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It is Hoseok’s idea and Jungkook absently agrees without realizing that he’s being serious. Then, Hoseok sends him several links to check out and a spreadsheet of places he wants to hit. Jungkook stares at the little boxes blankly until it dawns on him that he will have to ask his parents for money. That feeling sucks, but so does the thought of turning Hoseok down, so he swallows his nearly nonexistent pride and asks his parents for some spare cash.
“You should really get a proper job, Jungkook,” his father says while writing him the check. “You can't keep living like this forever.”
Jungkook is twenty-two and well aware of the implications. But when his life is as directionless as this, he can't bring himself to think about what to do next.
“I know, abeonim,” he says, like every time before. His father peers at him suspiciously and Jungkook keeps his head down. “Thanks… abeonim.”
“How is that Hoseok kid doing, anyway? He's still going to grad school?”
Jungkook shrugs, not because he doesn't care but because he is pretending not to care. He also doesn’t actually know, which is irking him more than he lets on. “He’s doing fine. I’ll be back in a week or two, probably.”
“Alright, stay safe, have fun.”
He waves his hand and trudges off, he doesn't make any promises he isn't one hundred percent positive he can keep.
☼
Picture this: Hoseok, tanned and freckled, a sunshine smile on his face that rivals the brightness of his lime green shorts. His suitcase is large and hard-shelled with a bunch of smiley faces plastered to the sides. Everything about Hoseok feels loud and captivating. Jungkook can feel his heart rate pick up, a pulse that sputters to life whenever he sees him; he feels like he can’t look away. Even after all this time, nothing has changed.
“Wow, that is one butt ugly car you got there, Jungkookie!” Hoseok pulls up his shades as Jungkook rolls down the window. “The rental company scammed you. I hope you got a discount.”
Jungkook grimaces weakly as he squints through the window of the Nissan Cube. “That, and I think the Freon is low because the AC isn’t working for shit.”
Hoseok lifts his suitcase into the back and slides into the passenger seat. “Jesus,” he holds his hand up to the air vent. “This is basically hot air. My sunscreen is going to melt off and I’ll have sunspots by Nevada.”
Jungkook laughs. He hasn’t done that in a while, it feels foreign and sounds forced even though it isn’t. No one has made him laugh like Hoseok in a long time.
“Hey, Jungkook?” Hoseok sits across the console from him, light brown hair framing his face in a way that reminds Jungkook of an angel’s halo, “it’s really good to see you again.”
He blushes and ducks his head, staring at his lap instead. “You too, hyung. I missed you.” The Korean word slips out by accident, developed from old habits back in college. Hoseok doesn’t bat an eye.
“Aw, Jungkookie, too cute!” Hoseok claps his hands. “Shall we get going?”
Jungkook tries not to take Hoseok’s words too seriously. He has a habit of saying stuff that doesn’t mean anything no matter how badly Jungkook wants it to. He flashes Hoseok a smile and changes the gear to drive. He pulls away from the airport traffic and back out onto the street, following the navigation system built into the car out onto the highway while Hoseok connects his phone to the Bluetooth stereo.
“Okay,” Hoseok announces, “I spent all last night working on this playlist.” The first chords of Highway to Hell rip through the speaker. Jungkook sends Hoseok a confused look. “Don’t give me that look! These are classics! Okay? Classics. I’m channeling Windows Rolled Down On Our 1970s Cadillac Convertible vibes. Stop pooping on my vibe.”
“I wasn’t pooping on your vibe,” Jungkook protests with a snort. Hoseok doesn’t believe in curse words. Jungkook admires his self-discipline. “I didn’t know you listened to music like this. It’s…old school?”
“Oh, I never listen to music like this. But it’s cool, right?” Hoseok nods excitedly, “It’s the beauty of rock and roll.”
“The beauty?” Jungkook tilts his head. “In streaked eyeliner and cigarette smoke?”
“It’s all in the nuance of aesthetic, my dear Jungkookie. It’s freedom, living wild, not giving a crap about the world.”
Jungkook giggles. “Okay, hyung.” He doesn’t know what any of it really means. Aesthetic isn’t a concept he has thought a lot about. Except maybe the aesthetic of Hoseok’s wrists and his heart-shaped smile.
☼
The beauty of Hoseok is that he defies all laws of the physical world. Or so Jungkook believes. He has an alarmingly fresh perspective on life but he isn’t untethered, happily rooted to the earth, arms extended to the sun. He works hard for the things that matter and stands his ground without apology. Jungkook wishes he understood the formula to Hoseok’s particular brand of happiness but supposes it will remain a mystery.
The beauty of Hoseok is also in the color of his laugh, the crinkle in his eyes, and the curve of his spine. Jungkook believes in that beauty too, even if he doesn’t say it.
He has known Hoseok since freshman year of college when Hoseok volunteered to be his mentor buddy in Taekwondo Club to encourage the youngsters to stay in the club and not get scared off by the seniors. The moment he had set eyes on Hoseok, leaving was the last thing that crossed his mind. They had bonded over being Korean-American, Hoseok let Jungkook call him hyung, and their friendship evolved from club activities to study dates (that were not exactly dates much to Jungkook’s disappointment) to other wild adventures that Hoseok dragged him into. He would never forget a certain trip downtown for some late-night karaoke that ended up with them high as kites on the green at four am, talking about the philosophy of school and videogame strategy.
When Hoseok had graduated at the close of Jungkook’s freshman year, Jungkook cried ugly tears and told him he didn’t want to continue college if his favorite hyung (“Aren’t I your only hyung?”) wasn’t there. But he did, the years passed, and closeness between them began to stretch as wide as the physical distance that separated them.
It was when Hoseok texted him out of the blue, after nearly a year of radio silence, hey!!! let’s go on a road trip!!, Jungkook knew something was up. He didn’t know what, but he knew he couldn’t let this pass him by. The world was giving him a second chance at Hoseok. A second chance at orbiting his dazzling presence, being pulled in by his light.
“I’m glad we’re doing this,” Jungkook murmurs as they drive. “What brought it on? I thought you were in the middle of getting your doctorate?”
Hoseok laughs and says, “Because, why not?” He makes it seem like it is the most obvious thing in the universe and Jungkook is ready to believe him. “I had some time off and I needed a change of scenery. Plus, I missed you too. Our time was too short, don’t you think?”
Jungkook nods blankly. Hoseok missed him. He thinks back to the reason why their communication fell through and a horrible streak of guilt bubbles up. The beginning of his senior year was a rough time for him, he officially hated his major, he barely had the energy to get up and eat, nevermind texting people back. Even his favorite people.
“I’m sorry,” Jungkook says quietly. “That we lost touch, I mean, it’s my fault.” He is afraid to take his eyes off the road.
It suddenly feels odd that they are here, on this journey together for the next two or so weeks without addressing the fact that so much time has passed. How much can time change a person? A lot, probably. Is he the same Jungkook that Hoseok knew from freshman year? Most definitely not. Is Hoseok the same? Also unlikely.
“It’s not.” Hoseok waves his hand. “Friendships are two-way. I let things get away from me too, please, don’t apologize.” It doesn’t change the fact that he feels sorry for the way things ended.
“Okay,” he says instead.
“We’re here now, making up for lost time, right?”
“Right.” Lost time. Jungkook knows the concept intimately. If life is one big road trip, then maybe he’s the car still sitting in the service garage, waiting to be dusted off and restored. All of the time in the world, passing him by.
Hoseok begins to talk about burritos and how delicious they are in some local restaurants in LA, particularly the really good places that make the Pico de Gallo using a family recipe. Jungkook listens and thinks in passing that Hoseok did not give a clear answer to why he had suddenly reappeared in Jungkook’s life, but he doesn’t think too hard about it. He’s just glad that Hoseok is back.
☼
Picture this: Hoseok standing under the Gateway Arch as sunset, the vibrant sky lit up behind him like a blazing fire. Jungkook is convinced Hoseok is part-human and part-God from the way he effortlessly exists on a plane that seems to stand apart from the mundaneness of reality.
“Did you get the picture?” Hoseok asks, teeth bared in the small window of Jungkook’s phone camera, looking like he’s biting off one of the legs of the arch.
“Yeah,” Jungkook says, laughing, “and it looks ridiculous! Now, take one of me.” He isn’t much of a tourist and doesn’t really care for these kinds of things, but what Hoseok wants Hoseok gets, and who is Jungkook to say otherwise? He doesn’t want to pass up the opportunity to have silly matching pictures with Hoseok though. He will use them to remember this, a time when his world became alight with sparkling eyes and breathtaking laughter. He knows it will end soon, so he wants to treasure it as much as possible.
Hoseok cackles at Jungkook’s pose. He does the same one as Hoseok first, chomping down on the foot of the arch. Then, he raises up his hands so he’s holding the arch in his palms and pretending to flex like he is struggling to deadlift it over his head.
“Give me a Growl Face,” Hoseok yells, “you’re the defending medalist for weightlifting and the rep from China that’s four inches shorter than you is about to win!”
Jungkook bursts out a wheezing laugh. “If he’s that much shorter, wouldn’t he be in a lower weight class?”
“You underestimate China’s thighs!” Hoseok says back. Jungkook recomposes himself, puts on his best Growl Face to Hoseok’s utter delight. He also feels his heart thump wildly at the way Hoseok’s face blossoms with laughter.
“Let’s get one together!” Hoseok flips the camera to selfie mode and Jungkook jogs back to join him, standing over his shoulder and pointing up at the arch behind them. Jungkook both loves and hates how good they look together: cheeks pressed together, Jungkook’s chin dipped on Hoseok’s shoulder, their smiles wide and bright. “Nice!”
Jungkook accepts his phone back from Hoseok, who instructs him to send him the pictures later.
“Let’s go, I’m starving!”
“Do you know any places to eat?” Jungkook says as he follows him back to the car. “I’ve never been to Missouri before. Never in my life did I think I would be here, honestly.”
“No clue,” Hoseok shoots him a thumbs up. “We’re trailblazers, Jungkookie. The world has a way of bringing you to places you’d never expect to be. Maybe it’s a coincidence, maybe it’s destiny.” He shrugs and gestures to the sky. “But regardless, part of the beauty of life is in the mystery!”
Jungkook doesn’t know what to say to that, but it sounds profound so he smiles and wishes Hoseok would keep talking. Hoseok talks a lot about the beauty of things and Jungkook likes listening. Half of it he understands, the other half remains unsolved. Jungkook hopes he will understand it all someday.
But, perhaps the beauty of the things Hoseok talks about, like the beauty of Hoseok himself, will remain unknown. And Jungkook is okay with that too.
☼
Jungkook glances at the odometer sometime between day three and day four and notices that they have already traveled over a thousand miles. They are halfway through Kansas and Hoseok’s next stop is the Continental Divide. Jungkook isn’t sure what to expect because he hasn’t thought much about the middle of America. Naively, he thought there isn’t much worth seeing out here. But so far, Hoseok has proven him wrong.
The last few nights had gone over without a hitch, him and Hoseok sharing rooms with separate beds, staring at the ceiling and talking late into the night about everything and nothing. For the last one thousand miles, they had avoided both the topic of Jungkook’s current unemployment, aside from the part-time job he held at the restaurant in town, and Hoseok’s impromptu “time off” from graduate school that Jungkook isn’t sure is even a thing that exists for grad students. He doesn’t want to be the one to start that conversation again.
Jungkook is humming along to Tequila when Hoseok sighs out long and heavy, and his usually squared shoulders roll in, hunched forward as he rests his elbow against the car door.
“How have you been? Like, really been?” Hoseok says softly and Jungkook has to strain to hear him over the sound of the engine.
“Hm? Oh, yeah, been okay.” Jungkook turns down the music to hear better.
“Is your dad still telling you to get a job?” Jungkook can feel the shift in energy inside the car, how it slows down even as the scenery continues to race by. He had told Hoseok a little bit of his situation, but not much out of fear… Of what? He isn’t sure. But he is scared.
He shrugs. “He’s not wrong. I really do need to get a job.”
“Well, it’s not like you don’t have one—”
“He means a real job. One that I can actually survive off of. A career. They're basically waiting for me to move out at this point.”
“You want to, right?”
“Of course I want to.” Jungkook grips the steering wheel stubbornly. “I just. I have no idea what I would do. And nothing is really sticking. I’m wondering if I should just get a job as a trucker or something.”
“Just you and the roads. Seems serene.” Jungkook doesn't know whether Hoseok is joking or not, but his lack of judgment makes Jungkook pause, touched by his quick acceptance. Frankly, Jungkook even doesn’t know if he’s joking himself, and that also scares him.
“I was thinking about something,” Jungkook smiles wryly at Hoseok. “If I were a car, I'd be the one sitting in the garage, tank empty, navigation system broken.”
“Hm.”
“What’s wrong with me, hyung?” His dry laugh sounds scratchy and painful.
Hoseok’s eyes soften. Jungkook looks back at the road. It’s too shameful to imagine how Hoseok might pity him. He doesn't know what that look is but he’s afraid it’s the one his mother sends him every time he comes down for breakfast at one pm.
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Jungkook. Why would you say that?”
He lets out a breath. “Nevermind, it’s nothing. I didn’t expect you to understand anyway.”
“Maybe I do,” Hoseok says absently, now staring directly at Jungkook’s profile while he drives. It is unnerving, having Hoseok’s undivided attention focused on his face, even if only half of it.
“Do you? You’re in grad school. I think you’re already halfway to your destination.”
Hoseok cocks his head. “I don’t know if I would call finishing grad school a final destination. Maybe a rest stop. Even then, that would be a hard sell.”
“What do you mean?”
Hoseok doesn’t say anything for a moment, thinking silently.
“If we were all cars, then maybe instead of having the beginning of life being point A and the end of life, or retirement or whatever, being point B what if we were on a race track instead. One big infinite loop. Time repeats itself, we get caught in the same things, the same snags, the same scenery. But each time we go around, we get a little bit faster, we learn the loop a little bit better. In the end, we all eventually reach the finish line, who cares how soon or how long it takes us to get there?”
“But,” Jungkook says quietly, “no offense, hyung, but that’s easy for you to say. Easy to say when you don’t understand how shitty it feels to be stuck behind the start line while you’re watching everyone else in your life floor the gas pedal.”
Hoseok blinks at him. He can see it in his peripheral vision. He can’t read Hoseok’s full expression, he doesn’t know if he wants to. He stares out at the asphalt and realizes he is holding his breath. He hasn’t admitted it to anyone, how terrible he feels with the way his life is. It sucks to admit that you’re stuck in the mud. It’s humiliating and scary.
Hoseok sighs and says, “I think I do understand. I probably should have told you this earlier, but I contacted you because I needed a change of pace, right?” Jungkook nods. “I actually—I decided to quit grad school.” Jungkook shoots him a quick look, but Hoseok has trained his eyes outside and the defeat is evident in the sag of his shoulders.
It is uncharacteristic of Hoseok, or rather, it is rare to see him like this. Jungkook hates it, not the way Hoseok is, but the fact that he can’t do anything about it.
“I’m—sorry,” Jungkook doesn’t know whether it’s appropriate to apologize for something like that, as a means of providing sympathy, so he finishes, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry that I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay,” Hoseok says, waving it off. “It’s not—don’t apologize, please. It was my own decision. I knew what I was doing.” He stops talking and Jungkook doesn’t press.
They drive in silence and Jungkook watches the odometer click upwards as they go.
“I think I’ve joined you at the start line,” Hoseok finally says with a small puff of laughter. “I went from a hundred to zero, real quick.”
Jungkook scoffs. “Did you just reverse that Drake reference?”
“Maybe.” Hoseok smiles. “Was it a good reference? Good, right? Made sense, right?”
Jungkook shakes his head as he chuckles. “Yeah, it was a good one, hyung.” In the back of his mind, he thinks: if life was a race track and they were cars, at least their odometers would read zero together.
☼
Picture this: Hoseok pointing through the windshield as they ascend the last large hill that lies between them and the Rocky Mountains. He’s frantically glancing between the view and his phone to read facts about the mountain range that looms up ahead of them on the I-70. Jungkook is only partially listening, more so getting lost in the lilt of Hoseok’s excitement, how it bursts out of him with such radiance.
“Look, there’s still snow at the top! At this time of year? Amazing, that’s so lucky!”
The Continental Divide is vast. It expands, a huge range of white-capped mountains, across the horizon as far as the eye can see. Jungkook has never seen anything like it.
“There’s like a vantage point,” Hoseok murmurs, squinting at his phone. “I think you can pull off up here… Oh yes, there! Follow that sign.”
Jungkook finds the one Hoseok is pointing to right away, a nice large sign indicating a viewpoint just off the I-70 before going through the Eisenhower Tunnel. He steers the car towards the exit ramp and up the crest. When he parks, Hoseok is quick to throw off his seatbelt and hop out to approach the edge.
“Please, be careful, hyung!”
Hoseok throws him a grin over his shoulder, “Always looking out for me, Jungkookie! You’re precious.”
Jungkook tries not to blush as he approaches. He notices the ledge is not so steep to warrant any concern and immediately feels foolish. “Ah, sorry. That was dumb. Ignore me.”
“I could never,” Hoseok replies easily, still appraising the view. Jungkook watches him. How he squints wistfully at the view. “What’re you looking at me for?” Hoseok sends him an amused look. “The view is over there.”
The beauty of Hoseok is better than any kind of view, Jungkook thinks, no matter where in the world Hoseok might try to take him. But he nods, trying not to give himself away, and stares out at the mountains instead.
“They’re pretty, right?”
“How long are we supposed to stand here and look until we can leave? Is there a socially acceptable grace period or something?”
Hoseok cackles and smacks Jungkook’s arm. “Good question. Give me your phone, I want to take some pictures before we leave.”
Jungkook snaps a couple pictures of Hoseok standing a little to the left of the snowy mountains with a wide smile plastered on his face. Then he flips the camera for selfies of which they take many with a peace sign or two.
When they get back into the car, the sun starts to feel scorching against his thighs through the windshield as mid-morning rolls around. The AC situation has them rolling the windows down to provide a breeze. The wind whips through them as they drive and Jungkook feels a little bit like he’s grown wings.
Hoseok rakes his hand through his hair and speaks above the roar of wind and the rumble of the engine. “You know, I’ve been telling myself this motto lately. It’s probably gonna bite me in the butt one day but. I keep telling myself: ah, graduate school. Higher education. It’s all a hoax.”
“It’s all a what?” Jungkook frowns and rolls up the window to hear better.
“It’s a hoax!”
Jungkook peers at him. ”Is it?”
Hoseok shrugs, “I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes it’s reassuring to think. Other times, not so much. But it could be argued that the concept of the future is a myth, we only have the present! Might as well love ourselves to the fullest while we’re in it.”
“The future is a myth? That makes zero sense.”
“The world makes zero sense. We must embrace it anyway. The line between free will and destiny is a thin one. We must do everything we can to push back.”
Jungkook still doesn’t get it and says as much.
“Listen, Jungkookie.” Hoseok casts him a bright smile like he’s about to share the world’s biggest secret. “If you treat life like a straight line with a bunch of destinations or even if you treat life like a loop with a marker for every lap, every time you’re in transit between the start and the finish, between one lap and the next, you’re living in limbo. You look behind at where you’ve been, and you look ahead at where you want to be. You look at everyone around you, who is catching up to you, passing you, or shooting ahead.
“You forget that every inch, every foot, every mile you’re moving through is still part of life, it’s still worth living and experiencing and enjoying for yourself. Like us, now, in this car. This time still exists, this moment. And while we exist now, in some sense, nothing else matters.”
We only have the present.
Jungkook thinks about yesterday’s conversation. He hasn’t come to any set conclusions yet, and maybe that’s okay. Life may not be a road trip, it doesn’t necessarily have destinations. It may sometimes be a race track but without any winners. According to Hoseok, the only thing that matters is here and now. Jungkook wants to believe he is right because here and now Hoseok is looking at him and Jungkook is looking back, and he hopes that this moment will never end.
☼
“Now,” Hoseok holds his hands out like he’s about to conduct a symphony. “If you thought the Continental Divide was huge, then you’re about to lose your heckin’ mind!”
Jungkook snorts at his choice of substitute curse word.
“I present to you,” he whirls around, throwing his arms up, “the Grand Canyon!”
Jungkook hides his face in embarrassment as a few nearby families peer over at Hoseok’s unexpected shout. “Hyung, you’re—”
“Hm?”
Jungkook is stunned into silence as Hoseok looks back at him, eyes wild and alive with awe. He doesn’t have the heart to continue his sentence. You’re beautiful? You’re ridiculous, and I’m so fucking in love with you. He shivers at the thought and shrugs, looking past Hoseok’s giddy expression at the canyon ledge just down the pathway from where they’ve parked.
“Nevermind. Let’s go see, lead the way.”
Hoseok skips off and Jungkook follows, wondering what magic Hoseok was blessed with to make him so ethereal and enchanting. His stomach turns at the thought of no magic being involved because that would mean Hoseok drew out all of the feelings and emotions inside him—ones that he didn’t even know existed—with just the power of his words and the rawness of his being.
The Grand Canyon stretches out before them, a huge chasm of red and orange and green. Standing on the edge makes him feel minuscule, like a single dot in the scope of the canyon. Hoseok looks on from beside him.
“Beautiful, right?”
Jungkook nods and doesn’t know how to put it into words. The Grand Canyon is unfathomably huge. He can’t see directly to the bottom from here, but when he looks across it, the depth appears to continue forever into infinity.
“That’s…a long way down,” Jungkook says offhandedly.
Hoseok looks at him, a mix between horrified and amused. “Dark, but true.”
They stand in the quiet, admiring the southern rim, feasting their eyes on every ridge and gap, the streaks of rock and bush, and then further out, the curves of the walls, shaped away by water and time. How much time must have passed to change something as immovable as the solid rock of the earth? Jungkook can’t even begin to imagine the centuries, the years, the hours, the seconds it took to mold that kind of permanence and committed change. Jungkook, who changes his mind every second of every minute, who can’t seem to pick anything to hold onto, who moves like water through life, slipping along the least resistant path.
“There’s something,” Hoseok starts, “so humbling about it, right?”
Jungkook nods and says, “It makes me feel alive.”
Hoseok looks at him, surprised. “Alive?”
“Yeah. It makes me feel like, wow, this is life, you know? Me, this tiny person, so inconsequential in comparison to something so huge and permanent.”
“Inconsequential. I like that. It’s reassuring.”
Jungkook bobs his head. “Yeah, I’m not sure how to describe it but. Yeah, reassuring.”
“It’s like what I’ve been saying,” Hoseok smiles ruefully, “nothing matters but here and now. In comparison to the grand scheme of the world and the timeline of the universe, how you and I fit in doesn’t really matter. If our lives end up being meaningless, if we have no motivation, so what? The world is bigger than the impact of our shortcomings or our failures.
“Perhaps the only thing that matters is that you gave yourself the chance to smile and laugh, to learn and explore…” He locks eyes with Jungkook, dark and intense. “To love.”
☼
Picture this: Hoseok, in all of his beauty, framed from behind by the majestic rise of the Bellagio, all white marble and pillars of stone. As if on cue, the giant water fountain explodes behind him in an array of loops and arcs. The beauty of Hoseok is that the world seems to fit in all the right ways when Jungkook is around him. Jungkook’s eyes can’t seem to tear themselves away from Hoseok, who is smiling at him and beckoning him forward.
Upon Hoseok’s reckless insistence, Jungkook caves and lets himself be convinced that it’s a good idea to splurge on their last night and spend it at the Bellagio Hotel, splitting the cheapest room between them. The clerk warns them it will be a room with a single queen-sized bed and Hoseok waves the issue off with a flick of his wrist. Jungkook feels his soul leave his body. Should he offer to sleep on the floor? Yeah, that’s what he’ll do.
They drop their stuff in their room and then Hoseok is quick to drag Jungkook out onto the street. It feels like college again, nineteen and caught up in the hurricane that is Hoseok. Hoseok, who laughs with his whole body. Hoseok, who is quick to get them completely wasted too early in the night.
“I was thinking about our car metaphors,” Hoseok says with a drunk giggle, “how ridiculous it is that we compare ourselves to cars. Humans are nothing like cars!”
Jungkook laughs so hard his eyes crinkle and he has to catch his breath before he can reply. “It was a dumb metaphor, wasn’t it? I just, since we’re on a road trip, it was the first thing that came to my mind.”
“It’s not dumb,” Hoseok squeezes Jungkook’s wrist, “just kind of silly. But that’s what I like about you, Jungkookie.”
Jungkook loses his train of thought because how does that make any sense? Hoseok is the one who is unapologetically silly, he’s the one who spares no care for the judgments of the world. That’s what Hoseok likes about him? He tries to restrict the flicker inside him that wishes Hoseok’s words meant more than what they were worth. That’s what I like about you, Jungkookie.
“In the grand scheme of cars,” Hoseok continues to slur, oblivious to Jungkook’s internal crisis, “maybe we are moving the universe forward, an amalgamation of all of the cars in existence, if infinitesimally. Um. I was going somewhere with this, but I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to say while I was saying it.” He laughs and Jungkook joins him because it really is ridiculous, them talking about being cars and thinking that it means something more than it really does.
Jungkook steps into the eye of the hurricane when Hoseok pulls him onto the dancefloor, tucking up against Jungkook with the pulse of the music. Jungkook’s guard falls somewhere between Hoseok’s collarbones and his seductive smile. He gets lost in the moment, the here and the now, on the dancefloor, kept alive by the heartbeat of the music.
We only have the present, he hears Hoseok’s words in his head as he pulls Hoseok around to face him.
The only thing that matters is that you gave yourself the chance to love, he repeats to himself as he cups Hoseok’s jaw and leans in to kiss him.
A million thoughts rush through his head at once: how soft Hoseok’s lips are, how he leans into Jungkook, how his hand grabs Jungkook’s hip, how they both taste like alcohol, and yet the moment feels completely sober. A millisecond extends for an hour, Hoseok’s lips feel like heaven and fire and everything beautiful in between.
Jungkook pulls away with a gasp as reality comes back to him. Guilt surges up his chest.
“I—hyung—”
But before he can say anything more, Hoseok pulls him back in by the collar of his shirt, smashing their lips together again. His kiss is hot and assertive; it captures Jungkook, reels him even further in, falling deeper into the love that swells inside of him. This kiss, Jungkook thinks, might’ve just risen to the top of his list of beautiful things about Hoseok.
That night, blurred by alcohol and overwhelming desire, Jungkook and Hoseok take all of the time in the world to unravel each other. Jungkook doesn’t know if anything has ever felt more right, being able to explore Hoseok’s beauty up close, to drink him in whole, and let himself go.
☼
Jungkook wakes up with a dry mouth and a pounding headache. Hoseok is already in the shower. Last night is a distant memory made vague by the copious amounts of alcohol they had consumed. He sighs and wonders where this puts them now.
Hoseok comes out of the shower and Jungkook dances around him for the rest of the morning, sluggish and quiet, not sure what to say because after throwing everything to the wind and embracing the moment, he still feels like he messed up. The world makes zero sense and Jungkook hates this particular part of the nonsense. He hates the way his heart feels like it’s being ripped out of his chest; hates that it’s still trying so desperately to jump into Hoseok’s hands.
No, he tells it, that’s not how the world works. They get in the car and turn on the music. Somewhere between passing the border of California and reaching the outskirts of LA, the opening bars of Don’t Stop Believin’ filter through the speakers.
Hoseok hums along to the music and Jungkook listens.
“Thanks, Jungkookie,” Hoseok says, “for coming all this way with me.”
They haven’t even reached LA and his words sound like goodbye. Jungkook had told himself that this was his second chance. Now, it feels like all chances of anything are slipping away before his groggy mind can even grasp the threads.
“Of course, hyung,” he says softly. His fingers stiffen around the steering wheel. “There’s no place I’d rather be.”
Hoseok sends him a grateful smile and it’s as devastatingly gorgeous as the first smile he had seen when he was nineteen and starry-eyed. “I know, Jungkook,” he says.
Jungkook gets the feeling that he’s talking about something else. He swallows and looks back at the road. So, that’s that, then. Until Hoseok says something that catches him off guard.
“Is it still empty? Your gas tank?”
“Hm?”
Hoseok blows out a puff of air, not quite a laugh, but something to release the tightness inside. “You said, if you were a car, you’d be sitting in the garage, tank empty, navigation system broken. Is it still empty?”
Jungkook falls silent.
Yes, he thinks. He glances back at Hoseok. But also, no.
While Jungkook isn’t entirely sure what the gas represents, he supposes that life continues on regardless and he still exists regardless. In the back of his mind though, he thinks that there is just the right amount of gas for him to bridge the gap between him and Hoseok. The gap that stretches like the entire abyss of the Grand Canyon, looms over him like the Continental Divide.
The judicious answer then would be: it depends. It depends on which direction he plans on driving, in which race he wants to compete, and while the journey matters a lot, a tiny part of him wonders what lies behind the finish line. So, he comes to some semblance of a conclusion. He concentrates on the approaching LA traffic as his heart begins to flutter and his stomach twists itself into knots. His skin sets on fire.
Finally, he exhales and says, “It doesn’t matter, hyung, because... I’m in love with you. If I was a car, despite an empty tank and broken navigation system, I would only want to find my way to you.”
Jungkook fears the quiet that comes after. He refuses to peak at Hoseok’s face. He can’t look, too afraid of seeing his own heartbreak reflected through Hoseok’s eyes.
“Well,” Hoseok says slowly.
Jungkook can't breathe.
“It’s a good thing you’re not a car,” Hoseok muses with a laugh, “it would be really ironic if, after all of this, I would have to admit I’d fallen in love with a car instead of a person, I’m not sure how I would explain that to my parents.”
The rush of noise inside of his ears is deafening. What? What?
“I—what?”
“Dang, if I knew you were going to confess, I wouldn’t have asked you that question while we were still driving. Pull off this exit here,” and Jungkook obeys, brain still in shock.
When he finally pulls the car to a stop in a random parking lot, Hoseok turns to him and he has no choice but to look directly upon Hoseok’s beauty, golden and immaculate.
“Jungkook,” Hoseok grabs his hands, which are clasped together in anxiety, “Jungkook. You know why I asked you, out of anyone, to come with me? Because I hoped beyond hope that you still remembered me and what we had all those years ago. It wasn’t the right time then, and I don’t even know if it’s the right time now, but I was tired of letting life pass me by.
“I wasn’t sure if there was still something there, if I was imagining it the whole time or what, but I had to check one last time. I had to know for sure. Listen, Jungkook, I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you so hard.” Jungkook’s hands are trembling in Hoseok’s grip. Hoseok takes a deep breath and says with a smile, “Believe me when I say this: I’m so fucking in love with you, Jungkook.”
There are a million thoughts he could be thinking right now, since when? Why didn’t you say anything? How come I never knew? Did you just curse? But, none of them articulate themselves as clearly in his mind as the single thought: The beauty of Hoseok is that he is in love. In love with life, with the world, and most importantly, in love with Jungkook.
Jungkook opens his mouth to say something deep and meaningful in response but all he can think to say is, “Can I kiss you, hyung?”
Hoseok, tanned and freckled, smiles his sunshine smile and nods. Jungkook surges forward, eager to taste the rays of the sun on his lips.
☼
Picture them: Jungkook and Hoseok lying together tangled in sheets, surrounded by a city of angels, dappled in the light from the sun, and loving each other both because of and despite the mysterious nonsense of life.