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“in another world” haechan often thinks.
in another world he wouldn’t be famous; and he’s okay with that. Sometimes, despite how guilty he gets, he wishes that he were in an alternate universe, where he isn’t a singer-- where he doesn’t have crazy fans that wait for him outside his home, where he can freely open the blinds and feel the sun rays hit his skin at the peak of afternoon. sometimes he wishes he was a normal person (and more than often does the guilt not creep into his chest, which makes him feel even worse after).
he hates how it makes him feel more than what the word “exhausted” can express. he hates the way fame robbed him of what could’ve been, the life he could’ve lived. how it caused him to miss out on all of the stereotypical, movie-like, high school experiences and memories (and oh, how he wishes to study at least once for a final). he despises the holidays that are spent on work and rehearsals, how christmas isn’t just christmas. but he especially despises his young self for ever wanting this life, wanting to become a singer-- wanting to become someone known . he craves for a new life a lot, as if it’s his guilty pleasure.
but he often questions if in this so-called "alternate universe" would he still have mark? the dreamies, his roommate johnny, would he still have them in his life?
“would we still find each other in a different universe?” haechan asks quietly, entangled in mark’s loose hold. the two are sitting on mark’s bed listening to the song that has been on repeat for the past week.
“huh?” mark looks down to see the latter’s face. there is no sarcasm, no playful look. pure curiosity and innocence is written in his eyes.
“if we lived in a world different than this, would we still have each other the way we do now?”
mark purses his lips and leans his head back on the headboard. haechan stops staring at him and looks down to where their hands are interlaced. he heaves a big sigh, knowing that he shouldn’t have asked a question like this. he should have never revealed these selfish thoughts, his desire to be a new version of himself in a different world. the guilt is crawling into his skin.
“well,” mark starts. haechan looks back up to see his favourite face, only for it to be covered in delicate concentration.
“i don’t think we would have what we have now,” and a strike of pain hits haechan’s chest. the guilt crawling into his skin is now regret and brokenness. now he wishes that he could disappear.
“but… i don’t think we could exist without each other in any other universe-- well me. i don’t think i could ever not know you haechan, in our current universe or in any other world you created in that head of yours.”
his chest is still heavy and he’s still heart-broken, but this is a different type of heartbreak. a tender heartbreak. this feeling is overwhelming for him.
“i would find you in any universe we live in, famous or not.”
a gentle smile grows on haechan’s face. “me too.” his head falls into mark’s chest and his heart stills to the sound of mark’s soft heartbeat.
“but would we still be listening to this song on repeat in an alternate universe?”
“jesus!” mark lets out a soft chuckle, tightening his hold on the warmth in front of him.
haechan turns his body around to see his favourite person in full view, covered in love and delicacy. no greek god or desire for an alternate universe could ever sway haechan’s heart. it’s mark that he wants, not a selfish alternate reality.
he leans in and holds onto mark’s neck for support. the moment haechan’s lips reach mark’s plush pair, all of his wants and pinings for a new existence, macrocosm, cosmos (and shit haechan can’t even fathom in the sight of mark) disappears. it could have been the wine the two were chugging down earlier, but mark was radiating a new kind of love he had never experienced before; a belonging type of love.
this is why he feels guilty every time. sure he has his fans and the money, but he would trade all of that in a heartbeat to be this haechan with this mark in this universe.
haechan’s tongue traces each crevice engraved on mark’s lips before he slots it into his mouth. their teeth clash and mark’s head bumps onto the headboard more than once and it makes haechan wonder if this would still be here in another universe. if the other haechan would be able to experience what he feels right now.
sometimes he feels bad for alternate universe haechan. in a different universe mark and him could have only exchanged eye contact crossing the street. in a different universe him and mark could be enemies, and he could never imagine hating mark (no matter how many times he keeps the same song on repeat while they make out). in a different universe mark could be dating someone else, leaving that haechan heartbroken and forever infatuated.
he sympathizes with the alternate haechan who isn’t even haechan, but donghyuck, in jeju island while alternate mark lee is in canada, or new york, or somewhere in the world that isn’t where donghyuck is. how painful that life must be. his heart aches at the thought of never knowing about mark’s existence.
haechan separates himself from mark, who is cutely out of breath and flushed. haechan is out of breath as well and feels his face burn crimson, but he knows he isn’t as cute as the man in front of him.
“what if i didn’t know you existed?”
mark, still slightly out of breath, fixes his ruffled, raven hair (which haechan’s hands were in a few moments ago) out of confusion.
“what are you talking about?”
“what if in a different universe i didn’t know you were you. ”
“i’m still not catching the drift.”
“like, sure in one alternate universe we could know of each other, but not ever interact-- or like, in another universe we could be strangers who somehow always see each other while crossing the street or something stupid like that, but… “ haechan tries to dig into his brain for the words he can’t find.
“but?”
“what if in one of our possible universes you’re unfamiliar to me?”
“keep going, the gears are grinding.”
haechan sighs, he can never tell if mark is serious or not (but most of the time he hopes not because it's more than likely that he is serious and this stupid).
“what if in a different world i’m lee donghyuck in korea and you’re mark lee in canada? how would we cross paths then? would we even cross paths?”
mark fingers through haechan’s lovely, grey locks. he heaves a quiet sigh.
“i don’t think that’s possible.”
“what do you mean?”
“i don’t think mark lee in canada could ever not know lee donghyuck in korea. we’d have to cross paths somehow.”
“how do you know that? what if--”
“if we know each other now, like this, then in another universe we would have to cross paths. that stranger you passed by on the street could be your version of me in a different universe and i would be that stranger. everyone you see now has to exist in your alternate universe, no?”
hyuck doesn’t believe him, but he still agrees to what mark has to say. he does have a point, and after all, he doesn’t even know for sure himself.
mark lays him down and starts dressing him in small kisses, starting from the tip of his ear, down to the crook of his neck, travelling up his jaw, going all the way up to his nose.
there are times where he despises second him. he burns in anger at the thought of other him cheating on other mark, and he hates other mark for obviously knowing, but staying because that’s just who other mark is. he knows deep down in another universe alternate haechan is an asshole who doesn’t deserve alternate mark, but still gets to keep him. in that universe would other haechan be kissing another boy the way mark is kissing this haechan? in another universe would haechan be kissing another boy and running back home to give second mark his sloppy seconds? he wants to kill that haechan.
mark wiggles his nose across hyuck’s and his anger-filled heart soon becomes watered down.
sometimes haechan envies alternate universe him. in a different universe him and mark could have been in high school, studying for entrance exams together, going on little dates here and there, graduating together. he wishes he could be the haechan who plans intricate vacations and dates for them across the world, where they are successful and in love without the fame. in an alternate universe he, lee donghyuck, and mark lee could be in college meeting for the first time for a project and experiencing what love at first sight feels like. oh how he wishes he could discover sparks like that. in this different universe they could be doing what they’re doing now whenever they please; that’s what haechan resents.
the universe haechan is the most jealous of is the universe where he is lee donghyuck and mark lee is lee minhyung and they’re married, in a tiny, one-room apartment with a dog named coco. he longs to be that donghyuck the most, to be the donghyuck who is so lucky to marry a man named minhyung. someone who makes him feel like the most important person in the world; the mark lee without the cameras on him. the mark lee without the pressure, he envies that haechan the most, because he gets the best mark lee out of them all, the one without attention. he longs to be that donghyuck, the donghyuck that can hold his hand and kiss his cheek wherever he wants. the donghyuck who can purposely match their winter coats when they go out for coffee dates. the donghyuck who has the time to go out on coffee dates with minhyung, the donghyuck who can do anything with this minhyung without eyes on them.
maybe he’s selfish for envying that universe, for wishing mark was also normal. maybe it’s because he knows that in any universe they end up in mark would somehow find his way to music and fame, and he doesn’t want that mark lee to end up in the position they’re currently caught up in. but in the end it’s for his own self-serving intentions for wanting mark all to himself, and that makes him even more greedy than just wanting a normal life for the both of them.
mark is halfway down haechan’s neck when he interrupts for the third time.
“where do you think you would be if you weren’t mark lee-- if you weren’t here, where we are now... what would you be doing?”
mark is still planting small kisses down his neck as he replies “how much do you want me to tell you i can’t live without you, hyuck?”
haechan groans out of frustration (and also by how good the vibrations of mark’s voice felt on his neck, but mostly out of frustration). mark feels the heat growing and radiating from his neck and immediately retreats.
“sorry.” he pecks on last kiss onto hyuck’s cheek then sits on hyucks lap.
“i honestly can’t give you an answer. i don’t know what i’d be doing without music. i don’t even know what i’d be in a universe different from this.”
haechan can feel the pain all over his body. he knew the answer, but he still asked.
“if you weren’t famous, where would you be?”
“with you.”
he hits mark’s shoulder. “don’t start with that cheesy shit. really, where would you be?”
“i see my honesty isn’t appreciated,” mark leans in closer to haechan’s face.
“but i think i’d be with you, somewhere, maybe you as a dance teacher or a dog groomer. me, maybe a writer or some nerd in a cubicle,” he stifles a laugh at the goofy mark lee.
“i don’t really care about what other me is doing in a universe different from this because it doesn’t matter to me. this matters to me haechan, the universe we’re in right now, this moment is all i would ever want, and i have it. fuck alternate haechan or donghyuck and fuck alternate me! i want this haechan to be with this mark, in this room, in this universe listening to this song on repeat for hours while we make out.”
haechan can feel himself afloat on the soft clouds they call mark’s bed. he can’t help but smile at the epitome of beauty in front of his eyes. this moment has to be in a different universe because it can’t be real.
“was that the correct answer?”
“fuck you.”