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ROMANCE ADVICE FOR FUCKING WRIGGLERS

Summary:

Karkat is sick of everyone busting into his memo's to ask for romantic advice, so he decides to make a new board on which the only goal is for people to ask advice of him.

So, he starts the R.A.F.F.W. board.

Chapter Text

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board ROMANCE ADVICE FOR FUCKING WRIGGLERS.

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CCG opened memo on board ROMANCE ADVICE FOR FUCKING WRIGGLERS.

CCG: OKAY, LISTEN UP FOR ONCE EVERY-FUCKING-ONE.
CCG: AS EVERYONE WAS FILLING MY EXCELLENT MEMO'S TO DISCUSS IMPORTANT THINGS WITH THEIR OWN FUCKING ROMANCE QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF JUST SHUTTING THE FUCK UP,
CCG: I'M MAKING THIS BOARD WHERE YOU CAN PUT YOUR FUCKING QUESTIONS, SO THE OTHER BOARD CAN STAY ON-TOPIC.
CCG: GOT IT???
CCG: I FUCKING HOPE SO.
CCG: HERE ARE THE RULES.
CCG: 1. DON’T FUCK THIS PLACE UP TOO BY ASKING OTHER THINGS OR I’LL HAVE TO BAN YOU.
CCG: 2. I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO INTERRUPT WHO HAS TO DO WITH THE RELATIONSHIP I’M TALKING ABOUT.
CCG: GET IN FUCKING LINE.
CCG: OTHERWISE YOU’LL BE BANNED AS WELL.
CCG: NOT THAT BANNING SEEMS TO HELP MUCH.
CCG: SO YEAH, WANT SOME FUCKING ROMANCE ADVICE?
CCG: THEN THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE.
CCG: GO AHEAD, ASK ME!
CCG: OH YEAH, HUMANS ARE ALLOWED HERE AS WELL.
CCG: NOT THAT I’M FUCKING INVITING YOU HERE, THOUGH.
??? ectoBiologist [?EB] at ?:?? responded to memo.
?EB: hi, karkat!
CCG: EGBERT. I HOPE YOU ARE HERE FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE.
?EB: wow, so this is how a memo feels like?
?EB: i hope more people enter here in a bit, it sure would be a lot of fun!

CCG: FUCK.
CCG: I COULD HAVE KNOWN.
CCG: I KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON, SO YOU GET A SECOND CHANCE, EGBERT.
CCG: ROMANTIC ADVICE, OR NOT?
?EB: umm, i just feel like talking with you, karkat!
?EB: and experiencing what a memo is like!

CCG: THEN DO THAT IN PRIVATE, JOHN.
CCG: I'M HERE FOR DIFFERENT STUFF.
CCG banned ?EB from responding to memo.
CCG: AND THIS IS CERTAINLY NOT THE PLACE TO LEARN HOW FUCKING MEMO'S WORK.
CCG: AND NEITHER ARE MY OTHER MEMO'S WHICH YOU CAN'T REACH.
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 1:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey kar
CCG: OF COURSE, I COULD HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO GET HERE FIRST FOR REAL ADVICE.
CCG: OKAY, SO WHAT DO YOU NEED ADVICE WITH?
CCG: RED OR BLACK?
FCA: both
CCG: GREAT START FOR THIS BOARD.
CCG: I DON'T GET A COMBINATION OF BOTH OFTEN.
CCG: GO AHEAD, ASK ME.
FCA: so umm yeah
FCA: its about fef and sol
FCA: and their relationship

CCG: RELATIONSHIP?
CCG: IS THIS SOME MORE FUCKING TIMESHIT I'M NOT ENOUGH IN THE FUTURE FOR?
FCA: sort of
FCA: they already had red feelings for each other for some time
FCA: but they only recently started showwin it to the rest

CCG: I SEE.
CCG: SO, IS IT FLUSHED OR PALE?
FCA: thats the thin im not sure
FCA: but wwhatevver it is sol took either my fuckin ex-moirail or potential matesprit

CCG: BUT I THOUGHT FEFERI WASN'T INTERESTED TO BE EITHER FOR YOU ANYMORE.
FCA: yeah but i think i still stood a chance to get her back
FCA: but as a matesprit
FCA: sol is meddlin betwween us too much

FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 1:13 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: oh cod
FCC: -Eridan!
FCC: YOU are t)(e one meddling.
FCC: 3>8[

FCA: fef but i
FCC: No buts, -Eridan!
FCC: It's over between us, and I am moving on.
FCC: You s)(ould as well.

CCG banned FCC from responding to memo.
CCG: READ THE FUCKING RULES, FEFERI.
CCG: YOU CAN DISCUSS THIS WITH ERIDAN IN PRIVATE IF YOU WANT.
CCG: BUT NOT HERE.
FCA: im a fuckin moron
CCG: WELL, YOU CAN STILL MAKE THINGS RIGHT AGAIN IF YOU TRY TO.
FCA: no thats not wwhat i mean kar
FCA: im a fuckin idiot for usin this board to talk about my feelings
FCA: wwhy the fuck wwould i do this fef and evven sol can read this

FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 0:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: eheheheheh
FTA: you got that riight.

CCG banned FTA from responding to memo.
CCG: ERIDAN.
CCG: IT'S FOR THE BEST IF YOU TALK ABOUT IT HERE.
CCG: THEY CAN FIND OUT HOW YOU REALLY FEEL AND UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER.
FCA: no its no use
FCA: im out of here
FCA
quit responding to memo.
CCG: FUCKING GREAT.
CCG: I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE SOME GOOD ADVICE HERE, BUT I COULDN'T EVEN START DECENTLY THANKS TO YOU SHITHEADS.
CCG: UGH, I'M FEELING FUCKING EXHAUSTED.
CCG: IF I CAN'T GIVE THE NEXT PERSON ANY ADVICE THEN I SWEAR I'M GOING TO DO A FUCKING PIROUETTE OF THE HANDLE.
CCG: IT'LL BE THE BIGGEST PIROUETTE EVER DONE IN HISTORY.
CCG: IT WILL GO INTO EVERY HISTORY BOOK AND BE REMEMBERED BY EVERYONE FOREVER.
CCG: THE TEXT ACCOMPANYING IT WILL SAY:
CCG: "THE BIGGEST PIROUETTE EVER MADE. ON THIS DAY, A TROLL MANAGED TO JUMP ALL THE WAY INTO SPACE AND BEYOND BY ONLY USING A HANDLE. FROM NOW ON, THIS DAY SHALL BE KNOWN AS PIROUETTE DAY."
CCG: PIROUETTE DAY WILL BE THE DAY ON WHICH EVERYONE HAS TO WASTE THEIR WHOLE DAY ON MAKING PIROUETTES OFF A HANDLE.
CCG: BUT NOBODY WILL EVER SUCCEED IN MAKING A BETTER PIROUETTE THAN I WILL DO SOON.
??? turntechGodhead [?TG] at ?:?? responded to memo.
?TG: i bet everyone reading what you just said was expecting the next person responding to be here for advice
?TG: so you could get satisfaction
?TG: well you got that wrong

CCG banned ?TG from responding to memo.
CCG: FUCK YOU, STRIDER.
CCG: FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE IN ON.
CCG: I'M BEGINNING TO DOUBT ANYONE WILL BE COMING FOR REAL ADVICE FOR NOW.
CCG: MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CLOSE THIS MEMO.
PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 0:50 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAT: hEYY

CCG: OH. HELLO.
CCG: I HOPE YOU'RE HERE FOR SOME REAL ADVICE?
PAT: yEAH, i AM,
CCG: GOOD.
CCG: LET ME GUESS.
CCG: VRISKA?
PAT: nO, aCTUALLY,
PAT: iT'S, uHH, aBOUT SOMEONE ELSE,

CCG: OH?
CCG: WELL, THAT'S A SURPRISE FOR ONCE.
CCG: WHO IS IT?
PAT: iT'S,
PAT: uHH,
PAT: a HUMAN,

CCG: A HUMAN?
CCG: YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR A HUMAN?
CCG: HAHA, OH MY GOD.
PAT: uHH, iM SERIOUS,
CCG: I THOUGHT SO, BUT IT'S JUST SO FUCKING FUNNY. A TROLL HAVING FEELINGS FOR A HUMAN. HAHA.
PAT: bUT, uHH, dON'T YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ONE OF THEM AS WELL?
CCG: FUCK YOU, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
CCG: THAT'S JUST A RUMOR SPREAD BY SOME FUCKASS PROBABLY.
CCG: AND MY FEELINGS ARE NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
PAT: oH, oKAY.
CCG: ANYWAY,
CCG: WHO?
CCG: RED OR BLACK?
PAT: iT'S VERY RED,
PAT: aND,
PAT: uHH,
PAT: jADE i GUESS,

CCG: YOU ARE RED FOR THE JADE HUMAN?
CCG: HAHAHAHAHA
CCG: I HOPE VRISKA'S READING THIS
CCG: I'D LOVE TO SEE HER FACE RIGHT NOW.
CCG: AND NO, SERKET,
CCG: THAT'S NOT A FUCKING INVITATION TO ANSWER HERE.
CCG: SO ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP WITH, TAVROS?
PAT: i, uHH, aM NOT SURE HOW i SHOULD TELL HER HOW I FEEL,
CCG: WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU NEED TO HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE.
CCG: SERIOUSLY, IF YOU CONFESS YOUR FEELINGS TO HER LIKE HOW YOU USUALLY TALK, SHE WON'T WANT TO BECOME YOUR MATESPRIT ANYWAY EVEN IF SHE FEELS THE SAME LIKE YOU DO.
PAT: uHH, oKAY,
PAT: sO, i JUST HAVE TO SAY, wITH A LOT OF CONFIDENCE i GUESS, hOW i FEEL ABOUT HER?

CCG: NO YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD.
CCG: YOU CAN'T JUST START A CONVERSATION WITH HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER AND EXPECT HER TO GO ALONG WITH IT.
CCG: DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ROMANCE?
CCG: YOU SHOULD FIRST TALK ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS,
CCG: AND THEN WHEN BOTH OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE,
CCG: AND YOU'RE VERY SURE YOU LIKE HER IN A FLUSHED WAY,
CCG: YOU CAN TELL HER.
PAT: i SEE,
PAT: tHANKS kARKAT.
PAT: i'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND, i GUESS.

CCG: AND STOP WITH THOSE FUCKING "I GUESS'S" AND THOSE "UHH'S".
CCG: THOSE ARE SIGNS OF WEAK CONFIDENCE.
CCG: DON'T DO THAT WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO HER.
PAT: oKAY, i WILL TRY THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.
PAT: tHANKS AGAIN, kARKAT.
PAT: bYE.

CCG: BYE AND GOOD LUCK.
PAT quit responding to memo.
CCG: BUT HAHA, THIS IS STILL FUCKING HILARIOUS. TAVROS FEELING FLUSHED FOR JADE.
CCG: ANYWAY, I'M FEELING VERY TIRED NOW.
CCG: I GUESS I'LL BE BACK LATER TO LISTEN TO MORE OF YOU PAST AND FUTURE SHITHEADS.
CCG closed memo.