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“How do people even willingly do this?” Minho mumbles before walking up to the fridge to grab something to eat, while Jisung, his husband, sits on the countertop watching him pace around in their small kitchen. “Come on jisung tell me you’re at least one ounce of nervous?” Minho says, looking up at Jisung through the roof of his glasses. Jisung just manages to stifle a laughter before jumping off the worktop and placing his hands on Minho’s waist, “I’m so nervous it makes me scared,” he says while rubbing circles on his husbands back- food be damned, they have a baby to worry about. “We’ll be okay though because we’re doing it together.” Minho smiles at him before pressing a kiss to Jisung’s nose.
Around a month later, Minho and Jisung are roaming the aisles of Ikea, Minho walking besides Jisung who pushes the trolley with determination, “I’m just saying, we should have the cot in one corner and then have—”
“Sungie, I know, we’ve been over this for a month, what I’m saying is that we can also move things around once we’ve settled” Jisung huffs a little pausing in his steps, pushing his hair up with his hand and staring at Minho who in return raises his eyebrow, “What? Is my suggestion not reasonable?” Jisung sighs, “That’s exactly what, you’re right…” Minho smiles and brushes his hand across Jisung’s cheek, then takes the trolley from Jisung, “Let’s go get the paint.”
Swatches of egg shell white and acorn white and whatever cream colour they decided on, dusts the light grey wall of the once study room now awaiting baby room. Jisung staring at the wall with confusion, he would’ve thought being married to an interior designer would rub off on him. He stares intently at the wall for a few more minuets until Minho walks in with two ice americano’s, sipping gently on his while passing the other to Jisung. “I think we should keep the grey, and then paint the cot cream, what do you think Sungie?” Minho is met with a hum, “yeah I like that idea actually, lets put the cot in the middle of the room?” Minho nods and smiles at Jisung, pecking his lips gently then goes to wrap his arms around him.
“Wow guys, this is really great” After five months and a lot of changes and shifts, the two invited their friends over to show them the finished product- especially since they helped with building the cot since Jisung wasn’t having any of it, Chan managing to do it with Minho in a perfect hour and a half. The six of them had helped tidy around the house while also assembling mini things that needed installing into the room. “We did it all together.” So, into the evening they went and enjoyed dinner, with only two months until they welcomed their baby into the world.
It’s not until a few weeks later do they find themselves standing in front of the hospital and Minho has to handle a bundle of nerves that is Han Jisung. The hospital had called earlier in the morning to let them know their surrogate had gone into labour at dawn, both of them not hesitating to pull on clothes at that moment. “It’ll be okay, right? Tell me it’s okay” Minho holds him by the waist tighter and kisses his cheek, “Of course Sungie, you said so yourself, we’re doing it together.”
They allow themselves to be walked into the hospital with a slow pace and, slowly but surely do they get called to meet their new born. Hands held tightly between their bodies, do they walk with determination and urgency, soft sighs escaping Jisung’s lips in a quiet way to calm himself down and maybe to reassure Minho that he too feels the need to hold and care for their unmet child straight away.
Words are unsaid but an instant connection is created once eyes land on their small baby girl. Her frail hands scrunched up in small fists, her eyelashes fanning her cheeks as she sleeps all while she snores lightly. A quiet, chocked up sob leaves Minho’s mouth as he approaches the cradle, Jisung slowly trailing behind him. “Sungie, look she has your nose and cheeks” Minho whispers as he delicately rubs his fingers across her soft cheeks. Jisung sniffles and Minho grabs his right hand gently and intertwines their fingers, a slight reassurance to his husband.
When allowed to hold the baby, Jisung takes the opportunity first, “I want to” his small voice picking up right after the nurse asked Minho if they wanted to hold the baby. The nurse carefully picks up their child and places her in Jisung’s arms. He exhales with a shaky breath and Minho takes his phone out to quickly take a video. He cradles her closely to his chest and makes little coos at her while fixing her blanket around her small body. Minho can’t help but smile and tear up at the sight in front of him, “My small babies” he whispers and Jisung looks up at him, content, proud and just happy.
As time passes throughout the day, formalities checked and signed, do they get to take her home, her room decorated and her cradle awaiting. Together they enter their apartment and together do they greet their daughter into a new world, “Welcome home Lee Haneul.”
A few weeks after as they both lay in their bed, closely snuggled up and warm, not allowing the October air to chill them, do they hear a cry from the room next door. A tight squeal of attention and hunger, “Sungie,” Minho rubs his hand gently against the arm that wraps around his waist, he repeats himself quickly in order to wake Jisung up but fails. He picks up his hand and manoeuvres himself around in the bed hesitantly, trying to not wake up Jisung as he quickly walks over to Haneul’s room and to her bedside, trying not to trip over anything in the dark of her room, even if her star night light glows.
He instantly makes soothing noises when coming into contact with her tear stained cheeks, “Is my Hannie hungry, oh no, no don’t cry, it’s okay.” He picks her up and rocks her side to side while wiping her tears away and her cries turn into sniffles and then into calm breathing, “That’s a good baby.” Minho carefully walks out of her room and into the kitchen to grab her bottle, feeding her and making sure she falls asleep well.
Once she calms down, he takes her into his room with Jisung and lies back down, his back against the headboard and Haneul in his arms. Jisung must feel the warmth return in the bed as he wraps his arms around Minho’s thighs, and rubs his face against the pillow, Minho gently pushing Jisung’s hair out of his eyes. Like this, Minho is content. “Hannie okay?” Jisung grumbles as he lifts himself up and level with Minho, placing his head on his shoulder, looking down at the bundle in Minho’s arms, while also wrapping his arms around Minho’s waist. “Hm, just hungry” Jisung sighs and rubs his face against Minho’s shoulder then proceeding to get up while yawning, “Me too” Minho laughs at his husband and looks at the time which read three am. He watches Jisung makes his way out their room and hears him padding down to the kitchen.
Jisung comes back after a quick banana and sips of some tea Minho bought to help him calm his nerves down when he wakes at night. Walking past Haneul’s bedroom, noticing that she still has yet to return to her cot, he makes his way into his own room, seeing Minho laying with Haneul beside him, her hands opening and closing in her sleep. Minho’s hands placed around her small frame in a protective manner. Jisung smiles and goes to join them, fixing the covers over their bodies carefully trying not to wake the two. Finally, sleeping peacefully.
They find that the cats seem to love Haneul’s presence and that is returned, as Haneul makes grabby hands at Soonie, Doongie and Dori while they’re held in Minho’s arms and Haneul in Jisung’s, they take in the quiet interaction happening in front of them. Minho had made sure to give the cats enough time to adjust to the new born before actually introducing them to their baby, which had worked in their favour as Haneul reached her fourth month mark, being a very well-mannered baby. Haneul sounding vowels at them, random shouts escaping her as she tries to involve herself into a conversation with the cats, they in return, purr as a response and gently rub their faces against Haneul’s small frame, Jisung making sure she’s held tight against his body, “This is the cutest thing” Minho squeals, Jisung laughing lightly at Minho as he tries to take pictures to then send to their group chat later.
Haneul can follow movements and process what’s happening around her when she’s met everyone in their friendship group. Hyunjin bringing all the cute bow headbands, Chan and Felix bringing her dresses that are just too big for her, Changbin being all cute around the baby and Seungmin making sure to take pictures of every single moment, while Jeongin addresses the fact that he is “finally older.” She can make little sounds and flashes gummy smiles all round as they try to tickle her small belly, her cheeks rounding and only then does Minho realise, “Jisung, oh my gosh, Sungie, she’s got dimples!” He picks up Haneul and tickles her in order to show Jisung her precious smile. They both coo at her face, Jisung booping her little nose, her face morphs into a yawn and Minho rocks her gently, her eyes closing, but is instantly awoken by the sound of Seungmin snapping a picture on his camera. It’s only when they all leave does Haneul fall into sleep with the peace of her parents around her.
Around eight months later, at Haneul’s first birthday, she’s able to sit and is flashing everyone she knows an almost toothy smile and Minho can’t help but squeeze her cheeks lightly when she does. They end up having a small party on their own in their living room with all of Haneul’s favourite songs ranging from Baby Shark to Chan’s remake of ‘Rubber Ducky.’ They feed her all her special baby foods, especially blended banana and apple. She waves her arms up and down, a new shaker grasped in her closed fist, shaking it up and down while Minho sings to her and Jisung fixes her headband. Both have also discovered that Haneul does in fact not like to crawl but shuffle on her bum to move around, which ensues laughter within their household, cooing at her laziness. They play together for what feels like hours on this cold Saturday afternoon in October, but it feels so warm with the feel in their hearts and care in their eyes, they have their Haneul.
“Han Jisung if you don’t come out of our room this instant!” Minho is handling a wobbly legged Haneul on her changing table, her cardigan a little too big on her frame paired with her shorts. Jisung scrambles out of their room, glasses falling off the tip of his nose and his own cardigan falling off his shoulders, making his way into Haneul’s room, “What’s wrong, are you okay? Are you hurt?” Minho laughs and Haneul claps her hands in the sight of her father, “Yeah we’re just fine, look at this little one, she’s standing!” Minho moves a little to the side so he’s just holding Haneul by her left arm, Jisung smiling at the two of them, “Oh look at you Haneul-ah, all grown up” Haneul makes a face at Jisung as she makes grabby hands at him, her mouth forming the exact word, “Appa” that pulls at Jisung’s heart. “Jisung, she just- did she just- Hannie say it again baby,” Haneul passes a confused face at her parents and falls onto her bottom, a tiny “oof” escaping her lips, her eyes glassy from the fall looking up at the two. Minho picks her up into an embrace and she laughs a little that makes Jisung join in the hug, “Appa!” Haneul repeats, “Yes baby, we’re right here.” Minho places a kiss on her forehead and then to Jisung’s lips, “Do you think she can walk too?” Jisung questions, and Minho instantly crouches down to the floor.
“Okay Hannie-ah we’re going to try to walk yes?” Haneul nods her head and Jisung takes a few steps back to the entrance of the room, sitting down on the floor his arms open and awaiting the warmth of his daughter. Minho holds Haneul’s small hands in his own, and gets on his knees in order to walk along with her. She brings her right foot in front of her and wobbles slightly, Minho reassuring her of his presence by placing another hand round her body. They take a few more steps forward and finally Minho lets go of Haneul as she waddles into Jisung’s frame, wrapping her arms around his neck and Jisung falling back into the floor laughing uncontrollably, “You did it Hannie! Well done baby!” He places kisses all over her face as she laughs, while Minho watches with adoration.
When Jisung arrives home from work, slightly stressed and brain tired, all he wants is to lie down in his bed and sleep while getting cuddles from Minho, who seems to not be home yet. He takes his shoes off and places his keys in their place by the door, he spots the other pair of shoes in the corner and walks further into his home. “Thanks, Hyunjin, for looking after Haneul today, means a lot.” Hyunjin is playing with Haneul as they sit on the couch watching Ponyo. “Don’t thank me, I love looking after this little one,” he replies as he bounces her in his lap, she giggles, “She also seems to love this whole mermaid concept” Jisung laughs as he takes his blazer off and unravels his tie from his neck, “Oh is that right Hannie-ah?” He picks her up from Hyunjin’s lap and gently throws her up into the air and she screeches happily, “Don’t do that, you give me a heart attack,” Hyunjin exclaims, being the dramatic person he is, gasping and pretending to faint, Jisung thinks Hyunjin is the best because he seems to know that he’s upset and needs a mood boost, “Oh, also, Minho hyung told me he’s on his way home.” Jisung nods at him and bounces Haneul on his hip as she grabs at her dad’s long hair.
Hyunjin leaves after Jisung has settled into his own clothes and a warm shower, so all at once Jisung is left to some time alone with Haneul, only he realises that he’s so tired his eyes are heavy and holding Haneul while she cries has started to become irritating. The twenty-four-month-old baby seeming to not understand the quiet hushing and soothing at that one moment Jisung feels his head aching. He entertains the idea of just calling Minho and screaming at him to hurry home, but knows that his husband will only feel the same way when he enters the house.
Quickly he thinks of feeding Haneul. Grabbing her playmat and extra toys that chan had dropped over two days earlier, placing them in front of her, her sobs deflating into little huffs as she whispers to herself. Jisung places cushions around her small frame so she doesn’t fall or run away, now with her ability to almost get up and make a move for it.
“Okay, let’s get some food into you.” He says as he pokes her stomach as she pushes her long stray pieces of hair out of her face, “Appa, hungry” Jisung nods at her and pats her back gently, “Yes I know baby, give me two seconds.” Jisung manages to bring out some soft rice and a little bit of meat, getting a small amount of it onto the feeding spoon before lifting it to her mouth, but to his dismay, Haneul starts crying again, screaming in his face. “Oh baby, look, I have food, open up now,” Jisung tries, his headache growing quicker, “No!” she screams, tears flowing down her cheeks, Jisung drops the food back into the plate and rubs a hand through his hair. He feels the time go in slow motion as he watches his child cry and he doesn’t know what to do because only Minho can handle a squealing Haneul with kisses and quiet promises and Jisung, he just wants his husband to be home and his child to be happy. He takes a deep breath and counts to ten. He realises that Haneul has stopped crying, so, he opens his eyes and she looks at him, eyes glassy and lips pouting. There’s a silence for what feels like forever but as if Haneul has an on and off button, she starts crying again.
Jisung just slumps on the carpet, giving up and just sighs in exhaustion, “Tell Appa, Hannie, what’s wrong baby, please” Jisung’s voice breaking just slightly. And all of a sudden it feels too much, a long day at work, a growing headache, no Minho and a crying Haneul- that even Jisung bursts into his own anguishing tears, he doesn’t know how long for but he knows that Haneul cries and he’s crying too, the same frustration and whatever stress this baby can hold.
It’s not until he feels a light hand on his thighs that he brings his hands out of his face and looks down at the touch, Haneul tries to balance herself to stand up and she’s no longer crying. She tries to grab hold of Jisung’s face, coming closer and grabbing his hair, Jisung sniffling as she climbs him. He picks her up from her legs slightly to help her up, she then grabs his face and wipes her father’s tears off his cheeks.
In that moment, “Sungie, I’m home baby!” Jisung allows himself to take in a deep breath and feel endeared by his daughter’s actions. He hears Minho’s feet pad across their flooring and into the living room, “Oh what do we have here?” He examines as he walks up to his family, sitting behind Jisung and back hugging him, Jisung deflating into him as Minho rubs circles into his stomach, Haneul sniffles at Minho, “Appa cry.” Haneul looks at Minho, who has perched his chin on Jisung’s shoulder. “Why is Appa sad Hannie?” Haneul shakes her head and falls into Jisung’s lap. Jisung lets a laugh out of his mouth and inhales after, turning to look at Minho, “Oh Sungie,” Minho tries and then proceeds to peck Jisung’s lips, Jisung letting a chocked sob leave his lips, Haneul seems too occupied with her toys now that Minho is able to man handle Jisung into his lap fully holding him.
“I’m so sorry Min, I tried to feed Haneul and she just cried and I’ve had a bad day, I’m so—"Minho doesn’t allow Jisung to finish as he holds him tighter, “Hey, don’t be sorry, it’s okay, I’m here now, so don’t worry.” He kisses his cheek and Jisung gets up from his lap and plops himself onto the couch.
Minho picks Haneul up and addresses the food on the floor, “Oh Hannie, look at the mess Appa made baby, are you still hungry hm?” Haneul nods her head and rubs her face into the neck of her father and then proceeds to rub her eyes, “Oh you’re tired too, me too, a very long day.” He pulls a sad face at Haneul, who just finds it amusing and her dimples show on her cheeks while her eyes turn into crescents. “I did not make that mess” Jisung interferes, which gets him a pointed look from Minho, “Haneul I think we should look after the mess that is your Appa first, what do you think?” Haneul immediately seems to understand and tries to push herself out of her dad’s arms, Minho letting her down to the floor so she can climb the sofa to climb into Jisung’s arms, “Appa happy?” Jisung nods at Haneul and extends a hand to Minho to join them.
“Yes, Appa is happy now.” Jisung smiles at his little ball of sunshine even though she had been screaming at him two minutes ago, he knows that her smile and her laughs can cheer him up any day. He also knows that the arm wrapped around him constantly will never disappear, that he will stay with him. He knows that the smiles that he receives in the morning will be never ending and the kisses at night will be content, because he knows. They both know they’re doing this together.
And if Jisung was the moon, Minho the sun, then Haneul is their sky holding them together.