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Yuzuru loves his wings. Ever since they were but tiny membranes on his back and until now, when they are fully grown and beautiful.
He loves the way they shine when they catch sunlight just right, the way they flutter when he is excited. He even loves when they’re down and dull, because that is just how he feels.
He truly, entirely adores his wings.
There is just one tiny problem with them. They are what the books call ‘sensitive wings’, not because they are sensitive to the touch- which they are, extremely, but that’s besides the point. This type of wings are called ‘sensitive’ because they project everything their fae is feeling.
Anger, joy, sadness, tiredness, love. All of it.
And Yuzuru has had more than one interesting situation when his wings misbehave. Over the years, he has collected tons of these situations, but there are five that will always be at the top.
Yeah, sometimes he hates his wings.
1.The locker room embarrassment
Yuzuru has just finished his session, sweat dripping down his face and drenching his tight training clothes. He reaches behind, to the soft straps that keep his wings in place when he is training and pulls, the shiny and translucent extremities fluttering and moving around. He lets out a sigh of relief and turns to look at them.
They are a gradient from ultramarine blue to white, dusted with blue and white sparkles. Well, yes, he was quite focused on the session, so that is no surprise.
He waves goodbye to Brian and goes to the skates changing room. It wasn’t something he had in Japan, but he pretty much cannot live without now. Who knew it was this comfortable to put on your skates right next to the ice, and take them off just as you’re leaving?
Gathering everything in his suitcase, he makes his way to the locker room. He doesn’t usually change in club, too much of hassle with his wings fluttering and people having to avoid them. But he knows there’s just a couple of skaters left in the club, and one of them is Javi, so no problem there.
He opens the door and walks in, gently putting his skates on the bench next to the locker and humming a song that’s been stuck in his head for a few days. He hears some whistling from the other side of the room where the showers are, and he turns.
Shit.
“Uh… Yuzu?” Javi says. A very naked, only covered with a tiny towel and dripping wet Javi says. “Your uh- your wings are doing it again.”
Yuzuru just gapes at him. What is this kind of heavenly torture? Is this what he misses when he goes home without changing first? And why on Earth does he do that?
Then Javi’s words register. His wings are doing what, exactly? He turns his head over his shoulder and shrieks, face burning and turning a fiery red when he sees the bright lavender shining off of his wings.
This is not happening. This cannot be happening. Not now.
Okay, yes. He has felt like this before, it’s nothing new. Javi and he have been training together for almost three years now and, if he is being completely honest, Javier Fernandez is one of the most handsome men he has ever met. So yes, he maybe wants to get on his knees and beg to suck his cock the days he walks in wearing those blasted jeans of his. And yes, his wings turn a bright purple everytime he pleasures himself to thoughts of his training mate and friend.
But no, he never wanted Javi to know. Because of course, Javi made it his mission to discover every meaning behind the colors and patterns on Yuzu’s whimsical wings. And a very drunk Yuzuru had confessed the purple meant he is horny or desires someone. Amongst other equally embarrassing confessions.
Needless to say, he doesn’t drink around anyone anymore.
So he gathers his things, quickly apologizing to Javi without facing him and bolts out of the door and into the parking lot where his mother is waiting. By the time he makes it, his wings are a horrible pattern of red, yellow, denim blue and black and white cow print.
“What has made you so embarrassed, Yuzuru?” his mother asks.
Yuzuru groans.
He is never living this one down.
***
2.The unexpected ice show rehearsal
Yuzuru loves ice shows. And why wouldn’t he? There’s no pressure, no judges, no scores. He just gets to dance and prance around the ice. Twirling, spinning and jumping however he wants to because all the fans want is a good time.
Everything about shows is fun. The cities, the venues, the fans, the staff, the artists and, of course, the skaters.
He loves messing around when they have a little time off during rehearsals, playing around with his team Japan friends or asking a pairs skaters to lift him.
Currently, he is being chased by Ondrej, who eventually catches up to him and picks him up, lifting him well over his head. Yuzuru laughs, bright and a little ridiculous and looks to his side, where Javi and Alex are also laughing along with other skaters. Ondrej eventually puts him down, and when Yuzuru turns to look at Javi and call him, he hears Ondrej gasp.
He turns again to face him, head tilted a little to the side, truly confused with the awestruck expression on the Italian’s face.
“What?” he whines, pouting.
“Your wings…” Ondrej whispers. “They’re- wow, they’re beautiful.”
Yuzuru looks over his shoulder to see his wings and a soft smile makes its way to his face. Johnny had asked him to leave them unstrapped, telling him he looked ethereal when he skated with his wings out. Of course, his wings had turned a shiny shade of soft pink, sparkling with pink, orange and green miniscule dots.
Now, though, his wings had turned an ever more familiar white, sparkling like they were covered with diamonds. He had been very confused the first time this new pattern appeared, but his mother had been overjoyed when she was explaining it to him.
“Ah…” he says after a while, turning to smile at Ondrej. “Thank you. They do this sometimes.”
“Well, now I know why Johnny insisted you leave them unstrapped.” Ondrej says, smiling and waving at him as he skates away.
Yuzuru sighs. It is not ideal for his wings to be turning out in the open when there are so many people around, but he can’t help it. He looks at them one more time, before turning to look for Javi. He finds him sitting next to Alex, his shoulders slumped and a small smile on his face.
Yuzuru gasps and skates to him, wings fluttering as they turn from pure, sparkly white to a mix of white, black and purple as he gets closer to him.
***
3.My misery is out for everyone to see
It is hard. So hard and painful to smile, to keep a straight face, to blink away the tears fast enough so no one will see them.
It has been a season of hot and cold: silver in Canada, as usual. Gold in Japan, gold in Barcelona. Then being forced to withdraw from Nationals and now this.
Others would be happy with any medal at Worlds, but not him. And not like this, not like last year. Not on the second step of the podium, looking up at his smile when his flag rises as his national anthem plays.
It hurts somewhere deep inside of him, an explosive cocktail of negative emotions ready to combust, carefully kept hidden by sheer will power. He bows to the photographers as he exits the ice, carefully making his way to the changing room in the arena so he can take off his sweaty costume and change into his team Japan pants and jacket.
He should have known the higher powers would test him, but he is still surprised when he walks in the room and finds Javi there, talking to someone on the phone and smiling, he tries to get past him without been noticed and succeeds.
But of course he does, Javi hasn’t noticed him for a while now. He has become more and more distant since the beginning of the season, for some reason Yuzuru doesn’t know.
Was it to focus on his skating? Maybe, but he still treated everyone else the same.
Was it because he wanted to defend his world title? That seems more plausible, but it still makes his heart throb in pain.
Then Javi turns, smiling at him like he hasn’t since last summer, soft and encouraging. And a hint of pity Yuzuru hates. He straightens up, posture perfect and shoulders square, and holds out a hand for Javi to shake. He looks taken aback, but takes the hand anyway.
“Congratulations.” Yuzuru tells him and the words taste like acid on his tongue, burning and painful.
“Thank you.” comes Javi’s answer, tight and short.
He nods and leaves and Yuzuru starts taking off his costume. His wings flutter as he unstraps them, and they feel just as heavy as he does. Silent tears are making their way down his face and he gasps when he looks in the mirror.
He has never seen his wings in this solid pattern alone before. He has seen these colors mixed with dark shades of blue and white, the memory alone making him flinch.
But this mix of pastel greens and turquoise, shining like they are covered with thousands of crystals… it speaks of a very different kind of pain. A very particular and specific kind of pain, one he has never felt before.
The last thing he sees before heading to the press conference, is Javi’s awestruck expression when he sees the new message his wings send.
And it’s a great thing he had never told anyone what his wings look like when his heart breaks.
***
4.Reaching the breaking point
Two months, two weeks. It has been two months since his injury and two weeks since he was allowed to go back to training. A very mild kind of training that is more frustrating than anything.
He almost cried the first day he came back and stepped on the ice, though he was only allowed soft stroking exercises. It was great for the first ten minutes, but it became frustrating when other skaters around him were practicing jumps and he was stuck with his feet glued to the ice, Brian glaring at him every time he tried to even hop.
Eventually he was allowed to go back to jumping, but only doubles. Which is why he is now lying on the ice, face pinched in pain and frustration and, in a very unusual move for him, he slams his fist on the ice.
A hand is held out before his face and he looks up to find Javi there, encouraging smile on his face. Whatever had made him distant last season was now gone, and he was back to his old friendly and caring self. Under normal circumstances, Yuzuru would have accepted the hand, pout and stomp his foot because his jumps are not being friendly.
But not today, not when he is stuck trying to land a double Axel and he can’t, not when he cannot do a full runthrough without excruciating pain pulsing in his foot. Not when Javi is jumping beautiful quads and practicing his programs almost perfectly.
He slaps the hand offered and gets up on his own, making an effort not to turn so he won’t have to see Javi’s face. Tracy and Brian look so confused where they are standing by the ice and he walks past them to the skate changing room. He doesn’t think he has ever untied his boots so fast, or put them away without drying them properly. His wings are pulsing where they are strapped to his back and he hisses, dropping the suitcase again and taking off his training shirt to let them loose.
He doesn’t need to look to know what they look like. An angry shade of red with sparkly black veins. He takes a couple of deep breaths, trying to dissipate the feeling. Then he hears a gasp behind him and he turns, knowing exactly who had just entered the room.
He looks fascinated and concerned and Yuzuru wants to scream and run, but he can’t.
“Yuzu, are you-?” he starts.
“I’m fine.” Yuzuru cuts him. He finishes putting on his jacket and zips it, taking his suitcase again and walking to the door. “Have a great practice.”
And he is gone. He walks to the exit as fast as he can without hurting his ankle, heart beating furiously in his chest, breathing a little labored.
Anger. Hot and pulsing, it clouds his mind. He is angry at his damned ankle for not healing faster, angry at his coaches though he knows they are right, angry at every news outlet that questions his capability. He is angry that his biggest rival is doing better than he is.
Most of all, he is angry at being angry.
Most of all, his wings are red and black for the anger he feels for himself.
5.The truth untold
After the media circus upon his arrival in South Korea, Yuzuru doesn't really get a moment to rest. There's press to done, physiotherapy to take care of, he needs to fight off the jet lag... So when the time comes for his first practice session, he is not in the best condition.
Was he ever, after NHK? But he pushes through, like he does everyday lately. He can hear the whispers and comments of the reporters, worried about his condition. Hah. They're just worried they won't get the story they came for.
It's the 16th of February, 2018. For some reason, all the figure skating events are relatively early in the morning. Someone said something about American prime time. Makes sense, since they have all their hopes set on Nathan Chen winning this. He grinds his teeth. He walks around, aggressively mouthing lyrics like he usually does, ignoring the world around him. He needs to focus on anything other than his ankle. He skates in the last group, of course, which only means he has more time to let the thoughts that have been with him for months plague him.
Will he be good enough?
Can he do it? Can he perform like he wants to?
It's his turn and, as if magic, all his worries disappear. He stands by the boards, shakes Brian's hand, squats, and pushes off. He checks himself, going through his rituals like he always would. He takes his starting position and, the moment the first chords of Chopin's Ballade ring through the arena, everything else fades away.
Until his it is time for his first jump, the quad Salchow, and the sharp pain shooting from his ankle through his leg brings him back to reality. It's nothing new, he has done this before, has been doing this for weeks now. So he grinds his teeth, pushes through the program and skates like he knows only he can.
It isn't until he is away from cameras and press and he falls on a bench, wheezing because the painkillers are wearing off. He tries to control his breathing, using techniques he is too familiar with. On his back, his wings are almost burning, and it makes him blink back the tears gathering in his eyes. He knows what he will see once he takes off his costume and the straps holding his wings in place. An all too familiar patter of white, red and black, beautifully lined with golden vines. He wants to cry and scream and punch a wall.
Kikuchi-san is there, ready to help him take the sweaty clothes off. He closes his eyes, refusing to look at his wings when they are freed, refusing to let any tears fall. He can do this, he has to do this.
"Yuzu..." a sweet, familiar voice calls him. The whimper he lets out is pathetic. "You were amazing..."
He stands, nodding to Kikuchi-san and taking the jacket he offers. He puts it on, still avoiding to look at his wings. He avoids looking at Javi too, because he feels enough pain as it is, he doesn't need the emotional one, too.
***
+1.
It's crying and crying and crying and, if anyone asks him a few days from today, he will blame it on the painkillers. Blatant lie, of course, but he knows they will believe anything the once again Olympic champion will tell them. If crying after his free wasn't enough, then Javi went and did beautifully, securing that medal he so wanted. And cue more tears. But nothing could have prepared him for the words that Javi says next.
Being in Javi's arms is all too familiar now, and the whole world can see just how happy he is, wings out and sparkling that beautiful pink they turn when he is happy. Shoma seemed a bit surprised to be included, but Javi is smiling and who cares what the rest of the-
"This will be my last Olympics. I'm honored to have competed with you" come Javi's words. Yuzuru holds his breath. "I'm retiring."
His heart stops in his chest, wings turning that familiar turquoise and green, sparkling like the tears running down his face.
"No, no, I can't" and he's choking with his sobs, desperately trying to convey everything he feels. "I can't do it without you."
He cries, head buried in Javi's shoulder, shaking him like his whole body quivers. It hurts, hurts, hurts. More than his ankle, more than anything ever has. It hurts worse than Boston, and that's saying something. Javi seems to finally register the change in his wings, and he can hear the gulping. He raises his head to wipe off his tears, fanning at his eyes with his hands to dry them.
"You're so bad!" he squeals, trying to hold back anymore sobs because the cry fest needs to end now. "You can't be retiring... not after this..."
"It's time, Yuzu..." he says, voice so soft, barely a whisper. "I can't go for another Olympic cycle, my body and my mind cannot take it."
He cries harder, knowing that what Javi says is true. He had mentioned it before but Yuzuru, believing Javi is all kinds of invincible, had just brushed it off.
"You can't leave..." he finally gets out, and he feels a little stupid because this is neither the time nor the place, with the hold world watching. "You can't leave me..."
"Yuzu..." he says, ending with a sigh that makes him feel like a petulant child. "You know-"
"I don't want you to leave..." Yuzuru cuts him. "You can't leave."
He knows he sounds like a broken record, but he doesn't know what else to say. Javi's arms close around him, careful of his wings like always, and his next words cut through Yuzuru like a knife.
"Why does that break your heart?" he whispers, and Yuzuru gasps.
He breaks out of the embrace, and looks at Javi's face to see if he is joking. He is smiling softly, sadly and Yuzuru gulps. He might as well put it all out there, since he might never get the chance to again.
"Because you're leaving and..." his voice breaks around a new sob. "And you'll have a new life, and meet someone and... it won't be me."
Javier gasps, Yuzuru looking up to search his face. He looks awestruck, eyes wide and mouth open, his gaze also searching Yuzuru's face. It lasts for a few seconds, before his face turns cold and guarded. It feels like a punch in the stomach to Yuzuru.
"You-" Javi huffs, taking a step back. "You can't just say things like that, Yuzuru."
"Why not?" he asks, taken aback by Javi's reaction. "I can't tell you how I feel?"
Javier is looking at him with an expression Yuzuru has seen before. That time in an ice show when Ondrej had said how beautiful his white wings were. He had seen Javi's face fall from that contagious smile to something so sad and heartbreaking, and he never knew the reason why. Could it be...?
"You really don't know...?" he asks, truly surprised Javi hasn't figured it out in all this time. "You really don't know about my wings?"
"Of course I do!" Javi says, offended. "They change with every emotion you feel. And it took me a while, but I figured each of them. Including the white sparkly ones. They mean you love someone."
His voice dies at the end, like he is embarrassed for some reason. Yuzuru shakes his head, laughing because he has tortured himself for so long, trying to hold back believing he never felt the same. But he just didn't know, did he?
"You." he says, and Javi's head snaps up.
He smiles, closing his eyes as he feels his wings changing, pure white mixing with turquoise. He can feel Javi's eyes drifting from his wings to his face, back and forth. He turns around, putting his wings in full display for Javi to stare at all he wants. A trembling finger comes to caress the tip of his left wing and he shudders. No one other than his mother or himself has ever touched his wings. He turns around again, closing his eyes and taking in an encouraging breath. He exhales slowly and lets the words pour out.
"I was twenty one the first time they turned white." he starts. "At first I didn't understand, but my mother seemed so excited. It took me a while to see that they only turned white around you and I figured you would notice, eventually."
"I didn't- god, I didn't know, I thought..." he clears his throat and Yuzu tilts his head. "I thought it was Ondrej..."
"WHAT?" Yuzu screams, and everyone around them looks at him with a weird face. "You thought it was- oh... oh, that time at-"
"At Fantasy on Ice." Javier nods. "You were playing around with Ondrej, he was lifting you and your wings turned white. I thought they were gorgeous and I- I wanted to make you feel like that."
"That was because of you!" he says, followed by a chuckle, shaking his head. "You were talking to Alex and you were smiling so bright..."
Javi hugs him again, holding him close and kissing his neck where he knows no one will see.
"You have to tell me everything later." he whispers in his ear. "Now, let's go get our medals, Olympic champion."
Yuzu smiles and nods, the turquoise of his wings disappearing and giving way to pink. Yes, he is happy and in love.
"Oh, by the way." Javi turns, just before they call his name. "I love you too."
The camera shutters are deafening, everyone eager to capture the moment when his wings spread, shining brighter than they ever have in a beautiful mix of pink and white.
' Yes ', he thinks as they put the Olympic gold around his neck, sneaking a glance to his side where Javi wears his bronze proudly. ' It's not so bad to have my wings out in moments like this '