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Lena tried not to look at her phone. She made herself an omelet in the morning, sat on her balcony drinking her morning tea, the screen of her phone showed her background (no notifications) in the corner of the table. She forced herself to watch the busying street, the flowers blooming on the vines creeping up the wall, the warm orange rays of the morning sun shedding light on the place she currently struggled to call home.
Lena never cared about her birthday. It’s always been disappointing. When she first moved in with the Luthor’s she had thought maybe, one day of the year, she could get the love every child deserves. She learned too young that love was not easily given in this new world of hers. She couldn’t even remember her birthdays before she was adopted. By the time she was 10 she stopped hoping for something special, tried to forget about the day, tried to distract herself with activities or Lex or work. By the time she was out of the Luthor Mansion, it was just another day.
As she watched the orange fade into yellow, she stepped back into her apartment and put her dishes in the sink. For 25 years Lena has either forgotten her birthday or spent all day doing anything but thinking about it. Today was no different. 26 years felt no different than 25 years and 364 days, so she got ready to go into work.
She passed the farmers market at the end of her street, hopped on the train and began listening to her podcast. She had been in Barcelona for 6 months now, this routine becoming as natural as her routine in National City. She often wondered if this move was good for her as she glanced, again, down at her phone. She hadn’t made the decision lightly, but she had certainly made it quickly. National City had become her home, the people made it feel like home. And then she left without a word and she has no idea if she even has anything left there. She kept in communication with Sam through L-Corp operations and gave her the new cell phone number on the condition that it only be used in case of emergencies. Lena supposed there hadn’t been an emergency yet.
Sam had asked once, if she was going to come home, and why she left, but she couldn’t answer. She knew that she needed to cut herself off. Her friends had been threatened, hurt, kidnapped one too many times for Lena to keep herself in their lives. It was for their benefit, yes, but it was mostly for hers. She didn’t fool herself into thinking this was a selfless act. It was selfish – she couldn’t bear another phone call saying one of the few people she’s cared about in her whole life had been hurt by a member of her family, again. She forced herself not to imagine when that call told her of a friend’s death, she knew she couldn’t live with that. So, she left. She was capable of living on her own, she preferred the consequences of her choices extending no further than herself. It was easier to control, predict, easier to handle whatever those consequences may be (and being a Luthor, she never deluded herself to think those consequences were anything less than life changing).
So that’s how Lena found herself on her 26th birthday, half a year away from her old life, on her way to a day in the lab to drown out her thoughts. The L-Corp Barcelona branch was much smaller that the National City branch; she knew nearly every employee and certainly knew everyone in R&D. She walked into her office to drop her bag (and phone so she would stop fucking looking at it) when she was shocked by a head of blonde curls waiting for her. Try as she might, she couldn’t stop the memory assaulting her.
Lena opened her office door to find Kara there, facing the window. Her blond hair up in a ponytail (questioning again how she got her curls to bounce so perfectly).
“Kara, what are you doing here?” Kara immediately turned around, a bright smile gracing Lena, her hands behind her back.
“I’m not sure why you thought you could keep this from me!” Kara’s face temporarily scrunched into a frown, but she couldn’t keep it for too long. After just a moment Lena saw her teeth again and her eyebrows relax.
“Well, I’m not sure what you mean.” Lena realized she was stopped just in front of her door and began making her way towards her desk.
“Lena,” Kara rolled her eyes. “You know I can always tell when you’re lying.” As soon as Lena had sat down, Kara placed a small cheesecake on her desk with a single candle.
“Happy Birthday!” Kara nearly hopping from foot to foot with excitement.
“Kara…”
“Look I know,” Kara interrupted, “I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I just want you to know that I care about you. And you deserve cake. Specifically cheesecake. From Cheesy Eddie’s because, duh.”
Lena chuckled at that as she smiled up at Kara.
“This is really sweet, thank you.”
Somehow, Kara’s grin got even bigger at the praise.
“Oh! I got you something else -”
Lena groaned, “Kara”
“No don’t worry, it’s nothing crazy.” She reached down into her messenger bag and pulled out a small rectangular gift wrapped in penguin wrapping paper.
“Is this Christmas paper?”
“It was on clearance, okay?”
Lena chuckled, “Should I open it now?”
“Please.”
Lena flipped over the gift, gently undoing the tape and opening the paper without ripping it. She could tell from the exposed back that it was a picture frame. She flipped it over to find her own face looking back at her. It was framed by the giggling faces of Kara, Alex, and Sam, a picture they had taken from their last girl’s night.
“I just wanted you to have something to remind you that you’re cared for every day of the year.”
Lena opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Luckily, Kara’s phone rang.
“Oh, shoot, Lena. I have to go; I have an interview in 20 minutes.” She was already backing towards her office door. “Happy birthday, love you!”
And she was gone.
And Lena immediately put the frame next to her mug of pens.
Lena was brought back to the present when this head of blond curls turned around to reveal Marcia from HR.
“Good morning, how can I help you?”
“Ah, Miss Luthor, good morning. I have the last of the transfer paperwork here for you.”
Marcia showed her where to sign and she was out the door. Lena sat down and tried to control herself after the unwelcome and unwanted flash back. She glanced at her phone before angrily tossing it in the drawer of her desk. She grabbed her tablet and headed down to the lab.
X
Lena had taken this life change to improve all aspects of her life. She started seeing a therapist, went for walks, journaled per the aforementioned therapist’s request. She wasn’t sure if it was working but no one could say she wasn’t trying. She even started eating more junk food, by choice. A healthy life is balanced, right? That means bacon donuts were okay sometimes!
In light of her newly found life balance, she actually forced herself to take lunches. Maybe it was the lifestyle of Spain, maybe it was actually Lena’s improvements, but regardless. Lena grabbed her salad from the fridge and her journal for her desk before she headed outside.
She started on her salad and just listened to the sounds of life. She focused on a screaming child, their mother pushing a stroller while trying to drag her other child along with her. She looked haggard and annoyed, but Lena couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Two women going for a jog caught her eye. They stopped not far from her and were laughing at a joke she couldn’t hear. Sometimes the Mediterranean air helped her breathe, but now was not one of those times. Her chest constricted. She focused on the bench against her back, her feet on the ground, the leftover taste of blueberry dressing, the coos of the pigeons. When the women moved on and she felt like she could take a normal breath, she pulled out her journal and thought about what her therapist has told her.
“What am I supposed to write about?”
“Whatever you want. Your day, your thoughts, ideas. A poem, a story. A letter -”
“A letter?”
“Sure.” Her therapist regarded her a little too knowingly for her liking.
“A letter to who?”
“It doesn’t matter. Your family, your friends, yourself.”
“Myself…”
Lena watched the struggling mother further up the path as she figured out what to write. Watching the young girl squatting on the ground with her arms crossed, refusing to move, Lena thought about her 5-year-old self, still hopeful about her new life, and began to write.
X
Eight hours, and three new half-complete projects later, Lena finds herself back on her balcony, watching the light of day disappear and begin the end of her 26th birthday. She glanced at her phone for the who-knows-how-many-th time that day. She had been so good all day, not hoping for a call. Not hoping for that specific call. She did this for herself. This move was for herself. To protect herself, by protecting her loved ones. To leave behind her friends who she put in danger and to move on from a friend who would never be more than that, no matter how much Lena's heart wanted otherwise. She knew she had been pining and that was beneath her. And then Kara had been captured and tortured with kryptonite at the hands of her mother (how that woman continually had access to kryptonite was unclear) and that was the straw that broke her (she does not approve of being compared to a camel, however). (Unless you mean a cigarette, in which case, she would hear out your metaphor).
So, Lena took her therapy seriously, wrote in her journal, ate fried food, and decided to stop lying to herself. She was desperately hoping Kara would call. It was stupid, she knew. She wasn’t even sure Sam gave anyone her phone number. The sixth months of silence was her fault and she had the audacity to be upset about the lack of communication. She thought back to her last birthday, when she was late to her first meeting because she had to fix her makeup after crying from Kara’s kindness. She hadn’t told her new friends when her birthday was intentionally. And even with her safeguards, she finally felt a semblance of what a birthday should feel like and it had opened the floodgates. 26 hurt. 25 had felt incredible and 26 was crippling. She had no one to blame but herself.
This was not about her. These changes, this move, were not about her.
Naturally, she opens her journal.
Dear, Kara…
X
26 and one day was better, less crippling. At least for the 90 minutes of it that Lena has been awake for so far. She took it all fucking back the moment she sat at her desk and saw a piece of paper sitting underneath a slice of cheesecake. First, she just stared. Then, she blinked several times to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Finally, she slid the cake to the side to look at the piece of paper. Lena forgot to breathe. Looking back at her was a poorly drawn sketch of the photo Kara had given her last year. The bottom right corner featured a heart enclosed around the initials KD.
Lena took a bite of the cheesecake, threw the rest in the trash, and walked out the door of her office. She went up to the roof of her office building where there was a small community garden. Gardening heals, right? Whatever, Lena was doing it anyways. She walked down the narrow rows containing the vegetables, grazed her fingertips on the flowers of the zucchini. She focused on the soft feeling of the petal, focused on the breeze brushing the fly-aways against her forehead, focused on the soft sounds of the car horns and motorcycles and scooters several stories below her. She breathed in, held it, let it out. Again. Again.
Once her breathing evened back out and she felt like she was processing the world normally again, she looked up to the sky. She wasn’t sure if she expected to see that red and blue superhero floating above her or what, but she did know she felt disappointment when only the sun greeted her.
How dare she come here and make Lena feel all these things again. How dare she make Lena’s quarter life crisis about herself. How dare she let Lena go all day thinking she would get a call only to drop off a shitty picture a day late. Lena isn’t sure what she expected when she left but she never expected Kara to let her go. Kara had never been good about following directions or sitting idle. But maybe Lena didn’t mean as much to Kara as Kara meant to Lena. Maybe it took her leaving to realize her friends weren’t as close as she thought. How dare Kara let Lena have these feelings and then let her leave. Why did Lena let herself think there would be a different scenario? Why did Lena let herself feel these feelings that she wouldn’t put a name to? They didn’t deserve a name if Kara didn’t even bother to come after her. Before today, she could let herself believe Kara didn’t know where she was. Unlikely, but possible. Now that thin veil was ripped back, and Kara just let her go. Fuck that.
Too angry to let her tears fall, she stalked back down to the lobby and left work for the day. She knew wouldn’t get anything done. She put on her favorite meditation podcast on the train ride home, tried to let go of the anger she knew wasn’t fair. It nearly worked. Before she knew it, she was walking back past the farmers market, trying to figure out what the hell she was going to do with the rest of her day besides stew in her anger. She was mentally cataloging the food in her fridge when someone stepped in her path. Her forehead knocked into an achingly familiar chest. She felt her heart rate pick up as she took a step back and looked up.
Before her brain could even begin processing, failing her not for the first time when it came to this woman, Kara was speaking.
“Did you know that National City is 9 hours behind Barcelona?”
Kara looked down at Lena like she was expecting an answer, but Lena’s brain still hadn’t caught up to the situation. Realizing she wasn’t going to get an answer, Kara continued.
“Well I know, now. I wish I knew 24 hours ago. So, I’m sorry I was late.”
“Late…” Lena stupidly repeated.
“I mean I left National City on time, but your birthday had ended in Barcelona by then.”
Time zones. Kara missed her birthday by a few hours because she lived on the other fucking side of the world. Lena’s fucking choice. Kara stepped next to Lena and slowly began walking. Lena blindly followed, trying to surreptitiously glance at Kara and failing spectacularly. Kara’s smile was like a band aid over her broken heart that she hadn’t realized had shattered. Her brightness delicately held Lena together, pulled her along.
When Kara stopped walking, Lena looked around at her surroundings.
“How do you know where I live?” She looked at the door to her apartment building and then over at Kara’s sheepish face.
“Just because you left the city I protect, doesn’t mean I ever stopped protecting you.”
“What?” Lena responded incredulously. That was the whole fucking point of Lena leaving. “That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Come on, I’d know your heartbeat anywhere.”
That sent Lena over the edge, she stormed through the door to her building and up the flights of stairs. She heard Kara’s footsteps follow behind her.
“Are you mad I missed your birthday? I swear I didn’t forget.”
Lena ignored her, fumbled with the key to her door before shoving her way into the apartment, not bothering to hold the door for Kara. She went directly to her wine rack and poured herself a glass.
“Lena, talk to me. Please.”
“Why are you here?” Lena hissed. Kara took a step back.
“It’s your birthday…”
“No. My birthday was yesterday. Why are you here?”
“I don’t understand,” Kara whispered, tried to figure out what could be going on in Lena’s mind.
Lena began pacing, tried to expel some of the pent-up energy in her body.
“You obviously could have come whenever you wanted. Why are you here now?”
“Oh…”
Fuck, ‘oh’.
“Well I mean I didn’t know where you were at first. It took me a little bit to find you. Like 4 days I think?”
Lena rolled her eyes so hard she was surprised they righted themselves.
“Kara, for the love of god, answer my question. Why are you here. You’ve had months of knowing where I was.”
“So did you,” Kara mumbled.
“What?”
“Lena, you left!” Kara’s voice was as close to shouting as she could get. “You left without saying goodbye. Once I knew you were safe, I realized you left me without saying goodbye. Why would I think you wanted me to be here?”
Lena gaped at her. Obviously, what Kara said made sense, and the amount of hurt she heard, saw in her face was probably justified. Lena expected Kara to come after her but never once expressed that’s what she wanted. Lena isn’t sure she knew that’s what she wanted when she left. Like some fucked up test. She left, with no rules, no reason, and expected Kara to pass. This wasn’t supposed to be about Kara, but it was always about Kara.
“Why did you come?”
“After your first birthday in National City, do you remember? I – Once I. I couldn’t imagine not spending every birthday with you. I didn’t want to. I wanted to make them all good for you, replace your bad memories with new ones.
“So, when your birthday came, and you were gone, I made a decision. I told myself I would give you good memories and even though you crossed the globe to get away from me, I wanted you to know that there are still people who care about you. There are broken hearts that would give anything for you to come back. I, I’m sorry I know its selfish and you probably don’t want me here. But I couldn’t miss it. And I’m sorry I’m late.”
When Lena didn’t respond Kara continued, “I’m sorry I can leave - ”.
Lena stepped forward and pressed a finger to Kara’s lips to silence her. When Kara got the hint, Lena walked over to her balcony. She always did her best thinking out here.
“Do you know I’ve been seeing a therapist?” Kara shook her head. “We talk a lot about why I left, about the people I left.”
Lena took a deep breath, counted, held, let go, before continuing.
“I kept telling her that I couldn’t see my family hurt my friends anymore. And that’s true. I fucking hate Lillian but I think my therapist and I both knew that me leaving wouldn’t protect you. I was scared to see it. I tried to distance myself so maybe it would hurt less when the inevitable happened. Maybe I wouldn’t hear about it, would never know.
“But being here hasn’t dampened anything. I’m just lonely now too.”
“Lena…” Kara trailed off, pain in her voice.
Lena just shrugged in response and took another sip of wine.
“How ridiculous is it that I changed my phone number and still expected a call from you on my birthday? I don’t really know what I expected, but I thought you would at least try. And I was pissed when you didn’t.”
“That’s not fair to me.”
“I know. But Kara, I’m scared.”
Kara stepped forward and wrapped Lena in a tight hug. Pressed a kiss against her hair. Lena sank into it, trying not to spill her wine.
“I have never met someone who is as good at running from their problems as you.”
“Fuck you.”
Kara just laughed and held her tighter.
“I’m scared every day. Scared that I won’t be able to save everyone. Won’t be able to save you.”
Lena pulled back to look in the deep blue staring down at her.
“Losing you to the other side of the world was hard but losing you altogether would be unbearable.”
“No one has ever stayed, no one has come back for me. I just wanted someone to fight for me.”
“I’m here.”
“You’re here.”
Lena leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to the side of Kara’s mouth. She pulled back to see Kara’s eyes flutter open and a grin spread across her face.
“Lena, I wanna show you what life, love can be like. I want you to know I will always, always fight for you. I just need you to let me.”
“Hey, Kara?”
“Mmm?”
“You should stick to painting. That drawing was terrible.”
Kara’s eyes nearly closed from laughing and Lena couldn’t help but smile at it. How did she ever think walking away from this was the right thing to do?
When Kara stopped laughing, she leaned back in towards Lena, pressing her lips against the Lena's. If Kara’s presence was a band-aid to her heart, her kiss was superglue. Or maybe Lena was clay and Kara’s hands were reshaping her. Nothing had ever felt as right as this.
“I’m so sorry,” Lena mumbled against her lips.
“I know, please come home.”