Chapter Text
"Hello, book lovers," Andrew said to the camera. He'd tried to have someone else film him, briefly, but for all Nicky's experience with Snapchat stories, his hands got shaky when he started laughing and the footage was unusable. From then on, Andrew had stuck with his trusty pile of books and various other household objects to make a passable tripod.
And, of course, a ring light. He'd been informed by many people that it was absolutely essential.
"As you know, I constantly strive to improve the experience of my loyal subscribers and hate-watchers." Andrew sighed and let his glasses slip down his nose. "Many of you have informed me that you wish to see a Q&A video. For those of you who are not so inclined, let me be the one to share the knowledge that Q&A stands for Question and Answer."
The pocket square in his tweed suit jacket was actually a glasses cleaning cloth, and Andrew took this moment to remove his glasses and carefully clean them before putting them back on.
He tossed the cloth behind him. Neil and Nicky were back there somewhere doing various strongman poses, or they would be soon. One of them would find something to do with it.
"And because of my constant striving for this nigh-unattainable goal, I have decided to answer some of your questions. As always, if you enjoy this video, absolutely do not subscribe, because there will never be another one like it."
He paused to take a sip of chocolate milk. This time, he'd put a silly straw directly into the carton instead of pouring it into a wine glass as usual. He was wondering if anyone would comment on it. "And now, on to the questions."
The questions themselves were written on a pack of neon orange flashcards that he'd stolen from Kevin for this exact purpose. Allison was responsible for the drawings on the sides that would face the camera. Who knew all that brushwork with cream eyeshadow would make her a decent artist?
(Andrew had.)
He picked up the first card. This one, he knew, was decorated with several lobsters in different colors of Magic Marker. "The first question is this. What books have made me cry?"
Andrew let his brow furrow before muttering to himself, just loud enough to be audible, "What's a book?" and letting the flashcard fly backwards over his shoulder. "An intriguing first question, although I'm not sure why you would ask me. On to the next one."
This one, he was pretty sure, was the one that had an eerily accurate ballpoint pen rendition of Pennywise the clown on it. "Are you ever going to bring back the French guy?"
Not if Jean had any say in the matter. Apparently, having one chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey read to him by Andrew at seven in the morning was too much to handle. "The Frenchman found that American literature disagreed with his delicate constitution." Andrew tucked that flashcard into his suit pocket, making sure the side with the clown continued to face outward.
Time for another sip of chocolate milk.
He heard wheels squeaking behind him. Hm. Either Aaron was bringing out the whiteboard or Matt had decided to reintroduce the kiddie car to Andrew's YouTube channel. It didn't matter to Andrew one way or another— no matter what happened behind him, he would simply continue to answer these questions. Even if something was set on fire.
Especially if something was set on fire.
Then he heard someone uncapping a whiteboard marker. Aaron, then. Hopefully he'd actually make his diagrams loosely based on what was happening around him this time.
"Ah, and our third question is in fact about that literary behemoth, Fifty Shades of Grey. What did I think of its ending?" Andrew paused to give that some thought (he had not, after all, finished the book) before he said, "Well, by the time I got to the last few pages, I had fully entered a hallucinative state and was discussing war propaganda with Elmo of Sesame Street fame, but from what I remember it was rather soggy."
Let them make of that what they wanted.
He could hear Aaron's marker squeaking against the whiteboard, as well as hurried footsteps in the back that made him think that Nicky was planning something.
Andrew flung the flashcard backward as hard as he could and imagined it smacking directly into Aaron's head. He wouldn't know what it had hit until he edited the video, of course, but his backwards aim had gotten a lot better over the past few months.
"A-squared plus b-squared equals according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly," Aaron muttered in a way that indicated to Andrew that he had probably hit his mark.
"Next question," Andrew said. There were only a few left in the deck— he didn't want to drag this out too long and let the others waste all their creative inspiration on a Q&A video. He'd do a part two later if this one got enough attention— there were plenty of other questions to fuel it. "Why did I start this YouTube channel?" He probably couldn't pull another 'what's that' in the same video, so he said, "I was banned from doing this in Walmart. YouTube was the next best choice to spread my message."
More squeaking wheels. Running footsteps, a distinctly Aaron-ish yelp, and the sound of bodies hitting the floor. Andrew would bet money that Neil had just taken him out with a flying tackle.
"This next one came up frequently," he said as he pulled out the second-to-last flashcard. "Why do all the authors you interview look so similar? Are they just the same person dressed in different outfits?" (They weren't just outfits. Sometimes Aaron consented to let Allison do his hair too. Once he'd agreed to contouring, and watching him try not to squirm as Allison put stuff all over his face had been one of the more entertaining experiences in Andrew's recent past. And, of course, they weren't always Aaron. He'd flat-out refused to impersonate E.L. James, so they'd had to let a sock puppet, voiced by the wonderfully accommodating Jeremy, do the job.)
Andrew looked into the camera and heaved a disappointed sigh. "Honestly, I spend a lot of time working to find authors who are willing to let me interview them. With how much effort I put into it, I'm a little hurt that anybody could think they were all the same person and that I was hoodwinking every single one of my loyal subscribers and hate-watchers. Not to mention the casual viewers. They're the only people with sense."
He carefully rolled up that flashcard and stuck it in the end of his silly straw. He was going to dump the rest of the chocolate milk into a proper mug after this anyway.
"And now we find ourselves at the nadir of this video, the final question." Andrew waved the card at the screen and pretended not to notice Nicky kidnapping his chocolate milk (although if Nicky tried to steal it from him, there would be consequences). "This one inquires as to whether this is a serious YouTube channel or a satire." Andrew looked directly into the camera without letting his face move a muscle and stared for a few seconds before saying, "This one must have been from a first-time viewer."
He could hear someone writing on the whiteboard again, but it definitely wasn't Aaron— Andrew could just see him in his peripheral vision, pouting at Neil, who, Andrew noticed, was holding his chocolate milk. Good. Neil was the only person here who definitely wouldn't drink it. But with regards to the whiteboard, Matt and Nicky were nowhere in sight, and neither was Kevin, which meant they were all possible suspects.
Well, he'd find out soon enough.
Andrew set down the last flashcard on the side table where his chocolate milk used to be and said, "I hesitate to thank you for those questions. Kindly do not subscribe. If I get any more, YouTube will start sending me money, and I refuse to admit to the IRS that I spend a majority of my work week on this channel. With that, do your best to enjoy the rest of this day. And remember, if the author's last name is Butt, it is definitely worth your money."
He stared at the camera for a few moments to let that sink in before turning it off, and then went to retrieve his chocolate milk.
Another video down, only one a week for the foreseeable future to go.