Chapter Text
Jimin wondered how he’d gotten to this point. He wondered how long he’d still had to go through this all. Probably not that long now that he had put a stop to his treatment.
If he couldn’t dance, if he couldn’t be with the people he loved, he didn’t want to be here at all.
Unfortunately – or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it – he was too much of a coward to take his own life so he’d have to stay until his time was up.
He pulled the collar of his coat a little higher, trying to block out the wind. He looked left then right, just to go straight ahead like always. Every time without fail he made his way down to the Han river when he left the hospital.
He leaned against the railing, staring at the water. Ripples formed on the surface because of the wind. The ripples were only temporary, just like him.
He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there – he never knew, time having become a strange notion to him. Just when he was about to turn, about to leave, he heard a voice. A voice he hadn’t heard in two years. It made him freeze on the spot, memory after memory rushing back to him.
“Jimin?” came the voice again, hesitant, as if maybe he got the wrong person. However, they both knew he wasn’t wrong. They would recognize each other everywhere.
Slowly, he turned to look at the man he hadn’t seen nor heard in two years. “Hoseok,” he addressed the other.
Hoseok’s face showed a range of different emotions all at once and Jimin was surprised he could still read him so easily. Looking like he didn’t know what to do or say the taller of the two decided to be polite and start a conversation instead of turning around and leaving.
“Hi,” again it came out hesitant. “How have you been?”
And what could Jimin possibly say to that? That his dance career had ended at the same time they parted ways? That he hadn’t had contact with anyone except for Taehyung a handful of times? That he was sick and he had just stopped his treatment? That he had been going through the past two years like a soulless ghost, nothing more than a shell of what he was only a few years ago?
He couldn’t say any of that, wouldn’t say any of that. So he said what every other person would say to that question. “I’ve been good. You?”
“Yeah, uhm, I’ve been good, yeah.” Silence fell between them. How could it not? Two years apart will do that to any relationship and they were no exception. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”
“It has.” They kept looking at each other, not knowing what to do.
“D-Do you still get in touch with the others?”
And what should he say to that? That he cut off all contact with their friends except Taehyung?
“Not really.” He could hardly explain why. Maybe if he kept his answers short, the other would leave him alone faster because these last five minutes were already too much for him. It had been two years. Why? Why? Why? Don’t they say that time heals all wounds? But then again, here he was wounded on the inside and his time was ticking by. What did people know about time? What did he know?
Something sparked in Hoseok’s eyes, like he finally knew what he could say that was safe territory. “Then you probably don’t know about Yoongi-hyung and Jungkook.”
Jimin let out a sigh. He couldn’t do this. “Look, hyung, can we not do this?” He saw the hurt flash over the other’s face and though it felt like a dagger tore through his heart, knowing that he was the cause of it, it was better to keep this all as short as possible then he would finally be able to go back to his reclusive life until his time was up. The less people involved, the less people would get hurt.
He turned around and was about to walk away when he felt a hand close around his arm. “Jimin, please. Can we talk?” Jimin looked at the other, hearing and seeing a certain desperation. “Please?”
And what could he do? He had always been weak to Hoseok. To his eyes, his smile, him. He had always been weak to him. He still was. “Okay.” It almost came out as a whisper.
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They took a seat in a small café. With hardly any people there, the waitress was with them in the blink of an eye.
“What can I get you?”
Before Jimin could answer Hoseok replied, “A vanilla latte and an americano, please.”
“You still remember my order?” The younger was surprised.
“Of course I do. Four years of dating will do that.”
Jimin felt like he was stabbed in the chest with that one sentence. He knew the other probably didn’t mean it like that and even if he did, he couldn’t blame him. Of course four years of dating will do that. He still knew Hoseok’s order, knew what snacks he’d like to eat, knew that on a windy day such as this one he’d use his facemask for an extra five minutes,… He knew everything.
“Right,” was all he managed to say. The silence stretched until the waitress came with their order.
“Jimin, how have you been?”
“You already asked that question, hyung.”
“I guess I find it difficult to find something to say,” the taller replied as he rubbed the back of his neck as if embarrassed.
Jimin felt the urge to cry and not for the first time that day he wondered how he got to this point. Why did he have to see his ex-boyfriend today of all days?
“You wanted to talk, hyung, so please just say what you have to say, okay?” Best to keep this as short and painless as possible. The quicker this was over, the better.
The older cleared his throat, quickly masking the sting that Jimin had caused. “Is it that horrible to be in my company?”
Of course it wasn’t. On the contrary, he missed the other so very much. But he couldn’t tell him that. “That’s not what I meant,” he tried to justify. “I’m just busy, I still have a lot of things to do so I don’t really have the time. That’s all.”
A lie, he was only planning to go home and wallow. After a day like today he deserved that. but at least the lie served its purpose, the other looking a little less crestfallen.
“I see.”
“So what did you want to talk about? I’m afraid I don’t have much time.”
“Uhm, that… yes, of course.” A pause. “We miss you, Jimin. Me and the others.” Jimin looked down, not able to look Hoseok in the eye any longer. It was a miracle he had lasted this long. “It’s been so long since we heard from you. When I saw you at the river I – I just thought that maybe we could get back in touch again?”
Jimin had to hold himself back to not physically flinch. “Hoseok –“
He was cut off, however. “I mean just as friends. We all miss you and I know we broke up but that shouldn’t be a reason to not talk with any of us anymore, right?”
That wasn’t the reason. But then again, he was the only one who knew what the real reason was.
“I mean, even Tae hardly hears anything from you.” And there it was: the concern, the worry, even after Jimin had broken off their relationship. How could someone be so caring?
“Like I said, I’ve been busy.”
The older nodded. “Are you free this Friday? We’re all gathering at Jin-hyung’s place. You should come, they’ll be so happy to see you.”
“I’m not sure if I’m free, I’d need to check my agenda.”
“Of course.”
Silence fell once more. Soon after Jimin stood up from his seat. “I need to get going.”
“Jimin,” Hoseok hurried, stopping the other before he could leave. “Could you at least let us know whether you can make it?”
The younger nodded, “I will.”
“Do you still have the same number?”
“I do.”
“Okay.”
“Bye, Hoseok.”
“See you later, Jimin.”
Jimin wasn’t sure if he said that because he believed he would see the younger again or because he hoped he would. But right now, he didn’t really wanted to think about that. He couldn’t think about that or he would break down in the next two minutes.
Jimin just nodded at the other and left, not looking back once. Not daring to. He had to make it home, had to make it to the safety of those four walls. Once there he could cry and sob and throw things as much as he liked.