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It was midnight, around 2:00 am, to be exact, and Komaeda wasn't able to fall asleep at all. Next to him was his boyfriend, who was sleeping peacefully. His arm was around his body and Komaeda admitted that he felt safe in this position, yet his mind had to contradict him, as always. His self deprecation was always strong during the day, but for no reason at all, it got worse at night. Maybe because he was left alone with his thoughts and couldn't distract himself at all? Maybe because he could drop that facade he showed everyone, even to Hinata? Or maybe because he was too exhausted to ignore these voices in his head that were constantly telling him that he didn't deserve love at all and that everyone only stayed with him out of pity. Komaeda knew for sure that he hated himself, the voices, his own mind. Everything felt so repulsive and he wished he could just make himself disappear. Even his own voice made him feel like throwing up.
That's why he couldn't understand how such a hope filled and wonderful person like Hinata wasted his precious time on a scum like him. What was Hinata seeing in him? Why did he stick to him? And why did he love him when people exist who were more worthy than Komaeda? Questions that Komaeda could never answer, despite his intelligence. He just couldn't comprehend how someone could love him.
His thoughts got interrupted by Hinata changing his position. He was big spooning Komaeda and nuzzled his face into Komaeda's neck, not minding the white locks. A slight blush crept up Komaeda's face as he could feel Hinata's eyelashes and lips on his neck. He would like to see Hinata's face, but he was too afraid of waking him up.
"Hinata...why do you love me?", he whispered after several minutes of silence went by. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't find an answer. He finally gathered the courage to turn around, because Hinata wasn't clinging on him anymore, and Komaeda's heart stopped beating for a second when he saw his sleeping boyfriend. Despite the darkness, he could see his features well. His long eyelashes, his perfect nose, his soft lips that were slightly parted. The silent breathing of the man besides him filled him with calmness. Hinata was indeed beautiful, a masterpiece, as he liked to call him.
Carefully, he reached out his hand to trace Hinata's face with his index finger, while being as cautious as possible. "I love you so much...", he whispered once again, hoping that he wasn't heard. The last thing he wanted to do was to wake up the boy who literally worked so hard for him.
Yet he kept on tracing his finger through his face. Tracing his eyebrows, his nose, his warm cheeks, until he landed on his lips. His warm and soft lips that felt like home to Komaeda. He never imagined that a kiss could make him stop feeling worthless or trash, he never imagined that Hinata's touch could make him feel wanted. Sighing, he pulled away his finger, already missing the small contact between the boys. Komaeda didn't notice that tears were streaming down his face until he realised that his cheeks felt cold. When did he start crying? "I don't deserve you...", he muttered out of control, which made the crying get stronger.
The simple tears turned into sobs, uncontrollable and sad. He tried so hard to keep down the sound by hiding his face on his pillow, yet the muffled sound filled the entire bedroom. Why did he feel like this? Why couldn't he simply enjoy a moment without his twisted and weak mind trying to destroy him? Because he deserved it, at least that's what he thought. He deserved feeling like a huge disappointment because it's the truth.
"I hate myself so much...", he sobbed, tears streaming down his face onto his now wet pillow. Komaeda was so immersed in his destructive thoughts that he didn't notice a hand on his back that was caressing him. He only noticed the awaken state of his boyfriend when he felt kisses on his head.
"Nagito, hey.", Hinata whispered, not knowing what was exactly happening except that his boyfriend was feeling bad again. It wasn't the first time that Komaeda broke down, and he wished that it would always be the last time, because he didn't want to see his precious partner suffering. That's why he pulled him close to his chest, tossing the tear stained pillow away. Komaeda's face was now buried on Hinata's chest, while Hinata's arms were around the fragile boy. For some reason, Komaeda started to cry out loud, finally being able to let out his frustration and sadness.
"I'm so sorry.", he cried out, yet Hinata kept encouraging him while he rubbed his back and planted kisses on his head. "It's okay, my angel, let it out.", he whispered, repeating this sentence as much as Komaeda apologised, because he wanted him to remember that he could always show his emotions to him. He rather preferred Komaeda to be honest about his struggles instead of bottling up everything until he exploded.
Both of them had no idea of how much time went by. But it didn't matter at all. The only thing that mattered was to make Komaeda feel better. His cries started to calm down and become less, until he was only panting. But Hinata never stopped caressing him or kissing him, he didn't want to stop anyways. He wanted to protect Komaeda at all costs, even though it was complicated since his mind was hard to understand. Hinata didn't fear him, but was fascinated by him.
"Hey, buttercup.", he called him softly, trying to get his attention. "How are you?", he asked, looking down at the fragile boy on his chest. His eyes were filled with worry and love, an odd combination, but they weren't normal anyways. "I feel horrible...", Komaeda murmured into his chest, finally being able to put his own arms around Hinata's body. He wanted to disappear, but at the same time he just wanted to stay in Hinata's arms forever. The safety and comfort he felt around him were something he never experienced in his life. It was foreign, new, strange. But also pleasing, warm, and loving.
"Do you want to talk about it? I'd feel honoured to listen to you, Nagito.", Hinata encouraged him, without wanting to pull him out of his comfort zone. One hand wandered towards Komaeda's hair and he started to run his hand through the white locks,knowing that it would relax him.
"It's the usual self hatred. I just can't help it, I'm so sorry. I woke you up, I'm such a piece of trash.", he said, the insult towards himself coming out automatically. But like he said, he couldn't help it, and Hinata was well aware of it. "Please don't apologise. I love you and I want to help you, no matter when and where.", he replied, his voice sound so caring that it almost made Komaeda cry again. The thoughts kept repeating themselves, "how do I deserve love?" and "I am scum that no one wants" tormenting him. "I want it to stop, Hajime.", he whined, his voice cracking, which broke Hinata's heart.
"It is going to stop, I promise you. And I also promise you that I am not together with you because of pity.", he said and put his hand that was untangling Komaeda's hair under his chin to raise his head. Now he was able to look into the puffy eyes of boyfriend. Despite the terrible condition he was in, he couldn't help but feel in love whenever he looked into Komaeda's face. How much he wishes that Komaeda would see himself the way Hinata does. "Please don't stare at me, I look like a zombie.", Komaeda said giggling, yet his voice sounded tired and sad. "You look beautiful. And I am lucky to witness you in these moments. No matter if you are smiling or crying, you are always beautiful to me. And do you know why? Because I love you, Nagito Komaeda. I love you and every side of you, even your flaws.", he confessed, smiling at him and not breaking the eye contact.
"I love your hair.", he started to list while his free hand took a hair strand to play with it. "And your eyes.", he continued, letting go of the strand and tracing his finger through his eyebrows, until he followed the shape of Komaeda's eyes. "I love your nose.", he said, booping the tip of his nose, which made both of them giggle. "And your cheeks.", now he was tracing both of his cheeks, drawing a heart on them. "And of course, your lips.", he said, connecting their lips into a sweet kiss. Hinata's hand was resting on Komaeda's cheek, brushing off his tears with his thumb. Komaeda was overwhelmed with Hinata's love confessions, but decided to listen to him without questioning. Mostly because the fast heartbeat and Hinata's touch were distracting him for a bit.
They broke off from the kiss, yet Hinata wasn't over. His thumb was resting on Komaeda's lower lip and his eyes were filled with love, staring at Komaeda's eyes. "I love your intelligence. The way you see things from a new perspective, leaving me in awe with your reasoning. I love the way you talk about your favourite books, how immersed and fascinated you are. Especially your eyes start to sparkle everytime you tell me your character analysis or theories.", he continued to compliment his boyfriend, meaning every single word.
"Your voice is so sweet like honey, especially when you sing when you think that you are alone." "Wait, you know about that?", Komaeda interrupted him perplexed, which made Hinata laugh. "I do, and trust me, you sound wonderful. The point is, that no matter what your mind tries to tell you about yourself, it's wrong. I love you and everything about you and I can't imagine my life without you. I don't even want to imagine it!", he said, feeling a tear rolling down his face at the thought of losing Komaeda.
"I can't live without you. So please, Nagito, I know that it's too much to ask, but believe me when I say that I love you and that you deserve the best.", he finished, still having his hand on Komaeda's face.
"I am sorry. I'm kind of overwhelmed, but I also can't imagine a life without you, Hajime. I will try to improve myself, for us. Because I love you. I love you so much and I'm scared of losing you because you are literally the perfection in person?", Komaeda confessed, his voice still not being firm enough,but that didn't matter. What mattered was his willpower to improve. "I believe you. And I feel safe with you.", he added, tears coming out of his face again, but this time he was smiling.
"I love you too, my angel.", he replied, moving away some strands off Komaeda's face to kiss his forehead and then his tears. "And I will support you. You are not alone, please remember that I am always here for you.", Hinata assured, cupping Komaeda's face with both hands and rubbing his thumbs against his cheeks. "I will try to remember it.", Komaeda promised, looking deep into Hinata's eyes, and realising that he was serious.
"Come on, let's go back to sleep. What do you think about having a marathon of musicals while cuddling?", Hinata proposed his plans for the day and Komaeda nodded like a puppy. "I'd love to!",he replied happily, which felt Hinata's heart with joy. "Perfect, now we can sleep at peace and anticipate this day.", he said and both of them laid back down on their bed.
Komaeda was hugging Hinata and burying his face into his chest again, while Hinata also put his arms around Komaeda and put one of his hands in between Komaeda's hair. "Sleep well, my angel. And if the bad thoughts keep you from falling asleep again, then don't hesitate to wake me up.", he said and Komaeda nodded.
"Sleep well too, I love you.", Komaeda replied and finally closed his eyes, relaxing completely at Hinata's touch and listening to his heartbeat. Maybe one day he could finally let go of these thoughts that kept tormenting him for so many years. But as long as he was with Hinata, he didn't have to worry about fighting alone against them.