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He recalls Kita telling him how he had a burning hatred for the banner of his highschool. ‘We don’t need things like memories’. He explained the phrase. He talked for hours about how he felt memories were what formed the path we walk down. He spoke about how memories were in everything in the world down to your very muscles as an athlete, there’s a reason they call it ‘muscle memory’. You have to practice for hours until you get a new move right or manage to be able to receive smoothly. You have to use those memories and those instincts built upon them in order to succeed and move up the next level. You can’t walk on the steps to your new place without the foundation being there first.
Sakusa understood Kita’s point. He felt the same in a way. Memories were fleeting, but they were there. Even when the memory grows blurry, the feeling that emcompasses it rang just as strong for everyone. Even when the faces fade, when the words are jumbled, that feeling that causes tears, makes your goosebumps rise, and when the warm shiver run down your spine will always stay when you recall back to that very moment.
As he entered the busy clinic, all he could think about were the memories that had led him until this moment. The one that made him walk to the nurse’s station, his tired feet dragging him forward and asking for information about his fiance. As he explains their situation, ignoring the side-eyed of the other nurses spread across the station, he stays focused.
His memories had brought him here. He was bound to this clinic, to the chair he found himself being plopped in. As his muscles relaxed from the soreness of the earlier practice match, his head felt more at ease without the constant annoying yells and demands from his irritating teammates who were monsters when it came to the court. Admittedly, so was he with his weird structure in his wrist, but they could go for all day long. Even after all these years, they needed to consider their health and stamina more.
He leans forward, placing his elbows on top of his knees. He looks down on the polished, tiles with tired eyes. He wants to fall asleep back in the softness of his bed with the same, normal arms wrapping around him with a familiar warmth comforting him into the lullaby of sleep. That’s where he would be if this was any other day, but this wasn’t. Today was the day, the seconds ticking down on his clock, letting him and everyone else in the world know his time was nearing to an end.
Sakusa didn’t want to think about to it, but even he knows that trying not to think about something is the same as thinking about something. He isn’t so foolish to ignore that.
He just wanted to hold on, to be blissfully unaware for once in his life. For now, he just wanted the memories to be memories, for them to just happen to cloud up to his mind. He didn’t want the memories to become the only thing he could hold onto to have some kind of comfort in the aftermath of what was coming.
Why did they have to be born in this sort of universe? How was this right or just? What sort of God was playing this joke on all of humanity? Who thought it was a good idea to let them know when they were going to die?
What sort of sick joke was this?
Even as the seconds full of dread tick by, he’s unknowingly comforted by the memories he and Kita shared, finding himself feeling safe for just a few moments recalling how they first met.
“Kita-san is joining us for the practice match,” Atsumu said as he refilled the water bottles alongside him. Sakusa raised an eyebrow, not recalling who that was. Was it an opponent of theirs he had forgotten about? “He was one of the third-years back when I was second-year. He was our Captain. He’s not playing against us or anything, just sorta comin’ to analyze me to see if I improved and whatnot.”
“Right.” Sakusa said, clipping the cap of the water bottle close. He watched Atsumu carefully. He was a hassle in every way, shape, and form. He never seemed to listen to anything he said and he was troublesome. It didn’t help that he practiced until he nearly collapsed, stopping himself just before it happens. That’s no good. If a brat like Hinata can learn from his lesson, why can’t this irritating mess of a setter do the same? He’s so exhausting to be around sometimes.
“Anyways, can you do the rest?” Atsumu grinned, handing him the rest of the empty water bottles, “I said I would meet up with Kita-san before the match started. He said he would come around this time, so…”
Without a reply (or even bothering to wait for one), he was gone just like that. Atsumu Miya was the bane of his existence. How did any former teams deal with a player such as himself? He was so demanding and held this huge ego that Sakusa could’t fathom having. Sakusa shook his head and clicked the cap off of one of the empty water bottles, thinking it was more troublesome to chase him down and argue with him about it. It would be easier and less annoying to just do it himself.
The thought of a ‘Kita-san’ didn’t really cross his head again until he walked back down to the courtroom where they practiced, placing the water bottles down by one of the benches. Ignoring the greetings of the other two cheerful players, he scanned the room and caught Atsumu. He was with whom he presumed to be this ‘Kita-san.’ His hair was gray, despite being relatively around the same age of them, with black tips at the end. His bangs were swept to the left side of his face. Even with a soft face, his expression was sharp and well-mannered.
He was dressed like he was an office worker. He even had those striped button-up shirts dutifully tucked into the waistline of his dark slacks with a belt holding them snuggly against his body. The lightly-colored tie hanging freely against his chest with a folded blazer laid still and unused on his forearm as he spoke to their loud-mouthed setter.
‘Well. barely anyone who did volleyball in highschool take volleyball seriously as a job…’ Sakusa thought turning away as Bokuto was calling him over to talk about this or that about this Akaashi friend of his he never seemed to be quiet about. He seriously felt outnumbered here sometimes with the massive difference in personality types.
He didn’t bother to think about ‘Kita-san’ again. Even as the match started and he could feel a pair of eyes dead on the other side of the court, he didn’t mind it much. He wasn’t the one being judged after all. The match carried on like usual, Hinata was getting better at being a setter when needed. Bokuto was an amazing spiker as ever. That wasn’t really a surprise to anyone, as he practically lived to be one.
Atsumu was rather annoying like usual. He seemed to be exceedingly irritating today, it was pissing him off. He’s not the most patient person, although he’s not the type to blow up in someone’s face like Hinata or Atsumu, and he has his limits. This was getting frustrating.
The straw that almost broke the camel’s back was when Atsumu hit a perfect spike past his block onto the court floor, leaving an echoing sound of his strength. He grimaced at the spot where the ball had landed before turning back to face Atsumu.
“Alright, that was amazing!” Atsumu cackled, grinning smugly as ever. He stuck his tongue out at him with this air of self-righteousness that made Sakusa want to reach past the neck and strangle him. With that stupid tongue still out, he said teasingly, “Did you see that Omi-kun?”
‘How could I NOT see it?’ Sakusa huffed, trying to let his frustration sizzle. There was no point in arguing with his teammate, especially one stubborn as Atsumu Miya. You have to pick your battles, he had always been taught that from a young age. This battle was not worth taking a bullet for. ‘So annoying…’
“Atsumu.” Just like that, Atsumu’s shoulders jumped. His expression completely changed from pure smugness to utter shock and fear. What was this? “That was very immature of you, Atsumu.”
He watched with a new developing curiosity as Atsumu turned on his heel quickly as he walked towards Kita who had been calling out to him to scold him. Atsumu looked like he was being scolded by a strict parent.
“K-Kita-san.” Atsumu continued to approach Kita shakily with a quiver in his voice. It was like he was terrified of him. He did say he was once his upperclassmen and the Captain of their team. Maybe that still carried on into adulthood?
‘Atsumu...is being polite? He’s silent?’ He watched as Atsumu stood there with an anxious, shaking smile as he stared down at his shoes, as Kita looked up at him with his brows furrowed. ‘How??’
“You know you’re an adult, not a teenager, right? This is why a lot of people don’t like you,” Kita said, scoffing as he placed his hands on his hips. “This is just a practice match, don’t get so full of yourself.”
He was quiet, practically timid to the scolding. He actually bothered to listen to what someone was saying about him once. He was taking it all in without bothering to defend himself or fight back against the accusations. Instead, like a puppy, behaved properly. He nodded and apologized to Kita.
“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to,” Kita said, folding his arms. “Surely, you know who that is right?”
‘The way to make Atsumu Miya shut up…’ Sakusa’s eyes widen as Atsumu turned his way and started to approach him, the glare from Kita locked on Atsumu. ‘It has to be!’
“‘M sorry, Omi-kun,” Atsumu rubbed the back of his head, his face red with embarrassment. It’s probably from him being scolded by a former player infront of all of his teammates.
‘Kita-san is definitely the solution!’ Sakusa felt himself light up with this new information.
“Yeah, just don’t let it happen again,” Sakusa said, feeling the anger from earlier fading completely away from his mind as he turned back to the net. He needed to focus on winning this set than letting Atsumu’s stupid ways get to his head. He wasn’t an idiot like him after all. He had more composure than that.
Even as the sets carried on, in the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but think of their special visitor. He knew Atsumu since his highschool days, so it would be natural he knows how to handle him, right? With that same logic in mind then, surely, he could give him a few pointers when it comes to the noisy setter. Even if not that, then maybe he could just call him when Atsumu is being especially bratty and smug.
When the sets had ended, he approached him after Atsumu had left to change. Naturally, Kita looked confused as he glanced up at Sakusa. “Can I help you?”
“Do you video chat with people often, Kita-san?” He asked, holding up his phone. Kita’s eyes followed it easily. “You were able to reason with Atsumu earlier and I was curious.”
Kita smiled, taking the phone. “Sure, we just have to talk ahead of time so it won’t affect my work schedule.”
“Right, of course,” Sakusa said, nodding along as he watched patiently as Kita put in his contact info before handing him the phone back with a small smile.
“You were great out there, Sakusa-san,” Kita complimented. “You’re quite the player, I’m sure those flexible wrists of yours have earned you tons of spikes, but even then...you’re still a great spiker without them. Your receives are really good too. Atsumu isn’t an easy person to receive from by any means.”
“Oh,” Sakusa felt a little awkward, a weird feeling flooding his face. He wasn’t sure what to say. He decided on a safe option, “Thank you.”
“Of course!” Kita smiled again.
“Oi, Omi-kun what are you doin’ with Kita-san?” Atsumu frowned, coming back in normal attire. He immediately got put in his place with a harsh glare from Kita-san, emitting a dangerous aura only meant for Atsumu.
“What have I said about you being rude and incompatible with your teammates? Do you want to worsen your teamwork ethic?” Kita challenged, “Do you plan to win against your opponents all by yourself?”
“Eep, K-Kita-san!”
“ Well ?”
The whole thing was a chance happening really. If it wasn’t for Atsumu, he would have never met Kita Shinsuke. If it wasn’t for Atsumu, he wouldn’t be in this clinic, in this chair, waiting to go inside his room. He wouldn’t have known all the blessings he’s been granted. He shouldn’t count himself out though. If he hadn’t been keen enough to ask to video-chat (although originally to call Atsumu out on the court), he wouldn’t have made it this far with Kita. If they hadn’t talked, hadn’t grown closer, hadn’t taken the chance before him, they would have been nothing. Just strangers that knew of each other’s existence due to a mutual idiot’s idiocy.
“Sakusa-san?” Someone he doesn’t know calls out to him. He looks towards the voice and sees a tired doctor in light blue scrubs. He looks friendly but he knows no words he has to say are kind or full of good news. “You are here for Kita Shinsuke, right?”
“I am,” Sakusa admits, standing up from the chair. He faces the doctors and looks him in the eyes, waiting for him to continue. He wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole, take his breath away and end this pathetic existence of his. At least then, he wouldn’t have to suffer his current heartbreak. “Can I see him now?”
“Of course, right this way, sir.” The doctors smiles, gentle and soft. He leds Sakusa down the long halls and pass room after room, numbers and sections blurring by on the first floor as he walks and walks until he finds the doctor stopping at one of the numerous amount of doors, looking at it. “Here we are.”
“Oh,” He looks at the outside of the room. The numbers on the door doesn’t matter, they won’t be deserving of worth in less than an hour. “Right, thank you.”
“No need to thank me,” The doctor gives him a somber smile, placing a hand on his arm gently with a pain-filled look in his eyes. It’s an expression that might trick Sakusa into thinking he understands and he’s been through the same thing but he can see beneath it. It’s the pity and sympathy, the ability of humans to emphasize with others to feel the weight of pain of another. He doesn’t want that. He shrugs him off, grabbing at the door handle. He never did like just anyone touching him.
Entering the room, with the doctor minding his business behind him as he walks away given how he can hear the hard heels of his shoes clack against the tiled floorboard, he scans the room. He’s been inside for a single moment and he already wants to escape. He wants to run away back to his safe haven where he doesn’t have to face the reality of it all. He wants to scrub at his skin and clean every part of him until it doesn’t hurt anymore. He wants to make it go away, even when his skin grows red and raw from the harshness of the impatience in his cleaning method in situations like these. He doesn’t care if his skin breaks, if he bleeds down the drain, he just wants the pain to stop.
But he’s standing here, in the middle of the doorway as the light from the hallway spills in the dim room of the hospital. The room is simple and bland. It’s the same thing over and over. The adjustable twin bed, the annoying uncomfortable chair nearby the bed, a nightstand squished between the two, and a TV hung in the worst corner possible, making your neck ache trying to watch it from that angle. The phone is placed on the nightstand, making it easy for the patient to reach over and grab it if they need it.
Right as he should be, sat on the bed and tucked underneath the cover was Kita Shinsuke. His skin seemed paler than usual and his eyes were darker. Maybe it was the poor lighting of the room. Maybe it was the atmosphere. Maybe it just occurred naturally when death is on the horizons. Sakusa wasn’t sure which.
He stared at Kita. He couldn’t stop.
They had exchanged numerous messages. They talked about volleyball and Atsumu mostly, after all, that was what Sakusa had planned. They managed to make time for a video chat and that’s how Sakusa found himself in this strange situation of being complimented by someone like Kita Shinsuke.
“Atsumu is an idiot,” Kita sighed, intertwining his fingers as he looked down at them. Barely for a moment he stared down at his desk but his sharp gaze darted to the camera, to Sakusa, and he spoke again, “Which is why I’m glad he has a teammate like you, Sakusa-san.”
‘Me?’ Sakusa thought, his confusion must have been evident in his expression as Kita chuckled. He scooted closer to his desk and laid his chin on top of his hand for support. He watched as Kita smiled cheesily.
“I’ve known him since he joined the club in highschool. He’s always been a brat, really. He was definitely less reasonable compared to his brother. I remember when Osamu admitted he wasn’t going to continue volleyball after he graduates and that caused issues between them,” Kita sighed. His eyes were glossy. Even through the shitty laptop camera, Sakusa could tell that much. “He’s unreasonable, and he doesn’t know how to take care of himself. He practices until he collapses like an utter fool. That’s why I’m glad, even though I’m not there with him, having you as a teammate puts me at great ease, seeing that you care about those certain things.”
It was weird being complimented for such a thing. With all the other teammates he had, he had always caused ‘problems’ for them due to his ways. He adored those who took care of their health properly, like Ushiwaka, and wanted to be prepared for things that would come his way. You can’t prepare for everything in life or even hope to but that doesn’t mean you should throw things around just because you can’t be for sure. He hates crowds, he hates those who are callous and can’t be bothered to be prepared, and most importantly, he hates idiots who don’t take care of their health to the point they collapse. They are the worst of the bunch in his eyes.
It was weird for someone to understand a sentiment he’s held his entire life. It wasn’t like he was sheltered or even a germaphobe. He just valued taking care of one’s health above all else. He always noted that no matter who he met, he always cared about it more. He always gave time and focus into it more, even with fellow athletes.
It was nice. It was really nice that someone understood for once, that someone actually got it. He always did have his cousin, but even then, he wasn’t like him. He was like the rest of them, he just happened to care because he wanted Sakusa to feel comfortable with him. It was a nice feeling, having someone in your family who actually puts up with you and doesn’t mind it, but it was another thing when a complete stranger who barely knows him immediately gets how important it was, not only just to him, but should be just as important to everyone else. It was important and it wasn’t just Sakusa being Sakusa.
It felt good to be understood.
“Thanks,” Sakusa managed to mutter back, his breath stilled for a second. It was hard to wrap his head around the kind words Kita had spoke of him. “I thought I was the only one who valued that sort of stuff.”
Kita chuckled, shaking his head. “Trust me, I’m not. My team knew how serious I was about it, even if I wasn’t a star player. I believe I remember overhearing the twins calling me ‘No Gaps Kita’ or something ridiculous like that just because I took care of my body properly.”
His laugh was fleeting and small but Sakusa definitely heard loud and clear through the headphones tucked carefully in his ears. He wanted to hear more of it. It was only for a mere moment and in that moment, the happiness Kita emitted was contagious, it only made Sakusa want to say something else to make him laugh again, to see that silly smile graze his lips. It was an unfamiliar feeling, it wasn’t like he ever hoped to be a comedian or anything of the sort so what was he thinking? What was happening?
“That sounds like something he would do,” Sakusa admitted, hiding his small grin behind the back of his hand. He felt like an idiot.
“Regarding how to handle Atsumu,” Kita said, becoming serious as he straightened himself. He watched carefully as Kita intertwined his fingers, delicate and gentle. “I would say continue to breathe down his neck, not literally of course. Atsumu isn’t completely hopeless. If he isn’t doing something that he’s supposed to, or something against your wishes, let him know that. He’s ruthless with his sets, there’s no doubt about that, but a setter is nothing without their spikers. He should know he needs to take care of himself, so nag him perhaps and continue to keep an eye on him, although, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that, Sakusa-san.”
Was that a compliment? Because it felt like one from Sakusa’s end. There was this giddiness running through his veins that he had never experienced before. What was this strange feeling? He had no clue.
“Thank you, Kita-san,” Sakusa said politely, breathing in and out softly to try and cool the sudden heat rushing from the top of his scalp to the bottom of his toes.
“You can call me, Kita.” He smiled again, brightly and gently like the moon, comforting and wistful. “You’re Atsumu’s teammate after all. I don’t imagine you’re the type of guy to chat with me once and never do so again?”
‘Does that mean he wants to talk to me again?’ Sakusa felt his heart beat faster than usual. This wasn’t good.
“Let’s talk again soon then, Kita.” Sakusa moved his hand away, letting himself smile freely at the man on the other line of the videochat. “You can call me Sakusa, only seems fair.”
“I’ll look forward to it!” Kita chuckled, placing his hand over the mouse moving to hover over the ‘end call’ button. “I’ll leave you to your work now. Goodbye, Sakusa.”
And just like that, with a single inaudible click, the screen goes black as the screen shrinks to disappear from the tab window. He’s left with the sight of the messages they exchanged earlier instead, the site asking him to rate the call. He grins, something so unsightly of him, and gets up. He closes his laptop and plugs it in so it can charge while he’s away at the practice, alongside his teammates and ready to use his new method to try and get Atsumu to semi-reasonable.
All thanks to Kita Shinsuke, a simple office worker that happened to stop by during a practice match to judge.
The ring on his fingers felt heavy right then and there as he stood onward of what had become of his fiance. A sullen, tired man that would meet his doom because the universe had not only decided it was his time but with that ticking print on his wrist changing with every second had decided they didn’t deserve hope. They didn’t get the right of believing he would make it, his body would overcome this and he would heal. No. This was it. He would die exactly at that time in this clinic in that shitty adjustable bed.
Sakusa’s entire being ached.
It had been two years after Kita had asked him out while on their usual outing. They had been meeting up regularly for coffee or lunch when Kita could escape the office to have lunch at a nice cafe or convenience store with Sakusa. Their hands bumped and something just surged through Sakusa, this warm fuzziness the week before that had made him realize what he got himself into. After hours of discussing it with his closest friend, Komori, he had decided that he did in fact have a crush on Kita Shinsuke, of all people in his life. He had never had a crush on anyone else before, and he had no idea how to go about it. Komori wouldn’t stop giving these horrible suggestions and laughing at his inexperience. Some cousin he is.
One day, Kita had wrapped his fingers around Sakusa as they stopped by a park on Kita’s way back to his office building. Sakusa always offered to walk him back. After all, what harm could it do? It could only allow them to chat more and give him more steps on his counter.
“Do you like me, Sakusa?” Kita had asked, holding his quivering fingers lightly. He knew his face was a complete mess, redder than any time he had worked out so diligently as part of his job. He wasn’t sweating or panting from hours of practice. He was turning red because of the utter embarrassment and timidness he experienced as someone who was finally crushing on someone for the first time in his life.
“I’m...I’m sorry?” Sakusa said, “I - I’m sure it’s not what you had in mind for a friend…”
“That’s okay,” Kita said, a large smile adorning his adorable face. “Because I want you as more than a friend, if that’s okay with you, Sakusa.”
And before either of them could make sense of it all, they were dating just like that. Every moment they had to spare, they spent either on dates, spending the night at each other’s places, or calling when they could. Sometimes their schedules were so mismatched that they couldn’t even do that so it was hard at times but they managed to hold on and have an even stronger relationship.
They were both painfully aware of the counter on Kita’s wrist, imprinted on him like the rest of the world, but they wanted to love and be loved in spite of it all. They blissfully ignored it, holding each other’s hand, kissing softly while tangled in each other’s arms, and going on playful, fun dates wherever they deemed worthy or interesting. It was just them and they were happy with their life and their relationship.
They were happy.
Sakusa had decided he wanted to be a little more greedy though. He wanted to take their relationship to the next level. He was foolishly in love, his heart beated in tune with Kita’s.
Was it stupid? Probably. Was he ignoring the flaws? Yeah, for once. Did he care about that? Not really. All he knew was that he wanted their hands to forever be intertwined at the ceremony, to declare to the whole wide world that he belonged to Shinsuke and Shinsuke belonged to him. Was that a bad thing? Well, he doesn’t really care if it is.
How could someone as perfect and sweet as Shinsuke be bad for him? Even as he dropped down on his knee in the park where he had asked him out, feeling cheesy as ever, he didn’ t regret it even as he worried Kita would say no. He cried when Kita had tears welling up and a smile so wide he was afraid that it hurt. He laughed and held him close as Kita fell down on his knees and buried his face in Sakusa’s chest, holding onto him shakingly. Even as they slipped the silver bands on their fingers, their fingers continued to quiver as happy tears flowed down their cheeks that were aching from how big their smiles were.
He remembers how much Kita’s eyes sparkled that day.
Those same eyes continued to twinkle even with the horrible lighting of the cold room, even with the dark bags underneath those eyes he had grown used to looking into. They were the ones he looked into every time he woke up, when he pulled him close to kiss, the ones he looked for help when he needed advice or someone for him, the ones that had become ever so persistent in his life. Even with the dread written all over his expression, his eyes shined bright as ever. They both knew it was coming, the clock would stop, and that would be it. There would be no more.
“Kiyoomi,” Kita smiled, gentle as can be. He patted a spot next to him on the bed. He must be freezing stuck in this cold, overly conditioned room. “Come sit with me.”
Without argument, without a brow raise, without even a chance in expression, he followed that order. He tossed his bag on the useless, uncomfortable chair in the room and sat down on the bed. He had a cover that seemed thin as a sheet thrown over his body, covering from the curve of his waist and down past his socked feet. His bed was curved, poisoned that way of course with the dangling remote on the stand beside his bed. It was a good thing there were a few pillows behind him. He’d hate for him to be even more uncomfortable than he probably already was.
Despite not wanting to, he looks at Kita. His expression is bittersweet, he’s well aware of what is going to happen. Sakusa is biting the inside of his cheek, knowing he’ll regret it later when it’s raw, but at this moment, he doesn’t care at all. Nothing matters more than Kita, nothing matters more than the fast beat of his heart and the sting of his eyes he’s holding back for the sake of the one who deserves a better fate than this.
He’s smiling. His eyes are dark, but he’s still smiling. Why? What does he have to smile about?
Was he smiling because he could accept it? Because everything in this life is finite? Was he smiling because he knew how to say goodbye in such a caring and graceful way, unlike Sakusa’s own self who felt his heart getting crushed more and more with each ticking second that passed them?
He wanted so much more than this, than this stupid clock ticking over their heads. He had wanted to hold his hand more, he wanted to kiss him a hundred more times just as sweet and kind as they always were, he wanted and craved for more time. He wanted to get married at their own pace. He wanted to play game after game with Kita watching him alongside his student and past opponents. He had wanted more time with Kita, to love and be loved. Someone who understood him inside out, and who he understood like no other human on this planet. He wanted to be close with Kita forever, to never have to let go, to stay by his side without anything else stopping them.
Even on his bad days, he wanted Kita to be there softly holding him and whispering sweet nothings into his ear as everything seemed to crumble around him. He wanted those soft hands caressing his jawline and cheekbones more and more. He craved to hold Kita again and again. He wanted their hands to slip together, connecting like fated puzzle pieces that were bound to each other like no other. They were meant for each other, locking their hearts in place for another to take hold of. \
He wanted the soft bickering, the cheesy domestic bliss, and embarrassing moments of an entire relationship. He wanted his day in white alongside Kita who would look amazingly sung in a suit that was practically made to show off every beautiful and stunning part of him. He wanted that ring to stay forever on Kita’s finger as they grew old together, even after Sakusa had to say goodbye to volleyball and Kita went into retirement. He wanted their hair to fade together as aging changed them, but Kita would still always look beautiful as ever, as the day he first met him. He wanted the long walks in the parks, the simple days of leisure and spending time with each other, and laughing at idiot kids across the street at the noisy neighbor’s house. He wanted all those moments, in-between, and more!
So why was the universe deciding he couldn’t have that? That he was far too greedy to get that and this was his punishment for his selfish desires as a man in love?
Why were they deciding Kita wasn’t deserving of more time on this Earth? What did he ever do besides care for himself and others like no other had before? Why was that a crime in its eyes?
He didn’t understand any of it. Why was this fate? Why couldn’t it have been him instead? If he could, he would gladly switch places with him right now in this moment, but he can’t because he has his own clock that he can’t trade because fate is like that. You’re stuck with yours whether you want it or not. Isn’t that great?
“Kiyoomi,” Kita reached up, gently holding his face in his hands. “Don’t cry.”
“What the hell else am I supposed to do?” Sakusa felt his resolve break, his hands gripping at Kita’s soft, weak wrists. “Y - You’re gonna be gone! Your time is up, what am I supposed to -”
Kita bumped foreheads with him, smiling softly even when Sakusa could tell he had tears welling in his eyes as well. Even as it fell, he continued to smile. He was too kind for this world. Was that why they were taking him back from him?
“A...A heart that has been broke is a heart that has been loved,” Kita said softly, “A life that’s been loved is a life that’s been lived. I heard that in a song once. Do you think it’s true?”
“I don’t know, I just know everything fucking hurts right now. It’s an unbearable sort of pain, one that don’t think will fade any time soon,” Sakusa cried like the ugly crier he was, tears falling down his cheeks and onto the stupid sheet for a cover surrouding them.
“Someday, maybe,” Kita whispered softly, he sounded just as bad as Sakusa. He didn’t even sound like he believed it, like he was hoping desperately it was the truth.
Sakusa didn’t want to hear it. This pain was here to stay, to consume him, to torment him until there was nothing more of him outside of anguish and agony. He slid his arms down Kita’s wrist and found his way to his jawline, bringing him closer to kiss him, to feel him one last time, to have him.
“I’m scared,” Sakusa admitted, crying against Kita. He wrapped his arms around Kita, holding him in place as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. He felt himself shaking, but he could tell Kita wasn’t doing any better as his arms slipped around him just the same. The way his hands quivered on his back as he pushed him closer, until there was no space breaching them anymore. “I’m terrified of this, of losing you. I don’t think I can handle it, I’ve never had something this close to my heart, this precious in my life. What am I going to do without you? Is there even a life that’s happy beyond you?”
He felt Kita’s hand slip back his neck and into his hair, gently massaging his scalp. He was kind, even until the end, no matter what situation he was in. He hated and loved that about him. It was ruining him knowing it would be gone in a matter of minutes, but at the same time, he wanted all he could take before it was no more, before Kita himself was no more.
The memories he held of Kita would become his safe haven yet his own personal torture. The smell that once carried its place through their shared home would ruin him day by day when he went home. Everytime he would see something that loosely connected to Kita, he would lose himself in the grief and tears until he couldn’t cry anymore, even when he wanted to.
How would he manage to look Atsumu in the eye? Could he even spike like usual, continue onward with his career until his bones ached and he was no longer of top condition due to the typical aging? How could he live with this grief? How could he do it when Kita would be everywhere to haunt him, with the pain and the memory of their love, of him?
“It’s okay,” Kita whispered against his lips, still smiling like the stupid idiot he is. Everything was crumbling around Sakusa, and for once, Kita couldn’t fix it or ease it. He couldn’t stand by his side anymore because before they both would know it, he wouldn’t take another breath.
“It’s not okay! Nothing about this -”
“You can’t let your life stop because of this!” Kita yelled, his mouth finally not a fucking smile. He glared up at Sakusa, the tears falling down his cheeks. “We both knew it was going to happen, this isn’t something you can prepare for or stop. That’s the reality of it, Kiyoomi. My life...it wasn’t one in vain. I lived a good life. My grandmother raised me right, and I always felt like I could go to her no matter what, even late into adulthood. I got to play great matches with the teams I joined. I got to meet you, I... I got to love someone and be loved in return. This relationship of ours filled me with joy. I have known so much happiness. I’ve lived a happy life, but you still have an entire life before you.”
‘Even if you say that, demand that of me, how can I even begin to be who I was before this tragedy haunting my being?’ Sakusa can’t help but think as the tears overflow and drip down his cheeks. Everything hurts so much already and he isn’t even gone yet.
“I can’t forget you.”
“I know.”
“I can’t just stop my feelings for you.”
“I know that.”
“This grief won’t just go away.”
“I know that too.”
“Then what are you asking of me, Shinsuke?!” Sakusa cried, wanting to bury his face in his hands. Everything was all too much right then and there.
“To live.” Kita said, crying just as hard. “I know it’ll be hell, and I know it’s callous of me to ask this of you, but please...don’t lose yourself. Stay here and shine brighter than anyone else, become someone great and unforgettable because no matter where I go or where I am, I’ll want to see you shooting your shot. You can’t let Atsumu outbeat you now.”
Sakusa kissed him messily, holding onto him. For one more memory, so he can never forget this. He doesn’t want to forget the way his cologne smelt, how warm his body was, the gentle touches of his hands, how soft his lips were against his even as the saltiness of the tears mixed in with all of it. He didn’t want to forget, even if these memories tormented him and dragged him down every second. He didn’t want to forget the love and the life he shared with Kita Shinsuke.
How lucky was he to have shared this undeniable, soul-crushing love with Kita Shinsuke, the kindest, sweetest, and most selfless man of them all?
“I promise, I promise, I -” He kissed and he kissed, breaths shaken and shortened as he muttered those two words against his lips again and again like a broken record. He cried and cried, holding onto Kita for dear life. Kita didn’t complain for a second, by the way he held onto Sakusa tightly, he knew neither of them wanted to let go for a second as the clock ticked down until the end, until they were no more, because Kita was no more.
The last memory of Kita Shinsuke he holds is the same man. Instead of the warmth and safety that usually consumed him, this memory leaves his tortured as his lover goes paler and colder in his arms. His breath stops and his hands fall from where they were clinging tightly onto him. His body has fallen still in his arms as the realization hits him. The dread builds up and even though his body is tired from crying, the tears still escape him and the cries for his lost lover carry onward. His clock is still ticking, however, leaving him without the only thing that made his clock worth living for.
Kita Shinsuke, his lover, was no more, and in turn, he is no more.