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Dimitri stayed in front of the large wooden door, unmoving. From where he stood, he could hear the clamors on the other side. He could still hardly believe that so many people had come just to see him. Just because he was part of the army that had taken back Firdhiad from Cornelia.
Byleth had told him that it wasn't the only reason. They had reminded him that his people had been waiting for his return since Cornelia's coup. That there were so many people who never believed in his execution. That they needed a king.
Perhaps it was true. Faerghus needed a king, but Dimitri couldn't think that they needed him to be their king. He wasn't deserving of it. Outside of the kingdom's limits, the war was still raging. Edelgard was still spilling blood. Because he had failed to stop her. He had abandoned his people, ran from Faerghus, obsessed with a revenge he couldn't even get. And because of this, Faerghus had lost one of the best leader it could ever have. Rodrigue should never have sacrificed his life for him.
As the thought came over his mind again and again he felt his chest tighten, his breath coming short. Soon, he felt unable to breath correctly. The sounds of his people just behind the door faded away, as well as the comforting words the people next to him tried to tell him. They became only whispers in the background. His mind was assaulted by the same word, the same accusation on repeat.
Undeserving.
Until it became too much. He needed a moment of peace, and quiet. He ignored the voices calling him back and ran away.
His running steps led him to a part of the castle that he hadn't visited in many years. Even after taking it back from the dukedom. He was making his way in the corridor of the royal family chambers. Too many memories filled his mind, at the sight only of these walls and the few painting covering them. Representations of historical events, mostly those of Loog and his companions.
Dimitri's steps slowed down as he approached the end of the corridor, to end his walk in front of the royal chambers. The room his father used to occupy with his step mother. His uncle, even when regent, had refused to use them. He said that they were only for kings. He wondered if Cornelia made her place in them. But the castle's staff made a quick work to get rid of any traces of her shameful reign, to prepare for his return.
He raised a trembling hand and opened the door. Inside, all was untouched. It felt as if no one has lived here. Ever. Except for the way everything was clean. The bed was cleanly made, the painting on the walls straightened, and he could not see a single patch of dust or spiderwebs in any corner of the room.
On the other side of the room was the double glass door leading to the king's balcony. Dimitri's head was still spinning around. He saw there his occasion for fresh air. He crossed the room and opened the door, stepping on the large balcony. He immediately felt the cold blow of the wind, but he wasn't bothered by it. He welcomed the cold bite of Firdhiad's nights and the shivering of his body as an anchor to reality.
He stepped to the stone railing and stared at the view. Above him the night was dark, clouds covering the stars. But in a few places, the sky was clear enough for a few beams of moonlight to filter through and for Dimitri to make out the dim light of a few stars. Below the balcony, he had a clear view on the royal gardens. They were always well kept, even during the war. At night, most of the flowers were closed, but he still found it a peaceful scenery to look at.
He left his mind and thoughts calm down while staring at the garden, until he heard someone knocking softly behind him. He turned his head just enough to recognize the form of Dedue in the frame of the door. He didn't know what to tell him. He had just ran away before he could even get pass the door to meet his people. He lacked the courage to face them. He had failed them. But amongst everyone who could have found him, Dedue was the one he minded the least. Even though he had failed him the most.
Dimitri turned his attention back to the gardens, and without a word, Dedue made his place by his side. They stood in silence for a moment. Dimitri wondered how he could explain what got into him. Why he ran so suddenly. Dedue wasn't even asking. He had come to find him but he did not even try to make him go back. He just waited for Dimitri to be comfortable enough to talk.
Finally, he was. He turned his head slightly to the taller man, showing the royal chambers. “These will be mine in a short time.”
“You will have a great view on the gardens.” Dedue simply said
“They want me to take back the throne, as if nothing happened.” Dimitri sighed. “They think I'm still fit to be a king, but I'm not... I'm a monster. I've done unspeakable things. Unforgivable things.”
“No one is unforgivable” Dedue shook his head.
“You don't know that. You don't know what I've done while you weren't here to see me. I attacked anyone who bore the color red. Even the unarmed, even the people who did not see me come. I attacked them and I killed them without any hesitation. I slaughtered anyone who stood in my path toward revenge. I tortured generals. I...”
Dimitri had to take a break. He could not even talk about it without shaking. He leaned back in the railing, his hands clutching the stone. He set his eyes firmly on the gardens below. But even them couldn't calm down the growing beating of his heart. He breathed in slowly. It was so hard to talk about, even now, but somehow he knew he had to. Even as terrifying images of his past flashed before his eyes, he felt some weight lifting from his shoulders. To only speak of it with his closest friend.
“I'm responsible for so many deaths.” Dimitri breathed. “Even for the ones I led into battle and who fell. I made so many widows and orphans. Because of me... You almost died, Dedue.”
Dimitri's voice broke, and so he knew he had to stop talking. The day he ran away from Firdhiad's prisons, leaving Dedue behind to die was one of his biggest regret. He knew he never should have abandoned him, so blinded by revenge. He should have stayed and together, they would have figured something out. Not a day passed when he didn't think of his loss after Dedue's sacrifice.
“You are not responsible alone. All those who fight know the price of taking arms. I always did. I knew what fighting for you meant. But I do not regret it. What you are feeling right now, regrets, guilt, it shows that you are not a monster.”
“How can I believe that...”
Dedue looked at him. Dimitri could feel it, but he didn't dare to meet his eyes. He kept on looking at the gardens with intent. After a moment, he heard the sound of something moving next to him. Like him, Dedue leaned on the railing, putting his crossed arms in front of him.
“Once... I firmly believed that all faerghans were monsters.” Dedue admitted. “I was convinced that they were all heartless beasts that took my home from me.”
Dimitri leaned back, staring at his companion. “Dedue...”
“But you helped me see the good in your people, your kingdom, and anyone.” Dedue raised his eyes to him.
Dimitri laughed bitterly, avoiding his eyes again. “You must mistake me for someone else.”
“You stood up for me when I couldn't. You stayed by me against better judgment.” The taller man insisted. “You showed me your heart. The good and the bad it held equally. Even when you were so deeply hurt, and flawed, and you had to face the worst of your kingdom, you still tried your best. You never once believed that your couldn't make of Faerghus a better place.”
Even though Dedue made no move to touch Dimitri, respecting the space he needed so desperately to run off as he did, he reached him with his words. More than the future king thought was possible. He felt blind to never have known those things. To never have known that it was what his most precious friend thought. But he did not feel bad for this. A part of him was only relieved to finally know. Finally understand him. It was maybe something bad to let words have such a big impact on him. But the words were Dedue's, and he trusted him to be honest with him. So he left him speak, and the word reach his heart, lifting a little of the unease that has been sitting there for far too long.
“With time, you made me realize that it was true.” Dedue continued. “It is true for anything and anyone. Anyone can improve above their flaws. No one is nonredeemable. No one has no flaw.”
Dedue fell silent, after speaking for a long time. Dimitri thought that he never heard him speak uninterrupted for so long. It must have been something he was meaning to say for a long time. Something he truly believed in. And it was so easy for Dimitri to believe him. He had yet to see what was to redeem in himself, but with time, the words of his companions made their way into his mind and heart.
Mercedes had told him again and again that his hands were capable of other things than to kill after their many sewing lessons. Sylvain had told him that he did not frighten the people anymore. Annette had insisted that he was a considerate person to accept to spend time with her, telling tales of his father. Flayn always said that he was too kind to help her by eating her dishes that no one else would even approach. Byleth had commented once that his gentle side was much more apparent when he was spending time with the orphans of the Monastery. Even Felix had stopped calling him boar.
But sometimes, his sins appeared too apparent to let him see his qualities. He was too focused on the bad things he did in the past to be able to see the good he could do on the future. He had to focus on this. If only for the man who was standing next to him. If he wanted to bring justice for the people of Duscur, he had to be focused on the good he could do. Just like this night, when he was too focused on the pain he inflicted on his kingdom to understand that he had to become its ruler to make things right.
Dimitri finally looked up at Dedue. It seemed that his most cherished friend always knew what to say. He knew all of his qualities, just like his flaws. No one is perfect, it was one of Dedue's point. But when he looked at him, he felt ashamed to say that he saw a perfect man. Dedue was always so king and gentle, and showed an impressive patience with people who never tried to understand him. He was always there for him, reliable and strong. Dimitri has no idea where he would be, would it not be for him.
“Is something the matter?” Dedue asked, under the careful gaze of his Highness.
“I can't find you any fault.” Dimitri quickly replied. He felt embarrassed to have stared for so long, but as he voiced his thoughts, he felt even more shy.
Dedue chuckled. “As much as I am flattered... I'm not, Dimitri. I have many flaws.” He explained, his smile vanished. “For too long I blamed every thing on Faerghus and its people, even if you always were an exception.” He precised with a fleeting smile. “I hurt too much and I could not figure out how to get better. I pushed away anyone who tried to get close to me. I hurt them. I know I hurt you too. I'm still sorry about this.”
Dimitri stared at him. He remember well his many attempts to get closer to Dedue, only to be rejected for matters of reputation. He always knew there was something else. He felt somewhat relieved to finally hear it, but if he had known that his friend was hurting so much... He would have tried harder. He would have done anything to help Dedue. Talking then was the first of many steps.
“You must know I don't blame you.” Dimitri put a hand on Dedue's shoulder.
“I know.” Dedue said, and he kept his hand on him. “And this is not my point. My point is that I never truly believed in myself, or in Faerghus, the way you believed. But I had faith in you. I had faith that under your reign, you could make of this place I always hated a good place. I had faith that you would hold you promise and bring justice to my people, restore my lands. Because you are brave, loyal, and I know all you ever wanted was to bring some form of justice in this world. That is a just cause. A cause I will always follow.”
Dimitri felt suddenly dizzier. He knew his friend placed a lot of faith in him, but to hear it so directly was something else entirely. “A cause, yes, deserving of a better leader.” He deflected, letting his hand fall away from his friend's shoulder. But Dedue dis not let him. He caught his hand.
“I could think of no one better than you.” Dedue repeated. “You know what it is to fight, and to lose. The suffering you mistake for monstrosity is not. It is what makes you human. A fundamentally good one. I can say it again and again,” Dedue sighed. “but you only need to see it for yourself.”
“Perhaps you're right.”
Dimitri murmured, maybe a little bit too fast. He left Dedue win this non-argument too easily, but he blamed it on the fact that he was still flustered, his hand held tightly in Dedue's. His heart beat too fast, but this time, it was not because of panic. Or it was a good kind of panic. In reply, Dedue smile at him. It was the most tender he had ever seen him.
“The same way you helped me all those years ago. Let me help you see.”
Less hesitant than before, Dimitri nodded. Things became a little bit clearer in his mind. Dimitri could not forget what he had done, and even less forgive himself for them. But he felt a little more hopeful for the future. He knew the road to redemption would be long and hard, but he could do it. As long as he had people who believed in him and supported him. And as long as he was with Dedue.
Together, they walked back to the reception hall. They did not let go of each other's hand.