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Virgil didn’t feel safe. Of course, he never felt safe. After his parent’s death three years ago, nothing helped make him feel safe. Not having his favorite for breakfast, not having his full iPhone full of his favorite songs to listen to, not even his own room.
He was sure the universe hated him. First, it piled him up with heightened anxiety ever since he was little. Then, just when his anxiety was starting to get better, the universe decides to kill his parents. Leaving him alone with his just turned 23-year-old and almost gone off to college, older brother: Roman.
Roman, who was barely able to take care of himself, and now had to take care of himself and now had to take of Virgil, too. Roman, who as soon as CPS knocked on their door after their parent’s funeral, said he would take care of Virgil, that he wouldn't let them take him away, even if his savings had been for an acting degree in college. Roman, who fought fiercely and barely in court to get to keep Virgil, and won.
It wasn't easy at first...well, Roman would say it wasn't easy for a long while. Suddenly needing two jobs just to be able to keep paying rent and have enough for groceries and Virgil's therapist. Even when their parents had left them money, he wasn't using that unless he felt they absolutely needed it. Roman was set on helping Virgil and being there for me.
Even when Virgil started hating him soon after their parent’s death. When Roman and Virgil’s doctor had talked, she had said that now Virgil had lost his most important source of support, his parents, and was lost, scared and confused, and trying to cope with it the only way he knew how, being mad, and putting up walls to protect himself. That’s why he’d distanced himself from Roman and now was aggressive and rude whenever they talked. Virgil was just trying to protect himself The therapist told Roman it would take time for Virgil to open up again and feel safe, Roman couldn’t rush him, he had to be patient.
Roman was patient, and caring, and helpful. He would get up early in the morning, leave breakfast prepared (not eating himself if there wasn’t enough food for both of them), and leave after knocking on Virgil’s door, making sure he woke up some. Heading to his first job of the day as a waiter in a restaurant, then when that shift ended, he would run out of there to his second job at the local Starbucks. And very late at night, when that was done, he would go back home and make dinner (sometimes skipping on preparing for himself if they were running low on food).
Being patient and helpful and caring didn’t pay off. Two years after the accident, Virgil still hated him. No matter how much Roman tried or helped. He was there with Virgil through the panic attacks, the fights in school, the therapist appointments that Virgil hated so much.
Virgil knew Roman was
trying, but he was still mad at the universe and at his parents and at Roman, and at himself. He hated the universe because it had hurt him so much. He hated his parents for leaving alone. He hated Roman for caring so much because Virgil felt Roman didn't care at all. Most of all, Virgil hated himself for still being alive.
He didn't understand. He'd followed what the doctor had said, he took the meds, wrote in the journal, listened to the doctor's suggestions, Virgil was sure he'd done everything right, but nothing would work. He wasn't safe.
Virgil sighed, glaring at his math homework, of which he only understood about half. Math had been his good forte when he was little, apparently growing up made him stupid. He sat up and put the math stuff away. He needed a break. He put on his headphones and let the music start playing. He looked at the time 9:23 pm. Roman would get back soon, make dinner, and probably force him to eat some of it. Virgil sighed again, he didn't feel hungry.
He grabbed his bag and stuffed inside all of his math papers. He took out his journal, flipping to the page he'd used last week in therapy.
"Write about 3 things that make you safe" was written at the top of the page in his own messy handwriting, followed by scratched out parts where he'd started to write something and then changed his mind.
Virgil grabbed his pen, deciding to take a crack at it again.
"I feel safe when," he wrote a couple of lines under the scribbles.
-Virgil, I'm back- Roman knocked on Virgil's bedroom door.-Can I come in?-
-It's a free country-
Virgil got up and opened the door for Roman.
-What?-
-Nothing, just saying hi- Roman said
-Hi- Virgil repeated
-Do you..um, maybe want to come help me with dinner?- Roman asked
-No- Virgil could see how Roman deflated a little, he rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone and journal from where he'd abandoned them on the bed -Fine, but I'm not cooking, just sitting at the table-
Roman smiles and nodded -Deal-
Virgil actually sat at their kitchen counter instead of the table, scrolling down his playlists as Roman moved around the kitchen cooking. He finally decided on playing "Steven Universe Instrumentals", and went back to staring at the journal. "I feel safe when.." staring back at him.
Roman smiled recognizing Steven Universe as soon as the first notes started playing. Their late dad's favorite cartoon, and favorite playlist for them all to sing along to in the car. He started humming along to it, not mentioning anything about it or their parents to Virgil, afraid it would push him away if he did.
He looked at Virgil and smiled, they hadn't spent time together like this in a while. In silence, with Steven Universe for background music, being nice to each other. Roman noticed Virgil's journal on his lap, open and ignored while Virgil scrolled through his phone again.
-Is that your therapy journal?- he asked, being careful about his tone, Virgil could get defensive and mad at him any second and leave back to his room.
-Yeah- Virgil answered, looking up from his phone to glare at Roman and close the journal -Why?-
-No, nothing- Roman looked at Virgil out of the corner of his eyes while chopping vegetables for dinner- ..what are you writing about?-
Virgil scoffed, and Roman could feel how he rocked his eyes.
-If you want to say- he added quickly
-She wants me to write about what makes me feel safe- Virgil said with another eye roll.
Roman nodded, putting the vegetables in with the mashed potatoes. Getting the steak he'd managed to get on sale a couple of days ago in a pan to heat up and cook, waiting for Virgil to continue. When Virgil stayed quiet, Roman took the risk and asked.
-So...what does?- he looked at Virgil -What makes you feel safe?-
-Mom and dad did- Virgil said, and looked at the journal, opening it again -But they're not here-
Roman looked at Virgil. Knowing how his brother was feeling. They both missed their parents a lot, but sometimes Roman thought Virgil hurt more about it than he did. He nodded quietly, he couldn't fix that. No matter how much they wanted it, their parents wouldn't come back.
-I know, V-
Virgil took his pen, staring at "I feel safe when.." on his journal. He scribbled over it. He was never safe. The two people that made him safe were gone. They left him with Roman, who had no clue how to help Virgil.
-I think I have something to help- Roman said
-What?- Virgil looked up from his journal confused
Roman put the food on low to simmer and left the kitchen. Virgil stayed sitting on the counter looking to Roman's room. Roman came back to the kitchen hiding something behind his back.
-Do you remember when we were little and mom would give you his jacket and that would help you stop being scared?- Roman asked
Virgil nodded, silent, knowing now that what Roman had behind his back was that jacket.
-I know I haven't been good at helping you feel safe on my own, and um,...well you mentioned mom and that made me think of the jacket, so maybe you'd want it?-
-You...want me to keep mom's jacket- Virgil repeated
-If you think it would help- Roman said -But if you just think it'll make you more nervous then no- he fidgeted with the jacket, hiding it behind his back-I don't want to send you into a panic attack by accident or something like that- he started rambling
-I want it- Virgil said
-Oh, yeah, okay- Roman nodded -Are you sure?- he asked worriedly
-I want it- Virgil repeated, getting off the counter and standing in front of Roman.
-Okay-
They both took a deep breath, and Roman stopped hiding the jacket behind his back. Virgil swallowed dry, he hadn't seen that jacket in years. Every time he tried to get into Roman's closet to look at it he would end up crying and most of those failed attempts souls result in panic attacks.
Virgil took the jacket and ran his fingers over it gently. He'd always liked the leather feeling under his fingers, finding funny how cold it felt even in their warm apartment. He hugged the jacket, burying his face in it, if he tried hard enough he could pick up the smell of their mom's cologne, still faintly on the jacket.
-I...can I put it on?- Virgil asked, feeling himself tear up and refusing to look at Roman.
-Of course- Roman answered -Here, I'll hold your hoodie, try it on-
Virgil took off his hoodie and gave it to Roman. He looked at the jacket again before finally putting it on. It was slightly heavy on his shoulders, and warm. Virgil closed his eyes and put his arms around himself, it almost felt like getting a hug from his mom.
Roman smiled lightly seeing Virgil with their mom's jacket. Virgil looked more like him every day.
Virgil felt his shoulders starting to shake and opened his eyes to look at Roman. He touched his face lightly, it was wet. When had he started to cry?
Roman stopped smiling and panic swept across his face. He'd made Virgil cry. He'd just wanted to help!
-Oh my, Virgil, I'm so sorry- Roman reaches out and took Virgil's hands- I'm really sorry I thought-
Virgil cut him off -Shut up its fine-
Then, he hugged Roman for the first time in years.
Roman todo still for a moment, surprised and confused. Carefully, he put his arms around Virgil, hugging him back. He held his small, shaking, younger brother. He could feel himself tearing up too.
They stayed there together, crying, holding each other for only half an hour, but Roman felt it and long as a lifetime.
Virgil let go of Roman and waited for him to move his arms to take a step back and clean his face with his hands. Virgil could feel Roman staring at him.
I'm sorry- Virgil said
-What?- Roman wiped at his eyes, getting the tears out of the way -
Virgil looked away, starting to fidget with the sleeves of the jacket, slightly too long on him, hiding his hands completely in cute sweater paws.
-Everything?- he said quietly -I know I'm..bad, and ruin everything, ...and I make you spend money on therapy that really just..mind of doesn't work?-
Roman felt himself starting to cry again.
-And I know IT's supposed to take time and all but I don't know...maybe I should've been fixed by now? But nothing I do helps and the stupid doctor isn't much help either.-
-Virgil- Roman cut him off gently -I know it's hard, and a lot, and you don't have to be fixed, you're not broken.-
-It feels that way- Virgil muttered
-I'm really sorry, V- Roman said -If that's how you're feeling we can change what we're doing, it was all meant to help you, not make you feel worse-
Virgil looked down at his hands, hiding in the jacket's sleeves, feeling guilty. As much as he pretended to not be, he was grateful for all that Roman did and put up with for him. Now that they were talking for the first time in such a long while he didn't want Roman to think he hated him anymore, or that he didn't care about the sacrifices Roman made for him.
-We don't have the money to afford a new doctor, Roman- he said -It's fine-
Roman shook his head -Nope, not okay- he declared -If this one doesn't help we'll find someone who will-
-It's not...her, just it's everything, Roman- Virgil sighed- She's fine, I just don't like doctors, school sucks, and I don't get anything the teachers talk about, so I'm failing. You are probably the best brother ever and I hate that nothing you do makes me feel safe because my stupid pea brain decided to be scared all the time.-
Roman laughed a little, and Virgil glared at him. Here he was trying to open up and Roman laughed at him. He hunched over his shoulders, trying to make himself small, seeing how trying to open up hadn't worked so he would go back to normal then, he started thinking of what sarcastic comeback he could use for when Roman said something that would hurt him.
Roman noticed the shift in Virgil immediately and realized laughing hadn't been something smart to do.
-Oh, no, no, V, I'm sorry- he said quickly -I'm not laughing at you-
Virgil looked at Roman.
-You just said I'm the best brother and that isn't true I'm such a fuck up- he said quickly, muttering to himself
-You're not a fuck up- Virgil said- It just looks like that because I don't make it easy-
-No, Vir-
-I do- Virgil cut him off before he could start -But...I'm not going to, not anymore, ever again.-
Roman nodded, looking at Virgil trying to see if any of that were lies. They weren't, Virgik was standing straight and looking at him in the eyes. He meant it.
-Okay- Roman said, then thought about it- We won't change your doctor, and I'll try to be home more. And I think I can find someone to help you with your grades and schoolwork.-
-Okay, yeah, I'll try that- Virgil said, nodding repeatedly.
-Also, it would be nice if we could spend more time together, so I'm going to put from my part to be here more.-
-I won't hide in my room as much..- Virgil sighed, his room was where he was more comfortable in, but if Roman didn't want him there he would listen.
-You can still spend time in your room, just..eh, come out when I ask you to? Please?- Roman asked, putting Virgil's hoodie in the counter and taking the now ready food and putting on a plate for Virgil.
-....I'm gay?- Virgil jokes, his way to try to end serious conversations and ask if everything was okay.
Roman smiled, they were okay.
-Gasp!- Roman said out loud- Me too, girl!!-
Virgil laughed, and Roman with him, they were okay.
-Nice-
-Mhm- Roman hummed, handing Virgil his plate -Eat something, we can watch a movie later if you want-
Virgil looked at his plate, full of food, then at Roman.
-Yeah, eh, can we split this?- he asked- I'm not that hungry-
In reality, Virgil was a bit hungry, but he knew Roman most likely hadn't eaten anything all day and that he wouldn't eat at all for giving it to Virgil.
-Oh, are you sure?- Roman asked
-Mhm-
-Okay, I can separate it to make enough for both of us-
-Aight, cool- Virgil said, putting the plate in the counter -Also go shower, you smell like coffee-
Roman laughed- And you hate coffee that much-
-Maybe-
A week went by, both brothers were keeping up with their promise. Roman changed his shift times at Starbucks and now could spend more time at night with Virgil. Virgil had stopped locking his bedroom door and would spend more time out with Roman, sometimes they would still yell and make sarcastic remarks, but it was them trying to figure out what was hurtful and what wasn't. Whenever something was, they would apologize. They were healing together, it was a slow process but they were working on it.