Work Text:
The panic attacks started a few weeks after the end of the war. They usually came after a nightmare or when something brought back a bad memory. Catra managed to hide it so far. Whenever it happened it the middle of the day, she portrayed her usual careless face while she dug her nails hard into her palms. Pain was something she was used to, so it helped her focus and pretend everything was fine. During the nights it was harder because she would often wake up screaming, and since she had been sharing the bed with Adora since the day she moved into Bright Moon, her girlfriend could hear it.
Catra couldn't say she didn't like the way Adora hugged whenever that happened, calming her down, gently stroking her hair and kissing her face and lips. But as far as Adora knew those were only nightmares, something the blond girl often had herself too.
Catra didn't tell Adora about the times she would go alone somewhere empty at the Palace to cry desperately until she felt empty. Or how she would scratch herself in a desperate attempt to make whatever was consuming her inside go away.
The catgirl knew everyone was facing the end of the war in their own ways. She had seen Glimmer and Micah grieving for the Queen (which would only make her feel worse and guiltier), she had noticed most people were still uncomfortable with Hordak and the other clones' presence, and most importantly, she had witnessed Adora's breakdowns.
Her girlfriend still felt guilty for the ones they had lost, not to mention the constant fear that another menace like Horde Prime could appear. However, those were good reasons to feel anxious and disturbed. And it wasn't that hard to talk to Adora and make her come to her senses when it happened. Even though Catra hated to see Adora upset, she felt good knowing she was able to calm down and comfort the girl she loved.
She wished she could also talk to Adora or any of their other friends about what was happening to her. But the truth was she herself didn't know what the matter was. She finally had everything she truly wanted, and yeah she was happier than she had ever been. That wasn't even questionable. Then, why sometimes did she feel so lost? So angry? So upset? Why out of nowhere she felt like screaming and bursting into tears at the same time?
Perhaps that was her way to deal with the end of the war, she thought. After all, she had been through a lot. The betrayals, the mistakes, the torture, the losses... Maybe like everything in her life, her way to handle this was explosive and harmful.
At least this time I'm not hurting anyone.
###
Hiding whatever was happening to her seemed to be the best option and for a while, it worked. However, her biggest problem was Melog. The alien cat would show her emotions to everybody else without mercy. She knew it didn't mean to hurt her, but right now it was driving her crazy.
And that day she was sure Melog would be her downfall. There would be a meeting with all the princesses. She was also coming, obviously, alongside with Adora. They were supposed to discuss the possible ways to help the most destroyed parts of the planet.
She knew there was no reason to be nervous about it. Everybody knew her and most of them even liked her. However, she felt that sharp sting of panic showing up somewhere inside her chest. Maybe it was because she hadn't been around so many people in a while, or because she had had a horrible night.
"Are you sure you want to come?", Adora asked her while they were getting ready. Shit. Why was she asking this? Catra looked around, searching for Melog, but it wasn't around. "I know you haven't slept well, and..."
How did she notice it?
"Don't be ridiculous, Adora!", she said in an annoyed tone. "I'm fine! Plus, what would you and Sparkles do without my help?", she asked sarcastically trying to change the tone of the conversation.
Adora couldn't help smiling at her, and that gave a warm feeling to her heart. Before they left the room, Adora held her hand and pulled her closer.
"Catra... are you-", the blond girl looked her with worried eyes. "You would tell me if there was something wrong, right?"
Catra swallowed, "of course, Adora! Okay, I haven't slept that well... but that's it. Relax, stop overthinking!" She smirked at Adora's grimace and then kissed her.
It was supposed to be a quick kiss but Adora pulled her closer, one hand on her back, the other touching her face. And then, time stopped.
Catra slipped her arms around Adora's neck and kissed her deeper. Until this day she couldn't believe this was real. Whenever it happened, it was as though she was dreaming. Too good to be real. And yet, it was never enough, she thought as Adora's lips were still on hers.
Suddenly she realized she had to tell Adora. The warmth in her chest and the peaceful but striking feeling Adora gave her every time they were together meant they could handle anything together. Heavens, they had literally saved the world. Why couldn't she tell her girlfriend what she was feeling? Even if she was unsure and... scared of it.
Adora would help. She had to tell her. She could do it.
"Adora..." she started once they had broken the kiss, her forehead resting against Adora's.
Then, there was a knock on the door.
Damn it.
"Queen Glimmer and the other princesses are waiting in the meeting room." A guard told them through the door.
"We're coming!" Adora answered quickly. "Let's go?" She smiled at Catra offering her hand.
The catgirl took a deep breath and smiled back, before taking her girlfriend's hand. Well, maybe it was for the best. There's nothing wrong with you, just keep telling yourself that and you'll be fine.
###
Melog was the first one to greet them when they walked into the room with a purr. Catra felt her blood turning into ice. She hoped the alien pet could hear her mentally begging, don’t blow this for me.
She sat next to Adora at the meeting table. There was a big map in front of them. It didn’t take long for everyone to get there and the meeting to start.
The territory they were specifically talking about had firstly been attacked by the Horde. Not Horde Prime, but the Horde she used to be part of, and it was during her time as force captain. Catra felt a lump in her stomach and that tightness in her chest increased. She knew people were just too nice to say it but they were all thinking the same: this was her fault. She also knew what Adora would say. It didn’t matter. What matter was who she was now and the good things she was doing. But still…
Sometimes she wished she could erase that part of her past from her memory. If Shadow Weaver was here, she could probably help her with that. Like Shadow Weaver would help you. Shadow Weaver… Suddenly, all she could see was the woman’s scarred face looking at her. I’m so proud of you, she had said. Why? Why did that mean so much to her after all that witch had done to her?
Catra could hear Glimmer saying something about supplies for the destroyed city. But her voice was distant, muffled by the loud sound of Catra’s heart pounding against her chest.
She suddenly began to breathe with difficulty. What was wrong with her? Shadow Weaver wasn’t even here anymore, everything was fine, Adora was with her and so were her friends. She was safe. There was no reason to feel that desperate, she looked down noticing her hands shaking.
Her ears perked Melog growling behind her. Damn it. People would notice it and she wouldn’t even be able to come up with an excuse since she hadn’t paid attention to what they’d been saying for a while now.
She needed to focus again, Catra thought as her nails clung hard into her arm. She tried to look at the map, it was hard to even understand what was going on. Her mind was working so fast and everything was so blurred and loud. She only wished all those feelings would go away. Her nails dug deeper.
“Catra?” She heard Adora whispering next to her, her voiced mixed with the groans and whimpers coming from Melog near them. She noticed her eyes had been closed shut and everybody was quiet.
Shit . She didn’t know what to do. Breathing was hard, so was thinking. She opened her eyes but didn’t dare to face anyone. When she opened her mouth to try to say something, her throat was dry. She felt dizzy, her head and her arm hurt so much. Why would she even say?
And then, she heard it.
I will make the pain go away , Horde Prime’s voice echoed in her head.
At the moment, she screamed, loud and desperately. She had stood up from her chair and was walking back holding herself.
She knew from the beginning it was only in her mind. But the fact she could remember it so well drove her to edge. When she came to her senses, she noticed everyone staring at her confused.
Melog was in front of her now, red and angry, acting protectively. Adora’s palms were open in her direction, trying to calm her down. She was about to say something, probably ask what was going on. But before she could speak anything, Catra stormed out of the room with Melog. The two cats disappeared through the door.
###
They were on the Palace’s roof. Even though there wasn’t anyone around, Melog kept hiding her with magic. Catra lay there looking at the sky, the sunset gave the sky a nice color. She stared at it, wishing she could simply blank her mind.
“We have to do something. You can’t keep doing this kind of thing, you know…” Catra murmured annoyed.
The pet only growled back.
“Why do you mean it’s my fault?” She turned to her side to glare at it.
“Catra?” Adora’s voice shut her up.
The blond girl showed up, looking around for her. She remained quiet and still, hoping the other one would simply go away.
“I know you are here, Catra. You always come to high empty places when you’re upset.” Adora said, crossing her arms across her chest. “Come on, let’s talk.”
Catra bit her bottom lip, feeling a burning sensation in her throat. Before she could even think of what to do, she realized she wasn’t invisible anymore and Melog was running towards Adora, tackling her and licking her face.
Great.
The blond girl’s chuckle made her feel better though. She couldn’t help smiling weakly as she glanced at Adora hugging and petting the alien cat.
Catra sit up with a sigh and waited for Adora to come to sit next to her.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“So… will you tell me what happened?” Adora asked shyly. Catra noticed the other girl’s hand unsurely moving closer to hers, but not touching her.
Adora knew Catra hated when people took care of her. She was respecting that, even if they were girlfriends now and something was clearly wrong.
Screw this . Catra thought as she held Adora’s hand and rested her hand on her shoulder. That must have caught Adora off guard, because she heard a gasp, and then suddenly the girl was embracing her tightly.
They stayed like this for a few minutes, and for a while, the nagging feeling inside Catra’s chest was gone.
“Catra…”
“I don’t know, Adora.” She answered before Adora could even finish it. “I don’t know what’s going with me.” Her vision was blurred with tears now. “Sometimes I just feel that there is something within me, burning inside out.” She swallowed. “Maybe I’m just going crazy…”
Adora squeezed her a little, before cupping her face to make her look in her eyes.
“Of course not, Catra! You’ve been through a lot. It’s normal to feel like this. I do too, sometimes…” She looked away, embarrassed. “I guess everybody does.”
Catra swallowed, wiping away a teardrop, avoiding Adora's eyes. “Yeah…”
“Well, then why didn’t you tell me about it?”
Catra groaned, rolling her eyes. “I don’t know? Maybe because it’s just easier to swallow everything down, and just explode during a meeting where everyone looking at me?” She said with sarcasm, giving Adora a sad smirk. “Come on, let’s just laugh at my misery and let this go.”
“Catra…”
“Okay, fine. I’m working on this, alright?” Though she sounded annoyed, she snugged more into Adora’s arms, burying her face against her neck. “Opening up is hard. Mostly when I don’t even understand what we should talk about.”
Adora sighed, “I know… But we can face anything together, remember?” She said in her usual inspiring voice, and Catra couldn’t help elbowing her.
“You’re such an idiot.”
Adora laughed a little. “I’m serious though.” She went on, after a while. “Also…” She held Catra’s scratched arm softly. “This is not okay.”
Catra shrank a little, ashamed. “I know.” She muttered almost voiceless.
She felt her girlfriend tightening the hug, and she just let herself enjoy this for a moment. Adora was right, they could handle this. Maybe, she wasn’t completely fine. Nobody was. But they would overcome this. Together.
After what seemed to be a second but also a lifetime, Adora asked, “let’s have dinner?”
She nodded, letting Adora help her up. “Uh… Adora, if anyone-”
“Don’t worry, they won’t ask.” Her girlfriend smiled at her. Melog purred calmly next to them. “But you don’t have to be ashamed. They all worry about you, you know.”
Catra rolled her eyes again. “Yeah, they are all idiots.”
Adora gave her an unamused face, and held her hand, leading the way. Catra pulled her back though.
“Adora?”
“Yeah?” The other girl looked alarmed.
“If it happens again…” Catra bitted the inner side of her cheek. “Would you help me? I mean, if I feel like that again… Would you… just stay or distract me? Even if I’m not able to actually explain what’s going on.”
Catra almost fell back when Adora jumped towards her to kiss her, and then hug her again.
“Of course, I will! I’m always going to be there for you, Catra. Don’t you get it?” She smiled, looking down at her as she rested her forehead on hers.
“Thank you…” Catra whispered, closing her eyes and feeling lighter than she had felt in days.
“I love you.” Adora finally said it.
“I love you too.”