Chapter Text
清水の舞台から飛び降りる
I like to think it all started the day I first saw you, unknowing of what would come. I’d been counting down the days for that trip to Japan just to see first hand the festival of Toro Nagashi, the floating lanterns. I've always loved how the light shines dazzlingly in the dark, oftentimes wondering if I could shine as bright, if dark could come to me for once, as weird as it might sound, I wanted it.
When we graduated from high school, my friends and I worked hard to get money for us to spend a whole month in Japan, some of them took jobs in cafeterias and restaurants but I sang on the streets where people would pass by and leave a few coins on the floor. That trip was how adulthood started for me. I thought it would be like living in a new world where my father couldn't protect me and I could finally do whatever I wanted... it wasn't quite like it.
But my first day in Japan was otherworldly as I anticipated.
It was August 16th, 2021, Katsura River. The festival starts when the sun hides between the mountains and the sky gets colored in red and orange, my lantern was lit and prepared to flow on the water. I stood alone at the river’s edge while waiting for the tour guide and my eyes got lost in the darkness of the water but my gloomy mind became elated at the call of your voice when you whispered to my ear.
"Who's your wish for?"
Mindlessly I replied "My mom," so you nodded and smiled brightly. Never had I seen a smile like yours in a night like that one. "How about yours?"
I guess it was because I mumbled when I asked, maybe my voice was too low, maybe the voices of the people talking in the back were too loud for you to hear me, that's why you never replied but instead took my hands between yours lowering them together to leave my lantern on the river so it could float away, your shoes touched the water —I still wonder how wet they got and why you didn’t complain about my cold hands. My mind was gone since then, although I didn't even know you.
"Any wrong movement could burn it, you don't want to lose your wish like that" then the corners of your mouth lifted slowly revealing the small craters on your cheek, your dimpled smile, one of my favorite things about you… I still remember being utterly captivated, not because of how you beautifully stood under the candlelight but because you raised your hand and said bye to a lantern with a candid smile. I thought you were like a kid, sending off unanimated things as if they were alive.
All night you remained by my side watching the candles go away, flickering flames over calm water, I like to think that every lantern takes the same path as the person we wish for, some go alone leading the way for the ones that rather go cramped together, some start first but slow down their pace and others get stuck in the way, some standout, like that blue one in the middle and for some, it must be comfortable being surrounded by others of the same kind, even so, each one is the bearer of a different wish, name, and heart.
We walked until our feet stood on the Togetsu bridge for you still wanted to see the lanterns floating and shining, I was glad to be with you that night, however, you asked a lot of things, I was eager to know about you but you kept asking about me. I told my name, my age, and my whole life to a man I met by chance in Japan. On the bridge looking at the moon exactly over us, I knew I had to go even if I wanted to stay and you noticed.
You always noticed.
"Choi Soobin, 2000, glad to meet you" I took the hand you extended to me, and when they separated you started walking away through the long and dark bridge until I couldn't hear your footsteps anymore.
I told you everything about me and that was more than enough for you, yet to only know your name and age left me wanting more. My mom used to say I could get far in life if I was never satisfied with what I had, that thought often led me to feel more empty than fulfilled by my accomplishments, and somehow the same thought got me a chance to meet you again.
"Let's meet again, tomorrow —here, at 4 pm!" I remember I busted a lung just to see you once more. There was no answer back then and you never turned around to see me.
Though my mind was sure you wouldn’t show up, the next day I held my heart tightly in my hands and went back. My mind would say don’t keep walking with every step I took but my heart wanted to run there as quickly as possible, full of hope. And maybe I wasn’t holding my heart strong enough because when I saw you standing near the parapet dressed in a long beige coat over a turtleneck, then you didn’t know but my heart wasn’t mine anymore. My heart was yours .
"Let me be your guide"
Of course, I would say yes and end up in a marvelous place. You took me to Kiyomizu saying that you wanted to show me the beauty of Kyoto from a place near the sky. We walked through one of the slopes that leads to the temple, on a beautifully stoned path and I noticed the old people saying hi to you, everyone knew your name, and everyone looked at me with slight discomfort, had you been here with someone else? I wondered many times.
Standing on a wooden stage 13 meters above the hillside, leaves painted in the autumn colors running all the way till the farthest mountain and decorating the city in shades of red and brown, it fascinated me yet you said that I should come back in December when the red shines brighter. Was it an invitation? now I doubt it.
I sat on the veranda with you by my side, you were smiling brightly at the view of Kyoto and I had sparkly eyes at the sight of you.
"It is beautiful," you laughed. You are beautiful, I thought, moreover I never told you that, wasn't it too soon?
When I was a kid my sister would watch romantic movies and in those moments I used to think that the dialogs where too cheesy to be true; yet that sunset, while the sun went down, the golden light was hitting your face, your dark brown hair became caramel and your eyes became honey, then I knew I had lost once more and what used to be cheesy became my truth.
"How long will you stay?"
"For a month" I was probably wishing to stay longer now that I had met you.
“Let me grant you another wish while you are here”
The Otowa Waterfall was our next destination, your hand was over my wrist while you walked me down the stone stairs, and during that moment, the only thing I could ask for was your hand in mine.
"Is this place a wish granter?"
"You could say so" three streams of water falling from the stone roof "academic success, love and longevity, you have to choose only one for it to work"
My mind was running all over the place, I knew I didn't need the first one and I didn't care about how long life would be so with the cup in my hand, I chose love while thinking of you; hyung, why did you choose longevity? I always forgot to ask.
As the days passed, more times than not, my friends would ask me where I was going, but soon they stopped caring and kept the flow of the others. Sometimes it would feel empty, like I didn't belong with them, and if I can be honest, it never really felt like I belonged somewhere because I could never be completely myself with anyone, always showing a different me to different people, always pulling off a mask and putting on another.
For the longest time, I hated people who tried hard to belong, my whole life I did my best to stand out of the crowd. Until I saw you, then was the only time ever in my life that I wanted so badly to belong somewhere with someone. I wanted to belong with Choi Soobin in Japan. I wanted to belong between glowing lanterns and in your arms. That feeling haunted me until three in the morning when I finally fell asleep. I dreamt of you.
I was so desperate to call your attention and see you again that I asked you to dye my hair red —thank God, I remembered to ask for your number—, in my dream you threw yourself over the fallen red maple leaves but instead fell in my arms, that’s one of the few dreams that still lingers in my mind and I treasure it even after all this time.
Hours later I walked to your house since it was near the slopes of Kiyomizu where we often walked around; when I set foot in your house, a boy was sitting on the floor and smiled at me, honestly, I don’t remember what we talked about while waiting for you, I guess the only memory I have from the guy involves you, it is you back hugging him, crossing your arms around his chest.
It must feel nice to be hugged by Soobin-hyung like that , I thought while watching from the side.
It's still unknown to me how I got so attached to you, and why I would feel jealous of someone I barely knew. How I liked the touch of your fingers running through my wet red hair and why you trusted me to dye yours purple.
I love how every color is your color.
The Bamboo path remains as my favorite day, after all it was the day I told you I liked you, you looked at me with shiny eyes and patted my head while hugging me.
"Thank you"
"Do you not like me back?" maybe I was too straightforward and I was asking too much, my mind couldn’t collect itself for a split second just to then feel how you slowly got near my face and placed your lips on my forehead.
Butterflies are not enough to describe how I felt for a man I hardly knew. Silly giggles coming out of my mouth every time you squished my hand whilst we walked between towering bamboos and a wooden path. You would laugh and call me cute every chance you had, with your half-moon eyes and heart-shaped lips, why did you cover your smile every time you laughed? when I cherished every corner of your smile with my soul.
Undoubtedly I was myself the most when you were around, you never judged me for being . When I would walk to you from behind and lock arms you would look at me and say "Wow, Hyunnie, you are cute like this!"
You liked my childish side and the way I giggled for you, that part any of my friends roughly knew about —the ones who left me behind and continued their trip... I don't blame them, not even I knew what would happen, not even I knew I'd get lost like that.
Holding hands became my favorite thing to do when one of those days in your living room while we watched TV and you were sitting on the floor —because you thought it was more comfortable— I slid my hand over yours and you didn't say a word, instead locked our fingers, my small hand holding yours, a spark of hope lit up inside of me every time you did those things, how you would look at me in the eyes and I would avert my gaze away because I was shy.
Like that day you wanted us to draw on each other’s faces and I told you "Don't look at me" because I might fall harder for you.
"Fine" even though you closed your eyes for a moment you opened them again to distract me, smirking at how I was avoiding you while drawing on your nose.
How annoying you were, and how much I loved your hands in my waist, running through my clothes until cupping my face, how much I loved your soft lips over mine and your hand running through my hair, I didn't know what to do so I held tight to the pink paint bottle and the brush in my hands while your lips moved over mine.
I told you my dreams, each one of them, of building a house far away in the woods because that's what my mother wanted, of becoming a singer since that's what made me feel alive; remember when I sang to you? You cried that day and hugged me from the waist —cause you said you liked holding me from there, while I petted your hair. Even if I didn't want your pretty eyes to shed tears for me, I enjoyed being there with you.
All my songs will be for you, Soobin-hyung, I promised to myself.
You mocked my ever red feet and hands, every day when you held my hand and every night when we went to sleep with our looped legs but you would want to keep them warm by staying by my side. You mocked my height every time I had to tiptoe to kiss your cheek and you would end up hunching for me to reach your face, despite you knowing well that I wasn't that short, you were just too tall.
I liked hugging you out of nowhere while walking down the streets of Japan, at nights when the wind blew on your face and you held my hand inside your coat's pocket while brushing with the other one the hair off of your sight, I liked being beside you.
I liked you so much.
I was unmeasurably happy those days, a month or so passed since I got to know you and today I realize how gone I was. Hyung, you never knew that I ditched my chance to study classical music abroad for you.
For letting me sleep in your house when I felt like not seeing anyone, thank you, because I only wanted to see you. Maybe I enjoyed laying in your bed and waking up the next morning with you by my side. I liked it when you stroked my hair and stared at me in the eyes, your eyes… I should never forget your eyes.
And I am sorry for that one night in your house, my heart was excited while walking around barefoot on a wooden floor and between traditional mats and curtains of decorated paper. I am sorry because while you weren’t at home I opened that journal you always carried around… and my heart vanished as I passed through the pages, for you used to have millions of polaroids inside of it, some of you, some of a blue-haired boy, some of both. Then I knew why you went to the Katsura river the night we met, with a homemade blue lantern for which you wrote no name.
You don't know but I cried the whole night.
Before you there was a boy I was going out with, he was so different from you —a contradiction himself, he had sharp features but puppy eyes, deep voice yet sweet words always came out of it, strong presence but he wrote beautiful poems that he’d recite for me at nights. I couldn't understand him, whenever I confronted him about it, he used to say "Taehyun, I love you— but you can’t seem to love me back" in a sweet and understanding voice, even though he knew it, he stayed with me for a long time and I was not bold enough to tell him to go so I remained silent every time that happened. But maybe he wasn't so different from you, maybe the way I felt about you was the difference.
Truth be told, I didn't know love until you came.
Japan and you.
"You are my only wish, so please fall for me, Choi Soobin" you didn't know why I said that with tears falling from my eyes and a raspy voice but you still answered.
"Hyunnie, I can't—" I ran out, like the coward I am, I didn't let you finish, I should've.
I would always choose you and it hurt me to think that I wasn’t a choice you made but rather an escape from your past, maybe you were still choosing him.
I regret the night I walked around the lonely streets of the town with a wandering mind. I’m sorry for causing you all that pain. I’m sorry because I didn’t know what I was doing. I just remember going back to you the next day, with red eyes and pale skin you received me, did you even sleep? I told you I was leaving that night and instead of talking out what happened you let me leave with a letter in my hands. That damn letter.
“Read it when you get to Korea” was the last thing you said to me.
Soobin-hyung, you were my first real love. I am glad it was you. My head often spins around those days thinking of what I could've done differently, of what words I should've said to make you feel like I was worthy of being loved back. For the time we spent together was like a typhoon, you don’t know how long it will last, how much the impact will be and you can’t seem to avoid it, it just happens when the right conditions are met. We were ships in the night, a bad night... our ships not only would pass beside each other and never meet again, they were floating on a forked river but the channel you were flowing on could never get to the sea.
Shall I start with what’s been of me after us, hyung?
Foremost, I became a singer just like I told you I wanted to be, and just like I promised, I’ve written many songs for you and sang each of them feeling like my heart might go out of my throat. I got all the love just like the water I drank that day promised, I got all the love I wanted but yours. I don’t think I’ll be going there again, Otowa Waterfall could only fulfill half of my dream yet it failed with yours.
Soobin-hyung, you were the exception to everything and it breaks my heart because none of those exceptions worked in your favor.
I read the letter when the airplane was above Korean land, I couldn't wait anymore. The stewardesses couldn’t take their eyes off of me, I bet they’ve never seen someone cry as hard as I did because your letter contained everything I always wished to know and never dared to ask, because I shouldn’t have left even if that was what you wanted, because —just maybe, you’d still be here.
The news was playing on the airport when I landed in Korea, red eyes still holding tears is how my sister first saw me, I let my weight fall over her as the news reporter started to speak:
Man jumps off the stage of Kiyomizu and dies. Authorities claim that the man hid inside the 13 meters tall building until midnight, his heart stopped while falling and his body rolled down the hill where he was found this morning.
I was not strong enough to go back and mourn your body, I received ten calls from your number that night, latter I knew it was one of your friends but I was drowning in my tears.
Soobin-hyung, I should’ve read the letter sooner, I should’ve stayed with you, I should’ve known. I’m sorry because it took me four years and my soul to come back to your house.
Yesterday, here inside your room I dreamt of you, I don't want to count the nights that I've been missing you because I feel like a hypocrite, your face's been slowly fading away from my mind. I tried my best to keep your image intact but I couldn't, I can only remember your lips, your nose, your hands and your words, I am afraid you are slowly fading out of my mind. Is that good or bad?
Today I am here again, I stand here in front of the Katsura river and hold a purple lantern in my hands, I wrote your name on it.
Choi Soobin.
Soobin-hyung, I wished my every day in Japan that you would jump off the stage of Kiyomizu, leave everything behind and love me, I wished to be the only one in your mind. Every wish I’ve ever wished since I met you was for you, even before your heart stopped beating and your body turned cold. Every wish of mine’s still for you.
After you were gone and I got the chance to showcase my singing in front of a big crowd, even with my aching heart and blurry eyes I sang the song I sang to you, they said I was perfect. I didn't feel like it because I kept thinking of you. There I knew what it was to be in shining in the dark. I shone brightly for them but inside of me, I felt darkness, and emptiness.
I didn't want to address this letter, because there is no one to address it to, and I am crying while writing this because you won't know how grateful I was for you, how in love I was with you.
I decided to write this inside of your journal where on the last page you only transcribed The Snowman’s lyrics. I noticed you started scribbling with purple tint a few days after we met, after months of writing with blue, so let me finish your book with red.
Choi Soobin, the man of the warm smile and deep dimples, of the honey voice and the autumn colors.
Choi Soobin, you are still my only wish.
And today I let your candle go.