Archive of Our Own

The queue that snaked around the building was enormous. People were chatting and singing and the sound echoing around the walls of the concert hall was incredulous. A cacophony of everyone trying to be their best selves, to attract the attention of the cameras that were capturing every moment and to get themselves the five minutes of fame they so desperately sought.

Ben Mitchell didn’t want his five minutes. He wanted everything and he was there to make sure he got it. He had never had anything handed to him, he’d fought for everything he had in life. But this time it was different.

He didn’t even need to join the queue, he’d been personally invited by the production team who had seen his YouTube videos and Instagram lives, heard the couple of tracks he had put online, and visited the pub he sang karaoke at regularly..

So he walked straight up to the front desk, flashing a smile at the exasperated looking woman sitting behind the table, and took a deep breath.

“Ben Mitchell, I’ve been invited.”

“You and about four-hundred others so let me find your name.”

Ben waited as the woman scrolled through a list on the tablet in her hands, trying not to let the buzz of excitement that fizzed through his veins overwhelm him.

“Got you, head through to door two and show the pass in the envelope to the guy standing there.”

He took the thick brown envelope from the woman’s hand and smiled at her, winking as he did so.

“Good luck, Mr. Mitchell.”

Ben didn’t think he needed luck, he just needed to start the future he was waiting for.

He stepped into the building, followed the directions that had been printed onto the envelope and soon enough he was at door number two.

But the future he was waiting for looked an awful lot like his past.

So he did what he always did, put on his best smile, summoned up all his confidence, and spoke to the man waiting at door two.

“Ben Mitchell. But you already know that.”

Create New Playlist was the newest reality singing competition to appear on UK television. It followed a similar format to other, more well known, TV shows but as far as the production company was concerned why change a good thing?

Callum Highway had worked for the company making the show for a few years but this was their largest production by far. This time, he would be dealing with the “stars” of the show, the competitors.

Callum and fellow team member Eddie were going to act as handlers for the people taking part. They would be working closely with them, supporting them, cultivating friendships (and putting a stop to anything more than that forming) and everything else that was thrown at them.

This wasn’t Callum’s normal role but his boss had asked him if he was interested as he thought Callum was perfect for it. Callum had always thought of himself as being a friend for everyone, someone who could help anyone out that needed it.

But sometimes that backfired on him when he was the one left alone and in need of a friend.

Now it was time for the first auditions and he was probably more nervous than the people auditioning. He wasn’t really used to being out on his own, more used to working as part of a team. Eddie was in a different part of the building dealing with the walk-in auditions, the people who had queued for hours to sing for thirty seconds in front of a group of team members, most of them never getting through the next door.

This is where Callum was. Door two.

This is where the people who were invited to audition were, the people who were hand-picked by the production team and asked to come in and sing in front of the judges.

This is where only a few people made it, usually just a face in the crowd never to be seen again.

Until Callum turned to the person in front of him with a hand out and a wide smile on his face, only to find face Callum didn't think he would ever see again.

“Ben Mitchell. But you already know that.”

“What the hell are you doing here Ben?” Callum asked, looking at the hand extended to him in shock.

“I could ask you the same Callum, didn’t think this was your kind of thing, playing out here with the big boys.” Ben dropped his hand but the mock confident smile on his face remained.

Ben couldn't believe Callum was here. He honestly didn’t think he would ever see him again, the last image he ever had was of Callum walking away from him.

They had been together for just over a year, planning a holiday to somewhere hot, somewhere they could escape from the grime and smog of London. The grey atmosphere had been a suffocating backdrop for their whole relationship.

Then everything fell apart, and Callum left, and there was nothing but air surrounding him. The realisation that the sun he was searching for was always next to him and not across the ocean took a long time to hit.

Ben felt Callum’s blue eyes burning holes into his, the softness he always had when he looked at Ben was in this moment replaced with sharp edges and hard lines.

He knew what he deserved but the blame was never all his, the hurt wasn’t all his to cause.

“Cal,” Ben said softly, trying to push past the sudden rush of emotions he was feeling.

He had spent two years getting over what happened. Two years of different bedrooms, nightclub toilets, and a six month relationship that ended with two black eyes, a night in hospital, and a restraining order.

Callum didn’t answer, just held open the door for Ben and looked straight ahead.

Ben went through the open door but not before turning and saying, “Aren’t you going to wish me luck?”

Callum’s face finally softened as he turned to face Ben fully, “You don’t need luck Ben, you know that.”

The door closed between them so Callum didn’t see the real smile that lit up Ben’s face.

After introducing himself to the production team and finding out what was happening next, Ben sat down for an anxious wait. He’d situated himself away from most of the people milling around, many of them trilling vocal warm ups and practicing their lyrics.

Ben pulled his phone and AirPods out of his backpack and clicked onto the song he had planned on performing for his audition.

He closed his eyes and pressed play, resting his head on the wall behind him and feeling the cold of the brick. He used the rough texture as a way to focus his thoughts, trying not to let the moment overwhelm him.

Blue.

Blue eyes, sparkling with a soft smile.

Blue eyes turned dark during the heat of passion.

Blue eyes brimming with tears and hiding words unspoken.

Blue.

Ben’s own eyes snapped open as the image of Callum filled his head, the face he had long tried to ignore came flooding back into his memory.

He sat forward in his chair, trying to settle the hammering of his heart that was pulsating in his ears as loud as the bass.

He turned off the song and tried to calm his breathing, deepen the shallow breaths he was taking, using everything he knew in order to stop the tightening in his chest.

The screaming silence that was overtaking his mind was sharply interrupted by a voice shouting.

“Ben Mitchell, it’s your turn.”

He looked up at the person calling him and everything came back into focus.

The reason he was here, the reason he made every decision in life. The people he lost, the moments missed, this was the only thing that mattered for Ben.

He stood up and walked towards the door being held open for him.

This was his chance and he was going to grab it with both hands.

Ben was used to being on camera, he’d filmed himself numerous times for YouTube, hoping to build a following before this chance came calling for him. This was different though, this was bright spotlights and microphones recording every noise. Every breath, every wrong note.

He walked in front of the judges and stood on the spot that had been pointed out to him, he plastered on his best smile and waited for it all to begin.

The three judges on the show had been hand picked by the production team to appeal to as many people as possible.

First, there was the lead singer of an indie band, Matthew Sealey, liked by men and women alike and known for his passionate lyrics and interesting backstory.

Second was one of the most popular YouTubers on the platform, Sofia Neibald. She was known for always keeping up to date with trends and her in-depth dives into history which appealed to both young and old alike.

The head judge, Motor Brown, was one of the best known talent agents in the world. He represented some of the biggest names in the industry and the production team couldn’t believe it when he agreed to do the show. They simply chose to ignore the problems he was currently experiencing with one of his former signings.

Ben remained silent as he took in the moment in front of him, looked each of them in the eye and kept the smile as big as he could on his face.

Motor spoke first, introducing himself and the other judges, who smiled as they were named.

“So, what brought you here Ben?” asked Sofia, eyes soft and with a wide smile.

“This is all I’ve ever wanted to do. Everyone always says that, but I literally came out of the womb singing and never stopped. It’s probably annoyed anyone who’s ever met me but I’m good so they should appreciate it.”

Matthew snorted at Ben’s brash confidence, but Motor didn’t seem to agree if his grimace was anything to go by..

“Well you are going to have to prove that to us now, I suppose. So, what song have you chosen to bless us with, Ben?”

Ben swallowed, his smile slipped as he thought about the song he had chosen, the song he had always thought he was going to sing.

Blue.

He had icy flashes of blue eyes enter his head.

“Well I’ve been practicing a song non-stop for the past three weeks but I’ve changed my mind.” Ben’s eyes met Sofia’s as her forehead wrinkled with concern.

“You’ve changed your song? What brought this about?” she asked him in a voice filled with worry.

“Well funny story, just bumped into my ex-boyfriend and the song I was going to sing is what I listened to non-stop during the month after we’d split up,” Ben replied with a broken laugh and an even more broken smile.

“Shit man, you aren’t going to sing a love song to try and get him back are you?” asked Matthew.

“Ha, not really good at the whole love thing if I’m being honest, this song definitely shows that.” Ben rubbed the back of his head with his hand and trying to ignore the nervous energy buzzing throughout his body.

“Ok then Ben, I for one can’t wait to hear this. The team behind the show hand-picked you so clearly you’ve got some talent and you obviously believe you have something that means you belong here, so show us,” said Motor, eyes staring into Ben’s. Ben felt like it was a power play with Motor trying to show a sense of control, weaken Ben’s confidence and break him.

Ben couldn't be broken. He knew what he had to do and that was to dive into this chance, the one he had always been waiting for.

He handed his phone over to the guy dealing with sound, lining up the backing track that had been sitting in his playlist untouched for the last eighteen months.

Even though he hadn’t listened to it for so long he knew every part of this song, every voice crack needed in the lyrics, every flow of every sentence. He had sung along with it so often that it had become his anthem.

He held blue eyes in his head as he stood back on his spot. He waited for the music to start and took a deep breath as he began to sing.

Callum stood just outside door number two staring into the grain of the wood long after Ben walked through it. He wanted to reach out and follow the groove of the dark stain, ground himself on the texture underneath his fingers, he wanted to feel anything other than what was running through his head right now.

“Um, hi!” said a small, timid voice from somewhere behind him, breaking his haze and bringing him back to earth.

He turned to see someone holding out her pass indicating that she was here to audition too.

He checked the name, ‘May Prentiss’, and looked up at the face that he could feel staring at him.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m supposed to be asking you that,” Callum answered with a small smile.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, and if a ghost just walked into that room I don’t think I want to go in there after it,” she said with a sweet tinkly laugh.

Callum couldn't help but smile fully at that.

“No, I don’t think Casper the friendly ghost is here to audition, it was just someone I wasn’t expecting to see again.”

“Ah man, I always had a crush on Devon Sawa when I was a kid. I would have definitely followed him in there.”

Callum laughed again. “Who didn’t?”

She smiled at him gently. “Need me to kick anyone’s arse for you? The person who has you looking that sad probably deserves at least a light slap to set them right.”

“No,” Callum replied. “Things will be ok. It will all work out in the end.”

“You let me know though, okay? I might be small but I am mighty.” May squeezed the top of Callum's arm firmly. “Now, let me through because I’ve got to go sing my heart out and become the star I was born to be.”

Callum smiled, appreciating the kindness of a stranger who had bigger things to worry about right now than him.

“Go on then superstar, show those judges how mighty you can be,” he said, opening the door for her and letting her pass through.

“If I see a ghost I’ll let you know,” she said over her shoulder, her giggle ringing down the narrow halls.

The door closed again. This time, Callum had no distraction to stop him from falling into his thoughts.

Ben sang the final note of his song, closed his eyes, and waited for the comments from the judges. He knew he had sung it well, there were a few spots where his voice hadn’t been able to match the power that the moment needed, but his emotions were all in.

“Wow” said Sofia, snapping Ben out of his self-deprecating thoughts.

“Honestly Ben, I’ve never heard that song performed like that before. The power you gave to the meaning behind those lyrics truly was what the song needed,” said Matthew.

“Whoever that song was about obviously meant something to you. I understand now what you meant before about not being good at the love thing but sometimes you have to just let go of that. I hope that when that person watches this on television they will know the struggle you are going through with your feelings for them,” said Sofia, her compassion shining through her eyes.

Motor coughed. Ben’s eyes snapped towards his face. He did not look impressed at all.

“You chose one of the most well known songs of all time. One that has rarely been covered because of how much of a classic it is, and that’s what you choose to sing for us two minutes before your audition? You can tell that you had no practise at it. Your voice is good and you certainly have the face for this, but I don’t know if you have what’s needed to back that all up?” Motor said, his voice dripping with what Ben could only see as disgust.

“I chose it because that’s the only thing I could sing in this moment, the only focus I had was getting this song out of my system. Nothing else was going to match what I was feeling and if you don’t think it was good enough then that’s on you not me,” Ben spit back, unable to step back from confrontation.

“Well personally I loved it,” interrupted Sofia trying to diffuse the situation. “I’m really glad you chose to sing something that you have an emotional attachment to. I could really tell that this was a song you and I’m so happy you came on the show and shared this with us.”

“Yeah mate, I can’t wait to see what you do next, I’m saying yes to putting you through,” said Matthew with a broad smile.

“I’m a yes too, obviously,” agreed Sofia.

The two judges, along with Ben, turned to Motor.

“I’m a yes, but a hesitant one, I don’t think you’ll get much further but this pair think you are worth the risk. Don’t waste another chance though,” Motor stated, giving Ben an intense look.

“I haven’t wasted my chance, I’m glad I sang what I did and I’m happy that at least two of you can see what I can do,” Ben replied, trying to match Motor's intensity.

With a final wave and a smile, Ben walked out of the room, trying to fake the confidence he walked in with.

He was happy, of course he was, but there was only one person he wanted to share the news with.

Callum felt his phone buzz against his thigh as he entered the screening room. He left it in his pocket and sat down next to one of his colleagues, trying to focus on the people auditioning.

They made the footage of the auditions available to those on the crew so they could become familiar with the potential stars. Secretly, the crew also loved to place bets on who would get through and who definitely wouldn’t.

The footage only captured the person standing on the large taped x on the floor in front of the judges table so the judges reactions remained a mystery. It was an uncut stream to match the raw emotion that flowed through the singer at that very moment.

“Cal,” his friend Eddie said, acknowledging his sudden presence, “you alright? You look a bit down in the dumps.”

Callum nodded slightly, simply offering a small smile to Eddie.

“You just missed an absolute cracker of an audition., The bloke decided to change his song at the last minute because his ex is here! I can smell the drama in the air, the higher-ups are loving the possibility that they might both end up in the competition.”

Callum suddenly felt nervous. It couldn’t have been Ben, there is no way he would have mentioned Callum, but it did sound like something Ben would do. He was always making then breaking plans last minute, so changing his song during his audition wasn’t out of the ordinary.

“Did he mention who the ex was or are they just assuming it’s someone else auditioning?” Callum enquired, trying carefully to dig up as much information as possible before his brain began to spiral.

“Nah, just said they had bumped into each other earlier so he’s got to mean here, right? Anyway, he was really good and hot, in that bad guy with a heart of gold kind of way.”

Definitely Ben then.

Callum looked over at Ed who had turned his attention back to the television. Ben and Callum had broken up before he started working with this company and Callum wasn’t really someone who gave out his life story, so very few people knew about his past relationships.

He had no trouble helping others when they needed it, but when it came to his own troubles he always kept his cards close to his chest. He knew he was broken in parts, he knew what needed fixing, and what could be left locked away.

Ben was one of those things. Callum had kept the memory of Ben locked away for so long, part of his heart had been broken beyond repair and he had no way or desire to try and fix it.

He had been on various dates with people since they parted ways, since Ben had let Callum walk away, but he didn’t feel anything like he felt with Ben. He didn’t open himself up enough to feel the love he thought they had, the passion they shared, the secrets divested and the tears shed.

Opening yourself up for love means opening yourself up to hurt, so Callum stopped trying. Stopped trying to find what he had lost again. If it was meant to be it was going to happen, whether he went searching for it or not.

Callum’s phone buzzed again, breaking his thoughts.

He pulled the phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen. There were two text notifications, both from the same number. The number that Callum hadn’t contacted for a long time.

DO NOT CALL DO NOT TEXT - I made it through, you are the only person I wanted to tell, you were always my biggest supporter and I thought you should know.

DO NOT CALL DO NOT TEXT- it’s Ben btw, just in case you haven’t got my number anymore.

Just as Callum finished reading the two messages his phone buzzed again.

DO NOT CALL DO NOT TEXT - I miss you, I need you to know that.

Callum didn’t need to know that. He took a deep shuddering breath before pressing reply.

Ben put his phone back in his bag and closed his eyes. He was sitting in the waiting area ready to speak to someone about the next stages of the competition, about what was expected of him and what he could and couldn’t do.

He was proud of himself, but he was also riled up by the reaction he got from Motor. The fact that he seemed to dislike Ben’s song choice even though Ben knew it wast he best one he could have made.

Texting Callum was definitely not a good choice. Callum probably had his number blocked and wouldn’t even get the messages. He honestly didn't know why, but he’d felt an overwhelming urge to tell Callum the news.

Callum had long been a supporter of Ben’s dreams. They actually met at a karaoke night where Ben was drunk and belting out ‘My Way’ to a room full of similarly drunk people cheering him on like he was Frank Sinatra reincarnated. He’ll never forget the moment he noticed him.

The tall brunette had caught his eye, stood at the bar sipping slowly at the beer bottle in his hand, pulling at the corner of the label and dropping the bits onto the counter next to him. Ben hadn’t been able to take his eyes off him the whole time he was performing, but the man didn’t look back at him once and that just wouldn’t do. As soon as he’d finished singing, Ben jumped off the small stage and made his way over to the crowded bar, squeezing himself into the space next to the beautiful stranger.

“Sign of sexual frustration that is,” Ben said into the man's ear, breaking the trance that he seemed to be in.

“What is? Belting big band songs in a room of pissheads?”

“No, that is a sign of talent, I didn’t think you were listening?” Ben replied with a smirk.

“You were pretty loud up there, it’s not like I had a choice.”

The taller man put the beer bottle down on the bar and turned himself round fully to face Ben.

Ben looked up at the face in front of him and decided to test the waters, “I’m pretty loud everywhere actually, but that’s privileged information.”

“Even without a drunk crowd watching you?” The man asked. Ben paid particular attention to the pink blush that suddenly dusted his cheeks.

“No, I don’t want an audience for everything although I am multi-talented.”

They watched each other for a few moments, the air fizzing around them, before the stranger cleared his throat and reached into his pocket for his phone.

He pulled it out and checked the screen, Ben watching him closely the whole time.

“Past my bedtime I’m afraid, as much as I would love to find out what you’re performing next.”

“I could give you my number if you want, maybe give you a private show sometime?” Ben offered, reaching out for Callum’s phone.

“Are you like this with everyone …?”

“Ben, my name's Ben, and no, but not everyone I meet looks like you and seems so disinterested in my singing ability. You caught my attention.”

“Maybe next time I’ll pay more attention, you seem like you thrive off it.” He smirked as he handed the phone over for Ben to enter his number.

The man laughed as Ben entered his contact name as ‘Ben (attention whore <3)’.

“Text me and find out just how much attention I like.” Ben smiled as he handed the phone back.

The man returned his phone to his pocket and smiled. “Bye, Ben, I’ll start thinking of requests for my private show.”

“Are you even going to tell me your name?” Ben asked. The stranger didn’t reply, instead he simply turned around and walked away.

Ben watched as the stranger left the crowded bar, if he thought the front of him was good, the view from the back was even better.

He felt his own phone buzz in his pocket.

It was a picture of the man who had just left, a hastily snapped selfie of him in the dark of the street, softly lit by the neon lights of the surrounding establishments.

The phone buzzed again, this time the message just read ‘CALLUM <3’

Ben was snapped out of the memory by a member of the production team approaching him, introducing themselves, and ushering him and the other auditionees into a small room next to the waiting area.

Ben picked his backpack up from the chair next to him, feeling his phone buzz as he did so. He was suddenly filled with anxiety, wondering if it might be a reply from Callum, but he couldn’t focus on that panic right now. He needed to focus on the woman talking to him, asking him questions, giving him information about what will happen next.

The talk went on for around forty minutes, Ben signed a lot of paperwork, agreed to a lot of things, and reassured the team that he was okay with everything that was was going to happen from here on out.

The next stage was taking place the following week and included a weekend of training and multiple auditions in front of both the judges and the rest of the competitors, and honestly? Ben was excited. He thrived in front of others, loved the pressure of a live audience and the attention he got from it.

Before long, he was on his way out of the building. The environment was a bit calmer than it had been earlier and Ben was glad of the quiet. He reached into his bag and pulled out his phone, his brain was buzzing with hundreds of thoughts and he needed to know if the person he was waiting to hear from had replied.

His phone showed four new notifications, all texts, all from the same person.

Oh.

So he hadn’t been blocked then.

It was the following Friday when Callum walked into the area that backstage crew were working from. The final auditions were being held over the weekend and there was a lot of equipment that needed to be set up, a lot of people that had busy schedules and the overall buzz was frantic.

Callum was excited yet so nervous at the same time, he and Ed were going to be working with all two-hundred of the final stage contestants as they were whittled down to twelve for the final shows. He was used to dealing with large groups of people, but he needed these people to listen to him, to trust him, to basically do as they were told.

They had a lot of work to do over three long days: Friday was a day full of activity with an elimination taking the two-hundred down to just one-hundred contestants, Saturday would take it down to forty-eight and then the judges would each pick four people to be in their teams, taking those lucky few through to the live shows.

As Callum began to group the contestants together he realised his anxieties were nothing compared to those of the people in front of him. He could practically feel their nerves in the air around them, could see the excitement and the trepidation as it flowed through them, filling the surrounding area like static electricity.

The place was eerily quiet as everyone stood around waiting to be told what was happening next, who they would be working with, and Callum supposed they were waiting for their forever to begin.

In a room full of two-hundred people looking at him as he spoke, he could feel only one pair of eyes.

Ben was staring at him.

And even though he couldn’t see him in the room, he knew exactly where he was standing.

He always knew exactly where Ben was as he had always been such a force of power, a huge human being albeit in a small shell. Callum tried desperately to avert his eyes from where he was standing and instead tried to instill the listening crowd with some sense of calm before it all began. But it was impossible to avoid the inevitable, and their eyes met.

Callum tripped over his words for a second when it happened, but then he managed to swallow the nerves down and continued talking, not letting his gaze drop from the intense blue eyes staring back at him.

Before long, he had finished talking to everyone, explained who they needed to speak with to receive their contestant number and where he and Ed would be if they had any further questions. He also reminded everyone that from this moment on they would always be captured on camera so he asked them to try and keep it as family friendly as possible, of course in a room full of adults he knew this probably would be impossible but he implored them to at least try.

It wasn't long before he felt a tap on his shoulder, he turned around fully expecting it to be Ben. His mind was so full of all the things he wanted to say and would love to hear but he knew this wasn't the time or place. He had replied to Ben's messages after the first audition but they hadn't had any further contact since then and if he was being honest he was desperate to see Ben’s face.

He was also terrified of admitting that to himself. It had taken a long time for him to be okay with the thought of seeing Ben again, and now the knowledge that he would be seeing a lot of him this weekend filled Callum with both a massive sense of fear, and also something he hadn't wanted to admit to himself for a long time.

The fact that he still loved Ben. Completely and utterly, and the fact that he could never admit that to Ben.

So after turning around expecting to see the man that made his heart thump and sent blood rushing through his veins he was surprised to see someone completely different.

Ben watched Callum at the front of the room as he chatted happily to the pretty young woman who looked completely enamoured by him. Ben was trying to find a way to talk to Callum, a way to ask for a distraction from the anxiety that filled his whole body. Unfortunately, he had been beaten to it by someone who seemed to be a fellow contestant.

Ben wondered if she and Callum knew each other from before the auditions, the easy way they were laughing together and the way she kept squeezing his arm implied there was something there.

Ben laughed to himself. He wanted Callum to distract him from the anxiety bubbling in his stomach only to have the bubbles pop and be replaced with a seething envy.

No. Ben wasn’t jealous, he and Callum were over, it was just the first time they had been in a room together for a long time, it was messing with Ben’s head.

This was the first time he wasn’t the sole focus of Callum’s attention so maybe it wasn’t jealousy, maybe it was just that he needed eyes on him.

Needed Callum’s eyes on him.

All of a sudden there was a change in the room and the noise of the day kicking into gear managed to quieten the noise of Ben’s thoughts.

The place quickly flooded with the camera crew, sound guys and production assistants. People with headsets and clipboards, people looking important and clutching phones and coffee cups all began dashing around.

Ben watched as Callum shifted back into ‘important person’ mode, saying goodbye to the woman he was talking to and looking round the room. Ben didn’t think he was looking for anyone in particular until their eyes met again.

Callum shot Ben a soft smile and mouthed the words “You okay?” followed by a thumbs up.

Ben smiled back, held his hand out flat and tilted it slightly back and forth to indicate he was not feeling great.

Callum’s smile dropped and even from across the room Ben could see the worried crinkles around his eyes. Ben wished he could smooth them out with his thumb.

Another time he would have done, another time he knows Callum would have let him.

But it wasn’t that time anymore. It wasn’t even a possibility right now. Too many mistakes, too many bad decisions, too much water under their bridge.

Their eyes remained locked for a few more moments before crew members started barking out directions to the contestants, telling them where to stand and where they could look (only at the judges, not at the cameras).

Ben usually hated being told what to do, preferred to be the one giving out the orders, but this time he was grateful for the rigid rules forced upon him. He needed the routine to be able to ground himself to this moment.

He tried to remind himself of what he was here for. Tried to remember what he had been aiming for his whole life.

But looking at Callum who was looking back at him just as intensely? He was struggling to remember much at all.

Callum was pacing the large rehearsal room where they were currently shooting the first round of that weekend's auditions.

The morning had been spent with the contestants in groups of eight, all learning the same song which they would ultimately perform together that afternoon in front of the judges.

The first few groups were incredibly mixed vocally, the judges easily focusing on the two or three people who were good enough to progress further.

Only one-hundred people would make it to tomorrow and the individual auditions.

Callum had been interacting with most of the contestants, a lot of them were incredibly nervous so he was basically there as a calming mechanism for them. A quiet voice in a room filled with loud and hard noises.

He could tell which people in the groups were going to be what the judges wanted, the people whose potential stardom sparkled brighter than the others when they sang.

Ben was one of those people.

Callum had always known how confident Ben was, from the moment they met to the day he walked away he was always in awe of how brightly Ben shined.

Most people saw the confidence as something to be ashamed of, in fact he had already heard mutterings from people in Ben’s group that he was a show off and playing up for the cameras.

He wanted to take Ben to one side and speak to him, but despite the side of Ben everyone else could see, Callum knew what was really going on inside of that brain of his.

He knew that everything Ben was showing right now was just a bravado and all bluster, a carefully constructed wall that Ben hid behind, so no-one tried to get to the person behind it.

Just because Callum had managed to find his way behind that barrier before doesn’t mean he would be allowed behind it again.

He didn’t know if he wanted that anyway. He’d spent two years building his own wall, finding out the person he was, developing his defences and strategies for dealing with the way his world came crumbling down on him.

As much as he found fault with the way Ben treated him towards the end of their relationship, he knew he was just as much to blame. He knew the person he was when they were together wasn’t the person he should be. He stopped being true to himself in the last few months they were together, his need to love and be loved outweighed the brutal honesty he knew that he needed to accept.

Until the decision was taken out of his hands, then he knew the only thing he could do in that moment was to walk away, both from the man who had broken his heart, and from the relationship that he placed too much of himself into. It was a black hole he had fallen into but then finally managed to escape from.

Callum stopped his pacing of the room when he realised who was on the stage, who’s group was about to perform.

Callum looked around the large room trying to find an empty seat so he could watch this performance.

The room was set up similarly to how the live shows would be staged. There was a stage at the front of the room facing a table where the judges were sitting, there were a few rows of chairs for other waiting contestants to sit then the camera rig was set up behind the last lot of seating.

Callum spotted a chair next to May, she had already performed and of course gotten through to the next stage. Callum had watched her singing and marveled at how talented she was.

Even though she was small her voice had filled the room, overtaking those who she was performing with and attracting most of the judges attention. Unsurprisingly, she was the only member of her group to get through and the production crew were quick to do a solo interview with her, something they were only doing with people who they thought were going to make it through to the live shows.

The judges were chatting to the contestants on stage, all taking the time to make sure they were spoken to one on one, taking note of the nerves and the way they had been working together.

Unfortunately everyone was quick to jump on Ben, accusing him of overtaking proceedings and trying to boss everyone around instead of working together in the group.

Only one other member of their group jumped to his defence, speaking over the top of Ben before he could argue his point to the detriment of his standing with the judges.

Motor of course was quick to confront Ben on the accusations, having already shown during Ben’s audition that he wasn’t keen on him.

Ben’s face dropped and Callum wasn’t surprised when Ben clenched his fists next to him and spat, “Let's just let the performance speak for itself.”

Callum let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and waited for the group to start singing.

“Let’s just let the performance speak for itself.” Ben was practically shouting at the trio of judges in front of him.

He had struggled so badly with the group of people he was teamed with. Only finding one person who realised what Ben was trying to do, everyone else deciding that Ben was the bad guy.

All Ben was trying to do was make sure they all got their chance to shine, the way the group had decided to do it meant that everyone was singing over each other, a couple of group members had decided they would be the “lead” singers and take most of the verses themselves.

They of course were the people that considered themselves spectacularly talented, with looks and egos to match. The people who if they ever became famous would be surrounded by yes men and people so far up their arses that they wouldn’t know the actual truth if it hit them in their uppity faces.

Ben of the past would have done just that, but two seconds of connecting his fist with some dickheads nose would not be worth losing this chance over.

So he simply pressed his nails into his closed fists, took deep breaths in through his nose and waited to prove Motor wrong. He already knew that he was one of the better singers in the group, and he knew that was why the other members were so against him, envy was his favourite shade of green on other people after all.

The other stand out in the group was the person who was quick to jump to his defence, Frankie. She seemed friendly enough, if a little quiet. Her voice was far from quiet though, she looked like she belonged in a book shop and sang like she should be number one in the charts.

Ben was glad of the unexpected friendship, he struggled to let people in but if she went onto the next stage he knew he had an ally. Knowing someone had his back was a new feeling for Ben, he had lived most of his life fighting his own corner, so having someone standing next to him felt good.

He shot her a smile as the music started, happily she returned it and moved to squeeze his hand quickly. He was glad to have someone here for him, and he suspected she felt the same.

Callum couldn’t take his eyes off Ben throughout the whole performance, he saw a side of Ben he could never forget. The showman, the Star.

He understood now why the rest of Ben’s group were so upset, not because Ben had taken control of the group in their eyes, but because none of them had the talent and stage presence he possessed.

He watched as Ben stepped forward to perform his part of the song, watched as he let the other voices drift in and out of melody. Ben’s voice never once faltered, never once dropped the key that was demanded of him.

Vocally and rhythmically everyone else was a mess, but Ben and the young girl next to him had seemed to match their melody perfectly. Playing off each other and hitting the notes together like they had known each other for years not just for the morning.

When they reached the final note of the song, the girl grabbed Ben’s hand again and smiled at him. Ben pulled her into a hug, grinning as he did so.

Callum had loved being the recipient of that smile, so a pang of jealousy shot through him as he watched that interaction. As safe as he felt in knowing Ben’s sexuality, knowing that whatever he was showing towards the girl was just friendship, he also selfishly wanted to be the person Ben always smiled at like that.

Letting go of Frankie, Ben turned towards where the judges were sitting.

He knew it had been a mess. He had known it the whole time they were rehearsing, but he also knew how well he and Frankie had performed and how much they had given to prove they deserved to be here.

Ben stood biting his bottom lip. He curled his hands into fists and felt his nails dig into his skin as he watched the three judges huddle together to make their decisions.

The adrenaline that was rushing through his body from performing was slowly ebbing out of him as they continued to talk in hushed voices, Motor animatedly shaking his head which was almost always followed by Matthew rolling his eyes and lolling his head back.

Sofia eventually seemed to calm the two men down and turned her attention to the stage, Ben tried to get eye contact with her but she didn’t attempt to hold anyone’s gaze.

“We want to thank you all for being here, we know how much you want it, how long some of you have waited for this moment and I am so grateful to be able to have shared this moment with you,” Sofia began. “However after an interesting discussion we will only be taking two of the group through.”

Ben held his breath. This was it, make or break. He closed his eyes and waited for the moment that would either change his life or shatter his dreams.

“Ben and Frankie, congratulations you are through to the next stage. Commiserations to everyone else, if you could just exit the stage please?”

All the blood rushed to Ben’s head as he heard his name called, he thought he might collapse until he felt Frankie's arms around his waist screaming with excitement.

Ben heard a loud shout of celebration from the few people watching in the crowd, one voice he recognised but the lights were too bright on him to even begin to look out to see he could spot Callum.

“Congrats you two, that was epic, your voices were the only ones worth listening to on the stage just then,” Matthew said into the mic, a huge smile on his face and hands flapping about to express his excitement.

“Yes, well done you two, glad you are finally living up to expectations Mr Mitchell,” said Motor, staring intensely at Ben, “Frankie you were excellent, shame the look doesn’t match the voice but that can all be changed.”

Ben’s blood boiled at that comment and he was about to say something on Frankie's behalf when the girl in question beat him to it.

“Just because I don’t look like Ariana Grande doesn’t mean I don’t have what it takes to win, keep your outdated views to yourself.”

Motor shook his head with a smirk on his face, “not outdated I’m being realistic, but if you want to play that game fine, we will see you both in the next stage.”

Ben was shocked by the way Motor spoke but also by the quiet looking girl next to him who evidently had the guts to stand up for herself.

If he was into girls he’d probably be asking her to marry him already.

The rest of Callum’s day was spent trying not to think about Ben and instead either congratulating or commiserating the remaining auditionees.

The two-hundred at the start of the day had dwindled down to one-hundred ready for the next round tomorrow and Callum was surrounded by people crying because they had made it or crying because they were going home.

It had all become too much by the end of the day, his head pounded as the final one-hundred people were all guided onto coaches to take them to their hotel. The company had spared no expense booking the entire place so everyone had their own room to unwind in for the evening.

Callum had never been more grateful for a hotel bed as he finally got to sink down into crisp white sheets, the cold of the air conditioning a welcome break from the warm air that he had been breathing in all day.

He pressed his fingers into his temple trying to ease the throbbing in his head before giving in and moving into the attached bathroom to find painkillers. He hoped to stave off a bigger headache than the one that he was already experiencing.

He swallowed two tablets down with the bottle of water he had brought with him, face twisting in disgust as it was warm. He sat back down on the bed and checked his phone, he knew that some of his colleagues were still working, having set up a filming room in the hotel where they would interview some of the stand out contestants.

He knew after their joint audition, Ben and Frankie were top of that list and he wanted to see if anything had been put in the work chat about it.

Of course he had a notification of another sort, Ben had messaged Callum himself thanking him for the support and saying that he was going to be interviewed on camera soon.

So Ben must have heard Callum’s shout when his name was called then. Callum didn’t know whether that was a good or bad thing but he simply shot back a text saying that he deserved to go through, and wishing him luck with the interview.

Callum knew that he shouldn’t be showing any sort of favour towards Ben, if the people he worked for realised that they had been involved there was a chance that Ben would be out of the competition. But there was a part of Callum that would always single the other man out.

As much as he had been hurt by Ben and as much as he had hurt himself by walking away, he knew he couldn’t this time.

He couldn’t hurt anyone, he would simply be quiet and sit on the sidelines. Ben could not lose this chance that he had worked for all his life just so Callum could be closer to him. He would keep Ben at arms length, act as if he was just another contestant.

Even though right now that seemed an impossible task, an insurmountable thing to ask of himself but he knew he had to do what was right.

Callum was strong, he had to be strong, he had to do his job, he had to be the support everyone needed.

He just hoped that by the end there would be someone waiting to support him.

Ben was woken at 7:00am to the incessant buzzing of his alarm. He pressed snooze on his phone and snuggled back under the covers. He tried to go back to sleep until his real alarm went off at half past seven, but his mind had kicked straight into gear and wouldn’t let him settle.

He and Frankie had been asked to do an interview on camera, just a little sound bite to pad out the audition footage when it gets aired. They had been jointly interviewed after what had happened in their group audition, mainly the group turning against Ben and Motors apparent dislike of them both.

The filming crew seemed to really play off the chemistry they both shared, asking them fun questions instead of just the standard ones Ben had been expecting. He and Frankie had spent most of the time laughing and giggling, banter flowing easily between them, the cameras just filming their every move.

After the interview had ended, Ben went back to his room and was soon having phone calls from his family. His brother Jay had FaceTimed and he and his girlfriend had squealed so loudly Ben had worried he was going to get noise complaints from the surrounding rooms. Ben ended the call with a message to tell his mum that he would be home soon. “Not too soon, eh bruv?” Jay had said, knowing there was still two days left of this stage of the competition.

Ben had gone to sleep easily, exhaustion outweighing the nervous energy that had filled him all day. He had checked his phone a few times before bed but had received no further messages from Callum, he didn’t want to push too hard but he still sought the care and compassion Callum always extended to him when he needed him most.

He wanted to reach out, wanted to seek Callum out, find him and hold him close. No matter what had happened between them years prior, Callum was the only thing that had mattered to Ben for a long time.

He knew how much he had messed up before, so he wanted to make it better, make it right. He didn’t care if it only led to a friendship, of course he wanted more than that, but right now he just needed Callum, whatever form that took.

He needed Callum and he hoped Callum needed him. For the first time ever, Ben was going to be there if he was needed, he had made the mistake last time of only taking and never giving, he promised himself that it would be different this time.

The next day's stage was simple, all one-hundred auditionees had to sing one song off a playlist of fifteen, all hand chosen by the judges. If they were good enough they got through to the final forty-eight and the next stage, if they weren’t then they were gone.

Callum had the great task of helping everyone choose their song. He knew by the end of it which song most people would be choosing and therefore the judges would be fed up of hearing it over and over again. But he wasn’t allowed to alter the contestants' decision, he didn’t want to push people to choose something they hadn’t picked themselves. He could simply give advice and listen to what they had to say, not push their final choice.

He also knew that after Saturday if he never heard another Lewis Capaldi song again it would be too soon.

May had quickly found him to help her decide between two vastly different songs. He had seen her group audition and knew what her range was, he had seen what she was able to do and unfortunately it seemed like the song she wanted to do wasn’t really in that skill set.

So now Callum was torn between wanting to do right by his bosses and right by someone who needed him. May was probably making a mistake by choosing the song she wanted but Callum also knew that everything was being filmed and he didn’t want to be seen breaking the rules.

So he made the best decision he could think of, he helped May in a hushed voice, steering her onto the second choice, a song closer to the one he had seen clips of her singing at her first audition.

She accepted his guidance, thanking him for his help and rushing off into a quiet corner so she could continue to practice the song.

He watched her go and walked around the room for a while, stopping and helping everyone who needed him, stopping and listening to the myriad of voices filling the room.

He was right in that a lot of people were going to choose the more popular song and had already heard it in thirty different voices, in thirty different tones but all with the same disjointed lack of connection to the lyrics.

Until he happened upon the corner that Ben and Frankie were holed up in. They were surrounded by song lyric sheets, empty bottles of water and packets of biscuits. Ben always inhaled biscuits like they were air when he was stressed so it wasn’t a surprise to see that, what was a surprise was the small camera team that were filming their progress.

“Need any help you two?” Callum asked, greeting them both with a warm smile as they looked up at him from where they were sitting on the floor, his eyes instantly meeting Ben’s.

“Uh no, I think we are good,” replied Ben, his voice shaking a little as he looked at Callum.

“Excuse me Benjamin, you are good, I’m great,” said Frankie with a giggle, bumping her shoulder against Bens earning herself a smile and a good natured eye roll.

Callum felt his face fall but not wanting to show anything on camera he simply smiled again and stayed to hear what songs they had chosen.

He wasn’t surprised at all by Ben’s choice. The same song he had already heard many others singing. The song the judges will be annoyed by, having heard it so many times already. But Callum knew that even with all that, Ben would still give it his all, and would find the connection to the lyrics that everyone else wasn’t seeming to find. After all, Callum saw himself in the song, so why wouldn’t Ben?

After a long few hours of practice and waiting, Ben was finally stepping onto the small stage ready to perform for the judges. He had chosen the song as soon as he saw it, knowing the lyrics struck a chord within him. It wasn’t a song he listened to much, even with its constant radio airplay but as soon as the song page was in his hands, he knew this was the song to take him through. But even after getting each word perfect the way he had wanted to, he felt he had made a terrible mistake.

Because sitting in the theatre, watching the people around him do their auditions on stage, he slowly came to the realisation that everyone else had come to the same decision that he had. That this was the song they were going to audition with.

By the time it was his turn to sing, he had heard the song twenty-six times and that didn’t even count the people who had auditioned before him that he hadn’t seen, or the people coming after him.

Beforehand, he had been quite happy about being one of the last to audition. Knowing that he would be fresh in the judges' minds when they came to deliberate. But now he was about to perform the same song as everyone else had and that set him on edge. The lights were too bright on the stage, the silence of the room was suddenly too loud.

Everything around him was beating down on him and he was looking for a reason to stay. To not give up on this chance. To not give in to the anxiety and pressure that was building in his head, trying to take him apart and leave him shaking on the ground.

Then he heard it. A lone voice from the crowd shouting “You can do it Ben”. He didn’t need to be able to see into the seating to know who the owner of the voice was. That was what he needed, he was now able to open his eyes and face his moment. Knowing that he had Callum’s support grounded him straight away. Took the edge off and helped his anxiety seep away a little, it softened the buzz that was reverberating throughout his body.

He smiled at the judges as he stepped forward onto the large taped X on the stage, he felt the cameras as they all whirred into life, focusing on him and the chance he was about to take.

“Hi, I’m Ben Mitchell and I’m going to sing Someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi. You are probably familiar with the song by now, though.”

Ben’s pride wasn’t going to take a beating because he was singing the same song as other people. He knew he was better than most of the people he had heard already so fuck ‘em, this was his moment.

“So let me get this right mate,” Matthew said with a smirk on his face. “At your first audition you changed your mind minutes before about which song you were going to sing, and may I add, absolutely smashed it. But now you are going to subject us to yet another rendition of the song we have heard five-hundred times already today?”

“Yep, got a problem?” He replied with a wink and a large smile. He had no problem with pulling out the trademark Mitchell charm when he needed to.

“No man, just checking before Motor puts his two cents in,” Matthew said laughing and turning to face the man in question.

“Idiotic move again, Mitchell,” Motor replied, his mouth set in his usual scowl with dark eyes to match. “You probably think you can pull something different out of the bag but at this rate you are just digging your own grave,” his final words emphasised by the pounding of a fist on the table in front of him.

“Look kid, I’m all about this song so show us what you got,” Sofia said with a huge smile and a pat on Motors shoulders.

Ben took a deep breath and looked to the side of the stage where the stage crew were waiting. Shooting a nod at the one in charge of the music he waited for the song to start.

Callum listened as Ben put his all into the song, the lyrics and meaning buzzing around his head and filling his heart with a familiar ache. This song was one he listened to often and always thought of Ben while doing so.

From where Callum was seated he could see the playback screens of the cameras that were pointed at the judges. He was watching them more than watching Ben but of course he couldn’t stop his eyes from occasionally drawing back to his former love on the stage. For as small as Ben was, he filled the stage as if he was ten times the size. Callum often joked about Ben being like a rocket, tiny but filled with an explosive personality, like a little spitfire.

The judges all seemed transfixed as well, Motor occasionally scribbling something down on the page in front of him, Sofia getting lost and mouthing along to the lyrics and Matthew just watching him, hand propped up on the table with his chin resting on it. He almost had hearts in his eyes but Ben had that effect on most people.

Ben finished the song and as the judges weren’t giving their opinions at the end this time, he made to leave the stage. Callum ran down the stairs to meet him as he did.

Callum rushed past the people milling backstage, all offering Ben their congratulations on a job well done. Some slapping him on the shoulder which Callum knew Ben wouldn’t appreciate at all. He was proven right by the time the fourth person did it Ben all but growled at them.

“Ben,” Callum shouted as Ben moved down a corridor to where the contestants were told to wait after performing.

Ben turned to face Callum, his face breaking into a small smile “So, what did ya think?”

“It was really good, Matthew was practically drooling after you shot him that wink so at least you’ve got him on your good side,” Callum said with a small laugh, Ben’s face cracking into a smirk and rolling his eyes.

“Motor though, I think he fucking hates me.”

“I think you might be right, don’t try and flirt with him I think he’d combust with rage.”

“No more flirting then, got ya,” Ben replied with a wink.

Callum’s face flushed, he was about to reply when the radio he used to keep in contact with his other crew members burst into life telling him the final three people were auditioning and to send everyone to eat while the judges made their final decisions.

“Food?” Ben asked.

“Food,” Callum replied, “did you want to get something with me or have you got other plans?”

“Well apparently Matthew thinks he’s on to a winner so I’m going to find his dressing room first,” Ben said in a low voice, giving Callum his best flirty eyes and seeing how long it would take Callum to break.

“Oh well,” Callum tried not to become flustered under Ben’s intense gaze “I hear there are chips so I’m going to get food, but you go do that if you want.”

Callum had played enough of Ben’s games over the years to know how to win, just because he was out of practice didn't mean he still couldn’t have a go.

“Oh well if there are chips then I’ll be there,” Ben said with a huge smirk, laughing heartily and grabbing Callum by the arm dragging him along the corridor to his original destination.

Ben and chips, always a bloody good combination in Callum’s mind, maybe a bit of sausage if there was one going.

A couple hours later, Ben found himself with a full belly and a sore jaw.

He had been laughing with Callum and Frankie for most of the time whilst the judges were deliberating. Callum’s friend May had joined them towards the end and the four of them spent time chatting about nothing in particular as a way of distracting them all. Ben had obviously seen Frankie's audition and she had absolutely blown him away.

He knew she was a shoo-in for the final forty-eight and probably would go through to the live shows as part of the final twelve. However he hadn’t seen anything of May, and as friendly and funny as she seemed, she was also very into Callum.

Most of her attention while the four were together was spent staring at Callum, making him laugh, touching his arm and generally being a huge flirt. Ben had tried to play it off and had spent most of the time trying to make Frankie laugh, trying to get Callum’s attention off May and back onto him. So his sore jaw was partly from laughing but mostly because he was clenching it in disgust over the behaviour of his ex.

Callum had always been a shit flirt where anyone but Ben was concerned, the whole time they were together if anyone tried to flirt with him they failed, mainly because Callum didn’t notice or just thought they were being friendly.

With Ben however it was completely different, Callum was always flirty, always straight to the point. He knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask. This Callum however seemed to be gentle, chatting and smiling, whispering and accepting the touches that May was giving.

It made Ben’s blood boil, always had, Callum knew how jealous Ben was, but this time he seemed to be playing into it.

Unless Callum was actually interested in this girl, unless he wasn't interested in Ben anymore. It had been two years, he wouldn’t be surprised if the way he left Callum’s heart in tatters had meant he wouldn’t want to try again. But Ben did want it, he wanted to fix what he had broken. Wanted Callum to help fix the parts he had also helped to break in Ben.

He’d longed to contact Callum over the two years, but pride and fear always got in his way. This competition was a chance for many things for Ben. Not only did he want to win the top prize, he also wanted to win Callum’s heart.

Ben was broken out of his thoughts by the main production manager shouting that the judges had made their decisions and they would be announcing the final forty-eight. They would be brought on stage in groups of ten and various numbers of people would be told if they were through or going home.

Callum’s eyes instantly found Ben’s as a shot of adrenaline and nerves went through Ben’s system. Ben instinctively went to grab Callum’s hand, he had held it so many times through the years as a way of feeling protected, as a grounding mechanism for all the shit that flew around his head.

He could have cried when Callum shook it away, stood up from the table and bid goodbye and good luck to the group. He wanted to scream after him as he walked to the backstage crew area, all the time waiting for him to turn back and tell him it was going to be okay.

He was still looking at the door when he was shook out of his reverie by Frankie who was telling him it was time to move, to find out what group they were in, to find out whether the future they were waiting for was in their grasp. The only future currently in Ben's head was now behind a heavy black door and all he wanted to do was run through it. Instead, he did as he was told and went with Frankie, ready to accept another future that was waiting for him.

Callum wasn’t allowed to hear about the announcements as they happened, he was left backstage as slowly the groups of ten came back into the waiting area. The losing auditionees all quickly grabbed their stuff and left the building, all too sad and shocked to wait around while the excitement of the chosen ones filled the room and building with noise and joy.

May was one of the first people out of the room, she came zooming out of the room like a little firework. Practically jumping into Callum’s arms as he tried to give her a congratulatory hug, her squeals of happiness breaking through the constant barrage of thoughts going through his head.

When Ben grabbed his hand earlier he wanted nothing more than to squeeze it and show him that he was there and would support him no matter what happened. To show him that he would always be loved and safe. But Ben didn’t want that, Ben was no longer interested in Callum like that. He had been waiting for Ben to come back into contact over the past two years and he didn’t. It took a singing competition to bring them back together.

But as long as Ben needed Callum he would be there, he had loved Ben for years and would continue to for as long as Ben needed him to.

The wait for Ben to come out was torturous, Callum was trying to keep count of the people who had come through the doors and how many spaces were left. Eventually they were down to the final ten and only two spaces in the forty-eight were left. Callum stared at the door as he chatted to the remaining contestants, idly making chit chat with them and trying to answer any questions he could about what would happen tomorrow when they chose the final twelve for the live shows.

After many drawn out minutes the doors were finally flung open and a small group of people all walked out, most of them crying but Callum’s eyes were only on one person. Ben was always good at hiding his emotions, it’s why he never played poker with him because his game face was just too good. But when Ben’s eyes met his, that facade dropped instantly. The twinkle that was there showed Callum everything he needed to know.

All Callum wanted to do was run forward and grab him up, sweep him up in a huge hug, kiss him and tell him he knew he was going to get through. Tell him how good he was and how proud he was. Instead he shot him a smile, tried to force every bit of emotion he could through that one look, to show him what he really wanted to do but couldn’t.

With a smile and a nod he knew Ben understood, and he hoped that meant he felt the same.

The next morning came too quickly for Ben. Between the nerves of the final auditions and what had happened with Callum the day before he had barely gotten any sleep. As he walked into the room for the final round he was already buzzing with fear and excitement, let alone the two large coffees he had downed at the hotel during breakfast.

Today was simple. The judges would choose their teams for the live shows based on prior footage of the contestants singing and also a taped speech they were filming this morning. It was less of a speech and more of a “pick me pick me” plea to the judges. Ben wasn’t worried about his singing, he knew that it was enough to sway them into liking him but he knew that his personality was a harder sell.

Especially for Motor, Ben knew from the start that he was fighting a losing battle with that one, so his priority was to get Sofia or Matthew to pick him. He had written his speech at 3am deciding that if he wasn’t going to get a good night's sleep he might as well find something useful to do instead of cycling through Buzzfeed Unsolved videos all night.

He had spent the hour over breakfast reading and re-reading it all the while shovelling crispy bacon and pastries into his mouth and downing mouthfuls of shitty coffee. Now that he was sat waiting to film the thing he was panicking about, Frankie was next to him and she seemed equally as nervous as him. She was sat cross-legged on the floor trying to zone out the rest of the room but Ben’s constant leg jiggles made that impossible.

“Quit it Mitchell I’m trying to focus on my inner zen,” she sniped after the fifth time he knocked her.

“Sorry, sorry, I can’t control my leg, maybe you should move if it’s annoying you,” he replied trying to be as calm as he possibly could given the situation.

“Tough, you are like my emotional support chihuahua, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Chihuahua?” Ben asked, slightly shocked.

“Yeah tiny and fierce,” Frankie replied with a smirk, pushing against his leg again.

“Fucking rude you are, bloody tiny, I’ll show you tiny,” he remarked, words getting lost as the production crew came up to them and informed them they were the next two to be filmed and that they needed to get ready.

They had already been through hair and make-up, Ben getting a dusting of powder and his hair gelled in a way he didn’t particularly like so as soon as he had left the room he had mussed it back up. He didn't mind the make-up, his skin always looked better with a bit of powder when it was going to be under strong lights, he had learned that through years of performing.

He was led into a small room in which was a single camera, lighting, the production crew and a sound guy. The air in the room was warm and he could already feel small beads of sweat beginning to form on his brow, his nerves and the dry heat not making for a comfortable environment.

Ben was asked to sit on the chair facing the single camera and the sound guy attached a small microphone to the front of his shirt. He did a quick sound test whilst the crew member in charge of lighting also performed some lighting tests. Before long Ben was asked to begin his speech, the camera woman counted him down as he took a deep breath and began to speak.

Callum’s day had begun a little differently. He wasn't due on set until later that afternoon, unable to interact with the contestants until after they had filmed their speeches and they were waiting for the judges to make their decisions. However, he was too nervous to stay put so he had asked his friend Richie who worked as one of the editors for the show if he could sneak into the editing suite and watch the footage that would be shown to the judges for their final considerations.

Luckily, Richie was always willing to show off his work so he welcomed Callum into the room with open arms and a huge goofy smile on his face. Before long he was entranced at the speed in which Richie worked, trying to find the best and worst bits of the remaining contestants and weave it together into something the judges could use.

Callum was hoping to see the footage that was available of Ben but obviously he couldn’t ask outright about him so he just watched patiently, occasionally answering the questions that Richie had about the person whose footage he was snipping and weaving together. After a couple of hours of watching most of the people he had grown to know over the weekend, a familiar face was on the screen.

He tried to hide the reaction he had when Ben's face popped up but Richie picked up on it.

“I know, he’s cute right? Just how I like my men, feisty as fuck. Did you see his first audition, Cal?” Richie asked without turning his head away from the screen.

“Um, no, but I heard all about it, word gets around fast,” Callum said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

“Just wait until you see it man, the voice of this guy is something dreams are made of.” Richie adjusted the thick-framed glasses on his face. “Don’t tell Eds I said that, you know what he is like.”

“Secrets safe with me, Rich,” Callum replied, shooting him a small smile.

Callum continued to watch as Richie worked his magic, unable to take his eyes off the screens in front of them. He hadn't seen any of the footage of Ben, apart from the parts that he was there for and seeing him on a screen was completely different to seeing him in the flesh.

It was even more obvious that this was what Ben was born to do, not only did he command the stage he also filled the screen as if he was a true star. His personality and charm surrounded him and his true feisty nature was obvious in the way he spoke to the judges. Even if Callum didn't know Ben in the way he did, he was sure that the attraction he was feeling would still exist.

Ben Mitchell was like a magnet, and Callum would always find him. Would always be attracted to the sheer force that Ben was in this world. The judges would surely see that and choose him to take through. Callum had no doubt that Ben was a winner, always had been no matter what their history was.

Ben had spent the rest of the afternoon talking to Frankie and trying to avoid thinking about what was happening behind closed doors in the judges room. He had picked up his phone a few times to text Callum, ask him to come speak to him, distract him from everything that was happening. But everytime he put his phone back in his pocket and scanned the room for him instead. Callum had been avoiding the corner of the room where Ben was sitting, instead going round the room with Eddie and talking to everyone waiting.

He was determined to get Callum's attention for at least a few moments, but short of actually grabbing him by the collar and dragging him into a secluded corner, he couldn’t think of a way to do it.

“Fuck he is fit isn’t he?” Frankie said, breaking Ben's train of thought before it went anywhere too racy.

“Who?” Ben enquired turning to face her.

“Callum, I mean it's pretty obvious you agree, you've been staring at him all afternoon, and after yesterday's lunch break when it looked like you were going to smash May’s teeth down her throat everytime she touched him…”

“Alright, yes he is fit, but I’m here for the competition not for the eye candy,” Ben replied with a blush, not thinking he had been so obvious with regards to how he reacted to Callum's presence.

“I dunno Mitchell, the eye candy bloody helps when we are dealing with this sitting around waiting bullshit.”

“Aren’t I eye candy enough for you, Frank?” he replied, nudging their shoulders together.

“You’ll do, I suppose,” she laughed, “Don’t really go for chihuahua’s though.”

“Stop with the bleedin’ dog thing, you’ll give a guy a height complex,” Ben said laughing along with Frankie, his laughter being cut short by someone else joining the conversation.

“Short complex, yep I know what that's like, my boyfriend calls me honey badger when I start ranting,” Eddie said, putting his hand on Ben’s shoulder and smiling conspiratorially at Frankie.

Standing next to Eddie, was Callum. Ben eyed him carefully, their eyes meeting for a small amount of time before Callum went back to looking around the room. Ben could have sworn that Callum was more nervous than anyone else in the room. No small feat bearing in mind what they were all waiting for.

“We’ve just had news guys, the judges are ready to see everyone so we need you to head backstage and the production team will fill you in with what’s happening next,” Eddie said in an authoritative tone signaling for the pair to start moving.

In that moment all Ben wanted was for Callum to look at him, instead his eyes refused to meet Ben’s. He wanted Callum to reach out and wish him luck, he wanted some form of acknowledgement before he faced one of the biggest moments of his life.

But there was nothing, so Ben turned and walked away, ready to face what was coming.

Alone.

He was always alone.

Callum watched as Ben walked away from him.

Watched as he went without a word from Callum. He didn't know that Callum was just as nervous for his outcome, nervous that being next to Eddie and showing any sort of favouritsim for a contestant was against the rules.

But he didn't want Ben to walk away without him knowing that, as always, Ben was at the forefront of Callums mind. So he pulled his phone out of his pocket when Eddie was distracted and sent off a quick text.

I am here for you no matter what happens.

Ben felt his phone vibrate in his pocket as the production team were explaining what was going to happen next. The remaining forty-eight were to be split into four groups of twelve people. One group of twelve would be told then and there that they were out of the competition, the other three groups would be put into three different rooms with one of the judges. The judges would each then choose four people out of those twelve in the room.

Ben and Frankie were not put into the same group and as they were to be led through different doors Frankie squeezed Ben’s hand as they separated. He knew she would be chosen by whatever judge was lucky to get her so he didn't even need to wish her luck, she didn't need it.

However, when Ben walked into the room and Motor was standing waiting at the front he realised he was the one who needed all the luck.

“So guys,” Motor spoke to the group as soon as they had all been informed where to stand and the cameras had started rolling. “If you are standing in this room then don’t think you are safe, I’ve only picked four of you, which means the rest of you enjoy these final moments of TV fame because they will probably be the last you’ll have.”

He stopped talking and started walking up and down the line of people, Ben watched him intently as he passed him by but Motor did not even attempt to make eye contact. Ben knew how much Motor seemed to dislike him, he knew that there was no chance he would pick him for his team and honestly? He didn't even know if that's what he wanted anyway.

He needed a mentor that he could trust completely, that he could build a partnership with, someone that would help him reach his dream and be on his side. He didn't know if that was something Motor could do for anyone. He might be a manager to some of the biggest names in the music industry, but that didn't mean Ben had to like the guy.

“Okay, people on the left hand side of the room,” Motor said, sweeping his hand in the direction of the 6 people on the opposite side of the line to Ben. “Sorry guys, but it’s the end of the road for you, you won’t be going through to the live shows.”

The disappointment and the cries of the six eliminated contestants filled the small room. Ben didn’t even have time to focus on what was happening as he was suddenly shuffled into a new position by the camera crew, resetting all their markers before they started the final part of filming.

After the room was quiet again, and the final six people were left feeling the energy in the room bubbling around them, nerves and excitement building into a crescendo that made Ben’s ears fill with static. The only noise he could hear was the beat of his heart in his chest, threatening to break through his ribs and burst out onto the floor in front of him.

But the thrum of his racing heartbeat was soon replaced with the words Motor was saying. He tried so hard to focus on the man standing in front of him but he couldn't, so he closed his eyes and thought of blue. Thought of the face of the man he had loved and lost, thought of how proud Callum would be if he gets through. But he also knew that Callum would be proud of him regardless, no matter what they had been through together Callum would always be there for him.

The thoughts calmed him, grounded him and brought him back to the reality of the situation. It made him aware of the fact that Motor was now standing in front of him, looking into his eyes and telling him exactly what he thought of Ben.

“Ben, do you know why you are here? The reason why I chose you to be in this room?” Motor didn't even give Ben a chance to react to him, he just continued on. “Because you stood up to me and reacted in a way that only benefited you. You stood up to the rest of your group and got yourself through when they were literally ripping you a new one on stage. You didn't give up, you are literally playing your own game. So, I have no choice but to put you through.”

Ben's heart stopped beating for a few short moments, the only sound he could hear was the small amount of people in the room clapping and cheering for him. He didn’t know what to say to Motor, he just accepted the hand that was proffered to him by the man in question, gripping tight when he was pulled forward into a hug.

“You are going to be a pain in my ass Mitchell, but I'm looking forward to the journey,” Motor said into his ear before he let go, clapping Ben on the shoulder and moving onto the man next to him.

A member of the crew signaled for Ben to leave and he did so following them out of the room and into the corridor where there was a camera crew waiting at the bottom. He knew he had to play up on the fact that he had just got through, act to the camera how excited he was but truly? All he wanted to do was go home and scream into his pillow.

His dream had just come true, he should be excited but he was in shock. His head no longer felt attached to his body, his mind was floating somewhere along the skylines of London and his feet were stumbling down the grey carpeted corridor.

He was soon brought back to earth when he spotted someone behind the camera crew. Someone who until that moment he didn't know he needed to see more than anyone else. It took everything in him to not run the rest of the way down to the end, instead he focused carefully on the fact there was a camera crew filming his every move.

No-one could know about Callum, he needed to leave that part of his life by the wayside for now. So fighting the instincts to scream and run into Callum’s waiting arms he held everything back. Focused on giving the camera and the television show what they needed in that moment, not giving them 100% of who he was. That was for the man behind the camera.

Callum couldn't believe it when the playback monitor in the backstage area showed that Motor had picked Ben. That was the last outcome that Callum could have predicted, not the fact that Ben would go through but the fact that Motor would be the person to pick him. He couldn't wait to speak to Richie later, to see if he could find anything out from him about what went on during the judge's deliberations.

But right now? Right now all he wanted to do was run to where Ben would be, to congratulate him in person. But given the situation he couldn't do that, until fate intervened and he and Eddie were called to meet the contestants that had been chosen to go through to the live shows.

They were supposed to be meeting them in the waiting area but Callum couldn't resist and hotfooted it to where Ben was walking down to the waiting camera crew. Callum didn't recognise the Ben he saw in front of him, he looked dazed and not at all like he had just had a dream come true. Until their eyes met and then the Ben he knew and loved was back in front of him.

As Ben walked up to the camera crew and was being filmed, Callum and Eddie walked into the room to talk to the other contestants who had made it through. He was very happy to see May there and he knew Ben would be ecstatic as Frankie had also made it through. Callum greeted them both with huge hugs and they were chatting happily when another voice joined theirs.

“Looks like you are stuck with me then,” Ben said as Frankie squealed and pulled him into a hug. From over Frankie's shoulder, his eyes met Ben’s and he knew that he was the person that statement was really aimed at.

“Yeah, looks like we are,” Callum replied with a wide smile.