Chapter Text
She hadn’t slept in weeks, the bags under her eyes growing heavier with every all nighter she pulled attempting to escape the nightmares that plagued her. She used to tell everyone it was to try to find a way to get Stefan and Caroline’s humanity back, she even convinced herself, but the dark circles loomed beneath her eyes far after both of them had flipped back their switch.
Bonnie came back different from the prison world in a way that she hadn’t expected. She craved solitude, longing for the safety of an empty dorm room whenever she was in a crowd of people. The sound of silence had been her constant companion in the prison world and as much as she wanted to escape it, she also craved it. Her friends had tried to help in the beginning and she had tried to let them. They threw her a party, stayed at her side, and got her settled back into college, but she soon came to the realization that they were just incapable of understanding. Even Damon couldn’t relate to her feelings of complete isolation. Besides, they had more important things to worry about, like Stefan and Caroline and the many people they killed or the drama of Elena forgetting Damon (which was the main topic of many conversations in the Salvatore household). She was alright with keeping her struggles to herself, she didn’t want them to worry.
Being around people was strange and took a big period of adjustment. She would jump at a whisper, flich around footsteps, and was on constant guard in public. Strangers also became a sort of solace, she loved to people watch or say hello to random strangers (a trait that Damon had started to tease her about). The first time she ordered a coffee from her favorite cafe on campus she sobbed into the mocha latte, having a moment of clarity in the driver's seat of her car that she was really back. She could order things again, talk to people, be back in the world. She was here and no one could take that from her again.
She also began to dissociate a lot, spacing out in conversations or forgetting what she was supposed to be doing. Memories of past traumas haunted her whether she was sleeping or awake. Jermey and her dad alternated between who died in front of her, dying herself multiple times. Sometimes she would wake up screaming, swearing there was someone passing through her from the otherside, the pain being so familiar. But the worst is when she would completely shut down, not being able to hear anything around her or speak, focusing on one spot on the floor or the wall and completely zoning out. This new trait was the most concerning to her friends, causing Elena and Caroline to worry, but they didn’t say much about it. Mostly they let her work through her episodes by herself, which Bonnie didn’t mind.
She had begun to start adjusting after a month into the real world, going shopping with Caroline or having a drink with Damon and Alaric, whom she had begun to get along quite well. Her and Stefan even hung out once, walking to a park to talk over current events and sip on teas from her favorite shop.
One sunny day in April, Bonnie and Elena walked through campus discussing an upcoming frat party after a particularly harsh study session.
“Oh come on Bon it’ll be fun!” Elena said, adjusting the binder in her hand that had begun to slip. Bonnie had offered to give her a hand, but Elena waved her off.
“I think the last thing I want to do this weekend is go to a house of frat boys filled with cheap beer and horrible music,” Bonnie replied. Elena laughed and rolled her eyes, nudging the shorter girl with her shoulder.
“You gotta get out there Bonnie, you haven’t gone to one party this semester! Plus if you're so worried about bad drinks, you, me, and Caroline can just sneak in Damon’s good bourbon.” Bonnie looked skeptically over when Elena mentioned Damon, he had been giving her space for the last month and Elena had made it very clear that he was banned from discussion so hearing his name was a shock.
“You're talking to Damon?” Bonnie inquired, raising a brow at her. Elena blushed and looked down at the pavement, biting her lip in embarrassment. Bonnie’s eyes shot wide open and she stopped in her stride.
“Oh my god, something happened? Did you two kiss?” Elena kept silent and tucked a stray piece of hair that had fallen from her ponytail behind her ear, shifting her face away from Bonnie’s gaze. Bonnie grabbed her friend's arm, causing her to look up, and narrowed her eyes accusingly.
“Well yes, but we also-”
“You slept with him?!” Bonnie exclaimed, interrupting Elena who promptly shushed her, reminding her that they were in the middle of the student square. Bonnie laughed in disbelievement and let go of her friend. Elena slapped her on the shoulder giving her a look that bordered on amusement and embarrassment.
“How’d that happen? Thought he was still in the doghouse” Bonnie questioned as the pair began their walk to the dorm again, passing by a garden of purple peonies that Bonnie stared longingly at. She hadn't had a bouquet of her favorite flowers since Matt had brought them to her dorm as a welcome home present.
“Well I decided to try to talk to him and then we kept hanging out and then it just kind of, um happened?” Elena explained, playing with the chipping pink nail polish that she had gotten done with Caroline a week prior.
“Does Care know?”
“Oh god no, please don’t tell her yet she’ll kill me. I just need a little bit more time to figure things out before everyone knows because I don’t really know what’s going on yet and I don’t need everyone’s opinions on it.” Both girls stopped for the crosswalk, turning to look at each other. Elena’s expression was anxious, eyebrows clenched in thought and confusion swimming in her big brown eyes. Bonnie sighed and placed a comforting hand on her arm.
“Don’t worry I won’t tell Caroline, your secret is safe with me,” Elena visibly relaxed and the two began to walk arm in arm across the street, their building in sight, “Besides, you both deserve a break, we finally don’t have the weight of the world on our shoulders.”
“Yes, which is why you need to start living and go to this party!” Bonnie scoffed and reached in her purse for her keys as they climbed the steps of the building.
“Oh come on Bonnie, please?” Elena pouted as Bonnie unlocked the door. She opened it and looked over to her doe eyed companion.
“I just can’t, it’s… it’s too much right now,” She said, shaking off her coat and going over to sit on her bed, exhausted from her classes and the extra study session. Elena nodded in understanding and tossed her friend a disappointed, but empathetic gaze and set her binder on the new desk in the corner.
Bonnie began to undo the laces on her boots, head clouded with thoughts of guilt at skipping yet another social event before she was interrupted by Elena calling out her name in a questioning tone.
She looked up at her friend holding a small envelope in her hands and furrowed her eyebrows.
“What’s that?” She asked, standing up from the bed to walk over.
“I don’t know, but it was on the desk and it has your name on it. How did someone get into our dorm?” The brunette inquired as she handed the envelope over to Bonnie for inspection.
As Elena said, Bonnie's name was written on the front of the white envelope in big blocky letters. She turned it over in her hands, studying it in confusion noticing the crinkling of the white paper.
“Bonnie, do you have a secret admirer?” Elena teased, flopping onto her bed and releasing her ponytail. Bonnie looked up and gave her an annoyed look, watching as she combed through her wavy hair and giggled.
“Well are you gonna open it?” She asked, grabbing her phone from her pocket and checking herself in the camera.
Slowly, Bonnie took in a nervous breath. She couldn’t tell why she was nervous, but the circumstances of a mystery letter unnerved her. Someone breaking into their dorm induced a cold panic to run through her. She shook off the thought, that was over she didn’t need to worry about being in danger anymore.
She sat down on the bed and tore open the envelope, removing a folded piece of notebook paper that had the same handwriting as the front. Elena cast a curious look over her phone, but left Bonnie in privacy to read, scrolling on her phone as a distraction.
Bonnie turned over the letter, examining it and then unfolded it.
Dear Bonnie,
I know I’m the last person you want to hear from, you made that pretty clear. I just, I tried to give you space, I’ve tried to move on, let you move on, but I can’t. I can’t sleep at night thinking that that night was the only shot I got at an apology. I don’t know how to cope, I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean I’ve already written this letter like 20 times and I still can’t get it right. There’s something wrong with me, well I mean obviously, but like other than that, I mean in the way that I don’t know what to do. That’s never really happened before I’ve always had a plan and, wow this is not about me, I’m rambling, how do you even ramble while writing a letter? I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. I just need to say something. I need you to hear me in that I’m just so sorry, like can’t even fathom what I put you through sorry and you need to know that. I really need you to know that, like crazily obsessed with you knowing that, so please just read this and maybe think about me being able to say it in person? I know that might be too much. It’s not my place to ask to see you and you literally threatened to melt my face off if you saw me again which, while completely valid, did kinda hurt my feelings. So anyways, if you're willing to hear me out, come to Pine Roast Cafe on Friday at 2. It’s in the open, public so you know I’m not going to hurt you or kidnap you or anything like that. It’s just for an apology and some closure. Bonnie I just hope you're doing okay. I hope to see you.
Kai
She could feel her heart pounding as she read through the letter and stood up from the bed. Fears of a potential stalker or secret admirer flew out of the window as she read the name at the bottom of the page.
Kai.
Kai Parker.
The sociopath who traumatized and tortured her. He knew where she lived. He wanted to talk to her. He broke into her dorm. He knew her favorite coffee shop? No, that must’ve been a coincidence, there was no way he could know that even if he was following her, she goes to four different ones so that if she says she’s getting coffee no one knows which one she’s atso even if someone was following her they wouldn’t be able to pick up on that. Was he following her?
Her breathing started to quicken as she reread the letter looking for verification that this wasn’t just a new way for her mind to torment her. Visual hallucinations really didn’t seem that surprising to her, but as her eyes devoured the page she was convinced. She let out a small whimper. Elena looked up from her phone at the sound and jumped to her feet, quickly noticing her normally guarded friend’s upcoming panic attack.
“Bonnie? Are you okay? What did the letter say?” Elena asked, slowly approaching Bonnie whose eyes were still glued to the page, slowly filling with tears. Bonnie looked up at and met Elena’s eyes, which were full of worry, and opened her mouth to speak, but her throat was dry, allowing no words to pass. She stumbled back a step and hit her calf on the wooden bedframe. The sudden pain inspired a newfound rage in her, determination lighting up her forest green eyes.
“Bon what-” Elena began before being cut off by Bonnie barging past her, storming across the room. She began to rip the paper into shreds, hands trembling as she slammed the pieces into the trash can next to the desk. She took a gulp of air and rushed to the windows, clumsily locking them and pulling the curtains shut. Elena attempted to grab her friend's arm, but Bonnie pushed it off walking back to the trashcan to throw the envelope in and for good measure set it on fire with an incidea .
She watched the flames devour his words, ignoring Elena’s yelp of surprise and she shakily stepped backwards, sitting on her bed. Tears began to stream down her cheeks and her small body began to tremble, the anger flooding out of her as hopelessness settled in. She thought she was past this, thought she could go the rest of her life without hearing or seeing that name again. Why her? Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?
“Bonnie!” Elena exclaimed, rushing over to the crying brunette. She wrapped her arms around her and Bonnie reluctantly gave into the sobs that were catching in her throat. Her fear seemed to choke her as the smell of smoke met her nose. She backed out of Elena’s arms and curled in on herself, wrapping her arms around her legs as she felt the flashbacks of 1994 begin.
All of a sudden the sound of Elena’s voice became far and distant as Bonnie remembered a warm hand wrapping around her neck, squeezing until she was wheezing for air. She could feel his breath on her skin as he spoke into her ear, she could sense her hope fading as she stared at the empty key hole of the car and she slammed her eyes shut, attempting to escape the memory.
The nauseating feeling of overwhelment consumed her and she tangled her fingers in her hair, trying to pull the experience from her brain, bring herself back to reality. She felt a hand land on hers and she flinched back, hitting her head against the wall with a loud thud.
“Oh god, sorry! Bonnie?” Elena exclaimed scooting back from her. Bonnie opened her eyes and rubbed her head, looking over to Elena. She breathed in slowly and let it out, feeling her panic begin to subside along with the vivid memory. Elena watched awkwardly as Bonnie wiped her tears and slid off her boots, moving to sit against the pillows, slowly collecting herself.
“Sorry, that was…” Bonnie trailed off panting, peering up at Elena. She scooted over to her with an empathetic expression.
“Hey, you don’t have to apologize, it's okay,” She replied, cradling Bonnie’s head in a hug. She began to comfortingly smooth down her hair that had been ruffled. Bonnie wrapped her arms around her torso and let herself be soothed. She hadn’t broken down in front of her friends like this yet, usually she waits until she’s alone or she goes off somewhere private if they’re in a crowded area, but this one she couldn’t control and it scared her a little bit that he still held that much power over her.
“Do you want to… talk about it?” Elena offered, pausing her petting to look at Bonnie. She sniffled and nodded, not meeting her friend's eyes.
Honestly, she didn’t want to talk about it. She wanted to keep it to herself, bury it down next to all the other things that were too painful to bring up, but she knew she owed Elena an explanation for the sudden pyrotechnics. She moved up out of Elena’s arms and sat in front of her, criss-crossed atop the sheets.
“The letter was from Kai,” Elena gasped and Bonnie nodded before continuing, “he wants to see me.”
“What?!” Elena exclaimed, Bonnie looked down and fiddled with the end of her sweater, attempting to control her breathing as she continued her explanation.
“He said he wants to,” She paused and took another breath, “apologize.”
“Bon, I’m so sorry, that’s-”
“Insane? I know, but it’s not exactly out of character,” Bonnie finished for her. Elena reassuringly took Bonnie’s hands.
“It’s ok Bonnie, I’m here, okay? He can’t hurt you anymore,” She assured.
“I know, thank you ‘Lena,” Elena smiled at her and they hugged once more.
Elena pulled back and a sudden realization dawned on her face as her eyes widened in fear.
“How’d he know our address?”