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“Okay, one more, Marley...can you look at Daddy? Right here, honey!” Sonny took a handful of pictures as quickly as he could, because the four-year old was getting frisky.
“NOW tan I go slide, Daddy?” she asked, and when he nodded, she squealed, “Yay!”. He watched her run toward the slide, then turned his attention back to the camera. He’d gotten a few good shots today. It was almost Father’s day, and he was trying to get the perfect picture of their daughter to go on some socks. When he’d asked Marlene what they should give Rafael, she had immediately said, “Papi wikes socks! We should get him some socks!” Marley had always loved Rafael’s socks, from the time she was a baby. As a toddler,she would sit by his feet and wait to see what socks he was wearing when he took off his shoes, then laugh and clap. It hadn’t taken long for Rafael to start buying increasingly quirky socks to entertain their little girl, and she loved it. Sonny had found a vendor who would put Marlene’s picture on a nice pair of trouser socks. They could even pick the color, and Marlene chose lavender, which wasn’t a big surprise. She also thought lavender was her papi’s favorite color.
He had narrowed it down between two photos when he heard the scream, a high-pitched wail that ripped right through him, and he immediately took off to the slide.
A handful of people were standing around the side of the slide as a woman tried to comfort Marley, who was lying on the ground with her arm bent at an unnatural angle. She was bleeding from her forehead and her eyes were wide and confused.
“Marley,” he gasped, pushing his way to her and kneeling down, “don’t try to get up, okay, honey? Stay right there. I’m gonna call and get some help.”
“I can call,” the woman kneeling next to Marley said. “Is she yours? I didn’t see you over here.”
“I was a few feet away--” The woman was already dialing, and Sonny turned his attention back to his daughter. “It’s gonna be okay, baby. I promise. I’m right here, okay?”
“It hurts, Daddy,” she whimpered, and he resisted every urge in his body to scoop her up and snuggle her. He stroked her hair back and continued to talk with her quietly until the paramedics appeared.
“Her name? Age? Are you related?” The EMT was shooting questions at him quickly, and he was trying to watch what was going on with her at the same time.
“Marlene. Marlene Barba-Carisi. She’s four. She’s my daughter.” Trying to look over the EMT’s shoulder, he asked, “Can I go with her? She’s scared.”
“In just a minute--your name? Did you see what happened?”
“I’m Dominick Carisi, Jr….I had been taking pictures...I didn’t see--”
“She fell over the side of the slide, partway down.” The woman who had called 911 volunteered. Looking at Sonny, she said, “I saw her.” She patted his arm.
He looked at Marlene again, now on the stretcher, still crying. Frantically, he looked back at the EMT. “It was only a minute...I was right there, by the bench, not fifteen feet away...can I go be with her? Please?”
He nodded. “Yeah, go on. They’re taking her to Bellevue.”
Sonny nodded, then jogged over to Marlene’s stretcher as they rolled her to the ambulance. “I’m stared, Daddy,” she sniffled. “Is Papi tomin’? I need my papi and my daddy...please don’t leave me, Daddy…”
“I won’t, precious, I promise,” he told her as they put her into the ambulance.
“Mr. Barba-Carisi!” The woman who had helped was calling him. He turned toward her, and she handed him his camera. “You left this.” As she handed it to him, she said, “Sir, I have little ones too...please don’t be too hard on yourself. They’re quick.”
He felt his eyes flood with tears. “Thank you,” he said, unable to say much else. She squeezed his arm, and he climbed into the ambulance.
***
“Come on, come on, come ON!” Rafael was snapping at the hospital elevator. His stomach was in knots, and all he wanted was to see his daughter.
Rushing off the elevator into the pediatric unit, he practically ran to the nurses’ station. “Marlene Barba-Carisi. She’s four,” he said breathlessly. “She’s with Dominick Carisi, Jr.? Broken arm, stitches, possible concussion?”
The nurse nodded. “You must be Mr. Barba? I’ll need to see your identification, sir.”
Rafael dug through his wallet, nearly missing his ID, before finally pulling it out and handing it to her. A moment later, the nurse handed him a nametag and his ID back. “She’s in 334. Take a left, go straight, then a right.”
“Thank you.” He hurried down the hallway, wondering how long ago this happened. He’d been in court all afternoon and just got a message from Carmen, who had walked over to deliver it to him. Thankfully, due to the later hour, the judge had let them end for the day, and he’d come straight over, calling Sonny repeatedly the whole time with no luck.
“Princesa,” he breathed, rounding the corner into her room. She was perched on Sonny’s lap on the hospital bed with a gown over her. Her left arm was in a cast to her elbow and she had a bandage on her forehead. They were looking at a book, and with the exception of the cast and bandage, everything looked normal.
“Hi Papi!” she answered him cheerily.
He rushed over to her, bending down so he was on her eye level. “Are you okay, honey?” He looked up at Sonny. “I was so scared.”
“It’s otay, Papi,” Marlene assured him. “I’m otay. I fell down on the slide. I was toin’ SO fast and I fell wight over the side!”
Sonny affectionately tucked her hair behind her ear. “She was very brave, Papi...she let them set her arm and even take pictures of her head with a big camera. Didn’t you, dolly?”
Marley looked up at her daddy and nodded, smiling. Rafael felt himself catch a breath.
“They gave her a CAT scan,” Sonny continued. “They didn’t see anything but still want us to watch for a possible concussion tonight. And they’ve got to stitch up the gash on her forehead still...but otherwise, we’re good.”
Rafael nodded. “Okay, good.” He kissed Marlene on the cheek. “Estoy tan orgullosa de ti, princesa,” he said. She nodded, but Sonny looked at him, confused. He shrugged. “Papi’s proud of her, that’s all.”
Sonny smirked. “One day you’ll teach me all that love language you use with her,” he teased, then turned his attention to the doctor entering the room.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Ellis. I’ll be stitching up--” he consulted his chart “--Marlene Barba-Carisi today.” His eyes settled on the little girl. “Is that you, or is it one of them?”
Marlene giggled. “Me,” she answered.
“Okay, then I’ll need you to lay down on the bed, and we’ll get you taken care of pretty quickly.” As Sonny moved Marlene to the bed, a nurse entered the room. “This is my nurse, Ashley. She’s going to help us,” the doctor acknowledged. Turning to Rafael, he added, “Since it’s a head wound, it’s easiest if there’s two of us and we can cover the part of her face we’re not working on. Kids at this age sometimes have trouble being still during this, so we generally recommend strapping them onto a board. Is that okay?”
Sonny turned around to see Rafael’s eyes wide. “I’m sorry...did you just say you want to strap our daughter down to a board?”
“It just helps the procedure go more quickly.”
Rafael felt his cheeks burning, and he hoped his voice was calmer than he felt. “Look, doctor...Ellis, is it? I don’t care if we’re here all night,” he said firmly, “you are NOT strapping my daughter onto a board.”
The doctor sighed. “I understand how it sounds. But I just need to let you know, I’m a plastic surgeon. This is how we get the best results. It’s going to be hard for me to guarantee less of a scar if your daughter is moving around--”
“We’ll take the scar,” Sonny said, resting a hand on his husband’s shoulder. “It’s by her hairline anyway. And one day when she’s fourteen and wants to blame somebody, Dr. Ellis, I’ll be sure to tell her this is her papi’s doing.”
“Very well, then,” the doctor agreed, and directed each of them on either side of Marlene, then explained to the little girl what was going to happen.
Marley’s eyes grew wide, and she looked desperately back and forth between her dads. “No, no, daddy! No Papi, I’m otay. I wanna go home, guys. Let’s go home now!”
“Marley,” Sonny said quietly and calmly, “I know it looks and sounds scary. But Papi and I are going to be right here with you the whole time. The doctor has to do this to fix your head. It’s not a choice.”
Marley began to cry harder, and the sound nearly broke his heart. “MIja,” Rafael soothed, “would you like Papi to sing to you? And you can squeeze my hand the whole time. Daddy’s too, okay?” Marley’s breath shuddered and he added, “Please, honey. I promise it will be quick.”
“Oh--otay,” the little girl managed, “if you sing, Papi.”
“Okay, princesa.” The adults nodded to each other, and Rafael began to sing, assembling a songlist in his head within the first verse.
***
“Poor baby.” Sonny followed Rafael out of Marly’s bedroom, turning out the lamp as they walked out. They made their way to the bedroom, each with an arm around the other’s waist, hugging and kissing when they finally entered and closed the door. Sonny wrapped himself around Rafael tightly and didn’t let go for several minutes. Kissing and stroking each other’s bodies, they held on, giving each other the physical warmth and support they both were desperate for. After a long while, Sonny finally said, “If we don’t live through another incident like that, it’ll be too soon.”
“Agreed,” Rafael said, letting Sonny go as he pulled back to change into his pajamas. Rafael sat on the bed, watching him. “Sonny, how’d it happen?” he finally asked. “I know she fell off the slide, but usually one of us is right there, on her.”
Sonny chuckled, but it was clear to Rafael nothing was funny to him. “It’s my fault, Rafi,” he said, turning toward him and yanking off his shirt. “I was looking at something on the goddamn camera. The goddamn fucking camera, Rafi. She could have broken her neck because I thought it was more important to see something on my camera roll.” He sniffed, trying not to cry again. “You know, I used to want to be a really great dad. Now I’d just settle for okay.”
“Sonny.” Rafael stood up and rested his hands on his husband’s hips. “You are more than an okay dad! Do you remember last month when I couldn’t find her? Because she thought it’d be funny to hide in the dryer and then fell asleep in there? And meanwhile I’m about to call missing persons?”
Sonny shook his head. “I have no excuse, Rafael. I should have been there, paying attention. She told me she was going to slide. I told her okay. Today was my fault.”
Rafael cupped his cheek. “You both are going to be okay. Nobody’s upset with you, soleado. It’s okay. And I know you well enough to know that this will never happen again on your watch.” He kissed Sonny gently. “When we made the decision to become parents, we agreed to always try our best, and to trust each other with our baby, remember?”
Sonny nodded.
“Some days that means we’re great dads, and some days we’re surviving, but we’re always okay. I trust you with her. Today doesn’t change that.”
Leaning into his husband once more, Sonny whispered, “Thank you.” As Rafael kissed his jaw, he found himself hoping he could trust himself again soon.
***
“Here you are, Papi! It’s from me an’ Daddy ‘tause you’re such a good papi. We love you!” Marlene handed him a wrapped box and kissed his cheek. He kissed her back.
“Thank you, princesa!” Rafael shook the box. “Hmm...what could this be?”
“Open it! Open it!” she squealed, and Rafael and Sonny both laughed.
“Okay.” Rafael tore open the package and opened the box. Reaching in, he pulled out a pair of lavender socks with a photo on the outer ankle.
“It’s me!” Marlene jumped up and down and clapped. “It’s your princesa, Papi! BEFORE I breaked my arm!”
“I see that!” he exclaimed, glancing at Sonny, who smiled back. “I love them, mija. Thank you so much!”
“Will you wear them tomorrow?” she asked, turning back and forth.
“Yes, I will,” he promised, then picked up a gift bag and handed it to Marley. The little girl’s face lit up and she started to open it. “Uh, no, honey,” he corrected her. “Remember who that’s for?”
“Oh yeah,” she laughed. “I gotted confused and thinked it was mine. Here you go, Daddy! This is for you! Happy Daddy’s day from me an’ Papi! We love you SOOOO much!” She wrapped her free arm around Sonny, giving him a squeeze before pecking him on the lips.
“Well thank you, Marley Mae,” he said, and opened the bag. There were two items inside, and he reached in and pulled out the first one, wrapped in tissue paper. He pulled it out of the paper and held it up. It was an apron that had been thoughtfully decorated by his little artist-in-residence. “I love it, Marley!” he exclaimed. “Look at this! You worked so hard on it!”
“I did, Daddy! An’ I worked extra hard ‘cause I only had one hand, ‘cause Papi forgotted to get it and waited ‘til the last minute, but we did it in time, didn’t we, Papi?” Rafael’s cheeks were red again as Sonny bit back a grin.
“We did, princesa,” he confirmed, then looked at Sonny. “No secrets in this house!”
“Secrets are no good,” Marley said, “wemember, Papi? We don’t keep no secrets here!”
“You’re right, baby,” he said. “Anyway, there’s one more thing in there for Daddy that’s from me.”
“Oh yeah?” Sonny said. “I thought we agreed no dad to dad gifts--”
Rafael nodded. “Just open it.”
Sonny pulled the last box out. It was a mug box. Raising an eyebrow at his husband, Sonny opened the box. It was a mug that said, “World’s Okayest Dad”.
He started to laugh. Then he started to laugh harder. “Oh Rafi...this is perfect.”
“You think so?” Rafael asked. “I was hoping you’d get the humor…”
“Oh babe,” Sonny chuckled, wiping his eyes, “I worked hard for this!”
Rafael laughed. “Yes, you did, corazon.” He squeezed a space in between Sonny and Marley, then wrapped his arms around his husband. “And your okay is more than okay any day. We love you, soleado.”
“Yeah, Soleado,” Marley mimicked, climbing onto Sonny’s lap, “we love you.”