Work Text:
Title: Where's The Poop?
Author: Beer Good
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother, shortly post-series (original broadcast ending)
Characters: Ted, the Kids
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Toilet humour
Word count: ~500
Summary: Shortly after the series finale, Ted has to check into the hospital. And then Ted has to explain why he had to check into the hospital. Turns out it started way back in 2005...
Where's The Poop?
"Kids, in the spring of 2030 I finally got together with Robin again after asking your permission..."
"We know, Dad. It was like two months ago, and you took forever to tell the story."
"...And then I ran out, stole the blue French horn from the restaurant where we had our first date, and straight back to her place, where we spent all night - "
"DAD!"
"Sorry. But you know, something just struck me. Sometimes, you fall in love with someone or something and then you keep seeing it the way it was, no matter how much it's actually changed over the years."
"Is this about Aunt Robin? Because if we had to sit through all that just so - "
"No, I'm talking about the restaurant. When Robin and I went there on our first date way back in 2005, I guess we were in our 20s and never had too much money, but it looked pretty upscale to us. Really, any place with white tablecloths and waiters who didn't wear nametags seemed like five stars back then. When I went there two months ago, I didn't think too much about it; I just ran in, grabbed the horn, and high-tailed it out of there. But looking back... I mean, just the fact that the horn was still there. A Manhattan restaurant that hasn't redecorated in twenty-five years? And that wasn't the only thing. New York City banned smoking in restaurants in 2003, but back in 2005 we didn't really notice much since we both still smoked now and then. But if a place still has that slight smell about it 25 years later, if they still have the same wall-to-wall carpet, and come to think of it I think they even had the same menu..."
"So your favorite restaurant had gone downhill. What does this have to do with you being in the hospital?"
"Well, apparently when you hang a French horn in a not completely sanitary restaurant for 25 years, and only dust it off a little every few weeks, things start... growing in it. So when I tried to serenade Robin with 'Let's Go To The Mall'..."
"Dad... are you saying you have, like, salmonella? Are you going to be OK?"
"Well, the doctors aren't completely sure what I have. They say they've never seen a bacterial culture this complex. Now, the good news is it doesn't seem to be life-threatening, but, well... Uh... Luke, pass me that bedpan? Quickly? Thanks. Unngggh."
"Oh god. Did you just take a..."
"Sorry."
"...In front of us?!"
"Again with the sorry. I can't really control it. They're not... sure I ever will be able to again. But they do great things with adult diapers these days. And maybe there's a lesson here, about how sometimes you make choices that seem like good ideas at the time, but turn out to be utter confetti later on."
"Wow. So... How has Aunt Robin's stance on diapers changed in the last 20 years?"
"Yyyyeah, funny you should ask..."