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Catra remembered the first time it happened.
It had been right at the beginning of the school year. Adora had dragged her to a birthday party for an older student from her theater troupe, who went only by the nickname Double Trouble. They'd been there for awhile, long enough for Adora to get drunk off her ass. She'd pulled Catra aside and, out of nowhere, kissed her. Hard. Catra had pushed her off and yelled at her, asking what the hell she thought she was doing. Adora had just giggled and blushed. The next morning, she hadn't remembered shit. And Catra sure as hell wasn't going to tell her, because that might lead to her accidentally admitting her stupid fucking crush on the girl she'd been friends with since the dark days of middle school. Which in turn, would lead to Adora never speaking to her again, because Adora was beyond straight. She was so aggressively heterosexual it was almost painful. When she was sober, at least.
Ever since that, Catra avoided going to parties with Adora as much as possible, especially when she knew there would be alcohol there. Whenever Adora got too drunk around Catra now, she ended up acting insane. She hadn't tried to kiss Catra again, thank God, but there was other stuff. She was always going on about how pretty Catra was and how much she loved her and wanted to be with her. It messed with Catra's head, especially since she never said a word about it once she was sober enough to speak without slurring. Catra wanted more than anything for Adora to just grow up and tell her how she felt without any alcohol in her system, but she didn't know if she could handle the truth. There was no way Adora really liked her like that. Not with the way she talked about her friend Bow. She always told Catra he was like a brother to her, but Catra suspected the only reason she hadn't asked the guy out already was because of how in love he was with her friend Glimmer. Even Catra, as jaded as she pretended to be, had to admit they made an adorable couple.
Besides, even if Adora really did want to be with her, relationships never ended well for Catra. Her last ex, Scorpia, still wouldn't talk to her, and Catra knew she was entirely to blame.
When Catra arrived at this party in particular, she knew she'd fucked up. She'd had her doubts already when she saw Adora wearing the little red dress she only wore to big events, despite her claim that tonight's party was "just a little hang-out at Bow's place to celebrate the end of the semester". Honestly, that in and of itself had been suspicious, considering Bow was part of the biggest fraternity at the school, but Catra had been pretty tired when Adora had asked her to go, so it was pretty easy for the blonde to convince her. Now, though, with bass shaking the steps leading up to the frat house and raucous laughter and yelling spilling from the backyard, Catra was seriously considering turning around and leaving.
"Just a little hang-out, you said?" She asked incredulously, giving her friend a side-eyed glare that made her pout.
"Come on, Cat. We never go to real parties together anymore," Adora whined, slinging an arm around Catra's shoulders so she couldn't back away as Adora steered her toward the house. "I wanted to just do one more thing with you before we left for break. Tonight's gonna be fun!"
"Am I even dressed right? You look way nicer than I do," Catra protested feebly. It wasn't a total lie. Her faded maroon tank top and ripped jeans looked positively shabby next to Adora's outfit, and she hadn't even brushed her hair that day. "Maybe I should just go home and change."
"Oh, no you don't. There's not even a dress code, I just felt like being extra. Besides, you won't come back if I let you leave now." Damn it. Adora knew her way too well. With a sigh, Catra let herself be pushed through the front door.
The party was exactly as chaotic as she'd feared. At least a hundred people filled the rooms before her, most of them dancing and almost all of them holding those cliche red Solo cups. Some people were doing extra stupid shit, like trying to balance on the railing of the staircase or dancing on the tables. Through the glass doors at the back of the house, she could see another huge group of people in and around the pool, which seemed especially ridiculous to Catra, considering it was maybe forty-five degrees outside. Basically, it was the perfect place for the girl beside her to try some more stupid shit.
"Adora! Catra!" One of Bow's frat brothers, a guy on the swim team who had the nickname Sea Hawk (seriously, what was it with the kids at this school and their nicknames?) jogged up to the pair of them, grinning. "Awesome to see you! 'Specially you, Adora." He winked at her as he spoke, and Catra felt her face heat up. She was happy to notice, though, that Adora looked just as uncomfortable with the attention as Catra felt.
"Hey, Sea Hawk. How's Mermista?" Catra asked coolly, smirking as she watched Sea Hawk flush at the mention of his girlfriend. Catra couldn't stand guys who fancied themselves as players, especially when they were already taken.
"She's...well...um, there are drinks over there. Have fun." After a moment of floundering, Sea Hawk just backed away awkwardly. Catra looked over at Adora, and they both burst out laughing. For a moment, Catra forgot to be mad at her friend for tricking her into coming to a party like this. Then Adora started pulling her in the direction of the drinks Sea Hawk had mentioned, and the moment ended.
Bow was behind the bar, chatting happily with some hippie girl that Catra thought she recognized from Adora's study group for Biology. He lit up when he spotted Adora and Catra, waving them over. "Hey! You guys made it! Adora, your usual?" He asked, and Adora nodded. She and Bow had been to a lot of parties together, so it made sense that he knew what she liked to drink, but Catra couldn't help the flash of jealousy that went through her.
As he started mixing her drink, Adora nodded hello to the hippie girl. "Catra, you know Perfuma, right?" She asked.
"Actually, no. But it's nice to meet you," Catra answered, directing her second sentence to Perfuma, who smiled.
"You, too. Adora's told me a lot about you. You two must be pretty good friends," Perfuma said. Catra thought she detected amusement in Perfuma's tone as she said that. So who the hell knows what that meant.
"Yeah, we've known each other for a really long time, I guess," Catra mumbled. Bow placed Adora's drink down on the bar just then, and set a second drink in front of Catra. She thought about ignoring it, but whatever. She never liked getting as drunk as Adora, but being kind of tipsy might make this party more bearable. Besides, it's not like she had to drive. She picked up the drink and took a sip. It was nothing fancy, thankfully -- just rum and Coke, more rum than Coke. She looked over and saw Adora chugging hers like her life depended on it. "Jesus," Catra muttered under her breath. It seemed like it was going to be quite a night.
--
"Caaaaaatra."
Here it comes, Catra thought as Adora stumbled along the sidewalk next to her a few hours later. She'd actually been pretty normal at the party, but Catra had been keeping track of how much she'd been drinking, and there was no way she'd remember anything tomorrow. Which meant all bets were off as to what she might say or do right now. Especially since they were walking home with only each other for company.
"Yeah, Adora?" She asked.
"You know your eyes?"
Catra couldn't help but laugh a little at that. "Yeah, what about them?"
"They're like...they're so different," Adora said, her voice full of drunken awe. "Like this one," She poked the space beneath Catra's brown eye. "It's so orange. Like most people have brown eyes that are really dark brown, but that's actually orange. It's like, fuckin'...what's that stuff in trees? The sap stuff?"
"Amber?" Catra suggested.
"Amber. Yeah." Adora nodded, swaying a little where she stood. Catra led her gently further down the sidewalk as she kept talking. "But then this one is so blue." She poked Catra beneath her other eye. "Like, so blue. Mine are all stupid and grayish. But yours are so pretty."
"You have nice eyes, too," Catra answered softly. She felt stupid. It was hard to know what to say when Adora got like this. Honestly, Catra really did love Adora's eyes; the gray in them looked nice, as though you were looking at the ocean on a cloudy day. But it's not like she ever could actually tell Adora that. If she were drunk, it would just enable her. If she were sober, it would probably seriously weird her out.
"I mean, you're just pretty in general," Adora continued. "With the hair and the fuckin' freckles and all that. But your eyes are my favorite." She actually poked Catra directly in the eye this time, which made her yell and jerk away from her. Adora tripped and fell to the sidewalk, laughing. "Why'd you drop me? You're so mean," she giggled. Catra noticed that her hair was starting to fall out of her ponytail, the blonde glowing almost silver in the wintry moonlight. She then noticed what a stupid thing that was to notice, and she was quiet as she helped Adora to her feet.
"Are you okay?" She asked as they started to walk again. Adora was leaning more heavily on her than before, so Catra was briefly worried that she'd hurt herself in the fall.
"Of course I'm not!" Adora yelled, which didn't help matters. Catra was about to ask where she was hurt before Adora spoke again. "You didn't say if you think I'm pretty, too."
"I think you're pretty. Of course I think you're pretty," Catra said without thinking. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Adora was beaming at her now in a way that made her super nervous. If she wasn't so worried about Adora falling again, she'd be running.
"That's...that's really good. Do you even know how much I like you?" Adora asked, her voice much too quiet and serious. Catra's face was so hot all of a sudden. She was extremely aware of how close together she and Adora were standing. There was so little space between their faces...
Suddenly, Adora's face changed. "Gonna be sick," she mumbled, before turning away and vomiting into a nearby bush. A better friend probably would've stayed and helped her out, held her hair out of the way, rubbed her back, stuff like that, but Catra was too freaked out. She just couldn't be around Adora anymore. She seized the opportunity and ran back to her dorm without looking back.
Once she was safe in her room, of course, she felt massively guilty. She pulled out her phone and sent a quick message to Adora. "sorry for bolting. lemme know if u need me to come get u, or if u get back to ur dorm safe".
It was only a few seconds before her phone chimed with a response. "all good bbygirl ;)) miss you already".
Catra let out a sigh of relief, but didn't text back. Instead, she collapsed into her bed, exhausted by everything that had happened that night. She was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.
--
Catra woke up to another text from Adora, who was apparently back to her normal self. "Hey so you wanna do brunch? I think we should talk about last night."
"Fuck!" She yelled, earning herself a glare from her roommate, Lonnie. "Sorry," She muttered, sitting up in her bed and trying to contain her freakout.
Okay. So clearly Adora knew something about last night. The question was, how much did she actually remember? And how was she feeling about what she did remember? Was she pissed about Catra leaving her? How much of their conversation had stayed in her head? Was she finally about to explain the way she really felt about Catra? Oh, God, now Catra felt like she was the one who might be sick. Curiosity won out over her nerves, though, and twenty minutes later she was walking into her and Adora's favorite cafe.
Adora looked rough in a way that would've only been noticeable to somebody who knew her well, so of course Catra spotted it right away. Her ponytail was perfect and her outfit was neat and matching, but she just looked off. She wasn't sitting with her normal perfect posture, and she was wearing makeup, which she only did when she needed to hide a blotchy face or dark circles beneath her eyes. All of this, combined with the fact that she was staring into her cup of coffee liken she was trying to set it on fire with her eyes, only made Catra more anxious as she slipped into the seat across from her.
"Hey, Adora," Catra said, which made Adora jump. Catra let out a nervous laugh. "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."
"No, it's okay," Adora murmured. "Crazy party last night, right?"
"Uh. Right," Catra mumbled. She wanted to ask Adora to please stop stalling and just say what she actually wanted to say already, but no. Getting aggressive was probably the worst thing she could do in this situation.
"So about what I said after we left..." Adora started after a moment. Catra's heart stopped. So she did remember. "I'm really sorry I keep saying things like that, I know it's really not right to-"
"You remember?"
"What?" Adora looks as confused as Catra felt, though not nearly as angry.
"You remember saying things like that? Not just last night, but the other times?" Catra asked. Her voice shook in a way that she hated, but she was too mad to stop talking. "You mean I've been letting you jerk me around for a full semester because I thought you didn't know what you were saying, but you've remembered this entire time?"
"Catra, I'm sorry, I thought-"
"Do you remember kissing me?" Catra's voice was steadier now, and cold as ice.
"What?" Adora's eyes were wide and scared. Catra didn't care. She needed to know. She could deal with Adora's feelings later.
"The first party we went to this year, at your theater friend's house. You got drunk, and you kissed me, and then you acted like it never happened. I thought you didn't remember, but now..."
"Okay, fine. Yes, I remember," Adora admitted, closing her eyes. Catra nodded to herself, then got up and started to walk out.
"Catra, wait!" Adora pleaded, getting up after her and grabbing her by the arm. People were starting to look at them now.
"Adora, let go. You're making a scene," Catra hissed.
"We're both making a scene. Just sit down and talk to me. Please," Adora answered, pulling Catra back toward the table. With a huff, Catra shrugged her off and followed her back, flopping down into her seat and crossing her arms. She didn't look at Adora.
"Okay. Yes, I remember everything. I can handle my alcohol better than you think, you know," Adora started with a small laugh. Catra glared at her, and she cleared her throat. "Sorry. I just...Jesus, I knew you didn't like me back, but I didn't think you'd go this crazy."
"Wait. You think I don't like you back?" Catra asked.
"Catra, it's okay. I know you don't. You made that much obvious when you didn't kiss me back," Adora mumbled. Her face was growing redder by the second, and suddenly Catra felt terrible.
"I didn't kiss back because I didn't want to take advantage of you. I didn't think you were actually serious about how you felt. But it's not because I didn't like you. I mean, Jesus, I've been in love with you since high school. I'm surprised you didn't know. I felt like I was being so obvious with how I reacted," Catra explained. "When you never said anything...I just figured...I mean, we've been friends for so long. You're closer to me than anybody else. I didn't want to ruin that. Honestly, I thought you were straight." She thought about that for a moment. "Why did you never even come out to me?"
"Because you'd ask how I realized, and you were still dating Scorpia when I first came to terms with it, and it just would've been awkward. You know I'm a terrible actor, so it's not like I could've lied about how I figured it out, you know?" Adora laughed. Despite herself, Catra actually smiled a little. So maybe Bow was like a brother to Adora after all.
"Look, I'm really sorry," Adora continued. "It was so shitty of me to treat you like that for so long. More than that, it was bad of me to refuse to be honest with myself. I should've had the courage to talk to you like this, and I shouldn't have kept putting you in situations where I had the ability to treat you like that. If nothing else, I promise to never drag you to another party again."
Catra sighed, then reached out and took Adora's hand. "It does suck that you did that, but I guess I kind of understand why. Besides, I could've brought it up to you and I didn't, so it's not entirely your fault that we didn't talk about it sooner. I guess we were both just scared."
Adora nodded. "That's probably pretty true."
Catra smiled again, faintly. "I don't know if I forgive you, exactly, but I wanna try to move on from it. I still like you a lot, so...where do we go from here?" She asked.
The smile on Adora's face was so wide it was truly ridiculous. "I guess...maybe we go on a date? Like, officially?"
Catra laughed. "That sounds amazing. Where were you thinking?"
"No idea. Somewhere that doesn't serve alcohol."