbing one of Andrew’s hoodies. He locked himself in the bathroom and slowly started getting ready. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, and used his testosterone gel. Showered. He went through the motions with ease.
He came back out with his binder on, Andrew’s hoodie and his boxers. He tugged on a pair of shorts and went out to the common area on their floor. A couple other foxes sat with each other drinking coffee and eating donuts that Dan had bought them. The donut provider and her boyfriend were curled up on an arm chair together. Aaron, Kevin and Andrew sat on the couch with a space open next to Andrew for Neil. Renne sat on the floor near Dan and Matt.
Allison and Nicky were both missing, but they took forever to get ready in the mornings so this was unsurprising.
“There he is!” Matt said cheerfully, raising his coffee up to Neil.
Neil smiled and sat next to Andrew, close but not touching. “Morning,” he said, still rubbing sleep from his eyes.
“Excited for today?” Renee asked.
When it was revealed that he was trans a year ago, Neil expected Renee to be uncomfortable around him. Quite the opposite. She had the best initial reaction, which simply consisted of hugging him tightly.
Matt figured it out pretty early on, before anyone else. Neil was still using injections at the time and when Matt found the needles in the garbage he suspected he was using drugs of some kind. Neil had told him everything and waited in silence for his roommate to speak, say anything. When he did say something it was to ask who else knew about it and if it would affect their games. At the time it was no one and it wouldn’t.
Now, after everything with Riko and his father, he’d been forced out of the closet. The whole nation knew. Which was scary for a variety of reasons, but he felt free. And his teammates didn’t look at him any different. That’s all he could ask for.
“Nervous,” he said, pulling the sleeves of Andrew’s orange sweater over his hands.
He knew Andrew liked when Neil wore his jersey or sweatshirts that said Minyard on the back. He liked everyone to know that Neil was his. Even if they still didn’t label what was between them.
“You’ll be fine,” Andrew said next to him between bites of a donut.
“Reassuring, Andrew,” Dan scoffed, looking back to Neil. “How long will you be out of commission?”
Kevin crossed his arms and pouted at the mention of Neil not being able to play Exy for a while.
“Nothing for three weeks. I can start running again after that. At about six weeks I can start doing a bit more. I won’t be practicing with you guys until July at the earliest,” Neil said.
He hated the idea of not playing Exy in June with his teammates.
“I’m sure Kevin will bore you to death with old games while you recover,” Matt teased the striker.
“He’s got to do something!” Kevin cried out.
Matt and Dan laughed quietly.
They sat together like that for a few more hours, Allison and Nicky eventually joining them. Then it was time to go. Andrew nudged Neil to get up as Matt said goodbye to Dan. Even Aaron wished Neil good luck. Renee and Dan gave him hugs which he accepted without hesitation.
He climbed into the front seat in Andrew's car, anxiety climbing up into this throat.
“Talk to me,” Andrew said, while they waited for Matt.
Neil hesitated, looking over at Andrew. “It’s dumb. I still get worried about people...being after me...hurting me. I’m ready for this but the idea of surgery still scares me. My mom would kill me if she knew I blew five grand on this...”
He could hear his mom scolding him for thinking he had time to waste exploring his identity. He hadn’t had time until she died. Then it was all he could think of. Figuring himself out. Then, against his better judgement, going to a doctor and getting HRT when it said Neil Josten was eighteen. His mom would never have let him do any of that. He missed her like hell, but he wouldn’t trade a thing for the life he had now.
Andrew looked out the windshield as Matt emerged from Fox Tower. He held out his hand across the center console for Neil to take. “Well, she's not here and I won’t let anyone hurt you. You know that.”
Neil took his hand before he took back the offer. He knew deep down that Andrew would kill anyone who hurt Neil and that wasn’t a hyperbole. He leaned his head back against the seat and tried to relax.
Matt glanced at their hands as he climbed in but didn’t say anything. Andrew pulled out of the parking spot and took off with his reckless driving toward the hospital where Neil was having his surgery done. The overly loud music and poor driving did nothing to calm Neil. He didn’t say anything the whole way. When they finally parked, he climbed out and was surprised that Andrew let him take his hand again. Matt walked behind them as they checked in.
-
When Neil woke up, the world felt like it was tilting. He mumbled Andrew’s name just wanting his...whatever they were, with him.
A nice nurse assured him that they were bringing him back to Andrew so he just sat sadly as his hospital bed was wheeled down several hallways. A moment later they were back in the room. He heard the sharp sound a chair skidding and then Andrew was standing over him. He stared down at Neil.
“You’re crying,” Andrew said.
Neil frowned. Was he crying? He couldn’t tell.
Andrew watched carefully as the doctors hooked him up to a heart monitor, IV’s all of it. He tensed at the foot of the bed when they got close to him, refusing to move even when he was in their way. Matt apologized on his behalf at one point.
“They’re gone,” Neil said suddenly, realizing what was going on, that he was out of surgery.
He saw the way Andrew bit back a genuine smile. “Yeah, they are.”
Neil smiled, leaning back into his pillows and letting himself sleep off the drugs. He knew Andrew would watch over him.
When he woke up again, he was much more aware of his surroundings. And the stiff feeling in his chest. He rubbed at his eyes, hating the feeling of the hospital gown on him. He heard someone moving around in the room and turned his head to the right. Andrew was grabbing his clothes in a flurry of movements. He heard Matt’s voice distantantly in the hall.
“Drew?” Neil asked, confused.
Andrew turned around, the angry look on his face fading. “You’re awake,” he said, studying him. “How do you feel?”
“Weird. What’s going on?”
“Your doctor pissed me off,” Andrew said simply, still holding the sweatshirt Neil had been wearing earlier.
“What’d you do?”
“Nothing,” he lied.
“Nothing?” Matt hissed, coming in. The door slammed behind him. “You threatened him because he got too close to Neil. He was doing his job. And he won’t come back until you're gone. They want to give Neil his medicine, show him his chest and discharge him.”
Neil’s hand went up to his flat chest, his heart skipping a beat. There was a dull pain there, but it was flat. He leaned his head back on the pillows, trying not to cry. He hated crying.
“I’m going to be here when he sees for the first time,” Andrew said stubbornly.
“They wanted to call the cops, Andrew. I’ll take a video. Go wait in the car!”
Andrew threw the sweatshirt down on the window sill. “I am not fucking leaving, Boyd. I am not leaving him now.”
Neil could feel his eyes on him. Neil cursed under his breath, pressing his palms to his eyes. Moving his arms hurt like a bitch. The room was silent, he knew all attention was on him now. He opened his eyes, unable to help the tears now.
“Could you stop fighting and go get the doctor. I need to see it,” he said, voice cracking.
Andrew’s face softened the way it did only for Neil. “Go get the doctor,” he told Matt.
Matt looked between the two boys before slipping out of the room.
Andrew stepped closer to Neil. He hesitated, starting to reach out and wipe Neil’s tears. “Can I?” he asked quietly. Neil always said yes, but Andrew didn’t know how to treat him now. He seemed so frail and breakable. It reminded him of how he looked when he returned from Edgar Allen. Hauntingly so.
“Yeah, Andrew,” he said and he leaned into the touch. “Is this real?”
“Yeah, Neil,” Andrew said softly. He stepped back when the doctor came in glaring at him. “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you if you don’t kill him.”
Neil cast him a glare and apologized.
The doctor moved the bed so Neil was now sitting up. He had Matt hold up a decent sized mirror at the foot of the bed. He peeled back the bandages and Neil was crying again.
His chest was flat. The surgery even mangled some of the damage his father had done which gave him a sickening satisfaction. His damage wasn’t so permanente after all. He could only look at his father’s damage for so long before squeezing his eyes shut, physically shaking now.
The doctor started bandaging him back up.
“I’ve got it,” Andrew said quietly.
“I’ll get the compression vest, write you up a prescription for medication and you’ll be on your way,” the doctor said and Neil heard the door shut behind him.
He opened his eyes again, watching Andrew’s face as he put the bandages back on him. He wanted to cry again, but fought it hard.
“It looks great, Neil,” Matt said across the room, to break the silence.
“Thank you.”
And it did look great. It looked like him.
The climb up to the fourth floor was slow and moving was difficult.
Matt went ahead of them to tell the others not to swarm him and to slightly lower the bed Andrew and Neil shared. Andrew had been incredibly patient with him the whole time.
When they finally reached the top, Renee was there holding the door. She had a very happy smile on her lips. She greeted both the boys with a smile.
“Hey, how did everything go?” she asked.
Neil nodded. “Good. Except for when Andrew threatened my doctor.”
“He was asking for it,” Andrew countered, walking Neil down the hall to their room.
Kevin and Aaron sat in the common area. Kevin was watching Exy on his phone (Neil assumed) and Aaron was with Katelyn. Katelyn perked up a bit when Neil came by. Andrew cast her a glare before she could say anything. Neil, though he would never say it, just wanted to curl up in bed with Andrew. The last thing he wanted was to interact with all his teammates. Not now.
He knew realistically though, physically curling up wouldn’t be possible after his surgery, and it was unlikely Andrew even wanted to be touched like that now.
Andrew helped Neil into bed, propped him up, making sure he was comfortable. Neil was asleep almost instantly.
He spent the next day lazily watching some random show Andrew played on his laptop, still a bit sleepy from the surgery. There was very little pain, but Neil wondered if that was just because of all the other pain he’d endured.
It wasn’t until three days later after they finished an episode of Criminal Minds did Andrew decide Neil needed to shower. They’d showered when he was injured before by wrapping up his wounds. This time Neil would really need help washing his hair and well...everything else. He couldn’t raise his arms much, nor should he, according to the doctor.
He already missed training with Kevin on the court. Missed running.
Andrew helped Neil into the shower, covering up his chest with what must have been a ripped up garbage bag. Andrew carefully tapped the bag to his chest, making sure it was secure before ushering Neil under the warm water. Neil had assured him that he didn’t need to cover up the scars but Andrew didn’t want to risk it.
Neil hadn’t realized just how badly he’d needed a shower. It felt amazing.
And then he looked down and a smile crept up onto his face.
He couldn’t see his chest because of the bag, but he was flooded with relief when it was flat. He hadn’t noticed earlier but Andrew had intentionally tapped the plastic as flat as he could so Neil wouldn’t be dysphoric. His smile grew.
Andrew was never one to be openly affectionate, he showed it in different ways. Buying Neil a ridiculous amount of chocolate when he still got his period, making sure he always got enough sleep, taking care of him when he was hurt.
“You okay?” Andrew asked. “You’re very quiet in there, Neil. I hope you didn’t drown.”
“I’m--” he paused before he could say fine. Fine would be a lie. “I’m good,” he said softly.
“Can I come in?”
“Yes,” Neil answered and watched as Andrew pulled back the curtain and stepped inside.
Andrew scanned the plastic over Neil’s chest. He nodded, satisfied with his handiwork. His eyes flickered up to Neil’s.
“Are you going to cry again?”
“No. I think it was the anesthesia that made me do that,” Neil said, shrugging. “I’m good. I swear.”
“Mhm.”
Neil held his eyes for a moment before Andrew grabbed the shampoo.
“May I?” he nodded up Neil’s hair.
“Yeah.”
Neither of them spoke as Andrew washed and conditioned Neil’s hair. He spoke again to ask if it was okay to wash the rest of his body.
Neil watched as his hair stuck to his forehead, and water sprayed in his eyes. He looked back up at Neil when he was all cleaned up.
Then, something unexpected. “I’m really proud of you.”
Neil blinked at him a few times--had he heard him right? “You’re--”
“No. We aren’t talking about it,” he said, taking half a step back.
Neil nodded, accepting that. He watched as Andrew stepped out of the shower.
Andrew was proud of him. Neil forced himself not to cry. He was proud of himself, he realized. He’d come to the Foxes, having remained Neil Josten for so long because he was able to get HRT finally at eighteen. He stayed Neil Josten, stayed on HRT, and now he got top surgery and the press loved the story of Neil Josten fighting to be himself and play the sport he loved.
He cried quietly in the shower before turning it off and calling Andrew in to help him get dressed. He was safe to be himself. The foxes were his family, his home. Andrew was his home.