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The sun is just rising over the water, air warm and muggy as they sail ever closer to their tropical destination. Jester looks back at the sketchbook in her lap and adds a few strokes of color to her painting; the ocean dawn is even more beautiful here than is in Nicodranas.
"Hey, Jester," says Fjord. "You good up there?"
Jester blinks down at him from the crow's nest. It's been mostly cleaned of blood by now, and it gives her some much needed distance from the rest of the party on occasion. Only Caduceus comes up here at this point--and they don't have any problems sitting in comfortable silence.
"Yeah," she calls back. Fjord's in full armor, squinting in the sun's glow. Jester can't look at him for too long without seeing blood and seawater superimposed over his silhouette. "The sunrise is really pretty out here!"
"Mhm." Fjord nods, eyes still on her. Like he's waiting for something. She peers at him and he sighs. "Could you, um, come down here for a minute?"
Jester raises her eyebrows. "Sure, I guess," she says, setting her sketchbook off to the side. It's not often that Fjord wants to talk. Or maybe that's being unfair to him, but in their more recent travels, it seems to be the truth. It's easy to ignore; just another crack in their mismatched family.
Jester leaves her art supplies next to the pile of pillows and clambers down from the crow's nest, trying to free herself of cloudy thoughts. Alone she can brood on them all she likes, but with company there's always a smile to wear.
Caduceus would get it. If she ever felt like telling him. Maybe it's a cleric thing.
Fjord is leaning over the railing, scanning the horizon for anything out of place (a dragon turtle, for example). Jester knows he only has another hour or so before it's his shift at the helm, but if he wants to spend it awake, that's his business. Jester hasn't been sleeping great either.
"Soooo, Fjord," she says, joining him at the ship's edge. For a moment, she's glad Veth isn't here to make insinuations. "What did you want to talk about?"
Fjord won't meet her eyes. It's not an encouraging sign. She bumps his elbow with her own, just to knock him off balance and maybe get him to stop looking so nervous, and he turns to her abruptly; the sun catches his gold eyes and makes them glow.
"Jessie," he begins. There's a split second in which she wonders whether he's going to do something--before he continues, "Are you... mad at me?"
Jester stares at him. "Mad at you?" she repeats, running through their interactions as of late. "About what?"
Fjord taps a rhythm into the railing with a long nail. "About my god," he says. "The Wild Mother--I know you have mixed feelings about Her. And it must have seemed like..." he hesitates. "Like I was choosing Caduceus over you."
The unfortunate thing is, Fjord isn't wrong. Jester had thought--stupidly, it seems--that, well, they had known each other longer. They had a deeper friendship, or whatever it was. (Only ever friendship, her mind supplies helpfully.) And he hadn't even given the Traveler a chance.
"Well, didn't you?" It's not helpful, to go on about this, but Jester can't let it just sit there. Can't not acknowledge the truth of the matter.
Fjord looks pained by her defiant stare. "I'm not--" he laughs, short and mirthless. "I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not exactly an agent of chaos, Jester. I don't think--"
"You're friends with me!" she interrupts, not quite realizing until the words are out of her mouth. "It's as much 'fate' or whatever Caduceus says as it is with him! But you didn't even try."
For a second she just stares at her hands, shocked. That was... she didn't know she had that in her. And it leaves a bad aftertaste in her mouth, but it still rings true.
The moment of silence from Fjord stretches too long, and Jester squeezes her eyes shut. "I know you're all skeptical about him. But he's trying his best! He's helped us a lot, and he's always been there for me. He... he could have been there for you, too."
"...You're right." Jester's eyes pop open, blown wide. Fjord isn't looking at her. "I didn't give him a chance. I should have. I owe that to you, at least. It's too late to make up for it, but. I'm sorry."
"Wh--Fjord. You don't owe me anything! What are you talking about?"
He finally looks up from the ocean surface, though Jester can still see it reflected in his eyes. It's pretty, of course. But that gaze doesn't light up anything inside her; it hasn't for a long time.
"You've saved our asses so many times," Fjord says. "We all owe you!"
"Come on, Fjord, even you can tell Caduceus is the better healer here."
"Even I--?" he shakes his head. "Fine. Both of you, then. We would be dead a hundred times over if it weren't for you. And you--Jester." He looks at her, straight at her, warmth in his eyes. "You make us better people. You make me a better person. You have since the day I met you." Jester's own eyes start to feel hot. "You deserve more than I can give you."
Fjord is not exactly a tactile person, but Jester knows he's been conditioned to accept hugs from the Nein by now, and she doesn't hold back when she throws her arms around him and squeezes tight.
"You don't need to give me anything," she says, voice muffled as her face is pressed against his chest. Slowly, his arms come to rest on her back. "You're a good friend, Fjord. That's all I want."
She squeezes him once more--getting a choked gasp in return--before letting go and rubbing at her watery eyes. Fjord's hand lingers on her shoulder for a moment, and when she looks up he gives her a small smile.
"...Friends?" he says quietly. "You're... fine with friends?"
"I am great with friends," Jester retorts, before falling back and fiddling with a lock of hair in front of her eyes. "But... yeah. I dunno... I don't think I really like you that way anymore." Traveler, this is so embarrassing. Fjord doesn't need to know this! She should just let him stew in uncertainty for a little while.
"Oh," says Fjord. His expression is blank.
"Oh no, you're okay with that, right? I mean I don't want to let you down or anything but I just--"
"No! No. I think it's a good idea to put this all in the past. You have plenty of other people who deserve your attention more than I do."
Willing the awkwardness out of the air, Jester gasps and grips Fjord by the shoulders. "Are you saying somebody has a crush on me?" she says. Partly for theatrics, but... there's a small part of her that wonders. If maybe Bea--
"C'mon, Jester. Everybody has a crush on you. Well, probably not Veth."
"Or Caduceus," she adds, and watches curiously as his gaze snaps back to her with surprising intensity.
"Really? Why would you say that?"
"I'm not really his type," she shrugs. Thoughts of Caduceus, turned to an unstoppable rage at Fjord's death or watching Fjord meditate with an inscrutable look in his eyes, come to mind. "And, I guess I kinda thought he liked someone else."
Of course, that's the only thing she can say--a bond between clerics is unbreakable, and she would protect Caduceus's secrets 'til the bitter end.
Fjord's expression briefly goes twisted at Jester's words, like he's eaten something terrible, but it's only a momentary lapse in his neutral mask. Nevertheless, she files her suspicion away for future consideration.
"Are you suuure you don't know who has a crush on me?" she says, giving a dazzling grin. She's only asking to redirect the conversation. Obviously.
Fjord studies her; she keeps smiling in face of his scrutiny. She knows him well enough to know he has a hard time reading anyone, let alone herself, a true master of disguise.
"Nope," he says eventually. "Don't know anything."
"Fjooord! You talk with Beau all the time!"
"You think Beau likes you?"
"...You don't?" Jester falters. It's not like she needs romance in her life, but she'd kind of thought...
"Huh," Fjord says, which is neither here nor there. "Well--"
"Okay okay! You know, it's fine if she doesn't! It's not important!" Jester can feel her cheeks heating and her tail twitching. Fjord looks to her curiously, but doesn't say anything. "You're pretty bad at gossiping," she remarks, turning back to the ocean to cool off.
"I don't gossip," Fjord says, sounding vaguely offended as he leans far over the railing to scan the water's surface. "Everybody's business should be their own."
"Whatever you say. Captain." Jester is well aware of her ability to get anyone to cause a little chaos. It's something she prides herself in greatly. Still... Fjord is a tough case. He's definitely loosened up since they first met, though.
"I do say so," he mutters to himself. Jester snorts and knocks her head against his shoulder with enough force to make him flinch. She leaves it there for a moment, and they watch the sun rise; it's gone past the horizon line now, and the orange tinge to the sky has mostly been overtaken by blue.
"Ah shit," Jester says under her breath. Fjord hums an inquiry. "I think I left my paints open up there. They better not have dried out..."
"Go get them. I'll still be here."
Jester hasn't quite forgotten that he died a few days ago, so she takes his words with a grain of salt. Still, she moves her head off his shoulder and smiles when he glances her way.
"Thanks for listening," she says quietly.
"Thank you for giving me a chance," Fjord returns.
"Any time, Fjord. Obviously." Jester takes a few steps back to the crow's nest before pausing and turning around. "And, you know, you weren't wrong. You'd be a terrible follower of the Traveler."
She pretends she can't hear Fjord's indignant protests as she walks away.