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It felt like they'd been driving for hours, with the dull afternoon melting into dusk what seemed like so long ago. The sky was now black and the mist that hung in the air was illuminated by the harsh glow of false lights on every street. It did nothing for anyone's mood.
"Athena says she's got a lead!" Maddie suddenly announced from the front passenger seat. Buck shot forward from the back, straining to look over her shoulder at the message she was reading. Chim tried to look too, but kept a close eye on the roads ahead.
"What? How? Where?" Buck stammered.
"The beach... tracking on his phone. It's in the car park on the south side."
Good. That was...that was good! But. It was a phone. It could have been dropped, or stolen, or left purposely. It wasn't a definite hint, but it was more than they'd had all evening. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Bobby, he just couldn’t.
"'uck? Buck? Hey, you hear me?" Buck snapped out of his reverie to find Maddie staring at him with worried eyes; he wondered how long he's zoned out for.
"Yeah, yeah, sorry, I was just thinking."
"Penny for your thoughts Buckaroo?" Chim asked, glancing at him in the rearview mirror.
"I just hope it's him, and not that he's dropped his phone or something."
Maddie's hand reached over the seat and took his. "He'll be fine. It's Bobby."
Buck shook his head, a tear escaping and running down his face. "You haven't seen him bad, Maddie. I have. Hen and I...we...we found him one time and he wasn't Bobby, he wasn't my friend or captain. He was so lost."
Chim gave a slightly longer gaze into the mirror this time, having heard some of the tale at The Hearing with Buck earlier that year but still not knowing the full ins and outs of it. Eddie, who had so far kept quiet, now leant forward too and placed a comforting hand on Buck's thigh. He squeezed it and tried to coax Buck back into the seat properly but when the younger man didn't budge he moved himself forward to softly kiss the temple that pulsed with Buck's anxious heartbeat.
"Buck..." Eddie's warm breath helped ground him for a moment, his head folding closer to his partner's as the man prepared to talk Buck down from his own ledge. But Buck was quick, his fretfulness coming out in droves and he never let Eddie begin his placation.
"He's been struggling the last few days, I've seen him. You said so too Eddie and you didn't even know things got as bad as they did. I don't want him to be out there struggling."
He tried to ignore the strange message Bobby had apparently left Athena earlier, something about 'his other family' needing him. It wasn't helping him feel very hopeful.
They pulled up to the car park just as Athena did, with Hen and Michael as her passengers. She jumped out and the group met in front of their bumpers. Buck scanned the car park; at this time of night in the dead of winter it wasn't surprising there were so few, but there was also shut up catering vehicles littering the empty spaces.
And then. "There! I see his car." He raced off toward it, slamming into the door and window in his haste, but literally a second's look was all he needed to know that Bobby wasn't inside. Looking at the passenger seat he caught a glimpse of the cell. His heart sank. If Bobby's phone was in the car, the car that was parked up in a random lot near the beach, then Bobby himself could be anywhere. "He's not here!"
Maddie grabbed his elbow and pulled him away, closer to her body, but he didn't allow himself to relax in her hold. He was more on edge than ever.
"Why here? He- he could have gone for a walk?" Michael began roaming his eyes up and down the boardwalk, along the beach, anywhere a person could easily wander on a night like this. "It's not the weather to be out here. He'll be coming back soon."
Hen held Michael's hand, squeezing and smiling at him in a silent thanks for the support, but also with sadness at his- maybe too hopeful- faith. Just as Buck, she'd been the one to see Bobby all those years ago, she'd seen the way the light was gone from his eyes, the despair that seemed to drag him down wherever he stood. She'd seen him giving up.
It was Athena's voice, shattered and agonized, that made hearts burst, stomachs sink, and breath stop. "Bobby!"
She was looking at the beach.
No.
At the water.
There was little light, especially with the weather hampering things, but the weak beams of safety lights managed to illuminate the first quarter of a mile of sea. There, just a few meters into the swell, was Bobby. He was fully clothed and even as they looked on, continued to walk further with the waves lapping at his chest and pulling him closer to their icy embrace.
For the second time that night Buck took off at a run, bolting it across the lot and over the sand, his fears rising as the uneven surfaces hindered his progress. He needed to get to Bobby. He needed to stop this.
Soon the sand became damp and claggy and not long after water began to lick at his sneakers, squelching underfoot. He carried on despite hearing yells from behind him to just wait and think this through. Why the hell would he wait? There was no time. They had no other options here, he needed to get to Bobby. Now!
His captain grew closer and the waves grew higher. Despite being warmed up in the heatwaves just months ago, the temperatures had dropped dramatically and Buck's breath was stolen by the chilled fingers tingling all over his body. His chest constricted and his limbs slowed with numbness and shock. But Bobby was priority, he wasn't going to stop.
"Bobby! Bobby!" He yelled, getting close now. "Bobby! Stop. Please. PLEASE. STOP!"
Bobby, surprisingly, didn't stop. It was as if he hadn't even heard Buck- and maybe he hadn't- because not a single part of him moved other than the legs that continued to take him forward.
Buck pushed through the stiffness, through the relentless force of the waves against him and finally made it within reach of his captain.
Holding out a hand he managed to grasp onto the strap of Bobby's uniform (for he was still wearing it, straight out of a shift) that hooked over his torso and usually held his radio. Buck pulled the strap toward him and with it, Bobby. The man's back ploughed into Buck's chest, knocking the wind from his lungs momentarily, and Buck wrapped his arms around the older man.
"Bobby. Bobby stop." Now he was whispering with broken sobs. "Please stop."
He started backpedalling them toward the beach but their uneasy mass of bodies and the push of the waves had them stumbling almost instantly.
"Let me go." He heard Bobby sob.
"No!" Buck pulled harder but the waves got the better of him and first Buck stumbled and then Bobby dropped in the swell and they both went tumbling down until Buck's rear-end was on the shelf of sand and the water was sat rising and falling at his stomach- thankfully he'd dragged them further back than he'd thought, or they'd be under the waves had they fallen further out. "No! I'm not, you're not..."
He couldn't get the words out right, he needed to scream and cry and just beg Bobby to stop this, to come back to them properly. Bobby was the closest he had ever had to a father figure, someone to teach him to tie a tie and cook, to take him to concerts and introduce him to new music. He had been there for some of Buck's lowest moments, and some where he had been on top of the world, and had shared every emotion and every detail with affirmation and pride.
"Go away Buck. Leave me." His voice was cold and rough, devoid of anything other than defeat. He was world weary.
Buck shook the body in his arms in rage and upset. "No." He grit out through clenched teeth and frenzied irritation. "I'm not going!"
"Let me go."
He couldn't stop the sob that tore from him then and he swore he heard it echo across the waves. "No."
It seems he couldn't say anything other than 'no', his brain and heart had left him.
"Buck..."
"NO!" This time he squeezed the body before him, hiding his face in the wet material of the man's shoulder blade. Buck broke down, his own body heaving with grief and streams of tears getting lost in the already soaked garments. Knowing that crying into the man's shoulder wouldn't help, he forced himself to breath deep and pull himself together. "You can't. Bobby...You can't leave Athena. She loves you. She loves you so damn much, you should have seen her when she told us you were missing, I've never seen her so scared. And May, and Harry- May's at home trying to pretend everything's alright but you know how clever Harry is...he knows something's up. You love them. They love you. Bobby, you thought you couldn't allow yourself to be happy again, to feel love and to be loved but that house is bursting with it. You're surrounded by it. Even Michael's here, after everything he went through, with you sticking right by his side, he's here for you now and you know why? Because he wants to be, he wants to see you happy and living life exactly like he is. And the crew need you, the 118. You're our captain, our friend, our greatest fan. You push us when we need it and hold us up when we're falling, you support us unconditionally and we adore you. Bobby-"
"Stop it Buck." Again, Bobby's voice was spent and completely washed out. "Just. Stop."
"Help, Bobby. Remember? Help! This isn't the end, you can't give up now."
His hands were trembling, his entire body shaking, a toxic mix of freezing temperatures and tormented emotions. And beneath him Bobby was doing the same. His mouth felt heavy and his lips and jaw was numb when he tried to speak.
"Why are you doing this?" Bobby cried out, the first time his voice rose a little.
"Why?" Anger bubbled within him. He positioned himself so he was in Bobby's peripheral now, his legs still encompassing the man but they now sat more like side to front rather than front to back. Buck shook him again and spat out. "Maybe because I don't want to lose you. Maybe because I can't see you walk to your death. Because I can't see your family mourn you. I won't let May and Harry try to be strong for Athena, May doesn't deserve it, she would want to help you if she knew. You know they'll both be at home waiting to hold you, to squeeze you and put you back together. I'm doing this because you're a damn good captain, your firehouse would lose you and the city would lose a hero. I'm doing this because...because. Because I love you Bobby."
Again, he sobbed and bent forward, his forehead resting on the man's shoulder and he swore he felt a twitch come from Bobby and a sniffle. "I know we've butted heads, and we've both done things we shouldn't to one another, things to crack the trust but I swear I wasn't lying when I said you were one of the most important people in my life. Do you remember that? After the tunnel, with the radiation...I told you I was worried because I couldn't lose you. And I know it's selfish, I know it's making it about me, but Bobby I don't know what I'd do if you left me. Too many people have gone from my life, the people I wanted to stay never did and the people I needed to leave me were a constant and poisonous presence in my life but you- you are someone I need to be here. You've helped shape me into who I am today. You've helped me feel welcome, and safe, and cared for. You've taught me how to let myself love and be loved. And how to cook. I still haven't perfected tying ties but I'm closer than I was. My own dad, he wasn't around much and when he was he always told me I was a disappointment, that I'd never amount to anything and any love I had would be fake. He never once showed up to my school, for parent teacher evenings, for pick ups, fights, or times the nurse had rang home. But you, you've always been close behind or right there next to me. You got me through PT, through dark days. I'll never forget the time you helped me find my way after Devon and the rollercoaster, I'd lost all belief in myself that I could and should be allowed to help people. I was losing my way and you steered me exactly where I needed to be, you pushed me. And I forgave myself, I let myself move past it and that's all because of you Bobby. And now it’s my turn to try and do the same, Bobby, I swear I will help, with whatever you need. I’ll be there."
He still had his forehead leaning on Bobby and could now feel the man crying harder than before.
"I can't lose you...I've lost so many people and I-I can't lose you. It'll kill me. I'm so scared everyone is going to leave, what if Hen moves with her job, or Chim and Maddie decide to start again somewhere with Esme, and Eddie gets tired of me and we break up and things get awkward and I lose him and I lose Chris and I can't Bobby..." His voice is lost in sobs, breathing short. "I need you to stay with me, I need you to tell me everything's going to be ok and I'll be there to do the same. You can fight, we can fight. Bobby. Stay. Please."
The breaths grate on his raw throat now, wheezing and broken and he knows he's breaching the lines of a panic attack but he can't stop, he just weeps into his captain, praying he's said something right in the mess of words he'd expelled.
Through the haze he feels movement and a hand grabbing one of his that is currently gripping the opposite sleeve of the man's uniform. The hand squeezes.
"Buck?" The voice is still distant but it's now soft and more alert. Bobby moves his head and places his own forehead on top of Buck's wet hair. "Stop. Buck stop."
It mirrors his earlier words but this time it's coaxing Buck from his own misery, telling him to stop his own spiral.
"Hey. Hey Buck, I'm here, I'm sorry."
"You can't leave me. You can't go."
"Ok. I'm not going. I'm not going anywhere."
Buck tried to compose himself. "We can help you, we can try to make things better."
"Yeah, that would be nice. I- I need a bit of help. And I need my Buckaroo beside me."
"Yeah. Yeah I'll do that. I'll be there, every step of the way, Bobby I promise, I swear. Whatever you need."
"I guess, first things first, I need to get out of the sea..." At this they both managed a small chuckle, though it was heavy with lingering anguish. Buck nodded his head as he smiled.
"Don't know about you but I'm a little damp."
Buck moved first and stood up on legs that threatened to crumble beneath him but he held firm, and reached out both hands for Bobby to take. When they were both up and facing one another Buck threw himself into his captain's arms, enveloping him as tightly as he possibly could. Bobby, thankfully, reciprocated and gave his own reassuring squeeze. Buck could tell the man was nervous to face the rest of their family but he took one of the man's hands and guided him back at a pace Bobby was comfortable with.
The moment they made it onto dry land they were both wrapped in blankets and coats and Bobby was taken into his wife's arms where they both cried and spoke softly to one another.
Maddie came up to Buck and looked him in the eyes, trying to find his inner most thoughts as Eddie threw his own coat on top of another (who it belonged to, Buck had no idea) and replicated the earlier kiss on the temple. "You alright?" He whispered, Buck's curls brushing the lips that still lingered there. "Honestly?"
The words tickled as Eddie's warm breath ghosted Buck's face. "No. But it's not me that we need to be focusing on right now."
After a few more moments of hugging and reassurances the group walked back to the cars. They discovered Bobby had lost his keys in the swell but Athena would come by tomorrow with the spares to pick up his car.
As they broke off toward the vehicles Bobby quickly pushed past Athena and Michael and made a beeline toward Buck again, taking the younger man in his arms once more, the towel now around both of them. "I love you too Buck, you're just as important to me and I am so proud of you."
"I'm sorry I was a mess. Am a mess. I probably didn't say the right things, probably got it so wrong and I shouldn't have made it about me, I was trying to show you-"
"Look at me." Bobby pulled Buck so they were looking one another in the eye, Bobby's hands cupping the younger man's face. "You did good kid. You did so well. I needed a little nudge in the right direction and you gave me it. And those things you said, about people leaving you. You know that's not going to happen, right? We may change courses or try something new but no-one will forget you Buck, you won't get left behind."
Buck nodded his head sadly and looked over Bobby's shoulder toward the sea. "Huh."
"What!?" Bobby looked a little concerned at how Buck seemed to space out so quickly.
"Just...just the first time I've been this close to it since-" Buck swallowed. "Since the tsunami. Glad I only just realised that now and not earlier."
He smiled and laughed but deep down his stomach churned and a tremble ran through him. He'd hate to think how the scene would have played out had he fallen into a flashback or panic whilst sat in the sea with Bobby in his arms.
"And you did it. You faced your demons, and I'll remember how brave and strong you are when I need to face mine. I know I'll be safe with you by my side."
Bobby's eyes were still sad and haunted and Buck knew- from so much experience- that the smiles were forced and fake but there was hope within him too, Buck could sense it, and he knew that there was rough roads ahead but he'd be there for his captain. They were a family, all of them, and they weren't going anywhere.