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Darkness. The crackle of thunder. A wet, guttural shrill, locking his body in place. Rain soaking everything and everyone; blurry vision. A flash. Another. A pool of familiar blood. Diamond darkening and turning into vines, crumbling to dust without any effect. Fjord's lifeless body, because Clay failed-
“NO!” Caduceus wakes up with a scream, drenched in sweat. He's almost grateful in his relief that the rest are such heavy sleepers. But maybe that's what doomed them the last time.
It takes him a while but he shakes it off, at least on the surface. He needs to calm down; he needs to cook, he prepares the group breakfast.
Throughout the day, Jester notices he’s gloomier than usual and avoiding everyone, but she doesn’t say anything. It’s only after she sees Caduceus startle and almost swat at a stray seagull flying above the ship that she decides to intervene.
“Caduceus seems weird today, don’t you think, Fjord?”
“‘Weird’ how?”
“Like, off. I don’t know, I can’t really explain it.”
“Should we… do something about it?”
He’s barely halfway through the sentence as she starts dragging him towards the firbolg, stomping with a purpose. “Caduceus! Fjord has a question to the wind!”
“That’s actually pretty convenient,” Caduceus murmurs under his breath at the sight of both of them. He speaks up, “Did you want something?”
“Not really, it’s just… Jester…”
“I was never here~” Her voice lilts, the tiefling already halfway below the deck, about to pretend she’s fixing the cannons for a whole total of nine minutes before getting bored.
“Huh. So Fjord...”
“Yes?”
“Do you have a moment?”
“For you, Caduceus? Always. How can I help you?”
Clay motions at the crow’s nest for Fjord to join him there and begins to climb the ladder. He sits in a comfortable position and starts rambling. “I have a really weird question to ask the Wildmother. I’m not sure if I want us to know the answer, but maybe I do… I’m trying to be honest. With you, with Her and with myself. And it's not very easy.” He chuckles nervously.
“That’s… not ominous at all,” Fjord sorts as he kneels relaxed next to the cleric.
“And please, don’t take it the wrong way. I don’t regret what I did.” He smiles warmly at Fjord.
Then, his attention shifts to the small circle of ground and incense, and he speaks into the ether, “Was it wrong of me to bring Fjord back to life?”
The wind is gentle, almost playful, and the only meaning of an answer that comes to both of them is, “What do you think, my Clay?”
“I don’t know, Wildmother. I want to trust my judgement, but I’ve been wrong before. I don’t know anything anymore. And you almost took him away from me,” Caduceus tries his best not to sound accusing, and she understands why he fails.
“It was way too close. And I couldn’t lose you. Not like this. I feel like a hypocrite, Fjord. I just gave everyone this speech about justice and knowing what’s your actual goal… and then I threw it all overboard the second you were in danger. And I- we almost lost you, I-I... it was this close. Too close.” Caduceus sobs quietly, shaking his head.
“It’s okay, Caduceus. Shhh, breathe.” Fjord places his hand on Caduceus’s back, comforting him.
“I know it wasn’t a test, but it feels like it was.”
"I won’t tell you how to feel about this. I had a dream the night before, though. You weren't the only one watching over me, that night. She was there too."
The thought would usually put Caduceus more at ease. Not this time. His voice is shaky and his whole body trembles. "I know."
“I should’ve been more careful, it’s not your fault. And hey, after all, I’m still here. Thanks to you.”
Caduceus smiles at him through tears as Fjord pulls him in for a long hug. “That’s true. You’re still here.”
"And, you know. You're not a hypocrite. It's perfectly fine that you want me to be safe. It's okay for you to want all sorts of things, Ducey. No one is gonna judge you for it. It's okay to be a little selfish from time to time. Let what you want be known to the world." Fjord echoes the words he heard from Jester not so long ago and lets them linger as he waits for a response.
Caduceus smiles at him. "Alright then." He leans in to bump their foreheads together and grabs Fjord's hand, meeting his gaze and looking at him with pure unfettered fondness.
There’s a response at the tip of his tongue. He opens his mouth to speak but quickly blinks in confusion. “Huh, when did it get so dark? Another storm brewing?”
“Oh. We must be at the spot, the meeting. Kryn darkness is apparently portable.”
“Oh yeah! We should probably join everyone.”
As they’re climbing down from the crow's nest, Caduceus looks at it begrudgingly from below. He had such a nice pillow fort in there, now just full of drying blood. “You know, I'll fight an ancient leviathan for you if I have to."
"And you did, sorta. I didn't really… see it. I heard your words that blinked me back to consciousness for a moment, but… Caleb said you fought very hard for me. Thank you. And for the… jewel face."
"Always. Don't you ever die again like this."
"I'm sorry. I'll try not to."