Work Text:
Seeing Patton intoxicated was a fairly new development in their friendship. It’s an odd thing to think about, all that's changed in the last few months. Janus had been more than a little surprised that Thomas had accepted him, but Patton? The physical embodiment of morality? He’d never been foolish enough to hope for such things.
Janus and Patton’s relationship had been fairly messy for most of their existence. When they were children things were far simpler, but even then, there was opposition. Janus had never gone far enough to claim outright hatred for Patton, not even when he might’ve deserved to do so. It was hard, even when they were so bitter to one another, to claim to hate someone who was usually so kind, so bubbly, and full of positivity. There were instances where he’d longed to despise him, but there was always something about Patton that was so likable and soft, despite what he tried to see.
For years he’d tried, in vain, to win Patton over to his side. Eventually, he’d given up, determined to gain some kind of influence in Thomas’s life even if he did so despise by the others. In the end, it took Patton having a frog-related meltdown in order for things to finally sink in. Janus’s importance and everything he represented, as it turned out, was far more nuanced than Patton had ever allowed himself to consider.
Janus hadn’t expected Patton’s acceptance of him, much less his friendship. He had apologized to Janus for all of the hurt he’d caused him just as he’d apologized to Thomas. Janus had tried to rebel against it and not accept it so easily, but he couldn’t help himself. The way that Patton said it, so genuinely, explaining that he felt so awful for all that he’d put him through and that from there on out he wanted to include him more. For the love of God Patton had hugged him, tucking him into a tight embrace and promising he’d do better by him with tears in his eyes like he was devastated for the animosity that had festered between them.
And this wasn’t without consequences for the moral side, either. Things between him and Roman had been fractured to say the least, recently. It wasn’t like Roman and Janus were on any better footing; the princely side had been avoiding him like the plague ever since their sharing of rather unkind words. Quite the opposite, Patton had been seeking him out quite a lot.
Chats in the common room between them were beginning to become fairly routine, as strange as that was to admit. Janus was now invited to movie nights and for meals, even to the disdain of others. He and Virgil certainly weren’t in the best place and he had been spending even more time with Roman recently to avoid him. Janus couldn’t believe that Patton would be willing to sacrifice so much to spend time with him. It just didn’t make sense.
It wasn’t as though he was complaining. His time spent with Patton was cherished and something he was growing to enjoy more and more as time went on. Janus was growing quite fond of the moral side, maybe more so that he’d like to admit.
He was by no means used to the physical contact that Patton provided him. Embraces were becoming very common, and in all honesty, Janus still wasn’t used to it at all. Being wrapped up in Patton’s arms, feeling far too safe, too warm. It spelled trouble, the way such things made him feel. But who was he to deny Patton a hug or two?
He should’ve. Surely, it would’ve staved off so much heartbreak if he’d been a litter firmer, more distant. If he had been an acquaintance rather than a friend, someone who was of little importance to Patton but played a role in his life nonetheless. For a long time he’d considered Patton a coworker, just as he considered the others to some extent, but things were shifting. He couldn’t call Patton that now; not after everything that had recently occurred.
Physical-contact was one thing but seeing Patton drunk was another entirely. Janus had been fairly surprised to find out that Patton liked to unwind with a glass of wine at the end of the day sometimes just as he did. As it turned out, he didn’t like to drink in front of the others, opting to do so when everyone else had gone to bed.
When Janus asked why, Patton had simply responded, bubbly as ever: “Oh I just get a little silly when I’ve had something to drink is all.” At the time, Janus had assumed that would be the end of it. If Patton didn’t feel comfortable drinking around the others then it was very doubtful he would behave any differently around Janus.
Except on Janus’s search for a late-night cup of tea, he found Patton leaning against the kitchen counter, nursing half a glass of wine. He was about to turn on his heel and leave without his beverage before Patton spotted him and grinned wide as ever.
“Jan! C’mer, come talk with me!” Patton invited cheerily, his voice a touch too loud for the time of night. Janus considered leaving. Would keeping Patton company be rude, considering what he’d said? But then again…he’d offered him his company, rather enthusiastically in fact. And the idea of turning Patton down and upsetting him rather than staying for a while was far more unappealing.
“Hello, Patton,” Janus said as he strode into the kitchen and stood beside the moral side.
“Hey – you want some?” Patton said, gesturing to the bottle of wine sitting on the counter. Janus thought about it for a moment, noticing how Patton’s cheeks were already a tough too pink before deciding a little wouldn’t hurt.
“Sure, I suppose a glass would be fine.” Patton smiled at that, grabbing a wine-glass from the cabinet and providing a generous pour before handing it to Janus.
“Thank you,” Janus said, holding the glass to his lip and taking a dainty sip. Janus felt Patton’s eyes on him in a way he couldn’t ever recall them being. He was practically beaming on him, staring not with any kind of distaste but what Janus could only identify as unabashed fondness. The very idea was terrifying.
“So, do you do this often?” Janus asked, hoping the question might get Patton to stop staring at him like that, “Have a late-night drink, that is?” Patton shook his head, the action more forceful than necessary.
“Not too terribly often, no. Just something to take the edge of, y’ know?” Patton said, taking a sip long enough to drain the rest of the glass. Janus noticed the way Patton’s hand trembled as he poured himself a second.
Ah, Patton was a lightweight, then. That explained why he didn’t like to have the others watch him while under the influence. To them, he was to some extent a father-figure and one who always wanted to do right by his “kiddos.” Perhaps he thought that being drunk and saying something “silly,” as he’d phrased it, could disrupt that somehow. Why, then, would he allow Janus to be with him now?
“I do,” Janus said, turning the words over in his mind. It was interesting to consider, Patton wanting to take the edge of. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t thought that Patton had just as many problems or stressors as the rest of them, it was just odd to contemplate, the fact that Patton was even telling him.
“And drinking alone helps? It takes the edge off?” Janus didn’t mean to sound cruel. It was just…sad to think about, really. Patton being too embarrassed to relax in front of the others, feeling like he could only do so by himself. Patton shrugged, the deep red liquid nearly sloshing out of his glass.
“I mean…yeah. It’s not always ideal – but that’s why it’s nice having a friend like you around! A drinking buddy!” Janus laughed at Patton’s enthusiasm, as well as at the idea that his presence was making Patton comfortable. That was reassuring, considering how long they’d had a distaste for one another.
“Well then I’m happy to be of service,” Janus replied, only to find Patton clapping him on the back a touch too hard for his liking, the wine sloshing in his hand.
“Don’t say it like that. you’re not “of service” you’re – we’re friends. You’re my friend, I like having you around. I wish we’d been doing this years ago,” Patton said, sorrow blanked beneath the slight slur of his voice.
“I enjoy your company, too, Pat,” Janus said honestly, maybe too honestly, laughing fondly as he watched Patton set his glass down and hoist himself up so that he could sit on the counter.
“Oh! I see why Virgil likes this, sitting up here. And now I can do this,” Patton said with a giggle, reaching out and pulling Janus into a tight embrace, his legs wrapping around his waist. Janus stiffened, feeling every muscle in his body tense up. Patton was already incredibly affectionate while sober, but this? This was overwhelming, terrifying, even. Janus became hyper-aware of how hard his heart was beating, knowing it would be impossible for Patton to miss it what with him burying his face into his chest.
“Mm, you’re warm, an’ comfy, too. I like hugging you, Janny. Coulda been hugging you so long ago…” Patton had certainly never called Janus “Janny” before.
Patton trailed off, snuggling against him. Janus sighed, wrapping his arms around Patton’s shoulders and returning the embrace, despite the fear that was bubbling up in him. It was greedy, accepting this while Patton’s in such a state. He’d never be this outwardly affectionate if not for the alcohol, certainly not with Janus. Janus could feel the heat radiating off of the moral side as he peeked up from his chest and rested a hand on the left side of his face. Janus shuddered.
“Smooth. They’re smooth,” Patton said with a loopy smile, running his fingers along the scales slowly, “I always wanted to touch em. Can I touch em?”
“You already are, Patton,” Janus pointed out, not that it seemed like Patton was registering it.
“They’re cold, too. It feels so nice. And pretty. Have I ever told you how pretty your scales are, Janny?” Janus could feel the blood draining from his face, uncertain under Patton’s burning gaze.
“Uh – yes. Yes, I think you might’ve mentioned that” Janus lied lamely, hoping it gets Patton to drop the issue. Patton shook his head.
“Nu-uh, I would have remembered that! Your scales are scalerific! Or something like that…” As it turned out, Patton’s sense of humor didn’t transfer over too well when he was intoxicated. Patton gasped as he lost his grip around Janus, nearly falling forward before Janus caught him and set him on his feet.
“I think it’s best that you go to bed,” Janus advised, taking the glass from Patton and allowing Patton to lean on him, his form noticeably trembling, “We wouldn’t want you to fall down, now would we?” Patton sighed.
"I guess not, but I must say I’m already falling for you,” Patton said, followed by a hiccup, “Gosh my head’s fuzzy…” Janus’s heart rate spiked at the joke, thinking, for a fleeting moment, what if? But such things were dangerous, and he knew that. Patton was drunk, and nothing he has to say should be taken too seriously.
Janus helped Patton down the hallway and into his bed, removing Patton’s shoes and cardigan. He snapped his fingers, placing Patton in a set of pale blue pajamas. It wasn’t anything Janus had ever imagined himself doing, tucking morality into bed, and yet here he was nearly losing his nerve enough to give him a goodnight kiss.
Janus had simply meant to help Patton to his room, but before he knew it he was tucking the blankets over him and placing a glass of water on the nightstand as well as some headache medication for the morning. He was about to get up and leave the room when Patton spoke, voice thick with exhaustion.
“You know, I like Janus. He’s so beautiful…” Janus froze, standing near Patton’s bedside, thankful he’d already shut the lights out.
“What are you –.”
“I love him.” The statement punched the air out of his lungs, nearly leaving him gasping for air. There was such a genuine, lovesick tone to Patton’s voice, as though he’d contemplated the notion of loving Janus for a long time and it was something he believed with the utmost sincerity.
“Don’t tell him, okay?” Janus didn’t know who Patton was convinced he was confiding in, he didn’t want to know. He needed to leave now, he needed to lie under the blankets and pray the memory away.
“Okay, Pat. I won’t.” Janus said breathlessly, walking to the door and shutting it. Janus’s back collided with the door as he slid to the floor, blinking back tears.
=+=
Janus slept very poorly throughout the night. Even in his fleeting moments of unconsciousness, he was haunted by what Patton had said. I love him. he could still feel Patton’s hand against, the strangest mix of burning fire and tenderness he’d ever experienced. He should’ve left the kitchen when he found Patton, he shouldn’t have entertained his company, for God’s sake he shouldn’t have been stupid enough to fall for him.
Janus heard the sound of the others bustling around the kitchen and common room, but he stayed in bed, wondering how missed he would be if he just hid in his room for eternity. Surely if he tried it Remus would barge in and bother him, or Logan would tell him that he was being unproductive and not cooperating, or Virgil would make fun of him for being so useless, or Paton –
He couldn’t think about what Patton might do.
He would stay here until he had the strength to leave and face anyone, to face Patton. That might take a millennium.
There were knocks on his door that went unanswered. Whoever was on the other end didn’t seem to care enough to check on him, which was just fine as far as Janus was considered. This was punishment for the fact that he’d been foolish enough to endear himself to Patton and he was paying a price most severe. For so long now he’d been ignoring the dull ache in his chest whenever Patton was around, but it could go unaddressed no longer. Not when the spark of a flame had become an inferno.
It was not a strict necessity for a side to eat, so Janus went without meals, deciding instead to stew in his misery. He’d been torturing himself in Patton’s presence, he realized somberly. Every brush against him, every embrace, every moment shared together hurt him a little deeper until those three little words drove him to agony.
This pain would eat him from the inside. Janus had wondered occasionally what it might feel like to be in love in the past. He’d never imagined it would be such a detrimental pain and he pitied those who sought it out. He pitied himself.
“Janus?” Patton’s soft voice on the other side of the door startled Janus out of a trance, disgusted to realize he’d been crying. Janus scrubbed at his face, untangling himself from the bedsheets.
“I haven’t seen you at all since…well, I’m worried. Can I come in?” Janus felt his pulse hammering in his ear, praying that Patton would leave him rot.
"No, I’m – I don’t want any company right now, thanks.” He cursed the weakness his voice betrayed. Since when had he been so pitiful?
"Janus, you’re hurting. I know you are, and I want to help if I can. Please, let me in?” Janus sighed in defeat, knowing Patton’s persistence and damned good heart wouldn’t allow him to leave well enough alone. He’d stay there until Janus let him in, no matter how long that took. Keeping him waiting would only be staving off the inevitable.
Janus trudged to the door, pulling it back to reveal a terribly concerned looking Patton.
“I’m fine, Pat, nothing to concern yourself with,” Janus muttered, wondering how he’d ever been known as Deceit considering how abysmal that lie was.
“No you aren’t,” Patton said, his voice soft and sad, “I can see you’ve been crying…Jan, please, tell me what’s going on? Or don’t, if you don’t want to. I don’t want to pressure you it’s just…I’ve been really worried and trying to give you space but then you didn’t come out of your room for so long and I just…I had to come and check on you.” Janus sighed, walking to his bed and all but collapsing onto it. Patton sighed as he shut the door and sat beside him.
“I’ve done something to upset you, haven’t I?” Patton asked after a moment of bitter silence. Janus exhaled, his eyes landing on the floor.
“It’s not your fault. You don’t need to worry about it.” Patton shook his head, gingerly placing a hand on Janus’s shoulder, reminding him ever too much of how touchy-feely he’d been.
“Of course I need to worry. I’m so sorry for whatever I said to you, Janus. I can’t even imagine; that’s exactly why I don’t like to drink in front of anyone. I get so silly. Gosh, I remember I touched your scales…I’m really sorry. I didn’t even ask, I was so rude.” Janus wondered if this would be his demise? Patton’s kindness, his apologetic nature despite the fact he clearly didn’t remember the things he’d said, didn’t mean them.
“It’s fine. As I said, you don’t need to worry about it. I know you didn’t mean it anyway.” And if Janus had ever had an oh shit moment in all his life, this was definitely it. Patton cocked his head, his grip on his shoulder tightening just barely.
“Didn’t mean it? Janus what – what did I tell you?” Janus swatted Patton’s hand away, half-expecting to demand Patton leave his room at any time now. He couldn’t take this kind of love, he hadn’t been built to carry it and at this rate, he was bound to break down.
“Patton please, just don’t.”
“Jan, what did I tell you? I can see that you’re hurting. I don’t want to hurt you ever again. Please don’t let me hurt you.”
Janus cursed himself as he felt the tears welling up behind his eyes again, wondering when he’d gotten to be so soft. The others would laugh knowing he’d become so infiltrated with sentimentality and longing; he used to be so much stronger before this love.
“You…” he swallowed, wondering if half of the truth might suffice, “you said my scales were pretty. And you, uh, called me Janny, which you don’t usually do. That’s all.” After an uncomfortable moment of silence, Janus dared to meet Patton’s eyes, finding, to his surprise, a great deal of terror flickering in them.
“That isn’t all, though, is it? I told you…didn’t I?”
“Told me what?” Janus asked dumbly. He didn’t mean it. He couldn’t mean it…there was just no way.
“Oh my gosh, I did. I thought it had been a dream,” Patton said quickly, his voice pained, “And now I’ve made you uncomfortable. I was so excited we were finally friends, and I’ve gone and ruined it.” Janus’s mind was ringing out with What if’s and Maybe’s, the tiniest bit of hope welling inside of him. Patton seemed so frightened and sad, and despite all that he’d been feeling, it was horrible to see Patton in a similar state.
“Patton…the thing you told me, the thing you asked me to promise not to tell, well, myself? Did…did you mean it?” Patton’s eyes finally met his again, glossy and wide.
“With all my heart.” And that, it seemed, was all it took to cut Janus lose from his nerves. He cupped Patton’s face in his hands, the skin warm and faintly pink with a blush.
“Me too,” Janus said finally, smiling wider than he had in what seemed like forever. Their lips connected hesitantly, just a brush before Janus felt Patton relax into the embrace, digging his fingers into his hair and pulling him closer. Janus hummed against Patton’s lips as the moral side deepened the kiss, edging on desperate. The pair collapsed onto the bed, a tangle of limbs sharing frenzied, passionate kisses Janus hadn’t even dared to dream about before. Even if he had, this surely would’ve exceeded all expectations.
“I love you, Janny,” Patton said breathlessly as they parted pulling him close, “I really, really love you.”
“I love you too, Pat,” Janus gasped as Patton pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his pulse-point, his mind still reeling, feeling Patton’s hands on him. “I never thought – I mean, considering how things were for so long. Fuck, I’ve got to get you drunk again, I’d love to hear what else you have to say.”
“Language, sweetheart,” Patton scolded, peppering Janus’s neck with kisses that were going to be hard enough to leave a mark if he kept at it. Janus hoped he kept at it.
“You really think they’re pretty? My scales, I mean. Not – not that I care.” Patton giggled, moving so that he was straddling Janus and pushing him down into the mattress.
“Of course I do, cutie,” Patton said, pressing a kiss to the left side of Janus’s face, earning a moan from the deceitful side because, damn, he’d never imagined that would feel as good as it did. He ran his hand along the smooth scales slowly, stopping when he’d reached the collar of his shirt. “How far down your body do your scales go?” Janus arched his back to capture Patton’s lips in a burning kiss.
“Only one way to find out.” Patton grinned more mischievously than he’d ever imagined was possible.
“Oh, that sounds like an escalent idea,” Patton said, barely giving Janus enough time to register the pun before his hands were on him again and Janus was very much doubting that this love would be his downfall. No, he would embrace this, nature these feelings as much as possible. Janus had never been one in favor of vulnerability but with Patton, he was fairly certain he’d bear every ugly, wretched part of his soul if it meant he could have him.
Janus would always be thankful he’d walked in on Patton in the kitchen, thinking of all he’d be missing out on if he hadn’t.
=+=