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San didn’t know what to do. Last night… well, in the early hours of this morning really, he’d kissed his best friend. They had to part ways straight after so they didn’t talk about it and now he sat with his phone in his hand and his lip between his teeth, stressing about whether he should text Wooyoung or call him or even contact him about it at all.
He sighed. What kind of situation had he gotten himself into? One of the best things about his relationship with Wooyoung was that he didn’t have to overthink things. Now he’d gone and messed that up by kissing him…
But Lord knows he doesn’t regret kissing him. Not one bit. It had been extraordinary – possibly the best kiss of his life. He’d confessed to Wooyoung that he was curious about what it’s like to kiss a guy, and that was mostly true, but he was actually far more curious about what it would be like to kiss HIM in particular. And now that he’d satisfied that curiosity he knew he needed more. But how could he even ask for that? He was lucky Wooyoung had agreed to kiss him in the first place. Had Wooyoung even liked it? Wooyoung was experienced with guys, unlike him… What if it wasn’t mind-blowing for him like it was for San?
His phone started ringing, startling him. It was Wooyoung calling, thank goodness. San’s body flooded with relief that his best friend wanted to talk to him too but that relief quickly became nervousness when he remembered their situation. He took a steadying breath before answering.
“Hello, Wooyoung.”
“Hi, San.”
Wooyoung’s voice always sounded higher pitched on the phone. That made San smile a little. “Thanks for calling. I was just wondering if I should call you.”
“You’re welcome…” Wooyoung paused. “I figured we need to talk.”
“Yeah…”
“So did you… How was it? Kissing a guy, I mean.”
Wooyoung sounded nervous too. That made this easier. “It was really good! More than that. I… don’t think I have the words to describe how good it was.”
“Really?” San could hear the smile in Wooyoung’s voice.
“Yeah.” He smiled too, “Really. I would definitely do it again.”
“Wow, I’ve done well! Shown my best friend the joy of kissing men.” Wooyoung laughed.
San laughed too, then he asked carefully, “Did I do well?”
The response was immediate. “Ohh yes! Amazing! The next guy you kiss is a lucky man.”
San was over the moon that Wooyoung had enjoyed it… but he didn’t want to kiss another guy. He just wanted to kiss Wooyoung. “Thank you.” He blushed at the compliments and at what he was about to ask. “Wooyoung, would you… I mean, with me… You…” He was so flustered. “Would you kiss me again?”
There was a short squeak on Wooyoung’s side and then silence. San began stressing, chastising himself for taking it too far, when Wooyoung suddenly asked, “Why do you ask?”
“I… want to kiss you again? Only if you’re okay with it of course. And you don’t have to want it just because I do!” San was panicking now, thinking about how Wooyoung probably had a long line of men he’d rather kiss than him, his old friend. Wooyoung probably thought he was weird for asking him, his best friend, such a thing. He was really pushing his luck.
“Well, I…” Wooyoung sighed. “I do want to kiss you again... I would, but… San, what does that mean for us?”
San’s heart swelled, “Ohh thank goodness. I was so worried I’d ruined our friendship.”
“…That’s just it, San. What about our… friendship?”
San grinned. “Don’t worry, Wooyoung. We’re best friends. This doesn’t have to change that.”
Wooyoung was quiet for a long while but San gave him the time to think. “Okay San, you’re right. We’ll just have fun and keep everything as it is.”
San couldn’t believe his luck. His best friend was the best person in the whole world. “Thank you, Wooyoung. I love you.”
“Yeah, love you too.”
*****
Things were surprisingly not awkward between them after that, much to their relief. They continued as normal with nothing new for a while. Then came the day of a birthday party for one of their older friends.
The birthday was a milestone one and their friend threw a party at a decent venue, asking everyone to dress for the occasion.
Seeing San arrive with his hair slicked back and his formal shirt with the top buttons undone, looking like a sinful dream, made Wooyoung mad with desire for him. The first chance he got, he grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the bathroom.
San didn’t say anything or try to resist. Thankfully, the bathroom was empty. Wooyoung walked briskly, pulling San into a stall after him and then reaching around him to latch the door.
With the door now latched and this breathtaking man before him, he wasted no time stepping into an intense kiss. San’s arms came up around Wooyoung’s shoulders and Wooyoung’s hands rested at San’s hips.
When they broke apart, breathing heavily, San smirked. “Hey,” he greeted.
Wooyoung smiled, his heart racing. “Hey.”
“You look good.” San’s eyes raked over him.
“You’re one to talk. You look like you’re visiting from Olympus.”
San laughed, flattered at being compared to a Greek God, and cupped Wooyoung’s cheek. “Thank you,” he said before leaning in and kissing him slowly, luxuriously.
Wooyoung melted. He dragged his hands up San’s torso and hummed when they stopped at the open part of San’s shirt, fingers grazing firm pectorals. It was amazing how easy this was, how they’d slipped into this sort of thing so naturally.
San took a backward step to the stall’s door. He slid a hand down to Wooyoung’s lower back and pulled him closer. He kissed him deeper, leaning against the door now. Then San shifted, making room for their legs to slot together. They pressed even closer to each other and their bodies fit so well together and it felt so good and Wooyoung wanted to… This was getting too heated. Wooyoung was getting other thoughts now. He pushed away from San.
“What’s wrong?” San asked, immediately concerned.
“Nothing,” Wooyoung assured him. “I was just…” He trailed off and blushed.
San reached up and brushed his hair out of his face softly. “You can tell me.”
Wooyoung met his eyes and sighed. “I was getting dirty thoughts.”
San’s eyes widened for a moment and then returned to their usual thin, cat-like gaze. He looked at Wooyoung like that for a moment before inching forward and bringing his lips to Wooyoung’s ear. “That’s okay. I like dirty,” he whispered.
Wooyoung was astounded. Not sure whether to be aroused or to cringe, he stood frozen as San retreated.
San started laughing. “You should see your face right now. It’s like a cartoon!”
“Hey!” Wooyoung smacked his chest, embarrassed.
San pecked his cheek. “To be serious and honest with you though, I’m not…” he looked thoughtful for a moment, “…against doing more, if you think you’d want that.”
Wooyoung smiled in a mixture of disbelief, amusement, and wonder. “Okay, San. But we can get to that some other time. We’d better get out of here before someone comes in…”
“Oh, right! I forgot where we are.”
*****
About a week later it was a movie night with just the two of them at San’s apartment. Before coming over, Wooyoung had asked if he could stay the night. It was fairly common for them to have sleepovers since they both lived alone. The difference this time was the unspoken knowledge they shared that this night would be very different from others.
San and Wooyoung were cuddling together on the couch, but this was not new. They’d always been this close, their skinship natural since they first became friends.
At some point in the movie, Wooyoung turned his attention to San. His best friend was breathtaking, illuminated by the light of the TV screen. His heart raced at the thought of getting to be intimate with him, probably soon too. He quickly turned back to watching the movie, not wanting to think about it too much.
With the movie finished and the night in its later stages, they prepared for bed. They weren’t going to sleep yet and they both knew that, but they went about the usual preparation for it.
San choked on air when he saw that Wooyoung wore just a sweater as bedclothes. He was simultaneously cute and sexy – his fingers just peeking out from the sleeves adorably but his gorgeous thighs exposed, making San ache to touch him, hold him.
“What?” Wooyoung teased.
“Ohh you know what.” San scoffed. “You’re playing dirty.”
“I thought you said you like that.” Wooyoung was approaching him now and San could barely breathe.
He bathed in the sensual energy Wooyoung oozed when he got close. At this distance, San could see that he had light makeup on. It was surreal - the thought of Wooyoung trying subtly to look pretty just for him… he was already more than enough with his bare face. “You’re pretty.” He commented.
Wooyoung blushed, the sly, teasing air about him evaporating. San decided he liked it very much when Wooyoung blushed for him. “Beautiful,” he added, softer, leaning in. “Gorgeous,” he whispered against Wooyoung’s lips.
Wooyoung’s lips parted easily and San captured them softly, delicately. Wooyoung smiled into the kiss and wrapped his arms around San’s waist. San reached up with both hands and held Wooyoung’s neck at either side, tilting his head a bit before kissing him a little harder.
Wooyoung hummed and leaned into San, getting his body closer to him, and he felt once again how well they fit together. He pulled back from the kiss, slightly breathless, looking at San thoughtfully. San’s eyes were still shut and his lips parted.
When his friend opened his eyes, Wooyoung nearly had a heart attack when he caught the burning desire in them. Damn. He averted his gaze, opting to look down at San’s chest instead. He brought a hand there, focusing on the material that separated their skin.
“San?”
“Yes?” Even just that word, when it came from San, was alluring.
Wooyoung sighed and dropped his forehead on San’s shoulder lightly. He didn’t want this to stop but he also couldn’t just carry on without talking about it. “What are we doing?”
“We’re having fun.”
That wasn’t an answer Wooyoung liked. San seemed to sense his dissatisfaction and brought a hand to his hair, stroking it softly. “I think you’re attractive and I want to… do things with you,” he said, “You’re the only guy I want to do those things with.”
Wooyoung picked his head up slowly. San still didn’t feel the same way about him. But did that matter if he thought he was attractive? Wooyoung blushed. He met San’s eyes. They were sexy as they’d ever been, so alluring. It may be foolish but he just had to. “Alright then. Let’s do this,” he said. Foolish indulgence.
San laughed, “You’re making it sound like a mission. What is this? An action movie?”
Wooyoung rolled his eyes. “You won’t be getting any action if you keep laughing at me.”
“Ahhh I see what you did there!”
Wooyoung giggled, “Just shut up and kiss me.”
San smiled, leaning in slowly, pulling him in close again, and did just that. They kissed playfully, not deepening it but still changing the speed and feel as their lips met again and again. San led him to the bed carefully, somewhat awkwardly, without breaking them apart. When they reached it Wooyoung pulled away, releasing himself from San’s hold, and crawled up the bed.
When he turned around, San was staring at him with a helpless look in his eyes. Wooyoung’s arousal grew as San’s eyes ravished him. He’d never thought his best friend would look at him like this.
Snapping out of his reverie, San crawled to join Wooyoung on the bed. Something about it was so predatory, more so when he got to him and Wooyoung had to lean back to avoid them colliding until he was flat on his back. San hovered above him with arms at either side, resting on his forearms. Somehow he was keeping himself up, not making contact with Wooyoung at all.
Wooyoung needed to feel him. He gripped his hands on his torso and tugged him down. Wooyoung could still hardly believe just how well their bodies fit together and it was even more perfect lying down like this. He let out a happy sigh which quickly turned into a surprised moan when San’s lips met his neck.
San worked up and down his neck and then tugged at Wooyoung’s sweater to expose his collarbone, where he nipped gently a few times before coming up to look at him. Wooyoung’s eyes were lidded now, almost shut, and his lips were a little pinker from kissing. So attractive.
San sat up and moved down a little. He lifted the end of Wooyoung’s sweater and Wooyoung lifted his hips, helping San to slide it up. San stopped short at Wooyoung’s belly button. Now faced with his best friend’s lower half, though he still had his underwear on, it was a little too much to handle. He had zero experience with men after all.
“Umm…” San frowned.
Wooyoung sat up a bit, leaning on his elbows. “You okay?”
“I really don’t know what I’m doing…”
Wooyoung understood. “It’s okay. We don’t have to go all the way.”
San sat back on his heels and sighed, his hands dropping to his bent knees. “But even then I don’t know what to do.” His eyes widened. “Oh no, I’m ruining the mood. I’m sorry.”
Wooyoung felt a small sense of pride knowing that San only did this with him, only showed his insecurity when he was with him. “No, no. Stop worrying.” He sat up properly and reached for San’s hands, grasping them firmly. “Don’t think too much. Just go with what feels good.”
San looked at him sceptically so he added, “I’ll lead you if I need to, so don’t worry.”
“Thank you, Wooyoung.” San relaxed a little.
Wooyoung smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put a hand in San’s hair and caressed softly. San slowly got back into it, sighing into the kiss and moving closer to him. Wooyoung took one of San’s hands and put it on his thigh. When he slid it upwards and squeezed Wooyoung pulled away and, in the steadiest voice he could muster, said, “Undress me.”
San just stared at him for a few moments. But then he quickly nodded. Wooyoung raised his arms as his sweater was pulled off and he felt a little shy with how San was looking at him now. They had seen each other shirtless before but it was only a handful of times and never in this context. Wooyoung was surprised when San didn’t hesitate to pull off his underwear too straight away. Feeling exposed in comparison to San he said, “You too.”
He undressed San slowly, marveling at every part of him he got to see up close. San didn’t seem to mind any of this despite being a little unsure earlier. That made Wooyoung happy. He placed a kiss on San’s collar bone when he’d finished undressing him.
San wrapped Wooyoung in his arms and just held him close for a while, stroking his back. “Your skin is soft.” He said.
Wooyoung smiled into the crook of his neck. When Wooyoung sat up and faced him, San kissed him gently and then hard, taking his breath away. Wooyoung held onto his shoulders as San kissed him down to the bed.
It turned out that San didn’t have any reason to worry. The whole thing felt amazing. They just slid against each other and went with the heated flow between them until they came undone.
San rolled off Wooyoung. “Wow,” he said, panting.
“Yeah” Wooyoung agreed.
***
After they’d cleaned up and put their clothes back on, really ready for bed this time, San said, “Sleep in my bed.”
Wooyoung froze. “You sure?”
“Yes. I mean we’ve done it before.”
“We were drunk all those times.” Wooyoung laughed. “We always get out a spare mattress when we’re sober.”
“Yeah, well…” San got under his covers. “Does it matter?”
“I don’t know. Does it?”
San patted the spot beside him. “I don’t think so. I want you here.”
Wooyoung considered it for a moment and then slid in beside San, laying on his back. San immediately threw a leg and an arm over him and tucked his head into his shoulder. Wooyoung grinned, “I know you’re super touchy but I didn’t peg you for the ‘afterglow cuddles’ type.”
“Shut up.” San’s voice was muffled. “I like all cuddles.”
Wooyoung brought an arm around him, saying nothing. And that’s how they fell asleep.
*****
After their first sexual encounter, San did his research. He didn’t want to feel so clueless with Wooyoung again. He needed to be good for him.
He tried porn but he quickly felt uncomfortable with how contrived and forced it looked. What happened in the videos didn’t seem like it felt like what he’d experienced with Wooyoung - and they hadn’t even done as much. He was about to exit the whole thing when a video thumbnail caught his eye. He hesitated for a moment and then clicked on it.
The boys in this video were different from the others. This looked and felt real. This looked like what San was looking for. The video was long but San watched every minute attentively, soaking in everything that happened, learning techniques, stages of preparation, and positions. He felt himself getting aroused imagining Wooyoung and himself doing these things but he steeled himself and ignored it – that wasn’t the point of this.
After the video ended he scrolled to the comments to see what people had to say.
‘That’s not fucking. I’m not here for this.’
‘LOVED EVERY MINUTE!’
‘didn’t think I’d ever say this for porn but UWU’
‘This is what I love to see! You can just see they actually care for each other. It’s heartwarming and so sexy.’
‘Nahh this is stupid. If I had a bottom looking like that under me I’d-
San’s eyes grew wide as he finished reading that comment and he quickly exited the page. Enough of that. Now he knew more and he knew what to type into the search bar. He read article after article and even looked over a few diagrams until he was sure he knew what to do to please Wooyoung.
*****
The next time they were alone it was at Wooyoung’s apartment. San had come over for dinner, but he wanted to devour more than just the food tonight.
After they’d eaten and washed up he dragged Wooyoung to the bedroom and wasted no time in dropping to his knees before him. He was eager to put his newfound knowledge to use.
“What are you doing?” Wooyoung stared down at him with the most shocked expression San had ever seen on him.
He smiled and gripped Wooyoung’s hips. “I want to make you feel good,” he said.
Before Wooyoung could respond he stood up and kissed him. Then he looked him in the eye. “Please, let me make you feel good.”
San had that determined look in his eyes he only had when his mind was set on something. Wooyoung smiled at him softly. “Okay, San.”
***
Wooyoung was panting heavily, his head still thrown back on his pillow. “I can’t believe you just gave me a blowjob and a rimjob.”
San grinned devilishly, “And I can’t believe your voice can go higher than it already is.”
Wooyoung flailed his arm to smack him. San just laughed.
“Just give me a minute – I’ll get you back. We’ll see what you do when I have you at my mercy.”
“Oooh, I’m so scared.” San mocked.
He really shouldn’t have mocked him because Wooyoung let him have it. He actually got San to beg him, saying the most embarrassing things to get Wooyoung to take him over the edge into euphoria. His best friend wasn’t entirely a soft angel after all.
*****
Time soon became a whirlwind between them. San couldn’t keep his hands off Wooyoung. He wasn’t ready to go all the way and have sex but he did just about everything else eagerly. They usually waited to be alone but San couldn’t take just that anymore.
He gave Wooyoung a blowjob in the bathroom of a restaurant.
He fingered him in the cubicle of a train.
He even spread Wooyoung’s legs to eat him out on the couch of a friend’s house when everyone else was asleep, passed out from a wild night (Wooyoung had protested a little that time but easily gave in, unable to resist his own lust).
Their escapades, however daring, always felt safe – perhaps because it was the two of them. Everything that happened felt so natural. It was easy to forget that the whole arrangement was a little strange… And it couldn’t go on forever. Or rather, it was easy for San to forget.
Wooyoung had been waiting for something, anything, more. At first, he’d helped San explore his sexuality out of what he knew was greed for him, to take anything San would give. Then Wooyoung became hopeful of sparking something in him – something that maybe wanted Wooyoung more than just sexually… if he could.
He knew it was desperate the moment it all started but after experiencing the way San held him close, the way he looked at him… It made him have real hope. Wooyoung didn’t know it himself, but his patience for their meaningless sexual exploration had reached its end.
*****
One afternoon, they were in San’s apartment alone and kissing heatedly on his bed. His eyes shut, Wooyoung felt San beginning to unbutton his shirt and he reached to stop him gently.
San ceased his movements and pulled away. When Wooyoung opened his eyes they immediately met San’s.
Those eyes were questioning and Wooyoung realised at that moment, looking into his best friend’s eyes, that he needed to address what was going on between them. It wasn’t okay for them to continue like this… for him to continue like this.
Wooyoung opened his mouth and almost blurted ‘I love you’, But he quickly shut his mouth and broke eye-contact. He figures his feelings could be obvious by now anyway and he thinks he can feel something from San too, but something holds him back.
So instead he asks, “What are we, San?”
“Best Friends.”
Wooyoung frowned. “Friends don’t do what we do… They don’t-”
San sighed loudly, interrupting him. “I thought we agreed this wouldn’t change our friendship.”
Wooyoung met his eyes again, imploring him to say something else. San shrugged and looked away. “We’re just having fun.”
“Yeah, that’s right,” Wooyoung said bitterly at San’s indifference. “I can’t do this anymore,” he told San in a small voice. He stood up from the bed with an ache forming in his chest.
“Wait-” San stood and caught his arm as he started walking away. Wooyoung turned to face him as he yanked it out of his grasp.
“Find someone else to play around with. I’m sorry but I can’t be a toy for you anymore,” the words were biting but tired.
San was taken aback. “What?? You’re not-”
“You’re sure making me feel like it.” San watched as Wooyoung shut his eyes and took a breath. When he spoke again it was gentle, but his question was loaded and his eyes burned with an intensity that scared San. “Don’t you feel anything when we’re together?”
San clenched his jaw. “Wooyoung, just because you’re gay you can’t expect any straight guy who touches you to magically fall in love with you.” Even as he said it, he knew it was too far.
He watched, almost as if in slow motion, as Wooyoung’s beautiful eyes grew wide and filled with hurt. This time, when he walked away, San let him go. He sunk to his bed and covered his face with his hands, ashamed.