Chapter Text
“My favorite person in the entire world is Haruka Nanase,” I say. “He used to be a great swimmer in high school, I was on the same team as him, I wasn’t as good by far.”
The class of five handicapped children glares at me, because they’re fully interested in my explanation of the assignment they’re going to do for tomorrow.
“We’re best friends, always have been.” I smile lightly, thinking back to the simple days when we were still in high school thinking that choosing a college would be the toughest choice we’d ever have to make. “He always was silent and sometimes he could be really rude, but that didn’t make me like him less. Haruka’s my favorite person of everyone I know.”
It takes the younger kids a moment to process what I just said, but eventually one of them starts clapping in his hands enthusiastically, asking, “Mister Tachibana? Could you maybe bring this friend to school one day?”
I grimace, thinking of the thing I left out of my introduction to the favorite-person-in-the-world-essay. What they don’t know is that Haruka lives with me, but there’s no way he could ever come to school. What I mean is, there’s a reason he lives at my house and not on his own, it’s because he’s unable to care of himself and his parents probably don’t even know about the state their son is in.
“Sorry.” I shake my head sadly. “I can’t, he’s… busy.”
It’s a big lie, Haruka’s busy being alive of course, but he’s not busy with work or studying like I am.
One of the younger girls, Sakura, almost starts crying when I say no. She always has difficulties with people telling her “No” and I know this, so I immediately feel bad for saying that.
“Look, I’m sorry,” I repeat and sit down, so I’m more down to the kids’ eyelevel. “Haruka… he just can’t right now, he’s a little sick.”
A little… I wince at my choice of words. Haruka’s not even near a little sick, he’s barely alive. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be working right now to earn the money I immediately have to spend on medical equipment, hospital visits and medication, and I wouldn’t also be paying a nurse right now, just so I’m able to work without permanently having to check Haruka into a housing with 24/7 care.
“But if he’s better,” I continue, still full on lying and wishing the parents will wander into the hallway soon to pick their children up. “I promise to bring him, if he’s better. Okay?”
I get a few nods, nothing more.
“Okay, back to your assignment.” I look at the paperwork on my table, all sorts of assignments these children still have to take throughout this month. “I want you all to record a little information about your favorite person in the entire world, like I did just a second ago.”
I get up from my seat and start handing out the assignments for the parents to read. As I do that, I glance at the clock in the back of the room; only three more minutes until I can go home, to Haruka.
“This can be about whoever you want,” I explain. “Your sibling, parents, best friend, or a celebrity for instance. But it can also be someone else, as long as they’re a person and not an animal or animated figure, okay?”
Taki, one of the older boys frowns and asks, “So, can I do mine about Artemis from Sailor Moon?”
I chuckle, probably sounding very off with all that’s on my mind, and shake my head in the meantime. “No, Taki,” I say, still laughing kindly. “Artemis is not a real person – nor a person at all, but you could choose the actor who voices him for instance. Or someone closer to you.”
“Okay,” Taki replies, but he still looks a little disappointed.
I hand out the last piece of paper and tell them to try to have it done by tomorrow morning. By the time that’s done, all parents have already gathered in the hallway, so all that’s left to do is to end the day with a song.
“Okay, everyone ready to end off the day?” I ask, leaning against my desk. “You know how the song goes by now, right?” I don’t even have to wait for an answer before everyone starts singing.
It only takes a few minutes before everyone has said their goodbyes and has gone home with their parents to have an afternoon full of playing.
I grab my bag and yesterday’s assignment and walk to the door; ready for the hardest part of my day to begin.
. . .
“I’m home!” I yell, knowing it’ll probably startle the poor nurse, but it’s just drilled into my system.
My tiny house is lit with dim light and I can hear the nurse’s footsteps coming closer with every second that I spend on taking off my shoes and coat.
“Oh, good afternoon, young Tachibana,” the older nurse, Aika, says with a polite smile. “You’re home early today.”
She’s always here to take care of Haruka during the daytime, since I’m working, and she still hasn’t figured out what Wednesday means; I’m always done early and I always spend these afternoons to take Haruka out for a bit, wash him, feed him and such, and when he’s sleeping, I sit down to look at my class’s assignments and do other work.
“Yes, of course,” I mumble, walking to the kitchen table and putting down my bag. “Can you take me through everything you’ve done already? After that you’re free to go, like always.”
Aika nods and starts listing everything she’s taken care of already; first and second meal of the day, muscle exercise, first batch of medication, bath and two diaper changes.
“Thank you,” I say, giving her a short bowish nod before leading her to the door, not much later. “I’ll make sure to pay you at the end of the week, I should have enough by then.”
Aika nods, and says, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” before putting on her heels and saying goodbye for today. She’ll be back by tomorrow morning, I know that, because we’ve been doing this for almost one and a half year now.
I close the door when she’s gone and quickly find myself walking towards Haruka’s room. I even lightly knock on the door and say, “I’m coming in, okay?” before sliding open the door, even though I know Haruka won’t possibly be able to understand that.
And there he is, lying in the installed hospital bed, surrounded by a heart monitor, ventilator and all kinds of medical equipment that I don’t even know the name of.
“Hi, Haruka,” I whisper, walking into the room.
His eyes are open, but it’s as if he looks straight past me. Every now and then they roll at me and he’ll mumble something inaudible, almost as if he’s mad at me for calling him Haruka. I know that, if Haruka’s in there, he’d want to tell me “Don’t call me Haruka” or something like that. But the doctors say that Haruka’s a lost cause, that nothing of his old self is in there anymore.
I lay my hand on his exposed arm and feel my throat contracting again.
I remember when they told me that Haruka was awake but not aware, in a persistent vegetative state, after we – I, Rin, Nagisa and Rei – had been anxiously waiting at the hospital for hours. We were allowed in his room, one by one, and when I saw Haruka, I barely recognized him, he had a tube going into his windpipe through his neck and he couldn’t swallow, and therefore drooled all over himself and he just… he didn’t look like the guy I’d known and loved for as long as I can remember.
It still, even after four years, hurts to see him like this; unable to move his body at all, unable to do anything but breathe, drool and move his eyes, completely oblivious to the world around him.
All of that, just because they didn’t have a defibrillator nearby… all because his heart decided to give up on him midway a competition, we had trained so hard for.
Ten minutes, that’s how long Haruka survived without receiving proper CPR. Of course, I tried… I tried my very best to give CPR, but I wasn’t able to keep his body from shutting down completely.
If we hadn’t gone to that stupid game, Haruka would’ve gone to college and he would’ve gotten a job, maybe he’d even become a professional swimmer.
But now, I’m sure, he’ll never swim again; he might not even live another week if he’s to catch a cold or get another infection today or tomorrow. And it’d be my fault, because I didn’t take good enough care of my best friend.
“I missed you” I continue, walking around to the other side of the bed. “I had a fun day with the kids again, you know? They wanted to meet you, but I told them no.”
When I take his hand in mine, I feel no muscle control, no squeeze back I’ve longed for or even any reaction, other than just Haruka’s eyes briefly moving in my direction. But he can’t see me, or maybe he can but he doesn’t process that I’m here, for as far as the doctors know.
“I know you wouldn’t want to be in front of an entire class like I do.” I smile lightly at the memory of how awkward Haruka could get when it came to having to speak in public, he’d always go silent and afterwards he would act as if he didn’t just shut down completely. “But I know what you might like.”
I let go of his hand and get a clean towel from the cabinet across the room. I wet it with some lukewarm water before walking back to the bed where Haruka’s laying.
“I think you wouldn’t mind some face and hand cleansing, followed by, let’s see, a crème?”
There’s no reply, of course, but I can tell just by looking at the way his gaze moves past the soaked towel that he’s in for a cleaning session, even though he had a bath this morning.
That hasn’t changed, I think, Haruka still seems to have a slight passion for everything water-related, even if it’s just the kind brushing of a wet towel on his hair, face and hands.
I tousle his hair, using the towel, and I clean his hands before laying them back in position, and lastly, I wipe the saliva off his face before throwing the towel in the laundry basket.
And after drying his hair and hands and face off, I carefully rub some crème on his hands and face to make sure his skin doesn’t get too dry when we go out in a few moments.
“You’re in for a walk, right?” I ask, cleaning the leftovers of the crème off my hands.
An inaudible mumble is the only reply I get, which I take for a “yes” and so I get Haruka’s wheelchair from the other room so we can go for a short walk.
We do this every day, going outside for a short walk, I mean.
It’s a must, one of the many things he needs to do if he doesn’t want to develop painful pressure sores of lying in bed all day. But it’s not just that; I think Haruka likes it, if he’s even aware of the fact that we are outside, to be out of his bed for a while.
So I lift Haruka in his wheelchair, with help of a lifting device, and we leave for a walk.
Today, I roll him past where we used to walk every day when we went to school; with the ocean in the distance and towards the place, where we used to live. I walk past it, because I can’t get his wheelchair up the stairs and towards the empty house where he has lived for his entire life.
But I do stop at the beginning of the stairs, and I sit down on the steps facing him.
“Remember living here?” I ask, glancing at the stairs and houses behind me. “I sure do. I remember having to pick you up at your house for our walk to school, because you would be late otherwise. You were always bathing in the morning; I’m convinced you slept there.”
Those are good memories I have of this place, but the bad memories always come up as well. Like, the walk back home after hearing that my best friend would probably take a while to wake up from his vegetative state, and six months later, crying on these steps when I’d been told that my best friend would live the rest of his shortened life as a vegetable at some hospital.
I remember crying myself to sleep when the doctors said that it might be better to take Haruka off life-support, and waking up the next day to convince my parents that I would take care of him even if that meant I had to move out at the age of eighteen.
These are the memories that flood back into my mind every time I see these stairs; every time I go for a walk with Haruka, or I visit my parents, or go to Haruka’s old house to see if his parents still haven’t come home to see why their son hasn’t called in years.
These are the memories that lead to me taking care of my best friend, with an aching heart and overflowing feelings that I’ll always regret not telling Haruka earlier.