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felix stared at himself in the practice room mirror, hands on his waist and panting hard. it was only 11pm, practice had ended 2 hours ago, but he was still here. almost all the lights were off, an attempt to see as little of himself as possible. granted, that was quite difficult in a room full of mirrors, but any little helps.
the song restarted, felix moving to stop it. his vision warped at the sudden movement, causing felix to stumble, but he quickly righted himself, shaking his head. he felt so tired, and wanted nothing but to crawl in bed and sleep for an exceptionally long time, but with a comeback in the distance, he knew now more than ever, it was important he didn't lose sight of his goal. he was determined to lose weight for the comeback, determined to look better, maybe even feel better. maybe if he lost the extra weight, he'd feel more comfortable and confident within himself, maybe he'd be praised for it, maybe it would make dancing easier. felix knew in reality he wasn't fat, in its literal definition, but he felt extremely disproportionate, certain parts of his body too soft and round for his liking.
it hadn't always been this way, maybe in the last two or three comebacks he had started feeling insecure, with the last one being the biggest hit to his self esteem, which was when the dangerous behaviour began. felix had originally only cut out snacks and liquid calories, opting for water instead. but when he stopped seeing the results as quickly as he liked, he stopped eating breakfast, and soon, lunch and dinner followed it. he lost the weight he wanted, but the habits stayed, even after the comeback ended. in the end, felix ended up becoming scared of gaining weight. he had better weeks, where eating 3 meals a day didn't scare him shitless, but the second he felt stressed or upset, it was back into the old behaviour felix fell.
felix switched the upcoming title track to the b-stage they were to promote, an aggressive, demanding performance, made even harder by an empty stomach. of course felix ate, when he was forced to by his teammates or when he felt like he could pass out by any excess movement, but even then, felix worried about the calories he was consuming, mentally adding them all up, a quick incognito search when he didn't know. it was incredibly draining, but felix was so stuck in his ways, he didn't see a way out.
felix was halfway through the song when he noticed the presence of one of his members at the door. leaning in the doorway, arms crossed and eyebrows raised, was chan, the intention clear as day he was here to bring felix back to the dorm. chan allowed the song to finish before he was turning off the sound system and grabbing felix' bag, all before the younger could even get a word in.
"what are you doing?" felix asked.
chan stared at felix for a moment.
"....bringing you home? it's half eleven felix, we have a 6am start tomorrow. by the time we've got home, eaten and got ready for bed, it'll be past 12am and you'll get barely any sleep. please, come on, let's go." chan walked over to felix, arms open to hug him, before felix took a step back.
"uh, that's cool and all, hyung, but i'm not ready to go back yet, i still have some songs to practice. you head home, i'll be right behind you." felix stated, stepping around chan to walk over to the sound system.
chan grabbed his arm, face contorting when he felt how slim felix' wrist was in his large hand, before quickly neutralising his expression before felix turned back around.
"i wasn't asking you, i was telling you. you're coming home, whether you want to or not."
felix felt his normally calm demeanour slowly slip away, attempting with all his might to not become angry.
"but i'm not, ok? please i'll be another half an hour, no more. i just need to perfect it."
chan scoffed. "you can't perfect anything on no sleep and no dinner. now come on, there should be a van waiting outside, we are both going home."
felix whined quietly to himself, but allowed chan to pull him out the practice room after tidying it up.
the trip back to the dorm was quiet, nothing but the rumble of the car keeping them company. felix stared out of the window, trying to think of ways he could get out of eating. chan was a tough obstacle when it came to avoiding food, he would never let them skip meals if he could. however, as the leader, he was frequently out at meetings or in his studio, even more now with the comeback looming over their heads, allowing felix to skip eating more often than not.
the van rolled up outside the dorm, felix getting out quickly and moving towards the building. he took the stairs, only glancing back when he heard chan walking up them too. it wasn't a long walk, only a couple of floors, but it left felix feeling even more exhausted than before. chan stepped in front of him and opened the door, pushing it open to a dark dorm.
"go have a shower, lix, i'll make us something to eat." chan gestured towards the bathroom while he took his shoes off. felix dropped his bag in his room, grabbing fresh sleep clothes, and slowly moved into the bathroom. putting his clothes down on the closed toilet seat, before turning around and staring in the mirror once more. even though it physically pained him, he kept staring, slowly picking himself apart. he pulled his shirt off, cringing even harder. he wrapped his arms around himself, turning away and walked over to turn the shower on. and if he stared at the ceiling the whole shower, it was because he didn't want to look at his body, not because he was crying.
felix found himself ready and sat in the kitchen much quicker than he would have liked, fiddling with the chopsticks, and blinking at chan, who was scarfing down his food. chan was in his own world, clearly affected by the exhaustion catching up with him. felix felt his eyes dart around the kitchen, unsure of where to look. he gingerly ate a bite of rice, shifting around uncomfortably in his seat. chan looked up, the shuffling pulling him out of his daydream.
"you alright, lix?"
felix smiled, or well hope he smiled but it really felt more like a grimace.
"just fine."
he picked at his leftovers until chan was too tired to even hold his head up, and then threw the rest away. felix then worked out as silently as he could in the sleeping dorm.
"i'm just fine," felix thought, clutching his side as wispy breaths left his mouth.
-☆-
waking up is much more difficult when you're hungry. the lack of energy makes it 10x harder to even hold your head up, the black spots that fill your eyesight as you try to walk in a straight line. felix often tried to sleep in late as to avoid eating breakfast with the other's, forcing him to rush about instead of eating. the members laugh at him, thinking it's nothing more than a cute habit, but deep down felix know it was yet another habit brought out by his disordered eating. felix felt as if that was becoming his whole personality, leaving nothing but an empty shell of the old felix.
they weren't set to practice for a long time today, only 4 hours, with various lessons scattered around. jeongin was sent to wake felix today, slowly shaking the boy awake. felix burrowed himself even deeper into the bed, whining high in his throat. jeongin kept shaking him, laughing at his hyung.
"come on, lix hyung, you have to get up." his felt his face frown as felix rolled over, exhaustion clear all over his face. his cheeks looked gaunt and his eyes looked so dark. felix rubbed his face, forcing himself to wake up.
"hey are you feeling ok, you're not sick or anything, are you hyung?"
felix sat up, rubbing his face even harder.
"no, don't worry, i'm ok, just didn't sleep that well."
jeongin moved his hand to felix' back in order to comfort him, stomach sinking at the feeling of his spine sticking out.
"erm… ok hyung, come join us for breakfast soon. please."
jeongin took a step back and looked really hard at felix. he had stopped rubbing his face now and was just staring off to the opposing wall. felix seemed almost… lifeless. his tshirt looked way too big, his hair looked more damaged than usual, his pale cheeks were sunken in, and he was shivering ever so slightly.
jeongin felt himself move quickly at the room, desperate to find someone to talk to about felix, but before he could get anywhere, hyunjin came over and asked jeongin to help him look for his dance trainers, and slowly but surely, the image of felix in bed had left jeongin's head.
-☆-
the jyp canteen was quiet, what with it being barely 8am, stray kids on their first break of today's practice. jisung, felix and hyunjin had left the rest of the group in the practice room, desperate for a change of scenery and some water. felix was sat at the table, his head resting on his arms, as jisung ate an apple and hyunjin scrolled through his phone.
felix felt his arm being nudged, not realising he had closed his eyes, opening them to jisung pressing a sweet into his hand. felix looked down at the sweet that had been placed in his hand, jisung smiling at him brightly before turning back to his bottle and taking a sip of water. felix stared at the sweet. it was a chocolate, wrapped up in a purple film. he glanced around, not sure what to do. the canteen was quiet, making the voice in his head sound even louder than it probably was.
felix frowned, sitting up and trying his hardest to drown the voice out. jisung was now also scrolling through his phone, unknowing of the frenzy he had sent felix into. he swallowed and pushed the sweet into his pocket, preparing an excuse of "I'll have it later," incase jisung noticed. felix nibbled on his thumb, trying to stay calm. felix cursed his dire need for perfection, his disordered eating habits had once again rearing its head, a desperate attempt of control. it was almost boring at this point. something would happen, he'd get stressed, he'd relapse, he'd starve for a while, he'd get better but then something would happen. wash, rinse, repeat.
felix' zoned out eyes focused on hyunjin, who was completely in his own world. hyunjin sensed felix' eyes on him, and smiled. felix smiled back, propping his head up on his hand and looking away. hyunjin brought out a snack bar from his hoodie pocket, felix feeling a small shudder ripple through him just thinking about eating that. the sugar, the calories - no thanks. he pulled his phone out of his pocket, opening up random apps to act as distractions. noticing the time, he spoke to the other two to tell them they should probably head back.
as felix stood up, his vision blacked as he took a few steps forwards, stretching his arms as he tried his best to regain his centre. it had been a couple of weeks since he had eaten 3 meals a day and at least a week since he had eaten more than one. somewhere deep inside, felix knew he shouldn't keep this up, he needed energy for practice, so he could keep up with his friends, but somewhere even deeper inside, felix couldn't bring himself to care.
-☆-
57, 58, 59, 60.
felix collapsed on the floor. he had always hated planks, but apparently they were one of the best exercises you could do, so after 1 minute planks on each side and his front, felix felt breathless. his stomach cramped and a wispy cry left his mouth. he lay there for a few minutes, maybe more, before peeling himself off the floor. his vision blacked out for a moment, stumbling towards his bed. he sat down on the edge, willing himself to stand up and get over it.
the dorm was practically empty, most of the members at the studios practicing. felix knew he should be at the studio with the rest of his band, but he had called it a day early, muttering something about not feeling well in order to be allowed home. practice had been tough, and felix sensed that his members were beginning to catch on. if he could just get to the comeback without getting caught, he wouldn't have a problem. maybe deep down he knew this was no way to live, and that it was dangerous and depressing. he missed meal times with his group, he missed being able to play with his members without feeling exhausted, but above all, he missed being comfortable in his own skin.
felix lay down on his bed, sniffling a little. he wouldn't allow himself to cry but god he was close really close to right now. felix didn't want to feel this way anymore, he wanted to feel alive again.
felix had come to realise there is nothing more lonely than an eating disorder. there was nothing more lonely than working out by yourself in you room, nothing more lonely than hearing all your friends laugh over dinner while you "studied", and nothing more lonely than being sat at a table, surrounded by food and people but you're so trapped in your own head, so full of fear, that you can't say a word. it was soul destroying, let alone the way it destroyed his body.
he cried himself to sleep, but only because he didn't feel well.
-☆-
to say that the other members were concerned would be an understatement. felix looked more and more fragile as the comeback came closer, and they never saw him eat anymore. but this whole thing felt out of their depth. how do they approach felix without him blowing up in their face or becoming worse?
one night, while felix was out practicing, all 7 of the other members gathered in their living room, worry clear on each face.
chan cleared his throat.
"i'm sure you know why we're all her-"
"what's wrong with lix hyung?" jeongin blurted out.
chan sighed.
"that's why we're here. i really don't want to jump to conclusions but i think he is struggling with food."
"his weight, you mean? doesn't everything point towards any eating disorder?" seungmin interjected, anxiety ringing through his voice.
chan put his head in his hands.
"i really don't want to jump to conclusions but i think seungmin is right. when was the last time anyone saw felix eat?"
"he ate noodles with me but that was monday night." hyunjin supplied, hoping to be of help. the pit in chan's stomach deepened. it was thursday.
"and no one else has seen him eat since?"
silence.
"maybe he eats alone, like he really doesn't hang out with us much anymore." jisung said.
changbin snorted.
"does he look like he eats when he's alone?"
jisung leaned into changbin, sadly shaking his head.
"i had to wake him up the other day," jeongin began. "he honestly just looked… lifeless. hyung, i'm scared."
chan opened his arms and gestured for a nearly crying jeongin to come over. he hugged the younger tight, wishing he could wrap felix up in his arms and protect him too.
"don't cry bud, hey i'm gonna go and get him from the practice room, do you wanna come with me?"
jeongin nodded, standing up and holding chan's hand as the walked over to the shoe rack in the hall.
they decided to walk, not wanting to bother any staff this late at night. it wasn't a long walk but it wasn't short either. chan began to feel antsy, like this was taking too long and they were missing something important.
-☆-
the music pounded around felix. it wasn't even that loud but he had a horrible headache so every sound felt amplified by ten. the song was reaching it's peak, the dance break and final chorus coming up. felix went as hard as he could on the dance break, throwing himself into it. but as he stood and waited for the final chorus to start, something felt wrong. he knelt down for a minute, head pounding even louder, eyes barely able to see. everything was spinning and felix put his arms out in front of him in attempts to steady himself.
a small cry was all that left his lips as he crumpled and passed out.
-☆-
chan found himself running to the practice room when he entered the jyp building, he didn't know why but something felt wrong. were they too late? could they help felix?
chan and jeongin approached the door of their practice room, music still blaring, but there was a lack of feet shuffling on the floor. chan pushed open the door, swearing as the sight of felix passed out on the floor met his eyes. the pair rushed over, chan picking felix up and cradling him to his chest.
"should i call someone, hyung, is he ok?" jeongin was panicking.
"i'm not sure jeongin, i think we need to call an ambulance, we don't know how long he's been out."
jeongin sucked in a breath and pulled his phone out, calling the emergency services. he forced himself to stay calm, besides this wasn't about him, this was about felix.
it was 10 minutes before the ambulance arrived, felix now awake but not present. he could barely speak, let alone stand up and walk it off. he was so mentally and physically drained and it hurt chan in unimaginable ways.
they moved out the way to let the paramedics help him, but felix whined high in his throat as chan put him down, chan opting to hold felix' hand instead. felix was loaded into the ambulance, chan following, telling jeongin to tell the other's and the manager and to follow them.
-☆-
the managers gathered everyone in the cars and drove to the company to pick up jeongin before taking them to the hospital.
chan was sat in the waiting room, picking at his nails, staring at the wall ahead. his leg was bouncing a mile a minute, chan looked the dictionary definition of anxiety right now. jeongin walked over to him quickly and wrapped his arms around the leader, face burying into the crook of his neck.
"he'll be ok, hyung, felix hyung is strong, he'll bounce back and we'll all be here to help him."
chan leaned his head onto jeongin's, eyes finally lifting to see the rest of his group standing in front of him. chan shuddered because they all just looked so young. huddled together, coats and shoes thrown over pyjamas, fear and worry filling their faces.
"the managers are talking to the receptionist." seungmin started. "what happened?"
"we just walked in," chan replied. "we just walked in and he was on the floor. and even when he woke up, after 3 minutes, he just… just wasn't there. like he was stuck in a bubble and he couldn't hear us."
jeongin wrapped his arms around chan tighter, somehow burying himself even deeper. han and hyunjin moved to join the hug, the rest of the group slowly trickling forward.
and that's how they stayed, for the hour until they were allowed to see felix. the managers paced around them, on the phone to seemingly every employee in jyp.
finally, the receptionist called for the family of felix lee. the members shot up, following the man through the corridors until they stopped outside the door. what they guessed to be the doctor who was looking after felix was waiting there, appearing slightly surprised at the amount of people who greeted her at this late hour.
she cleared her throat.
"felix appears to be dehydrated and extremely malnourished. his heart rate and blood pressure are lower than expected for someone of his age and build, and along with everything else, we can't assume until he's ready to talk, but we believe this may be an eating disorder. if he wakes and you can talk to him, try to bring it up but don't be accusing, be gentle. his mental wellbeing is a big concern here."
she stepped out the way of the door, allowing the rest of stray kids a moment to process what she had said before gesturing to the door. chan pushed the door open, feeling his heart break even further at the sight he saw.
felix looked so, so small. it was scary how fragile he looked, like one breath too hard and he'd blow away. his freckled cheeks matched the sheets he lay on, his thin hair splayed messily around his head.
chan pulled the chair closest to felix, carefully brushing the hair out of his eyes, trying to steady his shaking hand. the rest of the boys filed in around the bed, hyunjin, minho and changbin opting to seat on the small couch in the corner of the tiny room. chan looked around, subconsciously counting the boys, frowning when he only reached seven. scanning the room again, his eyes caught jeongin hanging onto the door frame. chan's face softened, noticing how jeongin was trying to keep himself calm.
chan looked at jeongin until they made eye contact, chan gesturing for him to come over, with a hopefully reassuring smile. jeongin slowly shuffled across the room, making his way to chan and felix. his eyes didn't lift of the floor, even when he sat down in chan's lap, his eyes stayed trained on his shoes.
"hey bug," chan murmured into his ear. "it's ok, don't cry," quickly moving to wipe the tears falling down jeongin's face. "he's here, we've got him, nothing's gonna happen to him. all we need to worry about is getting him healthy, there's no complications."
jeongin nodded, encouraged by chan, and looked up at his bandmate. he felt tears choke him again, but he bit his lip. this wasn't about him.
"that could've been me." jeongin whispered to himself.
chan held his breath.
"what do you mean by that, innie?" trying his hardest to keep his voice steady.
jeongin looked down again. "before i joined the company. it was more of a control thing as opposed to how i looked, but the thoughts, they never truly leave. you just learn how to ignore them."
"i'm so sorry innie, i wish we could have been there for you."
"it's ok, it is what it is. i lived and so will felix because he's much stronger than i am."
"you are strong, innie, you're beautiful and funny and brave and so, so strong. i couldn't do what you're doing at your age."
"you probably could have, hyung, you're amazing." jeongin giggled despite himself, looking up and gasping when he found felix's eyes staring into his.
"hiya, lix hyung." he whispered.
felix blinked at jeongin, brain still foggy, before quirking a small but clearly exhausted smile.
"how you doing?" chan asked, attention from the other members now falling on felix again. they all kept calm and quiet, not wanting to scare the younger.
felix seemed to shrink even further into the bed, the eyes on him causing his chest to ache.
minho stood up. "i'll go get the doctor," he stated before briskly walking out the door.
"why haven't you being eating bubby?" chan asked gently, not wanting the boy to blow up in his face.
felix blinked a couple more times. "i have been," he stated. he didn't know why he was lying, but he didn't feel ready to let go yet.
"lix, please don't lie, you look at least 20 pounds underweight."
felix closes his eyes. "don't feel it though," he mumbled out, hoping no one caught it.
"felix please tell us what's wrong, we've been worried for a while," changbin said.
"it's nothing, honestly, just a little under the weather."
seungmin scoffed. "how can it be nothing if it's landed you in hospital?! please lix, talk to us."
"but it's literally nothing," felix started, fidgeting with his hands. "it's a little bit of weight loss before the comeback, everyone does it."
"well this is hardly a little bit, felix, what you've done is dangerous and damaging and can be deadly, felix please." seungmin replied.
"FINE, maybe it is a little more than that but it's really not that big a deal, you shouldn't be worrying about me like this."
just as everyone moved to protest, minho came back with the doctor, quickly silencing the group.
"could i speak to felix alone, just for a minute?"
everyone seemed annoyed that they had to leave their brother's side, but the quickly filed out, chan leaving with a longing gaze.
felix carefully pushed himself up to sitting, hair falling into his face to avoid making eye contact.
"felix, i hope you're feeling a little better now. how do you feel?"
felix stayed silent for a moment.
"...tired. like really, really tired."
"do you have any issues with eating or food? you're severely underweight."
felix glanced towards the door before back at his hands.
"i mean, i guess, i mean, it's always been like this, they've never found out before, but then, it's never been this bad." he felt his stomach twist from oversharing.
the doctor nodded before continuing.
"personally, i'd like to admit you to the psychiatric ward, however your manager said that the company was against that. the next best thing is to see a therapist twice to three times a week and to see a dietician every other week. as i said, you are 25lbs underweight, which is extremely damaging to your body and i don't think this is about food allergies or anything along those lines. if you're willing to try, we can get you scheduled in before the end of the week."
again, felix was silent, processing what had just been said to him. he felt as if he had been seen through, every thought emptied out onto the bed in front of him. he was scared, but he knew he had a chance here, to truly escape the cycle. felix looked up and nodded, attempting to return the smile the doctor sent him. he lay back down and stared at the ceiling, feeling conflicting emotions about what he just been told. felix thinks he's ready to let go.
-☆-
the first therapy was uneventful in all honesty. the first day out of hospital after two days was definitely the scariest, realising he would have to tell his group everything. they'd put off asking in the hospital in order to avoid overwhelming him.
they made a cuddle pile as soon as felix arrived home, trying to make him feel as loved and comforted as possible. they talked for a while, felix opening up about his disordered eating and how it would come and go, but this time was the worst. in return, his friends opened up about their problems and stresses, including jeongin. they promised to be welcoming and accepting of someone who needed to talk, promising that they wouldn't let something like this again.
the first therapy session was just an introduction. felix felt relieved that he and his therapist got along, deciding he would feel comfortable enough to talk to this man about his issues.
recovery was so hard though, felix thought, made even harder by his perfectionist tendencies. he would have a bad day and suddenly none of it felt worth it. it was often easy to find him leaning on han or seungmin or chan on these days, who would do nothing but encourage him and whisper praises into his hair.
one of these days, seungmin said something that really stuck with him.
"you aren't fat, but even if you were, you still deserve to eat and you still deserve love. if you were fat we would all love you all the same, because you're worth isn't based on your body's measurements, it's based on who you are, and you are talented and creative and unique and loving and i don't know where this group would be without you."
and if he cried harder, that was ok.
he was also taken off excercise for a while, until he regained more weight. this was the hardest part of it all, being unable to do the one thing that kept him sane. in the end, they faked an ankle injury, and he was allowed to sit on a chair for performances. the fans noticed his weight gain, an extremely large majority happy to see him healthy again. of course, there were some people who were desperate to drag him down, and some days, felix let them. but his friends were always there to pick him up, dust him off and to keep going. stray kids were so patient with him and felix couldn't be more thankful. they woke him up on time so he could eat breakfast before heading out, they helped him stick to his food plan from his dietician and they encouraged him and hyped him up in any way they could. they knew they couldn't recover for felix, but they were determined to make sure he never felt alone.
it was tough going, but everyone, including felix, knew that the outcome would be worth it. at first, felix was a little hesitant to recover, unsure of the person he would be without his eating disorder, but as time went by, he learnt that he could be twice the person his eating disorder wanted him to be. felix ate seconds, he stole changbin's chips, he learned to love cooking and enjoyed teaching his friends and feeding them. he learned how to exercise because it's fun and rewarding, not because he ate 50 more calories than he should have. he wasn't constantly cold anymore, he wasn't constantly tired or dizzy anymore, he wasn't scared anymore. life was brighter and easier with energy, and for that, felix was thankful.
-☆-