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just like any other friday, sunwoo receives a text from him again.
chanhee hyung: sunwoo i miss u
he sighs, rubbing his face with his palms. he types a “where are you?” and is quick to grab his padded jacket to go outside.
chanhee hyung: oyr usual spot
okay i’ll be there in five minutes: sunwoo
as soon as sunwoo got out of his flat, he got hit by the cold breeze of the night, it’s winter and the snow is falling unusually strong today. he wonders if chanhee is bringing any jacket right now, and knowing chanhee, he probably isn’t. he mutters a curse under his breathe and ran towards the place chanhee is at.
the place chanhee is usually at is only a five minute walk from sunwoo’s flat but sunwoo arrived in just a span of two minutes.
he stops and puts his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breathe as soon as he spotted him. his cheek is laying flat on the table, his eyes are closed, his mouth is puckered, his whole face is red. sunwoo wants to scream at him for always not being careful. he’s such a bad drinker but he always goes beyond his alcohol tolerance which results to this same scenario over and over again.
sunwoo quickly jogs near him and lightly taps his cheek to wake him up, “hyung,”
chanhee opens his eyes, drowsy and bloodshot. the tip of chanhee’s lips curl at the sight of the man in front of him.
“sunwoo, my sunwoo, you’re here,” he says incoherently as he opens his arms towards the younger.
“yes i am, let’s get you home now,” he says softly. he holds chanhee’s shoulders to help him get up. he wants to nag at chanhee for only bringing a trench coat despite the weather, but he doesn’t. instead, he removes his thickly padded jacket and puts it on chanhee without saying a word.
as the place is located at a narrow alley, sunwoo has to walk chanhee until the main road to get him a cab. chanhee, visibly drunk and wasted, can’t walk properly even with sunwoo’s guide.
“hyung, get on my back,” sunwoo sighs as he drops low in front of the older so he could hop on his back.
“oh, my sunwoo is gonna piggyback me! it’s been such a long time!” chanhee’s jumbled words come out of his mouth as he laughs excitedly. he quickly places himself on sunwoo’s back and gently wraps his thin arms around sunwoo’s neck. on the other hand, sunwoo slings his arms towards chanhee’s legs to keep him in place.
everything feels too familiar and sunwoo hates it. because it’s not real. because chanhee’s not sober. because chanhee’s only drunk.
“sunwoo, do you not miss me?” sunwoo can feel chanhee’s lips on his ear, he doesn’t answer, and chanhee continues, “because i do, i miss you,”
sunwoo clenches his jaw and gulps. he tells himself, he’s drunk, he’s only saying empty words, he doesn’t mean it, but a huge part of him wants to believe. he wants to believe that maybe chanhee does mean it, that they could all just put the past behind and start over again.
“sunwoo, you’re such a jerk,” chanhee says again this time, putting a finger on the younger’s cheek.
“you’re the one who broke up with me,” sunwoo lets out a faint scoff and mutters under his breathe.
chanhee stays silent for a while, then he speaks again. this time, it’s different, his voice is low and tiny, and full of sorrow as he snuggles sunwoo closer to him.
“sunwoo, i love you,”
when sunwoo got home, he quickly lays on his bed and covers his face with his hands. he wants to cry, he wants to scream, he wants to be angry. but he can’t, he just feels empty. he heaves a sigh, hoping all of his feelings would just easily disappear like a bubble being popped.
after twenty minutes or so, sunwoo’s phone pings.
chanhee hyung: i jyst got hpme thakn u
alright, take a shower before you go to sleep, goodnight hyung: sunwoo
on the same day the following week, sunwoo isn’t receiving any texts. he has lost count on how much he checked his phone already to see if chanhee has texted him yet.
he doesn’t know what to feel, should he be worried? should he be at peace? he feels complicated, it’s like there’s a knot on his stomach.
there are a lot of possibilities on why chanhee isn’t texting him. one, he’s drunk dead somewhere and is probably knocked out. two, he texts someone else that isn’t sunwoo. three, he finally got himself together and decided not to drink, which also implies that he has decided to completely move on.
sunwoo doesn’t know which is better from the three.
sunwoo do not think he’ll be able to sleep peacefully tonight, so he stands up from his bed and gets a coat to check chanhee's usual drinking place. as he opens the door, he sees a familiar figure curled up in a corner only a meter away from him.
hearing the sound of the door open, the boy looks up, his face all flushed, and smiles when he sees the person he’s been waiting for, “sunwoo,”
“hyung,” the shock on his voice is prominent as he blinks in surprise. he just stands there as if his feet are glued on the ground, he doesn’t move nor take a step towards chanhee.
chanhee’s smile gradually drops, tears are pooling in his eyes, “why do you not welcome me anymore like you used to before?”
sunwoo feels every word stab him in his chest. he feels a tight lump on his throat. god, if only you knew.
“back then, whenever i’d come see you, you’d welcome me with a bright smile and a gentle voice, and embrace me with your warmth, but now,” chanhee’s voice is trembling, he stops to inhale some air as he feels suffocated, “but now all i feel is coldness... you’ve changed,”
chanhee wipes his tears before diving his face on his knees, his sobs are silent but the vibration of his shoulders are evident.
this is a first. the very first time sunwoo has ever seen chanhee cry. and it badly hurts. god, it fucking does. sunwoo feels like his heart is being ripped into million of pieces. no matter how much he hates seeing chanhee cry, he can’t do anything about it. because they broke up, because he’s the reason chanhee’s crying.
sunwoo removes his gaze from chanhee. it’s too much. it’s all too much. he gulps but the tight lump on his throat isn’t going anywhere. he looks up, trying to keep his tears in his eyes, he puts a hand on his mouth to cover a sob from coming out. but a single tear escapes from his eye, he quickly wipes it and walks towards the older’s spot.
he puts his hands on his shoulders and makes him stand up. chanhee faces him with his whole face puff and red, his eyes are glassy.
sunwoo cups his cheeks and a plants a chaste kiss on chanhee’s forehead, “let’s get you home, okay?” he says delicately. chanhee holds his arms and nods softly with his eyes closed.
later that night, sunwoo receives a message.
chanhee hyung: i just got home, thank u
okay, shower before you sleep
also hyung
?we broke up, remember
i’m in no position to always take you home anymore, you know that very well: sunwoo
he has mustered up all of his courage to end everything once and for all. because if this continues, it will only end up hurting chanhee more. the wound on his chest would never heal and would only get infected until it rots. sunwoo doesn’t want that. he’d rather see chanhee be happy with another person even if it kills him, than to see him be miserable in his own arms.
sunwoo doesn’t get a reply. he puts his phone down on the desk near his bed and cries himself to sleep.
the next day, sunwoo hears the doorbell while he’s sipping on he’s coffee. he opens the door and is meet by the person he least expects to come.
“hyung, what are you doing here?”
“we need to talk,” chanhee’s voice is little and gentle.
sunwoo and chanhee sits at coffee table facing each other. the last time chanhee sat in the same exact place was when he came over and slept for the night, it was when sunwoo showered him with kisses as soon as he woke up and prepared him a breakfast, it was when they still had control over their problems. sitting at the same exact spot, with a whole lot different scenario pricks sunwoo's heart.
“i just want to say that i’m really sorry,” chanhee doesn’t dare to look at sunwoo, instead, he looks down on his lap as he fiddle with his fingers under the table, “about everything, i promise i’ll stop now, i’ll never do it again, you’ll never hear from me again,”
sunwoo inhales, of course, this is what it’s about. silly him for thinking otherwise. it’s for the better, they’re better off this way. separated from each other, so that they won’t cause one another any pain anymore, “it’s okay,”
and then comes the silence. until chanhee speaks.
“but why do you always take me home? you know you could’ve just ignored my messages,” he looks up and stares at sunwoo’s eyes, trying to look for answers.
sunwoo chuckles and gives him a sad smile. he tears his gaze away from him, “you know the answer to that very well too,”
i still love you. always.