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A familiar laugh gives Tsuzuru a shiver down his spine. He glances behind him, and watches as Itaru laughs at whatever Chikage said, Sakuya is visibly confused, and Masumi doesn’t seem to be caring at all. Citron is also laughing, but Tsuzuru isn’t really paying attention to him. He only observes how Itaru ruffles Sakuya’s hair gently, an affectionate smile on his lips. He tightens his grip on his coffee cup –how many cups today? He’s not really sure anymore- and takes a look around the room, hoping for a distraction.
He meets with Kazunari’s curious stare. Trying to maintain a poker face, Tsuzuru’s eyes pass on him quickly and go back to staring at his almost empty cup.
Shit.
Kazunari is way more observant than he lets it show, and of course he would notice something like that. Tsuzuru almost expects him to come and sit next to him and ask questions immediately, so he braces himself...
“Kazuuuu~ look at this triangle I found!”
Saved by the triangle.
Tsuzuru sighs. Maybe he should go back to his room, try working on a new script or indulge himself in some well deserved sleep. That’d allow him to avoid unnecessary fears.
Sakuya laughs, but he resists looking again, ignoring the sour feeling that grows inside him. Of course, he could join them, laugh or get mad at whatever they’re talking about. They’re all members of the spring troupe after all, they’re a family. But he can’t. Not now. Not when he’s feeling like this and any laugh or words from him would be faked. He knows Chikage, heck, even Itaru would probably notice. And he doesn’t want that at all.
He gets up, puts his cup in the sink and decides to chill in the courtyard. Summer isn’t over yet and the night is still warm enough despite the chilly wind. He closes his eyes and takes advantage of the silence to cool down this feeling he doesn’t want to name. He almost feels peaceful, now.
“Tsuzuru? Are you okay?”
His temporary peace is broken by the one person he doesn’t want to see. Even worse, he sounds slightly worried.
“Ah, Itaru-san… I just wanted some fresh air.”
He turns his head to Itaru, who’s standing actually pretty close – and he feels his heart jumping in his chest.
“Is that so.”, the other man answers with a knowing smile.
Tsuzuru, you’re a pitiful actor. One with terrible tastes in men, even worse.
Letting out a sigh, he just adds “Just had something on my mind, that’s all. Nothing to worry about, Itaru-san.” He flashes the other a sheepish smile, hoping it’s enough to make him leave it at it.
At the same time… He might be feeling a bit happy. He wonders if he should say something else, but Itaru only smiles more and, taking a step forward, stands beside him.
The silence between them isn’t awkward, and Tsuzuru can’t help but glance as sneakily as he can at the other man. He wonders again if he should be honest. A couple minutes pass, and when Tsuzuru glances again, Itaru is looking at him, biting his lips.
“Say, Tsuzuru…”
There’s something building in his chest, something warm. Hope? Hope for what? Is Muku influencing him with his shoujo manga situations? He could imagine the younger boy already fantasizing but right now this isn’t about Muku anyway.
“What is it, Itaru-sa-“
“ITARUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!”
Citron dashes on them, tackling Itaru to the ground with a mad laugh, leaving Tsuzuru dumbfounded.
“Ah, I see stars… I’m dying…”
“Oh no, Itaru, do not die!”
“Citron, you shouldn’t jump on people like that!” Ah, this worried voice is Sakuya’s.
“Chigasaki is always overdramatic, though. I’m sure he’s doing pretty fine down there.” Ah, Chikage-san.
Tsuzuru comes to his sense when he feels a hand on his shoulder.
“Tsuzurun, are you okay?” It’s almost a whisper that he can barely hear above the noise, but it grounds him enough to recognize the voice it belongs to. He looks at Kazunari, whose furrowed eyebrows betray his worries. He looks again at Itaru, bantering with Chikage, an amused smile on his lips.
There it is again, this sour and painful feeling. He still doesn’t want to put a word on it, even though he knows and has known for so long.
How much he has wanted to reach closer.
How many times he has wished to be someone else.
And how many moments he has spent looking from afar, giving up on trying anything and just watching him, as his own feelings have become bitter and bitter.
He stays silent for a minute, before leaning against Kazunari. He feels the other boy’s grip on his shoulder tighten, and smiles, not looking at anything in particular.
“I’ll be fine.”