Chapter Text
It was a brisk Saturday morning. Yugi awoke to the smell of bacon. Normally, this would be considered pleasant; however, Yugi lived with his grandpa. And his grandpa was not supposed to be eating bacon. His doctor had told him after his tenth visit to the hospital with the same problem. His cholesterol has become dangerously high. Yugi groaned and cursed under his breath. This day was already a disaster, and it was only 5:30 AM.
Yugi ran down the hall and nearly fell down the stairs. Stupid baby socks.
You should be kinder to your socks, Yugi. They might be seeking revenge after what you did to their brethren last night.
Shut the fuck up, Yami. I don’t have time for this. My grandpa’s doctor is going to kill me! The hospital has him on the DNR list as it is! I refuse to be responsible for his funeral. He is not even allowed to be an organ donor because his arteries are clogged with fat.
You—
Before Yami could speak another word, the gurgling sound of his grandpa’s voice filled the house. He was singing his own version of The Crew Cuts’ classic, “Sh-Boom” He replaced the words with Yugi. All of the words. Yugi banged his head on the wall intentionally before storming into the kitchen.
“Grandpa—”
“Sh-Yugi Sh-Yugi YUGI YUGI YUGI YUGI—
“Grandpa! What the fuck are you doing?” Yugi seethed. “Your doctor told you YESTERDAY to stop eating all of this bacon! You just got your arteries unclogged for the eighth time in a row. You just had your tenth gastric bypass surgery. I can’t believe you! Our insurance—if we even have it still—is going to drop us! Again!”
“Good morning, grandson!” Solomon said, flipping a slice of bacon on the pan. Smoke was filling the kitchen. He liked to cook his bacon to the point where it became charcoal. Suddenly, the fire alarm within the kitchen started to ring. BEEP BEEP BEEP.
“YUUUUGII? Who’s at the door?”
BEEP—
“Grandpa! That’s not coming from outside! It’s the fire alarm!”
BEEP BEEP BEEP—
“The WHAT? I can’t hear you, Grandson!”
“The FIRE ALARM! Are you kidding me?”
Solomon scratched his greasy head. Dandruff snowed all over the floor and into the pan. He liked the extra flavor. “The...fire alarm? I thought I removed those batteries the other day!”
Yugi’s blood pressure skyrocketed. Ocean. Think of the ocean. “Grandpa…” he breathed, “You can’t take the batteries out! You are accident prone, and we live with a literal pyromaniac! Don’t you remember when the pharaoh burned this place to the ground?”
“Yes, I do. What a nice young man. He suggested I remove the batteries from the carbon monoxide detectors too, what a helpful fellow. I don’t even know what carbon monoxide is!”
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP—
Yami! What the—Are you trying to kill my Grandpa with a gas leak?
There was no response.
Yugi tried to reel himself in yet again by thinking about the ocean and how he found that delicious piece of ham that had a slight taste of rum. It was the only happy memory he could think of.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP—
“Yugi! Help your grandpa cook this smoked bacon.”
“No! Grandpa, turn off the stove now! You’re not supposed to be eating this! You practically burned it to a crispy anyway!”
“That’s the secret, Yugi!”
The stove then caught on fire. “OH, NO!!!!!”
“YUUUUUUUUUGI WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOOOOOOOO?!” Grandpa shrieked in fear. “At this rate, there will be no grease left!”
Easy work! Let’s leave, Yugi.
“No, Yami! We have to help my stupid, greasy grandpa!”
“I love you too, Grandson!”
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP—
Grandpa then smashed the fire alarm with his bare, meaty, sweating hands. The fire stopped immediately, leaving a pool of thick grease into the burnt stove. The bacon, however, was burned to charcoal. Just how he liked it. The smell of burnt bacon and thick grease reminded him of his childhood.
“.....How did you do that, Grandpa?”
“My dandruff quenched the flames, Yugi! Just like baking soda!”
“I...am going to throw up, Grandpa.”
“MMMMMMMM!” His grandpa drank the greasy bits of…“food.”
“Yugi, before you go potty, have some of this delicious bacon grease. It’ll make your bones strong.”
“.....No. I don’t want to end up in the ICU like you!”
You should give it a try, Yugi.
Are you serious right now? Shut the fuck up you stupid Pharaoh! I’m literally your host, if I go down, so do you!
I hope your pathetic Grandfather shoves his bacon grease down your throat.
“GET OUT!” Yugi roared out-loud, tearing his Millenium Puzzle off of his neck—chains and all—and throwing it directly at his Grandpa’s sweaty face. Luckily for his grandpa, he missed and instead broke the microwave (which was also covered in grease residue). He retrieved his puzzle—which fortunately wasn’t damaged— before running outside of the kitchen towards the entrance of the Game Shop.
Only to be faced with none other than Ryou Bakura at quarter to 6 in the morning.
BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“Oh, hello Yugi!” Bakura smiled. “Why, I was on my 5 AM walk, as I do every Saturday, and I came across your lovely Game Shop, which appears to be open! How is your... Grandpappi , is it?”
“I don’t have time for your shit right now, dumbass Bakura —”
“Why, Yugi! Such language! I’m hurt.”
Indeed.
“YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIII,” his Grandpa bellowed like an obese sea lion. “COME DRINK THIS GREASE.”
“Did he just say...grease?” Bakura frowned.
Yugi ignored him and dragged the poor British boy into the Game Shop. Grandpa aggressively waddled towards them, embracing Bakura into a sweaty hug. Bakura squirmed like a worm.
“Grandson! You’ve come back!” He cheered.
“Mr….Grandpappi, I’m not —”
Bakura was then dragged by Grandpa into the kitchen. Now it was time for Yugi to escape. He ran and ran, not looking back. He got a few blocks away before he had to stop. His little legs were protesting too much.
Yugi...I thought Bakura was your friend.
There was a moment of silence, and then both Yugi and Yami burst out laughing.
That was a good one, Yami. Okay, we’re free men—man...now I guess. What should we do for the rest of the day?
You have your deck, right?
Yeah…
There’s your answer. Go duel that pigeon.
I hate you! Damn it, spirit! We were finally getting along and starting to form a slightly healthy relationship, and you make fun of me and that BIRD like that? What the fuck? I was being NICE. I am NICE. I’m a good person, Yami!
Yugi looked wistfully off to the horizon, ignoring Yami’s bitching. He hummed the same song his grandpa had been singing before. Then he felt nauseous thinking about the grease. At least having one little pan of burnt bacon wouldn’t be immediately life-threatening.
The Game Shop then exploded into a raging fire for the second time in the past month.
Ah...Now what was it you said about being a good person, Yugi?
“Fuck!” Yugi shouted. “What the hell just happened?!”
Meanwhile, in the Game Shop…
“Mr. Muto, I appreciate your kind offer, but I don’t want this...bacon grease.” Bakura shrugged away.
“No need to be so formal, Yugi! It tastes better than it smells!” Grandpa cheered. He slobbered his tongue over his grease slicked plate and began to moan obnoxiously. “It’s like the Massage Envy essential oils, but for my stomach…. mmm, ” he huffed the grease deeply, inhaling its burnt scent. “This is worth the clogged artery, Yugi!”
Bakura needed an escape plan, but couldn’t think of one with the overwhelming smell of burnt bacon, grease, and the fire alarm still beeping. It was going off for over an hour. Bakura was already dizzy from the fumes and potential carbon monoxide poisoning. Both the ones coming from the smokey bacon, and the ones being emitted from the sweaty elderly man in front of him. He braced himself using the kitchen table. “Sir...I think I have
a meeting to go to…”
“But Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugi, I thought we were going to use the leftovers to make burnt bacon stew. We have a ton of bacon grease saved over the year. The grease is so thick it’s as hard as a rock in the fridge now, but warming it up by rubbing it on your belly should do the trick.”
Solomon went on to demonstrate, while Bakura was in complete terror with what was going on. Just then, Tristan decided to stop in to say good morning to the Mutos.
“How’s my favorite—” Tristan paused as he saw Solomon rubbing bacon grease over his stretched stomach, while Bakura sat there in sadness, and their kitchen half-burnt due to the fire from earlier. He immediately walked out and ran away. Tristan Taylor was certainly not involving himself in this latest disaster today, no-sir-ree.
Bakura groaned in exasperation as Solomon’s bacon grease began to melt on his stomach.
“Uhm, I have to use the men’s room. Where can I find it, Mr. Muto?”
“Yugi, you should know where your own bathroom is. We had this talk last night. Did you wet your baby starlight pajamas again?” Grandpa chuckled.
Just as Bakura scuffled away to the “bathroom”, the smell of gas abruptly arrived into the kitchen. Solomon obviously couldn’t detect the smell, due to the bits of bacon grease that found their way into his nose over the years.
“What a lovely morning this turned out to be! I think I’m going to open up the window to let in some fresh air! Or maybe, I’ll light ten candles!” Grandpa smiled.
He walked to the window and opened up to let the whole world smell his creation. His neighbors screamed at the sight of his naked, sweaty body. His thin robe offered no protection. “Now, where are those matches?” He found the pack of matches and as he moved to light the first candle, the smallest drop of grease rolled down from his beard, to his hand, then to his finger, into the match. The grease accumulated every single flammable chemical over the past year.
“SH-YUGI SH-” He lit the match.
BOOOOM! Coupled with the high level of gas (Tristan was unconscious from breathing it in), the fire caused a huge explosion. The curtains caught fire. The year’s collection of bacon grease erupted into flames. So did the chairs and table. Tristan awoke.
“Oh boy! Fireworks. Is it your birthday, Grandpa?”
Meanwhile, Evil Bakura kicked down the door from the bathroom. “Aha! I am here, fools! Here to burn down your — ” he paused. “What in the?”
“YUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!”
“Oh, no! Where is Yugi?” Tristan cried out, leaping onto Solomon to use his body as a shield from the fire. “Yugi, save us!” he shrieked. He ripped the pipe out from under the sink and began striking it against the wall. The wall collapsed, and he grasped at Grandpappi’s greasy shirt.
The Evil Bakura stared at the sight before him: a trembling, crying Tristan grasping onto a sweaty, greasy, meaty, revolting old man for dear life, who was also screaming and crying for his “stupid grandson” to rescue the day.
“I...suppose my work here is done. Too-da-lo, see you later Mr. Muto!”
As Evil Bakura walked away from the Game Shop, which was engulfed in flames, whistling. Yugi arrived on the scene. He wasn’t shocked that the Game Shop was on fire again. He was shocked, though, that Yami wasn’t responsible this time.
“Damnit, Grandpa!” He even saw Suspicious Malicious Evil British Bakura leave, but knew that this sloppy grease fire was his grandpa’s doing.
“Ugh, I guess we have to save grandpa again..” Yugi groaned. As he walked towards the entrance, however, a thought dawned upon him. He paused. Why in the hell should he be the one rescuing his fat Grandpa?
Yugi? Why are you standing still?
Because I’m not going to rescue my Grandpa in this grease fire. It’s time for a new era. A new era WITHOUT that greasy man. Do you know how much I pay for his hospital bills? Only for him to drink straight up grease every day? His doctors have threatened ME, like it’s my fault! He is alive but well into the rigor mortis phase.
LIVOR Mortis, Yugi! Are you kidding me? Do I pay more attention in your pathetic school than you? You know, this wouldn’t have happened if you just had a sip of your Grandpa’s bacon grease, Yugi. That poor man slaved over that bacon grease all morning and you pushed him away. Now look, your stupid Game Shop is on fire again.
Then you go do it! I take it back—I am a bad person! Your move, bitch.
Yami gasped.
Just before Yugi took his first baby step, he noticed a figure in the flames. It looked like an obese penguin emerging from the embers.
“....You can’t be serious.” Yugi shook his head.
It was indeed Grandpappi, carrying Tristan in his meaty, sweaty arms.
“YUUUUUUUUUUGI! Wake up, I saved you!”
The real Yugi looked on with disgust. They were still in the game shop. The year old bacon grease he lathered onto his stomach like thick body lotion from Bath & Body Works acted as an unbreakable shield from the flames. You would think that would make him more flammable, but combined with his PH, dandruff, flakes, liver spots, sweat stains, and fireproof clothes that Yugi forced him to wear, he was essentially immune from burns.
“GRANDPA! I’m literally standing right here in front of you!” Yugi howled over the flames.
“Oh! There you are, my grandson!” Solomon then dropped Tristan onto the floor, who screeched in pain. “Oops…” he muttered. “Who are you?”
“Tristan! Tristan Taylor! ”
“Oh, the blonde girl?”
“What —NO! That’s Mai Valentine!”
“Who?”
Tristan groaned and jumped onto Grandpa’s back like a sweaty horse. “Yeeeeehawww!! Get us through these flames!”
Grandpa neighed and galloped through the flames.
As Grandpappi and Tristan rode off into the bright morning, Joey wandered next to Yugi. Furry suit and all.
“Uh..Yuge, why is your Grandpa’s shop in flames again? And Tristan riding him like a horse or somethin?” Fire trucks began to swarm the collapsing Game Shop.
WEE-WOO WEE-WOO
“Oh no, Yugi! Your baby starlight pajamas were in there! Those were limited edition!” Grandpa shrieked, still giving Tristan a free pony ride.
“Who cares about my pajamas? The money is in there, you fat hog! Pegasus isn’t going to refinance it this time!”
“Pegasus? Hog? I am a PONY, Yugi! Pay attention to meeeeee!”
Yugi seethed and stormed away to pace back and forth. He just needed some space from his pony grandpa who smelled disgusting and clearly had no grasp on the current situation.
As the flames roared, Solomon’s bacon grease that he stored over the past year started to explode.
“OH, NO!” Grandpa screamed. He fished a flash of vodka from the pocket under his man breasts. Like how a kangaroo carries their young, Grandpa carries the essentials within his folds. “I knew I shouldn’t have mixed it with my gun powder…”
“Ooooooooh, is it your birthday?” Joey spoke with excitement.
Grandpa sipped from his flask briefly before chucking it into the flame explosion. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
“GRANDPA! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”
“ A pony my age doesn’t have to deal with fires, Yugi!”
Just as Yugi was about to walk away from his Grandpa forever, he heard water crashing into the Game Shop. As he turned around, he saw none other than Mako Tsunami, standing in the remains of the Game Shop.
To be continued...