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Alex gritted her teeth in frustration. Ever since that girl had entered their lives everything was falling apart.
So far, they had allowed a mundane into the institute, went on an unsanctioned mission to the city of bones, lost the mundane in their protection to vampires and then nearly risked breaking the Accords to rescue said mundane.
Now they were headed to the Pandemonium to barter an important Lightwood family heirloom for information from a hedonistic warlock with a penchant for overcharging Nephilim.
Fan-fucking-tastic!!!
And Alex knew that when this all blew over, she would be one left to face the consequences of their actions. She'd never let her siblings take the fall but that didn't mean she enjoyed the disappointment from her parents.
Alex shuddered to think of what her mother would say if she knew what they were doing right now.
Once inside, Izzy and Alex took their positions and watched while Clary and Jace spotted Megara.
Alex couldn't see much from afar but she could tell Megara Bane was quite beautiful. Sure she'd seen her pictures before but somehow she looked even more....exquisite, in real life.
Just then, Alex saw a man approaching Megara with a seraph blade and her instincts kicked in. Her arrow reached its mark and Alex rushed past Jace to check the man.
She cursed under her breath when she saw the rune on his neck. Circle members had found them. She took the blade and casually flipped it and made her way to the group.
Megara Bane disappeared into a portal before Alex could do much more.
Her temper flared when she realized they lost the necklace and the whole mission turned out to be pointless.
"Hey" Clary shouted after Alex finished her furious tirade "I am right here. I don’t care about your damn jewelry. I’m sorry you’re gonna look bad in front of your bosses, okay? But my mother is still missing and my… my last chance at finding her just disappeared into thin air."
The girl looked so distraught Alex felt momentarily guilty for blaming her. She wasn't actually angry at Clary, but she just couldn't trust the girl. Not yet
"You give up too easy." Jace grumbled and tried tracking Megara using the coat button Clary snatched.
"No. The signal’s not strong enough. Megara must be blocking the track. Let’s do this, Alex."
Alex groaned inwardly. Parabatai tracking could get a little...intense, and she was uncomfortable doing this in front of Clary. Especially since the girl was clearly mooning over Jace and the blonde wasn't any better. Clary was the first girl since Alex that Jace showed any interest in.
She clasped hands with Jace and stared into his eyes, trying to ignore the lingering feelings there. She knew Jace wasn't actually attracted to her, she just happened to be the first girl he loved. Alex couldn't reciprocate and she knew Jace would learn the difference between his love for her and romantic love eventually.
But did he have to choose Valentine's daughter of all people?
"Yeah, this whole parabatai thing seems oddly intimate, if you ask me." Alex vaguely heard Clary say. There was a hint of envy in the girls voice
"You don’t know the half of it" Izzy scoffed
Alex bit back the urge to punch something
-------
Circle members were already there by the time they reached the warlock's lair
Alex pulled the black band she was wearing on her hand and her bow and quiver shimmered into existence. Nocking an arrow, she went up the stairs and found a circle member taunting a warlock about taking her warlock mark after killing her.
Disgusted, Alex shot the arrow in the man's leg and the warlock finished him off with her magic.
Her big sister instinct took over and she immediately complimented the woman
"Well done."
"More like medium rare." Alex had been looking around, making sure there weren't any threats when the warlock turned to face her.
"Megara....I don't think we've been formally introduced." She sauntered up to Alex with a lazy strut like she was approaching her at a bar and not right after they killed a circle member together.
Up close, Megara was even more beautiful. Her golden brown skin glowed under the light and her dark, glittery eye shadow made her eyes look sultry and captivating. Alex especially loved the way she styled her hair. Long , dark and silky smooth, her hair was layered and streaked with a rich blue.
Alex wanted to run her hands through Megara's hair.
If there was one thing Alex prided herself in, then it was her ability to keep calm and look composed in any situation.
Megara took that composure and crushed it under her bejeweled, heeled boots.
"Alex. Oh, uh… We should really… You know, probably get…" Alex felt like kicking herself. She was stuttering like a goddamn fool!! Next to the warlocks easy confidence, she sounded like a child.
"Right, we should join the party" Megara said with a bemused expression. Great! She probably thought Alex was an idiot
"Right" Alex finished lamely and shut her mouth before she could embarrass herself further.
At Megara's loft, the warlock kept shooting curious looks at Alex that left her deeply confused. But she couldn't help the rush of thrill she felt every time she caught Megara looking at her.
Megara gave the necklace back to Izzy and had some silent conversation with her that had both woman laughing conspiratorially. Alex didn't like the implications of that
Once it was decided they were summoning the demon, Megara pointed to where Alex and Jace were standing
"Okay Gorgeous, get your team ready."
"Of course." Jace said, shooting Megara his trademark flirtatious smile. Of course Jace wouldn't back down from hitting on a beautiful woman like Megara, even when he was pining after Alex and Clary.
Megara shot Jace an unimpressed look
"I'm not talking to you." She said, stopping Jace from moving forward with a light hand on his chest. Jace looked affronted at the outright rejection. His expression further morphed to shock and then slight jealousy when Megara pointed to Alex instead
"I'm talking...to you."
Alex, for her part, forgot about everyone else in the room and smiled at Megara. No one's ever done that before. No one ever ignored Jace to look at her, especially not regarding a mission.
She caught Jace looking at her and schooled her expression into something more neutral and shrugged at him.
Megara complimented Clary after she was done with the pentagram
"Oh, the only other person I’ve known who could draw as well was Michelangelo, who was excellent in bed, I might add. Although I rather preferred Artemisia's company more." Megara looked pointedly at Alex when she said that
Alex was bewildered. Was Megara flirting with her? And did she know that Alex...that she
Jace looked between Alex and Megara and tried not to fume.
As they all stood in position, Izzy observed the rest of them. Megara and Alex were clearly interested in each other and Jace was confused between Alex and Clary while Clary looked at Jace with growing adoration
"You people are pathetic." She declared
When the demon demanded the memory, Alex already knew what hers would be. She watched her own face pop out of Izzy's and a beautiful, red haired woman who must've been Jocelyn came from Clary's memory
When it was her turn, Jace's face popped up and Jace looked at her with shock and, much to Alex's chagrin, hurt.
"I don't understand. This can't be true. You don't." Jace's hand was slipping from hers
"It's not like that Jace." Alex yelled
"No!" Jace let go of Alex's hand, despite Megara's warning. Before the demon could pull Alex in, Jace pushed her aside and the demon grabbed him.
They almost lost him, before Clary stabbed the thing with a blade.
"Is he gonna be all right?" Clary asked Megara when Jace didn't move
"I don’t know. Does he normally just lay like that without moving?" Megara was clearly annoyed with the interrupted ritual.
Alex breathed a sigh of relief when Jace finally woke up. Pushing down her guilt, she walked away from the group on the ground
"Its not your fault." Megara said, catching up to her "His feelings are not your responsibility. And besides... you have nothing to be ashamed of."
As vague as she was, Alex understood what she was implying
"I don't know what you're taking about"
"You will."
‐------------
Alex was right, she was being blamed for all this. She tried not to get angry as Izzy and Jace got ready to negotiate with the Seelie's. She was the diplomat, the leader. That was her job.
Her mother no longer trusted her. That's the part that stung the most.
"Jace about the memory..."
"It's okay Alex. I'm sorry I freaked out I just... with Clary and everything, I didn't know what to think. But you're my parabatai, my best friend. I love you too Alex." Jace said hugging her. At least that part had been sorted out, though Alex could sense the lingering tension between them.
Megara's call had surprised her. She found herself agreeing for a drink without even realizing. Of course Clary had to pull a disappearing act on her and the call was cut short. Alex ground her teeth in frustration as she grabbed her jacket, fixing the black band that transformed into her bow on the sleeve. Years of tracking down her siblings meant it took Alex barely a few minutes to catch up with Clary.
They immediately started arguing and Clary struck her where she knew it would sting.
"Admit it, you'll feel better. You like girls." Clary jabbed, no doubt trying to make Alex angry
"And you're in love with Jace." Alex retorted rather lamely
Clary rolled her eyes and walked away. Alex followed her
"How the hell did you figure out? I can't be that obvious." Alex protested, unable to stop herself
"So you're admitting it?" Clary asked, her voice softening a little. She looked at Alex like she had a whole speech ready.
"I'm not admitting anything." Alex said with a glare. No way she was coming out to Clary of all people. Clary just scoffed, but her expression was almost fond now. It made Alex wish she would argue with her instead.
"When you smiled at Megara, that was the first time I'd seen you smile since we met. You have a beautiful smile Alex, I wish you'd do it more often." Clary said gently
Alex stumbled slightly, taken aback by her words. They were quite for a while
"Why do you hate me?" Clary asked abruptly
"I don't-" Alex sighed harshly "I don't hate you. I just can't trust you."
"Because I'm Valentine's daughter?"
"Because I barely know anything about you. And, yes, you are Valentine's daughter. I can't just ignore that." Alex admitted
"At least you're honest." Clary muttered more to herself than to Alex
"Look, I'm responsible for protecting my team. While I don't particularly like it, that includes you too. So I'm sorry if I'm a little harsh, but if anything happens to you on these crazy missions then I feel like that's on me." Alex said
Clary looked a little stunned at Alex' admission. Before she could comment, however, they were interrupted by Simon.
Simon didn't stop talking the entire way to the loft
"... you're an archer right. Dude that's so cool. I'm not that bad with a bow myself, took classes at summer camp." He was saying
Alex shot him a skeptical look and then looked at Clary for confirmation
"It's true. He's actually pretty good at it." She said. Simon beamed proudly at that. Alex felt kinda bad for the kid, he was like a puppy, following Clary around.
"If you promise to shut up for the rest of the day I'll let you show me your aim. You can even use my bow." Alex offered. Simon didn't know her so he obviously didn't know how big of a deal that was. Izzy must've told Clary how important Alex' bow was to her because she was staring at the older girl with barely concealed shock.
"Really! That's so cool, wait can mundane's touch your weapons?"
"My bow isn't made from Adamas so yeah, you can use it. Now shut up or the deal's off." Alex scowled, but she was secretly pleased with Simon's enthusiasm. It was endearing and the kid was really growing on her
"Ok... shutting up now." Simon said
The silence lasted about five seconds before he started again and Alex groaned
"I guess I should be grateful he lasted that long." She muttered
Clary nudged her shoulder playfully
"You have no idea." She said with a smile. Alex was surprised to find herself smiling back.
The box they found in Clary's old home made her uneasy. She felt like she should know those initials. Jace's initials were J.C, she knew that. Jonathon Christopher was a common name among Nephilim, but Alex couldn't shake the feeling that she knew someone else with that name. That information seemed important somehow.
But then Clary and Simon were kidnapped and she didn't have time to dwell on that.
"Maybe your mother was right, maybe your best isn't good enough."
If Jace had hit her, it would probably hurt less than those words. She'd grown up listening to her parents and tutors saying those same words to her but coming from Jace, they were worse.
But he was right, wasn't he? She did lose Clary and Simon. Their safety was her responsibility and she failed them.
When they finally found Clary at the Jade wolf, Alex breathed a sigh of relief. Clary surprised everyone, including Alex, when she hugged her
"I'm sorry, this wasn't your fault." Clary whispered in Alex' ear
Alex simply nodded against her shoulder before letting her go as they were surrounded by wolves.
When Jace told Clary they were going to Megara so she could heal Luke, part of Alex wanted to go with them. But she couldn't stand the idea of seeing her mother's disappointed face again. Jace was still mad at her and Alex was trying not to punch him. It wasn't fair!
Then Izzy told her their parents were planning on getting her married. What's worse it was Maryse's idea. Alex's mother always wanted Alex to be a warrior, a leader. Now she thought the only thing Alex could be useful for is being a good wife.
Logically, she knew there was probably more to it. But Alex's self hatred made her see everything in the worst possible way.
When Jace called her and told her that Megara needed her help to heal Luke, Alex almost didn't go. She was still pissed at Jace and tired of letting him walk all over her.
But she found herself walking towards Megara's loft anyway. Luke was the alpha now and maintaining a good relationship with him would be beneficial to them, especially now that Valentine was rising. At least, that's the reason she would give her parents later when questioned why she helped a werewolf.
The only thought on Alex's mind as she walked towards the loft was that she couldn't stay behind if there was anything she could do to help an innocent man from dying. Her anger towards Jace wouldn't stop her from doing what's right.
When she found Megara about to pass out from healing Luke, she didn't think twice before rushing towards the warlocks side and offering her energy
"Take what you need." She said, trying not to gasp out loud when she felt Megara's magic breach her.
It was oddly intimate, sharing her strength like that as they essentially saved Luke's life together.
Funny, the first time they met they killed a circle member together. Now they were saving a life together. They made quite the team.
The thought came unbidden under the haze of having her strength sapped from her.
Alex clutched Megara tightly to her chest, keeping the warlock from collapsing once she finished healing Luke
"You okay?" She asked quietly. Megara nodded, she was looking at Alex with a strange expression, like she somehow confused her.
"I didn't do this for Jace." Alex said when Clary thanked her.
Clary gave her a knowing smile
"Then I'm glad you did this for yourself." Alex didn't get how this little girl could read her so easily. Alex went against her parents orders to do what she believed was right and that was a big deal for her. Clary understood that.
Alex gave her a wry smile and then extended her hand in peace when Jace walked in. The relief on his face was apparent as he rushed forward to pull her into a hug.
They never apologized, she and Jace. They were both bad at apologies. They fought and then made up because that's what they did. Alex just hoped they'd be on the same page again after this.
While Clary was talking to Luke, Alex began cleaning the blood from the couch. Megara pointed out that she had magic but Alex didn't think she needed to exert herself anymore.
Alex wasn't sure how much magic it took to heal someone but seeing Megara look so small and helpless in her arms was just... wrong.
Megara always had such a larger than life, untouchable air to her. But she looked so normal, so human that day, Alex wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and keep her safe.
Which was a rather ridiculous thought because under all that aloofness, Megara was centuries old and was one of the most powerful warlocks in the world. Alex had met only one other warlock that powerful and that was Tessa Grey.
Megara offered her a drink and against her better judgment, Alex accepted. She scrunched her nose at the taste, not used to anything that strong. The most Alex ever drank was a few glasses of wine in one of those boring parties in Idris.
Clary and Jace left for the institute and Luke was feeling well enough to go back home. He had a pack to address after all.
Alex stayed behind to help Megara clean up and to make sure the warlock wasn't overly exhausted.
Megara casually asked her about her bow and Alex couldn't help it, she always got excited about it. The shadowhunters at the institute eyed her weapon with barely contained disdain so it wasn't often that she got to gush about how amazing Tessa's enchantment was
"...I don't even have to summon a quiver sometimes. In emergencies, the bow materializes in my hands with an arrow already nocked. It's been years and I always check but the enchantment never fades." Alex said, her eyes bright with excitement
"Tessa was always rather talented." Megara said with a fond smile
Alex took another sip of her drink and asked "Did you know her?"
"Quite well. She was my roommate a while back. I also knew your ancestors, Gabriel and Cecily. Although I was closer to Cecily's brother, Will." Megara said
"Oh. Were you and Will Herondale...?" Alex couldn't explain the jealousy she felt when Megara mentioned Will's name with such emotion. Was that why the warlock was interested in her? Because she looked so much like Cecily? Or because she had Will's eyes?
"Oh no. Nothing like that. Will was smitten with Tessa, we were just friends. He inadvertently aided me in getting away from a toxic relationship with the vampire Camille." Megara admitted
"Camille? The one you made that necklace for?" Alex asked. If Megara was willing to come out of hiding for that necklace did that mean she was still in love with Camille?
And why did that thought send a stabbing ache to Alex's heart?
"Yes...I made that necklace for Camille. I thought I wanted it back but honestly, I'm better off without it. Isabelle would surely make better use of it." Megara said with a shrug
"I'm glad you're getting over Camille, you deserve better." Alex said simply
"Oh? And who would that be darling?" Megara said, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow
Alex flushed and looked away
"You're a good person. Smart , powerful and yet really kind. You almost drained yourself trying to help Luke and then didn't even ask him to pay."
"Maybe I'm planning to charge him later." Megara stated
"Well are you." Alex challenged. When Megara remained silent, she smirked at her
"What I'm saying is, you deserve someone who treats you well. I've met Camille and clearly she's not what you'd call warm and loving." Alex said. She didn't understand why it mattered but she really wanted Megara to know how amazing Alex thought she was. She didn't think the warlock was as self assured as she pretended to be, and Camille probably had something to with it.
"That's very sweet of you Alexandra, I could use someone warm and loving right now. A strong shadowhunter perhaps?" Megara said with a suggestive smile
Alex' eyes widened and she sputtered, trying to find an excuse to change the subject.
"That potion you made? There seemed less magic and more science involved." Alex commented
Megara gave her a look that said she knew exactly what she was doing, but she humored her nonetheless
"Most people would say potion making is a science, and that's quite true. The knowledge of different plants and herbs and various rare ingredients, their properties and uses, where to find them and how to use them. Even the way we mix the ingredients could make all the difference." Megara explained
"Sounds tedious." Alex said with a frown
"Oh but it's also quite enjoyable, Alexandra." Megara said and where her voice was flirtatious only moments ago, she sounded genuinely excited while she talked about potions. Her smile actually reached her eyes and there was a spark in them that had nothing to do with magic.
"Potions making may be a science but there is also a subtle art to it. Those who truly understand the recipe and it's intricacies can feel the effects of each ingredient at their fingertips. At this point, I don't even have to measure anything or look through books to make my potions. This one time in 1876 I-" Megara stopped abruptly "I'm sorry darling, I must be boring you with all this talk. Most people find potions to be a rather mundane subject, nothing like the marvels of magic." She said with a flourish of her fingers, blue sparks flying at the end
Alex frowned and leaned forward from where she was sitting on the couch
"But I think it's very interesting. This is all ancient science right? Knowledge so old humans have forgotten it, but immortals remember. I think it's incredible you can make various cures and concoctions from ingredients that most people don't even know exist." The alcohol was making Alex talk more than usual
Megara gave her an unreadable expression, but then smiled sweetly before continuing her tale of the time a man had been caught harassing school girls but wasn't arrested for it so she brewed a love potion that caused him to fall in love with a tree
Megara then asked her if she was interested in science. Alex admitted that while she found it interesting, science had always been more Izzy's thing.
"I actually like art, and history. I'm also a bit of a literary nerd." Alex said with a smile
Megara's eyes widened and she dragged Alex off the couch and towards a room at the end of the hall, claiming that Alex absolutely had to see her collection.
Alex nearly dropped the glass in her hand when she saw all the books Megara had. Hundreds of books filled every wall in the room and Alex felt weak in the knees. She could spend eternity here.
"The perks of being immortal, I've got a lot of time on my hands. There are books from all over the world here-" Alex barely heard a word Megara was saying as she passed each bookshelf, running a hand reverently against some of the books.
There were several titles she recognized. And several more she wanted to read but never got the time.
"I feel I stand in a desert with my hands outstretched, and you are raining down upon me." Megara said suddenly. Alex looked at her, astonished. She was quoting 'The Price of Salt', Megara must've seen Alex surreptitiously eyeing it a moment ago.
"That's a good book." Alex said
"It is indeed. Have you seen the movie? Cate Blanchett as Carol is a vision."
"There's a movie?" Alex asked, then blushed at the intensity of Megara's gaze. She cleared her throat and pointed to another book instead "What's this one about?"
Megara rolled her eyes in exasperation and Alex ducked her head. She hadn't been trying to change the subject, she was genuinely curious about that book. She vaguely remembered Simon yapping about it, something about their stele's reminding him of it?
"Ah! That's a children's novel, Harry Potter. The magic users in this are horribly inaccurate and the author is a bit of a hypocrite, but I guess I can see the appeal. It's about a little wizard boy with a cursed scar that goes to a magic school and defeats a dark wizard."
"Sounds.... interesting. A magic school, I guess I can see why people like it. You've read them all?"
Megara's expression turned wistful
"As much as the wands and cheesy spells make me cringe, I guess there is a certain appeal to a magical community. A world where magic users have there own laws and schools and families."
Alex realized then that underneath all that confidence and bravado, Megara was lonely. Surrounded by people, yet feeling alone, that was something Alex was achingly familiar with.
Alex felt guilty. As a shadowhunter, she knew she belonged to the institution that prevented Megara and other warlocks from having their 'own laws and schools and families' as she put it.
Alex had the strange urge to change all that, just so Megara wouldn't look so wistful anymore.
"You shadowhunters have a rather unfortunate childhood, missing out on all these stories. Everyone must have memories of fairytales and children's classics." Megara said suddenly
"You make it sound like we grew up in dungeons without any contact with the world outside." Alex protested with a chuckle
"I'm half convinced that's exactly how you Nephilim grow up. We must fix your lack of knowledge in children's classics at once. It's a crime really."
Alex laughed at Megara's indignant tone. She was scouring her bookshelf, a hand on her hip and the other rubbing her lip thoughtfully while her brow furrowed in concentration. She looked rather adorable like that and Alex couldn't help but give her a dopey grin.
"Ah!" Megara exclaimed at last "I think you'll like this one. The Merry adventures of Robin Hood."
"What's it about?"
"A dashing young outlaw called Robin Hood who steals from the rich to give to the poor, and his band of merry men, his followers. He happens to be an archer, by the way." Megara explained
Alex raised her eyebrows, intrigued. Megara thought a book about an outlaw would appeal to her? To Alex Lightwood, stickler of rules?
Despite herself, Alex was rather curious about Robin Hoods adventures.
She forced herself to put the book back on the shelf.
"I should probably leave."
Megara looked disappointed for a brief second before her expression morphed back to casual indifference.
"You've had quite a lot to drink Alexandra, maybe you should sit for a while. I would make a portal for you but I'm afraid I'm rather tipsy myself and we wouldn't want to accidentally send you to Iceland now do we?"
Megara gently guided Alex back to the couch in the living room.
There's no harm in just closing her eyes for a moment right? She would leave as soon as her head stopped spinning.
She didn't wake up till morning and freaked at the idea of anyone finding out she spent the night at a warlocks house
"I trust you, I don't know why but I do." She found herself telling Megara.
It scared her, how quickly she trusted the warlock. She'd known Clary longer than her and could still barely trust her but somehow she trusted this warlock.
She didn't understand it
"Trust makes you do strange things. Maybe it's something in the air." Megara said and Alex had to force herself to leave.
It was only after she reached the institute that she realized she couldn't remember the last time she slept that peacefully.
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The next day they went to the precinct to get the mortal cup. Izzy claimed that Alex didn't understand circuit boards like she did so Alex had to be the distraction.
It was a lame excuse and Alex knew her sister was having fun at her expense. She batted Izzy's fingers when she tried to remove her top buttons and nervously walked towards the front desk where she was supposed to flirt with the policeman.
A male policeman. A guy who was decidedly not a woman.
"You're hot Alex, just channel that inner seductress. You can do it." Izzy had said
Alex tried to put her flirting expertise to use
"So you come here often?"
"I work here." Apparently, even a hot girl couldn't impress the bored and overworked front desk man. Or Alex's flirting skills were just that bad.
She was gonna kill Izzy!
Once they got the cup, Alex stayed behind to buy some time for the others. She ran into Luke on her way and together they found Clary
"I should take her back to the institute, Jace must be preparing an army for her right now." Alex said with a roll of her eyes. Clary smiled secretively at that, making Alex groan inwardly. Straight people! So pathetic
The walk back to the institute was silent. Normally, Alex would be grateful for the peace but today the silence was unnerving. Clary was shaking with some kind of unresolved tension.
"So, you're an art student?" She asked conversationally
Clary looked taken aback at the question but quickly recovered
"Yeah- yes. Before all this I was an art student." There was a bitter edge to her voice "I don't remember telling you before though?"
"You went straight to the Brooklyn arts academy yesterday after you ditched me. Not hard to figure it out." Alex shrugged
Clary looked slightly guilty at the mention of her sneaking out
"Yeah sorry about disappearing on you like that. I didn't mean to get you into trouble."
That had not been the point of the conversation. Alex simply nodded and walked a little faster. Clary jogged to keep up
"So," Clary said, her voice a little breathless from trying to match Alex's speed "Are you interested in art?"
Alex slowed down just a little so she could answer
"Not much. I like to paint sometimes but we never really get the time for all that."
"Really! You know I rarely ever have friends who share my interest in art. Maybe I can show you my work sometimes and you can show me yours." Clary said with a hopeful expression
"Who said we're friends?" Alex asked and Clary looked hurt for a second before she saw the playful smirk on Alex's face
"Oh come off it, I know you like me." Clary said with a light shove to Alex' shoulder
"Don't push it Fray. Just because I'm not suspicious of you anymore doesn't mean I like you."
"Uh huh." Clary said with an annoying smirk that made Alex shove her back
"Hey, do you think Jace would really get an army for me?" She asked
Alex scoffed "I've never seen Jace that smitten with a girl before."
"Except for you." And there was that hint of jealousy in Clary's voice.
"I think you know very well that Jace and me will never happen."
"And I can't help but think that's the only reason Jace even noticed me." Clary grumbled
"Look Clary, you don't know about Jace's childhood and its not my story to tell, but I can tell you it was rough. Most shadowhunters grow up learning that emotions cloud judgment, Jace grew up learning love was a weakness."
"That's horrible." Clary said, aghast
"Maybe. But it's how we learn to survive. There's a reason Jace is our best fighter. Before he came to live with us, Jace didn't know what love was. I was the first friend he made, it didn't help that I was kinda in awe with him as a kid. Still am to be honest. But when everyone around us made comments about how cute we'd look together, Jace believed it. He isn't actually in love with me you know." Alex explained "The way he looks at you is completely different. I've never seen him that desperate to prove himself to someone. He actually cares what you think about him. I can feel his emotions through our bond."
"Are you okay with it? With Jace and me?" Clary asked tentatively
"Honestly, I don't know. With everything that's going on I feel like a relationship will only get in the way of things. But you don't need my permission to express your feelings and I'm honestly kinda tired of feeling Jace's pining through our rune. Its pathetic."
Clary beamed at her happily and when they reached the institute, she immediately went to Jace and kissed him.
Alex rolled her eyes and tried to look annoyed but Izzy caught the small smile she gave them anyway.
"They're cute together." Izzy commented
"Sure. I just hope it doesn't blow up in our faces." Alex said with an uneasy frown
"Why do you think that's gonna happen?"
"Call it a hunch." Alex said, her mind for some reason taking her back to that box they found in Clary's loft.
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Alex truly feels remorseful when they find out Simon was killed. She already knew what Clary's decision would be, no way the girl would let her best friend die.
But it was still unfair. Simon was just a kid, he didn't have anything to do with this world and yet he was most affected by it.
She left the room to smooth things out at the institute. The arrival of the Clave envoy was a surprise.
Logan Branwell was smart, handsome and hardworking. Maryse hated him instantly. Alex was rather impressed with him though. She didn't know anyone who could catch her arrow like that.
Luke called her the next day regarding a forsaken attack and Logan offered to go with her. When he mentioned that boys in Idris were queuing up to marry her, Alex suppressed the urge to throw up.
A part of her had forgotten about the whole marriage thing.
Logan told her about the risks of falling in love in their line of work and Alex felt her heart sink. She knew that of course. Alex Lightwood did not believe in luck but she believed in fate.
She knew the stars did not spell love in her life.
Because finding love would mean defying all odds, breaking every rule she grew up with and risking her future. She didn't think she could do that.
When Logan mentioned that her parents were circle members, Alex felt the floor shift from underneath her.
She mutely looked towards Luke for confirmation, and while he didn't say anything, his expression was answer enough.
All her life, her parents had pushed her to become better, told her she wasn't good enough and said she would ruin the Lightwood name when they were the ones who brought them to their knees in the first place.
Alex was fuming by the time they reached the institute.
Logan mentioned that Megara would be coming to check the forsaken body and Alex once again made a fool of herself
"Megara is-she's quite magical..I mean she's good at- at magic."
What was it about that warlock that reduced her to a sputtering fool?
Alex took her frustration at her parents on a punching bag. And if she was wearing only her yoga pants and a sports bra (Izzy bought it for her saying she needed more sexy workout clothes), well, she wasn't dressed for Megara. Not really
She definitely didn't feel smug when the warlock wandered in, appreciating her body while she pummeled the bag.
Alex didn't know why she was doing that, even though she knew she didn't have a chance with the warlock.
She found herself confessing all her frustrations to Megara and to her surprise, she listened.
She told her to make decisions for herself, not her parents, not the Clave...just herself.
Alex wasn't sure what that meant but to her deluded mind, it sounded like sane advice except she understood it differently than what Megara probably intended.
In a fit of impulsiveness, she suggested the idea of running the institute together to Logan and proposed to him on spot.
A business deal, that's all this marriage was. Alex tried to convince herself this was what she wanted. This was what her heart desired, a chance at running the institute, gaining the Clave's respect and securing her families name, finally making her parents proud.
But Alex was a romantic at heart, no matter how much she tried to deny it. She knew what she wanted, desperately, was someone to hold and love. Someone to give her whole heart to. Someone to start a family, share a life.
(1)* "And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Oh how she desperately wishes that quote were true.
But Alex was a realist, she knew what she wanted wasn't possible. So she did what was needed instead.
After the forsaken attack, Alex didn't have time to dwell on her feelings. Nothing was supposed to get past the wards. Not even Downworlders.
Alex concentrated on keeping the pain from the parabatai bond, she didn't need Jace worrying about her right now.
Standing next to Robert as Megara checked the wards, Alex felt some kind of irrational fear, like her father would somehow sense her odd feelings for the warlock.
It didn't help that this was the first time she was seeing Megara after she got engaged. Her prospective marriage didn't seem so real until she saw what she would be missing.
Alex fought to push down those thoughts
"A Forsaken wound often needs a little warlock TLC. May I? Uh, free of charge." Megara said right after her father left
"It’s okay. I’m fine." Alex replied gruffly
"If anything were to happen to you–" Alex couldn't take it. She couldn't bear the concern in Megara's eyes. What's worse the warlock wasn't trying to flirt, she genuinely cared that Alex was in pain.
She bluntly refused Megara's help and left.
Izzy found her pummeling a punching bag, despite the forsaken wound.
Jace joined them and Alex angrily told them about their parents involvement in the circle.
Izzy was angry at Logan about Meliorn. Clearly her sister wouldn't be happy with the news of her engagement
"Did you tell them?" Logan asked
"Logan and I are engaged."
Jace and Izzy's reaction was expected of course, but Alex couldn't help but be annoyed. This wasn't her fault. She was just trying to fix things.
"It's you're life to ruin." Izzy snapped vehemently and Alex felt a twinge of guilt when she saw the tears of frustration in her sister's eyes.
Alex shifted uneasily, wondering if she really was doing the right thing
------------
Her resentment towards her parents was growing with each passing second. When her father confronted her about her engagement, Alex felt her fury take over.
Her whole life, her father had ignored her. She grew up watching him shower Izzy with affection while remaining indifferent to her.
It stung when she remembered how he hugged Izzy when he came back to institute with Max but then barely glanced at her, only addressing her to ask where Jace and Clary were.
And now he had the audacity to get angry at her for not telling him about her engagement.
"I think you misunderstood your mother’s suggestion that you marry. We wanted someone who would help this family, not destroy it." Robert said and something in Alex snapped
"You think Logan is destroying this family? Not the fact that you were in the Circle?" She asked incredulously
She had enough of her parents excuses. She was done being the perfect daughter. She was done following their every order.
She would save her family name and she would do it on her terms.
-------------
Deep down, Alex was uncomfortable with Meliorn's arrest.
But her priority was making sure her family was safe. Now that the Clave knew Clary had the cup, they would all be targeted. This would put Clary's life at risk as well. With Valentine and the rest of the Downworld hunting her down, Clary needed the Clave's protection.
Surely Jace could see that right?
Megara's face when she told her about her engagement sent a sharp ache through her.
"It's a solid partnership." Alex said, wishing she felt as confident as she sounded
"A partnership, of course. Marriage is a wonderful institution, not that I would know."
Alex wanted to go after Megara. She wanted to stop her and explain, needed her to understand why this was important.
She didn't get why she cared so much about the warlocks feelings.
Izzy and Jace confronted her about Logan's decision to take Meliorn to the City of Bones. Alex knew it was wrong. Meliorn was being arrested for no other reason than that he was a Downworlder.
She remembered reading the mundane news sometimes. Black people arrested or even shot by the police simply for being black. She remembered a book she once read on race.
(2)*"Our police force was not created to serve black Americans; it was created to police black Americans and serve white Americans."
The accords were created to safeguard the interests of both Nephilim and Downworlders alike, yet they are being used to police the Downworlders.
But then Logan told her about how his fiance died because he couldn't make the right call and Alex was left conflicted.
If she was gonna go through with this engagement she couldn't be seen disagreeing with her fiance. And Logan sort of had a point.
But Alex wasn't gonna let Meliorn die under her care.
(3)*"Being privileged doesn't mean that you are always wrong and people without privilege are always right. It means that there is a good chance you are missing a few very important pieces of the puzzle."
Alex knew she had to help Meliorn. They reached the city of bones and Alex noticed movement around them. A trap
"Listen Meliorn, you're not gonna be harmed in custody. I realize the Clave is being irrational at the moment," she chose her words carefully "But the silent brothers are wise. They won't allow you to be harmed under their care. The city of bones has special cells for Downworlders. I'm sure I can convince them to put you there."
"I'm not so sure Alex." Meliorn started, but before he could say anything they were interrupted by Jace and Clary
"Are you out of your minds? We'll all be labelled traitors if you do this, including Meliorn. You're not helping him, you're not helping anyone." Alex shouted as Jace tackled her, telling Clary to run away with Meliorn.
"This isn't you Alex. You would never let an innocent person be punished like that. You're letting your parents betrayal cloud your judgement." Jace said pinning her to the ground
"You don't care about that. You're doing all this for Clary. I knew your feelings for her would blow up in our faces. You were supposed to hand in the cup Jace!"
"This can't be what you want. What is this really about Alex? You're getting married for gods sake. To a man! You're ga-"
Alex flipped them over and pressed a blade to Jace's throat, fuming in anger
"Do it. I don't want to live in a world where we're on opposite sides Alex."
Alex rolled off and sat on the ground, breathing heavily. How did everything go so wrong so fast?
Jace begged her to come with him but Alex knew she couldn't. If she left now then no one would be left behind to pick up the pieces. She had to go back and sort things out so that her siblings weren't blamed for all this.
It also didn't help that she was feeling terribly betrayed by her parabatai.
"No." She said harshly, watching as Jace left her behind.
Izzy was angry at her about Meliorn's arrest
"I wasn't gonna let him die Izzy. I had a plan. If Meliorn was seen cooperating then he would've been acquitted." Alex told her
Izzy was being blamed for Meliorn's escape. There would be a trial and her little sister could be de-runed.
Alex tried to barter the cup for Izzy's freedom but of course Jace got to it first.
She did everything she could, going so far as to using her rune to track him down. Nothing mattered, Izzy was still going to trial and she wanted Megara of all people to represent her.
Alex didn't really want to face Megara at that moment but for her sister's safety, she'd do anything.
Even if it meant giving up her bow as payment for Megara's services.
Watching Megara defend Izzy's case, Alex felt a strange feeling. A Downworlder defending a shadowhunter, this had to be a slap in the face of Clave bigotry and a mark of changing times
Megara boldly called out the inquisitor on what the trial really was about- the cup.
Izzy went up and spoke her mind about Nephilim prejudice and despite everything, Alex was so proud of her sister.
Her entire childhood, Alex had carefully compartmentalized all her doubts regarding Clave law.
This trial had erased all the inhibitions from her mind. She was done pretending the law was perfect.
But she knew she couldn't be impulsive about it. Recklessly doing what they thought was right is what landed them in this situation, Izzy on trial, Jace and Clary AWOL with the cup without any protection.
Logan tried to help Izzy by withdrawing his case and Alex could've kissed him right then. Well, not like that but, just to show her gratitude.
But Izzy had 24 hours before she could be de-runed and Alex felt like the world's biggest failure. She didn't know how to search for Jace and Clary. How to save Izzy.
Then finally, they came back with the cup and Izzy was free. Alex was pissed as hell with Jace but she was much too relieved to care about that now.
Megara let Alex keep her bow. Now every time she used her bow, Alex would be reminded of the fact that it technically belonged to Megara.
She wondered if maybe that was the warlocks intention.
Megara continued to confuse her about her feelings and with the wedding day coming close, Alex didn't know what to do.
"Confusion is part of it." Megara said "That’s how you find out if something’s there. Emotions are never black and white. They’re more like symptoms. You lose your breath every time they enter a room." Megara circled around Alex. She snapped her fingers, magic pulsing around Alex. "Your heart beats faster when they walk by. Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath. I know you feel what I feel, Alexandra."
Her whole life, Alex hated when people used her full name. For some reason she never corrected Megara though. Something about the way she said her name thrilled Alex.
Megara standing so close to her was doing things to her she only ever read in books.
She never felt like this about Logan.
Alex got angry and started yelling at Megara
"You don’t have any clue what I feel, so back off. This is all just a game to you, isn’t it? You flirt, you laugh, you use magic, but at the end of the day, what do you risk? Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I have to do what’s right for me. I could lose my family, my career, everything! You just don’t get it"
These were the excuses she was giving herself. This was what she had to do.
Right?
"You have a choice to make, I won't ask you again."
Alex felt her heart sink when she turned around to find Megara gone.
Finding out Megara was trying to avoid her at the institute annoyed Alex to no end. Then she felt irritated at herself for feeling that way because Megara owed her nothing and Alex really should stop thinking about her.
At least she made up with Jace. Izzy's surprise bachelorette party turned out to be an excuse to have a heart to heart with her parabatai.
As Jace told her about his feelings for Clary and then finding out she's his sister, Alex talked about her own conflicting feelings without mentioning Megara's name
"I don't know who I am anymore Alex." Jace admitted. He didn't have to explain, Alex understood because of course she understood.
"Morgenstern...Wayland; none of that matters. You're Jace. My Parabatai, my brother...you're my Jace. That will never change." Alex said fiercely. Jace gave her a grateful smile.
"I would've done it you know." Jace said suddenly "If you absolutely had to get married for duty then I would've married you, even if we never found out Clary is my sister. Alex, I'd still do it. At least with me you wouldn't have to pretend to be something you're not, you wouldn't have to, you know?"
Alex knew. At some point, she would be expected to have children. The mere thought of sex with a man made Alex want to throw up.
But she couldn't do that to Jace.
"I always knew this was coming Jace. If I wanted to marry you I would never have agreed to become your parabatai." Alex said with a sad smile "I always knew I couldn't have what I wanted, that doesn't mean you can't either. I would never take away the chance of finding love from you."
"You deserve that chance too Alex."
"It doesn't matter now. This is what I want Jace, so will you be my suggenes and give me away tomorrow?"
"Alex, if this is what you really want then I'd be honored."
---------
Hours before the wedding, Alex was stuck in her room with Izzy and Clary fussing over her hair and make up
"You're making an unnecessarily big deal out of this." Alex grumbled. She frankly didn't care how she looked. She just wanted this to be over with
"C'mon big sister, you only get married once. Let me have this." Izzy said while pinning her long curls into some elaborate updo. It was gonna be a nightmare trying to get all those pins out.
"This dress is beautiful" Clary said running her hands along the skirt of Alex' dress "But why gold?"
"Shadowhunters use white for funerals. Gold is the color for weddings." Alex explained
Her dress really was beautiful. Isabelle had outdone herself in getting her the perfect outfit.
It was an A-line dress with a strapless, sweetheart neckline. The dress fit snugly at her waist before flaring out and the material was light and floaty. Runes were etched along the folds in delicate golden and silver threads that made the dress shimmer when she moved.
When she stood, the dress brought out curves Alex didn't know she had.
"How did the mission go?" She asked Clary. She already knew about it, but she needed something to take her mind off what was coming. Thank god Clary didn't question her and simply answered
"It was a disaster." Clary's expression turned remorseful "You heard about the mole in the institute right? Poor Megara, she had to watch her oldest friend die today."
Alex was shocked. She knew Ragnor Fell was a friend of Megara's but she hadn't know they were that close. If anything happened to Jace, Alex would be broken.
"I should call her and make sure she's alright." Alex said mostly to herself as she looked around for her phone
"Hey, it's probably better if you give her some space right now." Clary said gently
"Besides, you have a wedding to attend. You can't be late to your own wedding." Izzy reminded her "Now hold still, I need to fix your mascara."
Alex reluctantly sat back and let her sister poke and prod at her face. Megara probably didn't want to see her now anyway. She looked pretty annoyed at Alex that morning.
It didn't stop Alex from wishing she could see Megara right now.
"There," Izzy said, leaning back to admire her work. Alex' makeup was minimal but elegant. The eye shadow Izzy picked made her blue eyes pop.
"You look beautiful hermana." Izzy said with a big smile
Alex tried to smile back but all she managed was a grimace.
Izzy's expression changed
"You can still back out of this Alex." Izzy said gently
Alex wished people would stop saying that to her.
"Guys, it's time. Simon just texted me, Jace is waiting outside the chapel and Logan's already at the altar."
Alex took a shuddering breath and stood up, walking outside the door stiffly.
"You'd think she's going to war." Clary said, staring after Alex
"It's the most difficult fight she's ever had, the war of hearts." Izzy said and followed after her sister
Outside the chapel, Simon and Jace were pointedly ignoring each other as they waited for the girls.
Izzy and Clary came first. Clary went straight to Simon and gave him a hug, complimenting his suit.
"Where's Alex." Jace asked Isabelle
"She's coming. She needed a moment alone." Izzy said, staring at the corridor in concern
"Is she okay?" Simon asked
"She's nervous." Clary replied, exchanging a doubtful look with Isabelle.
Alex was trying not to have a panic attack. This was her decision. She proposed to Logan. This was her only chance at securing her position with the Clave.
(4)*'The caged bird sings with a fearful trill,
of things unknown, but longed for still,
and his tune is heard on the distant hill,
for the caged bird sings of freedom.'
Freedom. What was freedom to her?
Alex took a deep breath and walked towards the chapel
"You look.... wow Alex! You look amazing." Jace said, looking at her with a stunned expression. He couldn't remember the last time Alex dressed up like this, certainly not since her quinceanera.
"Whoa! Yeah you, you really look great." Simon too couldn't take his eyes off her
"Thanks." Alex said as Jace pulled her into a hug, careful of her dress. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and looked at her "Ready?"
"No. Let's get this over with."
Clary and Simon went first, taking there seats at the front row. Izzy kissed Alex' cheek and went inside herself.
"i'm glad your here with me," Alex told Jace
"No where I'd rather be. No matter what, I'm hear for you parabatai." Jace said, offering his arm to her. Alex clutched Jace's arm tightly
"Don't let me fall." She whispered, unsure she'd be able to make it up to the altar without stumbling
"Never." Jace said, tightening his grip on her
The doors opened and everyone's eyes fell on her.
Maryse walked up to Alex and Jace, Robert right behind her
"I'm so proud of you Alex." She said, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. This was the most affectionate her mother had been to her in years and Alex tried not to feel resentful about it.
Her parents are only proud of her when she fit their idea of who she should be and not who she really was
(5)*"Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not."
Logan looked handsome in a gold tux. The altar was beautifully decorated.
For some reason it all reminded her of Izzy's trial. Maybe it was because of the familiar sense of dread in the pit of her stomach
Together she and Jace walked towards the altar.
Logan smiled warmly at her and she gave him a small smile in return. Jace and Izzy's presence made her somewhat calm.
She didn't have any other choice right? It's not like she can marry for love, not when a love like hers was considered a sin in their world.
'The word sin was derived from the Indo-European root ‘es-,’ meaning ‘to be.’ When I discovered this etymology, I intuitively understood that for a person trapped in patriarchy, which is the religion of the entire planet, ‘to be’ in the fullest sense is ‘to sin'.'(6)*
She lived her life questioning herself because she was told there was only one way to live life- by following the rules.
What could she do if those rules disputed her very existence?
"Attention. The ceremony is about to commence." Brother Jeremiah's voice echoed around the room, bringing Alex away from her thoughts.
Alex took the bracelet from the cushion Jace was holding and wrapped it around Logan's hand. She turned to let Logan fasten the necklace around her neck. the delicate chain felt like a noose.
Then it was time to mark each other with the wedded union and the Stele in Alex's hand shook.
She wanted to end this nonsense. Because that's what it was. She couldn't lie to herself anymore. But she couldn't tell anyone else either.
'and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive'(7)*
She didn't want to remain silent anymore. But she couldn't find the words either. Logan extended his hand and Alex took the rune, about to mark him with it
The doors burst open when Megara strode in and Alex forgot to breathe.
"Maryse this is between me and your daughter, I'll leave if she tells me to."
She was wearing a brown suit with a red shirt, a bow tie lay untied around her collar. Her hair was streaked with maroon and her jewelry glinted under the light.
She looked outrageous next to the carefully polished elegance of the rest of the room.
To Alex, she looked like the truth in a room full of lies.
Logan called her name and she couldn't do it. She just couldn't.
This wasn't fair, not to her, not to Logan.
"It's okay." Logan said with a gentle hand on her shoulder "I get it. I'll be okay." Alex couldn't express how grateful she was in that moment.
There was no backing down. If she did this she can't take it back. Her parents would probably disown her, the Clave will view her as a traitor, her fellow shadowhunter's will no longer respect her.
"Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don't let the bastards grind you down." (8)*
She turned around to face Megara and took a deep breath. She took one step, then another. Without breaking eye contact with Megara she waved off her mothers protests and reached the warlock, grabbing her by the lapels of her coat and pulled her close.
(9)*'No holy place existed without us then,
no woodland, no dance, no sound.
Beyond all hope, I prayed those timeless
days we spent might be made twice as long.
I prayed one word: I want.
Someone, I tell you, will remember us,
even in another time.'
Kissing Megara felt like freedom. Like a thick haze had cleared around her and she was seeing truth for the first time. Megara circled her arms around Alex's waist and pulled her close and Alex wondered if this was what she was born for, to be held in this woman's arms. Vaguely she remembered her parents and the Clave officials and reluctantly pulled back. But then Megara chased her lips and all thoughts of her parents and the Clave flew out the window and she kissed Megara again.
Kissing Megara felt like breathing for the first time. Like she had been suffocating her whole life until this very moment. Alex wondered why she took so long to do this.
Finally they pulled apart and Alex realized what happened. Megara looked at her with a smile.
"You never cease to amaze me Alexandra."
"Yeah, what did I do?"