Chapter Text
“Kwon Soonyoung. I like you.”
A bouquet of flowers. And a hug. Maybe a few drops of tears. According to most people, it probably wasn’t enough.
With the spring flowers blooming in the background and the grass swaying to the music in his head, Lee Jihoon had a bouquet of pink roses delicately picked for his one-and-only. He hadn’t felt this sense of wanting to confess to my one-and-only in a long time. Maybe since the time he was six; it was a vague memory. Or maybe never at all.
It was his millionth attempt to shut the beating of his heart. If only he could throw this set of drums under his chest right out the window.
Except there was no window.
He was in open air, in an open field, under a huge tree towering over his small form. His feet could barely stay on the ground; there was a credible effort in trying to run back to his locker. And back home. All on his two feet.
Breathe. He’d thought too many weird thoughts and they were probably enough to fund ideas for his new song— he had to calm down, goddammit.
Jihoon was about to just abandon these flowers on the ground when his figure – oh my God, it’s really him – emerged from the bottom of the entrance stairs. They were standing about ten meters apart. Soonyoung just had dance practice— his hair was all over the place, yet he still sat high and almighty on the throne in Jihoon’s heart. Jihoon didn’t care how unrepresentable Soonyoung felt himself to be; it just had to be him. And him only. He squeezed the stem of the flowers tight into his palms.
Poor Jihoon was too desperate to wait.
“Hey, Kwon Soonyoung!” He wasn’t too careful with the flowers; one of them jumped from his hands and landed on the grass. Not that invisible.
He wanted to capture Soonyoung’s surprised expression with red food colouring rising to his cheeks. “Jihoon? You’re—”
“I like you.”
It came out softer, much more genuine than he had planned.
Soonyoung approached, and the inharmonious sounds erupting from Jihoon’s chest told him it was probably his first and last time trying to get together with someone. With his one and only.
Jihoon was ready. And with the softest expression, Soonyoung stared at him from about two meters away. “What did you say?”
“Kwon Soonyoung!” He might as well have used this volume back when he was ten meters away, but hey, too late. “I like you!”
And this man had the audacity to reply with, “Oh, really?” and a small laugh. Jihoon is giving up and running away in three… two…
“Well…” Was it just him or did Soonyoung’s voice really sound like chimes today?
Jihoon could barely breathe. Contain. Contain. Breathe. Breathe.
Soonyoung bent his back to pick up the fallen rose, and Jihoon suddenly wasn’t sure whether Soonyoung could hear the chaotic rhythm of his heartbeat. And his tender smile lit up his whole wide world. “Ah—” he placed the rose gently on Jihoon’s ear— “It’s a coincidence— because I like you, too.”
Wow, Jihoon must’ve been watching too much anime for this to happen right in front of his eyes— this felt like a dream.
He almost didn’t know what to say. He had lost his breath. And sense of self. He felt like he may faint any second. And this Mr Kwon Soonyoung had the nerve to peck his forehead with his lips.
This had to be a fever dream.
◇◇◇
It had been two and a half months since Lee Jihoon yelled “Kwon Soonyoung! I like you!” on the top of his lungs in an open field. Jihoon laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Wind was blowing into his room from the opened windows, sending his curtains flying. The calendar pages flipped on his study table. June fifteenth. What a pretty date.
A light smile. It’s Soonyoung’s birthday today.
And maybe it was time for the twenty-sixth date.
Nothing before this got Jihoon out of bed. He could get all of the roommates he’d ever had to agree. When he got dressed in what he thought might be able to give Soonyoung a mini heart attack, he skipped down the stairs. Just a nice loose shirt and some normal pants. Mingyu was scrubbing the small dining table, and he called out before Jihoon left the door.
“Jihoon? You’re up early. It’s a Saturday.” Mingyu’s hands froze on the marble table. He decided to shoot a virtual shoulder nudge. “Oh, oh .”
Jihoon gave a nod and a laugh, before leaping out the front door.
The sun was hanging high, it had labelled the sky as a sunny day, perfect for such a bright person like Soonyoung to celebrate his birthday. Jihoon felt like he was more giddy than Soonyoung was— every day, combined.
They’d found their special spot in a small corner in a cafe under Soonyoung’s dance studio, and they made sure the cafe gave them the birthday discounts they deserved. They sat side by side, sipping their iced coffees in aesthetically decorated mugs. There were little diamonds on there— their favourite gem.
“Well…” Soonyoung turned towards Jihoon, and he fidgeted with his hands, seemingly unable to look up at Jihoon. “Thank you… for settling the bill. I’ll—” his head shot up— “pay for the next date, I promise.”
Jihoon reached for Soonyoung’s hand and it was as if their fingers fit like puzzle pieces— perfect, and meant to be. “Soonyoung. It’s your birthday.” Seeing Soonyoung’s crimson cheeks and panicking eyes, he squeezed his hand. “Don’t even think about paying me.”
“But—”
“Soonyoung, I’m—”
And Soonyoung bent his head down to plant a kiss on the back of Jihoon’s hand, pressing his soft damp lips on his skin. Jihoon could barely continue keeping up his cool boyfriend agenda— he could barely speak or even function properly, goddammit.
His kiss left Jihoon with flustered cheeks, widened eyes, and held-in breaths.
Soonyoung raised his head to look at him, and he had the most beautiful eyes in the world; Jihoon wished he could swim in them with dolphins on the horizon, or wallow in them and appreciate the warmth— As if it wasn’t enough, Soonyoung added, “I really like you.”
It was about time for Jihoon’s heart to take this on its own. Jihoon had no intention of trying to keep his rhythmic drums locked between the jail bars of his chest. So he gave in— and gave Soonyoung a kiss on the cheek as revenge, earning a small yelp from Mr. Birthday Boy.
◇◇◇
Lee Jihoon couldn’t believe it was the first time he’d seen Soonyoung’s room. Ever since a year ago, he’d been holding on to Soonyoung’s hand for dear life, and this was the first time he’d seen his room?
Just how many tiger-patterned objects does this man even have?
Soonyoung took a turn towards the bathroom, leaving Jihoon awkwardly spinning on the same spot in the center of the room. Jihoon noticed the box of letters that he’d left on the table near his bed; the envelopes looked overly familiar, with little hearts and stars and diamonds decorating the white papers. Of course they were familiar— they were his.
He wasn’t sure whether he should smile or cry or break down in the middle of his room or just knock on the bathroom door and say he needed to wash his face. Jihoon was just about to contemplate how to have his crying session when Soonyoung exited the bathroom.
“You said you wanted to dance with me?” Soonyoung grinned, his cheeks rising, his eyes closing. Jihoon wanted to slap that grin off his face but also keep it there forever. It was difficult choosing.
Jihoon challenged. “Bring it.”
Soonyoung picked a few songs. He remembered some, such as “Highlight”, “Getting Closer”, “Clap”, and he guessed there were some SHINee songs. He almost just stood there in disbelief when he chose songs he wrote and released on SoundCloud, like, “Home”, and “Oh My!” To be honest, Jihoon never revealed any of his songs to him. Maybe he was psychic. He would definitely believe it.
He’d always noticed the amazing footwork that Soonyoung had in his legs, but up close, it was like witnessing a machine; constantly moving, never missing a beat, every accented beat, every unaccented beat, Jihoon could barely keep track with his dance moves. He flowed like the river, but also like metallic chains; he embodied the water and the fish in the riverbank, they floated to his arms and to his head, whales surfaced on his shoulders; it felt like Jihoon was watching a sunset by a beach. When Soonyoung personified chains, his hands dropping like iron ores, his feet dragging on the floor— the variety in Soonyoung’s dancing made him so much more impressed than he already was.
And added on to that, Jihoon closely observed Soonyoung’s expression in the small mirror hung slanted on the wall. He could barely believe that he could fall more in love with this angelic being— but he did. And he started to think he’d probably be falling more and more and more; he wondered if it would be the same for him.
After meeting him, Jihoon’s life had taken a turn onto a brighter road. He’d started seeing clearer skies, starlit nights, white clouds, calming water. He wished he’d met him earlier. He wished he’d meet Soonyoung in all of his lives and reincarnations. But he was grateful to have met him. He wouldn’t know what life would be like without him anymore.
And this time, he’d realised; maybe a bouquet of flowers, and a hug, and some tears, wasn’t enough— maybe the forehead kisses, the hand-holding, sharing of warmth, million hugs, endless heart-exchanges and love letters made it enough. Or maybe just spending time with him, loving him— well, it was more than enough for Jihoon.
At this moment, Jihoon hugged Soonyoung tighter and closer than ever before.
◇◇◇
In the few years of being together, they’d succeeded in many things. These included sharing breakfast, dividing the apartment room rent by half, pursuing dreams of their own. Jihoon had heaved up his career on SoundCloud, and he’d released albums on Spotify— just around three songs for each. Soonyoung, he taught many students dancing. He’d leave in the morning and come back at night, drenched in sweat, and Jihoon would always have a mini towel ready.
What they didn’t really succeed in— it was a slight inconvenience for the both of them. When they looked at their piggy banks and wallets one night, it was concerning. Their funds could almost no longer sustain their lives together for more than two years.
“Jihoon.” Soonyoung came to him one day, their eyes unable to meet one another. He’d never hear him call out Jihoon instead of the usual Jihoonie in a while. He tried to swallow the fear built up in his throat. “I’m sorry.”
A hand held Soonyoung’s, and Jihoon was shocked to find it cold and sweaty. Soonyoung hadn’t been feeling very happy these days, and Jihoon admitted he was a little worried. “What happened? Don’t say sorry, I’m sure—”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry—” he pulled his hand away, aggressive enough for Jihoon to feel a piercing stab in his heart— “for just… having an early-morning-to-late-at-night job, I don’t think earning a few bucks an hour could get us out of bankruptcy, I’m really—”
“Soonyoung, it’s not your fault.”
“It is, I have to accept it.”
“And we’re not in bankruptcy.”
The tiredness encircling Soonyoung’s eyes brought his irises down a shade. His eyes were no longer containing sparkles and sunlight. “Jihoon—” a hand pointed towards their money box, piggy banks, scattered coins on the table, which Jihoon didn’t quite realise, and he was almost screaming— “can we accept this? We’re not paying enough rent to live in this tiny apartment room. Our TV is broken, all the lights except for the one above us is flickering, the one in your room is completely burnt—”
Jihoon took a breath. He came out slightly calmer than the way his heart was repeatedly knocking against his chest, so rough that he could hear it in his ears. This rapid heartbeat didn’t feel the same as the one on the field, in open air, with the flowers. “We can work hard. I’ll work harder. We can still settle for at least another year—”
“ Jihoon! ” He was screaming. The ceiling was rattling. Possibly literally. Jihoon could hardly stand on his two feet. “We’re both barely working. We still need to—” he started counting his fingers— “one, eat our meals. Two, we still need to pay for the electricity and water, and three, last month’s pay is low enough, this is not working —”
Jihoon’s shaking hands were held out in front of him, either acting as a shield or as a fire extinguisher. “I know, but Soonyoung, plea—”
“Jihoon.” A pause, a sigh. Soonyoung dropped his gaze on the floor possibly to avoid having Jihoon see his teary eyes. “We can’t.”
A million daggers were aimed at Jihoon, he could feel them coming at him all the way from the sun, through the broken windows and the empty kitchen drawers— through the spiderwebs and through the walls. He stepped forward to hold Soonyoung’s arm. Was he trying to shake him awake? Comfort him? Comfort himself? To stop him from running away? To have him stay with him forever? “Yes, we can .”
As long as he could keep up this optimism, nothing could break the two apart. They could stay together. They could be each other’s forever. They could love, they could love again. They could be together, grow old together. He just had to be positive, work hard, be with him, make him happy. Was he wrong?
“No…” Soonyoung was deflating, all of his energy had left him. He seemed to be converting his tiredness into anger—
Soonyoung flung Jihoon’s hand away, throwing it at him as if it would land on the floor. “ No, Jihoon. ” His screams were going to haunt him forever— “ we can’t! ”
“Soonyoung…” The deepest and darkest of his nightmares were crawling on his skin. It was the darkest moment of his life, even if this was the only spot in the tiny apartment room which was dimly lit. We… can’t?
“We can’t…” Soonyoung trailed off as if there was nothing more to that sentence.
Jihoon stayed silent. His heart had been wrenched out of him, his tears had been finished, his stomach had been digested. He was done for.
Soonyoung turned on his heel. He walked towards his room, and Jihoon had to thank the lords it wasn’t the front door. “We can’t be together anymore.”