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Neil sat down on the floor, the needle discarded on the counter.
He’d waited so long for this moment and it was here and he was being a fucking coward. After everything he’d been through, he couldn’t stab himself with a needle.
He couldn’t even look at it.
After Riko, his dad, years of repression and finally finding a place where he could really be Neil Josten, not [deadname] Wesninski. And he couldn’t bring himself to give his first t shot.
That morning Andrew drove with him to the pharmacy to pick it up. Neil had been jumpy, unable to sit still the whole way. Now, locked in the bathroom alone he was a mess. He’d cried at least twice. Once because he finally had the hormones and a second time because he couldn’t do it.
“Neil,” Andrew’s voice asked outside the bathroom. He knocked a little. “You good?”
Neil wiped under his eyes with the back of his sleeve, not bothering to hide his sad red eyes as he opened the door. Andrew took half a step back a little startled. He studied the red-head for a long moment.
“What is it?” he asked patiently.
Andrew was an asshole, but never directed any hostility at his boyfriends gender identity. He was patient and understanding. He listened. Though, he’d never admit it to anyone else.
“I can’t...I have to give myself a shot and I can’t do it and it’s so stupid. I’ve been shot with an actual gun and walked away, but I can’t poke myself with a needle!” Neil said, hitting the door in his frustration.
Neil squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry. He whimpered.
He didn’t care that his voice was loud enough that the other foxes in the common room could hear. He didn’t give a damn.
“You’ve tried to carve a tattoo off your face, Neil,” Andrew said, arms crossed over his chest.
Neil forced his eyes open, studying the man before him. “Your point?”
Andrew just sighed softly.
“You could do it,” Neil suggested, with puppy dog eyes.
Andrew stepped past him, picking up the needle. “Where?”
Neil just blinked at him, staring at the needle. His heart skipped a beat in his chest. He looked away, forgetting how to breathe for a minute.
The blonde set the needle back down. “Talk to me, junkie.”
“I’m scared,” he said quietly.
“In what way?” Andrew asked, choosing his words carefully.
Abby had once asked him ‘if he was sure’ and Neil went ballistic. Neil knew what Andrew was implying and quickly shook his head.
“I’ve spent a very long time not being real and it’s like doing this just makes it all so real, and I know I’m safe now but I can’t stop feeling like I can’t afford to do this. Like tomorrow Neil Josten won’t be able to exist anymore,” Neil said, staring down at his hands. “But I can actually afford to be myself now.”
Andrew studied him for a moment. “Yes or no?”
“You’re going to kiss it better?” Neil teased.
“You just look like you need a hug. You think too much,” he said with a sad laugh.
Neil held open his arms for a hug because he did need one. “Yes, ‘Drew.”
Andrew pulled him close, gently rubbing his back. He kissed the top of his head. He stayed like that for a while until he felt Neil physically relax. Andrew had that effect on Neil. He felt calm with him.
“How long has this been on,” Andrew asked, tugging a big on the binder as he pulled back.
Neil reached up to it. “This morning...After my run--”
“Seven...It’s almost four? Take it off and then we’ll deal with your shot,” Andrew said.
If it was up to Neil he’d wear that damn thing all day long. Maybe he did have a death wish. Either way, Andrew was always making sure he took proper care of himself. He was too good to Neil.
“But--”
“I mean, if you don’t want top surgery and want to fuck up your ribs, that’s on you,” Andrew said, shaking his head.
“The shot first. It’s the only way I’m going to feel okay taking this thing off,” Neil said, grabbing the needle without looking at it. He held it out to his boyfriend.
Andrew took it, studying him. “Do you want to sit?”
Neil situated himself on the counter. “Can I hold onto you when you do it?” he asked, in a quiet voice.
Andrew nodded. “Shoulders, back, neck. Over the clothes.”
Neil lifted his shirt for him with one hand. He grabbed Andrew’s shoulder, squeezing hard when he felt the needle pierce his skin. He whimpered, eyes shut tight. He didn’t move until he felt Andrew tugging on his shirt.
“All done,” Andrew said, looking up at him.
There was a ghost of a smile on his lips. Something like pride in his eyes.
Neil touched his side, a grin spreading. He felt the tears welling up again, but didn’t let them fall this time. He laughed instead, jumping off the counter.
“Go change, dumbass,” Andrew said with a laugh. “I’m going up to the roof.”
He grabbed the pack of cigarettes off his desk and disappeared out of the dorm. He heard his teammates asking questions out in the common room but Andrew ignored them. They weren’t his questions to answer.
Neil made quick work of taking off his binder and tugging on an oversized hoodie. Without Andrew in here, Nicky was likely to burst in at any moment with questions.
Neil stepped out into the common area, all eyes snapping to him. He instantly wanted to disappear back into the room.
“Well?” Nicky asked, eyes wide.
“Well,” Neil said, “I’m scared of needles.”
Then he turned and went up to the room where Andrew was waiting with an unlit cigarette for him.