Work Text:
@Kim
Namjoon moves barely fast enough to rescue the packet of chips on the coffee table before Jimin can step on it in his haste to climb onto the table. Why he and Hoseok just have to dance on the coffee table instead of just next to it on the carpet of their shared living room – this is a mystery he will probably not be able to solve today.
“Come join us, Namjoonie”, Jimin shouts over the music, to which Namjoon only softly shakes his head and smiles. He is actually quite happy where he is, sprawled on the couch and watching the two of them go at it, shaking their butts frantically to the newest hit song from a girl group he doesn’t recognize. It is quite interesting how the three of them work together, with the other two being so lively and chaotic. He was worried at first that moving into a shared flat would be a disaster but they actually fit well together.
When the next song starts, Namjoon cannot help but laugh.
“What the heck is a ‘Hellevator’?”, he asks.
“What?”, Jimin yells, breathless from jumping around as energetically as before to the new song playing now.
“Never mind”, Namjoon yells back, grabbing his phone and another pillow to get comfortable. He opens his phone, intent on searching for the song to find an explanation for this weird neologism when he spots a notification from Instagram. Almost instantly forgetting why he grabbed his phone in the first place, he clicks on it and the app opens to a new picture, a breath-taking view of what he recognises as Seoul, skyscrapers glistening in the orange glow of a setting sun. He follows a couple of photographers, but the most talented one, his favourite one, is @sugas_view, an account he found a couple of months ago. The guy mostly posts views of the city, sometimes a cute brown poodle plays the focal role of a photograph, sometimes you can see silhouettes of other people but never their faces. What all these pictures have in common is that they are all soft, minimalistic in a sense that they portray one clear emotion and emanate a calmness he finds soothing.
Namjoon scrolls through his feed, wanting to check that he hasn’t missed an update from the photographer’s personal Instagram account he also found a couple of weeks ago. It was mostly just a coincidence, he would have never been able to link @yoongels93 with @sugas_view if the guy hadn’t replied to a comment to one of his photographs using his personal account. Namjoon is as fascinated by the guy’s personal pictures as he is by his professional work, not only because he is one of the prettiest people Namjoon has ever seen pictures of. The cute button nose and the cat-shaped eyes had lured him in at once and, to be completely honest, he had been a bit disappointed that the guy only had three selcas on his personal account.
He is so engrossed in his Instagram feed that he doesn’t realise that his flatmates have stopped their butt-shaking and have sat down in front of the couch, munching on the chips he had rescued earlier. Jimin’s high-pitched laughter rips him out of his thoughts.
“I’m serious, Jimin-ah, he had the prettiest dick I’ve ever seen, I’m telling you”, Hoseok says with a mouth full of chips.
“Never thought you would say that about this dude”, Jimin answers and that is when Namjoon makes a fatal mistake. The mistake to reach out for the packet of chips, alerting the other two to the fact that he is very much also present.
Jimin turns to him and the second Namjoon sees the mischievous spark in his eyes, he realises the full magnitude of his mistake.
“What about you, Namjoon-ah?”
Namjoon freezes, arm still outstretched, holding a couple of chips between his fingers.
“What about me?”, he says, slowly enunciating every word.
“Is there someone in your life that you neglected to tell us about so far?”, Hoseok answers, not bothering to chew first.
“No”, Namjoon replies, drawing the word out while raising his eyebrows. The other two are sharing a look, a look he knows all too well because that look can only mean trouble for him. Any idea that not only Jimin but also Hoseok think is a great one usually turns out to be a really bad idea from Namjoon’s perspective. He can tell too many stories involving other people’s pools, candy bars and carousels to prove that.
“You know what, Namjoonie, I have a great idea”, Jimin chirps, looking at him with the biggest smile on his face.
“You should install this dating app, hyung!” Hoseok shouts, frantically looking for something on the couch. Before Namjoon can register that it was his phone he had been looking for, Hoseok’s search is successful and the holds up Namjoon’s phone with a victorious “Hahaa!”
“Noo, what are you doing, give me back my phone”, Namjoon whines, making grabby hands for the device.
“Namjoonie, you should put yourself out there more, you can’t expect to find a partner by spending the whole day at the studio or the library”, Jimin says, although his tone sounds more like a parent lecturing a child.
“But who said that I want that?”, he replies, getting a bit annoyed at his two friends.
Hoseok’s smile turns into a frown quicker than he could imagine. “But .. but I thought …”
“You said you would like to be with someone, or did I get that wrong? Two weeks ago at Jaebum’s party?”, Jimin finishes his sentence.
Namjoon throws his head back, leaning back on the couch and staring at the ceiling so that he doesn’t have to look at the two pairs of puppy eyes in front of him.
“Yeah, I said a partner would be nice but I meant a boyfriend. Not just some random dude who wants to have sex with me. That’s not …”, he clears his throat. “Call me old-fashioned but I don’t want to fuck around. For me, this has to involve a real connection to the other, from one human being to the other, you know?”
He fells a hand pat his knee and looks down again. Oh lord, those damned puppy eyes!
“If you really insist…”, he murmurs, but the bigger part of his sentence is drowned by loud yelling from both of his flatmates.
“You can just text with people, Namjoonie, there is no need to actually meet someone if you don’t like them!”
“Yeah, hyung, just think of it as testing the waters, just flirting a bit! Maybe it’ll be fun for you, you’ll never know if you don’t try!”
Before he can register what is actually happening, the two are squishing him between them on the floor in front of the couch, and the next second, the dating app is already installed on his phone and the two are setting up a profile.
“You have only one photo of yourself on this phone and it’s blurry, hyung!”, Jimin scolds him.
“Well, I only had this phone for a few weeks now, what do you expect? I’ll put some pictures in later, guys, don’t worry”, Namjoon says, hoping to avoid taking a selca right now – he hasn’t washed his hair in four days and does not intend on putting pictures of that into the internet.
“Okay, you’re all set up now”, Hoseok hums and Namjoon quickly scans his profile. It’s short, just his age, his first name and three lines about his hobbies and how much he likes philosophical walks in the moonlight.
“Put in that I produce music”, he adds. He still hasn’t decided if he will actually upload a picture of himself into this profile but as he already has one, it might as well be accurate.
How did he get here again?
It’s past two when he finally stumbles into bed. He has to admit, scrolling through other people’s profiles had been a lot of fun this evening, some of them were just so ridiculously over the top that his stomach hurts from all the laughing. He does not want to kink shame anyone, it is good that there are so many different people with different tastes out there, but even he couldn’t stop himself from making comments about profiles that were so obviously fake and exaggerated.
After he changed and washed his face, he lies awake for a while, scrolling through messages on Kakaotalk when his phone pings with a notification from the dating app. Someone left a like on his profile and while he tries to find out how he can view the profile of that person, he gets a message from him.
Hi cutie u sound super smart upload a pic I bet u look cute 2
Oh wow. There is no way he will find someone he can actually have a normal conversation with on this app, is there? He sighs loudly. Jimin and Hoseok mean well but he is really not sure he can see any sense in these dating apps. For a couple of seconds, he just stares at the message and then – he is not sure why exactly – he opens his photos. He will not upload a selca of himself but maybe he can upload something else? At least this way, people won’t bother him with questions anymore.
Maybe it’s because it’s so late and he should really go to sleep now, or maybe he would have done the same thing wide awake in the middle of the day as well, either way he just does it without thinking too much. Just clicks on the two selcas of yoongels93 that he had saved (he’s really cute, you can’t blame him). Just clicks on them and uploads them. And then he changes the settings of the app so that he does not have to hear the high-pitched ping sound whenever someone likes his profile. It’s not that he is expecting to actually get a message that is characterised by correct spelling anyways.
@Min
Yoongi is bored. Has life ever been as boring as this particular moment? He is aware that doctor’s appointments usually come with a bit of waiting time. And he is equally aware that there are people out there on this planet who actually have pressing matters, problems that need to be tended to right away which are of course prioritized over his routine check-up appointment. Still. He is bored out of his mind. It doesn’t help that he categorically refuses to look into the magazines on the small table in the middle of the room – everyone around him has one they are flipping through and nobody in this waiting rooms seems even slightly amused or entertained by what they are finding in these magazines. Also, his interest in women’s fashion and gardening is so small, you could call it barely non-existent.
He lets out a long breath, poking the screen of his phone again. He has already sorted out all of his pictures, deleting the ones he really doesn’t need so that his phone will not annoy him with notifications about the lack of free storage space anytime soon. He has also already deleted three apps he doesn’t even remember installing, never mind using. And there he is, still bored out of his mind. Yoongi flicks through the screens, maybe there is another app he can delete, something that can keep him entertained for at least a second or two?
He sees it then, can’t really say why the app escaped his attention during his first deletion spree a couple of minutes ago. He had installed the dating app once, while getting drunk with Seokjin. It was fun to just swipe through profiles and talk about the guys while downing a lot of red wine, it’s not like he intended to ever have another look at it again. He is quite capable of getting some fun once in a while when Jungkook ropes him into going to a club with him – he gets more than enough interaction with strangers then, he doesn’t need more of that in his free time, thank you very much.
Yoongi sighs, tapping on the black screen of his phone a couple of times before he decides that it’s rather this than enduring a painful death caused by excruciating boredom in the middle of a doctor’s office. For a second, he is not sure if he should open the app here in the waiting room where someone could see what he is looking at, who knows what kind of profiles will come up? He looks to the sides and realises the grandma sitting to his left is already casting him disapproving glances, frowning at his black leather jacket and the rips in his jeans. Yeah, he’ll just go with it, angling his phone so that the grandma can get a better look and be scandalized.
He swipes around a bit, unfortunately no dick pics in sight – he was hoping for one just to spite the grandma who is definitely casting glances at his phone now. He swipes through the profile of a Minhyuk who looks like he is certainly more than a few years older than what his profile says. Then it’s a Hoseok who looks way too bright and lively, like a person who smiles the whole day. The next person looks – what. Wait a second.
He just stares at his phone for half a minute, trying to make sense of what he sees. Because he sees himself. There is no doubt that this is definitely a selca of himself, one of the few he posted on his social media last year. And swiping through the profile, there is another picture of himself, the most recent one the posted on his personal Instagram because he actually felt really good in that green jumper and had to agree with Jin who was waxing poetic about how the green brought out the caramel of his eyes.
Yoongi taps to look at the full profile. This person, Namjoon, 25 years old, likes bike rides along the Han, talking about books and exchanging philosophical thoughts about the origin of the universe at three a.m. Or maybe he doesn’t because this person used Yoongi’s pictures so who knows what else they are lying about.
They used his own pictures from his Instagram profile. What the fuck?
“What the fuck?”, he whispers, quickly apologizing when the grandma to his left tuts disapprovingly. Yeah, right, he is still in the waiting room. Well, he can’t just leave it like that. He has to do something. This person can’t just catfish people with his pictures, hell no. Thank God this is one of these dating apps where you can message a few people per day without paying so he quickly searches for the message button and types.
You:
Yo dude, I don’t know what you think you’re
doing but take down my pictures.
And maybe consider using your brain before uploading
someone else’s photos to catfish strangers.
“Min Yoongi-sshi?”, an elderly woman with a clipboard in her hand enters the waiting room. Of course this is the moment he gets called in, before he can think of how to properly phrase his outrage. Yoongi quickly presses send and stands up, following the receptionist out of the room.
@Kim
Namjoon clicks on the save button and leans back in his desk chair, stretching his arms over his head. The song he has been writing is going so well that it almost surprises him. The girl group at the company he is working at is going for a different style for their next comeback, something more mature and especially the first single should represent that. The other producers all agreed that Namjoon’s idea was the best one, the one that would fit the vibe they’re going for the most and now he has the honour of finishing the guide track. He recorded some verses yesterday and is pretty sure he’ll be able to finish on time today. Maybe he and Hoseok can go check out that new movie they wanted to see?
Namjoon grabs his phone from his backpack to shoot the other a quick text, asking if he has time tonight. Looking at his notifications, there is nothing he wants to check now, nothing urgent. Just a few notifications from Kakaotalk – his mother as well as a picture from Taehyung that is most likely just a meme – and a few from Instagram, but unfortunately not alerting him to new pictures from his favourite account. There is also an icon he doesn’t recognise right away saying he got a new message so he clicks on it.
As the dating app opens, Namjoon chuckles. He hasn’t used it since the one night last week when he installed it as he didn’t feel the need to talk to strangers or swipe through profiles. He has received a few messages since but he never bothered to check them but as the app is already open now, where is the harm?
The first two messages he clicks on are from guys whose profile pictures only show huge, bulging arm muscles. So definitely not his type of person then and the messages are just weird. What is it with incorrect spelling nowadays?
The most recent message is from someone named Agust who has a picture of only his silhouette as profile one and the message starts with Yo dude. Not expecting much, Namjoon clicks on it, almost letting his phone fall out of his hands the moment the reads it. Is that …? This can’t be, right? This is just a joke, right? There is no way that yoongels93 also has a profile on this dating app and saw that he uploaded his pictures? This must be a joke! But then, why would someone tell him that they are the person in his pictures if they were in fact someone else?
What should he do now? Namjoon stares at the screen until it goes black again. Maybe he should apologize? Why on earth did he upload someone else’s pictures there anyway? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
He types a message, deletes it, types again, deletes it, types again and finally presses send.
You:
I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anyone.
He stares at his phone as if staring at it would magically summon an answer. Then, he puts his phone back into his backpack and turns around to face his computer. Unsurprisingly, he can’t really get into the right mood to concentrate on the song for the girl group again. After clicking around aimlessly for a while, he takes his phone out again with a sigh. Even though he is sure that there will be no answer, he still presses the home button. When he sees the notification, he actually knows which app it is from this time and clicks on it as fast as he can.
He doesn’t know what kind of reply he expected. The guy is probably angry, right?
Agust:
Well, just delete my pictures from your profile please.
You:
Of course! I am so sorry, really!
Namjoon does exactly as he said, deleting the pictures so that his profile just shows the generic grey silhouette again. Then he takes a deep breath and almost chokes on it as the realisation hits him. If this guy is not bullshitting him – which would be funny, someone bullshitting him who had been bullshitting first – then he is actually messaging with @yoongels93. Like, the guy he has been admiring for weeks, no scratch that, months now! Namjoon can feel his heartbeat pounding in his chest. There is not much he knows about this guy, just his work and the snippets of his life he likes to share through his personal Instagram account, but he is really intrigued. Should he message something? But what could he say? It’s not like he made a good impression to begin with. Luckily, the photographer solves his problem by replying to his last message again.
Agust:
Why did you use my pictures to begin with, actually?
Never thought I’ll come across my selcas being used for a catfish profile
Namjoon would never in a million years admit that his hands are kind of sweaty as he is typing out his reply.
You:
I am a big fan of your work
I follow you on Instagram
And then my friends kind of made me create a profile here and
To be honest, I’m not really sure why I just didn’t
leave the photo part of it blank
I just really admire you, this is why I thought of your selcas
Namjoon has been nervous in his life plenty of times before, but this takes it to a whole new level. While he is spinning around in his desk chair, waiting for a reply from a person on a dating app. Who would have thought.
He can see the three dots signalling that the other one is typing. Only a few seconds now and Namjoon will know what he thinks, will know if he finally made a complete fool out of himself in front of yoongels93 without even trying. That’s when the doorbell rings.
He locks his phone so fast he almost drops it again, but thankfully he catches it at the last second and puts it down safely on his desk before he sits up straight, moving the mouse so that the desktop monitor illuminates. He opens the first track he sees and tries to look busy until he remembers that he actually has to stand up and get the door if he wants the other person to come in. Opening the door, he finds Changmin smiling at him, another producer working on the new album for the same girl group.
“Hey Namjoon-sshi, I hope I’m not interrupting?”
“No, I was just …ahh .. no, it’s fine, Changmin-sshi”, Namjoon tries to look unsuspicious but he probably fails completely. Hopefully the other one will not think he was doing something weird in here.
“I just wanted to ask if you want to join us for drinks later, a few of the producers are going out to check out the new bar two blocks from here, the one with the fancy German beer, you know?”
“Ah yeah, I’ve heard about it”, Namjoon nods. “Sure, count me in!” He smiles politely and after another few sentences of small talk, he closes the door again and slumps into his chair. Then he remembers that he was actually desperately waiting for a reply from Agust – why is this his nickname? He wants to ask so badly – before his colleague rang the doorbell.
Agust:
Oh
Thank you
That’s really nice of you
Puh. This is not bad. Not bad at all regarding the start this conversation had but he has to come up with something witty real quick if he wants them to keep talking.
You:
I especially like the most recent photo of Seoul
The sunset is just really magnificent there
And the one you posted of the dog, the poodle
The picture where he is sniffing the yellow flowers in the park
That was really cute
But also really artistic and interesting in its composition
Okay, he has to stop rambling now.
Agust:
Oh okay
Thanks
You do really know my work then, huh
What do you do? Your profile says you’re doing sth with music
But I’m not really sure I should trust your profile ;)
Okay, Namjoon does deserve that last remark, he would have probably said the same thing.
You:
Everything else in my profile is true
My age and my hobbies
And I am a producer and I sometimes rap my own stuff
But only on soundcloud
Agust:
That’s really dope
Share your soundcloud so I can listen to your stuff
You:
You really want to listen to my music?
Agust:
You know my work so it’s only fair that I get to know yours, right ;)
Wow. He did definitely not expect this day to turn out the way it did when he woke up. Namjoon has to actually laugh out loud. Well, the guy is right, it would be only fair to share his work with him. But then again, he knows his name whereas Namjoon still has to refer to him as Agust or Yoongels in his head so he should ask for that information in return. The song he has to work on long forgotten, Namjoon starts excitedly typing on his phone.
@Min
Yoongi is watching Holly pee against a large tree. Then the fluffy brown poodle decides that he also wants to pee against the tree on the other side of the road and drags Yoongi with him. He sighs and looks up at the sky while the small dog does whatever he needs to do. Then he feels his phone vibrate in his back pocket and has to squint at the screen to make out the name.
“Yo Jin, what’s up?”
“Ah Yoongi-ah, I just wanted to ask if we could maybe switch our dinner plans to tomorrow? Kookie really needs help with his essay and I kind of promised I would help him, but I don’t think I’ll make it in time”, Jin explains, at least having the decency to sound remorseful as well.
“Well, no problem but then we have to make plans for the weekend because I can’t tomorrow, I’m meeting Namjoon for coffee tomorrow.”
“Who?”
“Namjoon. The catfish-guy”, Yoongi sighs. The woman that he just passed frowns at him. What is it with women making displeased faces whenever he is outside lately?
“Aaah!”, Jin’s exclamation is so loud Yoongi has to momentarily remove the phone from his ear to save his eardrums.
“You’re still constantly texting with him, aren’t you?”
“Well”, Yoongi can feel his cheeks heating up even though he does his best to supress it. At least Jin can’t see this over the phone. “Well, not constantly. But he is fun to talk to, he knows so much about music, which he actually should as a producer. And we do share the same taste when it comes to rap, so. Can’t blame me, I’d say.”
“You have to tell me all about your coffee date during dinner then.”
Yoongi can practically hear Jin wiggling his eyebrows through the phone.
“Sure, hyung, sure.”
Tomorrow and with it said coffee date comes faster than expected, as life usually does and in the blink of an eye, Yoongi is already pulling up in front of the coffee shop he suggested as a meeting place. It seemed like a good idea, he likes coffee – understatement of the century – and in case Namjoon doesn’t, the shop still offers a variety of teas so they should be fine. Also, coffee is less awkward than dinner – in case it should get awkward, it is still their first meeting in person. The two of them have been texting quite a lot during the past two weeks but definitely not constantly, like Jin was implying. Namjoon is just incredibly nice to talk to. Who would have thought that he would be meeting the person who used his own selcas for a dating app profile? Jin insisted on knowing the exact location of their date though, in case Namjoon turns out to be an old, creepy bald guy. That would be a turn of events – Yoongi being catfished with his own pictures. Definitely a story to tell later.
He peers through the large windows into the coffee shop. It’s pretty empty this late in the evening which is definitely a bonus. Even though this whole thing started with selcas, Yoongi has actually not the slightest clue as to how Namjoon looks like. It kind of never came up and when he realised this lack of information this morning while going through possible outcomes of this meeting in is head, he decided that he will just go with the flow anyways.
The doorbell chimes above his head when he enters and the young girl behind the counter smiles at him. Yoongi grimaces back and approaches the counter slowly while carefully scanning the room. There is a young couple sitting in a booth to the left and an elderly man immersed in his newspaper sitting close by. His gaze wanders to the back corner of the coffee shop and there he spots a guy who looks around his age, even though he seems to be tall even while sitting down. The dude is staring at him with his mouth hanging open and that is exactly why Yoongi is quite sure he has actually found Namjoon.
He slowly approaches the table, giving the guy time to regain his composure. When he is only a few steps away, the dude finally closes his mouth only to smile widely and – oh. Oh. Dimples. Wow. Yeah, Yoongi can definitely get on board with that.
“Namjoon?”, he says when he is only one step away from the table.
“You’re even more beautiful than in the pictures”, the other one mumbles, immediately blushing furiously, as if he hadn’t even wanted to say that out loud.
“Ah yeah, I – I’m Namjoon”, he says then, louder than was probably needed given their distance, as if that would erase his earlier mumbling.
Yoongi decides to be a nice person and pretend he didn’t hear what the other said before.
“So, did you already order?”, he asks, which is kind of stupid as he can clearly see the cup of tea placed right in front of the other.
“Yeah, I don’t really drink coffee but they have fancy herbal tea here. Sit down, Yoongi-sshi, I’ll get you something, my treat”, Namjoon rambles, blushing even more than before.
Yoongi frowns.
“No, I’m the hyung so I should buy. Also, call me hyung, please.”
“Ah no, hy – hyung, let me buy, as apology for using your photos”, Namjoon is quick to reply, the blush still adorably dusting his cheeks.
“Okay, but only this time”, Yoongi relents, sitting down because he is really not a fan of arguing in coffee shops or restaurants. There will be plenty of opportunities to buy a cup of tea for Namjoon, if these past two minutes are a reliable indicator of how adorable the other is in real life.
Namjoon scurries to the counter before Yoongi can even open his mouth to tell him what kind of drink he prefers. It takes Namjoon only half the way to the counter to realise his mistake though, so he returns, his cheeks coloured in an even darker shade of red than before.
It’s quiet for a long second when he comes back and places a cup of dark coffee in front of Yoongi. So apparently, they both suck at starting a conversation, good to know.
“Sooo”, Yoongi starts, dragging out the vowel in hopes of coming up with something smart while doing so. He doesn’t.
“You do this often? Catfish other people on dating apps?”, he says then, wincing on the inside. So this is what his genius brain came up with? You do this often? Wow. Maybe he needs to work on his social skills then.
“I – No, I actually don’t use dating apps at all, my friends just wanted me to install that one and –“
“Ah, sorry, Namjoon-ah, ignore my stupid question, I just didn’t know what else to say, so”, Yoongi resorts to staring at his hands, that’s a much safer territory than Namjoon’s gorgeous face.
“I – I’m glad you did”, he adds though.
“Huh?” Namjoon looks as stunned as Yoongi feels. Okay, now he’s going from really bad lines to admitting how he feels? What on earth is Namjoon doing, fucking with his brain like that?
“I’m glad you tried to catfish other people with my pictures. Not sure we would have met otherwise, I usually only use that app when I’m bored.”
“I was not catfishing, hyung”, Namjoon says loudly, loud enough for Yoongi to look up and loud enough for the other people in the coffee shop to look at them as well. But Namjoon doesn’t seem to care, he just holds Yoongi’s gaze and continues.
“I mean, I never intended to actually talk to someone on this app. So I never planned on using your pictures to lure someone in, and isn’t that the definition of catfishing?”
He sounds a tiny bit enraged, shoulders puffing up a little but the dimples appear and let Yoongi know that he is only playing, and Yoongi has to say he likes that challenging side of Namjoon a lot. Before he can come up with a witty reply, Namjoon starts speaking again.
“But I’m really glad you messaged me, hyung.” They sit there in silence for a moment, just looking at each other, cheeks all pink and Namjoon’s dimples all out on display.
“Me too, Joon-ah”, Yoongi breathes, but he is sure the other heard him.
“And actually”, Namjoon perks up, “why is it called catfishing anyways?”
“What?”
“Why is it called catfishing? What did catfish do to deserve this? They were just swimming around, minding their own business and then people came and – why are you laughing, hyung? Hyung?”